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Melanie’s Epic Epiphany Part 2: Courage, Duality, Faith, Belief, Karma, Feedback Loop and all that jazz

Fear terror eye

Fear terror eye (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

Hang on tight to your sanity stockings ’cause shits about to get deep up in here.

Okay, so what I’m about to tell you might be very hard to grasp, but try to stay with me.  I’ll go slow and write concise.  I’m learning this stuff as I go along, so nothing is settled in me as I type.  I write and then it becomes settled.

I experienced an epiphany while I was playing in a poker tournament last week.  The epiphany was about knowing where your limits are and finding the courage to move past them.  Whenever you test your faith, that’s when you learn where your limits are.  Poker is a game where you get to play around with this.

I’ll get into all that in just a little bit, but first I need to tell you about an out of body experience shared by four separate travelers.

I like to read about peoples experiences with going out of body.  On several occasions I came across stories about astral travelers ending up in places where they can choose to go deeper, but fear holds them back.  Their bodies become immobile.  The places they described were mostly all different, but their experiences are eerily the same.

For one woman it was a hallway.  The further she walked down the hallway, the more scared she became.  She knew there was something important at the end of the hallway, but she couldn’t get there.  She wasn’t brave enough.

And in another story, there was a man at a cinema.  He went inside a dark theater and started walking towards the movie screen down the long middle isle.  The further he moved down the isle, the more frightened he became.  He looked around at all the others sitting in their seats as you would expect in a regular theater, but only there in that particular theater he knew that those people picked those seats because they were unable to progress further down the isle.  They went as far as their courage could take them.

With each step, terror rose in him until even just the slightest inch forward sent him into panic.  He could move no further.  He had to take his seat in the nearest row.

Two other people experienced this test of courage with a pyramid.  They were not traveling together, but arrived at the same pyramid by chance.  And as luck would have it, I stumbled upon both articles.

They started walking towards a pyramid made out of crystal.  At first it was effortless, but then became increasingly difficult.  There were obstacles in the way.  They became stricken with fear the closer they came to the pyramid.  One made it, while the other did not.

These stories are scattered everywhere on the net.  They’re hard to find if you specifically look for them, but if you read enough OBE’s they pop up.

I connected the poker tournament with the fear of walking down that dark corridor.  I saw it so plainly – I seen and felt it.

Poker is a microcosm of human behavior and interaction.  You are dealing with raw emotion, concise purpose, and have little control over what cards you’re dealt – at least you think you have little control.

It’s been a while since I had this epiphany, but I remember duality playing a huge role in your luck.  The duality of physical reality over spirit. The abrasive rub that shapes us and makes us stronger.

Everybody wants to win – you want to win.  If the law of attraction is real, than why can’t you win?  It won’t happen because you don’t have the courage in yourself to make it happen.  You don’t believe.  You don’t have enough strength.  You don’t have the trust or faith in taking that next step.  And if you tried taking that next step, you would become terrified of the unknown possibilities – losing your ego and sense of control.  Going deeper feels like death.  Unless you’re confident or don’t care about winning, you will feel a looming dread every time you rely solely on faith.

The imagery and knowledge seeping into me was inescapable.  If felt so real.  As real as the pocket 10’s in the folds of my hands.

I reached enlightenment as I sat there holding my cards and staring at all the other players.  I saw them plain as day.  All their tells, all their thoughts, fears, anxieties.  The room became hazy and misty, my head felt light and dizzy.

Me thinking – “Holy crap this is real.  This is so real.  I can feel my own fear.  I can see my own distrust, my own limits!”

I physically felt blocks in front of me preventing myself from moving further.  I hadn’t the faith or the courage.

I understood.  I understood everything.

Okay, now let’s take it a step further.  This dualism that we see everywhere is actually a feedback loop from one unifying, underlining entity.  The “dualistic” part is merely our perceptions trying to rationalize one thing.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction (karma).  The reactions will keep happening until there is homeostasis – peace.  In order for these exchanges to happen, it must sprout from one continuous, harmonious cycle of energy in flux and flow and in communion with itself.

