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Goodbye blog, Mellie’s got shit to do.

I’m sitting in work waiting for my first client to get here.  This will be my last post for at least a week.  I have way too much stuff to do and my blog is being a huge distraction.

I have to do business stuff like input 200 emails into my mailer, make a newsletter, create massage packages, a gift certificate template, a Facebook page, read Rich Dad Poor Dad and my investment book, hang up my ceiling mural, finish putting together my wall decal, figure out a plan for the Camino and sponsor a kid from Guatemala.  Hopefully all that will be done by next week.  I’m not, NOT blogging until I get this shit done.

My blog has never been this accessible before.  I bought a Mac that can be easily booted up anywhere, have my own office where co-workers don’t bother me.  Ample time between clients…This is what I do all day and it has to be controlled better.  I have to prioritize.  I’m an adult now (whatever that means), so I must prioritize.

Okay, I’m going to stop writing now.  I mean it, I’m going to stop. Right now.  Done.

My massage table is so comfortable.  I have it just the way I want it.  Memory foam topped with a fleece table warmer, warm clean smelling linens, an awesome face cradle with no pesky chin bar.   The client sinks in like a warm squishy marshmallow.  Ohhhh hohoho…..so good.  Like wrapping your naked body in warm fresh linens straight from the dryer.

Okay I’m done.  See you in a week!

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A Simple Quote Sprung This Leak

Everything inspires me.  Every second of every day I’m either hit with an inspiring thought or chewing over an old one.  It never ends and it’s driving me crazy!

Me – “Holy shit I have to write this down!  Like, right now I have to write it down!”

Not having time to write it all down to mull over, pains me.  Blogging takes up so much freaking time.  It’s not good when being a newly appointed business owner who has awesome idea’s to expand and grow but chooses to blog instead.  All my efforts are dusted off my business and onto my blog.  My blog that nobody reads.

I have serious priority issue’s.

Every morning I wake up, go to the bathroom and get excited about reading my bathroom book.  So excited in fact, that I get disappointed when my bathroom visit only lasts two minutes.  Today during those two minutes, I got inspired by a quote I read.  I forgot whose quote it was, possibly Spinoza, but not sure.

Anyway, it goes something like this:

“People believe they are free because they are conscious of the choices they make.  But they are not aware of the reasons behind their choices.”

Bah, I butchered it.  I can’t quote him exactly, but that’s the gist.

During my last massage, I started chewing this over and seeing how it ties in with my whole human philosophy theory.  During the last few weeks, I’ve been developing an ever-evolving theory about shit-heads (90% of the world).  The basis of the theory is basically that people are unaware and work in ways of self-preservation.  They find patterns so they won’t have to think, trusting their old idols beliefs rather than thinking for themselves, and being void of compassion and understanding by way of a habitual habit of putting themselves before others.  At their worst, everything they encounter becomes a personal attack, including things they don’t have (money).

I strongly believe that people who know their core (the true reasons behind their actions), are awake and aware.  They know how others see them, have the ability to see themselves,  and can bypass the muck of ignorance and denial.  They know the truth of their choices and know they are being directed by a belief system.  Having this knowledge allows them to be free and to actually think for themselves.  To exercise their free will and create outside the mold.

Instead of seeing a shrink to find out why they do what they do, or feel what they feel, they already have access to that knowledge.  When a person moves farther and further away from their core, the more a shrink is needed.

It’s all about stillness and calm.  Patience and a loving attitude towards yourself.  That’s where it begins.

But what’s at the base of beliefs?  In my theory, I feel that morals are at its base.  The further a person moves away from their center, the further away they get from their morals.  Small rights and wrongs differ from person to person, so childish people like to test.  They test mostly for their own amusement, or maybe out of frustration.

In my philosophy, I believe we are all connected to each other and that we have the same infinite knowledge to tap into.  To me, this connection entails a congenital moral compass of innately knowing right from wrong.  When we’re younger, we test this out – seeing what we can get away with.  It’s only through compassion and understanding do we start to realize why these things are wrong.

When a child asks why it’s wrong never say, “because it just is,” or “because I said so.”  These are unaware responses said by a fed-up survivalist piece of driftwood (analogy taken from previous post).  A question about morals always merits an explanation.  Especially when it’s being asked by a child!  By providing empty responses, it can shape your child’s future into garnering empty beliefs having no substance.  Kids have to be taught substance more than rules.  Otherwise they will listen to their idols telling them what to believe well into adulthood.

My father taught me substance at a young age.  He teaches me substance still.  My mother teaches me patience and compassion.

People have to learn from experience.  When they are young, they can experience, understand, and change.  But as they get older, it gets a lot harder.  It gets

online entitlement formula

online entitlement formula (Photo credit: marioanima)

harder because they forget everything they learned as a kid, and switch to survival mode.  They don’t need a reason to change, they’re just trying to make it through they day at this point.  And when I say survive, I mean that in the broadest sense of the word.  Protect themselves and protect their character (flaws and all).  The time for being a child has ended.  Welcome to the real world dirtbag.

When you’re cold, starving and tired, you don’t have the capacity to help others.

That’s the same as moving away from your warm nutrient-rich center.  You move away from the warmth love you can give to others and yourself.  You wouldn’t have the capacity to help anyone, same as when you’re hungry, cold and tired – you are away from your source.  You have nothing to pull from.

The older you get, the more you lack beginners mind and start to see patterns in everything.  You become trusting of an illusionary moral compass that lost its substance ages ago.  Empty driftwood….

