Category Archives: Self help

The Truth About Honesty

Lies

Lies (Photo credit: Gerard Stolk (vers l’Ascension ))

Hi I’m Melanie and I’m walking the path of awakening.  It ain’t easy.  It involves confronting my truest intensions and facing my deepest fears.  This is a process that I have to stay diligently aware of.  This can be done by reflecting on my actions.

When you embrace your dark side, you accept yourself AS IS.  To know your dark side, it transforms itself into light.  Love, acceptance and compassion for yourself arrises.  Any negative thoughts left-over should be processed and accepted – not fought.  The ego merges with the soul and it’s all done through self-compassion.

Layers of understanding start to unfold.  You can find the answers inside because you are part of the infinite.  When you’re ready for a new layer, it will be shown to you.  You feel a shift in perception and in seeing truth.  It may not always be the truth you were hoping for, but a truth that sets you free.  Know your hopes, and you know your fears.

Empty your beliefs to see truth – no one can tell you what’s true.  You have to get there on your own.  Memorizing the advice of Guru’s is not the way.

If you are unhappy with your life, you become stagnant.  Your soul becomes shrouded in a hard-shelled rigor mortis box.  Debris collects on your superficial surface to try and mask whats inside.  Your fears hold you back and your comfort zone becomes a crypt.

I feel at this time in my progression, the small negative thoughts are barely noticeable.  But I still have fear.  I fear my own limitations as a functioning adult.  I don’t have enough experience with being an adult, and so I fear it.  My fear holds me in my comfort zone of security. Tethering myself to video games, beer and my parents.

A new layer into my awakening is just around the corner.  I feel that the only way to break free from my parents is to be honest with them.  Any form of lying is in truth, a hidden fear in the liar.  The liar can not let go (or confront) something, and so must lie in order to protect it.  I’m protecting my comfort zone of being a non-adult.

I lie to myself by saying “it would kill them if they knew the truth.  It would hurt them…etc.”  It would hurt them because they also need to let go.  Letting go feels like dying.  Like a part of you is breaking off – a shard from your soul becomes tethered to another.  You can see where you’re tethered if you’re able to see your lies.

The lie protects the person lying, not the one being lied to.  There is no progress in lies, only anger, confusion and darkness.  When you’re working out negative thoughts, I’m certain there is a lie being told to yourself that you’re not seeing.  But guess what?  It doesn’t matter!  Once you see the lie, you come to find out that Holy Crap no, it truly does not matter.  It can then be released into the ether.

I can say with forthright conviction that everything I write here in my blog is the authentic truth of a girl piecing the pie together.  I lie to my parents, and I know it’s wrong in many ways, but I’m not there yet – but I’m close!  I get closer and closer to telling them the full truth and they are getting closer and closer to accepting it.  My mother today told me that she feels herself accepting my freedom to own my own life.  It has to happen at her own pace, and I keep pushing her forward.

My parents know everything I’m doing in Spain except for the fact I’m doing it alone.  They also don’t know about the peyote ceremony.  They’re just not ready, and neither am I.

How odd it is to see all this happening.  My awakening is my therapist.  It’s different for everyone, but this is my personal journey with it.  The familiarity of these insights are all congruent with others walking the path.

Everyone’s running from something.  This world is shaped by fear, people are fundamentally shaped by fear.  I want to embrace it (within reason).  I want to confront it.

Every emotion we have, every thought we make, is a choice.  I choose my suffering – I don’t hide from it.  I’m not running anymore.  And from where I’m standing, my strength outweighs my fear and my love for myself makes me shine through any heartache.

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Activating People into Awareness

I woke up today feeling absolutely amazing – I mean happy, not healthy.  I’m still under the weather.  But I keep having awesome dreams about prosperity.

Last night before lights out, I was watching a documentary about mammals.  It was profound.  Just the way us mammals evolve.  Predators evolve to out-smart / out-run their prey, and their prey evolves to out-smart / out-run their predator.  It’s the great almighty rock tumbler that shapes us into our higher, stronger selves.

During mating season, all the males coral into the center of the flock, marking their territory, holding their ground, while the females peruse which males they like best.  While all the weaker males on the fringes get attacked by predators.  The process both weeds out the weak, but also has the opportunity to strengthen them.  It’s perfect harmony – all harmonizing to the beat of evolution.

Evolution never ceases to amaze me!

I feel that we are at a new stage in our evolution.  A kind of evolution that isn’t based on environment or global changes.  It’s an evolution in consciousness – we are so aware of ourselves, aware of how the environment and circumstances can shape us – so aware of the process that we are able to leap out of it for the first time in history.

There are no “bad guys.”  People who attack others are the ones still living in that animal kingdom of survival.  They’re a necessary evil for evolution.  But now things are shifting.  Compassion is weighing more than revenge.  Justice is prevailing over hatred and apathy.

Lose all hate and gain awareness.  That’s all there is to it.  If you choose to join in the action, it’s like going back into the game.  Playing a game that best suits you until you gain that next evolutionary leap – but the game itself does not matter.  It doesn’t matter if you win or lose – it’s a means to an end.  Anything in-between is all a delusion of ego.

The world we live in is a direct construct of what’s in our conscious minds.  If we all gain awareness, there will be peace – but are we ready for that?

It’s so easy to talk like this now that I made peace with the Melanie Haters (don’t like that term anymore).  I’m not a contradiction to anything I write.  It’s true freedom and true forgiveness.  It’s all so simple – really simple!  How can people not see it?  If the Haters are not at peace, it’s all within themselves and has nothing to do with me.   I am outside looking in – no longer in it – no longer affected.

I’ll tell you why they can’t see it.  It’s hard to put it in words because it’s still so young in my guts – in my feelings.

We can’t escape one an others realities.  We get sucked in.  It’s because of the conscious energy that shapes our world – we shape it unknowingly.  And on a smaller scale, we shape each other unknowingly.  Just with our thoughts!  Our judgements, beliefs, accusations – it becomes REAL.

That’s why it’s so important not to judge / blame people – we feed into that hatred or war.  Everyone’s at their own level of progression – you must respect their progress (this was a heavy insight told to me by ayahuasca).

Guru’s will tell you this stuff and everyone’s like, “yeah yeah we know….”, but to actually understand and see it!  People can’t understand it yet.  They’re still caught in the game, the delusion.  Caught in that mass conscious energy that they’re not aware of.

Sheeeit yo….

Anyway, when I was in my early 20’s, I became aware of how other people’s energies effected my own.  If they saw something in me (can not be put into words, but felt), I felt what they saw  – I truly felt it.  If they thought I was cute, my cuteness would shine.  If they thought I was funny, I became a laugh riot.  I became what people believed about me.

I turned this over and over in my head.

“How can I still be that person without the help of others to see it in me first?  What if they start seeing something bad that isn’t true?”

It’s about strength, belief and self-actualization.

People inevitably activate certain characteristics in others.  Everyone’s multi-faceted, highly complicated personalities having depth and emotion.  If you’re around someone goofy, and if they also see the goofiness in you – you will in turn act goofy.  Even if you’re depressed as shit, it won’t matter.  It won’t matter because someone saw something in you that wasn’t depression – it was fun and laughter.

You become who you hang out with.

