Sitting in Starbucks, sipping a latte and debating whether or not I’m a sociopath

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I’ve been told numerous times by different people that I’m an enigma.  And they actually use that word – enigma.  They say I’m mysterious and they don’t always know what I’m thinking or feeling.  Even Dave thinks I’m an enigma.

Me:  “Do you think I’m an enigma?”

(I don’t normally go around asking people this.)

Dave:  “What’s that mean?”

Me:  “It means puzzle.  Like I’m an unknowable puzzle.”

He cocks his head to one side and says, “Yeah come to think of it you are a puzzle.”

It’s like he never thought about it before, but now he’s seeing it.

This baffles me and scares me.  I mean, what am I missing?  Am I missing something important?  Something vital in our society that connects us all?

I’m super honest and care a lot for others, but on the flip side I come off as being aloof and uncaring towards people.  I’m also narcissistic for writing a blog about myself, and sometimes feel that the world and everyone in it revolves around me. And because of all this, this lack of connection, this feeling of being separate from everyone, I feel as though I might be a sociopath.  I was debating this for the past couple days until the great warrior Poet wrote me a message:

And no, you’re not a sociopath. Our society has wrongly painted people who don’t care about such trivial, selfish and egotistical things as having something wrong with them. That’s a definition created by cowards. Anytime you’re above the hate and don’t let it affect or influence your own peace and joy, you’re not a sociopath; you’re a master. Of your own emotions and reactions. That’s something to be respected.

I have to remember this!

There’s also proof I’m not a sociopath because I never once spit in anyone’s food while working in the food industry for 10 years.  I have NEVER thought about it.  Not even for the cruelest, most soulless people I waited on, I would never do it or THINK about doing it.  That has to mean something, right?  And the number one symptom of a sociopath is lying.  Sociopaths lie without guilt or remorse.  Sometime’s they lie for no apparent reason.

I don’t lie to people.  I wrote to Heather that I didn’t know what she was talking about in her letter because I completely forgot that night at Blackstone kissing Dave.  I haven’t responded to her because whatever I tell her would only be proof of Dave’s infidelity.  She would read it back to him, he would curse me as a friend and him and Heather would still be together (Heather will never leave Dave) so the letter would accomplish nothing but authenticate that I’m a shitty, backstabbing friend.  And why?  Because I’m honest and hate lying.  I just can’t do it.

Okay, so I’m not a sociopath, but I still have that lack of connection with people.  What is it this lack?  It drive’s me crazy.  It makes me feel isolated and alone.  Don’t people know that when they tell me I’m a puzzle?

I have to get back to work.

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3 Comments

Filed under All about me, random thoughts, Self help

3 responses to “Sitting in Starbucks, sipping a latte and debating whether or not I’m a sociopath

  1. looking4trth

    The very fact that you spend time wondering whether or not you are a sociopath is a good indication that you can be pretty sure you aren’t a sociopath. You could have a mild case of mistrust. In our society and the things people do to each other, without a second thought, who can be trusted. Be proud to be an enigma, it makes you special and not cast from the same mold as the undesirables that prey on people who give a damn about what’s going on around them.

    Regards,
    Looking4trth

    • Thanks for that! It makes me think about the time I had a tarot reading and I got the card of the man hanging upside down. It means that I don’t care what others are doing, or how they judge me. I just go on the beat of my own drum. And then I did a free tarot reading online and got the hanging upside down man again (I only did the online reading once)! It’s a significant card in my life. Even the tarot lady at the renaissance fair told me it’s a significant card.
      Oh well, I’m different. I mind as well face it, but I don’t like it. I don’t think anyone likes to be different.

  2. Pingback: Cheese and Rice! | melanie's blog

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