Morals and compassion go hand in hand, using morals without your heart is like a cold judgement, a cold war.  A prejudice, a hatred, a discrimination.  To know proper morals, you have to know compassion.  Filling yourself with substance so you don’t become empty.  It’s hard when you can’t forgive others and take everything personally, feeling no gratitude, only entitlement – it feeds the cycle.  It gives your beliefs  credibility by relying on old thought patterns and others who also share your discriminations.  Awareness of this process will bring the suffering to an end, as long as you’re able to let go and learn.  Most of all, forgive.  Just forgive.  And forgive yourself for not being perfect.  The ego is the last thing to shed, it’s the hardest.

Some people gain perspective (substance) with small experiences.  Small learning experiences that take place can be a microcosm of the larger.  If it takes only a small experience to gain perspective and substance, the closer you are to your center.  Everything can be relative when close to the core.  Like a friend sharing a big chocolate chip cookie during lunchtime that their mom packed for lunch.  It feels great to receive, but better to share.  This small gesture can expand your heart forever if you let it.

The closer you are to your center, the more gratitude you feel when someone is kind.  If no gratitude is felt, or that you feel entitled rather, entitlement is going the wrong way.  Gratitude is expanding your experience to envelope perspective.  To see and know clearly right from wrong.  Entitlement brings you to believe that only you are right, or it’s only you that matters.

All of what I’m saying feels so very real to me.  Like, common sense kind of real.  It’s like hitting the nail, you know?

We are all the same at the core.  At the heart of everyone, is a kindred spirit.  An evil person is evil because they’re lost, so far away.  How to bring them back?  Suffering?  Finding humility through shedding of the ego?

It always comes back to suffering.  Suffering brings awareness, takes you to the core, but it’s more than that.  It makes you stronger.  Stronger for what?  More levels of awareness?  That’s what Aya told me.  According to Ayahuasca, there are many layers of awareness.  The deeper you go, the freer you become.  The more lucid you get, the more you see what this world really is, an illusion.

How much more can I wring out of my noggin’ today?  Have I said enough?  I know that as soon as I hit the publish button, I’ll think of something else.

No, I’m not going to publish it until my last client is out of here.  I usually think up all this shit while massaging.  It gives my brain something to do.

Self-awareness is a direct line into your powerful core being, but it’s not the same as being compassionate.  It’s the Yin and the Yang.  You have to be morally aware, not just self-aware.  Let’s say that ethics is the soil, then that would make you the flower.  The hardest part is figuring out which one to listen to.  But the good thing about being awake is knowing these things don’t work without each other, when you’re connected to your source, you won’t have to choose which side to listen to because they become one thing.  Awareness.

Okay, so let’s organize and summarize.  At your center awaits the Yin and the Yang.  Yin is the self, and Yang is God.  However, stating back to previous posts, the self IS God and God IS self.  All-righty, let’s think about that…Nope, too hard.  My head might explode.  The two are dependent on each other.  The closer you’re aware of this Yin & Yang, the more gratitude you feel.  And the more lucid and compassionate you become.  Moving away brings with it entitlement with no change, and I bet it’s a lack of inspiration too.  People must be inspired to grow.

I have never not once in my life been this inspired over every little thing.  When I was younger, in my early 20’s, I would go on wild philosophical tangents while being drunk at a bar, but I stopped out of embarrassment.  I could never remember what I was rambling about the night before and I felt like a complete moron for talking drunk dumb philosophy with a guy who wants nothing more than to jam his tongue down my throat.  But now here I am starting her up again.  Where have you been wacky brain?  Good to see you again.

I’m not drunk, but that doesn’t mean somethings not majorly wrong with me.  It’s possible that all this is pretend.  All a pretend story that I made up out of boredom.  It feels real because I see the patterns in it that are congruent with my beliefs.  Damn….it still ties in.  Even when I’m trying to be objective, it still all ties in nicely.  My perspective is the only perspective I see.  I can’t take myself out of it.  Damn, I’m an unaware rambling, narrow-minded idiot.

I honestly did pull all of this gibberish out of my ass.  Crazy, huh?  Well, the quote that sprang this on was not of my ass, but of an others.

Do flea’s fly?  I think I just seen a flea flying around my office.

If I am right about us having an interwoven moral compass braided into the fabric of our souls, then how can I practice what I preach?  Am I big enough to do it?  Am I close enough to my core being?  Eh, I don’t know.  My last client is a No-call / No-show.  Bastards…

I think something just bit me on my back.  Little bastard shit.

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Meet Dragon Baby

When and if I ever have a baby, I’m going to train that little killer to be a kung fu machine.

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Complete gibberish ramble. Please skip over this post. Move along now, nothing to see here.

There’s a storm a-brewin’.  Hurricane Sandy, my mothers name, that’s fitting.

“The size of this alone, affecting a heavily populated area, is going to be history making,” said Jeff Masters, a hurricane specialist who writes a blog posted on the Weather Underground (www.wunderground.com).

Forecasters said Sandy was a rare, hybrid “super storm” created by an Arctic jet stream wrapping itself around a tropical storm, possibly causing up to 12 inches of rain in some areas, as well as heavy snowfall inland.

– Reuters

I’m sitting in my office listening to the Mumford & Sons station on Pandora.  I LOVE Mumford & Sons.  If my life were a movie, Mumford & Sons would take up much of the soundtrack.

Quietly sitting and blogging, feeling melancholia, not demanding anything.  Just sitting quietly with my face softly relaxed, my eyes curiously unperturbed.   Acoustic fingers strumming the keys in a slow deliberate melody.

