Tag Archives: Awareness

Activating People into Awareness

I woke up today feeling absolutely amazing – I mean happy, not healthy.  I’m still under the weather.  But I keep having awesome dreams about prosperity.

Last night before lights out, I was watching a documentary about mammals.  It was profound.  Just the way us mammals evolve.  Predators evolve to out-smart / out-run their prey, and their prey evolves to out-smart / out-run their predator.  It’s the great almighty rock tumbler that shapes us into our higher, stronger selves.

During mating season, all the males coral into the center of the flock, marking their territory, holding their ground, while the females peruse which males they like best.  While all the weaker males on the fringes get attacked by predators.  The process both weeds out the weak, but also has the opportunity to strengthen them.  It’s perfect harmony – all harmonizing to the beat of evolution.

Evolution never ceases to amaze me!

I feel that we are at a new stage in our evolution.  A kind of evolution that isn’t based on environment or global changes.  It’s an evolution in consciousness – we are so aware of ourselves, aware of how the environment and circumstances can shape us – so aware of the process that we are able to leap out of it for the first time in history.

There are no “bad guys.”  People who attack others are the ones still living in that animal kingdom of survival.  They’re a necessary evil for evolution.  But now things are shifting.  Compassion is weighing more than revenge.  Justice is prevailing over hatred and apathy.

Lose all hate and gain awareness.  That’s all there is to it.  If you choose to join in the action, it’s like going back into the game.  Playing a game that best suits you until you gain that next evolutionary leap – but the game itself does not matter.  It doesn’t matter if you win or lose – it’s a means to an end.  Anything in-between is all a delusion of ego.

The world we live in is a direct construct of what’s in our conscious minds.  If we all gain awareness, there will be peace – but are we ready for that?

It’s so easy to talk like this now that I made peace with the Melanie Haters (don’t like that term anymore).  I’m not a contradiction to anything I write.  It’s true freedom and true forgiveness.  It’s all so simple – really simple!  How can people not see it?  If the Haters are not at peace, it’s all within themselves and has nothing to do with me.   I am outside looking in – no longer in it – no longer affected.

I’ll tell you why they can’t see it.  It’s hard to put it in words because it’s still so young in my guts – in my feelings.

We can’t escape one an others realities.  We get sucked in.  It’s because of the conscious energy that shapes our world – we shape it unknowingly.  And on a smaller scale, we shape each other unknowingly.  Just with our thoughts!  Our judgements, beliefs, accusations – it becomes REAL.

That’s why it’s so important not to judge / blame people – we feed into that hatred or war.  Everyone’s at their own level of progression – you must respect their progress (this was a heavy insight told to me by ayahuasca).

Guru’s will tell you this stuff and everyone’s like, “yeah yeah we know….”, but to actually understand and see it!  People can’t understand it yet.  They’re still caught in the game, the delusion.  Caught in that mass conscious energy that they’re not aware of.

Sheeeit yo….

Anyway, when I was in my early 20’s, I became aware of how other people’s energies effected my own.  If they saw something in me (can not be put into words, but felt), I felt what they saw  – I truly felt it.  If they thought I was cute, my cuteness would shine.  If they thought I was funny, I became a laugh riot.  I became what people believed about me.

I turned this over and over in my head.

“How can I still be that person without the help of others to see it in me first?  What if they start seeing something bad that isn’t true?”

It’s about strength, belief and self-actualization.

People inevitably activate certain characteristics in others.  Everyone’s multi-faceted, highly complicated personalities having depth and emotion.  If you’re around someone goofy, and if they also see the goofiness in you – you will in turn act goofy.  Even if you’re depressed as shit, it won’t matter.  It won’t matter because someone saw something in you that wasn’t depression – it was fun and laughter.

You become who you hang out with.

I learned this at a young age – possibly in high school.  And when I turned 21, I realized I could easily use this insight to manipulate people however I wanted.  I actually had this discussion with that girl I was in love with when I was 21 and she said to me, “That’s not you.  You don’t want to use people.”

And her words to this day, put that question out of my head.  No, of course that’s not me.

How simple life is when you know who you are.

How simple life is once you learn the formula’s.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that everyone has the capacity to activate beliefs in others.  If you see something in a person, just by you seeing it (it doesn’t need to be verbal or communicated in any way), your conscious energy is a trigger that pulls on their hidden facet.  And the more people you have believing in you, the easier it is to be shaped by that belief and make it stick.  It can make you feel powerful, or can make you feel weak.