This is done with the help of a feedback loop.  Our current actions shape our futures and those futures direct our present moment.  It feeds back into itself.  Like an ouroboros.

If we are aware enough to visualize our futures and take the appropriate actions needed to achieve those visualizations, the feedback loop will reciprocate and good karma will come of it.  You don’t have to be compassionate, giving or enlightened – as long as you believe in yourself and have faith, you can achieve anything.

When faith outweighs the fear…

But if you do achieve success while being unenlightened, you won’t have peace.  You’ll still have to deal with the universe throwing you curve balls trying to wake you up – but at that point you’ll have so much success that your ego blocks everything out.  You may even end up losing your entire empire if it’s being loosely held together with ego, fear and control.

Inside all physical reality exists a piece of the spiritual and inside the spiritual exists a piece of the physical.  They exist simultaneously.  The physical acting as a mirror, a shadow from the infinite expansion of the spiritual.

We can effect the feedback loop because the feedback loop is dependent on the sum of it’s parts.  It is a living, breathing mechanism that we are all a part of.

If God creates everything in the universe, and we stop worshiping the teapot instead of drinking the tea – we can create too.

Skeptic – “Why would God create poison berries and plant them next to edible berries?”

Me – “That’s the duality that shapes us.  Fear shapes us and keeps us alive, aware and evolving.  You can never have one without the other.  You should never judge one as being “bad” while the other “good.”  They are both one and the same energy of nature.

Skeptic – “But what about all that garbage you said earlier about having faith and no fear?  You would end up eating the poison berries yourself you fool!”

Me – “Okay shut your pie hole and listen up.  You have to accept and respect natures process.  It humbles you by doing so.  Being knowledgeable and utilizing that knowledge is how we evolve our brains.  The poison berries serve their purpose in the world.  If you want to test your faith, go ahead and eat them.  It weeds out all the arrogant gluttons.”

The meek shall inherit the earth.

Skeptic – “Okay wise ass what about parasites?  All they do is feed off their host.  How’s there any purpose in that?  What do they give back?”

Me –  “A parasite feeds for survival and by them feeding, subtle changes take place in their host that leads them into developing a series of complicated evolutionary leaps that both evolves and strengthens their immunity. And as we evolve, so does the parasite.”

(That’s why antibiotics are bad.  We stop evolving and the parasite keeps growing.  And our eyes are getting weaker because we insist on wearing sunglasses!  Our DNA actually changes when we put on a pair of shades and that DNA is passed down to our children.  Do I personally wear sunglasses?  Of course I do!  They make me look cool and mysterious;)

There is no good or evil, nothing is ever all black or all white.  There’s only awareness and using that awareness to see how everything fits into place.

Contrasts create beauty.  Contrasts teaches us choice and free will.  They form our individuality, our self-awareness and our ability to create.  Contrasts helps us in distinguishing what’s what.

The illusion of duality is necessary to sharpen us, or to smooth us – depending on your role in the great almighty rock tumbler.  Labeling something as being evil is a sharp judgement and an arrogant unaware reaction to an undesirable retribution of karma.  Learn to let it go.  Let go or make war.

Judgement serves in protecting ourselves.  Whether it protects our ego’s or our lives – we manage to stay ahead and in control.  This is how all species survives.

We must separate ourselves from the animals by using our self-awareness.  That is the only thing that separates us from them.  And once we find it, there will be peace.

The crazy part is, we NEED those sharp people in the tumbler as much as they need us!  They need to feel loved and accepted as much as we need to be polished from the pain they inflict.  It’s the yin and the yang, the snake eating its tail.  David would not be David without Goliath.  Goliath was just as much a part of the sacred, blessed light as David – so much so that he can be hailed as a martyr.  His death created a great man and all he got in return was hate, judgement and blame for all of eternity.  Who’s the real hero in the story?

