Tag Archives: compassion

Activating People into Awareness

I woke up today feeling absolutely amazing – I mean happy, not healthy.  I’m still under the weather.  But I keep having awesome dreams about prosperity.

Last night before lights out, I was watching a documentary about mammals.  It was profound.  Just the way us mammals evolve.  Predators evolve to out-smart / out-run their prey, and their prey evolves to out-smart / out-run their predator.  It’s the great almighty rock tumbler that shapes us into our higher, stronger selves.

During mating season, all the males coral into the center of the flock, marking their territory, holding their ground, while the females peruse which males they like best.  While all the weaker males on the fringes get attacked by predators.  The process both weeds out the weak, but also has the opportunity to strengthen them.  It’s perfect harmony – all harmonizing to the beat of evolution.

Evolution never ceases to amaze me!

I feel that we are at a new stage in our evolution.  A kind of evolution that isn’t based on environment or global changes.  It’s an evolution in consciousness – we are so aware of ourselves, aware of how the environment and circumstances can shape us – so aware of the process that we are able to leap out of it for the first time in history.

There are no “bad guys.”  People who attack others are the ones still living in that animal kingdom of survival.  They’re a necessary evil for evolution.  But now things are shifting.  Compassion is weighing more than revenge.  Justice is prevailing over hatred and apathy.

Lose all hate and gain awareness.  That’s all there is to it.  If you choose to join in the action, it’s like going back into the game.  Playing a game that best suits you until you gain that next evolutionary leap – but the game itself does not matter.  It doesn’t matter if you win or lose – it’s a means to an end.  Anything in-between is all a delusion of ego.

The world we live in is a direct construct of what’s in our conscious minds.  If we all gain awareness, there will be peace – but are we ready for that?

It’s so easy to talk like this now that I made peace with the Melanie Haters (don’t like that term anymore).  I’m not a contradiction to anything I write.  It’s true freedom and true forgiveness.  It’s all so simple – really simple!  How can people not see it?  If the Haters are not at peace, it’s all within themselves and has nothing to do with me.   I am outside looking in – no longer in it – no longer affected.

I’ll tell you why they can’t see it.  It’s hard to put it in words because it’s still so young in my guts – in my feelings.

We can’t escape one an others realities.  We get sucked in.  It’s because of the conscious energy that shapes our world – we shape it unknowingly.  And on a smaller scale, we shape each other unknowingly.  Just with our thoughts!  Our judgements, beliefs, accusations – it becomes REAL.

That’s why it’s so important not to judge / blame people – we feed into that hatred or war.  Everyone’s at their own level of progression – you must respect their progress (this was a heavy insight told to me by ayahuasca).

Guru’s will tell you this stuff and everyone’s like, “yeah yeah we know….”, but to actually understand and see it!  People can’t understand it yet.  They’re still caught in the game, the delusion.  Caught in that mass conscious energy that they’re not aware of.

Sheeeit yo….

Anyway, when I was in my early 20’s, I became aware of how other people’s energies effected my own.  If they saw something in me (can not be put into words, but felt), I felt what they saw  – I truly felt it.  If they thought I was cute, my cuteness would shine.  If they thought I was funny, I became a laugh riot.  I became what people believed about me.

I turned this over and over in my head.

“How can I still be that person without the help of others to see it in me first?  What if they start seeing something bad that isn’t true?”

It’s about strength, belief and self-actualization.

People inevitably activate certain characteristics in others.  Everyone’s multi-faceted, highly complicated personalities having depth and emotion.  If you’re around someone goofy, and if they also see the goofiness in you – you will in turn act goofy.  Even if you’re depressed as shit, it won’t matter.  It won’t matter because someone saw something in you that wasn’t depression – it was fun and laughter.

You become who you hang out with.

I learned this at a young age – possibly in high school.  And when I turned 21, I realized I could easily use this insight to manipulate people however I wanted.  I actually had this discussion with that girl I was in love with when I was 21 and she said to me, “That’s not you.  You don’t want to use people.”

And her words to this day, put that question out of my head.  No, of course that’s not me.

How simple life is when you know who you are.

How simple life is once you learn the formula’s.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that everyone has the capacity to activate beliefs in others.  If you see something in a person, just by you seeing it (it doesn’t need to be verbal or communicated in any way), your conscious energy is a trigger that pulls on their hidden facet.  And the more people you have believing in you, the easier it is to be shaped by that belief and make it stick.  It can make you feel powerful, or can make you feel weak.

Just remember that strength is beauty in both the animal kingdom and in the spiritual kingdom.  If you’re going to evolve, do it right – be brilliant at it!

