Category Archives: All about me

Read This if You Follow Me!

Duct-tape Moving Van

Duct-tape Moving Van (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m moving back over to my original blog, melanieslifeonline.com, and leaving the Rapist Monkey.

It’s the exact same blog, only older with more hits and followers.

I started writing over here due to the fact that I created more enemies than friends with Melanie’s Life Online and so I tried to conceal it better.  But hey, what life has taught me is that you can’t run from your problems.  You can’t deny them or hide them because they’ll keep popping back up.

So from here on out I’ll be posting over there instead.  I would love it if you followed me on my Camino adventure!

If you choose to follow me, I will follow you on your blog.  I figure that like-minds follow each other.

I will continue to post the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God.   And I’ll deal with the repercussions come what may.  I can do this thanks to my inherent nature of being a compassionate, sentimental and an honest asshole.  I’m one of a kind.  There can be but only one Melanie’s Life Online (It’s true because I bought the domain!)

Peace out trouble makers.  See you on the flip side.

Mel Out

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The Truth About Honesty

Lies

Lies (Photo credit: Gerard Stolk (vers l’Ascension ))

Hi I’m Melanie and I’m walking the path of awakening.  It ain’t easy.  It involves confronting my truest intensions and facing my deepest fears.  This is a process that I have to stay diligently aware of.  This can be done by reflecting on my actions.

When you embrace your dark side, you accept yourself AS IS.  To know your dark side, it transforms itself into light.  Love, acceptance and compassion for yourself arrises.  Any negative thoughts left-over should be processed and accepted – not fought.  The ego merges with the soul and it’s all done through self-compassion.

Layers of understanding start to unfold.  You can find the answers inside because you are part of the infinite.  When you’re ready for a new layer, it will be shown to you.  You feel a shift in perception and in seeing truth.  It may not always be the truth you were hoping for, but a truth that sets you free.  Know your hopes, and you know your fears.

Empty your beliefs to see truth – no one can tell you what’s true.  You have to get there on your own.  Memorizing the advice of Guru’s is not the way.

If you are unhappy with your life, you become stagnant.  Your soul becomes shrouded in a hard-shelled rigor mortis box.  Debris collects on your superficial surface to try and mask whats inside.  Your fears hold you back and your comfort zone becomes a crypt.

I feel at this time in my progression, the small negative thoughts are barely noticeable.  But I still have fear.  I fear my own limitations as a functioning adult.  I don’t have enough experience with being an adult, and so I fear it.  My fear holds me in my comfort zone of security. Tethering myself to video games, beer and my parents.

A new layer into my awakening is just around the corner.  I feel that the only way to break free from my parents is to be honest with them.  Any form of lying is in truth, a hidden fear in the liar.  The liar can not let go (or confront) something, and so must lie in order to protect it.  I’m protecting my comfort zone of being a non-adult.

I lie to myself by saying “it would kill them if they knew the truth.  It would hurt them…etc.”  It would hurt them because they also need to let go.  Letting go feels like dying.  Like a part of you is breaking off – a shard from your soul becomes tethered to another.  You can see where you’re tethered if you’re able to see your lies.

The lie protects the person lying, not the one being lied to.  There is no progress in lies, only anger, confusion and darkness.  When you’re working out negative thoughts, I’m certain there is a lie being told to yourself that you’re not seeing.  But guess what?  It doesn’t matter!  Once you see the lie, you come to find out that Holy Crap no, it truly does not matter.  It can then be released into the ether.

I can say with forthright conviction that everything I write here in my blog is the authentic truth of a girl piecing the pie together.  I lie to my parents, and I know it’s wrong in many ways, but I’m not there yet – but I’m close!  I get closer and closer to telling them the full truth and they are getting closer and closer to accepting it.  My mother today told me that she feels herself accepting my freedom to own my own life.  It has to happen at her own pace, and I keep pushing her forward.

My parents know everything I’m doing in Spain except for the fact I’m doing it alone.  They also don’t know about the peyote ceremony.  They’re just not ready, and neither am I.

How odd it is to see all this happening.  My awakening is my therapist.  It’s different for everyone, but this is my personal journey with it.  The familiarity of these insights are all congruent with others walking the path.

Everyone’s running from something.  This world is shaped by fear, people are fundamentally shaped by fear.  I want to embrace it (within reason).  I want to confront it.

Every emotion we have, every thought we make, is a choice.  I choose my suffering – I don’t hide from it.  I’m not running anymore.  And from where I’m standing, my strength outweighs my fear and my love for myself makes me shine through any heartache.

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A brief history lesson

20130503-195217.jpg

This is an example of a serendipitous occurrence.  I had no previous knowledge that a peyote ceremony had anything to do with readying my soul for transition or a long journey.  It just sort of happened without my knowledge.

It goes to show that the universe is on my side so long as I’m willing to listen and let it guide.  To trust it basically.  I HAVE to trust it.

I’m a believer in ancient rituals involving spiritual enhancement.  This Indian ceremony that I’m going to, is real.  The universe know’s that it’s real – and that’s why I’m being led there.  You don’t need to know why or how it’s important, just know that it’s happening for a reason.

I leave in four days.  On Miercoles, Wednesday.  The day that celebrates Mercury, the patron saint of travelers (amongst other things).  The reason why it’s placed in the middle of the work week is said to convey the message of  “getting over the hump” as in, “Yay we made it over the hump and it’s easy going from here.”

