For the past two days now, I’ve been going to sleep at 4 am. Not because of insomnia, but because I’m manic in reading and watching internet stuff. I can’t stop myself from doing it. I get this tunnel type vision of focus where I stop being rational. I just keep searching and searching, but nothing comes of it. Except for last night. For the first time after writing it, I re-read my “I’m Teething” post. It was such a long ramble of nonsense, and while reading it I was thinking to myself, “this is all bullshit, what was I thinking?”
Clients put me in a weird mood. They’re all so nice, and they all love me. Some go so far as to actually praise me, calling me a healer and what-not. Some seek guidance and comfort, and the little bit of knowledge that I do have, I share with them. To be constantly bombarded with appreciation and gratitude from others can really put me in that manic tunnel vision mode. A mode no different from the state of mind I was in last night while staying up reading articles on the net till 4 am. It’s no different from writing rediculously long posts where most of what I write is wishful thinking – but at the time felt real because of that tunnel vision.
My watercolor teacher says that when you paint, you should know exactly what you want, know exactly what you’re going for. Otherwise you will teach yourself bad technique by using the same style over and over again. It’s not mindful. It’s a sloppy learned behavior.
This is an area of my life that needs improvement. I need to let go. It’s all ego, it’s all fear. I’m not trusting life and instead I control my fear with explanations. But all the explanations are too much physical brain thinking and not enough of the emotional side. Part of unlocking your creativity involves letting go of that thinking part, and seeing the visual, emotional parts. Accepting them and not trying to control them.
Using your thoughts to make sense of the world, is like holding yourself together with plastic zip-ties. It’s the emotional, subconscious side that is the root.
And once you let that part take the wheel, your vision becomes crisper, technique mindful, and whatever artful activity you partake in, will show your true self, not just the self that your sloppy habits created, but your mindful self.
This is part of creating and imagining.