Category Archives: journal

A brief history lesson

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This is an example of a serendipitous occurrence.  I had no previous knowledge that a peyote ceremony had anything to do with readying my soul for transition or a long journey.  It just sort of happened without my knowledge.

It goes to show that the universe is on my side so long as I’m willing to listen and let it guide.  To trust it basically.  I HAVE to trust it.

I’m a believer in ancient rituals involving spiritual enhancement.  This Indian ceremony that I’m going to, is real.  The universe know’s that it’s real – and that’s why I’m being led there.  You don’t need to know why or how it’s important, just know that it’s happening for a reason.

I leave in four days.  On Miercoles, Wednesday.  The day that celebrates Mercury, the patron saint of travelers (amongst other things).  The reason why it’s placed in the middle of the work week is said to convey the message of  “getting over the hump” as in, “Yay we made it over the hump and it’s easy going from here.”

It’s all easy going after Wednesday.  It’s the anticipation that kills me.

Sitting in work is killing me.  It’s so hard being here right now.  I need some Echkhart Tolle.

In-between clients today, I went and picked up a large suitcase from K’s house.  I asked to borrow it.  After having gone through everything that we went through, I wonder if I’m being one of those girls who has “some nerve” in asking.

“Pfff, Melanie’s got some nerve……”

I don’t know where the line is or even if there is a line.  I’m bad at taking hints.  A person can go years without talking to me and I would still think that everything’s hunky dory.  A person has to literally slam the door on me in order for me to “get it”.  And the last time I saw K, it seemed like everything was ok, so…..

If I’m wrong and everything is still shit, it would take yet another door slam for me to get it – although I won’t get it, I never did get it, and at this point it’s highly unlikely that I ever will get it.

Kristie for instance, had to slam the door.  Matt hung up on me, the Haters made me cry on numerous occasions and Amy verbally assaulted me.  That’s what it takes to have me “getting it.”

Why is this?

I’m so awkwardly sentimental.  I cry at family gatherings when someone taps a wine glass and raises it for a toast.  I get sentimental when people are united.  It’s my sentimental side I cry for.  I cry when that unity is gone.

Not being able to see what’s really happening is like having a wash over my eyes.  It catches me by surprise every time.

I used to think that everyone had my best interests at heart.  I always thought I was being looked after and cared for.  This was my innocent side – the side people saw as naive or stupid.

Unfortunately, my spiritual journey has taken me to a place where I see truth.  The truth that not only do people not have my best interests at heart, but they care for and see only themselves.

I was an innocent sentimental sap.  Dependent on the care and consideration of others.  I trusted them more than I trusted my own knowledge.  I trusted their word over my own.

This knowledge hasn’t hardened me like you would think.  Hardening happens to those who don’t see the light.  No, instead I became wiser.  I’m wiser, but my patience for those who are in the dark has shortened.  Both my patience and my interest in them are gone.  It feels like I’m stepping into the danger zone of getting ruthlessly attacked for no reason other than it makes the other person feel better.

And so I have her suitcase.  Do I have “some nerve”?  I don’t know and I don’t care.  All I know is that I need a suitcase.  If it’s not okay, she has to take the initiative by saying “fuck you Melanie” and slamming the door because otherwise, I won’t get it.

I’ll never get it.

                                 *********************

Okay, I just got home from hanging out with guy friends from high school.

This would be the time where I get all sentimental and innocent by thinking that we have deep roots, so these guys have my best interests at heart (like brothers).

Call me crazy, but why do guys seem more sane than girls?  Guys are still nuts, don’t get me wrong, but I clearly connect better with them.  Or maybe it’s the whole male / female attraction thing taking place?  Maybe I’m genetically inclined to connect better with the male populace?  No.  No, that’s not it at all.  Men aren’t as catty.  They are dogs and I happen to be a dog person.

Men lie in the way of making them look better while women lie in the way of making them feel superior.

Women always lacked power, so we are genetically inclined to seek it – manipulating others for it.  It works, but really it’s all just a game of cat and mouse.  Tom and Jerry to be more precise.  Brains over brawn.

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Random thoughts about the Camino

Señal del Camino

Señal del Camino (Photo credit: gabsiq)

I’m in work waiting for my client to show.  She’s my pretend sister, my brothers fiancé.

I’m still sick.  All I want to do is go home and put my pajama’s back on.  I feel a type of exhaustion I only felt one other time while I was suffering from altitude sickness when hiking up the goddamned Himalayas.  Unable to move or function.  It’s stress induced, I know it.

And when I am home, I feel bored.  I never get bored!  I’m bored because I’m too exhausted to do anything.  It’s frustrating.  And so I mess around with iMovie and make YouTube video’s like an asshole.

Experiencing boredom makes me understand people better.  They push themselves everyday just to escape this kind of boredom – escape the meaningless of it.  Nobody wants to be alone with themselves.

Time is approaching for the Camino launch.  It really is a big deal.  Not to anyone else, but for me it’s huge.

People go on the Camino expecting to find miracles, insights, to find God, secret cults….etc.  They think it’s some prolific journey and are let down when all they’re up against is walking on blisters.  They can’t find the spirituality they seek.

People need to realize that spirituality happens when you’re alone with yourself.  And just like it is with boredom, it can scare the shit out of anyone.  Make them itch off their skin.  Wanting to get out.

This is the world I live in – the world of reflection.  I’m at ground zero in fighting my own bullshit.  I crave solitude and being alone as a way to find faith in myself, a way to find my ground.  However, with such a big journey approaching, I’m feeling that I need others support more than my own courage.  It’s like reaching for a life raft before sinking into my fears.

I’m not brave enough on my own.

This is why I’m sick.  This is why I felt boredom for the first time in years.  Right now I need to be around people, but unfortunately I’m stuck in bed.  I stretched myself out too thin over the past few weeks and it all caught up.