Goddamn I feel wonderful today.  Super sick, but super happy.  I feel the potential in me swelling up and expanding my ribcage.  There’s not enough of me to go around, and I can’t be contained any longer.  I feel large and inside I feel rock solid.  I want to share myself with others.

This is all part of my solitude cycle.  I always do this.  I figure shit out by being alone with myself and as I do this, it’s like revving up my engine.  Maybe at first I need to repair my engine, but then once I get her started, the old girl rev’s and heats up and bucks around like a wild horse on a lasso.

My thoughts keep me tethered.  And when my thoughts aren’t tethering me, my body is.  There’s not enough of me for everyone everyday.  There’s not enough of me for ME.

I get worn out so easily it seems.  People wear me out because they are like friction – not compatible with myself.  They are the velcro that sticks to me when all I want is for them to be on the same side of fury.  Fury, not hookie.

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Filed under All about me, random thoughts, Self help

Sacrificing myself for the greater good? Yeah sure, why not?

I’m having a bad case of the mean reds.  Mean reds are when you’re scared.  Sometimes I don’t know why I’m scared, but tonight I know why.  My heart is palpitating because it know’s why.

I had a draining day.  I confronted a Melanie Hater (I don’t like using that term anymore, but that’s how you know them by) earlier for brunch.  We talked about everything.  I knew that the waterworks were going to hit me sooner or later, so I surrendered myself to it.  I openly weeped while sitting in a booth in Grace’s diner.  I tried not making a scene, but it needed to come out.

She told me that I was not welcomed to go on vacation with them to Maine.  She didn’t feel comfortable with me being there.  She kept trying to cycle back to everything that I did, or said – taking the blame off of herself and being unable to empathize with how much she hurt me.  She’s not able to see it.  Like she’s not strong enough or doesn’t know herself enough to know others.  Compassion starts with the self.

She lacks the ability to see herself in others.

I saw everything that was happening and understood it.  I was being open and honest, baring everything, not hiding myself, not getting angry.  I used nothing but compassion and love.  Compassion and love.  I took everything I learned over this past year and used it to strengthen my faith, my courage and my love.  I used my knowledge to try and describe what it feels like to just lift the veil up over your eyes and to live a life of compassion, empathy and forgiveness.

She can’t do it.

“I feel like there’s a block in you.  Like you’re just not able to empathize with me.  I feel like the block is from something inside you that’s stopping it from happening.  Like you don’t have enough love for yourself or self-confidence.  You don’t see other people, you only see yourself and what you’re thinking.”

I wasn’t saying this to be harsh in any way.  I said it because I care about her and I wanted her to see the awesome person that she is.  If she opens up her channel of self-actualization, the love and confidence will follow and with it would come the ability to forgive others.  She’d be able to forgive others because she can accept and forgive herself.

She’s just not there yet.  She’s not there yet and I’ll continue to go through the ringer, but I choose it.  I choose to do it and in all actuality, it’s worth it to me.  It’s worth it to me because she’s my friend.  She’s my friend, so of course it’s worth it.

I told her that I’m sorry for everything I’ve done.  I told her that I loved her.  And then she told me one last time that I wasn’t welcomed to go to Maine with her before getting up and leaving me sitting there with my bitter sweet coffee of tears.

Except I had no more tears at that point.  I sat there nodding my head.  I was tapped out for the day.

But afterwards, I felt truly wonderful.  Completely head over heals in love with myself.  I felt like a rock, like an unshakable rock of truth and love.  And I knew at that moment that it’s in these moments that define my purpose.  I’m a giver, a healer, but I’m also the sign on your back that says “please kick me.”

I kick you awake beeyoch.

No, just kidding….

I can’t make anyone see what I see.  I can’t make them see what they’re not ready to see.

Losing the ego is the death of self – it’s completely terrifying.  Not only are you suffering loss, but also embarking on the unknown.  It’s an experience that must be felt, not told.  And the best way to help a person understand is only through love and compassion.  All I can do is give my love and compassion.  I can’t tell people anything, only show and give.  I baptize them with my own tears.  I embody the loving energy of Christ.  The same Christ that people intellectually know about, but feel too weak to embody forgiveness in themselves.

I’m there!

That monk really did do something to my brain.  Am I sure I really want this?  It’s a lonely path after all.  It’s lonely when being defenseless and laying my heart on the line.  I can feel it in my chest.  Pumping beneath my sternum – virtually unprotected.  But I can’t deny the strength I get from it.  It’s iridescent.

Today I hiked, cleaned my room, finished a painting and watched Lost.  I watched the episode where Julia dies by falling down a shaft and smashing the nuclear bomb with a rock.  I cried.  Then I watched a foreign documentary about a druggy prostitute called Loving Sophie.  I cried.  Then I tried watching a documentary about dying and grief – why did I do that?  I emptied myself out before shutting the movie off.

