Tag Archives: fear

The Truth About Honesty

Lies

Lies (Photo credit: Gerard Stolk (vers l’Ascension ))

Hi I’m Melanie and I’m walking the path of awakening.  It ain’t easy.  It involves confronting my truest intensions and facing my deepest fears.  This is a process that I have to stay diligently aware of.  This can be done by reflecting on my actions.

When you embrace your dark side, you accept yourself AS IS.  To know your dark side, it transforms itself into light.  Love, acceptance and compassion for yourself arrises.  Any negative thoughts left-over should be processed and accepted – not fought.  The ego merges with the soul and it’s all done through self-compassion.

Layers of understanding start to unfold.  You can find the answers inside because you are part of the infinite.  When you’re ready for a new layer, it will be shown to you.  You feel a shift in perception and in seeing truth.  It may not always be the truth you were hoping for, but a truth that sets you free.  Know your hopes, and you know your fears.

Empty your beliefs to see truth – no one can tell you what’s true.  You have to get there on your own.  Memorizing the advice of Guru’s is not the way.

If you are unhappy with your life, you become stagnant.  Your soul becomes shrouded in a hard-shelled rigor mortis box.  Debris collects on your superficial surface to try and mask whats inside.  Your fears hold you back and your comfort zone becomes a crypt.

I feel at this time in my progression, the small negative thoughts are barely noticeable.  But I still have fear.  I fear my own limitations as a functioning adult.  I don’t have enough experience with being an adult, and so I fear it.  My fear holds me in my comfort zone of security. Tethering myself to video games, beer and my parents.

A new layer into my awakening is just around the corner.  I feel that the only way to break free from my parents is to be honest with them.  Any form of lying is in truth, a hidden fear in the liar.  The liar can not let go (or confront) something, and so must lie in order to protect it.  I’m protecting my comfort zone of being a non-adult.

I lie to myself by saying “it would kill them if they knew the truth.  It would hurt them…etc.”  It would hurt them because they also need to let go.  Letting go feels like dying.  Like a part of you is breaking off – a shard from your soul becomes tethered to another.  You can see where you’re tethered if you’re able to see your lies.

The lie protects the person lying, not the one being lied to.  There is no progress in lies, only anger, confusion and darkness.  When you’re working out negative thoughts, I’m certain there is a lie being told to yourself that you’re not seeing.  But guess what?  It doesn’t matter!  Once you see the lie, you come to find out that Holy Crap no, it truly does not matter.  It can then be released into the ether.

I can say with forthright conviction that everything I write here in my blog is the authentic truth of a girl piecing the pie together.  I lie to my parents, and I know it’s wrong in many ways, but I’m not there yet – but I’m close!  I get closer and closer to telling them the full truth and they are getting closer and closer to accepting it.  My mother today told me that she feels herself accepting my freedom to own my own life.  It has to happen at her own pace, and I keep pushing her forward.

My parents know everything I’m doing in Spain except for the fact I’m doing it alone.  They also don’t know about the peyote ceremony.  They’re just not ready, and neither am I.

How odd it is to see all this happening.  My awakening is my therapist.  It’s different for everyone, but this is my personal journey with it.  The familiarity of these insights are all congruent with others walking the path.

Everyone’s running from something.  This world is shaped by fear, people are fundamentally shaped by fear.  I want to embrace it (within reason).  I want to confront it.

Every emotion we have, every thought we make, is a choice.  I choose my suffering – I don’t hide from it.  I’m not running anymore.  And from where I’m standing, my strength outweighs my fear and my love for myself makes me shine through any heartache.

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Melanie’s Epic Epiphany Part 2: Courage, Duality, Faith, Belief, Karma, Feedback Loop and all that jazz

Fear terror eye

Fear terror eye (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

Hang on tight to your sanity stockings ’cause shits about to get deep up in here.

Okay, so what I’m about to tell you might be very hard to grasp, but try to stay with me.  I’ll go slow and write concise.  I’m learning this stuff as I go along, so nothing is settled in me as I type.  I write and then it becomes settled.

