Tag Archives: Philosophy

The Truth About Honesty


Lies (Photo credit: Gerard Stolk (vers l’Ascension ))

Hi I’m Melanie and I’m walking the path of awakening.  It ain’t easy.  It involves confronting my truest intensions and facing my deepest fears.  This is a process that I have to stay diligently aware of.  This can be done by reflecting on my actions.

When you embrace your dark side, you accept yourself AS IS.  To know your dark side, it transforms itself into light.  Love, acceptance and compassion for yourself arrises.  Any negative thoughts left-over should be processed and accepted – not fought.  The ego merges with the soul and it’s all done through self-compassion.

Layers of understanding start to unfold.  You can find the answers inside because you are part of the infinite.  When you’re ready for a new layer, it will be shown to you.  You feel a shift in perception and in seeing truth.  It may not always be the truth you were hoping for, but a truth that sets you free.  Know your hopes, and you know your fears.

Empty your beliefs to see truth – no one can tell you what’s true.  You have to get there on your own.  Memorizing the advice of Guru’s is not the way.

If you are unhappy with your life, you become stagnant.  Your soul becomes shrouded in a hard-shelled rigor mortis box.  Debris collects on your superficial surface to try and mask whats inside.  Your fears hold you back and your comfort zone becomes a crypt.

I feel at this time in my progression, the small negative thoughts are barely noticeable.  But I still have fear.  I fear my own limitations as a functioning adult.  I don’t have enough experience with being an adult, and so I fear it.  My fear holds me in my comfort zone of security. Tethering myself to video games, beer and my parents.

A new layer into my awakening is just around the corner.  I feel that the only way to break free from my parents is to be honest with them.  Any form of lying is in truth, a hidden fear in the liar.  The liar can not let go (or confront) something, and so must lie in order to protect it.  I’m protecting my comfort zone of being a non-adult.

I lie to myself by saying “it would kill them if they knew the truth.  It would hurt them…etc.”  It would hurt them because they also need to let go.  Letting go feels like dying.  Like a part of you is breaking off – a shard from your soul becomes tethered to another.  You can see where you’re tethered if you’re able to see your lies.

The lie protects the person lying, not the one being lied to.  There is no progress in lies, only anger, confusion and darkness.  When you’re working out negative thoughts, I’m certain there is a lie being told to yourself that you’re not seeing.  But guess what?  It doesn’t matter!  Once you see the lie, you come to find out that Holy Crap no, it truly does not matter.  It can then be released into the ether.

I can say with forthright conviction that everything I write here in my blog is the authentic truth of a girl piecing the pie together.  I lie to my parents, and I know it’s wrong in many ways, but I’m not there yet – but I’m close!  I get closer and closer to telling them the full truth and they are getting closer and closer to accepting it.  My mother today told me that she feels herself accepting my freedom to own my own life.  It has to happen at her own pace, and I keep pushing her forward.

My parents know everything I’m doing in Spain except for the fact I’m doing it alone.  They also don’t know about the peyote ceremony.  They’re just not ready, and neither am I.

How odd it is to see all this happening.  My awakening is my therapist.  It’s different for everyone, but this is my personal journey with it.  The familiarity of these insights are all congruent with others walking the path.

Everyone’s running from something.  This world is shaped by fear, people are fundamentally shaped by fear.  I want to embrace it (within reason).  I want to confront it.

Every emotion we have, every thought we make, is a choice.  I choose my suffering – I don’t hide from it.  I’m not running anymore.  And from where I’m standing, my strength outweighs my fear and my love for myself makes me shine through any heartache.

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Melanie’s great epiphany part one: The illustrious rock tumbler of human existence

I had a very big break thru while playing in a poker tournament Sunday.  It was one of my greatest epiphany’s of all time (besides my awakening with ayahuasca).  It has to do with duality, going deeper into your fears, belief, faith, courage and trust.

