I’m an affable gal. Extremely social, personable, and a great listener (probably everyone thinks that about themselves, huh?). I love people, I really do. But on the antithetical end, I love – LOVE solitude. For these last two days being snowed in, I relished it. It wasn’t just me that was snowed in, but the whole world! Okay, not the world, but my little town of Cheshire was. Americans think the world is us, it’s a bad habit, sorry.
But tomorrow I’ll be birthed once again into that cold, snowcapped, civilized society. Glistening with the juicy remnants that come with the culmination of saturated thinking. But I don’t want to venture out. I’m not done meditating.
And that’s just the thing! I crave solitude because I love being alone with my thoughts. If I don’t catch up to them, the water tension pulls too taut and I end up slipping and sliding from one day into the next.
Being around people, work, addictions, distractions, all help with keeping me in place. Like cramp-on’s being strapped to the bottoms of my flat-ass feet. I stop slipping, but I end up starving. I can’t fish for those nuggets of personal refection that lay beneath my feet frozen in nonexistence. The only reflection I see is when I look down at that shiny surface and view myself also frozen. Unchanging.
To catch a fish, I catch myself.
Right now, if someone were to call me, I would roll over in a fetal position and throw the covers up over my head. Possibly moaning. My body going limp if anyone tugged on my arm.
And if they did pull me up, all I would want to do is drink. It’s only when I’m around others, do I feel like drinking. Why? Because it’s a great way to transition myself into that other world – the people world.
I know it’s completely selfish and megalomanic to say this but, it feels like everyone lives their lives differently than I do. That they all possess something I don’t have, or I possess something they don’t have, I don’t know. I don’t know what it is.
I’m spontaneous, don’t take anything seriously, and want nothing more than to relax and have fun. When I’m around others who can’t do this, it pulls me down. My childlike curiosity to explore the world and enjoy it, diminishes. I lose my happy. I like to make everything, everywhere I go, everyone I’m with, I like to make it lasting and meaningful. To make everyone around me feel loved and special. And it’s for this very same reason that has me wanting to curl up in a ball under blankets.
I feel like I can’t do enough, or that I’m not enough. It’s only when I take the time to delve into the crystal blue waters of my psyche, do I find that yes, I am enough. But I keep forgetting. People make me forget. I forget, but their expectations of me don’t change. They want me to keep going and going, giving and giving.
Even when they don’t get me, will never get me, they want to feel that I get them. It’s so hard. I make a big catch, take it off the line, lay it out in front of the feet of an amused audience, and with all of us standing there, we watch. We watch it flap around gasping for air. I feel helpless. The fish loses its’ life and the last thing to stop moving is its’ little mouth opening and closing. Death of Mel. She needs another beer.
Oh man, is this really the life I want? Why can’t I just be normal!?
Me #1 – “Okay, stop it you whiny little bitch. You are NOT the only person living, look around!”
Me #2 – “You’re right, I know. Damn. I’m placing blame on others aren’t I?”
Me #1 – “Yes! Own up to your freak mind, be a woman. It’s not them, it’s you!”
Me #2 – “I know, but damn…I don’t know how else to be. I’ve always felt this way.”
Me #1 – “Than accept it. Just accept it and let it go. Stop blaming others.”
Me #3 – “Can you guys shut the fuck up, I’m trying to sleep!”