Tag Archives: Id ego and super-ego

The Camino, facing your fears and contributing to healing the world, and the benefits of pot – all in todays entry

I smoked pot last night and started looking up info on the Camino.  I was high and mellow, letting the herb do what it does until I saw this picture:

road 2

“Oh shit what if something happens?  What if I twist my ankle or get so tired that I can’t go on?  I’ll be all alone in a foreign country looking down a road like that!”

Then it got worse.  I looked at several more roads and imagined myself on them.

road 3 road

“Oh shit oh shit oh shit I can’t do this!”

Then I watched this trailer for a documentary about the Camino:

(They say they have a new and improved trailer, but I like this one more.)

After that, I became excited again.

When looking down that lonely road what I’ll really be looking at are my fears, mostly my fear of death.  Pilgrims have no choice but to rely on one another for support and strength.  Being around people can make you feel courageous and strong.  It’s your love and their love that cuts through fear.

My pot addled brain told me that by walking the Camino, I’m helping the world heal itself.  By helping others along the way, by conquering my own demons, I’m adding to the bravery of others and in truth, I’m instilling bravery into the world.  It’s humbling down to the point of facing the truth in that we all need each other.

I can say that I’m walking the Camino for myself all I want, but I can’t get away from the truth of it effecting the infinite energy body of our one human spirit.  It’s unavoidable.  Last night I came to this realization that no matter what I do, how solitary or secluded I keep to myself, or how much I give – the world will be effected either way.

Then I told myself not to question this new insight once my high wore off.  There’s no logic to it, or words to describe it, but it was an unmistakable feeling of true reality.  It was a feeling – taking place in the deepest part of me.  If I were to try and break it down for my rational brain to accept, it won’t happen.  It’s true.  Leave it.

You have to trust these feelings as real and not argue.

I thought about Amy and how her perceptions seemed so real to her, but not real to the rest of the world.  And it made me wonder if all this I’m feeling is only in my head.  But then I realized it was her own fears coming to life.  She was projecting them onto me.  That’s why it’s extremely important to let go all fear – fear is absent of light, it’s evil all in itself.  It’s seeing the world through fear-laden goggles.  And you will never know what you’re afraid of until you become self-aware.

Honestly if you want to be humbled and forgiven, try facing your truest intentions.  There you will find your fears (or desires).  If you don’t know whether or not your intensions are honest, ask yourself if it’s the compassionate way, or merely your ego talking.  Compassion is the road to sainthood, and saints change the world for the better!

So why do people not choose compassion?  Because of their ego’s.

Ego’s keeps us in the “fun” zone.

When I was under Aya, she told me that the ego can be fun.  But to keep in mind that it’s not real.  It’s only a delusion, or illusion.  Ego makes you feel like you’re in control and you can play the world like a game.  She also said there are many games in the world to choose from, and they are all there as learning experiences.

I’m in work waiting for my last client.  Einstein, the dog, just licked the inside of my mouth – how do dogs know the exact place where you don’t want to be licked?

Maybe the mouth is the most vulnerable place.  That’s what makes it so sensual.  Oh man, am I still high?

I’m using pot as a tool to acquire these insights (it stimulates the pineal gland which is the gateway into the spirit realm).  But with pot, you have to cut through the boundaries of your ego whereas with ayahuasca, she detaches it with ease (unless you don’t surrender and trust).  In my experience with smoking weed, you have no choice but to let go of everything – when you don’t let go, the babble in your brain goes into hyper drive.

I don’t see the point in smoking it with others who treat it as a recreational drug.  The point of the experience will be lost if all you do is giggle and get silly.  Not to mention it makes me unbelievably lazy.  Before I smoke, I make sure everything is done for the day.  That I’m fed, I have water next to me, sheets are washed, alarm clock set – everything must be done otherwise I’d forget, or fall asleep.

