I feel so sick to my stomach right now. I drank a lot last night.
I can’t seem to extract myself from the social scene. It keeps pulling me in.
My life is chock full of weirdness.
I feel like I’m going to throw up. I’m emotionally upset too which doesn’t help. I just found out that my bff from high school will be visiting CT for a week, but she’ll be going on vacation with the Melanie haters for the entire time she’s here. It’s completely devastating to me. I can’t pull myself out of it. I was not asked to go.
I can’t wait until the Camino. I really can’t. I need to walk and cry and walk some more and fuck up my knee and get up and walk again. It almost feels like I need the physical pain, like I deserve it. It’s like purifying my soul or some shit. Maybe I should’ve stayed with Amy and let her punch me in the face like she wanted.
I’m in work. I’m supposed to massage 4 clients today back to back. I don’t know how I’m going to manage that.
I try to keep my life simple. I always tried keeping things simple. I treat my life as Ikebana. The more simplistic, the bigger the punch. Cut out all unnecessary bullshit that don’t matter.
I feel like I’m trapped inside my own bubble of malcontent. Everyone staring in at me out of curiosity.
I can’t escape people. I need this time for solitude, and so I don’t even try to connect with others. But somehow I manage to pull them in. They call me their sun, and they are my stars and my moons. How can people gravitate towards me, but at the same time, hurt me so much?
It’s like everybody wants a piece of my soul to take, but the only way for them to have me is to break me apart.
I’m jut a sad lonely girl surrounded by everyone and no one.
Fuck this shit I ain’t playin’ no victim. But I don’t want to hurt anyone either. It’s like the compassion in me holds me to people, and it’s my own heart that gets played against me.
If I rise above everything and let go of people, everyone in my life would turn into Icarus getting their wings melted. But it’s their own fault for flying too close, right?
Client number 2 will be here in 12 minutes. I’m starting to feel better. I need to trust that all will be well.
Those two guys that friended me on Facebook, they are curious onlookers getting sucked into my gravity – my bubble. They don’t know what to make of me, and so they’re interested. Hey fella’s, I’m interested too – hence my need of solitude.
I brought these two onlookers over to L’s house last night. Dave was there too. It’s a strange group dynamic when you see it for what it really is. You’d know what I’m talking about if you’ve been keeping up with my blog.
All I know is that I love my two new friends. And us being all in the same graduating year makes it easy for me to group them together in a tight little bundle to form my new family. I keep people together as in the simple way of Ikebana. Minimalist effort equals concentrated love.
Second client done. She was a sweetheart. She got so freaking nervous around me and it just kept building and building in her. Even though I massaged her once before, and this time she paid full price. Why do people get nervous? It’s silly and it’s all in their head. She can learn a lot from me that one.
Okay now I’m rambling. I need to end this post. Ikebana baby!