Category Archives: Strange & Unusual

Melanie’s Epic Epiphany Part 2: Courage, Duality, Faith, Belief, Karma, Feedback Loop and all that jazz

Fear terror eye

Fear terror eye (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

Hang on tight to your sanity stockings ’cause shits about to get deep up in here.

Okay, so what I’m about to tell you might be very hard to grasp, but try to stay with me.  I’ll go slow and write concise.  I’m learning this stuff as I go along, so nothing is settled in me as I type.  I write and then it becomes settled.

I experienced an epiphany while I was playing in a poker tournament last week.  The epiphany was about knowing where your limits are and finding the courage to move past them.  Whenever you test your faith, that’s when you learn where your limits are.  Poker is a game where you get to play around with this.

I’ll get into all that in just a little bit, but first I need to tell you about an out of body experience shared by four separate travelers.

I like to read about peoples experiences with going out of body.  On several occasions I came across stories about astral travelers ending up in places where they can choose to go deeper, but fear holds them back.  Their bodies become immobile.  The places they described were mostly all different, but their experiences are eerily the same.

For one woman it was a hallway.  The further she walked down the hallway, the more scared she became.  She knew there was something important at the end of the hallway, but she couldn’t get there.  She wasn’t brave enough.

And in another story, there was a man at a cinema.  He went inside a dark theater and started walking towards the movie screen down the long middle isle.  The further he moved down the isle, the more frightened he became.  He looked around at all the others sitting in their seats as you would expect in a regular theater, but only there in that particular theater he knew that those people picked those seats because they were unable to progress further down the isle.  They went as far as their courage could take them.

With each step, terror rose in him until even just the slightest inch forward sent him into panic.  He could move no further.  He had to take his seat in the nearest row.

Two other people experienced this test of courage with a pyramid.  They were not traveling together, but arrived at the same pyramid by chance.  And as luck would have it, I stumbled upon both articles.

They started walking towards a pyramid made out of crystal.  At first it was effortless, but then became increasingly difficult.  There were obstacles in the way.  They became stricken with fear the closer they came to the pyramid.  One made it, while the other did not.

These stories are scattered everywhere on the net.  They’re hard to find if you specifically look for them, but if you read enough OBE’s they pop up.

I connected the poker tournament with the fear of walking down that dark corridor.  I saw it so plainly – I seen and felt it.

Poker is a microcosm of human behavior and interaction.  You are dealing with raw emotion, concise purpose, and have little control over what cards you’re dealt – at least you think you have little control.

It’s been a while since I had this epiphany, but I remember duality playing a huge role in your luck.  The duality of physical reality over spirit. The abrasive rub that shapes us and makes us stronger.

Everybody wants to win – you want to win.  If the law of attraction is real, than why can’t you win?  It won’t happen because you don’t have the courage in yourself to make it happen.  You don’t believe.  You don’t have enough strength.  You don’t have the trust or faith in taking that next step.  And if you tried taking that next step, you would become terrified of the unknown possibilities – losing your ego and sense of control.  Going deeper feels like death.  Unless you’re confident or don’t care about winning, you will feel a looming dread every time you rely solely on faith.

The imagery and knowledge seeping into me was inescapable.  If felt so real.  As real as the pocket 10’s in the folds of my hands.

I reached enlightenment as I sat there holding my cards and staring at all the other players.  I saw them plain as day.  All their tells, all their thoughts, fears, anxieties.  The room became hazy and misty, my head felt light and dizzy.

Me thinking – “Holy crap this is real.  This is so real.  I can feel my own fear.  I can see my own distrust, my own limits!”

I physically felt blocks in front of me preventing myself from moving further.  I hadn’t the faith or the courage.

I understood.  I understood everything.

Okay, now let’s take it a step further.  This dualism that we see everywhere is actually a feedback loop from one unifying, underlining entity.  The “dualistic” part is merely our perceptions trying to rationalize one thing.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction (karma).  The reactions will keep happening until there is homeostasis – peace.  In order for these exchanges to happen, it must sprout from one continuous, harmonious cycle of energy in flux and flow and in communion with itself.

This is done with the help of a feedback loop.  Our current actions shape our futures and those futures direct our present moment.  It feeds back into itself.  Like an ouroboros.

If we are aware enough to visualize our futures and take the appropriate actions needed to achieve those visualizations, the feedback loop will reciprocate and good karma will come of it.  You don’t have to be compassionate, giving or enlightened – as long as you believe in yourself and have faith, you can achieve anything.

When faith outweighs the fear…

But if you do achieve success while being unenlightened, you won’t have peace.  You’ll still have to deal with the universe throwing you curve balls trying to wake you up – but at that point you’ll have so much success that your ego blocks everything out.  You may even end up losing your entire empire if it’s being loosely held together with ego, fear and control.

Inside all physical reality exists a piece of the spiritual and inside the spiritual exists a piece of the physical.  They exist simultaneously.  The physical acting as a mirror, a shadow from the infinite expansion of the spiritual.

We can effect the feedback loop because the feedback loop is dependent on the sum of it’s parts.  It is a living, breathing mechanism that we are all a part of.

If God creates everything in the universe, and we stop worshiping the teapot instead of drinking the tea – we can create too.

Skeptic – “Why would God create poison berries and plant them next to edible berries?”

Me – “That’s the duality that shapes us.  Fear shapes us and keeps us alive, aware and evolving.  You can never have one without the other.  You should never judge one as being “bad” while the other “good.”  They are both one and the same energy of nature.

Skeptic – “But what about all that garbage you said earlier about having faith and no fear?  You would end up eating the poison berries yourself you fool!”

Me – “Okay shut your pie hole and listen up.  You have to accept and respect natures process.  It humbles you by doing so.  Being knowledgeable and utilizing that knowledge is how we evolve our brains.  The poison berries serve their purpose in the world.  If you want to test your faith, go ahead and eat them.  It weeds out all the arrogant gluttons.”

The meek shall inherit the earth.

Skeptic – “Okay wise ass what about parasites?  All they do is feed off their host.  How’s there any purpose in that?  What do they give back?”

Me –  “A parasite feeds for survival and by them feeding, subtle changes take place in their host that leads them into developing a series of complicated evolutionary leaps that both evolves and strengthens their immunity. And as we evolve, so does the parasite.”

(That’s why antibiotics are bad.  We stop evolving and the parasite keeps growing.  And our eyes are getting weaker because we insist on wearing sunglasses!  Our DNA actually changes when we put on a pair of shades and that DNA is passed down to our children.  Do I personally wear sunglasses?  Of course I do!  They make me look cool and mysterious;)

There is no good or evil, nothing is ever all black or all white.  There’s only awareness and using that awareness to see how everything fits into place.

Contrasts create beauty.  Contrasts teaches us choice and free will.  They form our individuality, our self-awareness and our ability to create.  Contrasts helps us in distinguishing what’s what.

The illusion of duality is necessary to sharpen us, or to smooth us – depending on your role in the great almighty rock tumbler.  Labeling something as being evil is a sharp judgement and an arrogant unaware reaction to an undesirable retribution of karma.  Learn to let it go.  Let go or make war.

Judgement serves in protecting ourselves.  Whether it protects our ego’s or our lives – we manage to stay ahead and in control.  This is how all species survives.

We must separate ourselves from the animals by using our self-awareness.  That is the only thing that separates us from them.  And once we find it, there will be peace.

The crazy part is, we NEED those sharp people in the tumbler as much as they need us!  They need to feel loved and accepted as much as we need to be polished from the pain they inflict.  It’s the yin and the yang, the snake eating its tail.  David would not be David without Goliath.  Goliath was just as much a part of the sacred, blessed light as David – so much so that he can be hailed as a martyr.  His death created a great man and all he got in return was hate, judgement and blame for all of eternity.  Who’s the real hero in the story?

Once you see duality as being the one infinite conscious energy that it is, you’ll be out of the blame game of hate.  You will learn and understand compassion in its entirety.

And seeing how all this fits / plays together so simply, astounds me.  There is no longer a blank day in my life where I don’t find myself being astounded over something.  I’m blessed.  I’m freaking blessed!

Anyway, I made it into being one of the last 7 players in the poker tournament.  There were about 40 of us at the beginning.  Not bad for a first timer.

Mellie likey poker.

Muah ha ha.  Is this my angle for world domination?  Eh hem, I mean living a quiet peaceful life?

If you’ve read all this than bravo.  You get a lolly.

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Melanie’s astral projections, meeting her monk spirit guide and letting her ego die by letting go

I’m notorious for having weird dreams and last night was no exception.  I did not smoke pot nor did I ingest any type of drug besides nicotine (which was probably the culprit).

