Melanie’s all over the place today. In today’s entry: Why People are compelled to get married, being enlightened, and the meaning behind Bob Marley’s song lyrics.

My face feels hot and I’m headachy and tired.  I’ve had insomnia for two days now.  I can’t sleep for two reasons, 1) I’m no longer going out getting shit faced and 2) I’m excited for my trip.

I’m in “work” waiting for my next client.

I looked up video’s about the Camino on YouTube and for some reason the exorcism of Annaliese Michel popped up among the Camino video’s.  And so I clicked on it – how could I not?  Then I clicked on a weird baby sliding around on a kitchen floor, clicked on a fat lady who had 3 demons in her stomach.  And after the fat lady, I clicked on the sounds of hell recorded from a 9 mile deep hole in Siberia.   YouTube is scary.  Why do I always end up in the scary part of YouTube?

Finally I got to the Camino video’s and watched.  So much walking!  The people in the video’s were all so happy, radiating smiles and hospitality.  Singular travelers both men, women, boys and girls, partnered up to continue their journeys together.

I’m an affable gal, that’s one thing I’m sure of.  I can make friends with a drop of a hat.  It doesn’t matter who you are or how crabby – you’d still want to be around me (always!).  I don’t know why this is.  I have no idea actually.  I’m so shy, but at the same time, so likable.  Being lonely on this trip has never entered my mind.

The thing is, I want to do it alone.  I feel like I need to, or that I’m supposed to rather.

Since I let my emotional abusive friend end the friendship, it has freed up so much of my time that now I get to focus on myself and learn exactly who I am and what I can/should be doing.  I have no attachments to anything, no distractions.

When I let go of my friend, I let go of everyone, not just her.  My emotional bind to people had been cut.  I was free from it all and just as I suspected, slid back into enlightenment and peeled back another layer of awareness.  I detached myself from the emotional dough of people.  The same emotions that manipulate and steady my focus to places I’m not consciously directing myself.  It’s hard writing about this stuff because nobody will understand me, or believe me even.

I don’t believe that a person can remain in the enlightened state for long.  We are too connected to this world physically that no one has the power to sustain it.  Words are part of this world, our five senses are too, along with emotions and thought.  All physical and organic biological substances.

We are not our thoughts.  Our thoughts arise out of the left hemisphere of our brain – they are an organic byproduct of our physical brain and nothing more.  Our brain is separate from the soul.

Thoughts spur emotions.  Chemical responses that feed our thoughts and make them deeply felt.  We are not our emotions.  Emotions are hormones and chemicals that are also a byproduct of the organic brain.  Meditation helps quell the babble of the left hemisphere so we can become more aware – to think and connect differently.  With meditation there are no thoughts, only a clandestine understanding of who we are.  Meditating on this very moment can ebb the babble.  Focusing on the here and now – nothing else matters.

When I was under the influence of ayahuasca, I asked her “what is love?”  She never responded.  She never responded because I still understood it at the physical level, the mental and emotional aspect of it.

This time while I was enlightened, after letting my friend go along with all the others, I asked the question again.  “What is love?”

“Compassion is love.”

I was in work waiting for my first client.  That’s when all this happened.  It started with our daily texting escapades.  It was hard to let one hour go by without texting each other.

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This happened nearly everyday.  She would make up at least one reason to end our friendship – sometimes it happened more than once a day.  On this particular day, it happened twice before 11am.

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(She doesn’t read my blog anymore so I can get away with this.  But still, I might die.  You never know.)

I’m not going to post pics of all the texts, it would take forever.  I bet reading it from an outsiders view makes it all look childish.  And it WAS childish.  I was sucked into her warped world by defending myself day in day out.  Trying to explain myself was like adding fuel to the burn, the cycle of manipulation that held my strings.

I became enlightened before my first client of the day, and remained enlightened after the massage and for the next hour.  I was hungover tired, so I turned off the bright lights, lit my ambiance lamps, lit some candles, turned on my table warmer and laid down on the massage table.  It was heaven laying there.  I wanted it to last for the rest of the day.

“Wow so this is what clients feel when they lay on my table?  No wonder they keep coming back!  I don’t even need to touch them.”

The enlightened state of mind made the world seem like a dream.  My head felt light as if drugged.  My physical body felt as it did after consuming ayahuasca – but without the sickness.  My surroundings were swishy, my head weaved side to side.  You don’t have to believe me, but it’s true.  These were my physical symptoms of enlightenment.  It could be different for everyone, who knows.

