This is a rough day. I just published my last post seconds ago. I’m still all puffy eyed crying over that stupid dream I had last night. This kind of thing never happens to me. I don’t usually cry over anything. I’m strong and I’m happy and loved and have everything that I could ever need to maintain a happy life, and then that dream smacks me in the face out of nowhere.
I’m a woman. This type of stuff happens to women I guess. Emotional shit from out of nowhere. It seems to be getting worse with age. And I mean WOW, it’s draining as hell.
I’m not bipolar, but I can feel deeply. Perhaps this cry was building.
I had a scare last night after work. Wordpress suspended my blog and taken me offline. There was no warning, I had no access to my old posts and wasn’t even allowed to ask questions in the support forum. I was dumbfounded and automatically assumed it was from the mob of Melanie Haters reporting my blog. “No, no this can’t be. Why would they do that to me? That’s going too far even for them.”
I contacted WordPress and they told me my blog ended up in a spam filter by accident. No one reported me, it was all a mistake.
You have no idea how my heart sank when I saw my blog was offline. The first minute was complete denial, “No, no way, What?”
Then I felt anger towards the Haters who may have done this. After that I was bargaining saying; “No, it wasn’t them, but it’s probably just a mistake. Yes, a mistake that’s what it was. I’ll ask WordPress what they want me to fix”. And than lastly, acceptance. After I wrote a message to WordPress, I put it behind me and conspired a scheme so this would never happen again.
I thought about going back to my original place on the net, Melanieslifeonline.wordpress.com. I love my old blog. I get over 60 hits a day on it and it’s still getting comments and people wanting to know where my new location is. Keeping a steady blog for almost three years is a great achievement and I earned every one of those search terms – the dick sucking search terms and all.
It’s not fair those Melanie Haters used it against me. Stalking my life and informing everyone to read it, passing out the link to people who harmed me in the past. Trying to embarrass me, spreading the hate. These people were once my friends!
I feel so alone.
I’m not alone, but I feel alone. I have to get over this – everything that’s happened to me, I have to get over it. I was doing so good too.
The lesson my little pooch is trying to tell me is to be there for people. To be strong, and just be there for them. It makes all the difference. My ex-friends weren’t there for me, and this is what happened to me – I went to Colombia to do drugs for chrissake!
But it’s over, and I have to get over it. I have to understand what happened and learn the importance of friendship so I don’t make the same mistakes.
Amy wrote me a letter telling me it’s a bad idea to take three months off from work to travel. It’s not using my common sense, its blowing money that I worked so hard for. I’m taking her advice and keeping to my original plan by going on the safe tour of Europe with my friends parents, and then trekking the Camino for a month. 58 days alone IS a little crazy.
I at least want to stop by the Sistine Chapel. I really want to see it, to smell it, to look up at the ceiling. I’ll no doubt burst in tears when I do look up at that damn ceiling and I feel the experience would be just as inspiring as my ayahuasca break thru. My three month backpacking trip will have to hold, I’ll settle for 2 months for now. Two months is still one heck of a journey.
I found a backpackers blog who is very clear and concise in his journeys and even provides a free detailed account of what to expect while backpacking in Europe. It’s very professional and free information! I’m going to read it and do everything he says. I’m going in this fully prepared and then some.
I was going to read it today, but here I am blogging and texting Amy for the last 3 hours.
My last client raved over his massage and bought his wife a gift certificate. My next client see’s me every week and is full paying. I have an awesome new best bud, and a loving family – a prosperous future in store. I really have nothing to cry about. It’s only my past hurts, my old demons. It’s a battle I have to surrender and learn from. By tomorrow I’ll be back to my normal happy self.