I dreamt I was living in a quaint seaside town, a place familiar to me (I’ve been there many times before in dreams). I knew where the mall was, the casino, the eatery, etc.  I also knew where the shaman lived.  The towns shaman brewed a medicine that looked and tasted like warm milk.  After you drink it, it releases you from your physical body and you are set free to enjoy the spirit world.

It was exactly like ayahuasca, only it wasn’t.

Everyone in town grew up drinking the shamans brew.  It was part of their everyday life and never considered it a profound experience.  It was like vacationing in Florida, fun but not profound.  Drink the medicine, leave your body, visit different worlds.  This is the way of the universe.

I had a memory of me and my mother going to see the shaman so we can drink the liquid together.  She said we were taking a vacation and this was the easiest way to do it.  But I wanted to be on my own this time, so I went to the teahouse to see the shaman by myself.

I waited my turn and when it was finally time, the shaman nonchalantly handed me the cup of warm white liquid.  I drank it down, thanked him, and walked away knowing that the medicine wouldn’t take effect for a few more minutes.  I needed to find a place to settle my body before the journey.

But the medicine hit me so hard that I collapsed where I stood in the hallway of the teahouse.  This was a common thing and again, not a big deal to the townspeople.

I found myself sinking down into darkness.  This is when I became lucid.

Me thinking – “Oh man, here we go again.  I’m too tired for this..”

I started flying down a wormhole at light speed as I’ve done so many times before (I’m always lucid when this happens).  I thought about all the possible worlds I could end up in and hoped it wasn’t taking me to a hell world.  After talking to people who drank ayahuasca, it’s quite common to end up there.

I was too tired to wake myself up.  I wasn’t scared enough to want to wake up.  Plus I was curious to see why I was being called out again.  I said my prayers and asked not to be brought to a dark place.

I’m not sure where I ended up to be honest.  This is the first time I had a muddled out of body experience.  I remember bits and pieces of it, but for the most part I felt drugged.  There was a tidal wave sloshing around back and forth in my head.

I landed safely in some world outside our dimension.  I was in what looked like a library.  I walked around dazed for a little bit, looking around wondering why I was there.  That’s when I met a regular looking guy in his 40’s or 50’s who smiled at me and asked, “Do you know who I am?”

Me – “You are me.”

I figured that he was probably a manifestation of my thoughts brought to life, he was only my imagination.  But then he said something so profound that I was left feeling confused wondering how in God’s graces my brain could ever think up what he just said.  I thought long about this.  I spent so long thinking about it, wondering if he was a real spirit guide or just my imagination, that I completely forgot what his profound insight was.  He was trying to warn me about something.

I was then whisked away in an instant, being taken to yet another teacher.  He was a thin monk dressed in buddhist robes.  I don’t remember exactly what he said to me, but what I do remember is him telling me that I’m God – not thee God, but A God.  I had complete control over everything.

He sat in his chair while looking me up and down assessing what I needed.  He had a kind face, but it wasn’t smiling.  His face was so kind he didn’t need to smile.  After examining me, he knew what needed to be done.

Him – “You need to believe that you have full control.”

Me – “How?  I don’t understand how to do it?”

Monk – “We need to reprogram your brain.”

And that’s when things got really foggy.  The old monk did something to me.  Waves of white light flushed out my vision.  I clutched the sides of my head and closed my eyes.  I literally felt my brain moving inside my skull.  It didn’t hurt, but something physical was definitely happening in there.

I felt drugged up again.  There was a sweeping sensation in my head.  I was lucid and trying to make sense of what I was feeling.  I couldn’t relate it to anything I experienced before.

Me thinking – “Oh my God is this really happening?”

My gut told me that this monk was preparing me for something.  That maybe I’ll be faced with some kind of danger on the Camino.

That’s when the dream faded out and I woke up to my alarm going off, or maybe I woke up earlier than that, I can’t remember.  I was in a funk when I woke.  I think I slept for maybe 2 hours the entire night and during those two hours, I was fully conscious and getting a lobotomy.  It was exhausting.

I don’t feel any different today.  I’m much happier than I was yesterday I can tell you that.  Yesterday sucked something awful, sorry for the depressing post that came from it.

Anyway, today I’m ecstatic!  I made $240 and added another regular – possibly two new regulars to my clientele.  And I got to talk to my bff about leaving me out of vacationing with her.  It’s all aired out, all the dirty laundry.  And so I’m pretty damn happy today.

My brain is still acting and thinking in the same patterns.  If that old monk was for real, than this won’t be the last time I see him.  He didn’t get all the gunk out of me head.

After being awakened with ayahuasca, I saw the universe for what it really is.  And even after being granted that knowledge, I’m still unable to let go.  Letting go feels like dying.

When I was high on pot (pot is great for meditation!), I wanted to find the place of no thought.  But I couldn’t achieve it no matter how much I tried.  Something was holding me back.  I asked myself why?  Why can’t I let go?  And that’s when the fear of death crept over me.  All my fears revolve around the fear of death.  But it’s a universal fear – we are all afraid to die.

Even though I was sitting comfortably, my body being completely relaxed, safe and healthy – When I let go of all thought, it’s actually my “self” that dies, not the body, but my identity.  Everything I learned from past experiences along with all hopes for my future – all of it wiped clean away.  If I have no past or future, the me that I think I am no longer exists.  I no longer have control over anything, I only need to trust and believe.

This is loss of ego and it can be terrifying.  But with this loss comes with it an understanding of all things.  It’s terrifying until it happens, then your realize there was nothing to be afraid of – the same goes for actual physical death of your body.  Once you let go of yourself, you become one with everything.  It’s one of the base layers of awareness.

When I was under ayahuasca, she showed me that I belong here in the universe.  That I’m not separate from it, I am a part of it.

The thoughts that arise during meditation are important.  The reason why they weigh on your mind is because you haven’t dealt with them yet.  You may think you have, but you only placed them in the ongoing loop of rationalization.  When people don’t understand something, their rational mind digs for answers.  Using a shovel to dig through water doesn’t work – but rowing moves you to wherever you want.  Move past it!  Accept that it’s there, then move past.  Or better yet, stay for a while and let the current take you.

People think that the best way to deal with a problem is to understand it.  Once you understand, you are then able to let go – well, that’s the popular belief at least.

If you don’t understand an issue in your life, you become attached to it with fear.  Fear causes you to think.  Fear forces you to seek understanding.

In my humble opinion, what it really means to “deal with your problems,” is just another way of saying “accepting your problems”.  When you deal with something, you accept it.  And by accepting it, you remain humble.

This is the opposite of what most people are taught.  Not so much taught, but fell into.  Letting fear of the unknown direct your next move, not being able to Let Go and Let God.  Controlling the situation, the people, the outcome, and for what?  What’s it all for?  In the grand scope of things, does it really matter that much?

Irrational controlling lady – “This is unAcceptable!  No, I can’t have this.”

Voice of reality – “Well lady you’re just going to have to deal with it.”

This is suffering.

This is why we’re here and it’s something we all have to deal with.  By being humble, you hold yourself responsible and accept everything that happens to you.  By remaining in your ego, you will never accept anything that you can’t understand (or control).  You hold onto your self and your identity.  Never letting go of the past or what may come of the future.  This denial is the root of all mental illness (unless you were hit on the head really hard).

Suffering happens when you hold onto the person you once were.  You suffered a loss that changed you, not only you, but your world.  When your past self meets your new self, it creates friction.  Our ego can’t let go.  Our ego uses blame and judgement for explanations.  And that form of “understanding” acts as fuel for a faulty power source.  Pulling from the outside and not from within for answers and strength.

I’m not above any of this.  My pot addled brain made me well aware of my inability to let go.

I’m getting goosebumps on my head.

That monk from my dream is trying to awaken my brain into acceptance of all that is.  And once I let go, I can trust and believe in myself to make my life my own.  The ironic thing is, once I let go, only then will the answers and understanding be brought to me.  This is the way things work.  If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself.

All of this sounds familiar to me.  Like I’ve been writing it again and again.  Am I going crazy?  Shhhh, let it go Mel, let it go.

That’s the one crappy thing about all of this.  People thinking I’m crazy and that I think too much.

Me #1 – “Just relax, have fun, chill.”

Me #2 – “I do relax, have fun and chill.  I just need to do a few things first.”

Me #1 – “Well when will you be done?  All this exhausts me.”

Me #2 – “I’m so close to getting it, I’m almost there.  Let me just understand a bit more and I’ll join back up with the rest of the world.”

Me #3 – “I’m hungry.”

Me #1 & #2 – “Shut up and deal with it.”

And that’s pretty much how my brain works.  I’ve had that conversation with myself on and off since I was 14.  Whenever I felt satisfied with my findings, I’d put everything down and went out to play.