After learning that love is compassion, I went deeper.  I wanted to know why people couple up and get married because at that moment, I felt whole.  I had no desire in finding that “special” someone.  I had no desire to be in that emotional weighted dough that drags on our souls.  I was out.  And I felt free.   So why then, do people get married?

The response to this question was powerful.  So powerfully felt and understood that it was unmistakable.  And I didn’t like what I was being told.  I didn’t like the answer to why people form relationships.  Enlightenment taught me that it’s the product of three things:  Fear, need and lust.

I’m a sucker for love.  I love romantic movies, love songs, the feelings of euphoria.  I’m looking forward to the day when I will be “rescued” and have my happy ever after.

“No, no it can’t be.  It can’t be everyone.  Not every relationship is like this.”

It’s everyone.  Well, at least for 90% of them it is.

Then the enlightenment went a step further and explained why.

Fear:  Fear of being alone and fear of death.

I didn’t understand how the fear of death relates to relationships.  And because I didn’t understand, I was shown.  The visualization happened rapidly and vividly.  I had no control over what I was seeing.  I saw myself aging rapidly, then I became a corpse that was also deteriorating rapidly.  I was hit with sheer panic of knowing that someday I will die.  I WILL die.  I was stricken with panic and terror.  Not only terror, but of loneliness.  I wanted to grab hold of someone, anyone.  I didn’t want to do it alone, and I didn’t want my life to end without having purpose or meaning.  A person would bring it meaning.  A person could save me from death.

It makes me think of the red ants that live under ground in rain forests.  When flash floods happen, the ants only way for surviving is by clinging to each other.  They form a life raft and float on the water.  They would sink by themselves.  They need at least one other ant to hold them up.

It’s instinctive to hold onto life – hold onto somebody to save you.

Need:  Everyone’s needs are different.  But mostly everyone feels like a whole person when they are partnered up with someone.  People can marry for ego, having a trophy wife or husband.  Some marry for money, security, a sense of well-being and being taken care of.  They have babies to secure the relationship and bring meaning into their lives – to have something to love and protect.  Some marry to fulfill their narcissistic need for gaining love and admiration.

Having a mate can satisfy emotional and primal needs.  It forms a completion of self.  Without that other person, your world falls apart.  You fall apart.

Some people get married simply because they’re supposed to or because it’s natural and expected.  In many countries people get married and have kids simply for the security of being taken care of when they get old and feeble.

Some of these needs make sense, but they are driven by fear.  Fear is what breaks the feeling of completeness – the circle of awareness breaks and must be replaced.  They replace it with a person who can supposedly “save” them.  They cling to strength – a person who is stronger than they are.  Or cling to an equal – to team up and navigate life together.  Or cling to a weaker individual as a source of feeling needed, powerful and in control.

If a person is not whole on their own, they thirst for a companion, a counterpart.  The void gets filled and they no longer have to face the existential reasons of existence.

Lust:  People lust with their eyes and not with their hearts.  The eyes like what they see and they want a piece.  They want a piece of the candy.  It’s like viewing a beautiful masterpiece and wanting to take it home to hang between your legs.

To lust without love is selfish.  It’s taking or giving without mindfulness or understanding.  It’s not a soul connection, but a body connection.  The lust becomes a need, a desire.  And the lust also becomes fear – fear of losing that which you desire most.  Lust ties everything up nicely to make these three components vital ingredients for the euphoria of being in love.  And it can make you unconditionally blind.  You can lose yourself and your awareness.  You can lose your sense of self and of doing whats right or necessary for yourself and for others.

But then there’s the feeling of fate.  When you meet someone and intuitively know you were destined to meet.  You know that somehow they will be in your life.

Everyone is placed in our lives for a reason.  Some radiating a stronger purpose than others.  Now, take that feeling of fate coupled with the euphoria of being in love, it’s something that is far too intense to ignore.  It’s kismet, it’s love and it’s the happy ending you’ve been waited for.  It’s the happy ending you deserve.

Being in love doesn’t apply to the spirit world.  Not the love nor the hurt that stems from it.  Once you’re out of body, you are truly free (unless you end up in a hell world, then you’re pretty much screwed).