The framework needed to be able to deeply feel this epiphany on a profound level is to have absolute belief in the existence of a spirit realm and to know that us human beings create the reality we see around us.  That we all possess Godly knowledge and power.  Understanding this fundamental truth is the basic principal into awakening.  Knowing that this world is an illusion built upon karma, ego and duality – all necessary to further our evolutionary process.

Our collective consciousness is the medium in which we all paint.

But in order for us to process this understanding, we must take the leap of faith and separate ourselves from the ego bound nature of physical reality.

What people do to each other is insane.  The further you are from compassion and non-judgement, the more insane you become.  This is what evil is.  And it’s this rub that shapes us.  By adopting consciously aware and mindful choices, you choose the path of stepping away from circumstances that are out of your control.  You evolve into a more blessed being – a wise guide that contributes to our one collective soul body.

This is where duality comes into play.  The friction between the spiritual and the physical.  The light from the dark.  Very few people are even aware they have continuous access to the light.

I dubbed the dark ego-bound emotional reality as being the big almighty rock tumbler.  We are thrown into this big vat of abrasive cohorts to shape and polish us.  Both sides fighting for what they believe is right.  But what they fail to realize is that fighting is fighting regardless of the cause.  In the dark and almighty rock tumbler, all that exists are perceptions, not truths.  No one can see the light in front of them while being shrouded in darkness and tumbling in the emotional upheaval of insanity.  Grasping at whomever is near for stability and reason.

If you’re awake, you can choose to step out of the rock tumbler and see it for what it really is, a learning playground.  And when you throw yourself back into it, getting your knee’s scraped up and suffering a bit, you actually feel better and stronger because of it.  But you have to remain aware while you’re in there.  Aware of the insanity and aware that all negative abrasive emotions are just insanity battling against even more insanity.

Staying aware is difficult because the gravity of others beliefs can suck you in.  People normally take the side of the person they have more contact with simply because they get sucked in and stop seeing alternate perspectives.  They are not aware and not in control (although they think they are).  This is why children become the byproduct of their environment and of their parents fears.  Until they break free and see the outside world on their own, they will fall victim to their circumstances and narrow perspectives.  You become your environment and you want to protect those same circumstances that shaped your beliefs albeit whether they are wrong or right.  They are you and you must defend yourself.

If you’re an awake individual, you become the polished gem inside the tumbler.  One who uses compassion over abrasiveness, understanding over judgement and blame.  You are humble enough to not have to protect yourself from attack.  Stubbornness doesn’t exist in you, only understanding.  Understanding of the process itself and seeing people’s inability to see the light.  And having compassion for those who don’t see it and instead continue to suffer.  You suffer along with them until you step out of the tumbler and dust yourself off.  Feeling even more glorious than ever.

Very much like the feeling after having accomplished a long harrowing pilgrimage.

When you’re standing on the outside looking in, you can see the arial view of reality.  You see the components, the insanity, the progression.  If everyone were to lay down their arms, there would be no more progress.  No evolution would take place.  If we were all to stop fighting, hold hands and sing a church hymn – lose our ego, lose our duality, become one with nature and each other.  If we were to do all that, reach nirvana, then a vital step in our evolutionary process would be missing.

It has to do with free will and conscious choice.  We are individuals and because we are individuals, we must integrate our ego with the spirit in order to keep in tact the option of free will.  We will lose our awareness if we’re not able to hold steady our individuality.  We can not become powerful conscious creators if we lose our self-awareness.  The rock tumbler is the process into gaining self-awareness, strength and courage.

The stronger you become, the less of the world you will fear.  And without fear, you step into the portal of unwavering faith in yourself and God.  You are consciously aware of the choices you make because of your integration with ego and spirit.  We are no longer puppets, but the puppeteers.  We become our adult higher selves instead of the slaves of fear.  This is walking the path of greatness.  And in walking this path, we consciously create our reality in our wake.

I still need to talk about duality, faith, going deeper into your fears and courage but I don’t want to make this post too long.  This post is just a primer.  My epiphany was so large making it super hard to explain.  I felt it and then intuited the knowledge of how and why I was feeling it.  There’s so many layers and parts to it.

