I’m notorious for having weird dreams and last night was no exception. I did not smoke pot nor did I ingest any type of drug besides nicotine (which was probably the culprit).
I dreamt I was living in a quaint seaside town, a place familiar to me (I’ve been there many times before in dreams). I knew where the mall was, the casino, the eatery, etc. I also knew where the shaman lived. The towns shaman brewed a medicine that looked and tasted like warm milk. After you drink it, it releases you from your physical body and you are set free to enjoy the spirit world.
It was exactly like ayahuasca, only it wasn’t.
Everyone in town grew up drinking the shamans brew. It was part of their everyday life and never considered it a profound experience. It was like vacationing in Florida, fun but not profound. Drink the medicine, leave your body, visit different worlds. This is the way of the universe.
I had a memory of me and my mother going to see the shaman so we can drink the liquid together. She said we were taking a vacation and this was the easiest way to do it. But I wanted to be on my own this time, so I went to the teahouse to see the shaman by myself.
I waited my turn and when it was finally time, the shaman nonchalantly handed me the cup of warm white liquid. I drank it down, thanked him, and walked away knowing that the medicine wouldn’t take effect for a few more minutes. I needed to find a place to settle my body before the journey.
But the medicine hit me so hard that I collapsed where I stood in the hallway of the teahouse. This was a common thing and again, not a big deal to the townspeople.
I found myself sinking down into darkness. This is when I became lucid.
Me thinking – “Oh man, here we go again. I’m too tired for this..”
I started flying down a wormhole at light speed as I’ve done so many times before (I’m always lucid when this happens). I thought about all the possible worlds I could end up in and hoped it wasn’t taking me to a hell world. After talking to people who drank ayahuasca, it’s quite common to end up there.
I was too tired to wake myself up. I wasn’t scared enough to want to wake up. Plus I was curious to see why I was being called out again. I said my prayers and asked not to be brought to a dark place.
I’m not sure where I ended up to be honest. This is the first time I had a muddled out of body experience. I remember bits and pieces of it, but for the most part I felt drugged. There was a tidal wave sloshing around back and forth in my head.
I landed safely in some world outside our dimension. I was in what looked like a library. I walked around dazed for a little bit, looking around wondering why I was there. That’s when I met a regular looking guy in his 40’s or 50’s who smiled at me and asked, “Do you know who I am?”
Me – “You are me.”
I figured that he was probably a manifestation of my thoughts brought to life, he was only my imagination. But then he said something so profound that I was left feeling confused wondering how in God’s graces my brain could ever think up what he just said. I thought long about this. I spent so long thinking about it, wondering if he was a real spirit guide or just my imagination, that I completely forgot what his profound insight was. He was trying to warn me about something.
I was then whisked away in an instant, being taken to yet another teacher. He was a thin monk dressed in buddhist robes. I don’t remember exactly what he said to me, but what I do remember is him telling me that I’m God – not thee God, but A God. I had complete control over everything.
He sat in his chair while looking me up and down assessing what I needed. He had a kind face, but it wasn’t smiling. His face was so kind he didn’t need to smile. After examining me, he knew what needed to be done.
Him – “You need to believe that you have full control.”
Me – “How? I don’t understand how to do it?”
Monk – “We need to reprogram your brain.”
And that’s when things got really foggy. The old monk did something to me. Waves of white light flushed out my vision. I clutched the sides of my head and closed my eyes. I literally felt my brain moving inside my skull. It didn’t hurt, but something physical was definitely happening in there.
I felt drugged up again. There was a sweeping sensation in my head. I was lucid and trying to make sense of what I was feeling. I couldn’t relate it to anything I experienced before.
Me thinking – “Oh my God is this really happening?”
My gut told me that this monk was preparing me for something. That maybe I’ll be faced with some kind of danger on the Camino.
That’s when the dream faded out and I woke up to my alarm going off, or maybe I woke up earlier than that, I can’t remember. I was in a funk when I woke. I think I slept for maybe 2 hours the entire night and during those two hours, I was fully conscious and getting a lobotomy. It was exhausting.
I don’t feel any different today. I’m much happier than I was yesterday I can tell you that. Yesterday sucked something awful, sorry for the depressing post that came from it.
Anyway, today I’m ecstatic! I made $240 and added another regular – possibly two new regulars to my clientele. And I got to talk to my bff about leaving me out of vacationing with her. It’s all aired out, all the dirty laundry. And so I’m pretty damn happy today.