It got me thinking about how important it is to have supportive friends and family in times of crisis.  I thought about the Camino and I hate to say it but, what if something happens to me out there?  I’m not strong enough to do it on my own.  I need all the prayers I can get.  I need to know that people will be here for me when I get back.  That’s why going to Maine was so important to me.  To feel like I have something to come home to.  It’s unbearably scary knowing that I have nothing to come back to.

Hence the reason for the Mean Reds.

I’m so tired.  That rock tumbler is something else I tell ya.  Okay, I’m going to step out of the big almighty tumbler for the time being and look at it for what it really is.  It’s shaping me, evolving me and strengthening me.  I have to let it do what it does.  I asked for this.  There is nobody to blame but myself.

Unconditional surrender to the process requires unconditional love for others.

I will never forget this, never revert back to the old Melanie.  All thanks to you.  My memory bank blog.  My tender silent comrade.

This stuff is real, and if you pay enough attention to it, it might save your life some day.  Or somebody else’s.  Ah hell, it may save all of goddamned humanity.

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Filed under All about me, journal, rant, Self help

Melanie on Growing Up

20130330-135347.jpgI admire his straightforwardness – I really do!  It’s the people who skirt around truthfulness that piss me off.  I am more apt to respond nicely to this text, then I am to someone who’s hiding their intentions.

He showed me respect by being honest, I’ll give him that.

The real creepers out there developed a way of asking these questions without actually having to ask them.  And if I call them out on it, they get all defensive like I’m the bad guy.

You will be less of a creeper if you’re honest.  And respectful even!  I know how crazy that sounds, but it’s true.

People who aren’t honest, judge themselves more than anyone else.  They control the situation with  their ego, hiding the truth from others and even from themselves.  Whenever anyone’s not being honest, friction is bound to happen.  Friction, judgements, accusations, anger….

How do you find your honest self?  With self-actualization.  And how do you become self-actualized?  Confronting your true intentions.  The ego keeps us from ever really knowing ourselves.

The ego is essential for spiritual growth and evolution.  It is the reason for all our suffering and without suffering, we will not strengthen or ever know the true meaning of bliss.

And bliss to me, isn’t about giving hand jobs.

And hey, I’m not one to judge.  If people are into that sort of thing, let them be into it!  There’s nothing wrong with it as long as nobody’s getting hurt.

For me personally, it’s just not my thang. It really doesn’t matter if I do or don’t, all that matters is that that’s not how I want to define myself (or be remembered).  It’s like taking away that special something, and turning it into something mechanical and bodily, not spiritual.

I’m a mind, body and spirit kinda gal.  The universe won’t synchronize to my beat otherwise.


That monk from my dream really did do something to me.  My heart is open, my faith untouchable, my compassion expanding.  It’s like I’m sitting back with a cold lager in one hand, my blog in the other, and I’m just sitting back taking in the show.

We all need each other to remind us to let go.  We are learning from one another how to love and respect.   No one can ever hurt me again, no matter how bad it gets, nobody will ever be able to cause me pain.  I have too much compassion and understanding for any of it.  And even if I do manage to get hurt again, I roll with it.  I roll with it and it polishes me somehow.

None of it matters.  None of it matters simply because nobody see’s the truth.  If you’re on the receiving end of emotional abuse, you are no better than the abuser – you are both playing the same game.  Compassion is what keeps you tied, but it’s also the answer for stepping aside.  Self-actualization shows you where you are attached and where to let go.  Compassion for yourself is the thing most liberating.

One of my old friends called me up today.  One that I haven’t spoken to in years.  She told me that I sounded more mature, like I was all grown up.

Me – “Really?  I feel more mature.”

I haven’t thought about it until today, of how my awakening is showing on the outside.  I still act like my normal self – I’m still the same person.  But there are subtle changes taking place.  So subtle even to me.

It makes me think that we’re all children until we learn how to take responsibility.  And for us to take responsibility, we must conquer our hidden fear of those who hold authority or power over us.  We must become the person of authority (authority over ourselves).  Growing up is about believing in yourself.  To feel that you’re entitled to be here.  You have a voice and every right to be heard.

This is the reason for my inability to speak in public.  It’s also the reason why I get nervous on my birthday.  I feel that I don’t deserve to be celebrated, or that I don’t have any right to speak in front of a large group of people.  Believing that I do have a right, is tied in with spiritual awakening.

Stop asking permission when it comes to matters in your own life.