Once you see duality as being the one infinite conscious energy that it is, you’ll be out of the blame game of hate.  You will learn and understand compassion in its entirety.

And seeing how all this fits / plays together so simply, astounds me.  There is no longer a blank day in my life where I don’t find myself being astounded over something.  I’m blessed.  I’m freaking blessed!

Anyway, I made it into being one of the last 7 players in the poker tournament.  There were about 40 of us at the beginning.  Not bad for a first timer.

Mellie likey poker.

Muah ha ha.  Is this my angle for world domination?  Eh hem, I mean living a quiet peaceful life?

If you’ve read all this than bravo.  You get a lolly.

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Melanie tackles karma and the Higgs Boson. What’s the Higgs you say? Only the answer to everything!

I understand Karma and it’s not as simple as you may think.  Well, it IS simple, but the way we learn it is far different from what it actually is.  We understand the simple definition of karma which is that by doing good, good things happen.  But that’s just the tip, and nobody likes just the tip of anything.  If people knew what’s really going on behind the curtain, life gets a hell of a lot more interesting!

I’ll try to explain it as simply as I can for my sake, not yours.  Complicated crap never sticks in my brain.

Doing good deeds solely for the prospect of being rewarded is not how karma works.  If you do good only to gain respect and admiration from people, that is the false illusion of ego, not the transcendent ways of karma.

When I was in the spirit realm with ayahuasca, she told me that we are all here to evolve.  We are here to grow and strengthen.  There’s no other purpose other than that.

Me – “No other purpose?”

Aya – “No other purpose.”

Me – “But why?”

Aya – “To be strong for others on their journey.”

Me – “But why?”

Aya – “We can only evolve together.”

Me – “But why evolve?  What for?”

Aya – “……”

I was starting to piss her off.

This is a karma-based universe.  All laws of physics are born and reproduced using karma’s universal law that guides us towards God.  We are pre-programed in our souls DNA to reach the heights of our higher being.  The more curious we are, the more answers we seek, all the more sooner we reach our collective destination.  But we have to do it together.  There is no other way because we are in essence, an integral part in shaping the realities of those around us.  Our worlds collide and our perspectives can either clash, maintain, or evolve into a fruitful understanding of each other and seeing the true face of existence.

Cultivating compassion-driven relationships with the common goal of having a win-win friendship, aligns your soul with good karma.  When one person dominates, it becomes win-lose.  Where there is judgement, there is blame and anger – absence of compassion.  To have unconditional love for others is what aligns your soul towards reaching a higher conscious state.

Actually, there is no such thing as good or bad karma, karma is only karma.  If things go bad, it’s merely a push, a reminder for you to get back on path.  If the bad karma persists, it means you have not learned your lesson yet.  What you resist persists and the universe wishes to teach and strengthen.  It will keep pushing and pushing, digging you deeper and deeper until the turning point of release – relinquishing you of all control and fear.

Karma tries to teach you to release the things that don’t matter.  Releasing the fear-bound needs of the ego.  It does so by using emotions.  The stronger the emotion, the more you need to let it go.  Enjoy happiness when it comes your way, but that too needs to be released.  But you can only release it with knowledge.  Humbly learning and admitting to your fears and weaknesses, not trying to control anything, or hold onto things.  Learning your deepest intensions is the best medicine for curing any negative karma.

Self awareness is key.

The deeper you go into awareness, the more of the world  you see.  You take the blinders off and start seeing the real miracle of us being here.  You appreciate merely existing.

Anyway, I need to figure something out here and the best way to do that is by writing about it.  I feel like my eyes are open, but my physical self is holding on too tight.  Hinduism believes that undergoing a pilgrimage cleanses the soul and allows in good karma.  It’s like a walking confessional.  Each step you take gets you closer to liberation, closer to your primal, universal soul.

I feel I’m so close, only inches away from everything.  My life is formless, it’s a vapor of evolution.  What I want it to be, whatever I want it to represent – I can manifest.  I only have to believe.  I have to believe in myself.