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“Melanie…….oh Melanie……”

I woke up depressed today.  2 out of the 3 times I smoked pot this week, I woke up depressed and exhausted.  At first I blamed it on the weather but no, it’s not the weather.

I don’t think I should smoke so often.  Maybe limit it down to once a month – the last day of each month to decompress and gather myself.  It messes with my serotonin or dopamine levels too much.  I can see why people get hooked.  The physiology of the brain becomes dependent – you don’t become dependent, but your body does.

Waking up depressed regresses me back into my box.  I fall into zombie mode.

I’m okay now that it’s almost 1:30 pm, but waking up anytime before that is a struggle.  I woke up at 8 am and my brain chemicals haven’t had time to adjust.

Pot is definitely a nice sacred herb, but from my experience, it causes depression.  It’s my personal reaction to it, but everyone’s different.

I was high when I wrote that last post, but I still agree with it for the most part.  Spiritual awakening is a real thing.  After writing that post, I tried falling to sleep but got worried about waking up and having that stranger in my bed again.  Not only that, but the top of my head started feeling weird like someone was touching it.  And I became ghastly afraid of hearing my name being called out of nowhere.

My Mother hears my name being called all the time.  Not only my mom, but my aunt hears it too – at the same time!

Mom – “Someone was calling for you today.”

Me – “Who?”

Mom – “It was a man’s voice calling you.  Auntie heard it too.  She was sitting right here next to me.”

Auntie knods her head and said – “We both heard it.”

Mom – “He said, ‘Melanie……Melanie……'”

Me – “Oh great….”

Mom – “It sounded like it was coming from downstairs.”

That happened a while ago, I can’t remember when.  And it happened a few times before that.

And I’ve seen allusive movements in my peripherals.  Movements that happen in wide open space hovering in nothingness, like a translucent flip of something.

I don’t like these things.  I’m going out tonight drinking and emptying my mind of it all.  I want to be normal for a while.

I’m waiting in work for my future sister-in-law to get her massage.

Sister-in-law is done.

I pretended like she was my real sister while giving her her massage.  I have an intense imagination and can grasp almost any visualization as if it were truly happening.  And so she was my real sister for 90 minutes.

It was a type of closeness I never felt or had with anyone.  I cradled her head in my hand while I massaged her neck and it felt like tenderness.  I didn’t grow up in tenderness.  It was always gruff and masculine, and so I sunk into meekness hoping that my shyness would spur tenderness in others.

Whenever I find a tender moment of complete trust, love and understanding, it’s like finding that sister moment.  It’s hard to describe, but I’m sure if I really did have a sister, all this appreciation would be taken for granted or nonexistent.

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10 Signs of a Spiritual Awakening

Okay, so I’m high again.  Please don’t judge me.

Anyway, I came across this video on YouTube and WOW, again, total recognition with all of this.  It’s simply mind-blowing and I’m left being amazed all over again.

I have ALL the signs.  I’m not going to get into them one by one, but I assure you, they all apply to me.  I’ve been seeing flashes of light everywhere in my peripherals lately!  It’s gotten to the point where I said to myself – “Okay, what’s going on here.  Am I having mini seizures?  What is this?”  Then I’d go into hypochondriac mode for at least a half hour after seeing these flashes.  But then I’d see movement with no flashes too!

I so badly want to buy a juicer and drink nothing but juice all day.  Everyday.  I’ve been feeling pressure on the top of my head, but I pass it off as having a headache.  I constantly feel creative, inspired and my thoughts DO NOT STOP.

Many things are relating to me on a very profound level! I don’t remember any other time in my life where I’ve felt anything this profound for months at a time.

These signs have been coming and going through-out my entire life.  I pushed them aside and slipped back into my patterns of work and friends.  How was I supposed to know what they were?  I thought I was going crazy!  And the thing about feeling like nobody understands, nobody’s there with me, it all relates.  To me, everybody seems to have a mental illness of some sort and I’m the only one left standing.  Do you know how alone that feels?  It sucks, that’s how alone it feels.

And my synchronicity has been off the hook.  It’s like a snowball that keeps coming.  Even now as I sit here texting my brother (who is also enjoying the sacred herb), he texted me while my phone was on silent, flipped face-down far away from reach.  I didn’t hear it go off, but what do I do?  I felt someone trying to reach me, so my intuition grabbed my phone a  moment after I received his text.  Which turned out to be a long philosophical discussion about confronting your demons.  My brother is seeking answers too!

My mind is blown.  Blown!

Honestly if it weren’t for the internet, I would still be asleep.  By asleep I mean, unenlightened.  There are so many layers!  It’s so easy to just forget everything, to put it all down, pack it away and find a mate, someone to love – if only to end the loneliness and these supposedly “crazy” notions.

The crazy thing is, I can choose!  I have a choice in the matter.  Just about everybody chooses to stay asleep.

I’m coming down off the pot.  I really need to sleep.  I just need to add that that Ikebana stuff is really intense.  If you understand Ikebana, you will get closer to awakening I promise.

There are people who are so concise in demonstrating truths that it feels to me like complete mastery of the mind.  That’s how I want to be when I write.  Anything that is written out of ego, is not good writing.  Same with Ikebana.  You put yourself aside and let that flower arrangement make its own statement.

I need to write about the reason we judge others, but I’ll save it for a different day.  Okay brain time to cool it.  I’m publishing this post, sorry for the typo’s or any errors in syntax.  Syntax are my greatest folly.  I just really  need to sleep.

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Melanie’s Pervert Policy

Okay, so I’m a massage therapist with my own practice and few days ago an old man exposed his withered manjigglies to me.  I’m not embellishing when I say that my stomach contents rose up to touch my tonsils.  I became worried that once the vomit passed my tonsil threshold, it will land on his own two dangling tonsils that lay between his legs under a flap of flab.

He came in bearing his own washcloth from home.

Dirty old man – “I have restless leg syndrome so I can’t have anything on my legs.”

Me – “Huh….”

Dirty old man – “I brought my own towel for draping.”

He had a folded washcloth in his lap.

Me – “How big is it?” (I meant the washcloth)

Him – “Well, I brought two different sizes in case you’re not comfortable with this one.”

Me – “Do you wear underwear?”

Him – “No.”

I told him there’s no way I’m going to massage him using only a towel for a barrier, and he clearly got upset but wanted the massage anyway.  It was during the massage when he exposed himself.  It’s horribly disrespectful and annoying.  It’s more annoying than anything to deal with someone like that.

I had a cancelation in work today, so I made a few improvements to my business’ webpage.  I added a few new pages, one being a Pervert Policy.  I don’t care if it’s not professional.  I don’t give a shit quite honestly.  I’m someone with little patience and can get quite aggravated and snarky – actually making fun of these people to their faces.  This is something that I have to NOT do.  I must avoid bringing this frustrated Melanie to life.

Here’s what my Pervert Policy looks like on my business site:

PERVERT POLICY

me and mom

See that?  That’s a picture of me with my Mother when I was a wee little lass.  Aren’t I cute?  If you look close enough, you can see that I’m actually somebody’s daughter.

I’m also somebody’s kid sister.

me and fran

Please keep that in mind if your intensions are not pure and you’re planning on taking advantage of this wee little runt.

Pervert Policy #1 – I will NOT answer calls from blocked phone numbers.  You can leave me a message with your name and number so I can call you back.  This is my first line of defense since perv’s typically don’t leave numbers.

Pervert Policy #2 – If you do get me on the phone, questions about draping is a RED FLAG that you are a perv.  I don’t and will NEVER drape using towels.  I use sheets and only sheets.  Haranguing me about this only amplifies your pervertedness and you will get hit with snarky remarks because I can do that.  I’m the business owner.  Also asking me what kind of lotions or oils I use, I found to be an indicator of perversion also .  Why this is?  I have no idea.

Pervert Policy #3 – I can refuse service to ANYONE at any time before or during the massage without giving an explanation.  If you want an explanation, please refer to my Pervert Policy.

These policies are enacted as a way to preserve the sweet innocence of the child pictured above and below.

cute lil me

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Real Vampires?

English: blood, human, splatter, drops

English: blood, human, splatter, drops (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sometimes I type in weird search terms to see what comes up. Last night I typed in “What happens to you if you drink human blood?”

And I got directed to a forum of freaks. Here are the top two freaks:

Peter I would suggest you check out these sites vampirewebsite.net and izidari.blogspot.com it may seam far fetched but do the research those sites should help. They helped me I’m not gothic emo or anything of the sort. I drink blood I get it from a clean source, and no It doesn’t make me ill actually quite the opposite gives me strenght and it keeps me foucsed also my skin takes on a much healthier glow see normally I’m really pale.. any who I hope those sites help you.. =) I know a lot of people reading this are already thinking I’m looney tunes but I’m not I’ve been to a psychitrist I’m sane but I am a real vampire, and no not like the myths and foklore, and I won’t die without blood but I won’t be in best health… oh and peter before jumping to conclusions really read those sites and be honest with yourself and ask many questions before you go around claiming to be a real vampire..

