Everytime I come home from work and my parents are away, my house smells like a sewer. It’s not coming from outside, it’s coming from inside the house.
Me – “Why does it stink in here?”
My aunt – “What smell? I don’t smell anything.”
“It smells like crap!”
“It’s the sewer outside. I shut all the windows.”
I opened the sliding door in the kitchen to breathe in some fresh air. It did not stink outside.
“It doesn’t smell outside.”
“It smelled earlier because it was so hot.”
I kept the sliding door open to help air out the house. My aunt shut it as soon as I went downstairs.
“Why doesn’t it smell like this when mom and dad are home?”
“It does, you’re just not here when it does.”
This stench happens every time my parents are away. My mother gets sick to her stomach – literally sick to her stomach at smells this bad. She wouldn’t be able to handle it.
So my theory is that OCDC waits until my parents are gone so he can take a huge shit on the bathroom floor tile for him to dissect. I can picture him hunched over with a magnifying glass and tweezers hovering over his steaming pile of feculence.
OCDC’s real name is Robert. Originally he was named Troy, but he changed it when he was in his 20’s. He chose to be called Robert. Why couldn’t he pick something cool like Viper? Or Afroman? If I could name him, I would call him Stink Finger.
I wonder if he saves his excrement? Howard Hughs saved his urine – my cousin one-ups him by saving his own fecal matter. It’s not septic tank I smell outside, it’s left-over cow pies from Robert. Meadow muffins for our backyard.
Maybe he molds them into works of fart, I mean art. Perhaps he has a collection of them outside on the picnic table? His own personal mini shit louvre.
Maybe he only saves the droppings that look like something.
‘Mom come here quick, it looks like a cigar! We have to save this one, we just HAVE to.’
‘Okay, where do you want me to put it?’
‘With the others. Next to the one that looks like a submarine.’
‘But they all look like submarines.’
‘Okay, then put it next to the one that looks like Santa Clause.’
Wow, I’m losing my mind. Must be the fumes.