Now I’m stretching myself out on my bed with my laptop on my crotch.  It’s 9:10 pm.  I downloaded three audiobooks for the Camino.

Ellen DeGeneres – Seriously….I’m Kidding

Tina Fey – BossyPants

Mindy Kaling – Is everyone hanging out without me?

They are all safely stored on my iPhone awaiting day one of the Camino.  In all honesty, I’m looking forward more towards listening to those books than I am to the actual walking part.

I’m having second thoughts about this whole thing.  No no, wait, am I?

I can’t stop sneezing.  My coughs are coming from the bowels of my spleen.  The spleen is a dark slimy green, loud, mucus organ.

Omg I need nightquil.  I have a tear rolling down my salty hot cheek.

Why am I doing the Camino anyway?  I already went through all that spiritual crap, I get it.  Let go, go with the flow, hold no negativity, be compassionate, all suffering is self inflicted.  Yep, got it.  I don’t need to walk across Spain to gain understanding!

My laptop is getting all germy with my hot sweaty hands all over it.

I’m walking it for pride, for ego.  So I can someday look back on it and say “Hell yeah I fucking did that.”  There is no other purpose other than that.

That seems to be the reason why I do everything.  Or is it?  Do I really care about seeing the world and what’s out there?  Or is it all just an attempt at filling that empty space in me that yearns and yearns?  Am I yearning for a proud moment?  Is there meaning in pride?

This is how the camino humbles people.  They see themselves as the horse asses they are.  Possibly once they transcend their arrogance, transcend hiding their weaknesses or lying to themselves, that’s when they reach their ground zero – the true person they really are.  And no, there’s no meaning in pride – it’s only yet another illusion of ego.

You have to stand directly in the light in order to see your own dark shadows.  The camino physically puts you there in that light whether you want it to or not.  That’s the spiritual part of it.  When your physical body gets pushed, so does your soul.

It’s all about thinking, getting yourself good and humbled and asking yourself while looking down that endless road, “is this really all there is?”

Yeah buddy, that’s everything.

You are it!  The zen is already in you.  Which brings me back to the beginning, why oh why the hell am I doing this?

Most people choose to walk alone because they haven’t reached an understanding in themselves.  They need to think more on it.  Think about what?  The why, that’s what.

“Why, why why?”

Me – “Cause it just is man.  Let it go.”

I let everything go.  I let everything go and now I want to walk and leave it all behind.  I want to vanquish even more shit hidden in me.  I want to be both the water and the rock.  Unable to ever be hurt again, but soft enough to embrace change.  My soul is the rock, my physical self and mind are like water.

I want to get there – the foundation, the answer.

In moments such as this, when I find peace – I feel I have it, but then as soon as I’m around people, it gets ripped from me.

Ayahuasca told me I need to be strong for others – maybe this is what she meant.

I need to sleep.

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Melanie searches for her bliss

Ernest Hemingway's 1923 passport photo

Ernest Hemingway’s 1923 passport photo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I feel great today!  Yesterday I was coughin’ my way into a coffin, but today the sun is shining and I feel fantastic.  I don’t want to be here in work.  Think Santiago, think Madrid.  This is why I’m here today.

Arggg……work…..

I’m in the dungeon of my office building.  Amy called it the rape room.  I’m trying to figure out if I truly want to do this for the rest of my life and the answer is no – heck no!

Follow your bliss Melanie.

I’ll always have this office.  It’s a good thing having a trade to fall back on – And it puts me in a perfect place in my timeline where I can afford to spread my wings.

I came across a really great quote by Rumi the other day;

“Knock, And He’ll open the door

Vanish, And He’ll make you shine like the sun

Fall, And He’ll raise you to the heavens

Become nothing, And He’ll turn you into everything.”

If I were to break it down Melanie style, it would go something like this:

“Knock, And He’ll open the door”

You want change, but don’t know what direction to take.  If you pay attention to the signs and follow your heart, doors will open.

“Vanish, And He’ll make you shine like the sun”

Lose your ego.  Lose all negativity and sense of control.  Want nothing and desire nothing and it’s there where you’ll feel as radiant as the sun.

“Fall, And He’ll raise you to the heavens”

Let yourself go and have trust and faith in knowing that everything will always be okay.  

“Become nothing, And He’ll turn you into everything.”

Don’t be caught in the illusion of believing that you’re more special than everyone else.  Be clear, simplify your mind – be humble.  Lose your ego and you become one with everything.

My first client just canceled.  There goes $75 bucks…

I have one more today so it’s not a complete loss.

You know what my problem is?  I’m too damn interested in everything!  I want to do and become everything and everyone.  I want to travel, to write, be a psychologist, take a class on philosophy, ancient myths, learn chemistry, biology, archeology, learn how to be an EMT, be Hemingway, be Picasso, be rich.

The friction of the duality rub is what slows me down.  What’s in my heart can’t happen in the physical – it’s too much work, too much time that I don’t have, too many excuses such as, “will this truly make me happy?  Is it worth it?”

I want to learn basically.  I want to learn enough where I can create something amazing.  The question is, what do I want to create?  That’s a question I’ll take with me on the Camino – it’s the perfect question!

What do I want to create?  What will truly make me happy for the rest of my life?

I love games and puzzles.  I need to find a job that requires putting pieces together.  I love games because I love having a purpose.  The purpose is to win.  You conquer the game, you conquer yourself.  It takes knowledge to do it.

The reason why I’m probing this is because one of my clients told me about edx.org.  It’s a non-profit online college that’s offering free classes.  Everything is free and available to anyone with an internet connection.  You don’t get credits, but you get certificates of mastery.  The participating colleges are spending millions of dollars to teach people who want to learn just for the sake of learning.