Just remember that strength is beauty in both the animal kingdom and in the spiritual kingdom.  If you’re going to evolve, do it right – be brilliant at it!

Goddamn I feel wonderful today.  Super sick, but super happy.  I feel the potential in me swelling up and expanding my ribcage.  There’s not enough of me to go around, and I can’t be contained any longer.  I feel large and inside I feel rock solid.  I want to share myself with others.

This is all part of my solitude cycle.  I always do this.  I figure shit out by being alone with myself and as I do this, it’s like revving up my engine.  Maybe at first I need to repair my engine, but then once I get her started, the old girl rev’s and heats up and bucks around like a wild horse on a lasso.

My thoughts keep me tethered.  And when my thoughts aren’t tethering me, my body is.  There’s not enough of me for everyone everyday.  There’s not enough of me for ME.

I get worn out so easily it seems.  People wear me out because they are like friction – not compatible with myself.  They are the velcro that sticks to me when all I want is for them to be on the same side of fury.  Fury, not hookie.

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When Solome kisses the head of John the Baptist…

I’m laying in bed on a Friday morning at 10:30am.  It’s snowing like a bitch outside.  I feel enjoyment and relief that I don’t have to massage asses today.  I made a grand total of just over $20,000 between the months of September thru December 31.  $20,000 in four months.  If you piece that together, that’s a lot of ass rubbing – A LOT!  How did I do it?  One cheek at a time my friend, one cheek at a time….

I want to blog, but I have no aim.

Let me just get one thing straight, I don’t care about money.  It comes and it easily goes just as quick (if not quicker).

I massaged a man with parkinson’s the other day.  He wasn’t a cute little man like Michael J Fox, no, he was big.  Tall, big-boned and overweight (making his disease harder to cope with).  His breathing sounded labored like he was in a deep sleep.

I looked at him and then at my massage table.  I couldn’t fathom it being comfortable for him.  This guy came to me for a relaxing, caring touch and my narrow table couldn’t fit his requirements.  It’s not his fault, it’s my fault.  I’m a care provider who can’t provide.

Once I get back from Spain, I really need to consider buying a wider table.

But we managed the massage anyhow.  His feet hung off the edge and he had to fold his arms over his stomach because there was no room for them.  His left leg kept spasming and contorting in what looked to be a painful leg cramp.  I placed my hands on it to say “shhh, calm down, shhh….” My efforts were fruitless.

He was in his late 50’s, no hair, a red splotchy swollen face.  When he talked, it sounded like his tongue was numb and enlarged, making him very hard to understand. He had no ring on his finger.  When I write about how important it is to not rely on anyone for your own happiness – this guy is the perfect example of why that is.  In his condition, it would be hard to find someone, anyone, unless he settled.

But what if he never finds his match – his loving safety net?  Does that mean he will never be as happy as a married man can be?  That we should all cock our heads to one side and say “aw poor guy” and move on with our lives?  No!  We are not entitled to place judgment.  We are not the standard – the mold that one size fits all (like with my massage table).  If someone doesn’t match up to your requirements or “level”, that doesn’t mean they can’t be happy like the rest of us.

Judgement brings with it inequality (even in the form of pity), inequality leads to blame, and blame triggers anger.  A  man in his condition can get angry at both himself and the world if he lets society, or any outside influence determine his ability to find peace and happiness.

He has to let all that go.  Everyday he’s faced with it, he needs to let it go.

It’s a casserole of nonsense.  I don’t pity him.  It’s his lot in life and it’s for a reason.  I respect him for choosing his bold journey.  No one makes it out of this world alive.  Who am I to say he can never be happy or find peace?

It’s the ego’s illusion is all that is.  When Solome kisses the severed head of John the Babtist.  We kill the things we love when we can’t control, understand, or have them.  We kill the things we judge when we place ourselves higher.  We kill ourselves when we can’t find love and the world rejects and pities us.

The power of suggestion is profound.  If we believe what others think about us, we become it.  We become it because of our neediness (letting others blame and resent us).  We become it out of the fear of loneliness (relating to fear of death).  We let circumstances shape us, relinquishing all control we had to empower ourselves. We let the fear of becoming an outcast overrule our inner strength and potential for greatness and happiness.

We end up running away from our own individuality, our inner God of wisdom.