Read more: What happens if you drink your blood or someone else’s? How will it affect your health? | Answerbag http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/1068142#ixzz2MfwvbUYm

And number two:

well i dont know waht is rong with me cous i have neaver hade a craving for blood or wanted to be a vampir like this so if there is any one out there that can exsplain to me what is happing to me i will be happy

Read more: What happens if you drink your blood or someone else’s? How will it affect your health? | Answerbag http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/1068142#ixzz2Mfx8efU5

I got bloody noses constantly as a kid and so I drank my fair share of blood. Tilting my head back only to have it drain down my throat is not considered a fond memory.

Anyway, I have tons to write but no time to write it in. This week I’m completely booked up again. I seriously want to cry. It’s never ending. The best visual that captures what I’m feeling is one of tossing a nickel into a bottomless wishing well.

If only I can drink a little blood to get me through the week….

Does menstrual blood count? I can suck on a tampon like a popsicle. Would that make me a cool vampire?  Would Bella from Twilight still look sexy if she was caught sucking on a fat super plus until it ran white?

Wow Mel, you nasty.

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Melanie tackles karma and the Higgs Boson. What’s the Higgs you say? Only the answer to everything!

I understand Karma and it’s not as simple as you may think.  Well, it IS simple, but the way we learn it is far different from what it actually is.  We understand the simple definition of karma which is that by doing good, good things happen.  But that’s just the tip, and nobody likes just the tip of anything.  If people knew what’s really going on behind the curtain, life gets a hell of a lot more interesting!

I’ll try to explain it as simply as I can for my sake, not yours.  Complicated crap never sticks in my brain.

Doing good deeds solely for the prospect of being rewarded is not how karma works.  If you do good only to gain respect and admiration from people, that is the false illusion of ego, not the transcendent ways of karma.

When I was in the spirit realm with ayahuasca, she told me that we are all here to evolve.  We are here to grow and strengthen.  There’s no other purpose other than that.

Me – “No other purpose?”

Aya – “No other purpose.”

Me – “But why?”

Aya – “To be strong for others on their journey.”

Me – “But why?”

Aya – “We can only evolve together.”

Me – “But why evolve?  What for?”

Aya – “……”

I was starting to piss her off.

This is a karma-based universe.  All laws of physics are born and reproduced using karma’s universal law that guides us towards God.  We are pre-programed in our souls DNA to reach the heights of our higher being.  The more curious we are, the more answers we seek, all the more sooner we reach our collective destination.  But we have to do it together.  There is no other way because we are in essence, an integral part in shaping the realities of those around us.  Our worlds collide and our perspectives can either clash, maintain, or evolve into a fruitful understanding of each other and seeing the true face of existence.

Cultivating compassion-driven relationships with the common goal of having a win-win friendship, aligns your soul with good karma.  When one person dominates, it becomes win-lose.  Where there is judgement, there is blame and anger – absence of compassion.  To have unconditional love for others is what aligns your soul towards reaching a higher conscious state.

Actually, there is no such thing as good or bad karma, karma is only karma.  If things go bad, it’s merely a push, a reminder for you to get back on path.  If the bad karma persists, it means you have not learned your lesson yet.  What you resist persists and the universe wishes to teach and strengthen.  It will keep pushing and pushing, digging you deeper and deeper until the turning point of release – relinquishing you of all control and fear.

Karma tries to teach you to release the things that don’t matter.  Releasing the fear-bound needs of the ego.  It does so by using emotions.  The stronger the emotion, the more you need to let it go.  Enjoy happiness when it comes your way, but that too needs to be released.  But you can only release it with knowledge.  Humbly learning and admitting to your fears and weaknesses, not trying to control anything, or hold onto things.  Learning your deepest intensions is the best medicine for curing any negative karma.

Self awareness is key.

The deeper you go into awareness, the more of the world  you see.  You take the blinders off and start seeing the real miracle of us being here.  You appreciate merely existing.

Anyway, I need to figure something out here and the best way to do that is by writing about it.  I feel like my eyes are open, but my physical self is holding on too tight.  Hinduism believes that undergoing a pilgrimage cleanses the soul and allows in good karma.  It’s like a walking confessional.  Each step you take gets you closer to liberation, closer to your primal, universal soul.

I feel I’m so close, only inches away from everything.  My life is formless, it’s a vapor of evolution.  What I want it to be, whatever I want it to represent – I can manifest.  I only have to believe.  I have to believe in myself.

Karma has a way of telling me that I don’t think much of myself.  That I don’t have a whole lotta self esteem or confidence.  That’s partly why I allowed in emotional abuse and why I stayed so long in crummy jobs.

There was this one job I had at Lavender Fields day spa where I was paid $10 an hour to give massages and when I wasn’t giving massages, I cleaned the bathrooms, made phone calls and sent out mailings.  All for ten stinking dollars an hour – before taxes!  The owner was a bizarre woman on top of everything else.  She tried being funny by being vulgar.

Her – “It smells like rotten vagina in here!”

Me – “…….”

She is no Sarah Silverman.  Sarah Silverman isn’t even Sarah Silverman all the time.

I worked there out of fear.  Fear of not having a job – any job.  And so I settled for shit.  I settled for shit because that’s what I thought I was worth.

Finally I put in my two weeks, and started work at Massage Envy for $15 an hour.  $15 an hour is still shit, but everybody was super nice and I was comfortable there.  Plus it was the birth place of my blog.

I stayed there and sunk into my laziness and contented self.  My addictions and going out with friends depressed my creativity and spiritual growth.  I knew I couldn’t stay there forever.  Nothing was happening, I wasn’t progressing. I gotten lazy and became lost in knowing what to do next.  I was going to go back to school, but K begged me to go to Nepal with her.  So I put off school and went to Nepal.  I went there to seek answers, maybe find my path.  I sought answers, and those answers came in the form I was not expecting.  Those answers wanted me to change my beliefs, change my entire perception of myself and people.  The answers wanted me to change my life.

It’s so strange looking back on everything.  Like it was slowly snowballing.  My whole life was snowballing into a climax.  I climaxed on the threshold of pain, of not seeing reality, of feeling like I was nothing to nobody.  Every day I built my house of cards that collapsed on the slightest tremble.  And I was trembling.

Beer made it possible for me to keep rebuilding my house of cards.  Beer made it easier to deal with everything collapsing over and over again.

Now there’s nothing to collapse.  It’s not an absence of anything – it’s more like having an acceptance of the things I can’t control.  The deck of cards represented my beliefs – my limiting beliefs in thinking that my answers and salvation are only to be found from an outside source.  I built my house in order for others to see my potential and swoop in to rescue me.  I was not a whole person yet.  I didn’t believe in myself.

Life is truly amazing once you start seeing the patterns.  And once you see the patterns, you can see where you need to change.  You can see what limiting beliefs you have to let go of.  The problem with all that is that people are too lazy to change.  They get stuck in a routine, becoming animatron drift woods of habit.  Finding solace in addictions and finding their worth in the eyes of others.  Their lives have no fundamental equilibrium.  No ground, no real safety – only the facade of safety.  No matter how hard they try, they can’t recreate their carefree days of childhood.

Everyone is so scared to trust themselves.  That’s what my karma is trying to teach me.  To be confident and have faith in myself.

Me – “But wouldn’t that just make me a stubborn asshole that refuses to listen to other people?  Isn’t that what I want to avoid?”

Karma – “You will not become a stubborn asshole as long as you remain compassionate.”

Me – “But wouldn’t that just make me a patronizing pedantic asshole that pities people who aren’t as “evolved” as myself?”

Karma –  “Stay humble and compassionate.  Don’t talk too wise or think you know it all because honey, no matter how smart you think you are, you still don’t know shit.”

Karma will always find a way to humble you, and it will always find a way to show you your strength.  If you seek change and answers – the universe will provide it by handing you your customized learning experience.  But you have a choice.  There is always a choice.  Do you want change?  Are you brave enough to seek truth?  Do you really want to know your demons?

Once you’re out there living, getting your hands dirty and pushing your faith in God – the world opens up and things begin to loosen and fall.  You fall apart completely and wholly.  Are you ready for that to happen?  Are you ready to face a catastrophe?

The more stuck you are, the more emotionally dammed up you feel – the bigger the catastrophic event.  It needs to happen.  Like tension building on an elastic.  And it will keep happening until you are truly free.  But you have a choice….