I want to write.  I want to write the life out of me, but I have a client coming in any minute.  First one of the day.  I feel inspired – I hate to waste it by giving a massage that will be forgotten in a week – I’d rather blog and have it last.

It’s going to be a long day.  I’ll be here until 8pm.

I have so much to do, set up an LLC for my business, sponsor a child from Guatemala, clean out my closet, pay my property taxes, make a vision board, respond to email, and write.  Just fall fast and write free.

I want to feel the electricity of this storm – it’s power dwarfing my physical being making me feel mortal and human – at the mercy of nature.

Damn I sound like a damn fool.

I’m going to lose power no doubt.  No movies, no video games, no blog.  Just reading and sleeping.  Eating all the ice cream in the freezer before it melts.

They say this hurricane is bigger than Irene.  That’s a pretty big deal.  And the chances of it hitting us on the same day it hit last year, is astronomical.

I went out last night with two very good friends, Sarah and Amy.  They never met before.  I love it when kindred spirits meet each other for the first time.  I have lots of friends scattered all around in different circles, so I go from one to the other, not feeling like I have a place – but when friends meet, this sounds cheesy (super cheesy) but it’s like starting a new little family that has shared joys and experiences.  And I’m no longer being pulled in all directions, it’s all there in one place.  It’s a place to put my heart.  To place my whole heart and not just fragments of it.  It’s a place to build roots deep in time so we can all go back to them and cherish the moments together.  We freeze in time, never growing old in despair and loneliness.

There I go sounding like a damn fool again.  Seriously, who talks like this in person?

And when I feel a friend is separating me from their other worlds of family, keeping me a dark dirty secret, it baffles me.  I feel like I’m an embarrassment or not good enough to know the other places where their heart resides.  I like to keep my heart whole by sharing – spreading the wealth of love.

So yeah, when I like people, I want them to unite and get along.  They both really liked each other….

They are both part of the elite 10% crowd of free thinkers.  Sarah was the only one of my friends that actually stuck up for me when I returned home from Nepal.  She confronted K and told her how wrong it was to leave me behind  (she will never admit to leaving me behind.  Never admit to kicking me out of the group – never).

None of my other friends did this.  They listened to K bad mouthing me and didn’t say one word in my defense – because they are all part of that 90% group of malleable idiots.  It’s not that they’re bad, just idiots.  Idiots that don’t know the meaning of friendship, or the meaning of anything meaningful – they know nothing and care about nothing, only themselves.  But they’re not bad people.  I can’t go around thinking that everyone’s horrible.  Well, it was horrible being told I had to apologize for my behavior in Nepal.  That was by far the most horrible, vile act of an anti-friend.  I suffered tremendously, but it wasn’t anything I did – it had nothing to do with me, it’s them.  It’s their weakness for not knowing compassion.  They’re just not there yet.  And to actually deny that she ever said that, purposely to avoid apologizing and admitting she was wrong, makes it easier to see that these people are who they are, will never change and it’s in my best interest to drop them.  Forever onward I let go and march.

I’m awakening myself to better quality people.  My old anxiety and sleepless nights have ended with my old “friendships.”

And as for Amy, she’s definitely a little hero.  After hearing her defy Dave by telling him off, she doesn’t give a fuck about conforming and playing it nice.  Living in denial and lying to herself – no way, hell no, not her.  Being bold and trusting herself is all part of awareness.  Honesty is the character trait that sets the 10% crowd apart from the rest.  Brutal, real honesty – not being honest out of spite or meanness, but being truthful out of respect and compassion and ok, a little frustration.

I hear my client in the elevator.

It’s Sunday.  A day for family and relaxation, and here I am taking shit loads of clients and writing a blog that nobody reads.

I have more breathing room to write without having everyone’s noses in it.

It was the best decision switching places.  I don’t want them jerks reading my life – they lost that right.  And now they won’t get all pissy if they read something supposedly hurtful.  People who don’t know compassion, get defensive.  Selfishness breeds defensiveness.  It’s inward and unaware.  I get defensive when I don’t understand something, when I see no truth to behind whats being said.  But in here, in my space, it’s all true to me.

My journey into self discovery and finding truth didn’t start in Nepal, it started before at the beginning of the year.  It started with Christina, the woman who wanted  to destroy me.  That’s where the journey began – that’s where the answers are hidden!  My lesson in all this was to grow a pair and see the truth behind people’s actions – to be strong and stand up for myself because by standing up for myself, I’m also making a stand for everyone else, not just me.  I have a strong voice that rings true, and I had to find myself, find my own strength and courage to use it.  In the process, ripping down everyone’s false pride.

But by going back to the very beginning, back to Massage Envy when I handed over my resignation letter, I was handing over something much bigger.  A statement that defines me.  A statement that declares, I can never be beaten.

When I was under Aya, I sat staring into the fire.  Darkness all around me, people quietly enjoying their own new found beauty while I sat alone silently discovering my own.  My unlit cigarette dangled from my lips, my eyes welling up with tears to one escaping down my cheek.  I stared into the fire and said to myself out loud as if discovering for the first time, “I’m awesome.”

Complete realization struck me.  That I really am awesome.  I’m amazing.  I’m powerful and good.  I’ve been given the gifts of creativity, able to create beauty and artful things, I’ve been given the gift of talent and now for the first time I understood, “not everyone can do these things.  Not everyone can do what I do.”

I also understood that people love me completely.  I am awesome.