I can see all this in the microcosm of human behavior.  When we are asleep (unaware), the nightmares and darkness take hold.  The gravity in the absence of light sucks us all in.  Like a black hole, an imploded star.  It’s death – it’s dying because of the fear of dying.  It’s the temporal causality loop of unawareness.  Everyone is asleep.  Everyone is afraid to die.

If you’re afraid to die, then you’re afraid to live.  Fear of anything is the root of ego.  The ego attaches itself and refuses to let go of anything dear to us, anything we believe will bring comfort and safety.  When we believe in our appointed religion using only the ego, we believe only through our fears.  And those fears can warp our religion to fit our own needs and beliefs, shunning all who disagree.

I know how crazy I sound, trust me, I know.  The worst part is not being able to know if I’m crazy.  I feel like if I know I’m being crazy, than I’ll get sucked back into my fears and weaknesses, letting them dictate me.  I’m teetering on the edge of reality.  Being the girl I once was, and this new, aware woman.  Or is this “aware” woman merely a decompensation of my original, true self?  Is my true self deteriorating?  And in the fear of that happening, I’m grasping at gossamer threads of reason that no human soul could possibly understand?

Am I crazy?

I see the crazy in everyone.  It’s a lot like when I smoke pot – I smoke pot and listen to others talk and it sounds like they’re the one’s on drugs, not me.  I can actually feel their insecurities and why they act a certain way or say what they say – I see all that, I FEEL it.  I want to grab them by their shoulders and shake them, pointing out who they are and what they do, but I know they won’t be able to understand.  They’re unable to see it.  The only thing that would come of it, is that they will  protect their character and defend who they are.  Anger and blame will transpire from their view of me making them feel unequal to myself.

Everything must be done mindfully and respectfully.  We learn at our own pace.

I can only help others by casually asking the right questions.  In time, perhaps they will see.

This isn’t the case with everyone however.  Some people I listen to while I’m stoned, make perfect coherent sense.  It’s the people who aren’t afraid to be themselves, the one’s who share their hearts to others – those are the people that make sense.  Unfortunately, there aren’t many of them.

I can’t smoke pot around most people because it makes me see them for who they really are.  It’s depressing and isolating.  Alcohol does the complete opposite in that it let’s me glide right into their world – I become one of them and it’s easy and fun to fit in.  And I excel at it!

I’m still lying in bed.  I really should brush my teeth and eat something.

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A Simple Quote Sprung This Leak

Everything inspires me.  Every second of every day I’m either hit with an inspiring thought or chewing over an old one.  It never ends and it’s driving me crazy!

Me – “Holy shit I have to write this down!  Like, right now I have to write it down!”

Not having time to write it all down to mull over, pains me.  Blogging takes up so much freaking time.  It’s not good when being a newly appointed business owner who has awesome idea’s to expand and grow but chooses to blog instead.  All my efforts are dusted off my business and onto my blog.  My blog that nobody reads.

I have serious priority issue’s.

Every morning I wake up, go to the bathroom and get excited about reading my bathroom book.  So excited in fact, that I get disappointed when my bathroom visit only lasts two minutes.  Today during those two minutes, I got inspired by a quote I read.  I forgot whose quote it was, possibly Spinoza, but not sure.

Anyway, it goes something like this:

“People believe they are free because they are conscious of the choices they make.  But they are not aware of the reasons behind their choices.”

Bah, I butchered it.  I can’t quote him exactly, but that’s the gist.

During my last massage, I started chewing this over and seeing how it ties in with my whole human philosophy theory.  During the last few weeks, I’ve been developing an ever-evolving theory about shit-heads (90% of the world).  The basis of the theory is basically that people are unaware and work in ways of self-preservation.  They find patterns so they won’t have to think, trusting their old idols beliefs rather than thinking for themselves, and being void of compassion and understanding by way of a habitual habit of putting themselves before others.  At their worst, everything they encounter becomes a personal attack, including things they don’t have (money).

I strongly believe that people who know their core (the true reasons behind their actions), are awake and aware.  They know how others see them, have the ability to see themselves,  and can bypass the muck of ignorance and denial.  They know the truth of their choices and know they are being directed by a belief system.  Having this knowledge allows them to be free and to actually think for themselves.  To exercise their free will and create outside the mold.

Instead of seeing a shrink to find out why they do what they do, or feel what they feel, they already have access to that knowledge.  When a person moves farther and further away from their core, the more a shrink is needed.