So in a nutshell, that’s my take on karma.  For me personally, I’m starting to live by it whether it be fact or fiction.  It brings a new perspective on life and why things happen the way they do – and by seeing everything as a grand learning experience, makes life (to me) absolutely amazing.

Keep asking yourself why.  Why to everything.  Why do I feel this way?  Why am I doing this or why am I not doing that? Why is this happening?  It’s happening for a reason and it’s always for your benefit – always!

I didn’t exactly make all this up.  When you make something up, there’s no substance or belief behind it.  If an author decides to write a book without any feeling put into it, or a shred of truth involving our fallible human ways – the book will suck.

But this is one of those occurrences where I feel it.  It’s again, pulling from the channel that ayahuasca opened in me.

Being compassionate towards others brings them joy, believing in yourself brings you joy.  This is the way of karma, the universal way of finding God.

There’s this thing called the Higgs Boson.  It can be both a particle and a wave which has always baffled me and still continues to baffle me – but I won’t get into that.  The Higgs is a theoretical energy field that permeates everything including the vaccuum of space.  It’s what gives particles their mass (energy).  It basically brings everything into existence.  Many physicists call it the God particle, and many others say “It’s not God!  It’s just another damn particle that happens to tie everything together and explain once and for all why and how we exist – but it’s not God!”

I hate to ramble, but I just want to point out that when physicists look for a particle, they find it – like it intentionally pops into existence just for them – just by the weight of their thoughts.  As long as they have the right tools to detect it, they find it.  This Higgs field, in theory, connects EVERYTHING in the universe.  There is no gap between space.  It’s the field where prayers are heard and answered.  It’s the immaculate design of existence.

I agree with the scientists who say it’s only another particle yet to be discovered.  Just a tool, another building block to get closer to understanding.  Thats all true, but like with anything – this particle can be whatever you want it to be.  Just the same as a blade of grass is proof enough that life is a miracle, or it can just be another blade of grass with its existence being rather common and explanatory.  The only dividing factor is, do you feel numb to this spectacular show?  Or does everything deeply touch and move you?  I choose to be touched.  I choose to feel.

What gives grass its life?  The atoms and the particles, the energy from the sun.  What gives those particles their energy?  We don’t know, but for some reason, it’s not considered a miracle because everything we see can be explained with science.

It’s so funny to watch these scientists go deeper and deeper into understanding, and the deeper they go, the more curious and passionate they become.  It’s not just about seeking answers, but finding out the true nature of existence – we are so close!  And the scientists feel it, they know something is looming over the horizon.

Many scientists believe that the Higg’s has to exist.  They even use it in the standard model equation that can precisely calculate anything in the universe other than gravity.  It can tell you why the sky’s blue, or why our DNA is shaped the way it is – all can all be explained with this equation.  And it uses the God particle to fill in the missing blanks.  The God particle that does not go against the Newtonian laws of energy that states it cannot be created or destroyed.

This stuff is cool isn’t it?  Come on now, I’m an undereducated massage therapist who admits she has her failings.  I may not be able to understand the exact science of it all, but the simple idea of it – the simplicity is there and I understand that.  Can’t I marvel at the possibility that yes, we are all gods, all creators of the universe that just recently found our paintbrush – we found our medium that coalesces our souls into interstellar oneness.  Can’t I have fun with that idea without sounding like a bible thumping, narrow-minded, unilluminated believer of fantasy?

I’ll end this post by explaining to you how a particle can also be a wave.  When particles are in wave form, essentially they are smudged in a non-local dimension of possibilities.  They take on the shape of particles only when they are being watched by the human eye.  The person looking at it brings it into existence and localizes it, unsmudging the possibilities.

And this isn’t science fiction, it’s fact!

Anyway, that’s a hell of a lot to think about.  What’s the point of thinking about any of this?  I like to think it makes us lucid.  More able to shape our lives.  It also puts us in a place where we can understand the great philosophers and poets.  We become awake as they are.  We become as creative as they are.

I have an unnerving amount of clients for the next 14 days.  I’m averaging over 6 hours of massage a day.  No time for anything except work.  I love my job, but hate it when it’s on this high of a caliber.  It has taken me at least 5 days writing this post.  I can only do it five minutes at a time in-between clients.

My entries may be spaced out and sparse until March 6, when my groupons expire.

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Melanie’s Bizarre Dream Involving Rape and Orgies

I wrote that last post exhausted.  I hit the publish button and two minutes later I was snoozing.

The dream that followed was like nothing I ever experienced.  I don’t know what to make of it, so I’m sticking it here in my blog.  Hopefully one day I can make sense of it because as of now, I haven’t got a clue.

I woke up at 4am and scooped up my notebook on the shelf beside me.  I was extremely tired and barely able to keep my eyes open, but I had to write it all down as best I could.  I’m going to try to recreate it for my future self to decode.

The dream started off with me on my computer looking at YouTube video’s.  I stumbled upon a reality TV sitcom about a hilarious family living their normal everyday lives.  They were extremely likable people, and I remember laughing myself silly watching their simple day to day routine.  They were a bunch of comedians.  They weren’t exactly a family, but a group of people living together like in a commune.  It was almost like watching MTV’s Real World, only funnier.

Me – “Oh man I wish I could meet these people.  I wish I had friends like that.”

I got the feeling they were celebrities on the internet.  Everyone loved these people and so I became fixated on them.

I don’t know how it happened, but next thing I know, I’m standing outside their house being greeted by them.  They invited me into their home and wanted me to stay indefinitely.

They were the most amazing people I ever met, and their house was actually a ginormous mansion.  The colors were so vivid – wood floors so shiny it was like a Pledge commercial.  Everything was spotless and decorated to perfection.  I remember this one sitting room in perticular.  It had no walls, only windows over-looking the most majestic view of the valley below which consisted of lush greenery, mountainous backdrop and a river or a lake.  The room also had a large antique wooden desk, also polished to perfection – on it sat a golden globe of earth.  It was so picturesque – so pristine.

There was a cute man living there, two hilarious women that you wanted to keep as your best friends forever, an older gentlemen and an older woman who was an actual actress in real life, but I can’t remember who she was.  She looked like the woman who played the villian in Narnia.

Anyway, I was welcomed into their family with open arms.  They all truly loved me and everything couldn’t have been more spectacular until I saw a dog chained up in a small room.  It made me a little uneasy seeing him there like that.  I had the feeling that he’s always chained up and neglected.

I knelt down and started petting him.  He wagged his little tail and started licking my face.

“Oh who’s a good boy.  Ohh, goood boy.”

I shouted out to someone – “Hey why do you guys keep this dog chained up all day?”

“Just ignore him, he’s annoying.”

I looked down by his paws and saw on the floor a bunch of tiny crystal spikes.  I picked one up to examine it more closely.  It was a spike with four wheels attached to it, so the spike always faces upward and can be hard to topple over.  It was meant for someone to step on and get hurt.

“What the hell?”

They were everywhere.  Scattered all around the little chained dog.  I looked at his paws and saw them bloody.  Leaving a bloody streak on the nicely polished floor.

At this point I became confused.  Confused as if I was on drugs.  I tried standing up, but was unable to.  My body wasn’t cooperating.

Then the older woman was on top of me.

“There there now don’t move, don’t worry.  Everything is all right.”

Me – “What’s going on?  What’s happening?”

“Shhh.”

She hushed me and started rubbing herself against me in a sexual way.  Then all the rest of the commune stood by and watched.  That’s when it dawned on me that I was drugged and was about to get raped.

Me thinking – “Wait, I love these people!  Maybe I’ll like it.”

I felt her body up against mine and a split second later I knew for certain.

“No, no I definitely don’t like it.  I don’t like it!”

I have never fought so hard in a dream before.  I screamed and wailed like never before.  Everything I had in me, all my reserve strength, I used it to get away.  I pleaded “No please god no don’t do this.  Please don’t do this NO!”  I cried like a baby and looked over at the two girls that I considered my new best friends.  I saw guilt in their eyes.  They wanted me to escape, but showed no sign of helping me.  They felt sorry for me and their eyes urged me to find my own strength to escape.

I broke free and started running for my life – like an ax murderer was out to get me.  It felt as though the others let me escape – that they felt guilty for torturing me and so they backed off.  But I also knew they weren’t going to let me go that easily.  I ran outside in the rain.  It was dark and there was a muddy hill next to the mansion.  I thought that if I tumbled down that muddy hill, I can get further away from the house and get myself good and muddy to better conceal myself in the woods.

And honestly I must say that that was actually a good idea!  Thinking back on it now, I have no idea how I thought of it.  I was hyperventilating at that point.  I never hyperventilated in my life until I experienced it in this dream.  I couldn’t catch my breath, I heard myself wheezing like I had asthma.  I rolled myself down the muddy hill and landed in somebody’s garden.

