I’ve been writing this post for days!

I suffer from weird experiences.  Weird shit day in day out.  I’m a magnet.  I attract it somehow.

A couple days ago I had that dream again where it felt like someone was laying next to me.  I was in the sleepy hypnogogic state when it happened.  I was asleep, but knew I was asleep laying in bed all alone.  I was curled up in a fetal position and feeling someone spooning me from behind.

Me – “Oh geez it’s happening again.  He’s here again.”

I felt his body pressing against mine, felt his feet touching mine.

Me – “How is this possible?  I’m asleep.  What I’m feeling is only the weight of my blankets, that’s all.”

I laid there unmoving and tried assessing the situation.

Me – “He’s pressing against my back.  What am I really feeling?  Is it the blanket?  My sweatshirt?”

But then the arms – I felt his arms around me.  I was laying on one of them, while his top arm rested on me.  It felt like he was embracing me in a hug and it felt wonderful.

Me – “How can this be?  His feet even…I feel his feet against mine!  Is that the blanket too?”

I felt his embrace tightening around me.  I felt his arm underneath me, coming up and around my chest holding me.  It wasn’t scary or threatening.

Me – “How much longer am I going to allow this?  Who know’s what he’ll do?”

His arm that was resting on top of me, he used it to turn my face towards his and kissed my cheek.  I kept my eyes closed.

Me – “Okay okay I’m up!  Holy shit I’m up.”

I woke up, my heart pounding and turned on the light, turned on the tv.  Searched my bed to see what was causing all this.  I found nothing, only blankets.

I can’t say for certain it was a man, it very well could have been a woman.  It wasn’t a masculine or feminine presence, only a presence.  And this presence truly loved me – I felt loved like I never have before.

I just searched online a few minutes ago and didn’t find much info on this.  And the stuff that I did find was nothing positive.  People say it’s a poltergeist, a ghost – I should bless myself, say my prayers before bed and to not allow this to continue.

I’m not scared.  It’s more of a nuisance than anything.  I don’t like waking up in the middle of the night searching for a pesky poltergeist in my bed.  It’s so bizarre – I was awake and cognizant – knew fully well what was happening and able to use common sense during the whole ordeal. But still I’m left speechless.  There is no explanation!

Weird shit indeed.

Anywho, besides the paranormal, my life is still profoundly strange.  That dream I had about my dead dog turned out to be a premonition for feelings that were headed my way.  Witnessing the harsh realities of nature and feeling absolutely helpless to do anything about it.  All I can do is watch, but can’t stop it from happening.

One of my friends is a survivor of domestic violence, domestic assault and kidnapping.  I went with her to the courthouse in Vermont for emotional support and we watched a woman behind a desk check off a laundry list of all that applied.

My poor little pal has to relive all that shit just to get it out in the open so others can do something about it – to seek justice and to finally be done with it.  It’s a necessary purge to rid her shit.  And it’s going to consume her for at least another year.  All I can do is watch.  She wants to go out all the time, go on drinking binges and laugh the night away.  Which is great fun for me, but I know it’s wrong to enable that sort of behavior in others for my benefit.

I’m a functioning deadbeat.  I live with my folks, drink like a fish and plan wild excursions abroad.  I may be a deadbeat, but I’m lavishly content with my life – in all aspects of it.  I don’t run or escape from anything except boredom and I’m constantly trying to better myself.

I wouldn’t be so content if I didn’t have Amy.  Friends are my stable guideposts, while beer is an added blessing.  But when it comes to alcohol, you can’t consume it without it consuming you too.  It consumes your hours, your weeks, your day to day functionality.

I ain’t gonna lie though.  I truly love beer.  I LOVE going out.  I love Billy O’s pub.  But I have other things as well – drinking is not the only love of my life.

I chose this life of mine, it didn’t just happen, I chose it.  Controlling my drinking is a conscious choice made by a contented human being.  I have limited needs because of my inner peace.  It’s through peace the mind finds clarity.

However, I place fun above all else.  When you’re not enjoying life – change it!  Change it to where your heart feels both rested and excited.  That’s where you’ll find me.  And it just so happens to lead me straight to the bar.

I’m a believer in pragmatism.  Change your beliefs, your core essence, into an indestructible power of truth and goodness and abide by it.  I don’t need the bar, I like the bar.

I just booked myself another client.  He’s full paying and it’s hard turning down cold hard cash.  He should be here in 20 minutes.

I’m feeling excruciatingly lazy today.   I just scarfed down two helpings of Conagra crap.  I ate 700 calories in less than 10 minutes and I’m still hungry.  I’m hungry and maxed out my sodium intake for the week.

I’m worried about my friend as I sit here all sleepy-eyed.  I want to hang out with her every day, to nurse her back to good emotional health, but I’m helpless when it comes down to it.  I can’t stop the beasts from gnawing at her.  Should I let her drink and be merry?  Even when she’s driving and has to wake up at 6:30am and her family falls by the wayside?  Who am I to lord over anyone?  I can’t help it.

I’m no better than anyone.  I’m a walking contradiction, but I’m still at peace goddamnit.

This post has been stuck in my draft folder for days.  I’ve been busy with work and reading about the camino.  I have so much to read, so much to plan.  I have a good chunk of time between clients today, so I’ll probably end up starting a new post instead of doing what I’m supposed to be doing…

 

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