“Then why do people hate me?  Why do they not want me around?”

Aya – “You’re a martyr.”

This went over my head.  I didn’t understand.

Me – “But why?  Why me?”

Aya – “People take their pain out on you.  Because you let them.”

She didn’t answer my question completely.  I was confused and didn’t understand.

Me – “But why me?”

Aya – “…..”

Nothing.

It was like I wasn’t ready to be given the answer.  I had to learn it on my own.  It was a process and I had to let it unfold in stages.

I chalked it up to people using me up like a tissue to throw away, getting their fill of me than tossing the garbage aside, but that’s not it.  That doesn’t take me back to the beginning of my journey – the start of it all with Massage Envy.  The answer was there if only I saw the purpose and direction where all this was going.

It started with Christina wanting to destroy my reputation at Envy.

After L slept with my ex while I was over her house, I tossed it around in my head as to why.

“She wasn’t thinking, she just likes guys a lot, that’s all.  It was nothing personal.  Nothing personal.”

That was a complete brush-off answer.  I didn’t feel like thinking about it anymore, it was too painful and I needed to let it go – but my anger was still there, my hurt was still there.

“No, this isn’t done yet, there’s still more.  Why can’t I let it go?’

I couldn’t let it go because the lesson I needed to learn was in there.  My spirit was in turmoil, calling out to me telling me to keep trying, that I’m so close to getting it.  And once I got it, I can let it go.

Me – “What am I missing?  How can I let this go?”

Me – “How did this start?   It started in Nepal.  Okay, what happened there that I need to realize?  No, it didn’t start in Nepal.  It started at Envy!”

With Christina, the Lead Therapist.  I was repelled by her – not in disgust or dislike (I disliked her but didn’t understand why), it was more like a polarity.  Two magnets repelling each other, only she was moving in while I was moving away.  She wanted to get to know me, she was nice, but I still taken no interest.  I’m a puzzle to people.  Some want to break me down and learn how I tick.  Christina was envious of me – of me as a person.  I was contented, well liked, I held more power and influence than she.  Once she realized I taken no interest in getting to know her, did she start resenting me.  She resented me and my awesome goodness.  She resented my happiness and ability to be myself.  She hated everything about me that she couldn’t possess herself.

She wanted to get to know me better in order to steal pieces of me.  The parts I cherish.  She wanted them for herself.  But with me not willing to part with them, she became set on destroying me.  And it wasn’t just me, it was everyone who resembled me – everyone that liked me basically.  She felt separated from the rest of the pack, she put herself on a high horse and set to work.

Envy is a form of evil.  It’s not her as a person, but the situation she put herself in that brought this on.  She is a good person, just made bad decisions, not purging her old beliefs because she’s too stubborn and think she’s always right.  That frame of mind set up the foundation for Envy.  It’s so weird that that’s the name of the business I was in.  Coincidence?  I think not.

She couldn’t have me, so she wanted to destroy me.  To eliminate the reminder that she is not as wonderful as she thinks.  To eliminate a person like me, allows her to go about her life without hindrances.  It’s so clear to me now – all of it is so clear.

It’s me as a person that makes me a martyr.  I push others away when I think they’re getting close.  The same thing happened with K.  Our tiff started way before Nepal, Nepal was only the pinnacle (coincidence we were climbing a summit? I think not.)  I kept pushing her away because I could never fully understand her.  Like she was always trying to hide something, and I knew it wasn’t a good thing whatever it was she was hiding.  I never knew what it was, but knew it wasn’t good.

K was also envious of me.  She set out to destroy me in Nepal, ruining my trip and my reputation with the new people I was meeting.  She had it in her head subconsciously or not, to see me destroyed.  She’s envious of who I am and what I have.  She’s envious that everybody loves me.  She resented me because I didn’t need her, for wanting no part of her.  Her pain became my pain.  It became my pain because I let her do it to me.  I bent over and took it.  I relinquished my power to her and let her satisfy her thirst from resentment.  Nothing more to resent from a beaten horse that lost everything.

I let it happen.  I knew she would take me down one day, I didn’t know why, I didn’t know how, but I just knew.

And the friend who turned her back on me when I got back.  The girl who told me point blank that I needed to take responsibility and apologize.  She’s part of the malleable 90% of idiots.  K got into her head with her devious manipulations and told lie after lie about me, softening my friend up to turn against me.  And that’s just what happened.  But it wasn’t just K that turned her, it was also me.  I did it too.  I also pushed her away.  I started pushing away when I couldn’t figure out why she wasn’t including me in her life anymore.  That was a whole other issue that I was still hung up on, still hurt and couldn’t let it go.

“What’s wrong with me?  Am I an embarrassment?  Why is she mean every time I confront her about it?”

She was also hell-bent on destroying me.  I understood finally that it didn’t have anything to do with me being an embarrassment.  It was the complete opposite!  She was upset that all her friends liked me more than they liked her.  In fact, one of her friends (a brutally honest 10% hero girl) said flat-out, “We like her more than we like you.”  She actually said that!  Right in front of me, right in front of my friend.

I didn’t appreciate her bluntness.  I found it crass and harsh.  I don’t like seeing my friends being bullied.  But now looking back, she’s part of the elite 10% group, and hearing her say that (in present time at least), makes me understand now, what the hell was really happening.

Again, envy.  Evil despicable envy.  She set out destroying me just like everyone else.  Taking sides with K – perfect match up.  They both have a disturbing silent hate towards me that neither of them wants to confront, not ever.  They want me to feel what they feel.