I learned this at a young age – possibly in high school.  And when I turned 21, I realized I could easily use this insight to manipulate people however I wanted.  I actually had this discussion with that girl I was in love with when I was 21 and she said to me, “That’s not you.  You don’t want to use people.”

And her words to this day, put that question out of my head.  No, of course that’s not me.

How simple life is when you know who you are.

How simple life is once you learn the formula’s.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that everyone has the capacity to activate beliefs in others.  If you see something in a person, just by you seeing it (it doesn’t need to be verbal or communicated in any way), your conscious energy is a trigger that pulls on their hidden facet.  And the more people you have believing in you, the easier it is to be shaped by that belief and make it stick.  It can make you feel powerful, or can make you feel weak.

Just remember that strength is beauty in both the animal kingdom and in the spiritual kingdom.  If you’re going to evolve, do it right – be brilliant at it!

Goddamn I feel wonderful today.  Super sick, but super happy.  I feel the potential in me swelling up and expanding my ribcage.  There’s not enough of me to go around, and I can’t be contained any longer.  I feel large and inside I feel rock solid.  I want to share myself with others.

This is all part of my solitude cycle.  I always do this.  I figure shit out by being alone with myself and as I do this, it’s like revving up my engine.  Maybe at first I need to repair my engine, but then once I get her started, the old girl rev’s and heats up and bucks around like a wild horse on a lasso.

My thoughts keep me tethered.  And when my thoughts aren’t tethering me, my body is.  There’s not enough of me for everyone everyday.  There’s not enough of me for ME.

I get worn out so easily it seems.  People wear me out because they are like friction – not compatible with myself.  They are the velcro that sticks to me when all I want is for them to be on the same side of fury.  Fury, not hookie.

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Random thoughts about the Camino

Señal del Camino

Señal del Camino (Photo credit: gabsiq)

I’m in work waiting for my client to show.  She’s my pretend sister, my brothers fiancé.

I’m still sick.  All I want to do is go home and put my pajama’s back on.  I feel a type of exhaustion I only felt one other time while I was suffering from altitude sickness when hiking up the goddamned Himalayas.  Unable to move or function.  It’s stress induced, I know it.

And when I am home, I feel bored.  I never get bored!  I’m bored because I’m too exhausted to do anything.  It’s frustrating.  And so I mess around with iMovie and make YouTube video’s like an asshole.

Experiencing boredom makes me understand people better.  They push themselves everyday just to escape this kind of boredom – escape the meaningless of it.  Nobody wants to be alone with themselves.

Time is approaching for the Camino launch.  It really is a big deal.  Not to anyone else, but for me it’s huge.

People go on the Camino expecting to find miracles, insights, to find God, secret cults….etc.  They think it’s some prolific journey and are let down when all they’re up against is walking on blisters.  They can’t find the spirituality they seek.

People need to realize that spirituality happens when you’re alone with yourself.  And just like it is with boredom, it can scare the shit out of anyone.  Make them itch off their skin.  Wanting to get out.

This is the world I live in – the world of reflection.  I’m at ground zero in fighting my own bullshit.  I crave solitude and being alone as a way to find faith in myself, a way to find my ground.  However, with such a big journey approaching, I’m feeling that I need others support more than my own courage.  It’s like reaching for a life raft before sinking into my fears.

I’m not brave enough on my own.

This is why I’m sick.  This is why I felt boredom for the first time in years.  Right now I need to be around people, but unfortunately I’m stuck in bed.  I stretched myself out too thin over the past few weeks and it all caught up.

Now I’m stretching myself out on my bed with my laptop on my crotch.  It’s 9:10 pm.  I downloaded three audiobooks for the Camino.

Ellen DeGeneres – Seriously….I’m Kidding

Tina Fey – BossyPants

Mindy Kaling – Is everyone hanging out without me?

They are all safely stored on my iPhone awaiting day one of the Camino.  In all honesty, I’m looking forward more towards listening to those books than I am to the actual walking part.

I’m having second thoughts about this whole thing.  No no, wait, am I?

I can’t stop sneezing.  My coughs are coming from the bowels of my spleen.  The spleen is a dark slimy green, loud, mucus organ.

Omg I need nightquil.  I have a tear rolling down my salty hot cheek.

Why am I doing the Camino anyway?  I already went through all that spiritual crap, I get it.  Let go, go with the flow, hold no negativity, be compassionate, all suffering is self inflicted.  Yep, got it.  I don’t need to walk across Spain to gain understanding!

My laptop is getting all germy with my hot sweaty hands all over it.

I’m walking it for pride, for ego.  So I can someday look back on it and say “Hell yeah I fucking did that.”  There is no other purpose other than that.

That seems to be the reason why I do everything.  Or is it?  Do I really care about seeing the world and what’s out there?  Or is it all just an attempt at filling that empty space in me that yearns and yearns?  Am I yearning for a proud moment?  Is there meaning in pride?

This is how the camino humbles people.  They see themselves as the horse asses they are.  Possibly once they transcend their arrogance, transcend hiding their weaknesses or lying to themselves, that’s when they reach their ground zero – the true person they really are.  And no, there’s no meaning in pride – it’s only yet another illusion of ego.

You have to stand directly in the light in order to see your own dark shadows.  The camino physically puts you there in that light whether you want it to or not.  That’s the spiritual part of it.  When your physical body gets pushed, so does your soul.

It’s all about thinking, getting yourself good and humbled and asking yourself while looking down that endless road, “is this really all there is?”

Yeah buddy, that’s everything.

You are it!  The zen is already in you.  Which brings me back to the beginning, why oh why the hell am I doing this?

Most people choose to walk alone because they haven’t reached an understanding in themselves.  They need to think more on it.  Think about what?  The why, that’s what.

“Why, why why?”

Me – “Cause it just is man.  Let it go.”

I let everything go.  I let everything go and now I want to walk and leave it all behind.  I want to vanquish even more shit hidden in me.  I want to be both the water and the rock.  Unable to ever be hurt again, but soft enough to embrace change.  My soul is the rock, my physical self and mind are like water.

I want to get there – the foundation, the answer.

In moments such as this, when I find peace – I feel I have it, but then as soon as I’m around people, it gets ripped from me.

Ayahuasca told me I need to be strong for others – maybe this is what she meant.

I need to sleep.

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I’m a damned writing fool is what I am

Hi I’m Melanie and I’m a time traveler.  I’m from the year 2068 and I’m 88 years old. I traveled back in time to accomplish everything that I was too scared to do when I had the chance.  The only problem is, I forgot all my memories of the future.  I’m living today as if my older self never existed.  I have a clean slate, a new beginning.

So here I am at 33 years old.  Perfect health, perfect teeth.  Not a single responsibility except for owning a small business where I set my own hours.  I have $8,000 in the bank and a steady flow of continuous income.

I landed myself at a good time in my lifeline.  A time where I can literally do anything, learn anything.  BE anyone!

Yesterday I got home from work at around 5.  I needed to finish planning the last two weeks of Spain where I’ll be traveling from Santiago, Madrid, Barcelona and then to Pamplona for the running of the bulls.  I had to book my hostels in advance so to avoid getting stuck anywhere paying out the nose (learned from a client).  I mapped out walking directions to the airport, walking directions from Hostel to Hostel, I purchased a plane ticket to take me from Santiago to Madrid.