It’s all easy going after Wednesday.  It’s the anticipation that kills me.

Sitting in work is killing me.  It’s so hard being here right now.  I need some Echkhart Tolle.

In-between clients today, I went and picked up a large suitcase from K’s house.  I asked to borrow it.  After having gone through everything that we went through, I wonder if I’m being one of those girls who has “some nerve” in asking.

“Pfff, Melanie’s got some nerve……”

I don’t know where the line is or even if there is a line.  I’m bad at taking hints.  A person can go years without talking to me and I would still think that everything’s hunky dory.  A person has to literally slam the door on me in order for me to “get it”.  And the last time I saw K, it seemed like everything was ok, so…..

If I’m wrong and everything is still shit, it would take yet another door slam for me to get it – although I won’t get it, I never did get it, and at this point it’s highly unlikely that I ever will get it.

Kristie for instance, had to slam the door.  Matt hung up on me, the Haters made me cry on numerous occasions and Amy verbally assaulted me.  That’s what it takes to have me “getting it.”

Why is this?

I’m so awkwardly sentimental.  I cry at family gatherings when someone taps a wine glass and raises it for a toast.  I get sentimental when people are united.  It’s my sentimental side I cry for.  I cry when that unity is gone.

Not being able to see what’s really happening is like having a wash over my eyes.  It catches me by surprise every time.

I used to think that everyone had my best interests at heart.  I always thought I was being looked after and cared for.  This was my innocent side – the side people saw as naive or stupid.

Unfortunately, my spiritual journey has taken me to a place where I see truth.  The truth that not only do people not have my best interests at heart, but they care for and see only themselves.

I was an innocent sentimental sap.  Dependent on the care and consideration of others.  I trusted them more than I trusted my own knowledge.  I trusted their word over my own.

This knowledge hasn’t hardened me like you would think.  Hardening happens to those who don’t see the light.  No, instead I became wiser.  I’m wiser, but my patience for those who are in the dark has shortened.  Both my patience and my interest in them are gone.  It feels like I’m stepping into the danger zone of getting ruthlessly attacked for no reason other than it makes the other person feel better.

And so I have her suitcase.  Do I have “some nerve”?  I don’t know and I don’t care.  All I know is that I need a suitcase.  If it’s not okay, she has to take the initiative by saying “fuck you Melanie” and slamming the door because otherwise, I won’t get it.

I’ll never get it.

                                 *********************

Okay, I just got home from hanging out with guy friends from high school.

This would be the time where I get all sentimental and innocent by thinking that we have deep roots, so these guys have my best interests at heart (like brothers).

Call me crazy, but why do guys seem more sane than girls?  Guys are still nuts, don’t get me wrong, but I clearly connect better with them.  Or maybe it’s the whole male / female attraction thing taking place?  Maybe I’m genetically inclined to connect better with the male populace?  No.  No, that’s not it at all.  Men aren’t as catty.  They are dogs and I happen to be a dog person.

Men lie in the way of making them look better while women lie in the way of making them feel superior.

Women always lacked power, so we are genetically inclined to seek it – manipulating others for it.  It works, but really it’s all just a game of cat and mouse.  Tom and Jerry to be more precise.  Brains over brawn.

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Activating People into Awareness

I woke up today feeling absolutely amazing – I mean happy, not healthy.  I’m still under the weather.  But I keep having awesome dreams about prosperity.

Last night before lights out, I was watching a documentary about mammals.  It was profound.  Just the way us mammals evolve.  Predators evolve to out-smart / out-run their prey, and their prey evolves to out-smart / out-run their predator.  It’s the great almighty rock tumbler that shapes us into our higher, stronger selves.

During mating season, all the males coral into the center of the flock, marking their territory, holding their ground, while the females peruse which males they like best.  While all the weaker males on the fringes get attacked by predators.  The process both weeds out the weak, but also has the opportunity to strengthen them.  It’s perfect harmony – all harmonizing to the beat of evolution.

Evolution never ceases to amaze me!

I feel that we are at a new stage in our evolution.  A kind of evolution that isn’t based on environment or global changes.  It’s an evolution in consciousness – we are so aware of ourselves, aware of how the environment and circumstances can shape us – so aware of the process that we are able to leap out of it for the first time in history.

There are no “bad guys.”  People who attack others are the ones still living in that animal kingdom of survival.  They’re a necessary evil for evolution.  But now things are shifting.  Compassion is weighing more than revenge.  Justice is prevailing over hatred and apathy.

Lose all hate and gain awareness.  That’s all there is to it.  If you choose to join in the action, it’s like going back into the game.  Playing a game that best suits you until you gain that next evolutionary leap – but the game itself does not matter.  It doesn’t matter if you win or lose – it’s a means to an end.  Anything in-between is all a delusion of ego.

The world we live in is a direct construct of what’s in our conscious minds.  If we all gain awareness, there will be peace – but are we ready for that?

It’s so easy to talk like this now that I made peace with the Melanie Haters (don’t like that term anymore).  I’m not a contradiction to anything I write.  It’s true freedom and true forgiveness.  It’s all so simple – really simple!  How can people not see it?  If the Haters are not at peace, it’s all within themselves and has nothing to do with me.   I am outside looking in – no longer in it – no longer affected.

I’ll tell you why they can’t see it.  It’s hard to put it in words because it’s still so young in my guts – in my feelings.