I experienced an epiphany while I was playing in a poker tournament last week.  The epiphany was about knowing where your limits are and finding the courage to move past them.  Whenever you test your faith, that’s when you learn where your limits are.  Poker is a game where you get to play around with this.

I’ll get into all that in just a little bit, but first I need to tell you about an out of body experience shared by four separate travelers.

I like to read about peoples experiences with going out of body.  On several occasions I came across stories about astral travelers ending up in places where they can choose to go deeper, but fear holds them back.  Their bodies become immobile.  The places they described were mostly all different, but their experiences are eerily the same.

For one woman it was a hallway.  The further she walked down the hallway, the more scared she became.  She knew there was something important at the end of the hallway, but she couldn’t get there.  She wasn’t brave enough.

And in another story, there was a man at a cinema.  He went inside a dark theater and started walking towards the movie screen down the long middle isle.  The further he moved down the isle, the more frightened he became.  He looked around at all the others sitting in their seats as you would expect in a regular theater, but only there in that particular theater he knew that those people picked those seats because they were unable to progress further down the isle.  They went as far as their courage could take them.

With each step, terror rose in him until even just the slightest inch forward sent him into panic.  He could move no further.  He had to take his seat in the nearest row.

Two other people experienced this test of courage with a pyramid.  They were not traveling together, but arrived at the same pyramid by chance.  And as luck would have it, I stumbled upon both articles.

They started walking towards a pyramid made out of crystal.  At first it was effortless, but then became increasingly difficult.  There were obstacles in the way.  They became stricken with fear the closer they came to the pyramid.  One made it, while the other did not.

These stories are scattered everywhere on the net.  They’re hard to find if you specifically look for them, but if you read enough OBE’s they pop up.

I connected the poker tournament with the fear of walking down that dark corridor.  I saw it so plainly – I seen and felt it.

Poker is a microcosm of human behavior and interaction.  You are dealing with raw emotion, concise purpose, and have little control over what cards you’re dealt – at least you think you have little control.

It’s been a while since I had this epiphany, but I remember duality playing a huge role in your luck.  The duality of physical reality over spirit. The abrasive rub that shapes us and makes us stronger.

Everybody wants to win – you want to win.  If the law of attraction is real, than why can’t you win?  It won’t happen because you don’t have the courage in yourself to make it happen.  You don’t believe.  You don’t have enough strength.  You don’t have the trust or faith in taking that next step.  And if you tried taking that next step, you would become terrified of the unknown possibilities – losing your ego and sense of control.  Going deeper feels like death.  Unless you’re confident or don’t care about winning, you will feel a looming dread every time you rely solely on faith.

The imagery and knowledge seeping into me was inescapable.  If felt so real.  As real as the pocket 10’s in the folds of my hands.

I reached enlightenment as I sat there holding my cards and staring at all the other players.  I saw them plain as day.  All their tells, all their thoughts, fears, anxieties.  The room became hazy and misty, my head felt light and dizzy.

Me thinking – “Holy crap this is real.  This is so real.  I can feel my own fear.  I can see my own distrust, my own limits!”

I physically felt blocks in front of me preventing myself from moving further.  I hadn’t the faith or the courage.

I understood.  I understood everything.

Okay, now let’s take it a step further.  This dualism that we see everywhere is actually a feedback loop from one unifying, underlining entity.  The “dualistic” part is merely our perceptions trying to rationalize one thing.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction (karma).  The reactions will keep happening until there is homeostasis – peace.  In order for these exchanges to happen, it must sprout from one continuous, harmonious cycle of energy in flux and flow and in communion with itself.

This is done with the help of a feedback loop.  Our current actions shape our futures and those futures direct our present moment.  It feeds back into itself.  Like an ouroboros.

If we are aware enough to visualize our futures and take the appropriate actions needed to achieve those visualizations, the feedback loop will reciprocate and good karma will come of it.  You don’t have to be compassionate, giving or enlightened – as long as you believe in yourself and have faith, you can achieve anything.