I’m not a fan of higher education these days.  They made it into one big money making industry.  People get stuck with tuition bills for the rest of their lives!  Not only that, but they land in a job they’re stuck with indefinitely.  It’s like signing my own prison sentence.  No, no thanks.  Not for me.  But neither is marriage and kids, so I’m an odd ball.

But it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to learn, or am incapable of learning.  I just do it in a real world way, you know?  If I’m curious about something, I go out and participate in it.  Classes are too contained and conventional.  It’s not real – it’s all about money.

But this free online thing is perfect!  I can get a glimpse of these subjects before I commit my life to any of them.  And isn’t that what I’m most afraid of?  Commitment?

After Spain, I’m going to invest in rental properties, sign up for free online classes, work on mastering watercolors and I’ll take it from there. By the time I figure out what makes me happy, I’ll have enough money to invest in the cog of higher education.

And believe it or not, that plan makes me truly happy.

“The only Zen you find on tops of mountains is the Zen you bring there.”

From the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

by Robert M. Pirsig

(I read it, it’s a really good book!)

Okay client where are you?  I’m ready.

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Melanie Falls, But in a Funny Way I’m Sure

There They Go-Go-Go!

There They Go-Go-Go! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Oh num she body oh num she body oh num she body.

I can’t get out of bed.  The stress of my upcoming trip, work, going out, hiking – everything has taken its toll on your poor ol’ pal Mel.

Today is April 24.  That leaves me with 18 more days until I’m on a plane searching for my spirit animal and running around the desert high on peyote thinking I’m a coyote .  And since my visuals tend to be that of a cartoonish variety (judging from a fever induced hallucination I had as a kid), I’ll no doubt turn into Wile E Coyote falling off a cliff.

Aside from my peyote adventures, in 24 days I’ll be walking the entire width of Spain with nothing but the clothes on my back and the boots on my feet.

Today as I lay here in bed completely exhausted while looking at the path that lies ahead, I turn into that turban dude from Indiana Jones getting his heart ripped out.

If I feel completely annihilated now, what’s to come of me on day 5 of my pilgrimage?

This isn’t me.  I’m not an adventurer although I always wanted to be, always pretended to be.  I’m just a plain girl from CT.  I’m a little bit poor, a little bit rich – a little redneck and a little bookish.  My friends are all straight-edged for the most part.  All of them going by the book, going through the stages and emotions of getting older.  Finding their places and comforts.  I have all that I’ll ever need right here at home, but it’s not enough – it was never enough.

Hence my blog, hence the reason for having 30 plus jobs over the years, hence the reason for breaking free and starting my own business.  I just want to be free from the circumstances that shape my life.  And by breaking free, I create my own set of circumstances.

So in 18 days my three-year-old blog of written words may turn into a video diary mainly because I won’t have the strength or resources to write.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I hide behind the written word, but I can’t hide behind a camera in my face.

The reason why I write is that it brings meaning to my life.  I can handle anything because I write – all experiences are never for nothing.  My life is the thing that’s most precious to me, so I want to capture it.

And I’m taking you with me.

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I’m a damned writing fool is what I am

Hi I’m Melanie and I’m a time traveler.  I’m from the year 2068 and I’m 88 years old. I traveled back in time to accomplish everything that I was too scared to do when I had the chance.  The only problem is, I forgot all my memories of the future.  I’m living today as if my older self never existed.  I have a clean slate, a new beginning.

So here I am at 33 years old.  Perfect health, perfect teeth.  Not a single responsibility except for owning a small business where I set my own hours.  I have $8,000 in the bank and a steady flow of continuous income.

I landed myself at a good time in my lifeline.  A time where I can literally do anything, learn anything.  BE anyone!

Yesterday I got home from work at around 5.  I needed to finish planning the last two weeks of Spain where I’ll be traveling from Santiago, Madrid, Barcelona and then to Pamplona for the running of the bulls.  I had to book my hostels in advance so to avoid getting stuck anywhere paying out the nose (learned from a client).  I mapped out walking directions to the airport, walking directions from Hostel to Hostel, I purchased a plane ticket to take me from Santiago to Madrid.

I’m still not done planning yet.  It’s the directions that I want to be sure of.  I’m going to try and avoid taxi’s and public transit so long as I can help it.  It’s cheaper to walk, plus I get to see more scenery.  I immerse myself in my surroundings when I walk.  However, I no doubt will have to learn the bus or subway system while I’m there if by any chance there’s a “must see” museum far off.

This type of planning is the hard part.  Pilgrimages are easier.  They’re linear and you walk in a straight line from town to town.  Very little planning is necessary because everything you need to know and see is all right there.

My clients are starting to say, “I’ll see you when you get back!”  Instead of saying, “What do you have open 4 weeks from now?”

To me it still feels like it’s so far off in the future.  But it’s not.  Today is April 19 and I leave for Arizona May 8.  That’s in how many days?  27.  27 more days.  27 days until I’m in the desert eating peyote buttons and searching for my spirit animal.  And in 33 days I’ll be walking 500 miles to unknown lands across the sea.

My next client will be here any minute.  I’m booked mostly everyday until I leave.  I feel like I should be home planning the rest of those last two weeks.  I’m jittery and restless.  And last night I was hit once again with the mean reds.  The mean reds of fearing that I’m truly alone on my journey.

It’s now the next day.  I got locked out of my office because I went for a drink with my last client to the attached bar upstairs.  He’s a politician, a democrat.  He was mayor at 26 years old and now he’s something else but I didn’t ask what he does.  He’s very smart and I enjoyed his conversation, so agreed to one drink which turned into several.  He’s gotta be out of his mind if he’s looking for a cheap hook up.

