Getting kissed by a MILF and dinner with the fam all in tonights episode of the rapist monkey

I Kissed a Girl

I Kissed a Girl (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m laying in bed drinking sleepytime tea and eating an apple.  The tea helps me relax and the apple helps me poop.

It’s 10:23 pm January first, 2013 and I’m gearing myself up to get back into my daily grind of massaging ass.

I’m watching the Lost Girl on Netflix.  There’s lots of girl on girl sexual innuendo’s in this sexy little series.  Speaking of girl on girl, I totally kissed a milf last night after the ball dropped.

Laura – “Oh hi I’m Laura.  Ha ha, I can’t believe people are smoking pot in here out in the open like this!  I’m from Oklahoma and not used to all this.”

We were at Toads place in New Haven seeing a Grateful Dead tribute band.  The music was awesome and I couldn’t help myself from dancing.  I was with Amy and two guy friends.  Everyone was high, and I even ended up in a room downstairs where everyone was openly smoking pot in an enclosed area – the smoke was thick.

Mott (my guy friend) and I were being wallflowers standing in the far back of the dance floor when Laura made her first appearance to us.

Mott – “Here you want some?”

She took a hit.

Me – “Careful with that stuff.  One hit sent me over the moon last week.”

Laura – “Oh aren’t you cute!  Look at her isn’t she adorable?”

I smile.  I was wearing one of those corny plastic HAPPY NEW YEAR hats and my World of Warcraft hoodie.

Me – “Thanks…”

Laura – “How old are you?”

Me – “32.”

She put her arm around me and said something to Mott and her friend Pete, but I couldn’t hear what she said.  Everyone started laughing and looking at me.

Me – “I’m sorry, what?  I didn’t hear what you said.”

Mott – “She said that she wants to kiss you for new years.”

I shrug my shoulders and point to my lips and lean in.

Mott – “No not now, after the countdown.”

Me – “Ah okay I can do that.”

And sure enough, two minutes later we were lip locked.  It was definitely the longest girl kiss I ever had.  It was sexy in the way of a perfectly good looking older woman who just met me felt the need to kiss me – it was great.  I loved that.  But I am a horrible kisser when it comes to same sex.  My lips don’t want to move – they just float there being frozen and surprised and I start wondering how long the kiss should go on for and if I’m the one who should pull away, but I didn’t want to offend her so I decided to wait until she did.

It was a fun night, nothing too crazy happened.  Everyone wanted to go to a party afterwards and so they shoved this guy Ken in my car as collateral to make sure I went.

I really didn’t want to be the DD on New Years eve – what a sucky job that is.  I was planning on Brad being the DD since he’s not a heavy drinker, but he bailed saying that it’s too far and that if I stayed local, he would hang out.  Amy and I chatted on the phone going in circles over what to do.  We both said fuck it and drove ourselves.

So there I was with drunk Ken in my car who kept touching my leg and resting his head on my shoulder.  Not exactly my idea of a good time.

Me – “Okay okay, you can stop now.”

Ken – “Really?  Are you sure?  Really?”

Me – “Yes I’m sure thanks.”

He’s a harmless guy for the most part.  He has a cute personality that let’s him get away with being annoying.

We ended up at the home of one of our beloved bartenders from Billy O’s.  She provided taco’s, whiskey and rumpleminze.  I wasn’t drinking and I had to go to the bathroom (but I missed my window hence the apple today), so I left at around 4 or 4:30 in the a.m.

Today was dinner with the family at my house.  A typical all-american family.  My brother with his fiancé, and his ex-girlfriend and their 14 year old daughter, my parents and I all sat around the dining room table eating prime rib.  My aunt and crazy OCD cousin conspicuously left for the day (because OCD cousin hates my brother and threatened to kill him next time he steps foot in the house).  Yes, a typical all-american family indeed.

Alexis, my niece, was wearing these very odd bright green glasses.

Me – “Uhh…are those your new glasses?”

Alexis – “Ha ha yeah they’re prescription.”

I look closer at them.

Me – “Really?”

Alexis – “No, they don’t have any lenses.”

Okay, now this little nerd of a niece of mine wears contacts.  She wears contacts and glasses without lenses!

Me – “Alexis, really?”

They were 3D glasses with the lenses removed – that’s why they looked weird.  I’m not sure if this is the new fad, or if it’s just her doing it.  She wants to wear them to school tomorrow.

It reminds me of the movie Back to the Future.  There was a kid wearing 3D glasses as a fashion statement.

I should go to bed.  It’s getting late.  Maybe just one more episode of Lost Girl…

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