I switched blogs just in time!  For them to read this, they would laugh themselves silly.

“Oh my god….Melanie is so fucking high on herself.  The whiny bitch won’t stop.  Go ahead and keep telling yourself you’re great if it makes you feel better, you fool.”

I don’t want them getting to me anymore.  They can’t anymore anyway.  It’s done and it’s over.

And the whole thing with L and Dave, well, truth be told I did feel guilty after writing the last post in my old blog.  I hurt her, I know I did.  And I feel crummy because of it.  But I love my blog, I defend it with all my pride and honor.  The thing with L, it’s safe to say that I can finally let that go as well.  All of these breakthroughs are related to all the hurts people caused me.  L did what she did because she likes me so much and wants to be like me.  She wanted what I had, and I had Dave.  I completely had him under my wing (or spell).  She wanted what I had, so set her sights on him.  And to do it right there in front of me was her small way of destroying me, taking away the power I have over people and giving it to herself, showing me she’s just as special.

And this goes for Dave as well, he couldn’t have me the way he wanted, so he forced himself on L in front of me as a way to say, “Hey look, I don’t need you after all!”

I never wanted these people to need me.  I hate being needed.

I pushed all these people away and brought this resentment on myself.  I created this drama, but I created it as a way to learn.  I wanted to understand people better, I wanted to understand myself better.  I created all of this, I’m the monster.  I’m the monster who brought out the monster in everyone.  I created the circumstances, put my friends in there and they let it define them without defining themselves.

This is quite possibly the most narcissistic and vain that I ever sounded in a post.  This is the most vain I ever felt.  Everything revolves around me, I’m brilliant and amazing, I’m gravity, I’m talent.  And no, you can’t have me.  And no, you can’t fool me into liking you.

And this goes for Matt too!  He dropped me as soon as I got back from Colombia.  He said I didn’t care about him and that I waisted all that money on a stupid trip for nothing, risked my life and made him worry.  But he secretly hated that I didn’t want to be with him intimately.  He couldn’t have me just like everybody else can’t have me, I pushed him away, he resented me and resented my awesome experience in Colombia.  It caused him more pain being with me, than it did to abandon me like he promised he never would.

No, this can’t be right.  But if it’s not right, than how am I able to let it all go now?  Why’s it so easy for me to breathe again?  I can look and see what all this really is, so simple and intertwined and I would’ve never fathomed in a millions years it’s because people want what I have.  It doesn’t make any sense.  But why do I feel like I can let go of the hurt now?  To finally be done with it?  I was so heartbroken for the longest time, looking for a reason, trying to understand.  Pointing the finger at myself, wondering what’s wrong with me and if I really AM that embarrassing to be seen with.  Did I just prophesize an answer that makes me feel good?  An answer that I’m able to accept?  No one wants to own up to their shortcomings, is that what this is?  Avoidance?

I don’t know.  It’s just that all this time I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong, trying to see where I can better myself, and admit I messed up.  What a relief that would be!  To finally understand!  But no, I don’t understand what I’ve done.  I’ve been killing myself over this.  Trying to find where I went wrong.  But these people never felt any kind of remorse, no kind of guilt, not wondering where they went wrong.  I took the blame for everything!  And if they ever read this post, they would be smirking ear to ear in enjoyment of this freak show I call my brain.  That’s why they continued to read, to fill their empty hearts with my pain.

“Lets tell L to read her blog!  That will bring more anguish!  Who cares if it hurts L, she has a right to know anyway.”

“Lets tell Dave to read her blog!  That way she’ll surely have no one left and she can see how wrong she is.”

Fuck it, I give up.  I’m going with what makes the most sense to me and I’m taking the blame off of me.  This all stemmed from their own insecurities, not mine.  If I’m right, than Aya was right about the martyr thing.  Now I get it.

My last client of the day just got here.  She’s in the potty.  I can’t stay after to blog because of the storm.  I have to wash my sheets before we lose power but God damn I want to publish this freaking thing.  Make it permanent.  A permanent fixture in the life of Mel.

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Without Communication

Bright, shiny objects!

Live Life Quotes, Love Life Quotes, Live Life Happy

via Without Communication.

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My new and improved life, well, sort of…

I had a client queef on my table today. I haven’t heard one of those in a while. They make me smile. They make me smile especially when they come out of an intimidating, sporty, type A woman who could crush me with her big toe. A dainty splutter erupted from under the sheets.

“What? Did you say something?”

Okay, so I didn’t actually say that.

You know how hard it is to relax a woman like that? Take it from me, it’s pretty damn hard.

I’ve been working a lot lately. I mean really working. This is the first time in my life where I actually have money – the kind of money that replenishes itself within hours – HOURS!

I work everyday from 11am to 8:30pm. I get home at 9pm and eat like a bulldozer whatever my mom makes, play a little Skyrim and hit the hay only to do it all over again the next day.

It’s so different from anything I’ve ever experienced. I’m working like a dog and yet feel completely full of life and energy. Like what I’m doing is actually accomplishing something, not just for the client, but for me as well. That’s what been missing this whole time working for others – the ME component.

I will never go back. Will never go back to those long unappreciated hours with little pay – no where to move up or get ahead, constant worry over hours cut and poor performance reviews, shitty co-workers….

The only regret I have is not doing it sooner. I’m kicking myself for not doing it sooner. The water is surely warmer on this side, grass is definitely greener. I crossed over into a new level of awakening.