My clients are awesome, I ain’t gonna lie.  Every person that comes to see me now are all regulars that know about my trip.  Today I’m massaging my asian mentor client – it’s exciting.  90 minutes of good conversation and I’ll be rewarded with $100.  My job is the shiz.  The shiz I say!

I’m the shiz.

Not only am I the shiz, but a Melanie Hater texted me last night saying that we’re going to be just fine.  It made me so happy to hear!  That means I’m most likely going to Maine after the trip to Spain and I’ll be welcomed back into my family of friends after our long harrowing absence.  It’s like returning home for real – returning to happier times – my roots and my heart.  That makes a journey like this possible.  It lifts me up and gives me strength.

So I returned to a time in my life where I have no limits.  I have the wisdom of my 88 year old self and the timeless love of forgiveness and togetherness.  I’m not alone, and not only am I not alone, but I’m loved.

Two nights ago I was exhausted while laying in bed surrendering to sleep.  That’s when I asked the question, “is there really a God?  One almighty God?”

I tried rationalizing the irrational.  I realized that I had to turn off my monkey brain and use my left brain – the feeling side that know’s no language.  I tried feeling the answer – I deeply meditated and probed for an answer, for some kind of understanding.  Then it hit me.  Hit it me so hard that it felt like my chest was being brutally punctured by that long syringe from Pulp Fiction.  I felt like I was having a heart attack and that my mind was going insane.

For a brief second I had it.  I felt it.  I understood.  But my brain couldn’t handle it.

He felt like a singularity and all encompassing  – so close and so far.  Webs, mathematics, love and fear, light and dark.  My brain wasn’t able to hold onto it.  I felt terror and panic welling up inside.  My heart physically felt adrenaline – so much so that I wanted it to stop.  But I understood – I saw it.  There are no words to describe what I felt.  Only that yes, there is a God.  Not only is there a God, but we will NEVER be able to know him.

We will never be able to connect deeply with him.  Much like infants not being able to understand their parents.  We’re just not there yet.  We haven’t grown enough.

But yeah, I connected for a brief moment with God and wow holy crap.  Do I want to do it again?  I don’t know.  I have to have unwavering faith and belief in myself – eliminating my fear of death, eliminating my need to control.  I need to be deeply aware of myself and my individuality so that I don’t lose myself or my mind.

Okay, now it’s 2:30 in the morning.  I just got home from Bar in New Haven.  I was in the back, where the dance happens.  I was a dancing fool.  The only one wearing hiking boots.  At one point I proclaimed, “It’s too damn crowded in here, I can’t dance my real dance!”  So the girls I went there with pushed back all the sweaty vibrating guys and made room for me.  I let loose and didn’t give a shit.  I was me in all my glory, and everyone moved back to recognize.

All anyone wants is to be either entertained or inspired.  If they can’t get love with whomever they’re with, they look for it on the outside.  All anyone wants is love.  Self actualized love.  It’s all about connection, inspiration, appreciation.  Knowing how you look to others and having that awareness to respect and connect on their level.  It’s the Great Agreement is what I call it.  The physical reality of the outside in agreement with what’s on the inside.

You can be who you are all you want, but to really have an influence on the outside world, you have to connect with it.  And of course the only way to do that is with self-actualization.  That illuminous video camera that captures your true self.  You have to see yourself in the real world so you don’t lose yourself or your mind.

I’m laying here in bed eating carrot sticks and vaping my electronic cigarette.  Nobody really know’s me, nobody sees.  But when I create, they see.

If only people can see what I see, know what I know….

I don’t want to stop writing, but it’s about that time.  If I don’t stop, it will turn into another “I’m Teething” post.  All egoistic, not mindful.

Damn, I want to keep writing….

I’m making a lot of money lately.  That’s egoistic.  It’s not stopping either.  It just keeps coming and coming.  Like one of my nose bleeds as a kid.  It keeps pouring out.  You want to stop and take a break, but it keeps coming out.

Tonight, as I grabbed a beer from the bar and made my way back to my friends on the dance floor, I had to lift my chin up to avoid random shoulders jutting up making contact with my jaw.  I listened to the DJ playing dance music, everyone being so random.

When you listen to a band play, everyone’s facing the same way – everyone has the same purpose.  When a DJ spins a record, it’s all random.  Sex and animal instincts take over.  Everyone facing this way and that.

I went to a film festival tonight at Yale.  The showing was “Habemus Papam” translated to English, “We Have a Pope.”  It’s an Italian movie about a fictitious Pope abdicating his throne.  It was such a well made movie.  It struck a few chords in me.  He didn’t have faith or belief enough in himself to trust God.  He wasn’t self-actualized, not being certain of what he wanted.  It showcased deep truths about our fallible human nature.

All Guru’s are fake.  Anything written about sacred wisdom is fake.

Anyone can learn anything and be capable of regurgitating and believing whatever they learn.  But to have actual knowledge is completely different.  Knowledge can’t be found in a book or in a person.  To have actual knowledge is a whole brain process.  It’s called wisdom, and in the sci-fi book, Stranger from A Strange Land, it’s called Grokking.

To Grok something is to not only understand it, but to familiarize.  To see your reflection in it.  People can’t tell you anything, you have to figure things out on your own.  It’s the only way to understand anything.  Everyone’s just too lazy or too busy to put themselves anywhere they haven’t already been.

I need to sleep.  I booked myself a 10am tomorrow.  A quick $100 bucks.   Then two more to follow suit.  People want in.  There’s very little time for anything else.

Just under 2,00o words.  Sorry guys, it’s hard to hold back.  Especially when shit faced.

 

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Sacrificing myself for the greater good? Yeah sure, why not?

I’m having a bad case of the mean reds.  Mean reds are when you’re scared.  Sometimes I don’t know why I’m scared, but tonight I know why.  My heart is palpitating because it know’s why.

