Some weird things you don’t know about me

1)  My Mother is making me a turkey sandwich as we speak.

2) I can write words on my skin.

It’s called dermographism and yeah, I’m a freak.

3)  I’m very messy when brushing my teeth.

I prefer to do it alone behind closed doors so no one see’s this monstrosity.  Why do people feel compelled to brush teeth together anyway?  I’ve noticed this when I go on vacation’s with friends or sleepover someone’s house (yes I’m 32 and still do sleepovers – well, more like too drunk to drive kind of sleepovers).

I’d be minding my own business slobbering over my toothbrush and letting gobs of frothy paste drip down my chin, flecks spattering on the mirror above the sink, when out of nowhere, people wander into the bathroom wanting to brush their teeth the same time I am.  I don’t get people.  Can’t they see the shame in my eyes as my saliva infused paste drips down my wrist and onto their bathroom tile?

4) When I go out to eat and the bill arrives, I like to sign my name with a drawing.

Sometimes I sign with stick figures holding hands, a tic-tac-tow game or a graph chart with scattered dots.  I get bored with normal.  Normal baffles me.

5)  I have really bony, delicate hands with huge knuckle’s.  And if you look closely, you can see my tendon’s prodruding through my garishly translucent skin.

 Like, what the hell’s that thing?

6)  To add to my freakish hands, my thumb can pop out of joint.

Yahhhhhh!  Gruesome.  Has my thumb always been that chubby?

7)  My fingers are deadly, don’t cross them.

8)  I’m laying in bed at 2:47 p.m.  It’s a snow day off from work and this is what I do to amuse me:

9)  I like to pose people and take picture’s of them.  This one didn’t come out that well.

10)  I started taking a multivitamin a year ago.

 It’s pretty big.  Here is the vitamin in comparison to my nose:

Oops, didn’t mean to inhale it!  Or did I?…..

Anyway, I choked on it a few months ago and thought it best to split it in half.  Than I choked on a half!  I’m so scared of choking, that I went on Amazon (Amazon has truth and answers for only EVERYTHING) and bought the pill pulverizer.

No, that won’t do.  The pill pulverizer is so extrordinary that it needs shimmering light radiating from it.

Yes.  That’ll do.

You can make anything look glorious by adding shimmering light effects.  Take this old Q-Tip I found lying on my desk for example.

How long has that been there?

It’s Me!!  Wonderous in all my glory, Me!!!

Shit yo I’m bored.  B-O-R-E-d.

 

I’ve been Facebooking Martin (my client crush).  I don’t know how to respond to his last post.  Here are all our facebook messages to each other posted here for your enjoyment.

January 14

Melanie

  • HI Martin! Okay, three things you should watch:  Battlestar Galactica, Breaking Bad  and Chocolate.  And you should watch IP Man and Ong Bak too.  They are all pretty awesome.  I watched them all Netflix so they should still be available. Later Gator

  • January 15
    •  Martin:

      Aren’t u the comedian! If ur gonna call me the wrong name, at least use my Vegas persona: Max Powers 😛 So except for breaking bad and chocolate, i’ve def watched the rest. If u love karate movies, u should DEF watch Fists of Legend w Jet Lee. Not sure if its streaming on netflix but it should be an easy download if not. You know that Ong Bak has a 2nd and 3rd (I think) movie? Ip man was def one of the better karate movies. For anime, watch Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood and Bleach. Claymore is really good too. Keep me in the loop on ur own practice … and the pharmacological trials 😛 Peace out, cub scout

  • January 15

    Melanie

    • Okay I’m gonna add those movies to the hundreds of movies on my instant queue.  You’re definitely going to be my guinuea pig for my drug trails!  Ha ha, see you wednesday when I work again.  Or I guess next month is more like it.  I’m going to try to find out where to buy those oxygen tanks for my massage business tonight.  That should be fun.

    • Martin:
      • Well its more like next month since this week i’ll be in Utah for work and next week i’m on my cruise 😀 We’ll talk more about ‘Air Touch Rejuvenation’ when I’m on ur table again 😉 See ya

      • January 16

        Melanie

        • Okay Max Powers have fun in Utah!  Your homework is to not get any girls pregnant on the party cruise.

      • January 17

        Martin

        • Omg ur hysterical. Thing is, they have this new invention called “condoms” that prevent std’s and pregnancy. Crazy, i know! Honestly, they’re not the most fun things to wear, but eh, its worth it. At least, I think they’re new … I just learned out about ’em last month. 🙂

      • January 17

        Melanie

        • The first condoms were sheep skin intestines. Don’t go organic on me and use them. They don’t work.

    • January 17

      Martin

      • I do like it ‘in the raw’ but that’s a bit much … fyi, that’s freakin nasty. Ok, no worries, Max Powers could never be railroaded by a demon spawn … besides, it’s not like I’d ever have to worry about seeing any of those chicks again. If they wanna keep a baby, that’s their problem! (Joking aside, i’m NOT shallow like that) Since I have homework, so do u – procure some stuff for our drug trials! I’ll use it during my next massage. Good idea?

      • Wednesday

        Melanie

        • I’m far along from doing any drug trails but OMG you have to watch Apocalypto on netflix. Its soooo good! I’m drunk facebooking you right now. Seriously though the movie rocks! Those chicks are all whores on the party cruise. Sorry to say but they prolly want to get pregnant so watch out Mr. Powers! Not saying those chicks aren’t fun. They are loads of fun! Stay safe man. Peace out like trout, Melanie

        • Wednesday

          Martin

          • LMAO – feelin pretty cool that I just got drunk fb’d by u, miss MelMack …if I have a nickname, so do u. Apoc is awesome! I’ve watched it too 🙂 i’m gonna have to go back n look at what i’ve watched to give u some other ideas. Chicks are so diff from guys – when i’m drunken, i want netflix to have cinemas style movies. Hahaha! Maybe that’s why I like the party cruise ‘whores’ … pssssh. Just so u know, I went on this last year n didn’t even kiss a chick. I wasn’t trying n the interest just wasnt there – so hmph! But i’m glad u think they’re loads of fun … does that have a double meaning?? And does this mean you’re not loads of fun?

      Wednesday

      Martin

      • Cinemas = cinemax

       

Okay, so I’m not exactly sure how to respond to his last message.  If you have any idea’s let me know!

I guess I should play video games now.  Too Ta Loon’s!

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3 Comments

Filed under All about me, humor

3 responses to “Some weird things you don’t know about me

  1. Holly

    I LOVE watching you brush your teeth. It amuses me. I’ve always had to share a bathroom so brushing my teeth in front of others is never a problem.
    suggestion for how to respond, say: No double meaning. (then suggest another movie). enjoy your vacations and see you in a bit.

  2. Steph

    You crack me up! I also had to share a bathroom so it doesn’t bug me either! You guys sound so the same I’m dying! You must marry him!

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