I’m getting acquainted and familiar with the feeling of being high and so I’m able to guide it into my higher state of being – of course my body and language center are tuned out during this time, giving pot its bad rep.  Plus people abuse it.  But it’s just another tool, another sacred herb to reach us in ways that our everyday brain can’t understand.  We are so hard-wired and pattern-seeking survivalists that in order for us to get out of our patterns, we have to think differently.

Pot was calling to me for a reason, I knew it!  But how deep will I go with this?  How many layers and insights are there?  Am I strong enough to hold it together?

There’s a reason why we are in the dark.  People just aren’t ready.  They’re not strong enough – hence the importance of evolving.  The first step to evolving?  Self actualization.  Then there’s facing your fears, suffering, compassion, etc… and another layer of strength unfurls.

I learned all this on my own, but if you go on YouTube and listen to spiritual teachers for yourself, you’d see that this stuff is EVERYWHERE!  It’s strange I never noticed it before.  I’m 33 years old and I finally found my true religion.  More like it found me.

I’m finding that spirituality is a religion.  The truths are all congruent to the point where I can call it organized.  But unlike with other religions, Spiritual believers don’t fight or cause wars.  We don’t worship anything but ourselves.  We bow our respects to Jesus, Moses and the like – because ALL religions have truth, they all teach the same insights.  But they were organized and made solid by the fears of the parishioners.  If they let go of those fears, trust and let in compassion, they will embody God.  They would have no choice but to accept responsibility for their choices and the roads they had taken.  And that alone can scare the SHIT out of everybody!

Complete control and complete responsibility for all actions and all that happens to you.  Who wants to admit to their faults?  No one!  So they blame.  They are free to live a life of denial so long as they can place blame.  In a crazy way if you think long and hard about it, a fear based religion can do this.  Anything that places judgement, anything that places another person as being “higher” or “right”, causes war and hatred.

Again, another day not knowing what to write about turned into be a beauty.  My client will be here any minute so…..

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When Solome kisses the head of John the Baptist…

I’m laying in bed on a Friday morning at 10:30am.  It’s snowing like a bitch outside.  I feel enjoyment and relief that I don’t have to massage asses today.  I made a grand total of just over $20,000 between the months of September thru December 31.  $20,000 in four months.  If you piece that together, that’s a lot of ass rubbing – A LOT!  How did I do it?  One cheek at a time my friend, one cheek at a time….

I want to blog, but I have no aim.

Let me just get one thing straight, I don’t care about money.  It comes and it easily goes just as quick (if not quicker).

I massaged a man with parkinson’s the other day.  He wasn’t a cute little man like Michael J Fox, no, he was big.  Tall, big-boned and overweight (making his disease harder to cope with).  His breathing sounded labored like he was in a deep sleep.

I looked at him and then at my massage table.  I couldn’t fathom it being comfortable for him.  This guy came to me for a relaxing, caring touch and my narrow table couldn’t fit his requirements.  It’s not his fault, it’s my fault.  I’m a care provider who can’t provide.

Once I get back from Spain, I really need to consider buying a wider table.

But we managed the massage anyhow.  His feet hung off the edge and he had to fold his arms over his stomach because there was no room for them.  His left leg kept spasming and contorting in what looked to be a painful leg cramp.  I placed my hands on it to say “shhh, calm down, shhh….” My efforts were fruitless.

He was in his late 50’s, no hair, a red splotchy swollen face.  When he talked, it sounded like his tongue was numb and enlarged, making him very hard to understand. He had no ring on his finger.  When I write about how important it is to not rely on anyone for your own happiness – this guy is the perfect example of why that is.  In his condition, it would be hard to find someone, anyone, unless he settled.

But what if he never finds his match – his loving safety net?  Does that mean he will never be as happy as a married man can be?  That we should all cock our heads to one side and say “aw poor guy” and move on with our lives?  No!  We are not entitled to place judgment.  We are not the standard – the mold that one size fits all (like with my massage table).  If someone doesn’t match up to your requirements or “level”, that doesn’t mean they can’t be happy like the rest of us.