I need to write it all down so I can incorporate it into memory.  Honestly, I don’t know how it’s possible for people to not want to write.  How will they remember things?  How will they ever get better?

I had this post in my draft folder for days.  I’ve been busy with other things.  I threw myself back into the rock tumbler and tried being friends again with one of the Melanie Haters.  The one who planned a vacation with my bff and purposely left me out of it.

It hurts being in the tumbler, I get scuffed up in the process – but I jumped back in using compassion as my guide instead of my defensiveness and trying to understand why.  I will never understand why and not knowing the answer is all part of the tumbler.  A part that bruises and scrapes against my ribcage aiming for my heart – both my greatest weakness and my greatest strength.  It hits in waves and I let it do what it does until the tears come I say, “Okay enough,” and it subsides, slipping back into the tumbling chaos without me to follow suit.

I am out looking in and saying to myself, “Holy crap what a ride.”

I love the fact that I can feel so deeply.  I love that I have a choice in letting myself feel it.  It will only make me better – it has made me better.  Ayahuasca told me that I’m special and I have gifts.  Perhaps having such a big heart is one gift that is absent in others.  I want to cry because I love this person I am.  I see my ego self and I love her – I love that she feels so much.

I painted a picture for the Melanie Hater as a peace offering.  I couldn’t think of anything else I could get her.  Flowers, chocolate, bath soaps are all lame and so I painted a picture of us during happier times.  When we were dressed up as Goldie Locks and the Three Bears on Halloween.

watercolor portrait

This is the product of 7 adult ed watercolor classes.

I was terrified of seeing her again.  Afraid of hearing lies, being judged and blamed, looked down upon.  These are all abrasives that left a scar.  It can only be smoothed away with compassion and that compassion is what polishes me into a gem.  Buffing out all my scuffed abrasive scars in the process.

So yeah, I’m fucking awesome….

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Filed under journal, My artwork, random thoughts, Self help

Learning is Believing and Seeing is Creating

I only have one more watercolor class left until it’s all over.  I love this class –  I really love it.  I love the ladies, the instructor, and the woman sitting next to me who can’t handle criticism.  I can see myself in all of them.

People become vulnerable when learning or doing something new, and if you look close enough, you can see your own reflection in their fears and weaknesses.

I’m only able to see myself with the help of others.  It’s like I see myself in them and understand that if I don’t like what I see, I can change it in myself.  I can change it because I know myself.

My mother was the first person whom I learned this from.  I was only a kid, maybe 6 or 7.  I learned that she was unable to see the person she became.  I kept thinking over and over, “If only she can hear herself.  If only she can see herself…..”

I became enamored with our old Sony camcorder bought in 1988.  I was 8 years old lugging that big thing on my thin bony shoulder.  I wanted to capture the true nature of people – the parts they miss out seeing while being in their first person perspective.  I became the one responsible for recording video at all family functions.  My high-pitched squeak voice narrated.  I was rarely seen in our home video’s, only heard.

Creating yourself is about seeing yourself, whether you like what you see or not.

That’s why I believe art to be self-actualized.

I’ve always been somewhat good at artsy things.  I don’t consider it being a natural talent – there’s no such thing as natural talent.  Natural talent can’t be explained, but the way we learn can be explained.  It’s not only about how we learn that brings about talent, but also the passion we have for our endeavors mixed with the belief in knowing that we’re good enough.  No limits.

However, ayahuasca told me that I do possess unique talents.  Perhaps she was talking about my ability to understand how to create.  Patience and a steady hand, but the most important thing being:  Don’t take it seriously!

I hate to bring up ego again but, seriousness breeds itself in the ego.  It’s judgment of yourself and of others.  It’s void of trusting and believing in yourself – it’s your fears incarnate.

It’s only when you let go of being serious, you are able to play and have fun.

