Ahh it feels so good to lay here. It feels really good to lay here. OMG heaven in a hand basket shaped to contour my curves under my blankets and on top of my memory foam mattress. Sweet….
I slept and slept and slept today. I was dreaming about my blog in that limbo state between waking and dreaming. I thought up some awesome topics to share with you, but forgot them all.
It’s such a wonderful feeling to go to bed knowing that you don’t have to wake up early the next day. I can live everyday like that. Most people feel guilty for sleeping the day away, but for me there is no guilt. In this day in age, what is there to wake up to anyway? I don’t need to hunt for food, take care of kids, be a faceless commodity owned and operated by a faceless money grubbing corporation. No, instead I wake up to Facebook, my phone, netflix, email, shopping online – all those pesky distractions that derail me from accomplishing anything in life. I wake up to those things and rather sleep instead.
I’m laying here in the dark, blinds drawn, my laptop shining bright and sucking the juice out of my eyeballs. I don’t feel good.
It’s New Years eve, Monday Dec 31 2012 at 1:37 pm. I’m supposed to go out to dinner with family at 6. It’s tradition. But I need a day to recoup. It’s days like this that keep me from wanting a boyfriend or kids or a 5 day career work week full of dependancy and ass kissing. No way baby, I’m free. I’m free and my life still has meaning.
Today I feel free of everything – all desires and wants for nothing. I’m living for myself in a state of joyful reflection. And there’s no one and no thing controlling my esteem. These days keep me single. These days keep me sane. I may have a deeply seeded jaded soul, but I choose it. I choose me.
I really don’t feel good today. I’ve been working a lot and then going out on top of it. It takes it’s toll. I’m a person who needs 8 hours of sleep each night, but I end up getting 6. I keep telling myself “it’s okay I’ll go to bed early tonight” or “I”ll sleep late tomorrow, I’ll be fine,” but that rarely happens. Alas, it happened today.
I hung out with Brad last night. He’s not the g0-with-the-flow man I thought he was. He takes charge and doesn’t get walked on. It’s so bizarre the tricks our minds play on us to connect with people we don’t really know. You see yourself in them, but it’s not real. Perceptions are not reality. Perceptions are all that there is, but it’s just a reflection of whats inside yourself. Your beliefs are what shape the reality around you.
I don’t want to see reflections of myself. That’s an ego bias. But what is art if you can’t see yourself in the artists depictions of his reality? Art and inspiration would not exist without reflections.
To look in the mirror, we become self-aware. It’s a human ability and less instinctive. To see ourselves in others is an evolutionary trait for growth – to see others doing amazing things that you relate to and wish you can do yourself is tapping into the hidden mass consciousness of man and seeing God’s work at play. The ability to relate and connect is undoubtedly a tool bestowed upon our spirits and not our physical being.
But then again, I want to see people for who they really are – know why they do what they do. I don’t want to see only myself in them.
This is a bad dilemma. I fear that once I stop seeing reflections, I will become sociopathic. I will lose that connection. I’ll lose that part of me that doesn’t want to harm a person because I’ll only be harming myself. If I sever the connection, my soul will be encased in a non-compassionate, non-humanitarian coating.
Perhaps the answer is about seeing the bigger picture, not just bits and pieces I can relate to. The person is not me, they are them. If I let them be them, I will be less hurt and disappointed if they do or say something that goes against what I would do or say. It shows respect and knowing that nothing is to be taken personally. It takes both parties to allow something to be taken personally; the offender and the person who allows the offense.
It’s about acceptance of people. I am not entitled and they don’t owe me anything. Delving into a person only to emerge with seeing yourself is coming full circle into yet another sociopathic realm. A realm of control and power. If you can control and power over a person, you are essentially controlling and empowering yourself. You empower yourself through others. Nothing is ever black and white. White being complete objectivity with no ability to relate to others, and black being the ability to relate too much and asserting control over what you see.
They are both narrow minded. Caught up in the marrow goo. Enclosed in itself.
So what’s the answer here? To see the bigger picture? To respect and accept without personalization?
When I was younger and writing in my handwritten journal away from the prying public eye, I focused a lot on this matter. I’ll give you two examples.