Judgement brings with it inequality (even in the form of pity), inequality leads to blame, and blame triggers anger.  A  man in his condition can get angry at both himself and the world if he lets society, or any outside influence determine his ability to find peace and happiness.

He has to let all that go.  Everyday he’s faced with it, he needs to let it go.

It’s a casserole of nonsense.  I don’t pity him.  It’s his lot in life and it’s for a reason.  I respect him for choosing his bold journey.  No one makes it out of this world alive.  Who am I to say he can never be happy or find peace?

It’s the ego’s illusion is all that is.  When Solome kisses the severed head of John the Babtist.  We kill the things we love when we can’t control, understand, or have them.  We kill the things we judge when we place ourselves higher.  We kill ourselves when we can’t find love and the world rejects and pities us.

The power of suggestion is profound.  If we believe what others think about us, we become it.  We become it because of our neediness (letting others blame and resent us).  We become it out of the fear of loneliness (relating to fear of death).  We let circumstances shape us, relinquishing all control we had to empower ourselves. We let the fear of becoming an outcast overrule our inner strength and potential for greatness and happiness.

We end up running away from our own individuality, our inner God of wisdom.

I can see all this in the microcosm of human behavior.  When we are asleep (unaware), the nightmares and darkness take hold.  The gravity in the absence of light sucks us all in.  Like a black hole, an imploded star.  It’s death – it’s dying because of the fear of dying.  It’s the temporal causality loop of unawareness.  Everyone is asleep.  Everyone is afraid to die.

If you’re afraid to die, then you’re afraid to live.  Fear of anything is the root of ego.  The ego attaches itself and refuses to let go of anything dear to us, anything we believe will bring comfort and safety.  When we believe in our appointed religion using only the ego, we believe only through our fears.  And those fears can warp our religion to fit our own needs and beliefs, shunning all who disagree.

I know how crazy I sound, trust me, I know.  The worst part is not being able to know if I’m crazy.  I feel like if I know I’m being crazy, than I’ll get sucked back into my fears and weaknesses, letting them dictate me.  I’m teetering on the edge of reality.  Being the girl I once was, and this new, aware woman.  Or is this “aware” woman merely a decompensation of my original, true self?  Is my true self deteriorating?  And in the fear of that happening, I’m grasping at gossamer threads of reason that no human soul could possibly understand?

Am I crazy?

I see the crazy in everyone.  It’s a lot like when I smoke pot – I smoke pot and listen to others talk and it sounds like they’re the one’s on drugs, not me.  I can actually feel their insecurities and why they act a certain way or say what they say – I see all that, I FEEL it.  I want to grab them by their shoulders and shake them, pointing out who they are and what they do, but I know they won’t be able to understand.  They’re unable to see it.  The only thing that would come of it, is that they will  protect their character and defend who they are.  Anger and blame will transpire from their view of me making them feel unequal to myself.

Everything must be done mindfully and respectfully.  We learn at our own pace.

I can only help others by casually asking the right questions.  In time, perhaps they will see.

This isn’t the case with everyone however.  Some people I listen to while I’m stoned, make perfect coherent sense.  It’s the people who aren’t afraid to be themselves, the one’s who share their hearts to others – those are the people that make sense.  Unfortunately, there aren’t many of them.

I can’t smoke pot around most people because it makes me see them for who they really are.  It’s depressing and isolating.  Alcohol does the complete opposite in that it let’s me glide right into their world – I become one of them and it’s easy and fun to fit in.  And I excel at it!

I’m still lying in bed.  I really should brush my teeth and eat something.

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It’s either all or nothing

Freud's diagrams from 'The Ego and the Id' (1923)

Freud’s diagrams from ‘The Ego and the Id’ (1923) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The most powerful information I received during my awakening was that giving is everything.  We can not survive on our own, we must help others to help ourselves.  And by helping others, we evolve into higher blessed beings.