When faith outweighs the fear…

But if you do achieve success while being unenlightened, you won’t have peace.  You’ll still have to deal with the universe throwing you curve balls trying to wake you up – but at that point you’ll have so much success that your ego blocks everything out.  You may even end up losing your entire empire if it’s being loosely held together with ego, fear and control.

Inside all physical reality exists a piece of the spiritual and inside the spiritual exists a piece of the physical.  They exist simultaneously.  The physical acting as a mirror, a shadow from the infinite expansion of the spiritual.

We can effect the feedback loop because the feedback loop is dependent on the sum of it’s parts.  It is a living, breathing mechanism that we are all a part of.

If God creates everything in the universe, and we stop worshiping the teapot instead of drinking the tea – we can create too.

Skeptic – “Why would God create poison berries and plant them next to edible berries?”

Me – “That’s the duality that shapes us.  Fear shapes us and keeps us alive, aware and evolving.  You can never have one without the other.  You should never judge one as being “bad” while the other “good.”  They are both one and the same energy of nature.

Skeptic – “But what about all that garbage you said earlier about having faith and no fear?  You would end up eating the poison berries yourself you fool!”

Me – “Okay shut your pie hole and listen up.  You have to accept and respect natures process.  It humbles you by doing so.  Being knowledgeable and utilizing that knowledge is how we evolve our brains.  The poison berries serve their purpose in the world.  If you want to test your faith, go ahead and eat them.  It weeds out all the arrogant gluttons.”

The meek shall inherit the earth.

Skeptic – “Okay wise ass what about parasites?  All they do is feed off their host.  How’s there any purpose in that?  What do they give back?”

Me –  “A parasite feeds for survival and by them feeding, subtle changes take place in their host that leads them into developing a series of complicated evolutionary leaps that both evolves and strengthens their immunity. And as we evolve, so does the parasite.”

(That’s why antibiotics are bad.  We stop evolving and the parasite keeps growing.  And our eyes are getting weaker because we insist on wearing sunglasses!  Our DNA actually changes when we put on a pair of shades and that DNA is passed down to our children.  Do I personally wear sunglasses?  Of course I do!  They make me look cool and mysterious;)

There is no good or evil, nothing is ever all black or all white.  There’s only awareness and using that awareness to see how everything fits into place.

Contrasts create beauty.  Contrasts teaches us choice and free will.  They form our individuality, our self-awareness and our ability to create.  Contrasts helps us in distinguishing what’s what.

The illusion of duality is necessary to sharpen us, or to smooth us – depending on your role in the great almighty rock tumbler.  Labeling something as being evil is a sharp judgement and an arrogant unaware reaction to an undesirable retribution of karma.  Learn to let it go.  Let go or make war.

Judgement serves in protecting ourselves.  Whether it protects our ego’s or our lives – we manage to stay ahead and in control.  This is how all species survives.

We must separate ourselves from the animals by using our self-awareness.  That is the only thing that separates us from them.  And once we find it, there will be peace.

The crazy part is, we NEED those sharp people in the tumbler as much as they need us!  They need to feel loved and accepted as much as we need to be polished from the pain they inflict.  It’s the yin and the yang, the snake eating its tail.  David would not be David without Goliath.  Goliath was just as much a part of the sacred, blessed light as David – so much so that he can be hailed as a martyr.  His death created a great man and all he got in return was hate, judgement and blame for all of eternity.  Who’s the real hero in the story?

Once you see duality as being the one infinite conscious energy that it is, you’ll be out of the blame game of hate.  You will learn and understand compassion in its entirety.

And seeing how all this fits / plays together so simply, astounds me.  There is no longer a blank day in my life where I don’t find myself being astounded over something.  I’m blessed.  I’m freaking blessed!

Anyway, I made it into being one of the last 7 players in the poker tournament.  There were about 40 of us at the beginning.  Not bad for a first timer.

Mellie likey poker.

Muah ha ha.  Is this my angle for world domination?  Eh hem, I mean living a quiet peaceful life?

If you’ve read all this than bravo.  You get a lolly.

