I blew off a friend last night. I always end up carrying a tremendous amount of guilt whenever I do this. I usually cave in and meet them out just to avoid the weight of guilt.
This part of my personality always bothered me. Everyone else can seemingly ditch others without batting an eye or thinking twice. Why is it me who suffers more than the person I’m ditching? And why is it so easy for others to do this?
A while ago I wrote about my friend Dave. He’s living in a crappy apartment, barely scraping by with minimum wage work, doesn’t own a car, and his mother brings him McDonalds for dinner.
I think about this guy every single day. Every day that goes by without me calling him, I feel a tug on my heart and my conscience. But he is a person who needs and wants too much.
Dave’s father was and still is a scumbag who abandoned his family when little Dave was maybe 10 years old. This abandonment cost him his childhood and exposed him to the harsh “real” world that I myself don’t wish to experience. He got a glimpse early on.
Dave was never able to let go of his past and forgive his father, thus creating the life he has now – reaching out to anyone who can comfort and hold him. He sets high expectations and standards from those he considers closest to him as a way to avoid being hurt again. The person who can hurt him the most, is the one he loves the most. He asserts his power and control just as it was with Amy (only not as harsh).
I came to realize that this so-called “real world” that people claim to live in, is actually a world based on fear. It has nothing to do with going to school and getting a decent job so you can work the rest of your life just to survive and pay bills, although most people think that’s what it is, it really isn’t. Working to pay bills in order to survive is not the reason why this world is considered harsh. It’s bandaid logic. It covers up the wound that’s festering beneath the facade of superficial status of power and control. Or in Dave’s case, the facade of being stuck and helpless.
Let’s step back a minute and look at what’s really happening here. Why does the world get harsh all of a sudden? It happens to most people when they graduate and take on responsibilities such as paying rent and dealing with work woe’s. They experienced loss of youth, loss of friends and family. Their safety net is no longer there to catch them. They feel extreme loss of their original contained world, and are now left to fend for themselves. They hold onto the past for comfort, never letting go of the pains and joys they experienced during a time when life still made sense. They suffer from a loneliness that can only be remedied by a person who makes them feel complete and whole. Their world makes sense again and they feel safe in knowing that they are loved and not alone. They form their own safety net to catch them when they fall.
The stronger the love, the easier it is to get through the day. But for most people, the fear never leaves. They become consumed with work. They are rewarded with status and so they work more. They take the love of their spouse (or from whomever feeds them power) and uses it to fuel their esteem and confidence, making them feel special and that they matter.
But it will never be enough for these people. They’ll always keep reaching out for more and more, never defeating the fear. It’s circular. It’s like the temporal causality loop that theorizes one thing can not exist without the other. We work hard at our jobs thus feeding the fear, the fear makes us work hard to feed the fear. Once you understand this, you can step out of it. Especially if you’re in a miserable job that you hate waking up to everyday for the rest of your life.
The world doesn’t have to be this way! This IS a cruel hard world if you view and treat it as such.
I’m still very much a child that never grew up into this “harsh” world I hear so much about. I experienced loss, isolation and being cast aside, but I never let it consume me. I never caved into it. I felt the fear of having no safety net – I envisioned it and felt it’s power and that the only stable thing there is in the world, is family. Love your brothers and sisters because they’re the only one’s who’ll be there in the end. I felt all that!
But anything that grows out of the fertilized soil of fear, is an illusion. Feeling alone and helpless is also an illusion. We are NEVER alone! And each one of us matters despite what others might think or tell you.
I haven’t spoken to Dave after that night I went over his place. I’m busy, yes, but I’m also nobody’s savior. No one should be a savior to anyone. Feeling important only because a person makes you feel important, is using the ego that binds us here. If you feel important simply because others define you as important, you’re also giving them power to define you in a negative light. If a person despises you and thinks little of you, you also let that in – and you believe it. You take the good with the bad and pray the good wins out and keeps you on top. It becomes a game. You try to control your environment and the people in it. You feel entitled to your slice, feeling you earned it. But in all actuality, you earned it off the backs of those who loved you the most.
I see this so clearly. So profoundly clear. I also see that it’s in everyone to do this. We are all sinners not trusting God.
Our thoughts are consuming. They are repetitive and feed emotions, feeding into fear, hate, love, despair. If everyone can only stop thinking! That’s the one thing I always told Amy to stop doing. Anytime she started laying in on me, I would tell her to stop thinking about it because none of it was real. But her past experiences were so ingrained that they taken over and did the thinking for her. She tried to stay in control, stay on top, work hard to live in this real world that I’m not seeing. She wanted me to see it so badly, so I can feel the fear that she feels. If I felt the fear, I can cling to her for guidance so neither of us would be alone and we can be strong for each other, always there.