I’m still not done planning yet.  It’s the directions that I want to be sure of.  I’m going to try and avoid taxi’s and public transit so long as I can help it.  It’s cheaper to walk, plus I get to see more scenery.  I immerse myself in my surroundings when I walk.  However, I no doubt will have to learn the bus or subway system while I’m there if by any chance there’s a “must see” museum far off.

This type of planning is the hard part.  Pilgrimages are easier.  They’re linear and you walk in a straight line from town to town.  Very little planning is necessary because everything you need to know and see is all right there.

My clients are starting to say, “I’ll see you when you get back!”  Instead of saying, “What do you have open 4 weeks from now?”

To me it still feels like it’s so far off in the future.  But it’s not.  Today is April 19 and I leave for Arizona May 8.  That’s in how many days?  27.  27 more days.  27 days until I’m in the desert eating peyote buttons and searching for my spirit animal.  And in 33 days I’ll be walking 500 miles to unknown lands across the sea.

My next client will be here any minute.  I’m booked mostly everyday until I leave.  I feel like I should be home planning the rest of those last two weeks.  I’m jittery and restless.  And last night I was hit once again with the mean reds.  The mean reds of fearing that I’m truly alone on my journey.

It’s now the next day.  I got locked out of my office because I went for a drink with my last client to the attached bar upstairs.  He’s a politician, a democrat.  He was mayor at 26 years old and now he’s something else but I didn’t ask what he does.  He’s very smart and I enjoyed his conversation, so agreed to one drink which turned into several.  He’s gotta be out of his mind if he’s looking for a cheap hook up.

My clients are awesome, I ain’t gonna lie.  Every person that comes to see me now are all regulars that know about my trip.  Today I’m massaging my asian mentor client – it’s exciting.  90 minutes of good conversation and I’ll be rewarded with $100.  My job is the shiz.  The shiz I say!

I’m the shiz.

Not only am I the shiz, but a Melanie Hater texted me last night saying that we’re going to be just fine.  It made me so happy to hear!  That means I’m most likely going to Maine after the trip to Spain and I’ll be welcomed back into my family of friends after our long harrowing absence.  It’s like returning home for real – returning to happier times – my roots and my heart.  That makes a journey like this possible.  It lifts me up and gives me strength.

So I returned to a time in my life where I have no limits.  I have the wisdom of my 88 year old self and the timeless love of forgiveness and togetherness.  I’m not alone, and not only am I not alone, but I’m loved.

Two nights ago I was exhausted while laying in bed surrendering to sleep.  That’s when I asked the question, “is there really a God?  One almighty God?”

I tried rationalizing the irrational.  I realized that I had to turn off my monkey brain and use my left brain – the feeling side that know’s no language.  I tried feeling the answer – I deeply meditated and probed for an answer, for some kind of understanding.  Then it hit me.  Hit it me so hard that it felt like my chest was being brutally punctured by that long syringe from Pulp Fiction.  I felt like I was having a heart attack and that my mind was going insane.

For a brief second I had it.  I felt it.  I understood.  But my brain couldn’t handle it.

He felt like a singularity and all encompassing  – so close and so far.  Webs, mathematics, love and fear, light and dark.  My brain wasn’t able to hold onto it.  I felt terror and panic welling up inside.  My heart physically felt adrenaline – so much so that I wanted it to stop.  But I understood – I saw it.  There are no words to describe what I felt.  Only that yes, there is a God.  Not only is there a God, but we will NEVER be able to know him.

We will never be able to connect deeply with him.  Much like infants not being able to understand their parents.  We’re just not there yet.  We haven’t grown enough.

But yeah, I connected for a brief moment with God and wow holy crap.  Do I want to do it again?  I don’t know.  I have to have unwavering faith and belief in myself – eliminating my fear of death, eliminating my need to control.  I need to be deeply aware of myself and my individuality so that I don’t lose myself or my mind.

Okay, now it’s 2:30 in the morning.  I just got home from Bar in New Haven.  I was in the back, where the dance happens.  I was a dancing fool.  The only one wearing hiking boots.  At one point I proclaimed, “It’s too damn crowded in here, I can’t dance my real dance!”  So the girls I went there with pushed back all the sweaty vibrating guys and made room for me.  I let loose and didn’t give a shit.  I was me in all my glory, and everyone moved back to recognize.

All anyone wants is to be either entertained or inspired.  If they can’t get love with whomever they’re with, they look for it on the outside.  All anyone wants is love.  Self actualized love.  It’s all about connection, inspiration, appreciation.  Knowing how you look to others and having that awareness to respect and connect on their level.  It’s the Great Agreement is what I call it.  The physical reality of the outside in agreement with what’s on the inside.

You can be who you are all you want, but to really have an influence on the outside world, you have to connect with it.  And of course the only way to do that is with self-actualization.  That illuminous video camera that captures your true self.  You have to see yourself in the real world so you don’t lose yourself or your mind.

I’m laying here in bed eating carrot sticks and vaping my electronic cigarette.  Nobody really know’s me, nobody sees.  But when I create, they see.

If only people can see what I see, know what I know….

I don’t want to stop writing, but it’s about that time.  If I don’t stop, it will turn into another “I’m Teething” post.  All egoistic, not mindful.

Damn, I want to keep writing….

I’m making a lot of money lately.  That’s egoistic.  It’s not stopping either.  It just keeps coming and coming.  Like one of my nose bleeds as a kid.  It keeps pouring out.  You want to stop and take a break, but it keeps coming out.

Tonight, as I grabbed a beer from the bar and made my way back to my friends on the dance floor, I had to lift my chin up to avoid random shoulders jutting up making contact with my jaw.  I listened to the DJ playing dance music, everyone being so random.

When you listen to a band play, everyone’s facing the same way – everyone has the same purpose.  When a DJ spins a record, it’s all random.  Sex and animal instincts take over.  Everyone facing this way and that.

I went to a film festival tonight at Yale.  The showing was “Habemus Papam” translated to English, “We Have a Pope.”  It’s an Italian movie about a fictitious Pope abdicating his throne.  It was such a well made movie.  It struck a few chords in me.  He didn’t have faith or belief enough in himself to trust God.  He wasn’t self-actualized, not being certain of what he wanted.  It showcased deep truths about our fallible human nature.

All Guru’s are fake.  Anything written about sacred wisdom is fake.

Anyone can learn anything and be capable of regurgitating and believing whatever they learn.  But to have actual knowledge is completely different.  Knowledge can’t be found in a book or in a person.  To have actual knowledge is a whole brain process.  It’s called wisdom, and in the sci-fi book, Stranger from A Strange Land, it’s called Grokking.

To Grok something is to not only understand it, but to familiarize.  To see your reflection in it.  People can’t tell you anything, you have to figure things out on your own.  It’s the only way to understand anything.  Everyone’s just too lazy or too busy to put themselves anywhere they haven’t already been.

I need to sleep.  I booked myself a 10am tomorrow.  A quick $100 bucks.   Then two more to follow suit.  People want in.  There’s very little time for anything else.

Just under 2,00o words.  Sorry guys, it’s hard to hold back.  Especially when shit faced.

 

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Melanie’s Epic Epiphany Part 2: Courage, Duality, Faith, Belief, Karma, Feedback Loop and all that jazz

Fear terror eye

Fear terror eye (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

Hang on tight to your sanity stockings ’cause shits about to get deep up in here.

