I only have one more watercolor class left until it’s all over. I love this class – I really love it. I love the ladies, the instructor, and the woman sitting next to me who can’t handle criticism. I can see myself in all of them.
People become vulnerable when learning or doing something new, and if you look close enough, you can see your own reflection in their fears and weaknesses.
I’m only able to see myself with the help of others. It’s like I see myself in them and understand that if I don’t like what I see, I can change it in myself. I can change it because I know myself.
My mother was the first person whom I learned this from. I was only a kid, maybe 6 or 7. I learned that she was unable to see the person she became. I kept thinking over and over, “If only she can hear herself. If only she can see herself…..”
I became enamored with our old Sony camcorder bought in 1988. I was 8 years old lugging that big thing on my thin bony shoulder. I wanted to capture the true nature of people – the parts they miss out seeing while being in their first person perspective. I became the one responsible for recording video at all family functions. My high-pitched squeak voice narrated. I was rarely seen in our home video’s, only heard.
Creating yourself is about seeing yourself, whether you like what you see or not.
That’s why I believe art to be self-actualized.
I’ve always been somewhat good at artsy things. I don’t consider it being a natural talent – there’s no such thing as natural talent. Natural talent can’t be explained, but the way we learn can be explained. It’s not only about how we learn that brings about talent, but also the passion we have for our endeavors mixed with the belief in knowing that we’re good enough. No limits.
However, ayahuasca told me that I do possess unique talents. Perhaps she was talking about my ability to understand how to create. Patience and a steady hand, but the most important thing being: Don’t take it seriously!
I hate to bring up ego again but, seriousness breeds itself in the ego. It’s judgment of yourself and of others. It’s void of trusting and believing in yourself – it’s your fears incarnate.
It’s only when you let go of being serious, you are able to play and have fun.
All the ladies in the class are taking watercolor too seriously. They’re afraid of every brush stroke, while I’m sitting there cross-legged on my chair, thumbs in the thumbholes of my hoodie, daintily daunting the paper with the tip of my brush and thinking – “whatever happens, happens. I’m having fun!”
This is the part of my personality that can be annoying. My ability to just not give a shit, and at the same time, showcase talent. Why can’t people put these two together?!
Relinquish your need to control. You will never be able to control your fears. Let it go.
Everything will be okay in time. In time, I will get good. Also, when you let your ego govern you, you’re not learning anything. All you see are mistakes and frustration – that’s not playing and when you’re not playing, you’re not learning.
Anyway, my big trip is approaching. Peyote in Arizona and then hiking 500 miles in Spain. All I want to do is sit on the toilet to stop myself from shitting my pants. I’m not a traveler – I don’t do things like this. Especially not alone or without a guide. I’m 33 years old and I still live downstairs from my parents!
They don’t know I’m going by myself. And I assure you, I am NOT smart. But stupid people have the best adventures, right?
On top of all that, my stupid-ass managed to get uninvited to go on vacation with my old friends – the same friends I grew up with thinking that they were the only friends I would ever need. I was uninvited as quickly as I was invited. Why? Because I wanted to make sure they actually wanted me to go. And as it turns out, they don’t.
My heart feels the physical pangs of hurt (even though I didn’t think that was possible anymore), isolation and fear. Unwillingness to believe it’s possible to be abandoned all over again – how can it be? What did I do? I have to accept it. I have to deal with it. But shit, it hurts.
But I also feel courage. I have courage and faith. And I know for certain that there’s nothing more important to me right now than going on this trip. This is my life – this is exactly what I want to do with my life.
I flipped thru my journal from Colombia earlier today. I wrote while I was toked up on ayahuasca and another time with yopo. Why not share some pages with you? Hell, you know everything else there is to know about me….
Huh I just re-read a paragraph and it makes me think once again that everyone here living on this planet are here because they are fearful. EVERYONE! The only way out of it is faith. To have faith, suffering to attain that faith, and become strong and light. My faith is still shakeable, but I’m getting there. Compassion Melanie. Must remember compassion, being humble and open. This world is fantasy. Believe.
I am a light spirit. No no scratch that. I am thee light spirit.
Okay, being thee light spirit isn’t humble, but I’m playing in my ego which is totally okay so long as I know it’s just a delusion.
I know I sound crazy but I’ve been reading other spiritual teachers and let me just tell you hole-lee-shit it’s everywhere. It ain’t just me. And the SAME insights no less!
It’s profound. Completely profound. My heart thumps in awe after having crawled out of its slimy container of grief. I really am beautiful. We all are.
So hang in there old girl, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.