GIVING IS EVERYTHING is written several times in my ayahuasca journal.  Strength is beauty, ego is illusion and this world is fantasy.

I haven’t been the same since I got back from Colombia.  Everyday I progress towards my higher self.  With every passing day, I’m finding myself happier and awake.

I give to everyone.  I love and respect everyone.  Everyone needs love.  Everyone deserves respect.  However, I’m not sacrificing myself anymore to feed others false ego’s.  Ego’s are dangerous.  Ego’s cause pain and war. It’s truth’s opposite, opposite of humility and humanity.  Therefore, I tell the truth – all of the truth and nothing I write is an embellishment or falsified in any way.  If I exaggerate anything, writing in my own personal journal for my own benefit, than whats the point of it?  If I’m not honest here, I can’t be honest anywhere.

The girl who had sex with my ex-boyfriend while I was in the next room, read my blog.  Now she’s pissed.  I can’t help the way I view her, it’s what I see until I see different.  And I can’t ignore the times Dave put me in danger.  He shot a gun out of my car window.  Am I exaggerating that?  He shot a gun out my car window, he nearly crashed Amy’s quad that she cherishes, shot off rounds in her old log cabin.  How is this exaggerating?  I’m stating, not telling.

I accepted who she is, I forgave her.  It was a fucked up thing to do to me, but I forgave her.  Nobody’s perfect and I don’t judge others on their faults and mistakes because why bother?  Their shit has nothing to do with me.  And who really cares what I think anyway?  I’m not of brilliant mind, I’m no angel.

But I can’t have impartial friends.  An impartial friend is someone I can’t be myself around, I always have to placate to their needs – to never say how I feel.  No, I can’t have impartial friends.  I tried that with my ex-friends, but I ended up suffering in the long run.  It’s either all or nothing with me.  But by saying how I feel, all the people who claimed to be my friends, turned out not being friends at all.  Just shadows of what a real friend looks like.  Like Plato’s cave allegory, only images having no substance.  The beauty of it is that if they can’t be a real friend to me, then they can’t be a real friend to anybody, so I can’t take it personal.  Not taking it personal is a great relief (at least for my ego).

What is a real friend anyway?

A real friend wouldn’t leave me stranded in a third world country because of her own warped agenda, a real friend wouldn’t sleep with my ex (let alone with me being there to hear the Ohh Ahh sounds [a painful twisting of the knife]), a real friend would always have my back, help me up when I fall (even if I say I’m okay) – a real friend would care.  They would put themselves aside and care about someone other than themselves for even only two minutes.  They have the rest of the day to divulge in themselves, they can’t take 2 minutes away from themselves to feel what it’s like walking in my shoes?

Eh, I don’t care anymore anyway.  Everyone hates me, I’m a martyr that always gets yelled at for something.  I make people see the truth they don’t want to hear and I get crucified.  It’s always me that gets hurt.  Always.  I can handle it – bring it.

This is my blog, what I put in here is for me.  Readers must read at their own risk because what comes out aint always pretty.  If I feel I’ve been wronged, damn skippy it’s going in here.

The raw truth hurts, but here it is.

I’m not candy coating shit.

Whatever new friends I acquire now, will be of a different stock.  Not just the shadows.  As you get older you learn who your true friends are – this is sad news, but gets you in the doorway for something greater.

So anyway, that’s that.  I told people not to read my blog anymore, I told them.  But they insist.  This girl is most likely going to give Dave the link to my blog so he can be rid of me too.  People use me up like a tissue and throw me away when they don’t like the contents that come out of them.  Everyone has gooey grossness on the inside.  I put my own grossness on a pedestal.  My blog is my high horse.

Anyway, what was I saying?  Oh right, giving is everything.  I want to sponsor a child from a foreign country.  I just need to figure out the best foundation to do it with.  That will be my project for tomorrow.  That was the main point of my post this evening, but it turned into something way different.  You never know where a post will take you..

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