I just got done massaging for the day and now I sit here at my desk listening to Pandora and blogging. I can’t blog for long though, I’m meeting Amy at her house to go over plans for the Camino. She’s coming with me! I’m super stoked. She’s actually meeting me for the last two weeks of the pilgrimage which means I have the first two weeks in solitude under the Spanish sun with my blistered feet. Two weeks of me time! Imagine the blogging possibilities…I’m going to do a video blog.
I never spent more than 2 days alone by myself, but here I am undertaking two weeks – in a foreign land no less! I’m so excited she’s meeting me. I’m not sure what state of mind she’ll find me in. My mind may be gone by then.
Anyway, what to discuss in today’s entry? Hmm….
I’m always trying to form connections with people. The easiest connections are of the sensuous kind. Like drinking, movie’s, concerts, food, games, you know, that sort of stuff. Then there’s the spiritual connections where you find like-minded individuals with a similar thought process (which is hard to find!). But now I’m learning how to connect with everyone – not through sensuous activities or because we think similar, I’m looking to find the nexus that is prevalent in connecting us all. It’s a deeper, less egoistic bond. It’s the soil in which we all sprout.
When I was under Aya, I asked if we were all connected. She said yes, but we are not.
We are each solitary entities embarking on this journey alone, but still connected to each other.
Me – “How is this? I don’t understand.”
Aya – “Everyone is separate and deserves respect. Everyone has their own path and you must respect everyone’s progress.”
Me – “How are we connected?”
Aya – “…..”
Nothing. That bitch wouldn’t tell me. But now I get it. At least, well, it really feels like I got it anyway. It’s so hard to explain!
Okay, so during the big bang theory when we were all unrealized fragments of stardust imploded into one tightly compacted singularity ball of energy(which was infinitely small and dense), everything, and I mean every possible life form that would ever exist, was quantumly intertwined. And that ancient indestructible energy that formed our universe, is the same energy running in us now. Think about it! It’s amazing if you actually think about it. All of us coming from the same energy source. It courses through us and out of us. In essence, we are all the same being. All created equally and at the same time.
And that’s not all! According the the theory of quantum entanglement and big bang, the universe is expanding, but everything in it still touches. It is scientifically proven that when two electrons are created together, they are forever entangled. What happens to one, happens to the other simultaneously across the universe pond. Their connection never separates. The two connected electrons are actually one electron in two different places – this is not a hypothesis, it was tested over and over again.
Human’s were all created together, we are cosmically intertwined. The plants on earth were created together, the tree’s, the animals – all congruent. All able to exist simultaneously because of that connection. Having an ecological balance is not an accident, it’s on purpose. Everything is deliberate. The smallest of animals knows how to survive not because they learned it from their parents, but because they fully connect to their species and gain the infinite knowledge of what their species learned through evolving. It’s how birds migrate, how animals adapt and thrive. It’s how we progress.
Some religions preach that evolution doesn’t exist. Evolution becomes EVIL-lution. It’s funny to me because the entire meaning of why we are here in the first place is to evolve.
Physically, we can all trace our family tree down to the same caveman. Yes, all of us have the same relative. 140,000 years ago in Kenya, there lived a woman named Mitochondrial Eve, and every person existing today can trace their lineage back to that (slutty) woman. We are all distant cousins. Every person we have sex with, share our bloodline.
That’s a scientific fact in the physical world, which is pretty cool (not the sex with cousins part), but in the spirit realm it gets even weirder.
Think of the human race as a fungus. Fungus starts growing from one spore, then reproduces until it covers everything. Never dying, only continuing. If you look at us as a fungus, you can understand that that one spore grew in size but it’s still the same spore, only different. We are all the same spore, only different. Existing in different times and different circumstances. All individuals, but the same. Confusing? Damn right it is!
It’s no wonder Aya kept her mouth shut.