I saw the older man jogging down the hill after me.  He was wearing overalls and looking like a farmer.  I hid in the bushes and prayed that the camouflage worked, which it did for a while.  The chase continued for a while, but I don’t remember much of it only that they caught me in the end.

The whole group pulled me into the house.  They were being kind, not violent.  I was still drugged up and felt lethargic until I was taken into a room full of mirrors and locked inside.  This is when I became lucid – I became aware that I was dreaming.

Me – “Whoa this is wild.”

Now here’s where things get weirder.  My lucid self detached from my dream self.  I split into two people.  I looked at my dream self, the girl I was during the dream, and I was looking at the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life.  She was no longer covered in mud, but wearing a sky-blue dress made of silk.  Her skin like porcoline.

I was tempted to look into the mirror at my real, lucid self.  I never looked into a mirror during a lucid dream.  It’s a bit scary, but I did it anyway knowing full well there’s nothing to fear, nothing that can harm me.  I looked at myself and what I saw was my worst nightmare.  Every flaw embellished.  My skin sagging, my eyes drooping and sad.  I looked to be 100.

Me – “Is this how I really see myself?  Is this who my subconscious is afraid to be?”

I was completely coherent, unafraid, merely marveling at this new insight into what this image conveys.  What does it mean?  Am I scared of how I look?

During this time, I was talking to my beautiful self.  She was assuring me not to worry.  She looked at herself in the mirror with confidence and knowing.

Me – “What is it that you’re doing that I’m not doing?  Maybe if I gain your confidence, I can see myself beautiful as well?”

She turned to walk off to check the door handle, but I told her to get back over here and stare in the mirror with me.

I looked at myself and started feeling the confidence needed to change my appearance.  And very slowly it was happening.  I was looking younger, my face taking shape, eyes lifting, but then I looked over at my beautiful self and just as my image was improving, hers was deteriorating.

Me – “What’s happening?”

Her – “I don’t know.  Stop looking in the mirror.”

She started getting scared and wanted me to stop.  Then the door flew open and the family of assailants came barging in.  I merged back into the beauty and was picked up by everyone, like I was crowd surfing over them.  They were careful not to hurt or drop me.  It really did feel like they cared about me.

The drug was really kicking in, I was ready to stop fighting.  I was no longer lucid.

Me – “Be gentle.  Be gentle.”

Older lady- “Just wait until I ram you.”

She slapped my leg and told the others – “I like them young and thin.  They’re easier to carry.”

Meaning that I wasn’t the first they kidnapped to partake in a crazy rape orgy.

That’s when things got foggy, but I somehow managed to escape again.  I ran outside, down that same hill as before and ran for the road.

I wasn’t in my perspective anymore, I wasn’t me.  Instead, I was watching the assailants trying to find me, like I was watching a movie.  They were sincerely worried about me.  They knew how drugged up I was, and it would be easy for me to get lost or hurt.  They searched frantically trying to find me.

There was a stopped firetruck with its lights flashing in the road.  A few police men ambling about, and a body laying flat on the pavement in front of the firetruck.  I was killed by the firetruck!

The commune saw what was going on and tried fleeing the scene back into their mansion, but cops were blocking their way.  That’s when I woke up.

This dream wasn’t anything like being projected into another dimension (I had those before and I don’t consider them dreams, but an alternate reality).  There was no evil presence, or good presence.  Everything came entirely out of my own head.  I know this because a lot of the dream contained thoughts and images I had during the day.  I was thinking about orgies because of George Orwell’s book, 2012.  And I was thinking about the Hunger Games and that’s why I felt hunted in the woods.

But the dream must symbolize something.  It feels symbolic.

It was very long.  I felt like I was dreaming for over an hour.  Just before going to sleep, I had taken a tylenol PM and vaped much of my electronic cigarette.  Plus the two nights prior I barley slept and had ridiculous amounts of clients.  I was so beat before falling to sleep.

I’m beat now.  Today was yet another crazy work day.  There’s stuff that happened today that I want to write about, but I have no time nor energy.  Its 2:40am on Monday morning – my day off.  Super exhausted.  I wasn’t going to write about this dream, but once I have my laptop in front of me, it’s hard to shy away.

I can’t keep my eyes open.  I vaped so much of my e cig that I’m destined to have another freaky dream.

Sleep….yum…

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Melanie writes while she’s stoned!

English: Calcified cyst of pineal gland in CT....

English: Calcified cyst of pineal gland in CT. Deutsch: Verkalkte Zyste der Glandula pinealis in der Computertomographie. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My Mother has a 30 pound tumor growing out of the lower right side of her abdomen.  It just hangs there like an obese unborn fetus.

Mom – “I’m finally getting rid of this damn thing!  Isn’t that great?”

She grabs it and jiggles it around.

Me – “Yeah Mom that’s great!  It’s about time.”

Mom – “Have you ever touched it?”

Me – “Ew no I never touched it. Why would I do that?  No way.”

Mom – “Oh come on now don’t be a baby, just touch it, come here touch it.”

Me – “No I don’t want to touch it!  I don’t wanna! Please oh please god no, Momma  NO!”

As I was struggling and saying this, she grabbed my hand and pressed it up against her belly.

Just me and a thin piece of sweater separated us.  I could almost feel the mutant fetus inside her stomach communicating to me telepathically.  “It’s okay dearie, I’m not going to eat you.  Please be a pal and make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?  I’m a growing girl.”

I was reminded of the YouTube video of the fat lady with three demons in her stomach.

Me – “Ugh, no waahaa.  No wh-wh-why-eee-eee.”

I literally squealed as if I was being tortured by a sadist putting my finger in a cigar cutter.  Seriously, I sounded no different than if I was about to have my finger severed.  I squealed, stomped my feet and turned my head away.

Again, is it my inhibitions holding me back?  If I learned to let them go, would I actually enjoy feeling my mother’s obese 30 pound fetus monster?  Or is it about people disrespecting my boundaries?

These are some heavy questions.

Mom – “Geez you’re such a baby.  You’re just like your father.”

Anywho, in other news…

Today was an unexpected treat out of the ordinary.  I had the entire day off!  My phone rang like an angry bitch, but still – an entire day off!

I hung out with my adorable peruvian client last week.  I get these strange premonitions where I feel it’s important for me to attend certain events.  Like it’s a calling, a destiny or a benchmark in time that will lead to innumerable events that change my life forever.  I felt it when I was asked to go to the Gold Club, I felt it for just about every job I ever had, and now I feel it for the camino.

And it doesn’t just effect my own future, but can effect everyone in my radius.

Or maybe I just have nothing better to do and have nothing holding me back.

Anyway, my little pal wants to do charity work.  That’s an example of what a great person she is.  She asked me to volunteer at a shelter in the Bronx with her today, but it was called off last minute hence the free day today.

So, this free day was a blessing.  It’s already 6:08pm and the day is flying by way too fast.

“What can I do today that I’ve been putting off?  Oh I know, smoke pot!”

Okay, I’m going to make this quick.  Cannabis Sativa is having a very strong pull on me recently.  You know, the Mary Jane, the Devils Lettuce, the wacky tobaccki that Mathew Mcconaughey smoked in that one movie he was actually good in.  Yeah, that stuff.

There are so many healing benefits to smoking weed.  It is shown to grow new brain cells and even fight cancer!

The main reason why I want to romp around with Cheech & Chong is for the spiritual benefits.  When I was doing ayahuasca, the DMT from the medicine activated my pineal gland.  People from all around the world has singled out the pineal gland as being the third eye (it actually has a lens, cornea and retina).  Descartes described it as the seat of the soul.  It’s said to be the place where the soul enters and leaves the body.

Can this also be said about Mom’s monster tumor fetus?  Only the fetus know’s that answer.

I’m very sensitive to what goes on in my pineal gland.  I have crazy experiences that happen without any facilitator let alone ayahuasca.  Weird things happen to me and I have no idea why.

Pot is one such facilitator in activating the pineal gland.  It facilitates it by raising melatonin up by 4000%.  Melatonin is the pre-cursor to DMT which is released in the pineal gland naturally.

Basically when I smoke pot, I feel I have access to a higher level of awareness.  A place where I can easily read people’s thoughts, emotions and intensions.  I can also visualize stories I’ve never seen, only heard.  I can fully grasp and feel exactly what is happening inside a persons head.  I can whole-heartedly understand them to the point where I can no longer separate myself from their own thoughts.

Weed has a very powerful effect on me, and I’m curious to see if I can manage these higher states of consciousness.  And if maybe I can learn from them.  It brings meditation to a whole new level.  Honestly, I’m just plain old curious.