Karma has a way of telling me that I don’t think much of myself.  That I don’t have a whole lotta self esteem or confidence.  That’s partly why I allowed in emotional abuse and why I stayed so long in crummy jobs.

There was this one job I had at Lavender Fields day spa where I was paid $10 an hour to give massages and when I wasn’t giving massages, I cleaned the bathrooms, made phone calls and sent out mailings.  All for ten stinking dollars an hour – before taxes!  The owner was a bizarre woman on top of everything else.  She tried being funny by being vulgar.

Her – “It smells like rotten vagina in here!”

Me – “…….”

She is no Sarah Silverman.  Sarah Silverman isn’t even Sarah Silverman all the time.

I worked there out of fear.  Fear of not having a job – any job.  And so I settled for shit.  I settled for shit because that’s what I thought I was worth.

Finally I put in my two weeks, and started work at Massage Envy for $15 an hour.  $15 an hour is still shit, but everybody was super nice and I was comfortable there.  Plus it was the birth place of my blog.

I stayed there and sunk into my laziness and contented self.  My addictions and going out with friends depressed my creativity and spiritual growth.  I knew I couldn’t stay there forever.  Nothing was happening, I wasn’t progressing. I gotten lazy and became lost in knowing what to do next.  I was going to go back to school, but K begged me to go to Nepal with her.  So I put off school and went to Nepal.  I went there to seek answers, maybe find my path.  I sought answers, and those answers came in the form I was not expecting.  Those answers wanted me to change my beliefs, change my entire perception of myself and people.  The answers wanted me to change my life.

It’s so strange looking back on everything.  Like it was slowly snowballing.  My whole life was snowballing into a climax.  I climaxed on the threshold of pain, of not seeing reality, of feeling like I was nothing to nobody.  Every day I built my house of cards that collapsed on the slightest tremble.  And I was trembling.

Beer made it possible for me to keep rebuilding my house of cards.  Beer made it easier to deal with everything collapsing over and over again.

Now there’s nothing to collapse.  It’s not an absence of anything – it’s more like having an acceptance of the things I can’t control.  The deck of cards represented my beliefs – my limiting beliefs in thinking that my answers and salvation are only to be found from an outside source.  I built my house in order for others to see my potential and swoop in to rescue me.  I was not a whole person yet.  I didn’t believe in myself.

Life is truly amazing once you start seeing the patterns.  And once you see the patterns, you can see where you need to change.  You can see what limiting beliefs you have to let go of.  The problem with all that is that people are too lazy to change.  They get stuck in a routine, becoming animatron drift woods of habit.  Finding solace in addictions and finding their worth in the eyes of others.  Their lives have no fundamental equilibrium.  No ground, no real safety – only the facade of safety.  No matter how hard they try, they can’t recreate their carefree days of childhood.

Everyone is so scared to trust themselves.  That’s what my karma is trying to teach me.  To be confident and have faith in myself.

Me – “But wouldn’t that just make me a stubborn asshole that refuses to listen to other people?  Isn’t that what I want to avoid?”

Karma – “You will not become a stubborn asshole as long as you remain compassionate.”

Me – “But wouldn’t that just make me a patronizing pedantic asshole that pities people who aren’t as “evolved” as myself?”

Karma –  “Stay humble and compassionate.  Don’t talk too wise or think you know it all because honey, no matter how smart you think you are, you still don’t know shit.”

Karma will always find a way to humble you, and it will always find a way to show you your strength.  If you seek change and answers – the universe will provide it by handing you your customized learning experience.  But you have a choice.  There is always a choice.  Do you want change?  Are you brave enough to seek truth?  Do you really want to know your demons?

Once you’re out there living, getting your hands dirty and pushing your faith in God – the world opens up and things begin to loosen and fall.  You fall apart completely and wholly.  Are you ready for that to happen?  Are you ready to face a catastrophe?