All the ladies in the class are taking watercolor too seriously.  They’re afraid of every brush stroke, while I’m sitting there cross-legged on my chair, thumbs in the thumbholes of my hoodie, daintily daunting the paper with the tip of my brush and thinking – “whatever happens, happens.  I’m having fun!”

This is the part of my personality that can be annoying.  My ability to just not give a shit, and at the same time, showcase talent.  Why can’t people put these two together?!

Relinquish your need to control.  You will never be able to control your fears.  Let it go.

Everything will be okay in time.  In time, I will get good.  Also, when you let your ego govern you, you’re not learning anything.  All you see are mistakes and frustration – that’s not playing and when you’re not playing, you’re not learning.

Anyway, my big trip is approaching.  Peyote in Arizona and then hiking 500 miles in Spain.  All I want to do is sit on the toilet to stop myself from shitting my pants.  I’m not a traveler – I don’t do things like this.  Especially not alone or without a guide.  I’m 33 years old and I still live downstairs from my parents!

They don’t know I’m going by myself.  And I assure you, I am NOT smart.  But stupid people have the best adventures, right?

On top of all that, my stupid-ass managed to get uninvited to go on vacation with my old friends – the same friends I grew up with thinking that they were the only friends I would ever need.  I was uninvited as quickly as I was invited.  Why?  Because I wanted to make sure they actually wanted me to go.  And as it turns out, they don’t.

My heart feels the physical pangs of hurt (even though I didn’t think that was possible anymore), isolation and fear.  Unwillingness to believe it’s possible to be abandoned all over again – how can it be?  What did I do?  I have to accept it.  I have to deal with it.  But shit, it hurts.

But I also feel courage.  I have courage and faith.  And I know for certain that there’s nothing more important to me right now than going on this trip.  This is my life – this is exactly what I want to do with my life.

I flipped thru my journal from Colombia earlier today.  I wrote while I was toked up on ayahuasca and another time with yopo.  Why not share some pages with you?  Hell, you know everything else there is to know about me….20130403-020703.jpg20130403-020621.jpg



Huh I just re-read a paragraph and it makes me think once again that everyone here living on this planet are here because they are fearful.  EVERYONE!  The only way out of it is faith.  To have faith, suffering to attain that faith, and become strong and light.  My faith is still shakeable, but I’m getting there.  Compassion Melanie.  Must remember compassion, being humble and open.  This world is fantasy.  Believe.

I am a light spirit.  No no scratch that.  I am thee light spirit.

Okay, being thee light spirit isn’t humble, but I’m playing in my ego which is totally okay so long as I know it’s just a delusion.

I know I sound crazy but I’ve been reading other spiritual teachers and let me just tell you hole-lee-shit it’s everywhere.  It ain’t just me.  And the SAME insights no less!

It’s profound.  Completely profound.  My heart thumps in awe after having crawled out of its slimy container of grief.  I really am beautiful.  We all are.

So hang in there old girl, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

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10 Signs of a Spiritual Awakening

Okay, so I’m high again.  Please don’t judge me.

Anyway, I came across this video on YouTube and WOW, again, total recognition with all of this.  It’s simply mind-blowing and I’m left being amazed all over again.

I have ALL the signs.  I’m not going to get into them one by one, but I assure you, they all apply to me.  I’ve been seeing flashes of light everywhere in my peripherals lately!  It’s gotten to the point where I said to myself – “Okay, what’s going on here.  Am I having mini seizures?  What is this?”  Then I’d go into hypochondriac mode for at least a half hour after seeing these flashes.  But then I’d see movement with no flashes too!

I so badly want to buy a juicer and drink nothing but juice all day.  Everyday.  I’ve been feeling pressure on the top of my head, but I pass it off as having a headache.  I constantly feel creative, inspired and my thoughts DO NOT STOP.

Many things are relating to me on a very profound level! I don’t remember any other time in my life where I’ve felt anything this profound for months at a time.

