Why hello there sexy

I had a dream last night about the cute blonde guy that works at Starbucks.  It was his birthday and he wanted to celebrate it by firing off cannons.  There were about 20 or so good size cannons going off in unison. 

“I like how loud they are.  They make the ground shake.”

Then I was on a field trip at a museum looking at a coin press.  It was a very old device used to make gold coins.  There was a special name for the coins it made, but I can’t remember it. 

My dad starts knocking on my bedroom door.

“Mel!  Mel!”  He shouts purposely to wake me up.  It was 10:20 am, a half hour  before my alarm went off.

“What?!!  What is it?!!”

“Do you have that money you owe me?”

“I’ll give it to you later!”

“Can you write me out a check?”

I got out of bed, wrote out the check and threw it on the table downstairs and went back to bed.

Dad – “Where is the check?!”

Me – “On the table!”

This is how I started my day, by yelling.  I lay my head back down and close my eyes.

Dad – Mel!?

Me – What?!

Dad – Did you write this check angry?

He was referring to the heavy ink and sloppiness.  I wrote twenty-five dodlars instead of dollars, and had to cross it out and scribble over it.

Me – No!  It’s because I just woke up!

I was upset I couldn’t finish my dream about the coin press.  It was so interesting.  And my dad didn’t even need the check at that moment.  He took it and went upstairs to watch tv.

To dream of cannons mean that my country is going to get invaded by terrorists, and to dream of someones birthday means that my family and I will suffer from poverty.

That will spice things up a bit.  I’ve been so freakin’ bored lately.  I tried going to the movies on Tuesday night despite heeding warnings from my parents.  My mom blows everything out of proportion when she tells me to watch out for things.

Mom – The whole road is closed.  They closed down all of route 10. 

Me – Thats silly, no they didn’t.

Mom – Yes they did damn it!  I just got off the phone with Eric.

Eric is our neighbor. 

Me – Well, let me just see how bad it is out and if it’s too slippery I’ll come back.  It’s NOT a big deal.

Mom – Oh your stupid.

She scrunches up her face in order to mimic me.

Mom – I’ll just see.  I’ll see.

Me – It’s not even cold out!

I walk away exasperated, threw my scarf over my shoulder and walked out the front door.  My Dad was outside putting out the garbage.

Dad – Is something wrong with you?

Me – What?

Dad – Its icing out.

Me – It’s 40 degree’s practically, and the road is slush!  Let me just see for myself how bad it is.

At this point, all I really wanted was a cigarette.  I was home all day listening to both of them talk incessantly, and now was my chance to get away.  I had to get away.

My dad watched me back out of the driveway and skid down the hill.  I live on an incline, and my little 95′ escort couldn’t make it up the hill.  Making it up the hill meant freedom.  I switched to low gear and burned the pavement with my tires – smoke everywhere.  My dad was standing there watching the whole thing.

Me – Go inside!  You’re not helping!

My mom opens up the upstairs window (she was a good distance away from us) and shouts as loud as she can, “Call the tow truck!!  Call triple A!!”

It was a nightmare.  A complete nightmare.  I wanted to write about this incident earlier, but couldn’t find the humor.  My dad gets out the shovel and starts shoveling to make it easier for me to get back in the driveway.  This really made my mom upset.  It’s  bad for old people to shovel in the winter, statistically, it’s when most of the heart attacks happen.

Mom – Call triple A!  Stop shoveling!

Dad – Would you calm down!

My mom was beginning to piss my dad off.

Me – I can shovel.  Don’t you have another shovel?

Dad – Don’t worry about it.

I go to the mailbox and check it.

Me – Oh we got netflix!  We can watch more vampires!

Dad – Leave it in there for now.  Don’t worry about that.

He was not in a good mood.

Me – Why didn’t you guys tell me how icy it is out?

My dad and I share a joke.  Everytime I leave the house during the cold winter months, he tells me to watch out for the black ice.  And I respond back with, “Don’t be like that, they’re people just like everyone else.”

I always pretend that he’s saying “black guys” instead of “black ice.”  And everyday I try to respond with something different.

Me – I’m not going to get robbed, relax.

He laughs every time.

Shit, I have to get back to work.  I written frantically for this entire 45 minutes and my back is starting to hurt.



Filed under humor

3 responses to “Why hello there sexy

  1. Steph

    OMG!! Again it’s so easy for me to see this whole scene in my mind. I know it’s not exactly funny but I did laugh a few times at this story!

    • I’m learning to capture the moment so it can be easily visualized. And when I write like this, and you can visualize whats happening, it turns out to be funny even when I’m not trying to be funny.

  2. Steph

    That makes sense!

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