The more stuck you are, the more emotionally dammed up you feel – the bigger the catastrophic event.  It needs to happen.  Like tension building on an elastic.  And it will keep happening until you are truly free.  But you have a choice….

So in a nutshell, that’s my take on karma.  For me personally, I’m starting to live by it whether it be fact or fiction.  It brings a new perspective on life and why things happen the way they do – and by seeing everything as a grand learning experience, makes life (to me) absolutely amazing.

Keep asking yourself why.  Why to everything.  Why do I feel this way?  Why am I doing this or why am I not doing that? Why is this happening?  It’s happening for a reason and it’s always for your benefit – always!

I didn’t exactly make all this up.  When you make something up, there’s no substance or belief behind it.  If an author decides to write a book without any feeling put into it, or a shred of truth involving our fallible human ways – the book will suck.

But this is one of those occurrences where I feel it.  It’s again, pulling from the channel that ayahuasca opened in me.

Being compassionate towards others brings them joy, believing in yourself brings you joy.  This is the way of karma, the universal way of finding God.

There’s this thing called the Higgs Boson.  It can be both a particle and a wave which has always baffled me and still continues to baffle me – but I won’t get into that.  The Higgs is a theoretical energy field that permeates everything including the vaccuum of space.  It’s what gives particles their mass (energy).  It basically brings everything into existence.  Many physicists call it the God particle, and many others say “It’s not God!  It’s just another damn particle that happens to tie everything together and explain once and for all why and how we exist – but it’s not God!”

I hate to ramble, but I just want to point out that when physicists look for a particle, they find it – like it intentionally pops into existence just for them – just by the weight of their thoughts.  As long as they have the right tools to detect it, they find it.  This Higgs field, in theory, connects EVERYTHING in the universe.  There is no gap between space.  It’s the field where prayers are heard and answered.  It’s the immaculate design of existence.

I agree with the scientists who say it’s only another particle yet to be discovered.  Just a tool, another building block to get closer to understanding.  Thats all true, but like with anything – this particle can be whatever you want it to be.  Just the same as a blade of grass is proof enough that life is a miracle, or it can just be another blade of grass with its existence being rather common and explanatory.  The only dividing factor is, do you feel numb to this spectacular show?  Or does everything deeply touch and move you?  I choose to be touched.  I choose to feel.

What gives grass its life?  The atoms and the particles, the energy from the sun.  What gives those particles their energy?  We don’t know, but for some reason, it’s not considered a miracle because everything we see can be explained with science.

It’s so funny to watch these scientists go deeper and deeper into understanding, and the deeper they go, the more curious and passionate they become.  It’s not just about seeking answers, but finding out the true nature of existence – we are so close!  And the scientists feel it, they know something is looming over the horizon.

Many scientists believe that the Higg’s has to exist.  They even use it in the standard model equation that can precisely calculate anything in the universe other than gravity.  It can tell you why the sky’s blue, or why our DNA is shaped the way it is – all can all be explained with this equation.  And it uses the God particle to fill in the missing blanks.  The God particle that does not go against the Newtonian laws of energy that states it cannot be created or destroyed.

This stuff is cool isn’t it?  Come on now, I’m an undereducated massage therapist who admits she has her failings.  I may not be able to understand the exact science of it all, but the simple idea of it – the simplicity is there and I understand that.  Can’t I marvel at the possibility that yes, we are all gods, all creators of the universe that just recently found our paintbrush – we found our medium that coalesces our souls into interstellar oneness.  Can’t I have fun with that idea without sounding like a bible thumping, narrow-minded, unilluminated believer of fantasy?

I’ll end this post by explaining to you how a particle can also be a wave.  When particles are in wave form, essentially they are smudged in a non-local dimension of possibilities.  They take on the shape of particles only when they are being watched by the human eye.  The person looking at it brings it into existence and localizes it, unsmudging the possibilities.

And this isn’t science fiction, it’s fact!

