I went out with Brad last night. I wore skinny jeans with high black leather boots, my “What The Frack” T-shirt and a World of Warcraft hoodie. I looked like every nerds dream.
I’m so glad I wrote Brad that letter beforehand – I was able to relax and enjoy myself without it being awkward for me, or weird for him. It was the perfect letter, my fail-safe. And as it turns out, Brad is not the man I made him out to be in my head. Does that sound horrible? He is just as much of a child as I am. He is me in male form. And yes, he’s pretty cool.
He absolutely loved my letter. He related to it perfectly and shares my feelings. We are different in many ways, but he made me see myself a little more clearly – he unblurred my edges and mirrored them back crisp and clear.
I witnessed him fumbling with directions, asking what route to take, not taking charge. I’m the same way as him – we have that in common. We were in Hartford roaming the streets at 1 am in the blistering cold. I drank an incalculable amount of beer at City Steam and taken one of their tall pints with me tucked away in my hoodie. It splashed against my chest while walking. Wet, covered in beer, high on pot – I walked next to Brad as he timidly navigated the way.
It’s so odd, very odd to see my qualities in others. It doesn’t happen often. Don’t get me wrong, Brad is a great guy, but he’s a guy and not a man. Just like I’m a girl and not a woman. It’s sort of a “giving up” attitude. Putting others in charge while I sit back and relax. I totally see that about me, and I see how undignified it looks. It’s completely childish, it doesn’t matter that I own my own business, or have fresh idea’s and passion for my future. I’m taking the steps to achieve success, but still remaining passive and floating. I cling to adults who supposedly know better.
It’s going to be a long process for me to change. It starts with my beliefs. I have a deep rooted belief that I’ll be taken care of no matter what, that people adore and pamper me. And that I don’t have to do anything, everything will be okay. I’ll survive and always be okay and loved. It can be ostensibly annoying to others. My unadulterated happiness.
How did I get this way? My parents loved me and pampered the shit out of me, so did my brother. They told me what to do out of their love and concern for me, and I allowed them to boss me because it meant they cared about me.
I was pampered and loved as a kid, and growing up I felt pampered with my friends who known me forever – I was being perpetually cradled and looked after. Completely happy and care-free. But then my friends went off to college and I was on my own. Once they were gone, I started evolving and becoming more of an adult. When I reached 20, I became a realtor. I was professional, smart – I astonished myself on how smart I was becoming, it was the first time in my life I became good with numbers.
But then I left real estate and became part of the Aquaturf banquet staff. I was surrounded by older people who once again loved me and loved being entertained by me. I fed off their attention like a kitten on a teet. I fell right back into the pampering. And if any of them told me what to do, I took it as proof of their concern and love – I gobbled it up. I let my numerical abilities deteriorate from the unknown desire of letting others have power and control over me and the situation – another proof that they loved me and I was being cared for.
This is a substitution for entering into an adult relationship. I can’t be loved as an adult while I’m still a child – a child needs pampering, not mutual intimacy and bond. Dave pampered me in his way of giving me love and attention, my old friends pampered me until they got tired of it – it really is ostensibly annoying to deal with a person like me, cluelessly happy and content living in her fantasy world, feeding off attention, always getting what she wants. I’m just a baby to everyone. A baby that does what she’s told. I don’t deal with any real issues or concerns. It’s horribly annoying.
When I play video games, I escape into a fiction world – one that I can relate to. I tap into my childhood imagination and delve into my true self – my escapist self, my emotionally unevolved adolescence. Men who choose video games over spending time with their girlfriends are grown children needing an escape rather than dealing with their intimacy issue’s – their love of being coddled and cared for instead of being men.
Right at this very moment I’m letting Amy assume the position of being my substitute for real intimacy. I love that she’s type A and in control. I got in the habit of calling her AmySay while I’m MellieDo. She is the perfect fit for my delinquent personality. And her being four years older makes it even better.
But I’m a puzzle. Truly a puzzle. I have this side of me, well, not really a side, but the whole face of who I am – and yet I’m able to be intelligent, say witty things, be funny – laugh and understand, listen. My scope of understanding runs deep. I can talk and relate to nearly anyone. People listen to me, respect me, but then become baffled when they witness my behavior. My innocence becomes showcased. When I’m at my lowest, the more pronounced my purity and the more I crave being coddled.
This is why K kicked me out of her travel group. She only saw that side of me, the child in me – she stopped seeing everything else. She stopped seeing me as a whole person – a person she once liked. Everything turned into resentment. She saw me receive love from the same people she wanted it from. She pushed me out of everything and hoarded everything for herself. My quirk of being laid back became a huge offense. My ability to go with the flow became her biggest annoyance. She lacked my internal happiness and peace of mind. She resented my ability to be coddled and cared for while not having to stress.
And this person that I am allows in emotional abuse. As soon as I hand over my power (love), I open a window to emotional abuse. I’m a punching bag. I had no idea what ayahuasca was talking about when she said I was a martyr. I never looked at it as me taking abuse. She said I allow others to hurt me, but she also said none of it mattered. It’s all the same problem, only disguised as different quarrels. And I’m always on the side of defense and apology. All fights are relative, and I have the power to step away from them. It’s about detaching myself from the abusive person, not allowing them to hurt me anymore.
K was abusive, my friend Peg when I was a kid, all my ex friends that turned their back on me – all emotionally abusive people, and I bent over and took it. Virtue is its own punishment.
Wow, wasn’t expecting all that….
Once again, I thank you blog.
So what’s the answer here? How do I change? Many people can live with their parents while achieving adulthood and having adult relationships – some children are even more adult than I am. I, however, am not like anyone else I know (besides Brad). I shoulder this disorder alone. I was never able to confront it until now, until meeting someone like me. So for a person like me, a hopeless child seeking love and comfort, I must move out of my parents house to reach my full bloom potential. I’ve been working towards moving out since I got a job at 16. I knew at a young age that moving out was the answer for me.
I was working towards moving out, but falling into my disorder instead. I was being pulled by my friends every day, and I felt myself wanting to pull away – I was getting too caught up. I knew something was wrong with me, but couldn’t pin it. I tried to see my friends less and work on myself, but I didn’t know what was wrong with me and when I was away from everyone, I felt unable to think clearly. I felt guilty for leaving them. So I escaped into video games. Pulling myself away from my friends and escaping into games. I wasn’t ready to find the answers, I wouldn’t be able to understand them if I did.
Amy says that I’m normal and I don’t have any disorders, it’s only in my head and I actually want to have a something wrong with me. But I lost friends this past year. It takes both sides of an equation to solve a riddle – I’m not blameless. Shouldering the blame believe it or not is a huge relief. Saying that some of this is my fault makes me feel better. It takes away my anger and without the weight of anger, lifts me to a higher point of understanding. Feeling betrayed is a large load, it’s putting all the blame on others and the weight of the blame I place on them, I receive 10X that amount on my own back.
I was still stuck in their game. Still felt the weight of everything even after stepping away. I was still fully in it, just not taking part.
I don’t know how people are able to live with anger.
So, to plainly state my disorder is this: I crave coddling. I let others take charge because it means they care about me. I fall into this security blanket, wrap myself in it good and tight and simmer in it – relishing every morsel of quietness, peace and love. My future doesn’t progress while being contented. I don’t have to develop emotionally while being in ignorant bliss. And I unconsciously take abuse.
I feel I’m getting close to achieving enlightenment again. As soon as I step aside fully. It will happen again without Ayahuasca.