Okay, so what I’m about to tell you might be very hard to grasp, but try to stay with me.  I’ll go slow and write concise.  I’m learning this stuff as I go along, so nothing is settled in me as I type.  I write and then it becomes settled.

I experienced an epiphany while I was playing in a poker tournament last week.  The epiphany was about knowing where your limits are and finding the courage to move past them.  Whenever you test your faith, that’s when you learn where your limits are.  Poker is a game where you get to play around with this.

I’ll get into all that in just a little bit, but first I need to tell you about an out of body experience shared by four separate travelers.

I like to read about peoples experiences with going out of body.  On several occasions I came across stories about astral travelers ending up in places where they can choose to go deeper, but fear holds them back.  Their bodies become immobile.  The places they described were mostly all different, but their experiences are eerily the same.

For one woman it was a hallway.  The further she walked down the hallway, the more scared she became.  She knew there was something important at the end of the hallway, but she couldn’t get there.  She wasn’t brave enough.

And in another story, there was a man at a cinema.  He went inside a dark theater and started walking towards the movie screen down the long middle isle.  The further he moved down the isle, the more frightened he became.  He looked around at all the others sitting in their seats as you would expect in a regular theater, but only there in that particular theater he knew that those people picked those seats because they were unable to progress further down the isle.  They went as far as their courage could take them.

With each step, terror rose in him until even just the slightest inch forward sent him into panic.  He could move no further.  He had to take his seat in the nearest row.

Two other people experienced this test of courage with a pyramid.  They were not traveling together, but arrived at the same pyramid by chance.  And as luck would have it, I stumbled upon both articles.

They started walking towards a pyramid made out of crystal.  At first it was effortless, but then became increasingly difficult.  There were obstacles in the way.  They became stricken with fear the closer they came to the pyramid.  One made it, while the other did not.

These stories are scattered everywhere on the net.  They’re hard to find if you specifically look for them, but if you read enough OBE’s they pop up.

I connected the poker tournament with the fear of walking down that dark corridor.  I saw it so plainly – I seen and felt it.

Poker is a microcosm of human behavior and interaction.  You are dealing with raw emotion, concise purpose, and have little control over what cards you’re dealt – at least you think you have little control.

It’s been a while since I had this epiphany, but I remember duality playing a huge role in your luck.  The duality of physical reality over spirit. The abrasive rub that shapes us and makes us stronger.

Everybody wants to win – you want to win.  If the law of attraction is real, than why can’t you win?  It won’t happen because you don’t have the courage in yourself to make it happen.  You don’t believe.  You don’t have enough strength.  You don’t have the trust or faith in taking that next step.  And if you tried taking that next step, you would become terrified of the unknown possibilities – losing your ego and sense of control.  Going deeper feels like death.  Unless you’re confident or don’t care about winning, you will feel a looming dread every time you rely solely on faith.

The imagery and knowledge seeping into me was inescapable.  If felt so real.  As real as the pocket 10’s in the folds of my hands.

I reached enlightenment as I sat there holding my cards and staring at all the other players.  I saw them plain as day.  All their tells, all their thoughts, fears, anxieties.  The room became hazy and misty, my head felt light and dizzy.

Me thinking – “Holy crap this is real.  This is so real.  I can feel my own fear.  I can see my own distrust, my own limits!”

I physically felt blocks in front of me preventing myself from moving further.  I hadn’t the faith or the courage.

I understood.  I understood everything.

Okay, now let’s take it a step further.  This dualism that we see everywhere is actually a feedback loop from one unifying, underlining entity.  The “dualistic” part is merely our perceptions trying to rationalize one thing.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction (karma).  The reactions will keep happening until there is homeostasis – peace.  In order for these exchanges to happen, it must sprout from one continuous, harmonious cycle of energy in flux and flow and in communion with itself.

This is done with the help of a feedback loop.  Our current actions shape our futures and those futures direct our present moment.  It feeds back into itself.  Like an ouroboros.

If we are aware enough to visualize our futures and take the appropriate actions needed to achieve those visualizations, the feedback loop will reciprocate and good karma will come of it.  You don’t have to be compassionate, giving or enlightened – as long as you believe in yourself and have faith, you can achieve anything.

When faith outweighs the fear…

But if you do achieve success while being unenlightened, you won’t have peace.  You’ll still have to deal with the universe throwing you curve balls trying to wake you up – but at that point you’ll have so much success that your ego blocks everything out.  You may even end up losing your entire empire if it’s being loosely held together with ego, fear and control.

Inside all physical reality exists a piece of the spiritual and inside the spiritual exists a piece of the physical.  They exist simultaneously.  The physical acting as a mirror, a shadow from the infinite expansion of the spiritual.

We can effect the feedback loop because the feedback loop is dependent on the sum of it’s parts.  It is a living, breathing mechanism that we are all a part of.

If God creates everything in the universe, and we stop worshiping the teapot instead of drinking the tea – we can create too.

Skeptic – “Why would God create poison berries and plant them next to edible berries?”

Me – “That’s the duality that shapes us.  Fear shapes us and keeps us alive, aware and evolving.  You can never have one without the other.  You should never judge one as being “bad” while the other “good.”  They are both one and the same energy of nature.

Skeptic – “But what about all that garbage you said earlier about having faith and no fear?  You would end up eating the poison berries yourself you fool!”

Me – “Okay shut your pie hole and listen up.  You have to accept and respect natures process.  It humbles you by doing so.  Being knowledgeable and utilizing that knowledge is how we evolve our brains.  The poison berries serve their purpose in the world.  If you want to test your faith, go ahead and eat them.  It weeds out all the arrogant gluttons.”

The meek shall inherit the earth.

Skeptic – “Okay wise ass what about parasites?  All they do is feed off their host.  How’s there any purpose in that?  What do they give back?”

Me –  “A parasite feeds for survival and by them feeding, subtle changes take place in their host that leads them into developing a series of complicated evolutionary leaps that both evolves and strengthens their immunity. And as we evolve, so does the parasite.”

(That’s why antibiotics are bad.  We stop evolving and the parasite keeps growing.  And our eyes are getting weaker because we insist on wearing sunglasses!  Our DNA actually changes when we put on a pair of shades and that DNA is passed down to our children.  Do I personally wear sunglasses?  Of course I do!  They make me look cool and mysterious;)

There is no good or evil, nothing is ever all black or all white.  There’s only awareness and using that awareness to see how everything fits into place.

Contrasts create beauty.  Contrasts teaches us choice and free will.  They form our individuality, our self-awareness and our ability to create.  Contrasts helps us in distinguishing what’s what.

The illusion of duality is necessary to sharpen us, or to smooth us – depending on your role in the great almighty rock tumbler.  Labeling something as being evil is a sharp judgement and an arrogant unaware reaction to an undesirable retribution of karma.  Learn to let it go.  Let go or make war.

Judgement serves in protecting ourselves.  Whether it protects our ego’s or our lives – we manage to stay ahead and in control.  This is how all species survives.

We must separate ourselves from the animals by using our self-awareness.  That is the only thing that separates us from them.  And once we find it, there will be peace.

The crazy part is, we NEED those sharp people in the tumbler as much as they need us!  They need to feel loved and accepted as much as we need to be polished from the pain they inflict.  It’s the yin and the yang, the snake eating its tail.  David would not be David without Goliath.  Goliath was just as much a part of the sacred, blessed light as David – so much so that he can be hailed as a martyr.  His death created a great man and all he got in return was hate, judgement and blame for all of eternity.  Who’s the real hero in the story?