These signs have been coming and going through-out my entire life.  I pushed them aside and slipped back into my patterns of work and friends.  How was I supposed to know what they were?  I thought I was going crazy!  And the thing about feeling like nobody understands, nobody’s there with me, it all relates.  To me, everybody seems to have a mental illness of some sort and I’m the only one left standing.  Do you know how alone that feels?  It sucks, that’s how alone it feels.

And my synchronicity has been off the hook.  It’s like a snowball that keeps coming.  Even now as I sit here texting my brother (who is also enjoying the sacred herb), he texted me while my phone was on silent, flipped face-down far away from reach.  I didn’t hear it go off, but what do I do?  I felt someone trying to reach me, so my intuition grabbed my phone a  moment after I received his text.  Which turned out to be a long philosophical discussion about confronting your demons.  My brother is seeking answers too!

My mind is blown.  Blown!

Honestly if it weren’t for the internet, I would still be asleep.  By asleep I mean, unenlightened.  There are so many layers!  It’s so easy to just forget everything, to put it all down, pack it away and find a mate, someone to love – if only to end the loneliness and these supposedly “crazy” notions.

The crazy thing is, I can choose!  I have a choice in the matter.  Just about everybody chooses to stay asleep.

I’m coming down off the pot.  I really need to sleep.  I just need to add that that Ikebana stuff is really intense.  If you understand Ikebana, you will get closer to awakening I promise.

There are people who are so concise in demonstrating truths that it feels to me like complete mastery of the mind.  That’s how I want to be when I write.  Anything that is written out of ego, is not good writing.  Same with Ikebana.  You put yourself aside and let that flower arrangement make its own statement.

I need to write about the reason we judge others, but I’ll save it for a different day.  Okay brain time to cool it.  I’m publishing this post, sorry for the typo’s or any errors in syntax.  Syntax are my greatest folly.  I just really  need to sleep.

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The Foundation of Creative Thinking Part 4: The art of mastery

I’ve never experienced a real day of solitude in my life.  Real solitude is having you all to yourself.  Absolutely no worry or stress.  Having no outside influences that derail you from your self.  And you feel no guilt for choosing your solitude over others pressing for your time.  It is truly yours.  Having no desire, no wants.  You are at perfect peace in the moment and find bliss in just being.

Material objects become part of us.  They become an extension of ourselves.  A man is just a man, but a man with a stick is a man with a stick – he becomes more than just a man.  True solitude is placing yourself outside the desire of acquiring things.  If a simple stick can change a man, imagine what a gun can do.  Or imagine what attachment to a person, or people in general can do.  You become not your true self, but the property of outside influences.  Once dependent, always dependent.  You will never acquire the highest peak of realization.

If you are dependent on your job, you will find more ways to become even more dependent on it.  You attach yourself to different places that offer security.  The more places you attach yourself to, the safer you feel.  If you are dependent on seeking power, you will find more ways of attaching yourself to power.  But power is just another thing.  It’s not real freedom.

You stop owning yourself and let your fears own you instead.

I have one client today at 7 pm.  The day is completely wide open for me to explore and find a small fragment of solitude.  My last full work day was Saturday and now it’s Wednesday.  The last 3 days I spent with friends, so these last three days were not my own.  But today is a break – a true break.

This is my time, I have no stresses.  My life is truly a brilliant hue today and will remain a brilliant hue from here on out.

When you desire something for the sole reason being that it satisfies a selfish ego need, it does not contribute to your overall well-being, nor does it contribute to others well-being.  It is enclosed in itself, feeding off others (or objects) like a parasite.

But art is desire absent of acquiring.

I have a strong passion to write – I am in a way, attached to my blog.  I feed off experiences I acquire, but I give back by trying to make sense of it all.  I write for my own well-being, and in turn, possibly effecting others as well.  Here in my blog, I turn experiences into knowledge, and if I’m lucky, knowledge into wisdom.

Art is both finding and creating your true self.  And in my experience, this is done through….experience.

