My sickness is almost gone. All that’s left is loud wet coughs and a headache.
I have two full paying clients today, so I’ll make at least $140. Not bad, I’ll take it!
I would be 100% worry free today if it weren’t for the looming tax season approaching. I’m going to owe nearly half of what I made so far (the checks, the credit cards and the whopping Groupon check all have to be accounted for). It’s so bizarre because I’ve never made this much money before, it keeps rolling in steadily, but when I look at it in a negative perspective (Amy’s perspective), it still seems like I’m broke.
I made $17 a massage from Groupon, after taxes that leaves me with $10, then factor in business expenses – I’ll be lucky if I break even. I’m relying solely on cash income and tips – everything else belongs to the feds. From this perspective, it makes my little massage business look doomed to fail. And all this time I’ve been doped up living in a fantasy world of enchantment and happy endings (bad use of words). I’m not living in the real world.
But I’m making $140 today, I am getting repeat business and my monthly expenses are relatively low. So there’s always more than one way to view something, right? They are such contradicting views, one being hopeful and promising while the other is the rock that smashes my scissors. It really does feel like a game of rock, paper, scissors battling it out in my empty head. Amy is the rock…The rock of Gibraltar. And I am the dull set of elementary school lefty scissors with kindergardener paste caked in making them impossible to open and close properly. Yes, that’s me. Old useless dull scissors that couldn’t cut a finger if she tried.
When all said and done, I am vaguely responsible and reasonable. I barely spend a dime on myself and everything is fed back into my biz. But sometime, not all the time, but some time I revert back to my fairyland of having substantial income and abundance and splurge ever so slightly. Like for instance, letting a telemarketer talk me into accepting my “free” cruise to the Bahama’s, or spending $80 on stupid T-shirts.
I also splurged on a World of Warcraft hoodie because in my heart, I’m still Iris the Blood Elf paladin – the most annoying unkillable PVP player you’ll ever regret messing with.
I should be getting it tomorrow – yay!
And I have no regrets about lending my buddy cash, no regrets about any of my purchases. I’m once again slipping into the fairytale world of abundance. It feels so real! Like, poltergeist in my bed real! I’m over 100 days into my Groupon venture and I’m only $3,500 short of what they gave me. I bought a macbook, paid rent, paid an obscene amount of bills, paid off my Colombia trip – I spent shit loads and I’m only negative $3,500 from the original amount. From my perspective, I’m doing well and each week I add more repeating clients to my repertoire – I’m unstoppable. And when I’m unstoppable, I’m happy. And when I’m happy, I either get horny or play video games. And as you can plainly see, I game. Oh yeah baby I can game all night. Game long hard hours. Only need me some gatorade and lean pockets – notice I said lean not hot.
I’m totally down to LFG and spelunking in WC. WC, man now there’s some memories…
I’ll never be accepted into high society, will I? Or maybe it’s me that won’t accept them….hmmm?
For my brothers Christmas present this year I painted him a watercolor of a bowhunter shooting a deer. It’s what he wanted, he’s into that sort of stuff. It’s something pretty to end this post with – The blood and gore of killing natures beautiful serene animals depicted marvelously!
Oh yeah and I wrote Brad, my non-date, a letter. You don’t have to read it, it’s just an add-on bonus.
Hey Brad I’m looking forward to tomorrow! What are we going to do? Dinner? Dancing? Whatever we do, it will be fun.
I’m going to take the chance of sounding like a complete asshole here and I hope you don’t change your mind about wanting to hang out, but the sad truth is I’m not looking for a relationship. I stopped dating years ago. I don’t know why, I just stopped completely and started running in the opposite direction. It’s a mystery as of why, I have no idea but it is what it is.
I’m guessing that its because I’m not satisfied with my life and need to break free and stand on my own before I get involved with anyone. I don’t want to have to feel dependent on anyone, it sort of takes away my feeling free, you know?
I know I sound like a damn fool right now lol. Stupid Mel. But seriously, I live with my parents, I’m still very much a child. I’m being honest with you. Sad, sad deplorable honesty.
I have to work on myself before I’m good enough for anyone. And the terrible truth is that I have no idea when that will be. I’m so immensely content with my life, all thats missing is turning myself into an adult and leaving the nest. All other aspects are spectacular except for that one minor detail. And I’m working a lot at my business to rectify this situation.
Anyway, I really REALLY want to be friends with you! Is that horrible? I hope I’m not sounding like a jerk. Well, I know I sound like a jerk just by assuming us hanging out will lead to a romance – that’s pretty darn vain even for me.
This message is meant to shed a little light on my true colors, and here they are. Pretty messy colors indeed.
I know this letter is unnecessary and redundant in many ways, but from past experience, these situations can be delicate and I never have the right words face to face.
I know getting a letter like this completely sucks. Sorry about that. But you’re a fun cool dude, sincere and genuine. I would like to see more of you.
It would be nice if you came out to dinner with Brie and her family and me. Do you like sushi? It’s my all time favorite food I must say. And it’s all you can eat and fresh and delicious. I haven’t seen Brie in about 3 months and I consider her a best friend – that goes to show you how busy work’s been.
Okay, so anyway, moment of truth. Have to hit the send button. Dammit I don’t want to! These past 5 days I’ve been sick as a dog and last night I had a fever, today my head was going to explode all over my office so I’m probably not completely coherent right now.
I’m sending it. I’m going to do it. Here goes…
I hope to see you tomorrow!
And you know what the sad thing is? I would still sleep with him. I’d have my way with him and leave him be for weeks at a time until another day slips in where I can see him again. I hate myself for what I do to people. This is who I am. And I feel unable to change. The very least I can do is be honest. Deplorably, despicably honest. I don’t find my actions cool, hip, brave or independent, I find them to be sociopathic (but I swear to god I’m not!).
The two rules I made for myself to counteract my delinquencies are ONE: Keep my promiscuity at a bare minimum and TWO: Steadfast honesty. When dealing with matters of the heart, you have to be kind and delicate – you have to feel for them.
As long as I do those two things, I can still be a decent, good person. A functioning delinquent with her many psychoses in check.
It’s just that I hurt so many people in the past, now I only want to date those who can’t be hurt. I ended up hurting the good ones because I felt stifled and too needed. I don’t like feeling needed all the time. Leave a little to the imagination, you know? A little mystery to figure out.
I’m damaged – completely and wholly damaged and I don’t know what made me like this. I was never abused, never molested. That damn poltergeist in my bed showed me what it felt like to be truly loved by someone – it was amazing. It felt wonderful. It baffles me as much as it baffles you dear reader(s). As to why I’m like this. I would rather go back to dating Dave again than getting intimate with Brad. I don’t make any sense. Maybe I really am that superficial….I love the way Dave looks, I can’t help it. I’m a superficial sociopath when it comes to men. I’m the very type of person I hate.
Wow, what just happened, I blacked out, what’d I say? Shit…
It’s all too complicated for me. I’m happy with Amy. Keep things simple and light, even though we fight all the time and I always manage to piss her off, we make a good pair.