A brief history lesson

This is an example of a serendipitous occurrence. I had no previous knowledge that a peyote ceremony had anything to do with readying my soul for transition or a long journey. It just sort of happened without my knowledge.

It goes to show that the universe is on my side so long as I’m willing to listen and let it guide. To trust it basically. I HAVE to trust it.

I’m a believer in ancient rituals involving spiritual enhancement. This Indian ceremony that I’m going to, is real. The universe know’s that it’s real – and that’s why I’m being led there. You don’t need to know why or how it’s important, just know that it’s happening for a reason.

I leave in four days. On Miercoles, Wednesday. The day that celebrates Mercury, the patron saint of travelers (amongst other things). The reason why it’s placed in the middle of the work week is said to convey the message of “getting over the hump” as in, “Yay we made it over the hump and it’s easy going from here.”

It’s all easy going after Wednesday. It’s the anticipation that kills me.

Sitting in work is killing me. It’s so hard being here right now. I need some Echkhart Tolle.

In-between clients today, I went and picked up a large suitcase from K’s house. I asked to borrow it. After having gone through everything that we went through, I wonder if I’m being one of those girls who has “some nerve” in asking.

“Pfff, Melanie’s got some nerve……”

I don’t know where the line is or even if there is a line. I’m bad at taking hints. A person can go years without talking to me and I would still think that everything’s hunky dory. A person has to literally slam the door on me in order for me to “get it”. And the last time I saw K, it seemed like everything was ok, so…..

If I’m wrong and everything is still shit, it would take yet another door slam for me to get it – although I won’t get it, I never did get it, and at this point it’s highly unlikely that I ever will get it.

Kristie for instance, had to slam the door. Matt hung up on me, the Haters made me cry on numerous occasions and Amy verbally assaulted me. That’s what it takes to have me “getting it.”

Why is this?

I’m so awkwardly sentimental. I cry at family gatherings when someone taps a wine glass and raises it for a toast. I get sentimental when people are united. It’s my sentimental side I cry for. I cry when that unity is gone.

Not being able to see what’s really happening is like having a wash over my eyes. It catches me by surprise every time.

I used to think that everyone had my best interests at heart. I always thought I was being looked after and cared for. This was my innocent side – the side people saw as naive or stupid.

Unfortunately, my spiritual journey has taken me to a place where I see truth. The truth that not only do people not have my best interests at heart, but they care for and see only themselves.

I was an innocent sentimental sap. Dependent on the care and consideration of others. I trusted them more than I trusted my own knowledge. I trusted their word over my own.

This knowledge hasn’t hardened me like you would think. Hardening happens to those who don’t see the light. No, instead I became wiser. I’m wiser, but my patience for those who are in the dark has shortened. Both my patience and my interest in them are gone. It feels like I’m stepping into the danger zone of getting ruthlessly attacked for no reason other than it makes the other person feel better.

And so I have her suitcase. Do I have “some nerve”? I don’t know and I don’t care. All I know is that I need a suitcase. If it’s not okay, she has to take the initiative by saying “fuck you Melanie” and slamming the door because otherwise, I won’t get it.

I’ll never get it.

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Okay, I just got home from hanging out with guy friends from high school.

This would be the time where I get all sentimental and innocent by thinking that we have deep roots, so these guys have my best interests at heart (like brothers).

Call me crazy, but why do guys seem more sane than girls? Guys are still nuts, don’t get me wrong, but I clearly connect better with them. Or maybe it’s the whole male / female attraction thing taking place? Maybe I’m genetically inclined to connect better with the male populace? No. No, that’s not it at all. Men aren’t as catty. They are dogs and I happen to be a dog person.

Men lie in the way of making them look better while women lie in the way of making them feel superior.

Women always lacked power, so we are genetically inclined to seek it – manipulating others for it. It works, but really it’s all just a game of cat and mouse. Tom and Jerry to be more precise. Brains over brawn.