Critics who depend on inspiration but can not receive it from the creations of others, critique.  They are in fact artists themselves, forming the perfect ideological masterpiece from bits and pieces that their critiques acquire.  But they are dependent upon other people’s mistakes to feed their own inspiration and vision.  As long as they are dependent, they will never be able to create anything of beauty.  It doesn’t matter how much knowledge they have, or how much art they seen – once dependent, always dependent.  Always dependent until they step out of the mode of critiquing and find their own source of light.  Critic’s can become the greatest masters.

There’s a saying that goes “You either got it or you don’t.”

I’m trying to understand the ways of “getting it”, and if I “get it”, then maybe you will too.

To recap my Foundation of Creative Thinking series, it all starts with the ability to let go of all thought.  Let go all the struggle’s that are listed in the lower tiers of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  Once you find yourself in a stress-free zone, you are primed and vulnerable to start creating your true self.  Don’t create and pull from outside sources, pull from within and have faith in nothing but yourself and what the universe brings your way.  Trust it is there to guide.  Find your solitude and place all desires aside.  Be mindful of your thoughts, but know they are thoughts that don’t belong to you, but are a product of your physical brain doing what it does.

The place I want you to attain is the place of feeling, knowing and believing.  It’s a place void of language.  This is where you find your true self and passions, but it’s also a place of creation.  The warm juicy center that is ripe for progress – for evolutionary progress.  You hold it in your hands.  You are the creator of all that you are.

You can find this center in almost every endeavor you practice.  Any form of art, you can find this center.  A sandwich maker, a plumber, landscaper, surgeon, someone who cleans houses – they are all forms of art.  Art can be found in anything that serves others – but you have to look at it in not the lower tiers of conscious, but of the higher – it’s there you will understand.

If you don’t have a vision to create, you can find it in serving others.  You can see the vision of what you hope for, and bring it to life with care, patience and passion.  Perfectionists are all artists to me.  To have that vision in your minds eye, and see it out.

Ikebana, the Japanese art of flowering arrangement, looks simple, but to the true master, they will tell you it’s really mastery of the mind.  To acquire the highest peak of vision and arranging it in a flower display, is true consciousness at its highest.  It’s mastery of minimalism.  What’s simple is true, and finding that simplicity takes practice.  You don’t practice by arranging flowers, you practice by mastering your mind.  If you can grasp the concept of what exactly Ikebana is, then you can grasp what creativity is.

You will be on the path to your higher self.

I can go on and on, but these posts really need to be short and simple.  It’s my own form of mastery I guess.  To capture the exact vision of what I’m trying to convey in my head – it’s hard!

Find your solitude and there you will find your true passion and true self.  If you can’t be passionate about being a sandwich maker, change it.  But maybe the answer lies in the sandwich….

If you can’t find yourself in the small things, you certainly won’t find it in the larger, or anywhere else for that matter.  It all starts with the sandwich.

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The Foundation of Creative Thinking Part 2

In my last post I wrote in a round-about way that you should let go of any unnecessary thinking and be mindful of your habits.  This has to be done in order for you to discover your true depth.  And in order for you to find your depth (path), you must listen to your heart – your emotional intelligence.

I love my solitude so much because I long for some deeper meaning in life.  I never knew this about myself.  I craved solitude not for privacy, not to hide away from the world, but to discover what’s hidden in my heart.  When I’m around others, they take my heart, take my attention and corral my daydreams into believing they are wasted time.

Once I believe that my daydreams are a waste, I slip into addictions to sustain my well being.

I label these addictions as the things that don’t nourish or feed my soul.  Addictions hold me in a place where there’s a false sense of security.  They are devolutionary and not mindful. You have no control over your well being while it is being held by outside influences.  Those outside influences put distance between you and your true passions.

I go in and out of solitude.  When I don’t want to think, I hang out with friends.  I drink beer so I can easily slide into their company and transition myself into the dough of drifting.  When I crave solitude, I distract myself with books, games, or getting sucked into the bottomless (inter)web.  I distracted myself because I never knew what my solitude wanted from me.  I never knew until now.