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Learning is Believing and Seeing is Creating

I only have one more watercolor class left until it’s all over.  I love this class –  I really love it.  I love the ladies, the instructor, and the woman sitting next to me who can’t handle criticism.  I can see myself in all of them.

People become vulnerable when learning or doing something new, and if you look close enough, you can see your own reflection in their fears and weaknesses.

I’m only able to see myself with the help of others.  It’s like I see myself in them and understand that if I don’t like what I see, I can change it in myself.  I can change it because I know myself.

My mother was the first person whom I learned this from.  I was only a kid, maybe 6 or 7.  I learned that she was unable to see the person she became.  I kept thinking over and over, “If only she can hear herself.  If only she can see herself…..”

I became enamored with our old Sony camcorder bought in 1988.  I was 8 years old lugging that big thing on my thin bony shoulder.  I wanted to capture the true nature of people – the parts they miss out seeing while being in their first person perspective.  I became the one responsible for recording video at all family functions.  My high-pitched squeak voice narrated.  I was rarely seen in our home video’s, only heard.

Creating yourself is about seeing yourself, whether you like what you see or not.

That’s why I believe art to be self-actualized.

I’ve always been somewhat good at artsy things.  I don’t consider it being a natural talent – there’s no such thing as natural talent.  Natural talent can’t be explained, but the way we learn can be explained.  It’s not only about how we learn that brings about talent, but also the passion we have for our endeavors mixed with the belief in knowing that we’re good enough.  No limits.

However, ayahuasca told me that I do possess unique talents.  Perhaps she was talking about my ability to understand how to create.  Patience and a steady hand, but the most important thing being:  Don’t take it seriously!

I hate to bring up ego again but, seriousness breeds itself in the ego.  It’s judgment of yourself and of others.  It’s void of trusting and believing in yourself – it’s your fears incarnate.

It’s only when you let go of being serious, you are able to play and have fun.

All the ladies in the class are taking watercolor too seriously.  They’re afraid of every brush stroke, while I’m sitting there cross-legged on my chair, thumbs in the thumbholes of my hoodie, daintily daunting the paper with the tip of my brush and thinking – “whatever happens, happens.  I’m having fun!”

This is the part of my personality that can be annoying.  My ability to just not give a shit, and at the same time, showcase talent.  Why can’t people put these two together?!

Relinquish your need to control.  You will never be able to control your fears.  Let it go.

Everything will be okay in time.  In time, I will get good.  Also, when you let your ego govern you, you’re not learning anything.  All you see are mistakes and frustration – that’s not playing and when you’re not playing, you’re not learning.

Anyway, my big trip is approaching.  Peyote in Arizona and then hiking 500 miles in Spain.  All I want to do is sit on the toilet to stop myself from shitting my pants.  I’m not a traveler – I don’t do things like this.  Especially not alone or without a guide.  I’m 33 years old and I still live downstairs from my parents!

They don’t know I’m going by myself.  And I assure you, I am NOT smart.  But stupid people have the best adventures, right?

On top of all that, my stupid-ass managed to get uninvited to go on vacation with my old friends – the same friends I grew up with thinking that they were the only friends I would ever need.  I was uninvited as quickly as I was invited.  Why?  Because I wanted to make sure they actually wanted me to go.  And as it turns out, they don’t.

My heart feels the physical pangs of hurt (even though I didn’t think that was possible anymore), isolation and fear.  Unwillingness to believe it’s possible to be abandoned all over again – how can it be?  What did I do?  I have to accept it.  I have to deal with it.  But shit, it hurts.

But I also feel courage.  I have courage and faith.  And I know for certain that there’s nothing more important to me right now than going on this trip.  This is my life – this is exactly what I want to do with my life.

I flipped thru my journal from Colombia earlier today.  I wrote while I was toked up on ayahuasca and another time with yopo.  Why not share some pages with you?  Hell, you know everything else there is to know about me….20130403-020703.jpg20130403-020621.jpg

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Huh I just re-read a paragraph and it makes me think once again that everyone here living on this planet are here because they are fearful.  EVERYONE!  The only way out of it is faith.  To have faith, suffering to attain that faith, and become strong and light.  My faith is still shakeable, but I’m getting there.  Compassion Melanie.  Must remember compassion, being humble and open.  This world is fantasy.  Believe.