Once you get over the hump, you are free to play with it.  You start to see yourself crisper, to be fully connected with the movements of your body and verbal expressions.  You are in the drivers seat.  You can dance and sing better, communicate better, create anything…better.

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Filed under humor, journal, random thoughts, Self help

The Camino, facing your fears and contributing to healing the world, and the benefits of pot – all in todays entry

I smoked pot last night and started looking up info on the Camino.  I was high and mellow, letting the herb do what it does until I saw this picture:

road 2

“Oh shit what if something happens?  What if I twist my ankle or get so tired that I can’t go on?  I’ll be all alone in a foreign country looking down a road like that!”

Then it got worse.  I looked at several more roads and imagined myself on them.

road 3 road

“Oh shit oh shit oh shit I can’t do this!”

Then I watched this trailer for a documentary about the Camino:

(They say they have a new and improved trailer, but I like this one more.)

After that, I became excited again.

When looking down that lonely road what I’ll really be looking at are my fears, mostly my fear of death.  Pilgrims have no choice but to rely on one another for support and strength.  Being around people can make you feel courageous and strong.  It’s your love and their love that cuts through fear.

My pot addled brain told me that by walking the Camino, I’m helping the world heal itself.  By helping others along the way, by conquering my own demons, I’m adding to the bravery of others and in truth, I’m instilling bravery into the world.  It’s humbling down to the point of facing the truth in that we all need each other.

I can say that I’m walking the Camino for myself all I want, but I can’t get away from the truth of it effecting the infinite energy body of our one human spirit.  It’s unavoidable.  Last night I came to this realization that no matter what I do, how solitary or secluded I keep to myself, or how much I give – the world will be effected either way.

Then I told myself not to question this new insight once my high wore off.  There’s no logic to it, or words to describe it, but it was an unmistakable feeling of true reality.  It was a feeling – taking place in the deepest part of me.  If I were to try and break it down for my rational brain to accept, it won’t happen.  It’s true.  Leave it.

You have to trust these feelings as real and not argue.

I thought about Amy and how her perceptions seemed so real to her, but not real to the rest of the world.  And it made me wonder if all this I’m feeling is only in my head.  But then I realized it was her own fears coming to life.  She was projecting them onto me.  That’s why it’s extremely important to let go all fear – fear is absent of light, it’s evil all in itself.  It’s seeing the world through fear-laden goggles.  And you will never know what you’re afraid of until you become self-aware.

Honestly if you want to be humbled and forgiven, try facing your truest intentions.  There you will find your fears (or desires).  If you don’t know whether or not your intensions are honest, ask yourself if it’s the compassionate way, or merely your ego talking.  Compassion is the road to sainthood, and saints change the world for the better!

So why do people not choose compassion?  Because of their ego’s.

Ego’s keeps us in the “fun” zone.

When I was under Aya, she told me that the ego can be fun.  But to keep in mind that it’s not real.  It’s only a delusion, or illusion.  Ego makes you feel like you’re in control and you can play the world like a game.  She also said there are many games in the world to choose from, and they are all there as learning experiences.

I’m in work waiting for my last client.  Einstein, the dog, just licked the inside of my mouth – how do dogs know the exact place where you don’t want to be licked?

Maybe the mouth is the most vulnerable place.  That’s what makes it so sensual.  Oh man, am I still high?

I’m using pot as a tool to acquire these insights (it stimulates the pineal gland which is the gateway into the spirit realm).  But with pot, you have to cut through the boundaries of your ego whereas with ayahuasca, she detaches it with ease (unless you don’t surrender and trust).  In my experience with smoking weed, you have no choice but to let go of everything – when you don’t let go, the babble in your brain goes into hyper drive.

I don’t see the point in smoking it with others who treat it as a recreational drug.  The point of the experience will be lost if all you do is giggle and get silly.  Not to mention it makes me unbelievably lazy.  Before I smoke, I make sure everything is done for the day.  That I’m fed, I have water next to me, sheets are washed, alarm clock set – everything must be done otherwise I’d forget, or fall asleep.

I’m getting acquainted and familiar with the feeling of being high and so I’m able to guide it into my higher state of being – of course my body and language center are tuned out during this time, giving pot its bad rep.  Plus people abuse it.  But it’s just another tool, another sacred herb to reach us in ways that our everyday brain can’t understand.  We are so hard-wired and pattern-seeking survivalists that in order for us to get out of our patterns, we have to think differently.

Pot was calling to me for a reason, I knew it!  But how deep will I go with this?  How many layers and insights are there?  Am I strong enough to hold it together?