The reason why I love being alone with my thoughts is because my dreams are not yet realized.  And it really is that simple.

The heart is not rational, it’s not literate in any language.  It speaks to you only using images and emotions.  You can’t teach yourself to get better at anything if your heart does not follow.  By feeding your heart emotionally packed images, it will proudly respond back in ways to help you further your journey (or destroy it).

This is why myths stick to us for thousands of years.  This is why they are seared into the flesh of our souls.   Myths use imagery and emotion as a key to our subconscious.  If the bible was written plainly as a “How To” manual, it wouldn’t have sold so many copies, and it wouldn’t be as remembered as it is today.  We respond and learn best when the whole brain is involved, not just the rational thinking parts, but the right hemisphere as well.  Unlocking your creativity is a whole brain process.

I’m not a believer in natural talent.  I believe in natural passion.  It’s only when we utilize raw emotion and passion to propel ourselves to that visualized outcome, do we reach the heights of creative genius.  And anyone can do this!

The first step (as vaguely stated in my last post), you have to quell the babble of your thinking mind.  Drop everything, just stop thinking and start feeling.  Let yourself daydream.  Let yourself feel things without having to analyze everything.  No matter how bad, or how good your thoughts make you feel, let them pass through you like a hollow reed.  If you don’t let them pass, you will be stuck in a place much like addictions hold you in place.

A pilgrim sets out on a solo journey completely unaware that he is really trying to escape the minds babble and find transcendence, his true purpose, his true passion.  It is a journey unwittingly taken to find your creative self, your true self.

Being able to think creatively, to me, is finely interloped with awareness – your souls blueprint.  It puts you in-line with creation, it puts you in-line with God.

I’ll write Part 3 as soon as it is unfolded to me.

I’m trying to keep these posts short because if I explain every little detail, it gets boring to read.  Use your imagination!

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Melanie tackles karma and the Higgs Boson. What’s the Higgs you say? Only the answer to everything!

I understand Karma and it’s not as simple as you may think.  Well, it IS simple, but the way we learn it is far different from what it actually is.  We understand the simple definition of karma which is that by doing good, good things happen.  But that’s just the tip, and nobody likes just the tip of anything.  If people knew what’s really going on behind the curtain, life gets a hell of a lot more interesting!

I’ll try to explain it as simply as I can for my sake, not yours.  Complicated crap never sticks in my brain.

Doing good deeds solely for the prospect of being rewarded is not how karma works.  If you do good only to gain respect and admiration from people, that is the false illusion of ego, not the transcendent ways of karma.

When I was in the spirit realm with ayahuasca, she told me that we are all here to evolve.  We are here to grow and strengthen.  There’s no other purpose other than that.

Me – “No other purpose?”

Aya – “No other purpose.”

Me – “But why?”

Aya – “To be strong for others on their journey.”

Me – “But why?”

Aya – “We can only evolve together.”

Me – “But why evolve?  What for?”

Aya – “……”

I was starting to piss her off.

This is a karma-based universe.  All laws of physics are born and reproduced using karma’s universal law that guides us towards God.  We are pre-programed in our souls DNA to reach the heights of our higher being.  The more curious we are, the more answers we seek, all the more sooner we reach our collective destination.  But we have to do it together.  There is no other way because we are in essence, an integral part in shaping the realities of those around us.  Our worlds collide and our perspectives can either clash, maintain, or evolve into a fruitful understanding of each other and seeing the true face of existence.

Cultivating compassion-driven relationships with the common goal of having a win-win friendship, aligns your soul with good karma.  When one person dominates, it becomes win-lose.  Where there is judgement, there is blame and anger – absence of compassion.  To have unconditional love for others is what aligns your soul towards reaching a higher conscious state.

Actually, there is no such thing as good or bad karma, karma is only karma.  If things go bad, it’s merely a push, a reminder for you to get back on path.  If the bad karma persists, it means you have not learned your lesson yet.  What you resist persists and the universe wishes to teach and strengthen.  It will keep pushing and pushing, digging you deeper and deeper until the turning point of release – relinquishing you of all control and fear.