Marriage is good in the way of teaching transcendence.  The marriage will only work if you’re able to put your primal needs aside, and have compassion for your spouse at all costs otherwise it will take your sanity.  The weight of fighting off addictive primal emotions will crush you.  Transcending human need/fear is the only way.  Lust, need and fear will no longer be an issue.  You don’t need your spouse, but love them.  And you want them to be happy.  Their happiness is all that matters to you.  Hopefully by that point, both spouses still have their wits and have not spiraled into madness.  If one of them goes crazy, it’s hard to undo crazy.

The love you have for a pet, that is compassionate love.  The love you have for your family, your kids, an old lady hobbling down the street with her arms full of groceries, the bald leukemia kids you don’t want to see when you turn on the tv – that’s all compassion.  That’s real love.  It’s love without need or desire – just pure soul.  Pure heart.  It’s like Bob Marley says, One Love, One Heart.  Bob Marley was an enlightened individual who knew truth.

There aren’t different kinds of love, there is only one real love.  Bob knew that.

Person #1 – “Have you ever been in love?”

Person #2 – “No but I have lots of love to give.  I know what love is.”

Person #1 – “Who have you loved?”

Person #2 – “My nieces and nephews.  They taught me what it feels like to really love someone.”

Person #1 – “I love my boyfriend, but not in that way.”

Person #2 – “Why not?  There is only one way.  One love.”

All else is need, lust and fear.  An incompleteness of self.

I’m not saying I don’t believe in romantic love, only that it’s dangerous to need and depend on anyone.  You should never feel that you have to, or that you’re obligated.  No one can ever complete you and you should never put that on anyones shoulders.  No one should put that on your shoulders either.

I would like to believe in soul mates, but most of us don’t end up with them.  We have too much baggage, too much learning to do before we are able to meet them.  We’re not polished enough to slide into happiness and comfort because if we did, we wouldn’t appreciate it as much.

And as for me, I chose the single life simply for the reason of not wanting to depend on anyone.  I’ve stayed single this long because I didn’t feel like a whole person yet – I didn’t want my void to be filled with a person, but to find the transcendence on my own to avoid future suffering from divorce, or a stifling marriage that holds back my journey and my real purpose.

This time in my life, for the very  first time, I’m absolutely free.  It’s exhilarating and liberating.  Opportunities are endless, I see endless inspiration from all creative endeavors I encounter.  Whether it be a simple sentence, a persons face….It’s everywhere I turn.  Beauty and art is everywhere and in everyone.

After years of going out socializing, being in the thick of things, the emotional dough of fun and tears, I’m out.  I’m out and I want to take a sabbatical from it all.  I want to spend this time with myself and witness my dreams come true.  They will never come true if I spend all my time with a controlling person, or crying over the shit show of 2012, dulling my pain with pint after pint, no.  To do so would be a delusion – the illusions that emotions play – they are not real.  None of that stuff matters, it never mattered.  Letting myself get bullied, controlled, resented, hurt, blamed, betrayed, forgotten – none of it is real, it was never real.  It’s the base level of spirituality.  It’s being at the same emotional level that feeds the offense.  And from an outsiders perspective, it IS childish!

I know as I write this, nobody’s going to believe any of it.  But hey, maybe someday you will.  You’ll get there yourself.

As of now, I have put my old friends on the back burner while I played the game of emotional punching bag.  I fooled myself into thinking everything was peachy.  But from my new standpoint, I don’t want to go back in.  Those people are so adversely different from me.  The way they think, how they act, what drives and motivates them, their callousness, their inability to see what I see…

People call me wanting to hang out.  My phone remains on silent.  Even my adorable peruvian genius client wants to get together, but that will be like going back into the mix.  I don’t think I’m ready for that.  When and if I do go back, it won’t be the same.  I’m not the same person anymore.  The only one driving me is myself.

Anyway, I originally wanted to write about the Camino and if I should partner up with others on the journey, or remain a lone traveler.  That was the original intention of the post, but all this other gunk came out.

I decided that if I’m meant to meet people, I should let it happen.  If it’s meant to be a lone journey, I should roll with it and surrender.  Don’t fight anything and let the universe take care and guide me.

I have to go back to that Bob Marley song…

The guy was truly enlightened!  I hear it in his music.  His songs resonate with me.  I’ll decipher the meanings for you.  I’ll highlight them in red.

One Love! One Heart!

Let’s get together and feel all right.

We all possess and experience the same love.