There’s a reason why we are in the dark.  People just aren’t ready.  They’re not strong enough – hence the importance of evolving.  The first step to evolving?  Self actualization.  Then there’s facing your fears, suffering, compassion, etc… and another layer of strength unfurls.

I learned all this on my own, but if you go on YouTube and listen to spiritual teachers for yourself, you’d see that this stuff is EVERYWHERE!  It’s strange I never noticed it before.  I’m 33 years old and I finally found my true religion.  More like it found me.

I’m finding that spirituality is a religion.  The truths are all congruent to the point where I can call it organized.  But unlike with other religions, Spiritual believers don’t fight or cause wars.  We don’t worship anything but ourselves.  We bow our respects to Jesus, Moses and the like – because ALL religions have truth, they all teach the same insights.  But they were organized and made solid by the fears of the parishioners.  If they let go of those fears, trust and let in compassion, they will embody God.  They would have no choice but to accept responsibility for their choices and the roads they had taken.  And that alone can scare the SHIT out of everybody!

Complete control and complete responsibility for all actions and all that happens to you.  Who wants to admit to their faults?  No one!  So they blame.  They are free to live a life of denial so long as they can place blame.  In a crazy way if you think long and hard about it, a fear based religion can do this.  Anything that places judgement, anything that places another person as being “higher” or “right”, causes war and hatred.

Again, another day not knowing what to write about turned into be a beauty.  My client will be here any minute so…..

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Filed under random thoughts, Self help, Travel

Melanie’s all over the place today. In today’s entry: Why People are compelled to get married, being enlightened, and the meaning behind Bob Marley’s song lyrics.

My face feels hot and I’m headachy and tired.  I’ve had insomnia for two days now.  I can’t sleep for two reasons, 1) I’m no longer going out getting shit faced and 2) I’m excited for my trip.

I’m in “work” waiting for my next client.

I looked up video’s about the Camino on YouTube and for some reason the exorcism of Annaliese Michel popped up among the Camino video’s.  And so I clicked on it – how could I not?  Then I clicked on a weird baby sliding around on a kitchen floor, clicked on a fat lady who had 3 demons in her stomach.  And after the fat lady, I clicked on the sounds of hell recorded from a 9 mile deep hole in Siberia.   YouTube is scary.  Why do I always end up in the scary part of YouTube?

Finally I got to the Camino video’s and watched.  So much walking!  The people in the video’s were all so happy, radiating smiles and hospitality.  Singular travelers both men, women, boys and girls, partnered up to continue their journeys together.

I’m an affable gal, that’s one thing I’m sure of.  I can make friends with a drop of a hat.  It doesn’t matter who you are or how crabby – you’d still want to be around me (always!).  I don’t know why this is.  I have no idea actually.  I’m so shy, but at the same time, so likable.  Being lonely on this trip has never entered my mind.

The thing is, I want to do it alone.  I feel like I need to, or that I’m supposed to rather.

Since I let my emotional abusive friend end the friendship, it has freed up so much of my time that now I get to focus on myself and learn exactly who I am and what I can/should be doing.  I have no attachments to anything, no distractions.

When I let go of my friend, I let go of everyone, not just her.  My emotional bind to people had been cut.  I was free from it all and just as I suspected, slid back into enlightenment and peeled back another layer of awareness.  I detached myself from the emotional dough of people.  The same emotions that manipulate and steady my focus to places I’m not consciously directing myself.  It’s hard writing about this stuff because nobody will understand me, or believe me even.

I don’t believe that a person can remain in the enlightened state for long.  We are too connected to this world physically that no one has the power to sustain it.  Words are part of this world, our five senses are too, along with emotions and thought.  All physical and organic biological substances.

We are not our thoughts.  Our thoughts arise out of the left hemisphere of our brain – they are an organic byproduct of our physical brain and nothing more.  Our brain is separate from the soul.

Thoughts spur emotions.  Chemical responses that feed our thoughts and make them deeply felt.  We are not our emotions.  Emotions are hormones and chemicals that are also a byproduct of the organic brain.  Meditation helps quell the babble of the left hemisphere so we can become more aware – to think and connect differently.  With meditation there are no thoughts, only a clandestine understanding of who we are.  Meditating on this very moment can ebb the babble.  Focusing on the here and now – nothing else matters.

When I was under the influence of ayahuasca, I asked her “what is love?”  She never responded.  She never responded because I still understood it at the physical level, the mental and emotional aspect of it.

This time while I was enlightened, after letting my friend go along with all the others, I asked the question again.  “What is love?”

“Compassion is love.”

I was in work waiting for my first client.  That’s when all this happened.  It started with our daily texting escapades.  It was hard to let one hour go by without texting each other.