We can’t escape one an others realities.  We get sucked in.  It’s because of the conscious energy that shapes our world – we shape it unknowingly.  And on a smaller scale, we shape each other unknowingly.  Just with our thoughts!  Our judgements, beliefs, accusations – it becomes REAL.

That’s why it’s so important not to judge / blame people – we feed into that hatred or war.  Everyone’s at their own level of progression – you must respect their progress (this was a heavy insight told to me by ayahuasca).

Guru’s will tell you this stuff and everyone’s like, “yeah yeah we know….”, but to actually understand and see it!  People can’t understand it yet.  They’re still caught in the game, the delusion.  Caught in that mass conscious energy that they’re not aware of.

Sheeeit yo….

Anyway, when I was in my early 20’s, I became aware of how other people’s energies effected my own.  If they saw something in me (can not be put into words, but felt), I felt what they saw  – I truly felt it.  If they thought I was cute, my cuteness would shine.  If they thought I was funny, I became a laugh riot.  I became what people believed about me.

I turned this over and over in my head.

“How can I still be that person without the help of others to see it in me first?  What if they start seeing something bad that isn’t true?”

It’s about strength, belief and self-actualization.

People inevitably activate certain characteristics in others.  Everyone’s multi-faceted, highly complicated personalities having depth and emotion.  If you’re around someone goofy, and if they also see the goofiness in you – you will in turn act goofy.  Even if you’re depressed as shit, it won’t matter.  It won’t matter because someone saw something in you that wasn’t depression – it was fun and laughter.

You become who you hang out with.

I learned this at a young age – possibly in high school.  And when I turned 21, I realized I could easily use this insight to manipulate people however I wanted.  I actually had this discussion with that girl I was in love with when I was 21 and she said to me, “That’s not you.  You don’t want to use people.”

And her words to this day, put that question out of my head.  No, of course that’s not me.

How simple life is when you know who you are.

How simple life is once you learn the formula’s.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that everyone has the capacity to activate beliefs in others.  If you see something in a person, just by you seeing it (it doesn’t need to be verbal or communicated in any way), your conscious energy is a trigger that pulls on their hidden facet.  And the more people you have believing in you, the easier it is to be shaped by that belief and make it stick.  It can make you feel powerful, or can make you feel weak.

Just remember that strength is beauty in both the animal kingdom and in the spiritual kingdom.  If you’re going to evolve, do it right – be brilliant at it!

Goddamn I feel wonderful today.  Super sick, but super happy.  I feel the potential in me swelling up and expanding my ribcage.  There’s not enough of me to go around, and I can’t be contained any longer.  I feel large and inside I feel rock solid.  I want to share myself with others.

This is all part of my solitude cycle.  I always do this.  I figure shit out by being alone with myself and as I do this, it’s like revving up my engine.  Maybe at first I need to repair my engine, but then once I get her started, the old girl rev’s and heats up and bucks around like a wild horse on a lasso.

My thoughts keep me tethered.  And when my thoughts aren’t tethering me, my body is.  There’s not enough of me for everyone everyday.  There’s not enough of me for ME.

I get worn out so easily it seems.  People wear me out because they are like friction – not compatible with myself.  They are the velcro that sticks to me when all I want is for them to be on the same side of fury.  Fury, not hookie.

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Random thoughts about the Camino

Señal del Camino

Señal del Camino (Photo credit: gabsiq)

I’m in work waiting for my client to show.  She’s my pretend sister, my brothers fiancé.

I’m still sick.  All I want to do is go home and put my pajama’s back on.  I feel a type of exhaustion I only felt one other time while I was suffering from altitude sickness when hiking up the goddamned Himalayas.  Unable to move or function.  It’s stress induced, I know it.

And when I am home, I feel bored.  I never get bored!  I’m bored because I’m too exhausted to do anything.  It’s frustrating.  And so I mess around with iMovie and make YouTube video’s like an asshole.

Experiencing boredom makes me understand people better.  They push themselves everyday just to escape this kind of boredom – escape the meaningless of it.  Nobody wants to be alone with themselves.

Time is approaching for the Camino launch.  It really is a big deal.  Not to anyone else, but for me it’s huge.

People go on the Camino expecting to find miracles, insights, to find God, secret cults….etc.  They think it’s some prolific journey and are let down when all they’re up against is walking on blisters.  They can’t find the spirituality they seek.

People need to realize that spirituality happens when you’re alone with yourself.  And just like it is with boredom, it can scare the shit out of anyone.  Make them itch off their skin.  Wanting to get out.

This is the world I live in – the world of reflection.  I’m at ground zero in fighting my own bullshit.  I crave solitude and being alone as a way to find faith in myself, a way to find my ground.  However, with such a big journey approaching, I’m feeling that I need others support more than my own courage.  It’s like reaching for a life raft before sinking into my fears.

I’m not brave enough on my own.

This is why I’m sick.  This is why I felt boredom for the first time in years.  Right now I need to be around people, but unfortunately I’m stuck in bed.  I stretched myself out too thin over the past few weeks and it all caught up.

Now I’m stretching myself out on my bed with my laptop on my crotch.  It’s 9:10 pm.  I downloaded three audiobooks for the Camino.

Ellen DeGeneres – Seriously….I’m Kidding

Tina Fey – BossyPants

Mindy Kaling – Is everyone hanging out without me?

They are all safely stored on my iPhone awaiting day one of the Camino.  In all honesty, I’m looking forward more towards listening to those books than I am to the actual walking part.

I’m having second thoughts about this whole thing.  No no, wait, am I?