I had a draining day.  I confronted a Melanie Hater (I don’t like using that term anymore, but that’s how you know them by) earlier for brunch.  We talked about everything.  I knew that the waterworks were going to hit me sooner or later, so I surrendered myself to it.  I openly weeped while sitting in a booth in Grace’s diner.  I tried not making a scene, but it needed to come out.

She told me that I was not welcomed to go on vacation with them to Maine.  She didn’t feel comfortable with me being there.  She kept trying to cycle back to everything that I did, or said – taking the blame off of herself and being unable to empathize with how much she hurt me.  She’s not able to see it.  Like she’s not strong enough or doesn’t know herself enough to know others.  Compassion starts with the self.

She lacks the ability to see herself in others.

I saw everything that was happening and understood it.  I was being open and honest, baring everything, not hiding myself, not getting angry.  I used nothing but compassion and love.  Compassion and love.  I took everything I learned over this past year and used it to strengthen my faith, my courage and my love.  I used my knowledge to try and describe what it feels like to just lift the veil up over your eyes and to live a life of compassion, empathy and forgiveness.

She can’t do it.

“I feel like there’s a block in you.  Like you’re just not able to empathize with me.  I feel like the block is from something inside you that’s stopping it from happening.  Like you don’t have enough love for yourself or self-confidence.  You don’t see other people, you only see yourself and what you’re thinking.”

I wasn’t saying this to be harsh in any way.  I said it because I care about her and I wanted her to see the awesome person that she is.  If she opens up her channel of self-actualization, the love and confidence will follow and with it would come the ability to forgive others.  She’d be able to forgive others because she can accept and forgive herself.

She’s just not there yet.  She’s not there yet and I’ll continue to go through the ringer, but I choose it.  I choose to do it and in all actuality, it’s worth it to me.  It’s worth it to me because she’s my friend.  She’s my friend, so of course it’s worth it.

I told her that I’m sorry for everything I’ve done.  I told her that I loved her.  And then she told me one last time that I wasn’t welcomed to go to Maine with her before getting up and leaving me sitting there with my bitter sweet coffee of tears.

Except I had no more tears at that point.  I sat there nodding my head.  I was tapped out for the day.

But afterwards, I felt truly wonderful.  Completely head over heals in love with myself.  I felt like a rock, like an unshakable rock of truth and love.  And I knew at that moment that it’s in these moments that define my purpose.  I’m a giver, a healer, but I’m also the sign on your back that says “please kick me.”

I kick you awake beeyoch.

No, just kidding….

I can’t make anyone see what I see.  I can’t make them see what they’re not ready to see.

Losing the ego is the death of self – it’s completely terrifying.  Not only are you suffering loss, but also embarking on the unknown.  It’s an experience that must be felt, not told.  And the best way to help a person understand is only through love and compassion.  All I can do is give my love and compassion.  I can’t tell people anything, only show and give.  I baptize them with my own tears.  I embody the loving energy of Christ.  The same Christ that people intellectually know about, but feel too weak to embody forgiveness in themselves.

I’m there!

That monk really did do something to my brain.  Am I sure I really want this?  It’s a lonely path after all.  It’s lonely when being defenseless and laying my heart on the line.  I can feel it in my chest.  Pumping beneath my sternum – virtually unprotected.  But I can’t deny the strength I get from it.  It’s iridescent.

Today I hiked, cleaned my room, finished a painting and watched Lost.  I watched the episode where Julia dies by falling down a shaft and smashing the nuclear bomb with a rock.  I cried.  Then I watched a foreign documentary about a druggy prostitute called Loving Sophie.  I cried.  Then I tried watching a documentary about dying and grief – why did I do that?  I emptied myself out before shutting the movie off.

It got me thinking about how important it is to have supportive friends and family in times of crisis.  I thought about the Camino and I hate to say it but, what if something happens to me out there?  I’m not strong enough to do it on my own.  I need all the prayers I can get.  I need to know that people will be here for me when I get back.  That’s why going to Maine was so important to me.  To feel like I have something to come home to.  It’s unbearably scary knowing that I have nothing to come back to.

Hence the reason for the Mean Reds.

I’m so tired.  That rock tumbler is something else I tell ya.  Okay, I’m going to step out of the big almighty tumbler for the time being and look at it for what it really is.  It’s shaping me, evolving me and strengthening me.  I have to let it do what it does.  I asked for this.  There is nobody to blame but myself.

Unconditional surrender to the process requires unconditional love for others.

I will never forget this, never revert back to the old Melanie.  All thanks to you.  My memory bank blog.  My tender silent comrade.

This stuff is real, and if you pay enough attention to it, it might save your life some day.  Or somebody else’s.  Ah hell, it may save all of goddamned humanity.

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It’s 3AM and yeah….I’m blogging.

It’s 3am on a Saturday night, or Sunday morning depending on if you’re just going to bed or waking up.

I ain’t gonna lie, I was out drinking.  I’ve been out drinking a lot lately.  Ever since I found out that I’m not invited to Maine with the people I’ve known for the greater portion of my life, I’ve been out drinking everyday.

Okay so here’s the thing….

As long as I know that it’s not me being the asshole, I can live with myself.  That’s why I painted that picture in my last post.  Just in case it IS me being the asshole, the one who’s hurting people.  I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that it’s me doing harm to people.

One of the people I’ve been hanging out with this past week is a girl whom I was practically in love with 12 years ago.  I’ve never been so enamored with a girl and that’s the truth.  We had an awesome friendship until things got weird and she completely dropped me which left me completely devastated.  There was no fight, no explanation, no goodbye.  Little 22 year old me became heartbroken and prone to panic attacks.  I couldn’t understand it.  It’s the not knowing part that killed me.