Lets talk about how many massages I gave in these past 15 days. 73. I massaged 73 people in 15 days. 55 of them were groupons and the rest were repeat clients. I had one day off and that was last Sunday. Me and my friend installed curtains in my office and went out to eat thai food. Well, she installed the curtains while I stood there passing her tools like she was a surgeon.

“You want the what what?”

“The screwdriver.”

“Where is it? I just had the damn thing where’d it go? This makes no sense.”

As for picking out the curtains, I was clueless at that too.

“Lisa I’m so confused.”

She laughed at me when she spotted me holding a box of curtains in Target. I looked scared and confused.

Lisa – “That’s why I wanted to come. I’m good at this stuff.”

She looked at me and started laughing again.

Lisa – “You have to wipe your face. You have that milkshake stuff all around your mouth.”

Me – “Oh shit do I?”

I smear it in more with the palm of my hand.

Lisa – “It looked like something else ha ha.”

So all in all, I’m clueless about most everything including remnants left on my face. I can’t take care of myself, not that I don’t know how, I just don’t care to – there are more important things to do. I had to feed myself for two days in a row after coming home from 10 hour days. The first night of having to cook for myself, my parents went to the casino and I salvaged edamame and chocolate chip cookies for dinner – which were fine.

The second night however, is not so fine. My mother had to go to the hospital for pneumonia (she’s fine) so she couldn’t cook me dinner, and what I ended up feeding myself made me want to puke. I made myself Campbell’s tomato soup and then ate a huge bowl of homemade pickled beets (garden fresh!). I could not, NOT stop eating the pickled beets. They were so good and wholesome, but man oh man. A bushel of pickled beets and a bowl of canned tomato soup do not mix.

I only massaged four clients today. Now I’m sitting here on my little storage benches.

They remind me of the raft Tom Hanks built in Joe Vs the Volcano.

He tied four water-tight highly expensive leather suitcases together and had just about all he needed inside his little suitcase raft. Now here I am sitting on my little raft in my office with all I’ll ever need in life.

I love that movie, I can relate it to anything. And I like the idea of being alone in the middle of nowhere. I always liked that idea, not sure why.

A friend is swinging by a little later for some fun times. Life is good. Super good. And guess what else? I’m typing to you on my very new MacBook Air – yes you heard correct. I finally got one. It’s an 11 inch, 2.5 pound Mac. Perfect for traveling great distances on foot. I bought a handmade leather case to store it in. It looks like an old discarded book on the outside, but on the inside there’s a flourish of high tech wizardry at play.

The next day…

I’m sitting on my benches at the office again. Waiting for a client to show. Last night was weird. I hung out with Amy and it was the first night in a long time where I didn’t have Dave by my side at the bar. Amy and I were both bombarded with strangers buying us drinks and talking nonsense to us.

I’m not in the happy mood I was in yesterday. People are crazy basically and I swear I’ll never understand them.

I have a tendency to connect with everyone. I know that contradicts my last statement, but I can always find something in anyone no matter who it is, something I can appreciate and connect with. I sort of see the potential in people. I do this for survival purposes. If I don’t connect, people – everyone and anyone can frustrate and annoy the hell out of me. And I DO mean everyone. I become grouchy and make lewd inappropriate comments and poke fun at unfortunate people.

I’m a girl with two opposing sides. It’s a toss of a coin with me. I can be miserable and miserly, or I can be joyful and pleasant – I choose to be pleasant but in order for me to do that, I have to connect. It’s the only way.

Reaching for a connection is exhausting. The more I have to reach for it, the more exhausting it becomes. That’s why I treasure my alone time.

My best friend, Dave, he’s a character. I despise him as a man – a nasty, dirty despicable man. He uses women and has no conscious when doing so. His last girlfriend, Heather, gave him everything and all he did was use her for sex and a place to stay. He also taken advantage of an emotionally/physically crippled girl, and now he’s banging a married chick.

I taken him to Vermont to stay at a friends cottage (this friend doesn’t invite ANYONE to her cottage), and Dave forced her into things she didn’t want to do (not sexual stuff). He shows no respect for anyone and most people hate him.

My problem is that I can find good in everyone and overlook their faults entirely. I refrain from all judgement unless it gets personal and hits close to home. I can connect with a toothless heroin addict truck driver (like I did last night) as long as I know he won’t interfere in my personal life.

Dave made it personal this time. He tries to do things to make me jealous, which invariably never work. He wanted to get Amy in bed with him but she has absolutely no desire and not only that, respects me too much to sleep with my exboyfriend. Amy’s awesome.

Anyway, what Dave did to really piss me off was that he slept with one of my friends while I was in the house. Again I have to say, not jealous. I could’ve went into her room and seduced her myself, or could have went into Dave’s room to seduce him – but no, I’m not like that. Not with friends anyway.

He showed no respect for me. Complete annihilation of respect.

During my awakening I understood that respect is a highly valuable quality to have for emotional and spiritual development. I do my best to honor others with my best intentions. When people don’t do the same for me, it’s hurtful and disrespectful.

My morals are my most prized assets. And I see how rare they are since no one else seems to have any.

People are fucked up and gross. After Dave did that, I not only lost faith him, but in everyone. EVERYONE will hurt me. Its inevitable. People will talk shit about me and I’ll have nobody there to defend me, people will leave me stranded on a mountain in a third world country, guys fuck everything, everyone lies, everyone’s manipulative and out for themselves – EVERYONE.