I can’t stop sneezing.  My coughs are coming from the bowels of my spleen.  The spleen is a dark slimy green, loud, mucus organ.

Omg I need nightquil.  I have a tear rolling down my salty hot cheek.

Why am I doing the Camino anyway?  I already went through all that spiritual crap, I get it.  Let go, go with the flow, hold no negativity, be compassionate, all suffering is self inflicted.  Yep, got it.  I don’t need to walk across Spain to gain understanding!

My laptop is getting all germy with my hot sweaty hands all over it.

I’m walking it for pride, for ego.  So I can someday look back on it and say “Hell yeah I fucking did that.”  There is no other purpose other than that.

That seems to be the reason why I do everything.  Or is it?  Do I really care about seeing the world and what’s out there?  Or is it all just an attempt at filling that empty space in me that yearns and yearns?  Am I yearning for a proud moment?  Is there meaning in pride?

This is how the camino humbles people.  They see themselves as the horse asses they are.  Possibly once they transcend their arrogance, transcend hiding their weaknesses or lying to themselves, that’s when they reach their ground zero – the true person they really are.  And no, there’s no meaning in pride – it’s only yet another illusion of ego.

You have to stand directly in the light in order to see your own dark shadows.  The camino physically puts you there in that light whether you want it to or not.  That’s the spiritual part of it.  When your physical body gets pushed, so does your soul.

It’s all about thinking, getting yourself good and humbled and asking yourself while looking down that endless road, “is this really all there is?”

Yeah buddy, that’s everything.

You are it!  The zen is already in you.  Which brings me back to the beginning, why oh why the hell am I doing this?

Most people choose to walk alone because they haven’t reached an understanding in themselves.  They need to think more on it.  Think about what?  The why, that’s what.

“Why, why why?”

Me – “Cause it just is man.  Let it go.”

I let everything go.  I let everything go and now I want to walk and leave it all behind.  I want to vanquish even more shit hidden in me.  I want to be both the water and the rock.  Unable to ever be hurt again, but soft enough to embrace change.  My soul is the rock, my physical self and mind are like water.

I want to get there – the foundation, the answer.

In moments such as this, when I find peace – I feel I have it, but then as soon as I’m around people, it gets ripped from me.

Ayahuasca told me I need to be strong for others – maybe this is what she meant.

I need to sleep.

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Melanie searches for her bliss

Ernest Hemingway's 1923 passport photo

Ernest Hemingway’s 1923 passport photo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I feel great today!  Yesterday I was coughin’ my way into a coffin, but today the sun is shining and I feel fantastic.  I don’t want to be here in work.  Think Santiago, think Madrid.  This is why I’m here today.

Arggg……work…..

I’m in the dungeon of my office building.  Amy called it the rape room.  I’m trying to figure out if I truly want to do this for the rest of my life and the answer is no – heck no!

Follow your bliss Melanie.

I’ll always have this office.  It’s a good thing having a trade to fall back on – And it puts me in a perfect place in my timeline where I can afford to spread my wings.

I came across a really great quote by Rumi the other day;

“Knock, And He’ll open the door

Vanish, And He’ll make you shine like the sun

Fall, And He’ll raise you to the heavens

Become nothing, And He’ll turn you into everything.”

If I were to break it down Melanie style, it would go something like this:

“Knock, And He’ll open the door”

You want change, but don’t know what direction to take.  If you pay attention to the signs and follow your heart, doors will open.

“Vanish, And He’ll make you shine like the sun”

Lose your ego.  Lose all negativity and sense of control.  Want nothing and desire nothing and it’s there where you’ll feel as radiant as the sun.

“Fall, And He’ll raise you to the heavens”

Let yourself go and have trust and faith in knowing that everything will always be okay.  

“Become nothing, And He’ll turn you into everything.”

Don’t be caught in the illusion of believing that you’re more special than everyone else.  Be clear, simplify your mind – be humble.  Lose your ego and you become one with everything.

My first client just canceled.  There goes $75 bucks…

I have one more today so it’s not a complete loss.

You know what my problem is?  I’m too damn interested in everything!  I want to do and become everything and everyone.  I want to travel, to write, be a psychologist, take a class on philosophy, ancient myths, learn chemistry, biology, archeology, learn how to be an EMT, be Hemingway, be Picasso, be rich.

The friction of the duality rub is what slows me down.  What’s in my heart can’t happen in the physical – it’s too much work, too much time that I don’t have, too many excuses such as, “will this truly make me happy?  Is it worth it?”

I want to learn basically.  I want to learn enough where I can create something amazing.  The question is, what do I want to create?  That’s a question I’ll take with me on the Camino – it’s the perfect question!

What do I want to create?  What will truly make me happy for the rest of my life?

I love games and puzzles.  I need to find a job that requires putting pieces together.  I love games because I love having a purpose.  The purpose is to win.  You conquer the game, you conquer yourself.  It takes knowledge to do it.

The reason why I’m probing this is because one of my clients told me about edx.org.  It’s a non-profit online college that’s offering free classes.  Everything is free and available to anyone with an internet connection.  You don’t get credits, but you get certificates of mastery.  The participating colleges are spending millions of dollars to teach people who want to learn just for the sake of learning.

I’m not a fan of higher education these days.  They made it into one big money making industry.  People get stuck with tuition bills for the rest of their lives!  Not only that, but they land in a job they’re stuck with indefinitely.  It’s like signing my own prison sentence.  No, no thanks.  Not for me.  But neither is marriage and kids, so I’m an odd ball.