Once you see duality as being the one infinite conscious energy that it is, you’ll be out of the blame game of hate.  You will learn and understand compassion in its entirety.

And seeing how all this fits / plays together so simply, astounds me.  There is no longer a blank day in my life where I don’t find myself being astounded over something.  I’m blessed.  I’m freaking blessed!

Anyway, I made it into being one of the last 7 players in the poker tournament.  There were about 40 of us at the beginning.  Not bad for a first timer.

Mellie likey poker.

Muah ha ha.  Is this my angle for world domination?  Eh hem, I mean living a quiet peaceful life?

If you’ve read all this than bravo.  You get a lolly.

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Sacrificing myself for the greater good? Yeah sure, why not?

I’m having a bad case of the mean reds.  Mean reds are when you’re scared.  Sometimes I don’t know why I’m scared, but tonight I know why.  My heart is palpitating because it know’s why.

I had a draining day.  I confronted a Melanie Hater (I don’t like using that term anymore, but that’s how you know them by) earlier for brunch.  We talked about everything.  I knew that the waterworks were going to hit me sooner or later, so I surrendered myself to it.  I openly weeped while sitting in a booth in Grace’s diner.  I tried not making a scene, but it needed to come out.

She told me that I was not welcomed to go on vacation with them to Maine.  She didn’t feel comfortable with me being there.  She kept trying to cycle back to everything that I did, or said – taking the blame off of herself and being unable to empathize with how much she hurt me.  She’s not able to see it.  Like she’s not strong enough or doesn’t know herself enough to know others.  Compassion starts with the self.

She lacks the ability to see herself in others.

I saw everything that was happening and understood it.  I was being open and honest, baring everything, not hiding myself, not getting angry.  I used nothing but compassion and love.  Compassion and love.  I took everything I learned over this past year and used it to strengthen my faith, my courage and my love.  I used my knowledge to try and describe what it feels like to just lift the veil up over your eyes and to live a life of compassion, empathy and forgiveness.

She can’t do it.

“I feel like there’s a block in you.  Like you’re just not able to empathize with me.  I feel like the block is from something inside you that’s stopping it from happening.  Like you don’t have enough love for yourself or self-confidence.  You don’t see other people, you only see yourself and what you’re thinking.”

I wasn’t saying this to be harsh in any way.  I said it because I care about her and I wanted her to see the awesome person that she is.  If she opens up her channel of self-actualization, the love and confidence will follow and with it would come the ability to forgive others.  She’d be able to forgive others because she can accept and forgive herself.

She’s just not there yet.  She’s not there yet and I’ll continue to go through the ringer, but I choose it.  I choose to do it and in all actuality, it’s worth it to me.  It’s worth it to me because she’s my friend.  She’s my friend, so of course it’s worth it.

I told her that I’m sorry for everything I’ve done.  I told her that I loved her.  And then she told me one last time that I wasn’t welcomed to go to Maine with her before getting up and leaving me sitting there with my bitter sweet coffee of tears.

Except I had no more tears at that point.  I sat there nodding my head.  I was tapped out for the day.

But afterwards, I felt truly wonderful.  Completely head over heals in love with myself.  I felt like a rock, like an unshakable rock of truth and love.  And I knew at that moment that it’s in these moments that define my purpose.  I’m a giver, a healer, but I’m also the sign on your back that says “please kick me.”

I kick you awake beeyoch.

No, just kidding….

I can’t make anyone see what I see.  I can’t make them see what they’re not ready to see.

Losing the ego is the death of self – it’s completely terrifying.  Not only are you suffering loss, but also embarking on the unknown.  It’s an experience that must be felt, not told.  And the best way to help a person understand is only through love and compassion.  All I can do is give my love and compassion.  I can’t tell people anything, only show and give.  I baptize them with my own tears.  I embody the loving energy of Christ.  The same Christ that people intellectually know about, but feel too weak to embody forgiveness in themselves.

I’m there!

That monk really did do something to my brain.  Am I sure I really want this?  It’s a lonely path after all.  It’s lonely when being defenseless and laying my heart on the line.  I can feel it in my chest.  Pumping beneath my sternum – virtually unprotected.  But I can’t deny the strength I get from it.  It’s iridescent.

Today I hiked, cleaned my room, finished a painting and watched Lost.  I watched the episode where Julia dies by falling down a shaft and smashing the nuclear bomb with a rock.  I cried.  Then I watched a foreign documentary about a druggy prostitute called Loving Sophie.  I cried.  Then I tried watching a documentary about dying and grief – why did I do that?  I emptied myself out before shutting the movie off.

It got me thinking about how important it is to have supportive friends and family in times of crisis.  I thought about the Camino and I hate to say it but, what if something happens to me out there?  I’m not strong enough to do it on my own.  I need all the prayers I can get.  I need to know that people will be here for me when I get back.  That’s why going to Maine was so important to me.  To feel like I have something to come home to.  It’s unbearably scary knowing that I have nothing to come back to.

Hence the reason for the Mean Reds.

I’m so tired.  That rock tumbler is something else I tell ya.  Okay, I’m going to step out of the big almighty tumbler for the time being and look at it for what it really is.  It’s shaping me, evolving me and strengthening me.  I have to let it do what it does.  I asked for this.  There is nobody to blame but myself.

Unconditional surrender to the process requires unconditional love for others.

I will never forget this, never revert back to the old Melanie.  All thanks to you.  My memory bank blog.  My tender silent comrade.

This stuff is real, and if you pay enough attention to it, it might save your life some day.  Or somebody else’s.  Ah hell, it may save all of goddamned humanity.

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Melanie’s great epiphany part one: The illustrious rock tumbler of human existence

I had a very big break thru while playing in a poker tournament Sunday.  It was one of my greatest epiphany’s of all time (besides my awakening with ayahuasca).  It has to do with duality, going deeper into your fears, belief, faith, courage and trust.

The framework needed to be able to deeply feel this epiphany on a profound level is to have absolute belief in the existence of a spirit realm and to know that us human beings create the reality we see around us.  That we all possess Godly knowledge and power.  Understanding this fundamental truth is the basic principal into awakening.  Knowing that this world is an illusion built upon karma, ego and duality – all necessary to further our evolutionary process.

Our collective consciousness is the medium in which we all paint.

But in order for us to process this understanding, we must take the leap of faith and separate ourselves from the ego bound nature of physical reality.

What people do to each other is insane.  The further you are from compassion and non-judgement, the more insane you become.  This is what evil is.  And it’s this rub that shapes us.  By adopting consciously aware and mindful choices, you choose the path of stepping away from circumstances that are out of your control.  You evolve into a more blessed being – a wise guide that contributes to our one collective soul body.

This is where duality comes into play.  The friction between the spiritual and the physical.  The light from the dark.  Very few people are even aware they have continuous access to the light.

I dubbed the dark ego-bound emotional reality as being the big almighty rock tumbler.  We are thrown into this big vat of abrasive cohorts to shape and polish us.  Both sides fighting for what they believe is right.  But what they fail to realize is that fighting is fighting regardless of the cause.  In the dark and almighty rock tumbler, all that exists are perceptions, not truths.  No one can see the light in front of them while being shrouded in darkness and tumbling in the emotional upheaval of insanity.  Grasping at whomever is near for stability and reason.