I am a light spirit.  No no scratch that.  I am thee light spirit.

Okay, being thee light spirit isn’t humble, but I’m playing in my ego which is totally okay so long as I know it’s just a delusion.

I know I sound crazy but I’ve been reading other spiritual teachers and let me just tell you hole-lee-shit it’s everywhere.  It ain’t just me.  And the SAME insights no less!

It’s profound.  Completely profound.  My heart thumps in awe after having crawled out of its slimy container of grief.  I really am beautiful.  We all are.

So hang in there old girl, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

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The Camino, facing your fears and contributing to healing the world, and the benefits of pot – all in todays entry

I smoked pot last night and started looking up info on the Camino.  I was high and mellow, letting the herb do what it does until I saw this picture:

road 2

“Oh shit what if something happens?  What if I twist my ankle or get so tired that I can’t go on?  I’ll be all alone in a foreign country looking down a road like that!”

Then it got worse.  I looked at several more roads and imagined myself on them.

road 3 road

“Oh shit oh shit oh shit I can’t do this!”

Then I watched this trailer for a documentary about the Camino:

(They say they have a new and improved trailer, but I like this one more.)

After that, I became excited again.

When looking down that lonely road what I’ll really be looking at are my fears, mostly my fear of death.  Pilgrims have no choice but to rely on one another for support and strength.  Being around people can make you feel courageous and strong.  It’s your love and their love that cuts through fear.

My pot addled brain told me that by walking the Camino, I’m helping the world heal itself.  By helping others along the way, by conquering my own demons, I’m adding to the bravery of others and in truth, I’m instilling bravery into the world.  It’s humbling down to the point of facing the truth in that we all need each other.

I can say that I’m walking the Camino for myself all I want, but I can’t get away from the truth of it effecting the infinite energy body of our one human spirit.  It’s unavoidable.  Last night I came to this realization that no matter what I do, how solitary or secluded I keep to myself, or how much I give – the world will be effected either way.

Then I told myself not to question this new insight once my high wore off.  There’s no logic to it, or words to describe it, but it was an unmistakable feeling of true reality.  It was a feeling – taking place in the deepest part of me.  If I were to try and break it down for my rational brain to accept, it won’t happen.  It’s true.  Leave it.

You have to trust these feelings as real and not argue.

I thought about Amy and how her perceptions seemed so real to her, but not real to the rest of the world.  And it made me wonder if all this I’m feeling is only in my head.  But then I realized it was her own fears coming to life.  She was projecting them onto me.  That’s why it’s extremely important to let go all fear – fear is absent of light, it’s evil all in itself.  It’s seeing the world through fear-laden goggles.  And you will never know what you’re afraid of until you become self-aware.

Honestly if you want to be humbled and forgiven, try facing your truest intentions.  There you will find your fears (or desires).  If you don’t know whether or not your intensions are honest, ask yourself if it’s the compassionate way, or merely your ego talking.  Compassion is the road to sainthood, and saints change the world for the better!

So why do people not choose compassion?  Because of their ego’s.

Ego’s keeps us in the “fun” zone.

When I was under Aya, she told me that the ego can be fun.  But to keep in mind that it’s not real.  It’s only a delusion, or illusion.  Ego makes you feel like you’re in control and you can play the world like a game.  She also said there are many games in the world to choose from, and they are all there as learning experiences.

I’m in work waiting for my last client.  Einstein, the dog, just licked the inside of my mouth – how do dogs know the exact place where you don’t want to be licked?

Maybe the mouth is the most vulnerable place.  That’s what makes it so sensual.  Oh man, am I still high?

I’m using pot as a tool to acquire these insights (it stimulates the pineal gland which is the gateway into the spirit realm).  But with pot, you have to cut through the boundaries of your ego whereas with ayahuasca, she detaches it with ease (unless you don’t surrender and trust).  In my experience with smoking weed, you have no choice but to let go of everything – when you don’t let go, the babble in your brain goes into hyper drive.