We were all formed together from the same energy source allowing us to intertwine. If you’re religious, it’s like saying that God is in all of us. We are all God, and we are all one being.
It gives a whole new meaning to the golden rule of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” If we are all the same being, you hurt yourself when you hurt another person. If you feel guilt, that’s the reciprocal of the hurt you have caused. And if you can’t forgive yourself, it hinders your growth and learning. And hinders your connection with others for if you can’t forgive yourself, you can’t forgive others.
We are all here to learn from each other. Everyone is a teacher. We are raised in different families, educated in different area’s of life, have our own experiences and feelings, genetics can shape a person, too. We are all on separate paths with our own power of free will. However, having free will is lost if you’re not awake to use it.
We let conditions define who we are. We are all good, all the same being, but the less awake we are, the more we let outside influences shape us. And the more we let circumstances control us, the less connections we make with fellow travelers. We become isolated, trapped in our own illusionary world. We’re unable to love another completely, unable to feel empathy or spirit. We lose ourselves to the rat race. We get fatigued, forget who we are, stop seeing other people’s true colors. We are drift wood. And we are empty.
Some people say you can never really know a person until you see them in a fight. Violence is a base survival tool that allows us to witness our true inherent nature. And we are witnesses when we’re not mindful. A witness has no say. A person can either let their self-preservation assume control over them, or they can act on their own volition. Over-riding fear, over-riding envy, over-riding any selfish conditioned behavior so they can assume control and become the person they set out to be.
Self preservation is an outdated survival tool. It’s using your small mind, letting animal instinct direct you. Self preservation causes subliminal beliefs in people. Seeking and using patterns that work, therefore not having to think. It’s not aware of itself, it’s only aware of survival. Sex is a tool for self preservation. It lets your DNA survive outside yourself to live again, plus all the animal instincts involved in the act – not having to think, just meditative bliss of having no thought and enjoying a base pleasure. Emptying your mind of thoughts to reach zen.
Sex is awesome, but it can take over a person. Every action made is a progression towards scoring. It becomes a low form of awareness.
Just think about how much better sex would be if you override that empty drift wood parallel and become aware of the love, how your touch sends shivers through the other person – being fully aware of everything they feel, being fully aware of yourself. The whole act becomes meaningful – your care and sincerity becomes a gift to the other and they know it. Feeling thankful, empowered and loved.
Sex, violence, money and envy can show a person’s true colors. These things are at a base level awareness – small mind, big blind. And no one know’s they’re letting these things dictate them. They don’t know until they reach a pinnacle turning point where they are faced with themselves. They can deny their truth till they’re blue in the face, never changing, always feeling they are right. It’s when a moment of empathy occurs when the higher mind connection is made.
If all of us are aware of being the same being, all God, the killing would stop. The theft would stop, the hurt and heartache would end.
Some people are fixated on finding themselves. When I was in my teens, I started writing from the heart. One of my questions was to dig deep and find out who I am. But I ended up staring blankly at the page, my pen hardened in my frozen hand. I felt as though I was looking into a mirror.
“How can I find myself when I am myself? I’m myself looking in. I don’t exist. There is no me.”
It sent my brain into a damp soggy place. I felt weighed down with my lenses fogged up. I learned there is no me to find, only a me to create. You can never find yourself, only create yourself. Creating is awareness. Art is cognizant.
During my last massage I had an epiphany that communism is the antithesis of creativity, but I forgot how or why! This is going to drive me crazy. Maybe it’s because it strips people of their free will to choose, entitling everyone, fleeing from any individualistic self-aware thoughts.
I started thinking that if China filled their streets with art, packed modern expressionist art into museums, communism will end. Both can’t exist side by side. Art is a connection. It connects people like a good song envelops dancers on the dance floor. It’s a bridge that inspires and what inspires, evolves. Affecting and evolving us all. Communism keeps everyone in place.
God dang my brain – stop brain!