This thought lingered for quite some time and made me sick to my stomach. I started having chest pains and couldn’t breathe. I’m a martyr. During my enlightenment, Aya told me that I played the part of a martyr. That I give permission to people to take out all their self inflicted torment onto me and I take it all and allow it in order for them to see, but in the process, I get destroyed. It’s part of my path, but I was also told that I still have free will and the choice to end my suffering. But in order to fully end it, I have to let go of all the bad influences in my life. All the people who hurt me, I have to let them go. But now after what Dave did, it felt like there’s no one left. It’s in everyone to do this. Everyone’s heart is cold.

I know I’m a coin. But I can choose which side to land on most of the time. I’m happy because I choose to be happy. I’m good because I choose to be good. If I let the world get to me in this bad way, it’s a fertilized ground for evil. Fear is evil. Fear is lack of understanding and void of compassion. It’s complete misery and I’m sure its the place where people learn how to do all these dastardly things to each other.

I may be jaded, but I’ll never let myself fall. So long as I have the will to write, I can never fall.

I’m not mad at my friend who slept with him, well I was, but I can’t be mad at her because I accepted a long time ago who she was and this is part of who she is. I can’t judge, and I know she didn’t do it to hurt me. But Dave on the other hand, he did it to hurt me. The fact that he used one of my friends as a slab of meat to get at me makes me so sick.

Even if he didn’t do it to hurt me, and just did it for sex, I wish he picked a different girl to do it with. My friend has shit luck with guys and gets used all the time thinking that maybe they like her, but these guys never stick around. And Dave, who openly admits he doesn’t want a chick with kids, is getting off with my friend who has one.

There’s only so much I can tolerate from a person before that connection fades and they’re left with snappy, miserable Melanie who gets easily annoyed by their stupidity. When I lose that connection, I’m a completely different person.

My client is coming in 13 minutes. Blogging is making me less attracted to my job. An entire week went by without me knowing it and here my blog sits on the shelf, whispering in my ear telling me, “hey, I’m here, I’ll always be here. Take a moment when you’re ready and we will figure this shit out. Together.” And sure enough, my week just slowed down big time and came together.

Massaging people over and over again is like saying the same word over and over. It loses all meaning and all you hear are sounds. You see the word for what it really is, just noises coming out of your mouth. Not even sounds, but noises. The smooth tongue action it takes to form the word becomes aware of itself and freezes in your mouth forgetting its job and what to do.

When I massage over and over, all I see is skin. The same color skin on the same body, different body part, same skin. My hands gliding, feeling warm and soft. Covering over more skin, more body parts. Silk everywhere I touch. My movements become a painting on the wall. Dripping paint. Moving, but still.

I was massaging someone the other day, forgot who it was, and I was contemplating this – what I think about while doing my job is some weird shit. My mind became blank and I hit zen. Zen is not enlightenment or awakening, it’s absence of thought. It’s blankness.

“What am I doing exactly? Oh yeah, right.”

Six minutes until my client. I have two more. They both booked themselves online so I’m not sure if they are Groupon people are what.

I ran into my brothers fiance today at the mall and I told her I did 75 massages in the past two weeks. She laughed and said I’m crazy.

Melissa – “Why don’t you space them out?”

Me – “I just want to get them done and over with. The faster I get them done the better.”

She laughs again.

Melissa – “You’re funny.”

Anyway, last night at the bar, I was connecting with some really messed up people. I can have fun anywhere you put me and I will find amusement and new friends. I was with Amy and I think I scared her a little with my mingling. You are who you hang with, right? If you hang around dogs, you’re bound to get flea’s.

So it’s either be in a pissy mood all the time wanting to punch people, or connect with everyone and be looked at as a ……oh I think my client is here.

This post will never be finished…..sigh.

Okay I’m back home in my jammies. So tired. It feels so good to lay here and zone.

Stare

Blink

Stare

I think my last client had an orgasm on the table. I was massaging her and she started moaning and it progressively gotten louder and faster – I shit you not she was saying stuff like “Ohh yeah, yeah.” And then her moans ended and she fell silent and peaceful. True story. I was jealous. People who can experience pure ecstasy like that without drugs, god bless them.

I massaged a young woman the other day and afterwards she asks me, “Are you trained at massaging transgender?”

I had to think about it. The way she worded it made me think I needed extra training for it. But why? I’m not massaging the sex parts.

“Um, well yeah. We all have the same bodies, don’t we?”

She smiled at me and said, “Oh good. I just thought I should ask because some people have problems with it.”

Me – “No not me. I’m open-minded and nonjudgmental. This is a safe environment.”

And then I had a guy that came in and plopped down on my Joe Vs Volcano Benches and started sobbing away.

Man – “My job is horrible, I have a lousy marriage. I’m in a bad hopeless place and need something, you know? Something that would help me. I read your website and it sounds like you can help me. I can only go to the bar so much, you know?”

He was an older fellow, early 50’s I’d say. Rather fluffy and unattractive. My heart went out to the poor guy. Starting over for him would be a great challenge – starting over for me on the other hand is cake since I never really started anything.

I told him some deep profound insights into the meaning of life (I forgot exactly what I said) and his eyes and ears perked up.

Him – “You give talking therapy too?”

Me – “Ha, no. I’m not certified for that, but talking is absolutely therapeutic.”

He loved his massage and couldn’t stop thanking me. I saw him again the following week and I’m seeing him again in a few days.

People are strangely beautiful if you get past everything else and let them into your heart.