But it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to learn, or am incapable of learning.  I just do it in a real world way, you know?  If I’m curious about something, I go out and participate in it.  Classes are too contained and conventional.  It’s not real – it’s all about money.

But this free online thing is perfect!  I can get a glimpse of these subjects before I commit my life to any of them.  And isn’t that what I’m most afraid of?  Commitment?

After Spain, I’m going to invest in rental properties, sign up for free online classes, work on mastering watercolors and I’ll take it from there. By the time I figure out what makes me happy, I’ll have enough money to invest in the cog of higher education.

And believe it or not, that plan makes me truly happy.

“The only Zen you find on tops of mountains is the Zen you bring there.”

From the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

by Robert M. Pirsig

(I read it, it’s a really good book!)

Okay client where are you?  I’m ready.

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Melanie Falls, But in a Funny Way I’m Sure

There They Go-Go-Go!

There They Go-Go-Go! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Oh num she body oh num she body oh num she body.

I can’t get out of bed.  The stress of my upcoming trip, work, going out, hiking – everything has taken its toll on your poor ol’ pal Mel.

Today is April 24.  That leaves me with 18 more days until I’m on a plane searching for my spirit animal and running around the desert high on peyote thinking I’m a coyote .  And since my visuals tend to be that of a cartoonish variety (judging from a fever induced hallucination I had as a kid), I’ll no doubt turn into Wile E Coyote falling off a cliff.

Aside from my peyote adventures, in 24 days I’ll be walking the entire width of Spain with nothing but the clothes on my back and the boots on my feet.

Today as I lay here in bed completely exhausted while looking at the path that lies ahead, I turn into that turban dude from Indiana Jones getting his heart ripped out.

If I feel completely annihilated now, what’s to come of me on day 5 of my pilgrimage?

This isn’t me.  I’m not an adventurer although I always wanted to be, always pretended to be.  I’m just a plain girl from CT.  I’m a little bit poor, a little bit rich – a little redneck and a little bookish.  My friends are all straight-edged for the most part.  All of them going by the book, going through the stages and emotions of getting older.  Finding their places and comforts.  I have all that I’ll ever need right here at home, but it’s not enough – it was never enough.

Hence my blog, hence the reason for having 30 plus jobs over the years, hence the reason for breaking free and starting my own business.  I just want to be free from the circumstances that shape my life.  And by breaking free, I create my own set of circumstances.

So in 18 days my three-year-old blog of written words may turn into a video diary mainly because I won’t have the strength or resources to write.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I hide behind the written word, but I can’t hide behind a camera in my face.

The reason why I write is that it brings meaning to my life.  I can handle anything because I write – all experiences are never for nothing.  My life is the thing that’s most precious to me, so I want to capture it.

And I’m taking you with me.

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Sacrificing myself for the greater good? Yeah sure, why not?

I’m having a bad case of the mean reds.  Mean reds are when you’re scared.  Sometimes I don’t know why I’m scared, but tonight I know why.  My heart is palpitating because it know’s why.

I had a draining day.  I confronted a Melanie Hater (I don’t like using that term anymore, but that’s how you know them by) earlier for brunch.  We talked about everything.  I knew that the waterworks were going to hit me sooner or later, so I surrendered myself to it.  I openly weeped while sitting in a booth in Grace’s diner.  I tried not making a scene, but it needed to come out.

She told me that I was not welcomed to go on vacation with them to Maine.  She didn’t feel comfortable with me being there.  She kept trying to cycle back to everything that I did, or said – taking the blame off of herself and being unable to empathize with how much she hurt me.  She’s not able to see it.  Like she’s not strong enough or doesn’t know herself enough to know others.  Compassion starts with the self.

She lacks the ability to see herself in others.

I saw everything that was happening and understood it.  I was being open and honest, baring everything, not hiding myself, not getting angry.  I used nothing but compassion and love.  Compassion and love.  I took everything I learned over this past year and used it to strengthen my faith, my courage and my love.  I used my knowledge to try and describe what it feels like to just lift the veil up over your eyes and to live a life of compassion, empathy and forgiveness.

She can’t do it.

“I feel like there’s a block in you.  Like you’re just not able to empathize with me.  I feel like the block is from something inside you that’s stopping it from happening.  Like you don’t have enough love for yourself or self-confidence.  You don’t see other people, you only see yourself and what you’re thinking.”

I wasn’t saying this to be harsh in any way.  I said it because I care about her and I wanted her to see the awesome person that she is.  If she opens up her channel of self-actualization, the love and confidence will follow and with it would come the ability to forgive others.  She’d be able to forgive others because she can accept and forgive herself.

She’s just not there yet.  She’s not there yet and I’ll continue to go through the ringer, but I choose it.  I choose to do it and in all actuality, it’s worth it to me.  It’s worth it to me because she’s my friend.  She’s my friend, so of course it’s worth it.

I told her that I’m sorry for everything I’ve done.  I told her that I loved her.  And then she told me one last time that I wasn’t welcomed to go to Maine with her before getting up and leaving me sitting there with my bitter sweet coffee of tears.

Except I had no more tears at that point.  I sat there nodding my head.  I was tapped out for the day.

But afterwards, I felt truly wonderful.  Completely head over heals in love with myself.  I felt like a rock, like an unshakable rock of truth and love.  And I knew at that moment that it’s in these moments that define my purpose.  I’m a giver, a healer, but I’m also the sign on your back that says “please kick me.”