I don’t see the point in smoking it with others who treat it as a recreational drug.  The point of the experience will be lost if all you do is giggle and get silly.  Not to mention it makes me unbelievably lazy.  Before I smoke, I make sure everything is done for the day.  That I’m fed, I have water next to me, sheets are washed, alarm clock set – everything must be done otherwise I’d forget, or fall asleep.

I’m getting acquainted and familiar with the feeling of being high and so I’m able to guide it into my higher state of being – of course my body and language center are tuned out during this time, giving pot its bad rep.  Plus people abuse it.  But it’s just another tool, another sacred herb to reach us in ways that our everyday brain can’t understand.  We are so hard-wired and pattern-seeking survivalists that in order for us to get out of our patterns, we have to think differently.

Pot was calling to me for a reason, I knew it!  But how deep will I go with this?  How many layers and insights are there?  Am I strong enough to hold it together?

There’s a reason why we are in the dark.  People just aren’t ready.  They’re not strong enough – hence the importance of evolving.  The first step to evolving?  Self actualization.  Then there’s facing your fears, suffering, compassion, etc… and another layer of strength unfurls.

I learned all this on my own, but if you go on YouTube and listen to spiritual teachers for yourself, you’d see that this stuff is EVERYWHERE!  It’s strange I never noticed it before.  I’m 33 years old and I finally found my true religion.  More like it found me.

I’m finding that spirituality is a religion.  The truths are all congruent to the point where I can call it organized.  But unlike with other religions, Spiritual believers don’t fight or cause wars.  We don’t worship anything but ourselves.  We bow our respects to Jesus, Moses and the like – because ALL religions have truth, they all teach the same insights.  But they were organized and made solid by the fears of the parishioners.  If they let go of those fears, trust and let in compassion, they will embody God.  They would have no choice but to accept responsibility for their choices and the roads they had taken.  And that alone can scare the SHIT out of everybody!

Complete control and complete responsibility for all actions and all that happens to you.  Who wants to admit to their faults?  No one!  So they blame.  They are free to live a life of denial so long as they can place blame.  In a crazy way if you think long and hard about it, a fear based religion can do this.  Anything that places judgement, anything that places another person as being “higher” or “right”, causes war and hatred.

Again, another day not knowing what to write about turned into be a beauty.  My client will be here any minute so…..

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When Solome kisses the head of John the Baptist…

I’m laying in bed on a Friday morning at 10:30am.  It’s snowing like a bitch outside.  I feel enjoyment and relief that I don’t have to massage asses today.  I made a grand total of just over $20,000 between the months of September thru December 31.  $20,000 in four months.  If you piece that together, that’s a lot of ass rubbing – A LOT!  How did I do it?  One cheek at a time my friend, one cheek at a time….

I want to blog, but I have no aim.

Let me just get one thing straight, I don’t care about money.  It comes and it easily goes just as quick (if not quicker).

I massaged a man with parkinson’s the other day.  He wasn’t a cute little man like Michael J Fox, no, he was big.  Tall, big-boned and overweight (making his disease harder to cope with).  His breathing sounded labored like he was in a deep sleep.

I looked at him and then at my massage table.  I couldn’t fathom it being comfortable for him.  This guy came to me for a relaxing, caring touch and my narrow table couldn’t fit his requirements.  It’s not his fault, it’s my fault.  I’m a care provider who can’t provide.

Once I get back from Spain, I really need to consider buying a wider table.

But we managed the massage anyhow.  His feet hung off the edge and he had to fold his arms over his stomach because there was no room for them.  His left leg kept spasming and contorting in what looked to be a painful leg cramp.  I placed my hands on it to say “shhh, calm down, shhh….” My efforts were fruitless.

He was in his late 50’s, no hair, a red splotchy swollen face.  When he talked, it sounded like his tongue was numb and enlarged, making him very hard to understand. He had no ring on his finger.  When I write about how important it is to not rely on anyone for your own happiness – this guy is the perfect example of why that is.  In his condition, it would be hard to find someone, anyone, unless he settled.

