Yesterday was my birthday so one of my near and dear’s called me up to wish me well.
I’m not big on birthdays. I feel that I should not be celebrated or held on high. When people get together to celebrate me, I groan in guilt knowing that I don’t deserve any of it.
My friend on the phone yesterday said so many nice things to me. Before she called, I was feeling down and having a hard coping day with unwarranted feelings of loneliness. I kept telling myself “It’s only because it’s my birthday. That’s why I’m feeling like this. Calm down and let it pass, let it pass. It doesn’t help that it’s Valentines day either.”
But then she called and filled my lonely heart with love and praise. Praise that I don’t deserve, praise that I don’t trust or feel entitled to. After talking to her, I got off the phone feeling bigger than the sun does shine.
“Don’t feel big Mel, let yourself feel good, not big. That loneliness and worthlessness can come about again and it only comes about when the feeling of big wears off. It’s not real, it’s not lasting. Love’s lasting.”
Birthdays give me the jitters. They make me anxious. I went out to dinner with a few friends who were all being so nice and loving, and again, I was having the feeling that I don’t deserve them. Dave was there, and L – the girl I wrote horrible things about. Both of them loving me and forgiving everything because that’s what friends do, they let go and forgive – it’s easy when real love is there and not just the illusion of it – the apparitional love that’s formed by fear and need.
When real love is present, there can be no resentment, no jealousy, no war or judgement.
We went to Billy O’s after dinner. I knew almost everyone there, and all of them wishing me a happy birthday and buying me drinks and shots. I felt so big, so loved. I showered everyone with appreciation and gratitude because that was all I had. If I didn’t give back, I wouldn’t be able to receive anything. There would be a blockage, no flow or exchange. I wouldn’t be able to let anyone into my heart. And isn’t that what matters most in life? Isn’t that the stuff that keeps darkness at bay?
Love is all there is. All that really matters. And I’m slowly learning how to let others love me.
I mulled this over while massaging my last client. I let myself slip in and out of being with ego and then being without. It was trippy.
Holy shit I’m tired. Good lord. I massaged my ass off along with everyone else’s today. I made $280 today – SHIT! I mean seriously, you got to be shitting me here. Can it really be this easy?
I’m so tired, so unbelievably hungry since I hadn’t had time to eat today and I have to go to the bathroom so bad that I’m starting to smell like an old diaper. Gross.
I don’t want to move. I drank the entire ocean last night and then some.
I have so much to write, but it’s not going to happen tonight. It’s for the best anyway. I’m being super cheesy and sentimental these days.