I’m gross, really I am. I stopped blowdrying and straightening my hair for at least a month now, I don’t put any product in it. I look like the unkempt little girl I was at 12, playing obstacle course with boys like in American Gladiators and running around the backyard with bb guns and our faces painted in camouflage.
I wear no makeup, wear the same clothes every day and I haven’t washed my World of Warcraft hoodie in like, EVER. I wear it every day.
My mothers been using a lot of fried peppers in food lately, I wipe my greasy mouth on my sleeve.
A nice man all decked out wearing a fine suit always says Hello when he passes me – he says hello to me and as soon as he walks away, I dig my pinkie into my ear.
I have the feeling he has a crush on me – really man? Come on now, furrealz?
So yeah, I’m gross. I’m not proud of it, okay? I go out in public like this! I go to bars, restaurants, the mall – I don’t give a shit. That’s the problem, I can’t make myself care. I never cared. It’s like having one more thing to worry about, one more thing to occupy my brain – and we all know I don’t need anything else in there.
With all my life experiences, all the jobs I had, people lost, friends gained, places visited – Everything I learned throughout these 33 years takes me back to feeling like a kid all over again.
To love, to be loved, and having fun are all that’s important to me and it makes me feel like that little girl playing kickball with the boys and having a play wrestle fight. It’s always for play until the older kids start betting on us.
My favorite activity is going to the food court in the Meriden mall and ordering orange flavored chicken from Panda Express, then buying a video game at Game Stop and I go home to play and eat for the remainder of the day. To play, to eat, to not have to think or do or be. It’s spectacular.
A husband and kids? Me? I just don’t see it happening, I really don’t.
It’s Sunday and I’m waiting for my first client to arrive. I’ll be massaging for 6.5 hours today. I don’t wanna, no I don’t wanna. Anything over 4, I get moody and work starts to feel like work.
First 3 clients done. This is killing your poor old Mel. 5 days straight it’s been like this, and the week before that I massaged about 30 people if not more. I’m so tired. Yesterday I had an hour break in-between clients due to a cancellation. I laid down on my massage table, rested my head on a pillow, and listened to my guided meditation tape.
Laying on my massage table with the ambient lights and table warmer may just be my new favorite activity. Nothing beats it. When you’re as worn out as I am, it’s absolute heaven. I fell asleep within 5 minutes and kept waking myself up by either snoring or not breathing.
My forth client is here filling out paperwork. Hey look at me, I’m typing and looking busy! Yeah I’m one busy bitch. One wacky crazy zany bitch.
Fourth client done.
Fifth one here filling out paperwork. We are talking about the weather. I’m able to type and talk about the weather. Can you do that? Pfff….what – EV.
Fifth client done. I’m faded completely. That last lady was moaning during her massage. I’m learning to ignore these things, moaners make me anxious.
I’m scarfing down a bowl of rice before my last client gets here in 8 to 12 minutes. Again with the salad dressing….Really Mel? On rice?
Anything tastes good right now. I’m famished.
Ahh yes finished with rice, now to sit and relax.
Vape on my electronic cigarette – wow it doesn’t take much to make me happy. Take your time last client, no rush. You don’t even need to come in! Please don’t come in oh please oh please don’t come in.
If he was paying full price I would want him in here, but he’s just another groupon client.
Damn that rice and salad dressing….. My stomach’s making weird sounds. I need to go to the pee palace. Damn he’s here.
Okay, I’m okay. It’s 10am the next day. My last massage yesterday was brutal. It was 90 minutes of exhaustion and having to poop. Do you know what that’s like? Well, I won’t be the one to tell you. Use your imagination.
I’m crabby today. I have to give a massage at the spa down the street – that’s why I’m crabby. It’s my day off! I don’t know how to politely end his Monday massages. I’m such a coward. I feel like once my business slows down, I won’t mind giving him massages on my day off, but that’s only fear talking. Fear telling me that I still need a second job. I’m not trusting myself – thinking that my business will fail so I need a backup. And as it happens with all fear-based choices, misery follows.
I can’t get angry at anyone but myself.
I tried once talking my way out of it, but he didn’t get it. I wasn’t being clear or brave enough. It’s such a tricky situation, it really is. Next time I go out to eat with my co-worker, I’ll ask her what I should do. She seems to always have good advice. She’s really smart.
I’m still tired. I’m going to eat breakfast and go back to sleep.
I need to start reading more, so I’ll put my blog on hold for a while. I mean it this time. At least a few weeks to devote myself to reading and finishing up with my groupon clients.
Damn, my cell is starting to ring with clients. On top of massaging 40 clients a week, I have to answer emails, calls, texts…it taken me a good half hour calling back only three clients yesterday! Each of them keeping me on the phone for 10 minutes. 30 minutes gone.