If you’re awake, you can choose to step out of the rock tumbler and see it for what it really is, a learning playground.  And when you throw yourself back into it, getting your knee’s scraped up and suffering a bit, you actually feel better and stronger because of it.  But you have to remain aware while you’re in there.  Aware of the insanity and aware that all negative abrasive emotions are just insanity battling against even more insanity.

Staying aware is difficult because the gravity of others beliefs can suck you in.  People normally take the side of the person they have more contact with simply because they get sucked in and stop seeing alternate perspectives.  They are not aware and not in control (although they think they are).  This is why children become the byproduct of their environment and of their parents fears.  Until they break free and see the outside world on their own, they will fall victim to their circumstances and narrow perspectives.  You become your environment and you want to protect those same circumstances that shaped your beliefs albeit whether they are wrong or right.  They are you and you must defend yourself.

If you’re an awake individual, you become the polished gem inside the tumbler.  One who uses compassion over abrasiveness, understanding over judgement and blame.  You are humble enough to not have to protect yourself from attack.  Stubbornness doesn’t exist in you, only understanding.  Understanding of the process itself and seeing people’s inability to see the light.  And having compassion for those who don’t see it and instead continue to suffer.  You suffer along with them until you step out of the tumbler and dust yourself off.  Feeling even more glorious than ever.

Very much like the feeling after having accomplished a long harrowing pilgrimage.

When you’re standing on the outside looking in, you can see the arial view of reality.  You see the components, the insanity, the progression.  If everyone were to lay down their arms, there would be no more progress.  No evolution would take place.  If we were all to stop fighting, hold hands and sing a church hymn – lose our ego, lose our duality, become one with nature and each other.  If we were to do all that, reach nirvana, then a vital step in our evolutionary process would be missing.

It has to do with free will and conscious choice.  We are individuals and because we are individuals, we must integrate our ego with the spirit in order to keep in tact the option of free will.  We will lose our awareness if we’re not able to hold steady our individuality.  We can not become powerful conscious creators if we lose our self-awareness.  The rock tumbler is the process into gaining self-awareness, strength and courage.

The stronger you become, the less of the world you will fear.  And without fear, you step into the portal of unwavering faith in yourself and God.  You are consciously aware of the choices you make because of your integration with ego and spirit.  We are no longer puppets, but the puppeteers.  We become our adult higher selves instead of the slaves of fear.  This is walking the path of greatness.  And in walking this path, we consciously create our reality in our wake.

I still need to talk about duality, faith, going deeper into your fears and courage but I don’t want to make this post too long.  This post is just a primer.  My epiphany was so large making it super hard to explain.  I felt it and then intuited the knowledge of how and why I was feeling it.  There’s so many layers and parts to it.

I need to write it all down so I can incorporate it into memory.  Honestly, I don’t know how it’s possible for people to not want to write.  How will they remember things?  How will they ever get better?

I had this post in my draft folder for days.  I’ve been busy with other things.  I threw myself back into the rock tumbler and tried being friends again with one of the Melanie Haters.  The one who planned a vacation with my bff and purposely left me out of it.

It hurts being in the tumbler, I get scuffed up in the process – but I jumped back in using compassion as my guide instead of my defensiveness and trying to understand why.  I will never understand why and not knowing the answer is all part of the tumbler.  A part that bruises and scrapes against my ribcage aiming for my heart – both my greatest weakness and my greatest strength.  It hits in waves and I let it do what it does until the tears come I say, “Okay enough,” and it subsides, slipping back into the tumbling chaos without me to follow suit.

I am out looking in and saying to myself, “Holy crap what a ride.”

I love the fact that I can feel so deeply.  I love that I have a choice in letting myself feel it.  It will only make me better – it has made me better.  Ayahuasca told me that I’m special and I have gifts.  Perhaps having such a big heart is one gift that is absent in others.  I want to cry because I love this person I am.  I see my ego self and I love her – I love that she feels so much.

I painted a picture for the Melanie Hater as a peace offering.  I couldn’t think of anything else I could get her.  Flowers, chocolate, bath soaps are all lame and so I painted a picture of us during happier times.  When we were dressed up as Goldie Locks and the Three Bears on Halloween.

watercolor portrait

This is the product of 7 adult ed watercolor classes.

I was terrified of seeing her again.  Afraid of hearing lies, being judged and blamed, looked down upon.  These are all abrasives that left a scar.  It can only be smoothed away with compassion and that compassion is what polishes me into a gem.  Buffing out all my scuffed abrasive scars in the process.

So yeah, I’m fucking awesome….

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Learning is Believing and Seeing is Creating

I only have one more watercolor class left until it’s all over.  I love this class –  I really love it.  I love the ladies, the instructor, and the woman sitting next to me who can’t handle criticism.  I can see myself in all of them.

People become vulnerable when learning or doing something new, and if you look close enough, you can see your own reflection in their fears and weaknesses.

I’m only able to see myself with the help of others.  It’s like I see myself in them and understand that if I don’t like what I see, I can change it in myself.  I can change it because I know myself.

My mother was the first person whom I learned this from.  I was only a kid, maybe 6 or 7.  I learned that she was unable to see the person she became.  I kept thinking over and over, “If only she can hear herself.  If only she can see herself…..”

I became enamored with our old Sony camcorder bought in 1988.  I was 8 years old lugging that big thing on my thin bony shoulder.  I wanted to capture the true nature of people – the parts they miss out seeing while being in their first person perspective.  I became the one responsible for recording video at all family functions.  My high-pitched squeak voice narrated.  I was rarely seen in our home video’s, only heard.

Creating yourself is about seeing yourself, whether you like what you see or not.

That’s why I believe art to be self-actualized.

I’ve always been somewhat good at artsy things.  I don’t consider it being a natural talent – there’s no such thing as natural talent.  Natural talent can’t be explained, but the way we learn can be explained.  It’s not only about how we learn that brings about talent, but also the passion we have for our endeavors mixed with the belief in knowing that we’re good enough.  No limits.

However, ayahuasca told me that I do possess unique talents.  Perhaps she was talking about my ability to understand how to create.  Patience and a steady hand, but the most important thing being:  Don’t take it seriously!

I hate to bring up ego again but, seriousness breeds itself in the ego.  It’s judgment of yourself and of others.  It’s void of trusting and believing in yourself – it’s your fears incarnate.

It’s only when you let go of being serious, you are able to play and have fun.

All the ladies in the class are taking watercolor too seriously.  They’re afraid of every brush stroke, while I’m sitting there cross-legged on my chair, thumbs in the thumbholes of my hoodie, daintily daunting the paper with the tip of my brush and thinking – “whatever happens, happens.  I’m having fun!”

This is the part of my personality that can be annoying.  My ability to just not give a shit, and at the same time, showcase talent.  Why can’t people put these two together?!

Relinquish your need to control.  You will never be able to control your fears.  Let it go.

Everything will be okay in time.  In time, I will get good.  Also, when you let your ego govern you, you’re not learning anything.  All you see are mistakes and frustration – that’s not playing and when you’re not playing, you’re not learning.