This happened nearly everyday.  She would make up at least one reason to end our friendship – sometimes it happened more than once a day.  On this particular day, it happened twice before 11am.




(She doesn’t read my blog anymore so I can get away with this.  But still, I might die.  You never know.)

I’m not going to post pics of all the texts, it would take forever.  I bet reading it from an outsiders view makes it all look childish.  And it WAS childish.  I was sucked into her warped world by defending myself day in day out.  Trying to explain myself was like adding fuel to the burn, the cycle of manipulation that held my strings.

I became enlightened before my first client of the day, and remained enlightened after the massage and for the next hour.  I was hungover tired, so I turned off the bright lights, lit my ambiance lamps, lit some candles, turned on my table warmer and laid down on the massage table.  It was heaven laying there.  I wanted it to last for the rest of the day.

“Wow so this is what clients feel when they lay on my table?  No wonder they keep coming back!  I don’t even need to touch them.”

The enlightened state of mind made the world seem like a dream.  My head felt light as if drugged.  My physical body felt as it did after consuming ayahuasca – but without the sickness.  My surroundings were swishy, my head weaved side to side.  You don’t have to believe me, but it’s true.  These were my physical symptoms of enlightenment.  It could be different for everyone, who knows.

After learning that love is compassion, I went deeper.  I wanted to know why people couple up and get married because at that moment, I felt whole.  I had no desire in finding that “special” someone.  I had no desire to be in that emotional weighted dough that drags on our souls.  I was out.  And I felt free.   So why then, do people get married?

The response to this question was powerful.  So powerfully felt and understood that it was unmistakable.  And I didn’t like what I was being told.  I didn’t like the answer to why people form relationships.  Enlightenment taught me that it’s the product of three things:  Fear, need and lust.

I’m a sucker for love.  I love romantic movies, love songs, the feelings of euphoria.  I’m looking forward to the day when I will be “rescued” and have my happy ever after.

“No, no it can’t be.  It can’t be everyone.  Not every relationship is like this.”

It’s everyone.  Well, at least for 90% of them it is.

Then the enlightenment went a step further and explained why.

Fear:  Fear of being alone and fear of death.

I didn’t understand how the fear of death relates to relationships.  And because I didn’t understand, I was shown.  The visualization happened rapidly and vividly.  I had no control over what I was seeing.  I saw myself aging rapidly, then I became a corpse that was also deteriorating rapidly.  I was hit with sheer panic of knowing that someday I will die.  I WILL die.  I was stricken with panic and terror.  Not only terror, but of loneliness.  I wanted to grab hold of someone, anyone.  I didn’t want to do it alone, and I didn’t want my life to end without having purpose or meaning.  A person would bring it meaning.  A person could save me from death.

It makes me think of the red ants that live under ground in rain forests.  When flash floods happen, the ants only way for surviving is by clinging to each other.  They form a life raft and float on the water.  They would sink by themselves.  They need at least one other ant to hold them up.

It’s instinctive to hold onto life – hold onto somebody to save you.

Need:  Everyone’s needs are different.  But mostly everyone feels like a whole person when they are partnered up with someone.  People can marry for ego, having a trophy wife or husband.  Some marry for money, security, a sense of well-being and being taken care of.  They have babies to secure the relationship and bring meaning into their lives – to have something to love and protect.  Some marry to fulfill their narcissistic need for gaining love and admiration.

Having a mate can satisfy emotional and primal needs.  It forms a completion of self.  Without that other person, your world falls apart.  You fall apart.

Some people get married simply because they’re supposed to or because it’s natural and expected.  In many countries people get married and have kids simply for the security of being taken care of when they get old and feeble.

Some of these needs make sense, but they are driven by fear.  Fear is what breaks the feeling of completeness – the circle of awareness breaks and must be replaced.  They replace it with a person who can supposedly “save” them.  They cling to strength – a person who is stronger than they are.  Or cling to an equal – to team up and navigate life together.  Or cling to a weaker individual as a source of feeling needed, powerful and in control.

If a person is not whole on their own, they thirst for a companion, a counterpart.  The void gets filled and they no longer have to face the existential reasons of existence.

Lust:  People lust with their eyes and not with their hearts.  The eyes like what they see and they want a piece.  They want a piece of the candy.  It’s like viewing a beautiful masterpiece and wanting to take it home to hang between your legs.

To lust without love is selfish.  It’s taking or giving without mindfulness or understanding.  It’s not a soul connection, but a body connection.  The lust becomes a need, a desire.  And the lust also becomes fear – fear of losing that which you desire most.  Lust ties everything up nicely to make these three components vital ingredients for the euphoria of being in love.  And it can make you unconditionally blind.  You can lose yourself and your awareness.  You can lose your sense of self and of doing whats right or necessary for yourself and for others.

