How I cope with a break down

The Chi Rho monogram from the Book of Kells is...

The Chi Rho monogram from the Book of Kells is the most lavish such monogram (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In my last post I proclaimed that I was going to finish my business website.  That nothing was stopping me from doing it and it had to be completed.  Well, I didnt do it.  Not even close, didn’t even try.  Dave called me as soon as I finished typing and got me out to Billy O’s with no twist of my arm.

I ran into Matt at Billy O’s and asked him where Kristie and Bosco where.

Matt – “They don’t like you anymore.  They are avoiding you.”

He said it in a funny way, so I laughed.

Me – “Oh well, what can you do.”

I take a long swig of my beer.

He then went on to tell me why Kristie doesn’t want to see me anymore, and it made sense.  Matt is a great speaker and communicator.

Matt – “It makes her sad when you tell her you can’t do something with her and then she looks on facebook and see’s you at a wedding with Dave, the guy she hates most in this world.”

Me – “I know but he’s my friend.  I can’t just ditch him for her.  What kind of person would that make me?”

Matt – “I understand.”

Me – “It hurts me that she’s doing this.”

Matt – “It’s a sucky situation.”

Me – “Everyone leaves me.  All my friends leave me.  It’s like, what’s even the point of anything anymore if I don’t have anyone to share it with?”

And that’s when I cracked.  I covered my mouth with my hand and started crying – not just tears welling up, but actually sputtering words and streaming tears.  I was absolutely fine seconds before, but my own words got to me because they’re true.  And said out loud makes them more real and felt.

Matt – “Oh come here.  It’s okay.”

He gave me a big hug.

Matt – “Just so you know, I will never leave you.  You’ll always have me.”

 I felt better after hearing that.  And his hug was amazing.  I love hugs.

The crying episode only lasted seconds – I don’t like to draw things out.  I let things out in one big burst and become immediately soothed when people comfort me.

I stayed at Billy’s till closing and had a good time the rest of the night.

I’ve been battling with this feeling of having nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to.  Even if I accomplish everything I set out to do, what’s the point?  There’s no point or happiness to anything.  Only beer and the bar.  And occasional hugs from Matt.

Later that night Matt called me to do a suicide check.

Matt – “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Me – “Oh yeah I’m fine.  I was referring to other people when I said what’s the point in living.  What’s the point in living their lives if all they do is push other people away?  That’s what I meant.”

Matt – “Ah okay, gotcha.”

I am 100% NOT suicidal.  Will NEVER be suicidal.  I never thought about it nor condone the act.  There is always something that can be done.  And I believe life is beautiful with bountiful love and gorgeous sunsets.  Suicide is selfish and cowardly.

I’m just going through a tough time is all.  I’m okay.

All that happened on the 24th, ten days ago.  I ended up finishing my website last Tuesday, two days ago.  I did it all in one sitting and it only taken a couple hours. 

I had to write about myself in the ABOUT page, and was flummoxed on to what to put.  On other massage therapists ABOUT page, they list all their credentials and training.  They make themselves out to be the omniscient gods of massage.  Snobby know-it-all millionaire therapists holding onto their cocktail wieners with a toothpick.  Daintily fingering their monical’s with one pinkie in the air.

I thought about what I can write about myself and came up with this:

Hi I’m Melanie!  I’m a graduate of CCMT.  I graduated middle of my class with no honors or achievements.  I taken a class in hot stone massage because my last job required it.  I’m horrible at pregnancy massage.  I don’t like administering deep tissue massage because I hate strenuous manual labor due to fear of exerting myself.  My hobbies are Netflix and spider solitaire.  I drink like a fish and my friends don’t speak to me anymore.  My highest achievement is that I can eat a hotdog underwater.

That about sums it up.  On my ABOUT page I focused not on my massage abilities, but on my joy of traveling and experiencing different things.  It sounds pretty cool and I’m happy with it.  I’m a great bullshitter, a real A in the hole.

Anyway, I finished my website and went to the bar and ran into friends I haven’t seen in a while.  I massaged both of them yesterday at my new office and made $120 in two hours.  Once the money was in my hands, I felt powerful and rich.

‘Holy shit $120 in two-hours?  This might stinkin’ work!’

I can honestly say that I love my new office.  I set it up perfect and don’t mind sitting there answering phones.  It’s my own business and I have all the answers to people’s questions.  I don’t need to relay messages or do secretarial stuff for others for free.  It’s bringing me closer to peace of mind and independency.  But again, what’s the point?

I just have to take one day at a time.  Slow down to a stroll and live life full measure.  I might be a small person, but my actions can be greater than me.  I’ll focus on my actions more.  Maybe that will give me something to look forward to.  ‘What great and many things will I do today?  Who will be in my radius to feel the benefits of my great and many actions?’

It’s the fourth of July and I’m laying in bed.  Unshowered in my old sweaty pajama’s.  I’m supposed to go to a fire pit tonight at a friends house, and I really should go, but I’m so damned tired and scared of who might be there.  Dave’s going and bringing Heather.  They are back together.  She’s just so God-awful annoying and all she does is nag Dave.  I hate listening to it.

Dave told a friend in secrecy that he’s only dating her again to make me jealous.  Poor Dave.  He should know by now that I don’t get jealous.  He can hurt me in other ways though, I’m not invulnerable to feelings of hurt.

I’m too tired to put up with people today, but I can’t escape it.  I went out last night and drank myself into oblivion, so today I am reset.  Tired and can sleep guilt-free. 

I had to run an errand with a friend earlier today and told her to wake me up with a phone call otherwise I will sleep till 2.  She called at 1 and I was still sleeping and groggy when I answered.

Her party started 18 minutes ago.  I better take a shower.

Two days ago I was in bad shape.  I was searching the internet for something to get me excited and happy again.  You remember how you felt as a kid when Christmas was approaching?  Pure bliss mixed with impatience.  Happiness, radiance, twinkling lights, snowmen, hot chocolate, loved one’s.  I want that feeling again.  I want the wonderland and the whole shebang.

I found a website offering people the chance to live amongst the Lakota Indians and take part in their rituals and ceremony’s.  They have a re-birthing ceremony where I’ll go into a small little hut and sweat my brains out, inhale some magic smoke, see spirits and shit and then come out a new and improved individual.  I’ll also be experimenting with yopo nuts and some other herbal hallucinogens.  We’ll be sitting around camp fires passing around a peace pipe, banging drums and watching ritualistic dancing.  It’s a mind trip and supposed to be cleansing and very spiritual.

It takes place in Columbia, South America and is the most authentic, traditional place available for white people to experience ancient shamanic customs.  So what do I do?  I sign myself up for it, that’s what I do.  I leave August 3rd, only a mere four weeks away.  I’ll see if I can capture some video for you guys.

I don’t know what I’m getting myself into now….

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Filed under journal, Massage therapy, Self help, Travel

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