It’s all about stillness and calm.  Patience and a loving attitude towards yourself.  That’s where it begins.

But what’s at the base of beliefs?  In my theory, I feel that morals are at its base.  The further a person moves away from their center, the further away they get from their morals.  Small rights and wrongs differ from person to person, so childish people like to test.  They test mostly for their own amusement, or maybe out of frustration.

In my philosophy, I believe we are all connected to each other and that we have the same infinite knowledge to tap into.  To me, this connection entails a congenital moral compass of innately knowing right from wrong.  When we’re younger, we test this out – seeing what we can get away with.  It’s only through compassion and understanding do we start to realize why these things are wrong.

When a child asks why it’s wrong never say, “because it just is,” or “because I said so.”  These are unaware responses said by a fed-up survivalist piece of driftwood (analogy taken from previous post).  A question about morals always merits an explanation.  Especially when it’s being asked by a child!  By providing empty responses, it can shape your child’s future into garnering empty beliefs having no substance.  Kids have to be taught substance more than rules.  Otherwise they will listen to their idols telling them what to believe well into adulthood.

My father taught me substance at a young age.  He teaches me substance still.  My mother teaches me patience and compassion.

People have to learn from experience.  When they are young, they can experience, understand, and change.  But as they get older, it gets a lot harder.  It gets

online entitlement formula

online entitlement formula (Photo credit: marioanima)

harder because they forget everything they learned as a kid, and switch to survival mode.  They don’t need a reason to change, they’re just trying to make it through they day at this point.  And when I say survive, I mean that in the broadest sense of the word.  Protect themselves and protect their character (flaws and all).  The time for being a child has ended.  Welcome to the real world dirtbag.

When you’re cold, starving and tired, you don’t have the capacity to help others.

That’s the same as moving away from your warm nutrient-rich center.  You move away from the warmth love you can give to others and yourself.  You wouldn’t have the capacity to help anyone, same as when you’re hungry, cold and tired – you are away from your source.  You have nothing to pull from.

The older you get, the more you lack beginners mind and start to see patterns in everything.  You become trusting of an illusionary moral compass that lost its substance ages ago.  Empty driftwood….

Morals and compassion go hand in hand, using morals without your heart is like a cold judgement, a cold war.  A prejudice, a hatred, a discrimination.  To know proper morals, you have to know compassion.  Filling yourself with substance so you don’t become empty.  It’s hard when you can’t forgive others and take everything personally, feeling no gratitude, only entitlement – it feeds the cycle.  It gives your beliefs  credibility by relying on old thought patterns and others who also share your discriminations.  Awareness of this process will bring the suffering to an end, as long as you’re able to let go and learn.  Most of all, forgive.  Just forgive.  And forgive yourself for not being perfect.  The ego is the last thing to shed, it’s the hardest.

Some people gain perspective (substance) with small experiences.  Small learning experiences that take place can be a microcosm of the larger.  If it takes only a small experience to gain perspective and substance, the closer you are to your center.  Everything can be relative when close to the core.  Like a friend sharing a big chocolate chip cookie during lunchtime that their mom packed for lunch.  It feels great to receive, but better to share.  This small gesture can expand your heart forever if you let it.

The closer you are to your center, the more gratitude you feel when someone is kind.  If no gratitude is felt, or that you feel entitled rather, entitlement is going the wrong way.  Gratitude is expanding your experience to envelope perspective.  To see and know clearly right from wrong.  Entitlement brings you to believe that only you are right, or it’s only you that matters.

All of what I’m saying feels so very real to me.  Like, common sense kind of real.  It’s like hitting the nail, you know?

We are all the same at the core.  At the heart of everyone, is a kindred spirit.  An evil person is evil because they’re lost, so far away.  How to bring them back?  Suffering?  Finding humility through shedding of the ego?

It always comes back to suffering.  Suffering brings awareness, takes you to the core, but it’s more than that.  It makes you stronger.  Stronger for what?  More levels of awareness?  That’s what Aya told me.  According to Ayahuasca, there are many layers of awareness.  The deeper you go, the freer you become.  The more lucid you get, the more you see what this world really is, an illusion.

How much more can I wring out of my noggin’ today?  Have I said enough?  I know that as soon as I hit the publish button, I’ll think of something else.