So I went to Lifestyles today in Waterbury, the armpit of Connecticut, to buy a bong.  On the way there, Bob Marley played on my radio and I felt so hungry that I went through the drive-thru window at taco bell.  I NEVER in my life went to taco bell out of my own volition.  I’m not yet a pot smoker and already I’m morphing into one.

People think of me as a hippie.  I have that hippie vibe.  But I’m not a believer in free love, The Grateful Dead, or floating around everyday in an amniotic fluid haze.  No, I’m not a stereotypical hippie sprouting peace signs and unshaven armpits.  But I am in essence, a true hippie.  I believe in love, peace and higher consciousness.  I’m not bound to greed, power, ego – I don’t care what people think of me, or how they view me.  I’m the real deal.  I want to smoke pot not to escape from anything, but to enhance everything.

However, if I was enhanced when I touched Momma’s chub monster tumor, I don’t think I’d ever recover from that.

Okay I’m High.   It’s 1:23 am and I’m high.  I have to be up at  8am to give 5 massages.  Weird.  Weed is so weird.  I want to eat.  I want to vape my e cig.  I feel like i have to be eating or something.  I’m watching family guy.  okay, so am I meditating and focused?  Am I closer to understanding god?  weed is nothing compared to ayahuasca.  diffinately not the same thing.  I can not think straight when i smoke weed.  i got caught up with too many distractions.  i feel i can reach zen right now because i know exactly what would clear my mind.  I know every thought that pops up.  Wow insane.  do I want to reach zen?  so crazy how our minds are so caught up in this physical doo that we can’t let ourselves go.  I see it so clearly.  I cant clear my mind because I’m too scared.  I can’t pin what I’m scared of.  slipping into death is what’s most frightening.

this is strong stuff.  I bought a bong today, never used it before now.  Never had this weed before or any weed for that matter.  I’m a lightweight and very sensitive.

weed takes you wherever you want to go.  whatever you want to think about, it takes you there and immerses.  ripping apart any topic.  Why did I take so many hits?  I’m such an idtiot.  Really.

I know that I’m not typing that well.  I’m not spelling correctly.  I don’t feel like caring.  Stupid weed makes me think way too much.  Okay, so far too me, it feels like weed is a tool for meditation.  To have no thought.  Man I’m so tired!  Weed knocks me out.

Anyway what was I saying?  Oh yeah, total meditation man.  It’s nothing to do with focus though.  Impossible to focus right now.  but weed is helpful in seeing where you’re mind takes you when you aren’t looking.  My real fears in life, my face feeling like a mask as I grow older.

I can hardly keep my eyes open.

What do I really want to do right now?  lets think about this!  It’s 1:40 am and I’m awake.  Why?  I’m exhausted completely, can pass out any minute and yet I’m here typing.  Shit blows my mind.  Shit BLOWS my mind!  I feel I havent consumed enough of the the day yet.  I must eat, I must drink, I’m not satisfied quite yet.  That’s why people have insomnia!  They are unhappy in their lives so they stay up until they feel safe enough to sleep.

Damn I’m having these nutty thoughts that seem so mind blowing, things I wouldve never even considered important, and I’m seeing them now like for the first real time ever.  Like, certain muscles in my body tense up for no reason.  Why?  why those muscles?  Like right now I’m finding it impossible to relax my neck muscles.  I’m afraid to let go.  Afraid very similar to letting zen happen, the nonthought of your brain.  As long as I have thought that I need to get out, or need to consume, I will never be able to loosen my neck muscles.  Holy shit I can type fast!  I mean seriously!  I never noticed this before, but I can type faster than the computer can keep up.  I type a sentence, and there is a small delay to what comes on  the screen.

I’m faster than the computer I’m faster that the computer i can see myself typeing faster that the compter can keep up.

Okay, I’m not that fast.  Well, I don’t know.  It’s not happening now becuase i’m thinking about it too much.  Now it’s not happening.

Super sleepy.  I want to go to sleep, I really do.  So why am I still up?  I’m sorry, call me crazy but this is blowing my mind!  There is not one reason why I should be up.  The fact that this is happening astounds me.

I havent consumed enough.  That’s what it is.  I’m not satisfied.

I need to breathe.

Weed lets me see things differently.  Any way that I want really.  My self, this girl we call Melanie is all jumbled, so I don’t see things the typical Melanie way anymore.  It’s freeing, but confusing as hell.  What to think about is the thing?  Do I have any questions to ask the great and mysterious cannabis plant?

Thats the thing, can’t focus.  My mom made ham and pickle and thats all I can think about.

A while ago I went to Ocean state job lot.  For those not familiar with Ocean State job lot, its like the Ritzy version of a dollar store.  It has the cheapest possible items for the lowest quality.  I bought crackers there last summer and those crackers are sitting on my shelf, opened many months ago and they are gross!   Why am I thinking about eating them?  I worked at a cafe once where I was in charge of cleaning my half of the kitchen.  I had opened boxes of crackers up in the cabinet stored there for maybe two years.  Someone ate them and vomited immediately after.  It was a banquet staff, so it was okay.  I didn’t feed them to a customer.   lOl Omg why does that make me laugh?  I couldvn’t fed them crackers to customers!  If that happened you know how much trouble I would be in?

Oh man.  So high.  Do I really want to write right now?  It’s 2:04 am.  I’m going to vape my e cig for a minute and watch another family guy.  Hold on.

I’m a one hit wonder.  One hit is all I need.  I think I taken about 5 tonight at least.

What is it about weed that makes me want to accept everything about me?  If I accept myself right now, I can enjoy myself and be happy.  If I think too much about what i can’t control, I can never be happy.  I have to let it take me and not be ashamed.  I think this has to do with those inhabitions I was talking about earlier.  Yes I knew they were important!  I mean, important in letting go.  You have to let go to be happy.

I wish I can be in someone’s else’s brain for a while.  So I can see how they’re thinking process differs from my own.  But thats kind of impossible isn’t it?  Does this pot alter my state or just amplify my own existing personality?  Nothing is different, only more of the same, but amplified.

Yawn.  I have not vaped yet.  It’s 2:12 and I have no concept of time.  This was a bad idea.  No, no I’ll be fine don’t be silly.  It usually wears off after an hour or so.

Oh just remember that I bought a bunch of quinoa on amazon.  They are already cooked and I can eat it right out of the container.  I’m thinking yeah.  Oh yeah quinoa.  But then I have to put my blog down. Will I miss anything if I put it down?

WTF I always get insomnia when I write at night!  Why did I start this?  I’m going to save this draft and I’ll re-read it tomorrow.  Or why don’t I publish it now?  What am I scared of?  No, no I’ll wait.  I’m not scared to hit the publish, it’s not about that but to write well, it’s all done in the editing.

Here’s what I’ll do, I’ll edit the part where I was sober and I’ll leave this part where I’m high.  I won’t edit the high part.  Besides, I’m doing this as an experiment anyway, right? How will I ever know the difference if I don’t keep the original of high Mel?

Crazy, I just went back and re-read what I wrote and everything makes perfect sense to me.  Will it make sense to me tomorrow?  I stand by everything I written as making sense.

Family guy is freaking funny.  I need to eat my quinoa.  Hold on.

Pot is definitely nothing like ayahuasca.  I had complete control and focus of my thoughts.  Honestly, ayahuasca was the best experience of my life.  Complete clarity.  No ego.  I have ego now, I’m all ego.  Weed has you’re brain rewiring and thinking differently, but it only rearranges, doesnt add anything or take away.  With ayahuasca, you’re ego is no longer present, just pure knowledge.  Weed is not giving me pure knowledge.  Only making my brain work more it seems.  It’s working more, and less at the same type.  All because I can’t focus!  It’s skipping around everywhere, working profusely and yet it’s not fully in control.  It’s working less in that its coming to no conclusion.  There is no final conclusion to any thought.  My  mind feels its working less because it can’t figure anything out.  I know nothing.

Well, I like writing when I’m high.  I really like it!  The problem is, it will no doubt keep me up at night.  This hugely sucks.

Okay, weed is good, totally awesome.  But it’s a substance that I’m not able to control like I control myself with beer.  I zone out and think and forget everything That I’m supposed to be doing.

I’ve been sleeping okay lately because I got myself in a routine.  Habit makes things easy.  Pattern seeking drift wood is what we are.  But if people only knew how they’re own addictions and unsatisfaction in life can keep you up.  If people were awake for that and not drifting, than maybe if they listen to what they’re thoughts are telling them, they can figure their shit out.

Writing helps me sleep.  Well, as long as I don’t write near bedtime.  I sleep better when I write a post during the day, like I accomplished my something creative for the day.  It’s satisfying.  Food doesn’t have that satisfying effect on me like writing does – thank god!  I would be in trouble.  I was up to 150 one year when I was hooked on chips and salsa every single night of the week being unemployed – oh man, bad times those were.