I kick you awake beeyoch.

No, just kidding….

I can’t make anyone see what I see.  I can’t make them see what they’re not ready to see.

Losing the ego is the death of self – it’s completely terrifying.  Not only are you suffering loss, but also embarking on the unknown.  It’s an experience that must be felt, not told.  And the best way to help a person understand is only through love and compassion.  All I can do is give my love and compassion.  I can’t tell people anything, only show and give.  I baptize them with my own tears.  I embody the loving energy of Christ.  The same Christ that people intellectually know about, but feel too weak to embody forgiveness in themselves.

I’m there!

That monk really did do something to my brain.  Am I sure I really want this?  It’s a lonely path after all.  It’s lonely when being defenseless and laying my heart on the line.  I can feel it in my chest.  Pumping beneath my sternum – virtually unprotected.  But I can’t deny the strength I get from it.  It’s iridescent.

Today I hiked, cleaned my room, finished a painting and watched Lost.  I watched the episode where Julia dies by falling down a shaft and smashing the nuclear bomb with a rock.  I cried.  Then I watched a foreign documentary about a druggy prostitute called Loving Sophie.  I cried.  Then I tried watching a documentary about dying and grief – why did I do that?  I emptied myself out before shutting the movie off.

It got me thinking about how important it is to have supportive friends and family in times of crisis.  I thought about the Camino and I hate to say it but, what if something happens to me out there?  I’m not strong enough to do it on my own.  I need all the prayers I can get.  I need to know that people will be here for me when I get back.  That’s why going to Maine was so important to me.  To feel like I have something to come home to.  It’s unbearably scary knowing that I have nothing to come back to.

Hence the reason for the Mean Reds.

I’m so tired.  That rock tumbler is something else I tell ya.  Okay, I’m going to step out of the big almighty tumbler for the time being and look at it for what it really is.  It’s shaping me, evolving me and strengthening me.  I have to let it do what it does.  I asked for this.  There is nobody to blame but myself.

Unconditional surrender to the process requires unconditional love for others.

I will never forget this, never revert back to the old Melanie.  All thanks to you.  My memory bank blog.  My tender silent comrade.

This stuff is real, and if you pay enough attention to it, it might save your life some day.  Or somebody else’s.  Ah hell, it may save all of goddamned humanity.

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Learning is Believing and Seeing is Creating

I only have one more watercolor class left until it’s all over.  I love this class –  I really love it.  I love the ladies, the instructor, and the woman sitting next to me who can’t handle criticism.  I can see myself in all of them.

People become vulnerable when learning or doing something new, and if you look close enough, you can see your own reflection in their fears and weaknesses.

I’m only able to see myself with the help of others.  It’s like I see myself in them and understand that if I don’t like what I see, I can change it in myself.  I can change it because I know myself.

My mother was the first person whom I learned this from.  I was only a kid, maybe 6 or 7.  I learned that she was unable to see the person she became.  I kept thinking over and over, “If only she can hear herself.  If only she can see herself…..”

I became enamored with our old Sony camcorder bought in 1988.  I was 8 years old lugging that big thing on my thin bony shoulder.  I wanted to capture the true nature of people – the parts they miss out seeing while being in their first person perspective.  I became the one responsible for recording video at all family functions.  My high-pitched squeak voice narrated.  I was rarely seen in our home video’s, only heard.

Creating yourself is about seeing yourself, whether you like what you see or not.

That’s why I believe art to be self-actualized.

I’ve always been somewhat good at artsy things.  I don’t consider it being a natural talent – there’s no such thing as natural talent.  Natural talent can’t be explained, but the way we learn can be explained.  It’s not only about how we learn that brings about talent, but also the passion we have for our endeavors mixed with the belief in knowing that we’re good enough.  No limits.

However, ayahuasca told me that I do possess unique talents.  Perhaps she was talking about my ability to understand how to create.  Patience and a steady hand, but the most important thing being:  Don’t take it seriously!

I hate to bring up ego again but, seriousness breeds itself in the ego.  It’s judgment of yourself and of others.  It’s void of trusting and believing in yourself – it’s your fears incarnate.

It’s only when you let go of being serious, you are able to play and have fun.

All the ladies in the class are taking watercolor too seriously.  They’re afraid of every brush stroke, while I’m sitting there cross-legged on my chair, thumbs in the thumbholes of my hoodie, daintily daunting the paper with the tip of my brush and thinking – “whatever happens, happens.  I’m having fun!”

This is the part of my personality that can be annoying.  My ability to just not give a shit, and at the same time, showcase talent.  Why can’t people put these two together?!

Relinquish your need to control.  You will never be able to control your fears.  Let it go.

Everything will be okay in time.  In time, I will get good.  Also, when you let your ego govern you, you’re not learning anything.  All you see are mistakes and frustration – that’s not playing and when you’re not playing, you’re not learning.

Anyway, my big trip is approaching.  Peyote in Arizona and then hiking 500 miles in Spain.  All I want to do is sit on the toilet to stop myself from shitting my pants.  I’m not a traveler – I don’t do things like this.  Especially not alone or without a guide.  I’m 33 years old and I still live downstairs from my parents!

They don’t know I’m going by myself.  And I assure you, I am NOT smart.  But stupid people have the best adventures, right?