Now she has two kids, no husband, she’s getting obese, does drugs, has no job, no money and has a gimp leg.  The feelings I had 12 years ago when we were young and fresh, thinking that she’s awesome and perfect in every way – all that dropped away.  All that’s left is reality.  There’s no need for explanations anymore.  It doesn’t matter and really it never should have mattered. 

And tonight I hung out with Matt.  The guy who ditched me after I got back from Colombia.  It was our first time seeing each other again.  He’s a lot of fun and he know’s he messed up, but hanging out with him made me want to contact Kristie – the girl who cast me aside because I’m friends with Dave.

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In all honesty, I don’t really care.  I can no longer be hurt simply because her choices have nothing to do with me.

And her boyfriend is totally gay, I mean literally, the dude likes dudes…..

And tonight when I was hanging out with Matt, I ran into an old flame of mine.

When I was in my mid-twenties, I was confronted with two very awesome young men whom I fell for and both of them broke my heart (which never happens).  I spiraled and never actually recovered from that first hit.  It hit me late in life (after adolescence), so that may be why.  But anyway, this guy that used me like a puffs plus was at the bar tonight being all friendly and smiley with me.

And I didn’t care.  I didn’t care that he was hitting on me.  I didn’t care that he wanted attention, I couldn’t make myself give a shit.  I was nice to him the same way I’m nice to all old friends I run into.

So….

Three people that I once cared about.  Kristi, The girl from 12 years ago, and the douche at the bar tonight, all of them – I don’t care anymore.

And you know why I don’t care?

Because people are nuts.  That’s why I don’t care.  As long as I know that it’s not me being crazy, I’m happy.  My true essence of awesomeness has no obstructions in the way.  It’s just me in all my happy splendor whether you want to join me or not.  I don’t care and I don’t need explanations.

Tomorrow I’m going to confront a Melanie Hater.  She’s the girl I painted the picture for just in case it really was me being the asshole.

That’s the thing that’s important here.  As long as I do what’s right, all else doesn’t matter.  I have to let go of finding out the reason for things.  It’s not important and in time, it won’t matter anyway.

I can’t get angry, hurt, or feel powerless.  As long as I do what’s right, I know I’ll always be okay.  Just because the world is insane, doesn’t mean I have to be insane along with it.

I totally immersed myself in the big illustrious rock tumbler.  Getting tossed around like a rag doll with her stuffing falling out and her button eye missing.

Why don’t people realize how much they hurt others?  I feel like I keep throwing myself in it just to show people what they do.  How what they do doesn’t make any sense.  I’m the one who gets hurt, but I keep doing it anyway.  I keep doing it until I stop caring.  Until all my abrasive edges are rubbed clean off.

And that’s just the thing, I haven’t stopped caring about this one particular Melanie Hater.  I just need to know why.  I can’t let go.  I know I’m supposed to let go, but I can’t.  Not until I’m certain that it’s not me with the problem.  I just have to do what’s right and doing what’s right always involves putting my heart on the line.  That’s how people get me, it’s like I ask for it.  Amy used to say that I like pain.  She said I liked pain because I liked hanging out with her.

People are nuts.  I need to stop caring and instead just focus on causing no harm and doing what’s right.  And if nothing works out, at least I’ll know that it wasn’t me.  I can move on with no anger or guilt in my heart.  And explanations won’t matter at that point because their choices and reasons are of their own making and have nothing to do with me.

I can’t please everyone.  I can’t live up to expectations.  I disappoint people.  But who I am is who I am.  I can’t allow rejection to hurt me.  I only hurt myself when I hurt others.  I’m not going to allow myself to turn into them.  I’m better than that.

People who hold grudges are crazy.  Jealous people are crazy.  Anger and hate are both crazy.  Obsessing over finding explanations is crazy.

I’ll never know why.

I’m about to embark on a journey that very well may change my life forever.  It scares the pants off of me.  It would be nice knowing that I have a support group in spirit walking beside me.  It’s like losing a parent, or getting diagnosed with a terminal illness – you need support from others to go on and face your fears.

That’s why life is too short to hold grudges.  That’s why compassion is a HUGE part of my life.  I see the pain and loss in others – I want to be there!  Knowing that I’m one of the only few to see this is a lonely job.  It’s a lonely existence.  Nobody understands and that’s the kind of pain I have to live with.  But it will polish me, and I refuse to become like everyone else.

I will always strive to be better – always.

I’m going to hold off on publishing this post.  I’m tired and cranky.  Best wait till the light of day.

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Melanie’s great epiphany part one: The illustrious rock tumbler of human existence

I had a very big break thru while playing in a poker tournament Sunday.  It was one of my greatest epiphany’s of all time (besides my awakening with ayahuasca).  It has to do with duality, going deeper into your fears, belief, faith, courage and trust.

The framework needed to be able to deeply feel this epiphany on a profound level is to have absolute belief in the existence of a spirit realm and to know that us human beings create the reality we see around us.  That we all possess Godly knowledge and power.  Understanding this fundamental truth is the basic principal into awakening.  Knowing that this world is an illusion built upon karma, ego and duality – all necessary to further our evolutionary process.

Our collective consciousness is the medium in which we all paint.

But in order for us to process this understanding, we must take the leap of faith and separate ourselves from the ego bound nature of physical reality.

What people do to each other is insane.  The further you are from compassion and non-judgement, the more insane you become.  This is what evil is.  And it’s this rub that shapes us.  By adopting consciously aware and mindful choices, you choose the path of stepping away from circumstances that are out of your control.  You evolve into a more blessed being – a wise guide that contributes to our one collective soul body.

This is where duality comes into play.  The friction between the spiritual and the physical.  The light from the dark.  Very few people are even aware they have continuous access to the light.