But what if he never finds his match – his loving safety net?  Does that mean he will never be as happy as a married man can be?  That we should all cock our heads to one side and say “aw poor guy” and move on with our lives?  No!  We are not entitled to place judgment.  We are not the standard – the mold that one size fits all (like with my massage table).  If someone doesn’t match up to your requirements or “level”, that doesn’t mean they can’t be happy like the rest of us.

Judgement brings with it inequality (even in the form of pity), inequality leads to blame, and blame triggers anger.  A  man in his condition can get angry at both himself and the world if he lets society, or any outside influence determine his ability to find peace and happiness.

He has to let all that go.  Everyday he’s faced with it, he needs to let it go.

It’s a casserole of nonsense.  I don’t pity him.  It’s his lot in life and it’s for a reason.  I respect him for choosing his bold journey.  No one makes it out of this world alive.  Who am I to say he can never be happy or find peace?

It’s the ego’s illusion is all that is.  When Solome kisses the severed head of John the Babtist.  We kill the things we love when we can’t control, understand, or have them.  We kill the things we judge when we place ourselves higher.  We kill ourselves when we can’t find love and the world rejects and pities us.

The power of suggestion is profound.  If we believe what others think about us, we become it.  We become it because of our neediness (letting others blame and resent us).  We become it out of the fear of loneliness (relating to fear of death).  We let circumstances shape us, relinquishing all control we had to empower ourselves. We let the fear of becoming an outcast overrule our inner strength and potential for greatness and happiness.

We end up running away from our own individuality, our inner God of wisdom.

I can see all this in the microcosm of human behavior.  When we are asleep (unaware), the nightmares and darkness take hold.  The gravity in the absence of light sucks us all in.  Like a black hole, an imploded star.  It’s death – it’s dying because of the fear of dying.  It’s the temporal causality loop of unawareness.  Everyone is asleep.  Everyone is afraid to die.

If you’re afraid to die, then you’re afraid to live.  Fear of anything is the root of ego.  The ego attaches itself and refuses to let go of anything dear to us, anything we believe will bring comfort and safety.  When we believe in our appointed religion using only the ego, we believe only through our fears.  And those fears can warp our religion to fit our own needs and beliefs, shunning all who disagree.

I know how crazy I sound, trust me, I know.  The worst part is not being able to know if I’m crazy.  I feel like if I know I’m being crazy, than I’ll get sucked back into my fears and weaknesses, letting them dictate me.  I’m teetering on the edge of reality.  Being the girl I once was, and this new, aware woman.  Or is this “aware” woman merely a decompensation of my original, true self?  Is my true self deteriorating?  And in the fear of that happening, I’m grasping at gossamer threads of reason that no human soul could possibly understand?

Am I crazy?

I see the crazy in everyone.  It’s a lot like when I smoke pot – I smoke pot and listen to others talk and it sounds like they’re the one’s on drugs, not me.  I can actually feel their insecurities and why they act a certain way or say what they say – I see all that, I FEEL it.  I want to grab them by their shoulders and shake them, pointing out who they are and what they do, but I know they won’t be able to understand.  They’re unable to see it.  The only thing that would come of it, is that they will  protect their character and defend who they are.  Anger and blame will transpire from their view of me making them feel unequal to myself.

Everything must be done mindfully and respectfully.  We learn at our own pace.

I can only help others by casually asking the right questions.  In time, perhaps they will see.

This isn’t the case with everyone however.  Some people I listen to while I’m stoned, make perfect coherent sense.  It’s the people who aren’t afraid to be themselves, the one’s who share their hearts to others – those are the people that make sense.  Unfortunately, there aren’t many of them.

I can’t smoke pot around most people because it makes me see them for who they really are.  It’s depressing and isolating.  Alcohol does the complete opposite in that it let’s me glide right into their world – I become one of them and it’s easy and fun to fit in.  And I excel at it!

I’m still lying in bed.  I really should brush my teeth and eat something.

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