No, I’m not going to publish it until my last client is out of here.  I usually think up all this shit while massaging.  It gives my brain something to do.

Self-awareness is a direct line into your powerful core being, but it’s not the same as being compassionate.  It’s the Yin and the Yang.  You have to be morally aware, not just self-aware.  Let’s say that ethics is the soil, then that would make you the flower.  The hardest part is figuring out which one to listen to.  But the good thing about being awake is knowing these things don’t work without each other, when you’re connected to your source, you won’t have to choose which side to listen to because they become one thing.  Awareness.

Okay, so let’s organize and summarize.  At your center awaits the Yin and the Yang.  Yin is the self, and Yang is God.  However, stating back to previous posts, the self IS God and God IS self.  All-righty, let’s think about that…Nope, too hard.  My head might explode.  The two are dependent on each other.  The closer you’re aware of this Yin & Yang, the more gratitude you feel.  And the more lucid and compassionate you become.  Moving away brings with it entitlement with no change, and I bet it’s a lack of inspiration too.  People must be inspired to grow.

I have never not once in my life been this inspired over every little thing.  When I was younger, in my early 20’s, I would go on wild philosophical tangents while being drunk at a bar, but I stopped out of embarrassment.  I could never remember what I was rambling about the night before and I felt like a complete moron for talking drunk dumb philosophy with a guy who wants nothing more than to jam his tongue down my throat.  But now here I am starting her up again.  Where have you been wacky brain?  Good to see you again.

I’m not drunk, but that doesn’t mean somethings not majorly wrong with me.  It’s possible that all this is pretend.  All a pretend story that I made up out of boredom.  It feels real because I see the patterns in it that are congruent with my beliefs.  Damn….it still ties in.  Even when I’m trying to be objective, it still all ties in nicely.  My perspective is the only perspective I see.  I can’t take myself out of it.  Damn, I’m an unaware rambling, narrow-minded idiot.

I honestly did pull all of this gibberish out of my ass.  Crazy, huh?  Well, the quote that sprang this on was not of my ass, but of an others.

Do flea’s fly?  I think I just seen a flea flying around my office.

If I am right about us having an interwoven moral compass braided into the fabric of our souls, then how can I practice what I preach?  Am I big enough to do it?  Am I close enough to my core being?  Eh, I don’t know.  My last client is a No-call / No-show.  Bastards…

I think something just bit me on my back.  Little bastard shit.

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Conscious thought and the power of self awareness

"Gathering the Light" from the Taois...

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“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

– Albert Einstein

Before I go to bed most nights, I ask myself a question. It sounds silly, but I always find the answer to the question the next day.

My last question I asked was, “what is meditation?” I read books on the subject, taken yoga, went through massage school without ever really grasping the point of it.  My teacher’s would tell me to be aware of the thoughts floating in my mind, then let them go. That is meditation.  The coming and going of thought.

Their explanations left me disappointed. I knew there was something more to it, and so last week I asked it as my bedtime question in hopes that my subconscious will find the answer.

However, it might not be my subconscious finding the answers, it might be something bigger.

I believe in this thing called “Global Consciousness.” It’s when people in your immediate surrounding (or as much as the whole world) share the same thoughts, emotions, and experiences as you do – it creates a psychic bridge between people, where their thoughts become your thoughts. Their knowledge becomes your knowledge.

Many inventions happen at the same time because of this, also senseless mass hysteria can happen, insane mob mentality, and why funny movie’s are funnier when you’re in a room with a bunch of people laughing.  Shared experience permeates the air and leaves a karmic imprint.

Anyway, I believe there exists outside of us, a vast array of knowledge of the past, present and future events and information living in juxtaposition alongside us. All we have to do is reach out and ask it specific questions.

“What is meditation?”

When I woke up the next day, I started thinking over my theory about effort – how the amount of effort you put into something is in perfect ratio with its rewards. “This is wrong,” I thought. You have to see the bigger picture. You have to be aware of what you’re doing. You have to be aware of yourself and your actions. You have to meditate on what you’re doing.

Meditation is finding self-awareness.

A good example of this can be seen in watching the first few rounds of contestants on American Idol. They put so much effort into what they’re doing, but they fail to hear themselves sing. They are not self-aware.

This reminds me of robots.  One reasson why robot’s can never be human is because they lack self-awareness.  Self awareness is in direct connection with what makes us human – what gives us soul.  Do the first few contestants on American Idol lack soul?  They’re lacking something it seems, just don’t know what.