I dubbed the dark ego-bound emotional reality as being the big almighty rock tumbler.  We are thrown into this big vat of abrasive cohorts to shape and polish us.  Both sides fighting for what they believe is right.  But what they fail to realize is that fighting is fighting regardless of the cause.  In the dark and almighty rock tumbler, all that exists are perceptions, not truths.  No one can see the light in front of them while being shrouded in darkness and tumbling in the emotional upheaval of insanity.  Grasping at whomever is near for stability and reason.

If you’re awake, you can choose to step out of the rock tumbler and see it for what it really is, a learning playground.  And when you throw yourself back into it, getting your knee’s scraped up and suffering a bit, you actually feel better and stronger because of it.  But you have to remain aware while you’re in there.  Aware of the insanity and aware that all negative abrasive emotions are just insanity battling against even more insanity.

Staying aware is difficult because the gravity of others beliefs can suck you in.  People normally take the side of the person they have more contact with simply because they get sucked in and stop seeing alternate perspectives.  They are not aware and not in control (although they think they are).  This is why children become the byproduct of their environment and of their parents fears.  Until they break free and see the outside world on their own, they will fall victim to their circumstances and narrow perspectives.  You become your environment and you want to protect those same circumstances that shaped your beliefs albeit whether they are wrong or right.  They are you and you must defend yourself.

If you’re an awake individual, you become the polished gem inside the tumbler.  One who uses compassion over abrasiveness, understanding over judgement and blame.  You are humble enough to not have to protect yourself from attack.  Stubbornness doesn’t exist in you, only understanding.  Understanding of the process itself and seeing people’s inability to see the light.  And having compassion for those who don’t see it and instead continue to suffer.  You suffer along with them until you step out of the tumbler and dust yourself off.  Feeling even more glorious than ever.

Very much like the feeling after having accomplished a long harrowing pilgrimage.

When you’re standing on the outside looking in, you can see the arial view of reality.  You see the components, the insanity, the progression.  If everyone were to lay down their arms, there would be no more progress.  No evolution would take place.  If we were all to stop fighting, hold hands and sing a church hymn – lose our ego, lose our duality, become one with nature and each other.  If we were to do all that, reach nirvana, then a vital step in our evolutionary process would be missing.

It has to do with free will and conscious choice.  We are individuals and because we are individuals, we must integrate our ego with the spirit in order to keep in tact the option of free will.  We will lose our awareness if we’re not able to hold steady our individuality.  We can not become powerful conscious creators if we lose our self-awareness.  The rock tumbler is the process into gaining self-awareness, strength and courage.

The stronger you become, the less of the world you will fear.  And without fear, you step into the portal of unwavering faith in yourself and God.  You are consciously aware of the choices you make because of your integration with ego and spirit.  We are no longer puppets, but the puppeteers.  We become our adult higher selves instead of the slaves of fear.  This is walking the path of greatness.  And in walking this path, we consciously create our reality in our wake.

I still need to talk about duality, faith, going deeper into your fears and courage but I don’t want to make this post too long.  This post is just a primer.  My epiphany was so large making it super hard to explain.  I felt it and then intuited the knowledge of how and why I was feeling it.  There’s so many layers and parts to it.

I need to write it all down so I can incorporate it into memory.  Honestly, I don’t know how it’s possible for people to not want to write.  How will they remember things?  How will they ever get better?

I had this post in my draft folder for days.  I’ve been busy with other things.  I threw myself back into the rock tumbler and tried being friends again with one of the Melanie Haters.  The one who planned a vacation with my bff and purposely left me out of it.

It hurts being in the tumbler, I get scuffed up in the process – but I jumped back in using compassion as my guide instead of my defensiveness and trying to understand why.  I will never understand why and not knowing the answer is all part of the tumbler.  A part that bruises and scrapes against my ribcage aiming for my heart – both my greatest weakness and my greatest strength.  It hits in waves and I let it do what it does until the tears come I say, “Okay enough,” and it subsides, slipping back into the tumbling chaos without me to follow suit.

I am out looking in and saying to myself, “Holy crap what a ride.”

I love the fact that I can feel so deeply.  I love that I have a choice in letting myself feel it.  It will only make me better – it has made me better.  Ayahuasca told me that I’m special and I have gifts.  Perhaps having such a big heart is one gift that is absent in others.  I want to cry because I love this person I am.  I see my ego self and I love her – I love that she feels so much.

I painted a picture for the Melanie Hater as a peace offering.  I couldn’t think of anything else I could get her.  Flowers, chocolate, bath soaps are all lame and so I painted a picture of us during happier times.  When we were dressed up as Goldie Locks and the Three Bears on Halloween.

watercolor portrait

This is the product of 7 adult ed watercolor classes.

I was terrified of seeing her again.  Afraid of hearing lies, being judged and blamed, looked down upon.  These are all abrasives that left a scar.  It can only be smoothed away with compassion and that compassion is what polishes me into a gem.  Buffing out all my scuffed abrasive scars in the process.

So yeah, I’m fucking awesome….

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Learning is Believing and Seeing is Creating

I only have one more watercolor class left until it’s all over.  I love this class –  I really love it.  I love the ladies, the instructor, and the woman sitting next to me who can’t handle criticism.  I can see myself in all of them.

People become vulnerable when learning or doing something new, and if you look close enough, you can see your own reflection in their fears and weaknesses.

I’m only able to see myself with the help of others.  It’s like I see myself in them and understand that if I don’t like what I see, I can change it in myself.  I can change it because I know myself.

My mother was the first person whom I learned this from.  I was only a kid, maybe 6 or 7.  I learned that she was unable to see the person she became.  I kept thinking over and over, “If only she can hear herself.  If only she can see herself…..”

I became enamored with our old Sony camcorder bought in 1988.  I was 8 years old lugging that big thing on my thin bony shoulder.  I wanted to capture the true nature of people – the parts they miss out seeing while being in their first person perspective.  I became the one responsible for recording video at all family functions.  My high-pitched squeak voice narrated.  I was rarely seen in our home video’s, only heard.