I don’t play that game. I never played by the rules anyway.
Ayahuasca told me that I’m strong. So unbelievably strong and talented. So I asked her, “then why aren’t I smarter?”
Aya – “Your brain wouldn’t be able to handle the overload. You would lose your mind. Do yoga.”
My roommates from the ayahuasca Colombian retreat are there again as I sit here writing. They wanted me to join them so badly. Even the organizer of the group called me telling me he’d give me a discounted rate – all of them just really wanted me there. But it’s not my time yet. After the Camino I feel will be my time again.
This is an example of how we should never be thought of as being alone. I met these people one time and lived with them for 7 days and a family developed. And this family will always be here. They will always be here regardless if I ever see them again, they are here and there’s a connection. I don’t need them, I don’t want anything from them, but they are always and will be forever in my heart and I in theirs. With this understanding, we can never be truly alone.
Everyone I meet, I carry with me forever loving them. Dave may think I abandoned him again and so now I must pay the price, I must be punished. But in heart, I’m still here with him, will ALWAYS be here with him and love him. Same goes for Amy and everyone else I don’t see day to day. I never leave.
My deceased relatives never leave either. The memory of them, the past that is still alive – that love never dies, never fades. What happened in the past can never be taken back and that’s including any love you experienced. It stays in you. And that’s the stuff worth keeping, worth remembering. It’s what strength and courage are made from.
So, this guilt I have over ditching people, I feel the guilt of hurting them and exposing them to that harsh world they created through their own fears of abandonment. I aided in creating that world. I made them feel alone. I contributed to that cycle of fear – but it’s a fear that can never be satiated. No matter what I do, no matter how much I give, it will never be enough.
I’m tired world. Let me walk these 500 miles in solo. On my long walk, I shall carry you in my heart. I walk for us all. I walk for us sinners and sufferers.
Wow Mel….You are such a bullshitter!
Did I just call myself out on my own bullshit? Can that happen? Oh damn I am a bullshitter aren’t I?
Let’s just pretend I’m not bullshitting here and I’m being totally honest, what would be the point of dedicating my walk to all those assholes anyways? What would it accomplish? I’m not doing it, I changed my mind, screw that shit. It’s my camino, I’m walking it for myself.
I just got done massaging for the last 3 hours non-stop and I’m completely drained. I told myself over and over after my last client left;
“Just go home Melanie, go home. Put clean sheets on the table, shut off the heat, iPod, salt lamp, table warmer, pack up your dirty sheets, collect tips out of tip box..go home. Just go home. You need sleep.”
“Damn I’m hungry I just want some crackers right quick.”
“NO! If you stay for crackers, you’ll stay for your blog. DO NOT EAT THE CRACKERS!”
“Oh I forgot I brought strawberries to work yesterday! I need to at least bring them home before they are forgotten. I should probably eat them before they go bad.”
“Okay, you can eat the strawberries.”
“And a few crackers?”
“Yes and a few crackers. Screw it, screw everyone and fucking type you scribbling idjit!”
And that’s where I am right now. My client left 20 minutes ago, and now I’m hungry and pissy.
Anyway, all that bullshit I written, is any of it truE? The one and only truth so help me God? No, of course not. To me it feels true, but what the hell do I know? I don’t know anything, or believe in anything. My perceptions are not chiseled in stone. But they do however, make me feel better.
It might not be your way, or the right way, the true way, but it’s my way. It’s my Camino way. I’m ready for it lock, stock and barrel. Bring it.
Oh and by the by, feeling guilty sucks. It’s feeling like you’ve done something wrong. It’s feeling like I’m harming people, and something must be changed about me. But I noticed that it’s all those idjits out there who replace their feelings of guilt with anger. They place the blame on others to lift their own burdens. I know this because I felt myself going there, trying to reason it out. It’s that damn pesky brain with its wheels churning (or in my case, a hamster running on his wheel) and spewing out shit. Reasoning things out to your own liking, is not mindful, respectful or considerate. Placing blame on others in order to deflect responsibility is what starts wars! Where there is blame, there is anger and then eventual hate, prejudice, inequality, division of classes….
If only people can open their effin’ eyes and take responsibility for their actions, this world would be a better place. I mean come on now, it’s common sense, right? Inequality breeds violence!
People are buffoons, complete idjIts I tell you, IDJITS!
This post wouldn’t be here if I didn’t forget to bring my book with me to work today.