My brain is still acting and thinking in the same patterns. If that old monk was for real, than this won’t be the last time I see him. He didn’t get all the gunk out of me head.
After being awakened with ayahuasca, I saw the universe for what it really is. And even after being granted that knowledge, I’m still unable to let go. Letting go feels like dying.
When I was high on pot (pot is great for meditation!), I wanted to find the place of no thought. But I couldn’t achieve it no matter how much I tried. Something was holding me back. I asked myself why? Why can’t I let go? And that’s when the fear of death crept over me. All my fears revolve around the fear of death. But it’s a universal fear – we are all afraid to die.
Even though I was sitting comfortably, my body being completely relaxed, safe and healthy – When I let go of all thought, it’s actually my “self” that dies, not the body, but my identity. Everything I learned from past experiences along with all hopes for my future – all of it wiped clean away. If I have no past or future, the me that I think I am no longer exists. I no longer have control over anything, I only need to trust and believe.
This is loss of ego and it can be terrifying. But with this loss comes with it an understanding of all things. It’s terrifying until it happens, then your realize there was nothing to be afraid of – the same goes for actual physical death of your body. Once you let go of yourself, you become one with everything. It’s one of the base layers of awareness.
When I was under ayahuasca, she showed me that I belong here in the universe. That I’m not separate from it, I am a part of it.
The thoughts that arise during meditation are important. The reason why they weigh on your mind is because you haven’t dealt with them yet. You may think you have, but you only placed them in the ongoing loop of rationalization. When people don’t understand something, their rational mind digs for answers. Using a shovel to dig through water doesn’t work – but rowing moves you to wherever you want. Move past it! Accept that it’s there, then move past. Or better yet, stay for a while and let the current take you.
People think that the best way to deal with a problem is to understand it. Once you understand, you are then able to let go – well, that’s the popular belief at least.
If you don’t understand an issue in your life, you become attached to it with fear. Fear causes you to think. Fear forces you to seek understanding.
In my humble opinion, what it really means to “deal with your problems,” is just another way of saying “accepting your problems”. When you deal with something, you accept it. And by accepting it, you remain humble.
This is the opposite of what most people are taught. Not so much taught, but fell into. Letting fear of the unknown direct your next move, not being able to Let Go and Let God. Controlling the situation, the people, the outcome, and for what? What’s it all for? In the grand scope of things, does it really matter that much?
Irrational controlling lady – “This is unAcceptable! No, I can’t have this.”
Voice of reality – “Well lady you’re just going to have to deal with it.”
This is suffering.
This is why we’re here and it’s something we all have to deal with. By being humble, you hold yourself responsible and accept everything that happens to you. By remaining in your ego, you will never accept anything that you can’t understand (or control). You hold onto your self and your identity. Never letting go of the past or what may come of the future. This denial is the root of all mental illness (unless you were hit on the head really hard).
Suffering happens when you hold onto the person you once were. You suffered a loss that changed you, not only you, but your world. When your past self meets your new self, it creates friction. Our ego can’t let go. Our ego uses blame and judgement for explanations. And that form of “understanding” acts as fuel for a faulty power source. Pulling from the outside and not from within for answers and strength.
I’m not above any of this. My pot addled brain made me well aware of my inability to let go.
I’m getting goosebumps on my head.
That monk from my dream is trying to awaken my brain into acceptance of all that is. And once I let go, I can trust and believe in myself to make my life my own. The ironic thing is, once I let go, only then will the answers and understanding be brought to me. This is the way things work. If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself.
All of this sounds familiar to me. Like I’ve been writing it again and again. Am I going crazy? Shhhh, let it go Mel, let it go.
That’s the one crappy thing about all of this. People thinking I’m crazy and that I think too much.
Me #1 – “Just relax, have fun, chill.”
Me #2 – “I do relax, have fun and chill. I just need to do a few things first.”
Me #1 – “Well when will you be done? All this exhausts me.”
Me #2 – “I’m so close to getting it, I’m almost there. Let me just understand a bit more and I’ll join back up with the rest of the world.”
Me #3 – “I’m hungry.”
Me #1 & #2 – “Shut up and deal with it.”
And that’s pretty much how my brain works. I’ve had that conversation with myself on and off since I was 14. Whenever I felt satisfied with my findings, I’d put everything down and went out to play.