On top of all that, my stupid-ass managed to get uninvited to go on vacation with my old friends – the same friends I grew up with thinking that they were the only friends I would ever need.  I was uninvited as quickly as I was invited.  Why?  Because I wanted to make sure they actually wanted me to go.  And as it turns out, they don’t.

My heart feels the physical pangs of hurt (even though I didn’t think that was possible anymore), isolation and fear.  Unwillingness to believe it’s possible to be abandoned all over again – how can it be?  What did I do?  I have to accept it.  I have to deal with it.  But shit, it hurts.

But I also feel courage.  I have courage and faith.  And I know for certain that there’s nothing more important to me right now than going on this trip.  This is my life – this is exactly what I want to do with my life.

I flipped thru my journal from Colombia earlier today.  I wrote while I was toked up on ayahuasca and another time with yopo.  Why not share some pages with you?  Hell, you know everything else there is to know about me….20130403-020703.jpg20130403-020621.jpg

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Huh I just re-read a paragraph and it makes me think once again that everyone here living on this planet are here because they are fearful.  EVERYONE!  The only way out of it is faith.  To have faith, suffering to attain that faith, and become strong and light.  My faith is still shakeable, but I’m getting there.  Compassion Melanie.  Must remember compassion, being humble and open.  This world is fantasy.  Believe.

I am a light spirit.  No no scratch that.  I am thee light spirit.

Okay, being thee light spirit isn’t humble, but I’m playing in my ego which is totally okay so long as I know it’s just a delusion.

I know I sound crazy but I’ve been reading other spiritual teachers and let me just tell you hole-lee-shit it’s everywhere.  It ain’t just me.  And the SAME insights no less!

It’s profound.  Completely profound.  My heart thumps in awe after having crawled out of its slimy container of grief.  I really am beautiful.  We all are.

So hang in there old girl, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

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Melanie’s astral projections, meeting her monk spirit guide and letting her ego die by letting go

I’m notorious for having weird dreams and last night was no exception.  I did not smoke pot nor did I ingest any type of drug besides nicotine (which was probably the culprit).

I dreamt I was living in a quaint seaside town, a place familiar to me (I’ve been there many times before in dreams). I knew where the mall was, the casino, the eatery, etc.  I also knew where the shaman lived.  The towns shaman brewed a medicine that looked and tasted like warm milk.  After you drink it, it releases you from your physical body and you are set free to enjoy the spirit world.

It was exactly like ayahuasca, only it wasn’t.

Everyone in town grew up drinking the shamans brew.  It was part of their everyday life and never considered it a profound experience.  It was like vacationing in Florida, fun but not profound.  Drink the medicine, leave your body, visit different worlds.  This is the way of the universe.

I had a memory of me and my mother going to see the shaman so we can drink the liquid together.  She said we were taking a vacation and this was the easiest way to do it.  But I wanted to be on my own this time, so I went to the teahouse to see the shaman by myself.

I waited my turn and when it was finally time, the shaman nonchalantly handed me the cup of warm white liquid.  I drank it down, thanked him, and walked away knowing that the medicine wouldn’t take effect for a few more minutes.  I needed to find a place to settle my body before the journey.

But the medicine hit me so hard that I collapsed where I stood in the hallway of the teahouse.  This was a common thing and again, not a big deal to the townspeople.

I found myself sinking down into darkness.  This is when I became lucid.

Me thinking – “Oh man, here we go again.  I’m too tired for this..”

I started flying down a wormhole at light speed as I’ve done so many times before (I’m always lucid when this happens).  I thought about all the possible worlds I could end up in and hoped it wasn’t taking me to a hell world.  After talking to people who drank ayahuasca, it’s quite common to end up there.

I was too tired to wake myself up.  I wasn’t scared enough to want to wake up.  Plus I was curious to see why I was being called out again.  I said my prayers and asked not to be brought to a dark place.

I’m not sure where I ended up to be honest.  This is the first time I had a muddled out of body experience.  I remember bits and pieces of it, but for the most part I felt drugged.  There was a tidal wave sloshing around back and forth in my head.

I landed safely in some world outside our dimension.  I was in what looked like a library.  I walked around dazed for a little bit, looking around wondering why I was there.  That’s when I met a regular looking guy in his 40’s or 50’s who smiled at me and asked, “Do you know who I am?”

Me – “You are me.”

I figured that he was probably a manifestation of my thoughts brought to life, he was only my imagination.  But then he said something so profound that I was left feeling confused wondering how in God’s graces my brain could ever think up what he just said.  I thought long about this.  I spent so long thinking about it, wondering if he was a real spirit guide or just my imagination, that I completely forgot what his profound insight was.  He was trying to warn me about something.

I was then whisked away in an instant, being taken to yet another teacher.  He was a thin monk dressed in buddhist robes.  I don’t remember exactly what he said to me, but what I do remember is him telling me that I’m God – not thee God, but A God.  I had complete control over everything.

He sat in his chair while looking me up and down assessing what I needed.  He had a kind face, but it wasn’t smiling.  His face was so kind he didn’t need to smile.  After examining me, he knew what needed to be done.

Him – “You need to believe that you have full control.”

Me – “How?  I don’t understand how to do it?”

Monk – “We need to reprogram your brain.”

And that’s when things got really foggy.  The old monk did something to me.  Waves of white light flushed out my vision.  I clutched the sides of my head and closed my eyes.  I literally felt my brain moving inside my skull.  It didn’t hurt, but something physical was definitely happening in there.