I’ll admit that since my awakening in Colombia, I haven’t hit enlightenment again until yesterday. Yesterday during a one hour massage is when all this information seeped into me. It was compiling itself overtime, and yesterday was the maximum capacity needed for me to break through. I hit awareness while I was massaging my clients scalp. It happened while I was forming the understanding that in all actuality, I’m really massaging myself. I thought, “this is me, how can I help this other me?” I gave all of myself to please myself and felt a warm gush of warmth shoot out the palms of my hands.
Ayahuasca told me that giving is everything, this is what she meant.
I saw the illusions our minds play in order to keep us stuck in place. I understood stubborn people and self-preservation. I saw this world for what it is – an illusion, all pretend. I became more lucid than ever before. And I got the realization that this world is a play land. I can have astounding fun and enjoyment in experiencing this world. I had the sudden urge to run and play, to explore. Exploring was the biggest ambition I felt.
The more awake I became, the more this world felt like a dream. I felt like I was home, sleeping safe and sound in my bed, and having a lucid dream where I can do anything, create everything – have anything. I became awake to my full power and what I wanted mostly was to explore the world and enjoy it. Maybe after a time, I would explore the world and change it.
But all of that happened yesterday. This is today and I have a headache, I’m sleepy and a little hungry. I went out last night to Billy O’s for my friends birthday party. It was actually a zombie wedding/birthday party. She had all her guests dress as zombies and her and her boyfriend got married. They had the ceremony and everything at the bar and then sang karaoke after. It was funny and inventive. They took the zombie theme very seriously.
But anyway, I’m super tired today. My next client doesn’t arrive for another half hour, then I can go home at 4:30 to sleep. I need to revise this post before I publish it. I have no idea if it makes any sense, just felt like writing and sharing. But now it’s so freaking long I don’t feel like revising it. My head hurts too much.
Why would a girl like me be granted these insights? I’m a drunkard, a jaded soul. I don’t contribute much to society. Why me? Is it simply because I’m curious?
Eh, I don’t know. I’m glad this post is nearing its end so I don’t have to think about it anymore. I’m too damn tired.
I at least understand now, why Ayahuasca refused to tell me how we’re all connected. If she said, “we are energetically connected,” I wouldn’t have understood. There’s more to it than that. You can’t be told we are energetically connected, you have to go out and feel it.
Last night Amy told me that she would never think it was me whom authors this blog. She said I was shallow in person. Someone you wouldn’t expect to write the shit that I write. If she read my blog, and then met me, she would never have put the two together.
The thing is, when I have a blank page in front of me, my mind becomes still and quiet. It’s still, quiet and waiting for the meandering thought bubbles to make their way to the surface. Like a still pond, my mind lays in the quiet.
I’m also this way in person if you give room for it to happen. In here, in my space, I have ample room. It’s just me here waiting for the thought bubbles to break through the surface of realization. When I’m around others, there becomes too many ripples in the pond. Pebbles being thrown in left and right, some skipping stones causing the most disturbance, but never sinking in. If a thought bubble does arise, it’s too noisy to see. But if you back away from the waters, be calm, be still, I can emerge.
Buying this little MacBook was a great idea. If I didn’t buy it, all these posts would not be here. I’d be a different person if I never bought this contraption.
I’m a firm believer in expression. Not just any expression, but mindful expression. When you express yourself, you invent yourself. People need to find their own way to do this. It’s inherent in everyone to possess the power of expression. But people get scared. They listen to others telling them what to do, how to act, what to think. Nothing will ever change, nothing will ever happen, and you will never meet the person you can be.
That’s the opposite of giving yourself. It’s selfish, and no one benefits from it.
Am I done now? Can I zone out and watch Netflix?
Holy crap it feels so good to be lying here in bed at 7pm. I’m beyond tired. I need to stop going out. My vision board sits on the floor of my bedroom half finished.
In numerology, I’m a number 7. That sure explains a lot. Troubled mind? Hell Yes.