Creating yourself is about seeing yourself, whether you like what you see or not.

That’s why I believe art to be self-actualized.

I’ve always been somewhat good at artsy things.  I don’t consider it being a natural talent – there’s no such thing as natural talent.  Natural talent can’t be explained, but the way we learn can be explained.  It’s not only about how we learn that brings about talent, but also the passion we have for our endeavors mixed with the belief in knowing that we’re good enough.  No limits.

However, ayahuasca told me that I do possess unique talents.  Perhaps she was talking about my ability to understand how to create.  Patience and a steady hand, but the most important thing being:  Don’t take it seriously!

I hate to bring up ego again but, seriousness breeds itself in the ego.  It’s judgment of yourself and of others.  It’s void of trusting and believing in yourself – it’s your fears incarnate.

It’s only when you let go of being serious, you are able to play and have fun.

All the ladies in the class are taking watercolor too seriously.  They’re afraid of every brush stroke, while I’m sitting there cross-legged on my chair, thumbs in the thumbholes of my hoodie, daintily daunting the paper with the tip of my brush and thinking – “whatever happens, happens.  I’m having fun!”

This is the part of my personality that can be annoying.  My ability to just not give a shit, and at the same time, showcase talent.  Why can’t people put these two together?!

Relinquish your need to control.  You will never be able to control your fears.  Let it go.

Everything will be okay in time.  In time, I will get good.  Also, when you let your ego govern you, you’re not learning anything.  All you see are mistakes and frustration – that’s not playing and when you’re not playing, you’re not learning.

Anyway, my big trip is approaching.  Peyote in Arizona and then hiking 500 miles in Spain.  All I want to do is sit on the toilet to stop myself from shitting my pants.  I’m not a traveler – I don’t do things like this.  Especially not alone or without a guide.  I’m 33 years old and I still live downstairs from my parents!

They don’t know I’m going by myself.  And I assure you, I am NOT smart.  But stupid people have the best adventures, right?

On top of all that, my stupid-ass managed to get uninvited to go on vacation with my old friends – the same friends I grew up with thinking that they were the only friends I would ever need.  I was uninvited as quickly as I was invited.  Why?  Because I wanted to make sure they actually wanted me to go.  And as it turns out, they don’t.

My heart feels the physical pangs of hurt (even though I didn’t think that was possible anymore), isolation and fear.  Unwillingness to believe it’s possible to be abandoned all over again – how can it be?  What did I do?  I have to accept it.  I have to deal with it.  But shit, it hurts.

But I also feel courage.  I have courage and faith.  And I know for certain that there’s nothing more important to me right now than going on this trip.  This is my life – this is exactly what I want to do with my life.

I flipped thru my journal from Colombia earlier today.  I wrote while I was toked up on ayahuasca and another time with yopo.  Why not share some pages with you?  Hell, you know everything else there is to know about me….20130403-020703.jpg20130403-020621.jpg

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Huh I just re-read a paragraph and it makes me think once again that everyone here living on this planet are here because they are fearful.  EVERYONE!  The only way out of it is faith.  To have faith, suffering to attain that faith, and become strong and light.  My faith is still shakeable, but I’m getting there.  Compassion Melanie.  Must remember compassion, being humble and open.  This world is fantasy.  Believe.

I am a light spirit.  No no scratch that.  I am thee light spirit.

Okay, being thee light spirit isn’t humble, but I’m playing in my ego which is totally okay so long as I know it’s just a delusion.

I know I sound crazy but I’ve been reading other spiritual teachers and let me just tell you hole-lee-shit it’s everywhere.  It ain’t just me.  And the SAME insights no less!

It’s profound.  Completely profound.  My heart thumps in awe after having crawled out of its slimy container of grief.  I really am beautiful.  We all are.

So hang in there old girl, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

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Have a Ball kicking Easter Everybody!

It’s Easter and I’m downstairs in my room watching episodes of Lost on Netflix.  Earlier, me and my Pop’s drank a full bottle of wine and talked about life, about everything really.

My brother got in a fight with his 14 year old daughter at the dinner table.  It was insanity.  My OCD cousin who never leaves his bed for anything, was going to eat with us today, but stayed in his room after hearing the shouts.

Everyone’s crazy.  And now here I am still tipsy on wine, watching a TV series that I’ve seen twice before.  I didn’t eat much because of the high stress.  I’m incapable of eating under stressful conditions – there’s just no way.  I’m happy for that.  I’ll always be a skinny bitch.

I love both my brother and my niece.  I understand everything that’s happening between them.

I was not emotionally involved in the situation, I didn’t tremble with fear as I watched my niece kick her father in the balls.  No, instead I grabbed her by the shoulders to calm her down.  But I was still affected.  Even when I’m above this kind of nonsense, I’m still affected by it.  I tried to understand why that is, as I stared at my heaping plate of uneaten ham.

It’s the energy that effects me.  The negativity.  I feel everything and I can’t escape it.

They are both trapped in trying to control each other, not letting their hearts open, not being honest with one another.  All I can do is watch it play out.  They don’t want anyone’s help.

So, me and my Pops got drunk on wine while my brother stormed out and Alexis hid downstairs.  It’s all so childish.  They are not adults, neither of them.  But hey, I still love them.  I don’t raise my voice or get angry.  All I can do is plant the seeds of forgiveness.

I can see them suffering over nothing and it breaks my heart.  It’s all self-inflicted.

My bro is starting to see me for advice.  And the shit I tell him, man – o – man, it’s gold I tell you, GOLD!  You have to live through this crap in order to understand it.

I feel sorry for my niece.  I don’t want her to feel ganged up on.  That’s the worst.  She will become what everyone thinks she is.

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