I think teenagers go through a phase of self-awareness where they transform out of their little kid phase and into adulthood. They notice parts of themselves that are construed as being stupid, or childish.  And so they also judge others on their uncoolness or stupidness.

In meditation, you need to be aware of these thoughts, then let them go. Embrace them, then let them go. If you don’t let them go, you will be a grown adult still holding onto adolescent judgements and discriminations from your younger years.  Vanity and buying name brands come to mind.  Any type of shallow thought, if not let go, can hinder your ability at seeing things on a deeper, more meaningful level.  Holding onto learned judgements puts the ego in charge thus hindering your ability to make conscious choices (I’ll discuss that in a moment).

Anyway, what am I going to do with my knowledge about Self-awarness?….Hmmmm.  I can’t think of a damn thing.

I watched a Nova documentary about making choices.  There are two types of choices;  There is the “Ego’s choice” and then there’s the “Conscious choice.” The Ego’s choice stems from learned desires and conditioned thinking with very little free will involved. It’s not thinking creatively.

Then there is making a Conscious choice.

I wrote a while back that the hard thing to do is often the right thing to do. Like for instance, having good posture. We are naturally inclined to do things the easy way. It’s when you put in the effort and self-awareness to make conscious choices that impact your life for the better.

Think about it, God may have made us all equally lazy, but it’s the conscious people with their eyes open that lead brilliant lives and help the most people.  They know it takes a little extra effort, a little dash of soul, to do whats right for them and the world.

Those of us with our eyes still shut are just brilliant little lumps of unmolded clay – waiting expectantly for some light to be shone on us.  Being an unmolded lump doesn’t make us bad people.  I’m pretty lumpy and wouldn’t say I’m all that bad.

Want to know my lumpiness?  I’m still laying in bed at 4 p.m on a Tuesday. Is this a conscious choice to lay in bed at 4 p.m on a Tuesday?  I think so. Maybe. It’s certainly not the hard thing to do. I want to nap.

What I should be doing is starting a write-up for my new website and make paintings to sell on that website, but instead I’m laying in bed wanting to nap.

**********************************

A couple days ago I went to Sushi Sunday with some girlfriends I haven’t seen in a while. I drank one large and one small sake, then went to the bar with them afterwards. At the bar, I ran into people I used to work with at Stop and Shop 15 years ago.

Our relationship is unchanged. Our lives are basically unchanged….

One of the guys kept giving me pecks on the mouth. He had a crush on me when I was 16 working as a cashier.  I was 16 and I think he was 21 or 22.

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We drank a lot of beer, played some pool and then Kristina text me asking me if I wanted to go over to Dan’s for a campfire.  After asking her repeatedly if there was any alcohol there, we finished our pints and headed to Dan’s.  Sarah had to drive my car.  She picked up a cute 23 year old at the bar who was tailing behind us.

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I drank two vodka cocktails.  I was inebriated to the point of wanting to close my eyes and sleep in front of the fire.

I made it home somehow, ate Sarah’s left over hibachi dinner she forgot in the back seat of my car, and went to bed.

I woke up around 5 am feeling absolutely horrid.  My head was pounding like never before, I was cold and had to throw up.  I was desperately craving seltzer water, or club soda as I always do when hung over.

I laid in bed and didn’t move.  I laid there in misery for what seemed like at least an hour, maybe two.  I wanted to avoid throwing up because I hate hurling after eating – it’s gross.  I figured that if I put it off long enough, Sarah’s dinner would be almost all the way digested and the only thing that would come up is all the water I drank before going to bed.

Finally, I could no longer hold it off.  I was going to ralph, to retch, to toss the nasty cookies.  Sarah’s hibachi dinner wanted out.  I ran to the bathroom and stayed there for a while.  It wasn’t just water that came out of me.

When I was done, I went upstairs for some Advil, a tall glass of seltzer, a cold towel for my head and laid back down in my bed.  I felt better, but still sick.

I fell back to sleep and woke up at 2 pm, showered, dressed, and left the house to go give a massage to a man down the street at my other job who’s been coming to see me for the past four years.

I went home after the massage and played video games for hours and hours.  Yes, I am mighty lumpy indeed.

I still feel like crap.  I don’t know how alcoholics do it.

Here’s your moment of Zen.

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Filed under journal, random thoughts, Self help