But then there’s the feeling of fate.  When you meet someone and intuitively know you were destined to meet.  You know that somehow they will be in your life.

Everyone is placed in our lives for a reason.  Some radiating a stronger purpose than others.  Now, take that feeling of fate coupled with the euphoria of being in love, it’s something that is far too intense to ignore.  It’s kismet, it’s love and it’s the happy ending you’ve been waited for.  It’s the happy ending you deserve.

Being in love doesn’t apply to the spirit world.  Not the love nor the hurt that stems from it.  Once you’re out of body, you are truly free (unless you end up in a hell world, then you’re pretty much screwed).

Marriage is good in the way of teaching transcendence.  The marriage will only work if you’re able to put your primal needs aside, and have compassion for your spouse at all costs otherwise it will take your sanity.  The weight of fighting off addictive primal emotions will crush you.  Transcending human need/fear is the only way.  Lust, need and fear will no longer be an issue.  You don’t need your spouse, but love them.  And you want them to be happy.  Their happiness is all that matters to you.  Hopefully by that point, both spouses still have their wits and have not spiraled into madness.  If one of them goes crazy, it’s hard to undo crazy.

The love you have for a pet, that is compassionate love.  The love you have for your family, your kids, an old lady hobbling down the street with her arms full of groceries, the bald leukemia kids you don’t want to see when you turn on the tv – that’s all compassion.  That’s real love.  It’s love without need or desire – just pure soul.  Pure heart.  It’s like Bob Marley says, One Love, One Heart.  Bob Marley was an enlightened individual who knew truth.

There aren’t different kinds of love, there is only one real love.  Bob knew that.

Person #1 – “Have you ever been in love?”

Person #2 – “No but I have lots of love to give.  I know what love is.”

Person #1 – “Who have you loved?”

Person #2 – “My nieces and nephews.  They taught me what it feels like to really love someone.”

Person #1 – “I love my boyfriend, but not in that way.”

Person #2 – “Why not?  There is only one way.  One love.”

All else is need, lust and fear.  An incompleteness of self.

I’m not saying I don’t believe in romantic love, only that it’s dangerous to need and depend on anyone.  You should never feel that you have to, or that you’re obligated.  No one can ever complete you and you should never put that on anyones shoulders.  No one should put that on your shoulders either.

I would like to believe in soul mates, but most of us don’t end up with them.  We have too much baggage, too much learning to do before we are able to meet them.  We’re not polished enough to slide into happiness and comfort because if we did, we wouldn’t appreciate it as much.

And as for me, I chose the single life simply for the reason of not wanting to depend on anyone.  I’ve stayed single this long because I didn’t feel like a whole person yet – I didn’t want my void to be filled with a person, but to find the transcendence on my own to avoid future suffering from divorce, or a stifling marriage that holds back my journey and my real purpose.

This time in my life, for the very  first time, I’m absolutely free.  It’s exhilarating and liberating.  Opportunities are endless, I see endless inspiration from all creative endeavors I encounter.  Whether it be a simple sentence, a persons face….It’s everywhere I turn.  Beauty and art is everywhere and in everyone.

After years of going out socializing, being in the thick of things, the emotional dough of fun and tears, I’m out.  I’m out and I want to take a sabbatical from it all.  I want to spend this time with myself and witness my dreams come true.  They will never come true if I spend all my time with a controlling person, or crying over the shit show of 2012, dulling my pain with pint after pint, no.  To do so would be a delusion – the illusions that emotions play – they are not real.  None of that stuff matters, it never mattered.  Letting myself get bullied, controlled, resented, hurt, blamed, betrayed, forgotten – none of it is real, it was never real.  It’s the base level of spirituality.  It’s being at the same emotional level that feeds the offense.  And from an outsiders perspective, it IS childish!

I know as I write this, nobody’s going to believe any of it.  But hey, maybe someday you will.  You’ll get there yourself.

As of now, I have put my old friends on the back burner while I played the game of emotional punching bag.  I fooled myself into thinking everything was peachy.  But from my new standpoint, I don’t want to go back in.  Those people are so adversely different from me.  The way they think, how they act, what drives and motivates them, their callousness, their inability to see what I see…

People call me wanting to hang out.  My phone remains on silent.  Even my adorable peruvian genius client wants to get together, but that will be like going back into the mix.  I don’t think I’m ready for that.  When and if I do go back, it won’t be the same.  I’m not the same person anymore.  The only one driving me is myself.

Anyway, I originally wanted to write about the Camino and if I should partner up with others on the journey, or remain a lone traveler.  That was the original intention of the post, but all this other gunk came out.