Whatever negative vibe they give off, or if they seem rough around the edges, don’t mirror it back to them. If you treat them the same way they treat you, its just going to feed into their already deteriorating faith in humanity. It perpetuates the cycle and spreads it to others.

So I guess in my small way, I do help people. And it’s very rewarding.

I’m zonked. It’s 11 pm, my new bedtime. I need to unwind and stop writing. I really REALLY hope I can sleep after writing this post. I haven’t written anything in a while, so this has gotten my mind a little straighter and lighter but now it wants to stay up and let out more. Purge! Purging is great when it’s not the contents of my stomach.

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Vermont

I was at my poorest about 10 days ago.  My car broke down, bills were due, rent was due and I had zero dollars.

So what do I do?  I contacted a Groupon sales rep and together him and I decided that I should sell 400 massage coupons.  Yes, you heard correctly – 400 massage coupons!  There goes my life for the next several weeks.  My money problems will be no longer, but now I actually have to work like a human being.  I have to get up everyday and go to the office and actually work.

My brain is not functioning.  I’m freaking out a bit and feel that I have so much to do – so much!  My room is a mess, I havent showered in days, I’m still beat up from labor day weekend even though today is Wednesday.

I have clients calling me that I need to call back and Groupon hasn’t even started yet.

I have to buy more lotion, sheets, face cradle covers – get an hourly day planner instead of the monthly one I have now.  So much to do…

I have to get out of bed and shower.  Yes, that’s a good start.  I’m in trouble arent’ I?

Anyway, I went to Vermont with Amy and Dave this past weekend.  It was awesome.  Dave and I taken his motorcycle for the leisurely four-hour ride.  It was gorgeous.  Amy’s log cabin is brand spanking new.  It’s made out of pine logs and it still smells like fresh cut pine.

I can’t write, I have too much to do and I can’t focus.  I made a YouTube video of Vermont – that should sum up the trip.

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Messing around with iMovie

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I am one Tough Mudder

SNOW VALLEY, Calif. (May 28, 2011) Mass Commun...

I’m a lazy, conceited, degenerate who thinks she can accomplish anything she wants in life.  I’m conceited in thinking that what others work so hard for, come’s easy and natural for me. I’m lazy because since I can accomplish anything, why bother with the actual doing part?  I’m a degenerate because my laziness made my mind and body slack.

So there you have it.  That’s my story.  Melanie the conceited, lazy, degenerate.

But the older I get, the more I want to actually do the doing part.  And the harder the doing part is, the better.  I don’t like to waste my time with small-time accomplishments.  No, not this hot banana – me being the hot banana.  Well, climbing the Himalayas made me feel more like a flaccid banana peel, but lets erase that from memory shall we?

I can accomplish anything no matter what people tell me.  She is able who thinks she is able.

So I signed myself up for the Tough Mudder.

Tough Mudder events are hardcore 10-12 mile obstacle courses designed by British Special Forces to test your all around strength, stamina, mental grit, and camaraderie.”  So says the website.

10-12 miles….I can barely run half a mile.  I could never climb the rope in gym class or do one measly chin-up and when it comes to going under water, I almost drowned twice!  Towards the end of the obstacle course, I’ll be running through spaghetti-like live electrical wires.  Yes, I will be willingly electrocuting myself.

Electricity is just a myth…pffff.  Also, we live on the back of a giant turtle.  Or is it the other way around?

Guide me old wise turtle.

Here’s a look at what I’m about to do.  They sugar coated it to make people join up.

I’ll be doing the October Tri-State event in Jersey, so that gives me plenty of laying around time to prepare.  I wish I still had my Sheena underpants from when I was five to put under (or over) my super hero attire.

After I finish the race and aquire my Sheena strength and beauty, I can be all the more conceited and confident enough to talk to this guy:

hot guy

He can fill my baby bucket with his sperm larvae any day.  And that’s just what I’ll tell him.

Me – “Here’s an idea;  You, me, my baby bucket and your orbs of sperm larvae – what do you say?  Shall we combine these ingredients?  Don’t forget I have a bucket to do it in.”

He will embrace my lyrical wit with his strong rippling biceps and hold me until the world makes sense again.

The world stopped making sense as soon as I got back from Nepal.  Now I’m back here living at home at 32, working for my brothers girlfriend and binge drinking almost every night while feeling lonely and incomplete.

Maybe this turtle can help me:

Most likely not.  Everyone here know’s that Michelangelo was the goof-off turtle.  It looks like he’s sporting a Moose knuckle in this pic.

My Kelty trekking pack stares longingly at me from the corner of my bedroom saying, “When are you going to sew this fucking Annapurna patch on me?”

I keep forgetting that I have to stop working for my brothers girlfriend and start my own business to make money.  Enough money to go somewhere again.  That’s all I want to do – leave.

My friends still don’t care to see me, I stay drunk all day like an idiot, I have no ambition for anything and I work six hours a week.  Seriously Mel?  Is that what you want out of life?  No!  I refuse to be a flaccid banana peel!

I think I’ll have better luck in asking this guy for advice:

But he was so old in this movie.  He’s probably not around anymore.

Damn, I have to go to bed.  Tomorrow might be a long day.

Kristie keeps flooding my phone with texts.  She’s been texting me promptly at 9 am everyday since we met, wishing me a “Good Morning!”  She know’s I’m not awake at this ungodly hour and settles with my 12 o’clock “Good Afternoon” text back.

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The Most Beautiful People…

The Most Beautiful People…

This is me I say!  I’m so freaking sensitive and gentle and loving.  It sucks being this good when everyone else are wacko’s.

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