Anyway, that’s a hell of a lot to think about.  What’s the point of thinking about any of this?  I like to think it makes us lucid.  More able to shape our lives.  It also puts us in a place where we can understand the great philosophers and poets.  We become awake as they are.  We become as creative as they are.

I have an unnerving amount of clients for the next 14 days.  I’m averaging over 6 hours of massage a day.  No time for anything except work.  I love my job, but hate it when it’s on this high of a caliber.  It has taken me at least 5 days writing this post.  I can only do it five minutes at a time in-between clients.

My entries may be spaced out and sparse until March 6, when my groupons expire.

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Jan. 29, 2010

I’ve cleaned my whole house today and studied for my ASVAB test. Its amazing what you can accomplish when you stay home on a Friday night and leave off the TV.
I’m becoming aware of the effects of karma. I read an article about it the other day. It was written by Prem Prakash. Prem wrote that “karma and individuality are mutually dependent, two sides of the same coin.” Basically Prem is saying that if you’re a miserable person, miserable things will happen to you. Prem also said “when no individual ego is present creating a cause, there exists no karmic reaction.” According to Prem “we can change our lives by changing our consciousness.” How the hell am I supposed to do that?
I wish to change my laziness and my subtle addictions to nicotine, alcohol and my need to be scene, heard, and loved by all (hence this blog). If I’m really going to go into the Navy, I’m most likely going to be a miserable bitch while I’m there unless I do something to change the way I think.
Here I have friends, family and a warm cozy bed to slide into every night for a most peaceful sleep. Plus many days off where I don’t need to wake up in the morning. Most days I wake up in the afternoon and lay there in blissful comfort. Just pondering the day of what may come.
I never been to camp as a kid. I never been away to college. I never been anywhere on my own. I went to Minnesota to attend a wedding once. Minnesota is the farthest I ever been from home.
Joining the Navy is by far going to be the most jarring experience of my life thus far. I’ve been kept away from everything, pampered and coddled for 30 years. I’ve always felt this big safety net all around me.
There’s this thing called cognitive dissonance. Its when your mind is burdened by two contrasting beliefs. Its like having a horrible roommate you have to either adapt to or kick out (unless it’s a close relative who needs help, then it can get a little tricky). I know this anxiety and I know that it can drive a sane person crazy. These conflicting beliefs bring so much disharmony that our unconscious learns how to deal with it by either changing our behavior or changing our thoughts.
Its a lot easier to change thoughts than behavior. Maybe the key to changing my consciousness is the same key that picks what thoughts we should believe in while we’re in disharmonious peril. Pram said we are ultimately responsible for all that happens to us. But according to this cognitive dissonance thing, our consciousness, while letting it run rampant, keeps us from experiencing any real regret. It keeps us from ourselves and knowing who we really are. We are able to sleep at night because we know nothing is our fault.  We can smoke our cigarrettes everyday because we adapted our negative thoughts into comforting ones; “I’ll quit some day”, or, “I can die in a crash tomorrow, so why bother quitting?”

We live in the past and make the same choices over and over. If we realize we are to blame, and can witness this shifting of thoughts beneath our feet like watching thin ice crackle with every step, then maybe we can move ourselves onto steady grounds by accepting responsibility of our actions and doing something about it.

We are then to become a power house of cognitive psychic karma. A self-actualized soulful, fruitful entity that knows no limitation.

I totally don’t know what I’m talking about. But I know I don’t know, therefore I am cognizant and can do something to change all that, but then again, I still wont really know anything. Sometimes you have to accept the truth that you don’t know anything about anything at all.

This is just the type of stuff I think about. I have 33 journals filled with these little wonderings.

I tried to put those two oddities (karma and cognitive dissonance) together to see what crazy mishmash of crap I can fill my head with. Is any of it really that important? No. There’s just do or don’t. All this other stuff is filler.

Ok, hopefully tomorrow I’ll explain how I came to my Navy decision. it’s a very short little anecdote, but interesting none the less.

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