I decided that if I’m meant to meet people, I should let it happen.  If it’s meant to be a lone journey, I should roll with it and surrender.  Don’t fight anything and let the universe take care and guide me.

I have to go back to that Bob Marley song…

The guy was truly enlightened!  I hear it in his music.  His songs resonate with me.  I’ll decipher the meanings for you.  I’ll highlight them in red.

One Love! One Heart!

Let’s get together and feel all right.

We all possess and experience the same love.

Hear the children cryin’ (One Love!); 

Hear the children cryin’ (One Heart!),

This exposes the one love that is compassion.  To “hear the children cryin'” brings out compassion.

Sayin’: give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Sayin’: let’s get together and feel all right. Wo wo-wo wo-wo!

Giving thanks to the Lord in the Rastafarian sense is to offer the sacred herb, canibis, by smoking it.

And by doing so, it will make you feel all right.  Wo wo wo – wo.

Let them all pass all their dirty remarks (One Love!);

He doesn’t judge or get angry at the Haters.  Dirty remarks can’t harm him.  He’s above it because he feels compassion for them (One Love!).

There is one question I’d really love to ask (One Heart!):
Is there a place for the hopeless sinner,
Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own beliefs?

This completely hits home with me!  I wrote about it before.  People don’t want to give up their beliefs, and by not giving up,  they go way too far to preserve them and prove to everyone they are right.

One Love! What about the one heart? One Heart!
What about – ? Let’s get together and feel all right

He’s pleading with those stubborn people to go towards the light of compassion.

As it was in the beginning (One Love!);
So shall it be in the end (One Heart!),
All right!

Basically to me this means God created man.  We sprang from compassion and love.  God created man and man created the devil.  The only evil in the world is that of our own fear and ignorance.

Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Let’s get together and feel all right.
One more thing!

Let’s smoke it up and feel all right.

Let’s get together to fight this Holy Armagiddyon (One Love!),
So when the Man comes there will be no, no doom (One Song!).
Have pity on those whose chances grows t’inner;
There ain’t no hiding place from the Father of Creation.

Holy Armagiddyon is upon us and will wipe out all the sinners.  Bob is giving the message that we have the power to stop this.  We stop it with love and forgiveness.

And if the sinners continue to sin, we need to take pity on their souls because they have nowhere to run.

Sayin’: One Love! What about the One Heart? (One Heart!)
What about the – ? Let’s get together and feel all right.
I’m pleadin’ to mankind! (One Love!);
Oh, Lord! (One Heart) Wo-ooh!

Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Let’s get together and feel all right.
Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Let’s get together and feel all right.

The thing with Bob Marley is that he brought out the best in people, and the worst in people.  He wanted everyone to know themselves and what monstrosities they are capable of.  He purposely never wrote a will or allocated his belongings after learning his cancer was terminal.  He wanted his friends and family to face their own demons of possession and greed.  At least, that’s according to the Bob Marley biography on Netflix.

Wow my last client was a bitch!  This hardly ever happens.  Ugh.  Whatever dude..

Speaking of bitch, I’ve done a bad thing.  Not intentionally though I swear!

A while back I wrote about why and how I resigned from Massage Envy.  This involved a pic of the lead therapist.  I love that post, absolutely love it.  It’s hysterical and well written.  Everything in it is factual.  So anyway, I copied her profile pic off of FaceBook and stuck it here on my blog.  Little did I know that her name was attached to that photo.  File names are extremely sensitive to google searches, every SEO knows this.

Now I have people searching her name and sure enough, they’re directed here to my blog to read the full scale of what kind of woman she is.

I never meant for this to happen!  I went in and changed the file name, but I’m still getting hits off of her.  It’s a big world, there’s got to be more than one person out there with her name.  I pray she never googles herself.

Everything you do has consequences.  The universe works in the way of karma.  It’s not to keep things in balance, but to teach and guide you.  Nobody learns.  People need to meditate!

Did I do something wrong here?  Should I take into account my own callous actions?  I’m no great neutralizer, I’m not the karma God.  What gives me the right to sully her name all over the net?

Oh well too late….

I have to put my blog down for a while.  I ordered two new books on Amazon about the Camino that I need to read.  They should be coming today (yay!).  I also want to touch up on my Spanish.  I have a weird adaptation to languages, I can learn them in a jiffy (math however, I’m a complete dunderhead).  I still need to go to the bank to deposit my Camino money and book my flights and hotel and all that jazz.  Figure out what historic sites I want to see.  Basically, I have a lot of work ahead of me.

So farewell to you dear blog.  You’re amazing, never forget that!

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