When I was drawing, I thought I could improve my abilities by focusing on the smallest details and perfecting them. Each stroke being meaningful and purposeful. I would focus so much on the details of the drawing that I failed to see the bigger picture of what my art was transforming into. I lost site. Nothing was cohesive, only scattered dollops not connecting to each other.
When I was playing pool in my younger years, I thought that if I could focus all my attention on that little point on the ball I was to hit, I would get it in. But I failed to do so over and over again. So I tried focusing on the tip of my Q stick, then the spot on the Q ball, then the pocket I was aiming for – all strategies failed until I stepped back and looked at the entire table and clearly saw the game for what it really was – getting the damn balls in the pockets. Once I was able to step back and stop looking at the details was I able to enter the zone.
Beauty are details of yourself being reflected back to you. To see the big picture, the details will follow suit. It takes a very broad, strong mind to see the whole. So much to take in, so much effort and yet it’s like slicing through butter – easy once you see it. You can see it for what it is and respect it enough to not put yourself in it. Once you respect it, you can make it your own. Relinquishing power and control, being above disappointment and hurt – you can start to make something your own. It only takes respect. Respect of the thing that is separate from yourself.
Respect was a HUGE epiphany ayahuasca taught me.
Her teachings are still seeping through.
To reflect on oneself slows down time and brings in meaning. Facebook, email, phone, netflix, work, responsibilities, adhering to a boss or dependance on career, status, money, friends, family – to reflect on ones own self is what brings everything together into the bigger whole of life. A work of art is just paint on paper. It’s only meaningful if it means something to you. Reflect, inspire and grow.
Respect it, reflect it in the grey (not taking the extremes into the black and white), and evolve into a higher state of awareness.
I’m a bit of an imaginative lass. Lover of science fiction and ruminator of abstract thought. I can’t resist writing about 1984 and its predictions to our future. So hold tight and let me do my thang…
In the book “1984,” George Orwell depicted the government as a controlling force known as Big Brother. Part of the governments plan to control the population was to limit vocabulary. To rid the word meant to rid the meaning and it’s power to influence.
Words are important in the narrow minded aspect of reality. They are triggers, an inspiration to self development and awareness. A small-minded person who fails at seeing the bigger picture is most likely void of imagination and unable to find meaning without words. They believe only what is placed in front of them. But to an awake individual, there’s no need for words. There’s only understanding, awareness and seeing the broad scope of reality.
In the energy of the spirit realm, you don’t need senses. They are limiting, subjectively ego bound, connecting yourself to your surroundings. Only a small minded person would let Big Brothers influence beat out their rightful individuality. Keep the person small-minded and keep them controlled. However, even without knowing the right word, it doesn’t mean the meaning doesn’t exist. The meaning is shown to the few who are able to see the whole.
I see the whole. And I see the government is wanting to control us and intervene by keeping us small-minded and blind. By taking away our choices, keeping us limited and controlled – the word still exists. Individuality still exists.
China is for the most part, a huge work camp. The people are subjected to slave wages with no escape. Their military power is huge, their media is state-run controlled and all guns are banned from private ownership. Only the affluent wealthy have power and are able to do as they please.
Our second amendment was put into place to give us power to overthrow a tyrannical government – so we are not ruled by force but ruled by reason. This is not part of China’s constitution. They are not free people unless they have the money to flee the oppressed working class. Unfortunately America is not far behind this reality.
People need to stop looking at the details of their lives and start seeing society and their culture as a whole – for what it really is. People can be easily pleased in the small details – a small escape, but it’s not real. The expansion of one’s own knowledge is what’s real. We can be happy at a higher level of consciousness that we are not yet aware. The government uses the details to derail us. They force us to see ourselves in them. They use false logic to control us by allowing them to limit our choices out of blind reason and obedience.
The more selfish and narrow-minded we become, the easier it is to be tamed. It is the opposing force of a conscious, meaningful life. It’s living for others without having the perspective to reflect on your own.
Okay there I’m done. What does it all mean? I have no idea. I just wrote it I don’t have to understand it.
Tonight I’m going to Toads place in New Haven to get shit-faced and dance until the ball drops. Don’t worry, I’m not driving.