Anyway, my big trip is approaching.  Peyote in Arizona and then hiking 500 miles in Spain.  All I want to do is sit on the toilet to stop myself from shitting my pants.  I’m not a traveler – I don’t do things like this.  Especially not alone or without a guide.  I’m 33 years old and I still live downstairs from my parents!

They don’t know I’m going by myself.  And I assure you, I am NOT smart.  But stupid people have the best adventures, right?

On top of all that, my stupid-ass managed to get uninvited to go on vacation with my old friends – the same friends I grew up with thinking that they were the only friends I would ever need.  I was uninvited as quickly as I was invited.  Why?  Because I wanted to make sure they actually wanted me to go.  And as it turns out, they don’t.

My heart feels the physical pangs of hurt (even though I didn’t think that was possible anymore), isolation and fear.  Unwillingness to believe it’s possible to be abandoned all over again – how can it be?  What did I do?  I have to accept it.  I have to deal with it.  But shit, it hurts.

But I also feel courage.  I have courage and faith.  And I know for certain that there’s nothing more important to me right now than going on this trip.  This is my life – this is exactly what I want to do with my life.

I flipped thru my journal from Colombia earlier today.  I wrote while I was toked up on ayahuasca and another time with yopo.  Why not share some pages with you?  Hell, you know everything else there is to know about me….20130403-020703.jpg20130403-020621.jpg

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Huh I just re-read a paragraph and it makes me think once again that everyone here living on this planet are here because they are fearful.  EVERYONE!  The only way out of it is faith.  To have faith, suffering to attain that faith, and become strong and light.  My faith is still shakeable, but I’m getting there.  Compassion Melanie.  Must remember compassion, being humble and open.  This world is fantasy.  Believe.

I am a light spirit.  No no scratch that.  I am thee light spirit.

Okay, being thee light spirit isn’t humble, but I’m playing in my ego which is totally okay so long as I know it’s just a delusion.

I know I sound crazy but I’ve been reading other spiritual teachers and let me just tell you hole-lee-shit it’s everywhere.  It ain’t just me.  And the SAME insights no less!

It’s profound.  Completely profound.  My heart thumps in awe after having crawled out of its slimy container of grief.  I really am beautiful.  We all are.

So hang in there old girl, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

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Melanie on Growing Up

20130330-135347.jpgI admire his straightforwardness – I really do!  It’s the people who skirt around truthfulness that piss me off.  I am more apt to respond nicely to this text, then I am to someone who’s hiding their intentions.

He showed me respect by being honest, I’ll give him that.

The real creepers out there developed a way of asking these questions without actually having to ask them.  And if I call them out on it, they get all defensive like I’m the bad guy.

You will be less of a creeper if you’re honest.  And respectful even!  I know how crazy that sounds, but it’s true.

People who aren’t honest, judge themselves more than anyone else.  They control the situation with  their ego, hiding the truth from others and even from themselves.  Whenever anyone’s not being honest, friction is bound to happen.  Friction, judgements, accusations, anger….

How do you find your honest self?  With self-actualization.  And how do you become self-actualized?  Confronting your true intentions.  The ego keeps us from ever really knowing ourselves.

The ego is essential for spiritual growth and evolution.  It is the reason for all our suffering and without suffering, we will not strengthen or ever know the true meaning of bliss.

And bliss to me, isn’t about giving hand jobs.

And hey, I’m not one to judge.  If people are into that sort of thing, let them be into it!  There’s nothing wrong with it as long as nobody’s getting hurt.

For me personally, it’s just not my thang. It really doesn’t matter if I do or don’t, all that matters is that that’s not how I want to define myself (or be remembered).  It’s like taking away that special something, and turning it into something mechanical and bodily, not spiritual.

I’m a mind, body and spirit kinda gal.  The universe won’t synchronize to my beat otherwise.

Anyway…

That monk from my dream really did do something to me.  My heart is open, my faith untouchable, my compassion expanding.  It’s like I’m sitting back with a cold lager in one hand, my blog in the other, and I’m just sitting back taking in the show.

We all need each other to remind us to let go.  We are learning from one another how to love and respect.   No one can ever hurt me again, no matter how bad it gets, nobody will ever be able to cause me pain.  I have too much compassion and understanding for any of it.  And even if I do manage to get hurt again, I roll with it.  I roll with it and it polishes me somehow.

None of it matters.  None of it matters simply because nobody see’s the truth.  If you’re on the receiving end of emotional abuse, you are no better than the abuser – you are both playing the same game.  Compassion is what keeps you tied, but it’s also the answer for stepping aside.  Self-actualization shows you where you are attached and where to let go.  Compassion for yourself is the thing most liberating.

One of my old friends called me up today.  One that I haven’t spoken to in years.  She told me that I sounded more mature, like I was all grown up.

Me – “Really?  I feel more mature.”

I haven’t thought about it until today, of how my awakening is showing on the outside.  I still act like my normal self – I’m still the same person.  But there are subtle changes taking place.  So subtle even to me.

It makes me think that we’re all children until we learn how to take responsibility.  And for us to take responsibility, we must conquer our hidden fear of those who hold authority or power over us.  We must become the person of authority (authority over ourselves).  Growing up is about believing in yourself.  To feel that you’re entitled to be here.  You have a voice and every right to be heard.

This is the reason for my inability to speak in public.  It’s also the reason why I get nervous on my birthday.  I feel that I don’t deserve to be celebrated, or that I don’t have any right to speak in front of a large group of people.  Believing that I do have a right, is tied in with spiritual awakening.

Stop asking permission when it comes to matters in your own life.

Once you get over the hump, you are free to play with it.  You start to see yourself crisper, to be fully connected with the movements of your body and verbal expressions.  You are in the drivers seat.  You can dance and sing better, communicate better, create anything…better.

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Melanie’s astral projections, meeting her monk spirit guide and letting her ego die by letting go

I’m notorious for having weird dreams and last night was no exception.  I did not smoke pot nor did I ingest any type of drug besides nicotine (which was probably the culprit).

I dreamt I was living in a quaint seaside town, a place familiar to me (I’ve been there many times before in dreams). I knew where the mall was, the casino, the eatery, etc.  I also knew where the shaman lived.  The towns shaman brewed a medicine that looked and tasted like warm milk.  After you drink it, it releases you from your physical body and you are set free to enjoy the spirit world.

It was exactly like ayahuasca, only it wasn’t.

Everyone in town grew up drinking the shamans brew.  It was part of their everyday life and never considered it a profound experience.  It was like vacationing in Florida, fun but not profound.  Drink the medicine, leave your body, visit different worlds.  This is the way of the universe.

I had a memory of me and my mother going to see the shaman so we can drink the liquid together.  She said we were taking a vacation and this was the easiest way to do it.  But I wanted to be on my own this time, so I went to the teahouse to see the shaman by myself.

I waited my turn and when it was finally time, the shaman nonchalantly handed me the cup of warm white liquid.  I drank it down, thanked him, and walked away knowing that the medicine wouldn’t take effect for a few more minutes.  I needed to find a place to settle my body before the journey.

But the medicine hit me so hard that I collapsed where I stood in the hallway of the teahouse.  This was a common thing and again, not a big deal to the townspeople.

I found myself sinking down into darkness.  This is when I became lucid.

Me thinking – “Oh man, here we go again.  I’m too tired for this..”