Okay I should really sleep.

I’m gaining slight control over my thoughts.  Not sure if it’s because I’m coming down off the high or I’m just getting better at adjusting.  Still not the same as ayahuasca.

I need to remember to breathe.  Is it breathe or breath?  Have I ever thought about that before?  Yes, yes I have and I always forget.  I think its the breathe that has the long e.  Wow can’t believe I don’t remember.  I remember remembering but now I forgot.

I can totally choose how I would react to pot.  I can be the experience, just as my dream foretold.  And now all I can think about is sleep.  I wish I didn’t have 5 clients today.

Chris Griffen is hitting on a girl with down syndrome.  Oh man this show is bad.

I feel like I need to empty my thoughts.  Weed will help me in getting it all out.

Meg just queefed in the bath tub with Stewey.  So bad.

Okay, its 3 am.  This stuff was supposed to put me to sleep.  I drank a few beers tonight too.

Wow the down syndrome girl is a bitch.

Okay, going to bed now.  Nighty night y’all.

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I Want My Heater!

I admit I was not on my best behavior for the following pillow talk, but before you judge, please understand that all her emails and texts prior to this were disturbing.  I was sympathetic and understanding as I listened to her spew wretchedness at me.  

I’ll post them eventually, there’s just so many….  

Anyway, I pretty much had my fill of it.  I give up.  Here is me giving up.

Here’s Melanie unabridged (it’s not pretty): 

Amy:

Any way I can get my heater back?

Me:
Damn I was hoping you would ask for it back after winter.  Do you want to pick it up today after work?  I can leave it out in the lobby upstairs, but if you don’t want to pick it up today then let me know cause it’s helpful to have here.
I hope you’re doing okay fuckface. Miss you.

Amy:

I can’t today, I don’t go by your work on the way home, only in the am..but maybe I can pick one day at your house or you can drop it off at my house…?

Me:
Okay which day would you want to pick it up at my house? I can leave it with my parents to give to you.

Me:
Actually that’s a bad idea. No offense, but I don’t trust you with my parents. I don’t know what you are capable of telling them. It’s just a precaution.
I’ll drop it off at your house tonight when I’m done here. Ill just leave it outside your door and scram.

Amy:
What I’m capable of telling them?? Really, you are so fucked up….

Amy:
Delusional and paranoid…not a good combo. What would I tell your parents??? Lol. You don’t tell them the truth, I certainly wouldn’t…

Me:
Can’t I just mail you $50 for it? You don’t even need it and you’re only doing this out of spite because you hate me so much.

Amy:
I was letting you borrow it because I was your friend and I cared. We aren’t friends anymore, I figured you would return it. At the time I didn’t need it and now I do. I love how you assume it’s about you and me hating you. I hate no one, not even George….I do feel bad you are so far off and misguided. It’s sad to see who you are to who you represented yourself as., had I known I would have steered clear. Thankfully I have fallen back in my old groove of hanging with old friends and having awesome adventures in the mountains. As I said before, I forgive you and some day you will see what you did and how you betrayed a good hearted friend for your own benefit. Please bring me the heater. I don’t want the money. A new heater costs more and I need it. Ask my sister if you don’t believe me…

Me:
How the hell did I betray you? YOU ENDED THE FRIENDSHIP! You ended the friendship and said horrible, rotten things to me just like a sociopathic person would do. You are FUCKED up in the head!

I’m not going to your house, fuck that shit. You’ll set me up for something, I know it. You can drag your ass down here and get it your damn self.

You never cared about me, Not ever! You’re incapable of that emotion and probably will never feel what its like. Oh and Amy, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS! Gee, I wonder why that is you fucking douche.

Goddamned it. This isn’t me. I don’t do this. Just do me a huge favor and stay the hell away from me. I’ll leave your heater downstairs in the lobby.

I wish you weren’t so fucked up. I hope you get better, I really do. For the sake of other people at least. I feel sorry for whoever gets involved with you because you are a vengeful hateful person. I wouldn’t be surprised if you called the cops on me for some made up shit.

How can you be so blind to the way you are? How can you not see your hate?

Amy:
Wow. Again showing your colors. Telling me to drag my ass down to your building as I let you borrow the heater??? Typical narcasistic answer, your mommy has failed to teach uour morals and manners. My sister needs the heater, I’ll show her your email. And I ended our friendship because you are crazy and drama filled. Period. Read your email, nuts! So I will go in the am to get it since my sister needs is and wanted it tonight…will it be there?

I have nothing more to say to you. I don’t have the need to explain or defend myself. I can prove my friendships with pictures, phone calls,vacations planned, ice climbing trips like last weekend, hanging at bills for patriot game, next month gounf 3 days to jersey..hung at connies last weekend and had dinner. had dinner with a date on saturday. Hanging with dirty Fred and his baby 2 weeks ago, planning on 4 days of snowmobiling in march with him and his woman..I think you are confusing you not having friends with me…I want my heater. It’s not yours and you need to give it back please.

Me:
Holy fuck your crazy! I didn’t even read all that cause it’s too crazy. Shit man. Holy shit! Lol

After these emails, I get these texts:

Hate texthate textmean hate texts20130124-125104.jpg20130124-125116.jpg20130124-125127.jpg20130124-125141.jpg20130124-125208.jpg20130124-125218.jpg

One day I’ll post all her crazy texts and emails for you, but for now it’s too much effort (there are lots!).  This was the first time I was actually mean to her in my responses.  I was being mean, but amusing myself and actually laughing from the idiocy of the whole thing.  I felt guilty shortly after, and will probably feel guilty for posting this to my blog, but hey, it’s my freaking life online.

During the 6 or 7 months that I’ve known her, I only met two of her so-called “friends.”  They are a married couple that live up in Vermont five hours away.  And both of them refused to prosecute against George, her ex-boyfriend, who supposedly tried to kill her.  They refused because they didn’t know who or what to believe (and these are her “core” friends!).

George insists that he was set up and is now going through great lengths to prove his innocence.  I listened to the poor guys voicemails and he sounded like a broken man.  Broken from taking emotional abuse and becoming dependent.  His words were drenched in tears.  I truly felt sorry for the guy, and I think Amy knew I felt sorry for him.

She is the type of person to do that shit.  That’s why I’m scared of her, thats why I didn’t want to go over her house or for her to come to mine.  She always threatened to tell my parents how “undisciplined” I am in my business, who the hell know’s what she would say to them now!  And she’s been to court more times than I could pay attention to.  She’s dangerous and armed to the teeth!

Is this the last time I’m going to hear from her?  Probably not.  She joined the ranks of the Melanie Haters and is now hell bent on destroying me.  People are absolutely insane!  I see so clearly that compassion can cure everything.  It’s the cure-all for all your hurts.  I’m 100% NOT hurt by anything she says or does to me and it makes me feel sorry for her even more!  She’s in so much pain and a world of hurt – she wants to spread it to me but it’s not working and I point and laugh instead.

I’m truly an asshole, yes.  It’s like calling a mentally challenged person retarded to their face.  She has the same emotional problems you would find in a mental patient.  And would you give them a hard time?  No, of course not.  It’s not their fault.

Even just writing about all this, sounds childish.  I’m too old for this shit and lived through it all before, only not with a person so wacked.

I’m inhumane, I know.  But I’m not going to take harassment bending over.   And I can’t hide my true nature of laughing and poking fun at everyone – it’s who I am.  I laugh at peoples inability to see themselves and call them out on it.  Not in a bully way, but a good way.  I just want everyone to learn how to love.  Very few people know how.  They have trouble with acceptance, and instead focus on their own needs.  And I obviously did NOT do my part in fulfilling her needs.

Anyway, a typical day in the book of Mel…..

I’m only on page 65 of my Camino book.  I just can’t find the time.  I have 81 unchecked Facebook notifications and a few messages.  I love Facebook, I think it’s the bee’s knee’s  but how the hell do people find the time to live on it?  Facebook, as fantastic as it may be, is absolutely mind numbing to me.  I’m at the point now where it’s just too much.  Too overwhelming, too time consuming.  I mean come on now, 81 notifications?  My Facebook page for my business is also in the dumps of abandon.

I’m not the status update kinda gal.  I’m more of the essay type.  A small status update is like a tiny dog yipping for attention, while I on the other hand,  am Cujo.  Ripping out my own rabid tormented insides.  And no, my blog is not nor will ever be affiliated with my Facebook page.  Can you blame me?

I’m a closet writer, a ghost writer.  I paint a picture of who I am, and sometimes I’m not proud of who I am, but there you have it anyhow.  Hey, I told you I’m no angel.

I need to publish this post.  I don’t like it when they get too long.

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