I felt drugged up again.  There was a sweeping sensation in my head.  I was lucid and trying to make sense of what I was feeling.  I couldn’t relate it to anything I experienced before.

Me thinking – “Oh my God is this really happening?”

My gut told me that this monk was preparing me for something.  That maybe I’ll be faced with some kind of danger on the Camino.

That’s when the dream faded out and I woke up to my alarm going off, or maybe I woke up earlier than that, I can’t remember.  I was in a funk when I woke.  I think I slept for maybe 2 hours the entire night and during those two hours, I was fully conscious and getting a lobotomy.  It was exhausting.

I don’t feel any different today.  I’m much happier than I was yesterday I can tell you that.  Yesterday sucked something awful, sorry for the depressing post that came from it.

Anyway, today I’m ecstatic!  I made $240 and added another regular – possibly two new regulars to my clientele.  And I got to talk to my bff about leaving me out of vacationing with her.  It’s all aired out, all the dirty laundry.  And so I’m pretty damn happy today.

My brain is still acting and thinking in the same patterns.  If that old monk was for real, than this won’t be the last time I see him.  He didn’t get all the gunk out of me head.

After being awakened with ayahuasca, I saw the universe for what it really is.  And even after being granted that knowledge, I’m still unable to let go.  Letting go feels like dying.

When I was high on pot (pot is great for meditation!), I wanted to find the place of no thought.  But I couldn’t achieve it no matter how much I tried.  Something was holding me back.  I asked myself why?  Why can’t I let go?  And that’s when the fear of death crept over me.  All my fears revolve around the fear of death.  But it’s a universal fear – we are all afraid to die.

Even though I was sitting comfortably, my body being completely relaxed, safe and healthy – When I let go of all thought, it’s actually my “self” that dies, not the body, but my identity.  Everything I learned from past experiences along with all hopes for my future – all of it wiped clean away.  If I have no past or future, the me that I think I am no longer exists.  I no longer have control over anything, I only need to trust and believe.

This is loss of ego and it can be terrifying.  But with this loss comes with it an understanding of all things.  It’s terrifying until it happens, then your realize there was nothing to be afraid of – the same goes for actual physical death of your body.  Once you let go of yourself, you become one with everything.  It’s one of the base layers of awareness.

When I was under ayahuasca, she showed me that I belong here in the universe.  That I’m not separate from it, I am a part of it.

The thoughts that arise during meditation are important.  The reason why they weigh on your mind is because you haven’t dealt with them yet.  You may think you have, but you only placed them in the ongoing loop of rationalization.  When people don’t understand something, their rational mind digs for answers.  Using a shovel to dig through water doesn’t work – but rowing moves you to wherever you want.  Move past it!  Accept that it’s there, then move past.  Or better yet, stay for a while and let the current take you.

People think that the best way to deal with a problem is to understand it.  Once you understand, you are then able to let go – well, that’s the popular belief at least.

If you don’t understand an issue in your life, you become attached to it with fear.  Fear causes you to think.  Fear forces you to seek understanding.

In my humble opinion, what it really means to “deal with your problems,” is just another way of saying “accepting your problems”.  When you deal with something, you accept it.  And by accepting it, you remain humble.

This is the opposite of what most people are taught.  Not so much taught, but fell into.  Letting fear of the unknown direct your next move, not being able to Let Go and Let God.  Controlling the situation, the people, the outcome, and for what?  What’s it all for?  In the grand scope of things, does it really matter that much?

Irrational controlling lady – “This is unAcceptable!  No, I can’t have this.”

Voice of reality – “Well lady you’re just going to have to deal with it.”

This is suffering.

This is why we’re here and it’s something we all have to deal with.  By being humble, you hold yourself responsible and accept everything that happens to you.  By remaining in your ego, you will never accept anything that you can’t understand (or control).  You hold onto your self and your identity.  Never letting go of the past or what may come of the future.  This denial is the root of all mental illness (unless you were hit on the head really hard).

Suffering happens when you hold onto the person you once were.  You suffered a loss that changed you, not only you, but your world.  When your past self meets your new self, it creates friction.  Our ego can’t let go.  Our ego uses blame and judgement for explanations.  And that form of “understanding” acts as fuel for a faulty power source.  Pulling from the outside and not from within for answers and strength.

I’m not above any of this.  My pot addled brain made me well aware of my inability to let go.

I’m getting goosebumps on my head.

That monk from my dream is trying to awaken my brain into acceptance of all that is.  And once I let go, I can trust and believe in myself to make my life my own.  The ironic thing is, once I let go, only then will the answers and understanding be brought to me.  This is the way things work.  If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself.

All of this sounds familiar to me.  Like I’ve been writing it again and again.  Am I going crazy?  Shhhh, let it go Mel, let it go.

That’s the one crappy thing about all of this.  People thinking I’m crazy and that I think too much.

Me #1 – “Just relax, have fun, chill.”

Me #2 – “I do relax, have fun and chill.  I just need to do a few things first.”

Me #1 – “Well when will you be done?  All this exhausts me.”

Me #2 – “I’m so close to getting it, I’m almost there.  Let me just understand a bit more and I’ll join back up with the rest of the world.”

Me #3 – “I’m hungry.”

Me #1 & #2 – “Shut up and deal with it.”

And that’s pretty much how my brain works.  I’ve had that conversation with myself on and off since I was 14.  Whenever I felt satisfied with my findings, I’d put everything down and went out to play.

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