I started flying down a wormhole at light speed as I’ve done so many times before (I’m always lucid when this happens).  I thought about all the possible worlds I could end up in and hoped it wasn’t taking me to a hell world.  After talking to people who drank ayahuasca, it’s quite common to end up there.

I was too tired to wake myself up.  I wasn’t scared enough to want to wake up.  Plus I was curious to see why I was being called out again.  I said my prayers and asked not to be brought to a dark place.

I’m not sure where I ended up to be honest.  This is the first time I had a muddled out of body experience.  I remember bits and pieces of it, but for the most part I felt drugged.  There was a tidal wave sloshing around back and forth in my head.

I landed safely in some world outside our dimension.  I was in what looked like a library.  I walked around dazed for a little bit, looking around wondering why I was there.  That’s when I met a regular looking guy in his 40’s or 50’s who smiled at me and asked, “Do you know who I am?”

Me – “You are me.”

I figured that he was probably a manifestation of my thoughts brought to life, he was only my imagination.  But then he said something so profound that I was left feeling confused wondering how in God’s graces my brain could ever think up what he just said.  I thought long about this.  I spent so long thinking about it, wondering if he was a real spirit guide or just my imagination, that I completely forgot what his profound insight was.  He was trying to warn me about something.

I was then whisked away in an instant, being taken to yet another teacher.  He was a thin monk dressed in buddhist robes.  I don’t remember exactly what he said to me, but what I do remember is him telling me that I’m God – not thee God, but A God.  I had complete control over everything.

He sat in his chair while looking me up and down assessing what I needed.  He had a kind face, but it wasn’t smiling.  His face was so kind he didn’t need to smile.  After examining me, he knew what needed to be done.

Him – “You need to believe that you have full control.”

Me – “How?  I don’t understand how to do it?”

Monk – “We need to reprogram your brain.”

And that’s when things got really foggy.  The old monk did something to me.  Waves of white light flushed out my vision.  I clutched the sides of my head and closed my eyes.  I literally felt my brain moving inside my skull.  It didn’t hurt, but something physical was definitely happening in there.

I felt drugged up again.  There was a sweeping sensation in my head.  I was lucid and trying to make sense of what I was feeling.  I couldn’t relate it to anything I experienced before.

Me thinking – “Oh my God is this really happening?”

My gut told me that this monk was preparing me for something.  That maybe I’ll be faced with some kind of danger on the Camino.

That’s when the dream faded out and I woke up to my alarm going off, or maybe I woke up earlier than that, I can’t remember.  I was in a funk when I woke.  I think I slept for maybe 2 hours the entire night and during those two hours, I was fully conscious and getting a lobotomy.  It was exhausting.

I don’t feel any different today.  I’m much happier than I was yesterday I can tell you that.  Yesterday sucked something awful, sorry for the depressing post that came from it.

Anyway, today I’m ecstatic!  I made $240 and added another regular – possibly two new regulars to my clientele.  And I got to talk to my bff about leaving me out of vacationing with her.  It’s all aired out, all the dirty laundry.  And so I’m pretty damn happy today.

My brain is still acting and thinking in the same patterns.  If that old monk was for real, than this won’t be the last time I see him.  He didn’t get all the gunk out of me head.

After being awakened with ayahuasca, I saw the universe for what it really is.  And even after being granted that knowledge, I’m still unable to let go.  Letting go feels like dying.

When I was high on pot (pot is great for meditation!), I wanted to find the place of no thought.  But I couldn’t achieve it no matter how much I tried.  Something was holding me back.  I asked myself why?  Why can’t I let go?  And that’s when the fear of death crept over me.  All my fears revolve around the fear of death.  But it’s a universal fear – we are all afraid to die.

Even though I was sitting comfortably, my body being completely relaxed, safe and healthy – When I let go of all thought, it’s actually my “self” that dies, not the body, but my identity.  Everything I learned from past experiences along with all hopes for my future – all of it wiped clean away.  If I have no past or future, the me that I think I am no longer exists.  I no longer have control over anything, I only need to trust and believe.

This is loss of ego and it can be terrifying.  But with this loss comes with it an understanding of all things.  It’s terrifying until it happens, then your realize there was nothing to be afraid of – the same goes for actual physical death of your body.  Once you let go of yourself, you become one with everything.  It’s one of the base layers of awareness.

When I was under ayahuasca, she showed me that I belong here in the universe.  That I’m not separate from it, I am a part of it.

The thoughts that arise during meditation are important.  The reason why they weigh on your mind is because you haven’t dealt with them yet.  You may think you have, but you only placed them in the ongoing loop of rationalization.  When people don’t understand something, their rational mind digs for answers.  Using a shovel to dig through water doesn’t work – but rowing moves you to wherever you want.  Move past it!  Accept that it’s there, then move past.  Or better yet, stay for a while and let the current take you.

People think that the best way to deal with a problem is to understand it.  Once you understand, you are then able to let go – well, that’s the popular belief at least.

If you don’t understand an issue in your life, you become attached to it with fear.  Fear causes you to think.  Fear forces you to seek understanding.

In my humble opinion, what it really means to “deal with your problems,” is just another way of saying “accepting your problems”.  When you deal with something, you accept it.  And by accepting it, you remain humble.

This is the opposite of what most people are taught.  Not so much taught, but fell into.  Letting fear of the unknown direct your next move, not being able to Let Go and Let God.  Controlling the situation, the people, the outcome, and for what?  What’s it all for?  In the grand scope of things, does it really matter that much?

Irrational controlling lady – “This is unAcceptable!  No, I can’t have this.”

Voice of reality – “Well lady you’re just going to have to deal with it.”

This is suffering.

This is why we’re here and it’s something we all have to deal with.  By being humble, you hold yourself responsible and accept everything that happens to you.  By remaining in your ego, you will never accept anything that you can’t understand (or control).  You hold onto your self and your identity.  Never letting go of the past or what may come of the future.  This denial is the root of all mental illness (unless you were hit on the head really hard).

Suffering happens when you hold onto the person you once were.  You suffered a loss that changed you, not only you, but your world.  When your past self meets your new self, it creates friction.  Our ego can’t let go.  Our ego uses blame and judgement for explanations.  And that form of “understanding” acts as fuel for a faulty power source.  Pulling from the outside and not from within for answers and strength.

I’m not above any of this.  My pot addled brain made me well aware of my inability to let go.

I’m getting goosebumps on my head.

That monk from my dream is trying to awaken my brain into acceptance of all that is.  And once I let go, I can trust and believe in myself to make my life my own.  The ironic thing is, once I let go, only then will the answers and understanding be brought to me.  This is the way things work.  If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself.

All of this sounds familiar to me.  Like I’ve been writing it again and again.  Am I going crazy?  Shhhh, let it go Mel, let it go.

That’s the one crappy thing about all of this.  People thinking I’m crazy and that I think too much.

Me #1 – “Just relax, have fun, chill.”

Me #2 – “I do relax, have fun and chill.  I just need to do a few things first.”

Me #1 – “Well when will you be done?  All this exhausts me.”

Me #2 – “I’m so close to getting it, I’m almost there.  Let me just understand a bit more and I’ll join back up with the rest of the world.”

Me #3 – “I’m hungry.”

Me #1 & #2 – “Shut up and deal with it.”

And that’s pretty much how my brain works.  I’ve had that conversation with myself on and off since I was 14.  Whenever I felt satisfied with my findings, I’d put everything down and went out to play.

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