Hear the children cryin’ (One Love!); 

Hear the children cryin’ (One Heart!),

This exposes the one love that is compassion.  To “hear the children cryin'” brings out compassion.

Sayin’: give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Sayin’: let’s get together and feel all right. Wo wo-wo wo-wo!

Giving thanks to the Lord in the Rastafarian sense is to offer the sacred herb, canibis, by smoking it.

And by doing so, it will make you feel all right.  Wo wo wo – wo.

Let them all pass all their dirty remarks (One Love!);

He doesn’t judge or get angry at the Haters.  Dirty remarks can’t harm him.  He’s above it because he feels compassion for them (One Love!).

There is one question I’d really love to ask (One Heart!):
Is there a place for the hopeless sinner,
Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own beliefs?

This completely hits home with me!  I wrote about it before.  People don’t want to give up their beliefs, and by not giving up,  they go way too far to preserve them and prove to everyone they are right.

One Love! What about the one heart? One Heart!
What about – ? Let’s get together and feel all right

He’s pleading with those stubborn people to go towards the light of compassion.

As it was in the beginning (One Love!);
So shall it be in the end (One Heart!),
All right!

Basically to me this means God created man.  We sprang from compassion and love.  God created man and man created the devil.  The only evil in the world is that of our own fear and ignorance.

Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Let’s get together and feel all right.
One more thing!

Let’s smoke it up and feel all right.

Let’s get together to fight this Holy Armagiddyon (One Love!),
So when the Man comes there will be no, no doom (One Song!).
Have pity on those whose chances grows t’inner;
There ain’t no hiding place from the Father of Creation.

Holy Armagiddyon is upon us and will wipe out all the sinners.  Bob is giving the message that we have the power to stop this.  We stop it with love and forgiveness.

And if the sinners continue to sin, we need to take pity on their souls because they have nowhere to run.

Sayin’: One Love! What about the One Heart? (One Heart!)
What about the – ? Let’s get together and feel all right.
I’m pleadin’ to mankind! (One Love!);
Oh, Lord! (One Heart) Wo-ooh!

Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Let’s get together and feel all right.
Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Let’s get together and feel all right.

The thing with Bob Marley is that he brought out the best in people, and the worst in people.  He wanted everyone to know themselves and what monstrosities they are capable of.  He purposely never wrote a will or allocated his belongings after learning his cancer was terminal.  He wanted his friends and family to face their own demons of possession and greed.  At least, that’s according to the Bob Marley biography on Netflix.

Wow my last client was a bitch!  This hardly ever happens.  Ugh.  Whatever dude..

Speaking of bitch, I’ve done a bad thing.  Not intentionally though I swear!

A while back I wrote about why and how I resigned from Massage Envy.  This involved a pic of the lead therapist.  I love that post, absolutely love it.  It’s hysterical and well written.  Everything in it is factual.  So anyway, I copied her profile pic off of FaceBook and stuck it here on my blog.  Little did I know that her name was attached to that photo.  File names are extremely sensitive to google searches, every SEO knows this.

Now I have people searching her name and sure enough, they’re directed here to my blog to read the full scale of what kind of woman she is.

I never meant for this to happen!  I went in and changed the file name, but I’m still getting hits off of her.  It’s a big world, there’s got to be more than one person out there with her name.  I pray she never googles herself.

Everything you do has consequences.  The universe works in the way of karma.  It’s not to keep things in balance, but to teach and guide you.  Nobody learns.  People need to meditate!

Did I do something wrong here?  Should I take into account my own callous actions?  I’m no great neutralizer, I’m not the karma God.  What gives me the right to sully her name all over the net?

Oh well too late….

I have to put my blog down for a while.  I ordered two new books on Amazon about the Camino that I need to read.  They should be coming today (yay!).  I also want to touch up on my Spanish.  I have a weird adaptation to languages, I can learn them in a jiffy (math however, I’m a complete dunderhead).  I still need to go to the bank to deposit my Camino money and book my flights and hotel and all that jazz.  Figure out what historic sites I want to see.  Basically, I have a lot of work ahead of me.

So farewell to you dear blog.  You’re amazing, never forget that!

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1 Comment

Filed under random thoughts, Self help

One response to “Melanie’s all over the place today. In today’s entry: Why People are compelled to get married, being enlightened, and the meaning behind Bob Marley’s song lyrics.

  1. Pingback: Today Melanie discusses the “real” world and feelings of loneliness | Read it to absorb my awesomeness

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