I get crushes on nearly all of my friends boyfriends. I can see what they see in them. I can see why they like them so much. I don’t want to date any of them – I’m not in love with them or anything like that, but I like hanging out with them.
It reminds me of being the cool aunt. Someone who likes kid’s, but doesn’t want any of their own. I like to play with babies, hug them, and make funny faces at them, but I don’t want to be their mother. I don’t want to deal with the stress, and the giving of my life part of it. I like to give back babies and boyfriends by the end of the day.
Are other people’s boyfriends just a way for me to have a vicarious substitution for the real thing? Can they sustain my iridescent superfluous independence?
As the song goes, sooner or later love is gonna get ya. I hope I’m not terrified when it does.
I become nervous and weak when I really like someone. They have all the power over me and it frightens me to the point where I become mean. I ignore them and look the other way. I become cool and aloof because I’m scared of them. Scared they can hurt me.
So I date people who I know would never hurt me. They can never hurt me because I have the power over them, not the other way around.
This is why I don’t date much. I avoid the people I can actually fall for and go for the guys who are easy to be with. I go for the fun guys who lack the ability of leaving a hole in my heart in their absence.
But even the fun guys can hurt me when I see them with someone new. It’s not their fault. I just don’t like being left alone. But I am alone. I have to realize that I really am alone.
I come home to a house occupied by my parents, my aunt and my obsessive compulsive disordered cousin (I’ve never mentioned him before.) I have no one other than my computer screen to embrace me in its warm enticing glow.
I never think about this stuff very much. It’s not a priority and I keep myself busy in my selfish endeavors. It’s funny how I can type this and start to feel sorry for myself when only ten minutes ago I was completely content.
The best question to ask is this: Do I really want to be with someone? Am I ready? The answer is no. I am not ready. I can’t see past myself yet. But I know for certain that when I am ready, there will be someone waiting for me. Someone who I can entrust to keep my fragile heart.
And so I sit
laptop on lap
No longer feeling like a sap
I write my blog
take my head outta the fog
Ruminating thoughts in my prolific monologue