Karma tries to teach you to release the things that don’t matter.  Releasing the fear-bound needs of the ego.  It does so by using emotions.  The stronger the emotion, the more you need to let it go.  Enjoy happiness when it comes your way, but that too needs to be released.  But you can only release it with knowledge.  Humbly learning and admitting to your fears and weaknesses, not trying to control anything, or hold onto things.  Learning your deepest intensions is the best medicine for curing any negative karma.

Self awareness is key.

The deeper you go into awareness, the more of the world  you see.  You take the blinders off and start seeing the real miracle of us being here.  You appreciate merely existing.

Anyway, I need to figure something out here and the best way to do that is by writing about it.  I feel like my eyes are open, but my physical self is holding on too tight.  Hinduism believes that undergoing a pilgrimage cleanses the soul and allows in good karma.  It’s like a walking confessional.  Each step you take gets you closer to liberation, closer to your primal, universal soul.

I feel I’m so close, only inches away from everything.  My life is formless, it’s a vapor of evolution.  What I want it to be, whatever I want it to represent – I can manifest.  I only have to believe.  I have to believe in myself.

Karma has a way of telling me that I don’t think much of myself.  That I don’t have a whole lotta self esteem or confidence.  That’s partly why I allowed in emotional abuse and why I stayed so long in crummy jobs.

There was this one job I had at Lavender Fields day spa where I was paid $10 an hour to give massages and when I wasn’t giving massages, I cleaned the bathrooms, made phone calls and sent out mailings.  All for ten stinking dollars an hour – before taxes!  The owner was a bizarre woman on top of everything else.  She tried being funny by being vulgar.

Her – “It smells like rotten vagina in here!”

Me – “…….”

She is no Sarah Silverman.  Sarah Silverman isn’t even Sarah Silverman all the time.

I worked there out of fear.  Fear of not having a job – any job.  And so I settled for shit.  I settled for shit because that’s what I thought I was worth.

Finally I put in my two weeks, and started work at Massage Envy for $15 an hour.  $15 an hour is still shit, but everybody was super nice and I was comfortable there.  Plus it was the birth place of my blog.

I stayed there and sunk into my laziness and contented self.  My addictions and going out with friends depressed my creativity and spiritual growth.  I knew I couldn’t stay there forever.  Nothing was happening, I wasn’t progressing. I gotten lazy and became lost in knowing what to do next.  I was going to go back to school, but K begged me to go to Nepal with her.  So I put off school and went to Nepal.  I went there to seek answers, maybe find my path.  I sought answers, and those answers came in the form I was not expecting.  Those answers wanted me to change my beliefs, change my entire perception of myself and people.  The answers wanted me to change my life.

It’s so strange looking back on everything.  Like it was slowly snowballing.  My whole life was snowballing into a climax.  I climaxed on the threshold of pain, of not seeing reality, of feeling like I was nothing to nobody.  Every day I built my house of cards that collapsed on the slightest tremble.  And I was trembling.

Beer made it possible for me to keep rebuilding my house of cards.  Beer made it easier to deal with everything collapsing over and over again.

Now there’s nothing to collapse.  It’s not an absence of anything – it’s more like having an acceptance of the things I can’t control.  The deck of cards represented my beliefs – my limiting beliefs in thinking that my answers and salvation are only to be found from an outside source.  I built my house in order for others to see my potential and swoop in to rescue me.  I was not a whole person yet.  I didn’t believe in myself.

Life is truly amazing once you start seeing the patterns.  And once you see the patterns, you can see where you need to change.  You can see what limiting beliefs you have to let go of.  The problem with all that is that people are too lazy to change.  They get stuck in a routine, becoming animatron drift woods of habit.  Finding solace in addictions and finding their worth in the eyes of others.  Their lives have no fundamental equilibrium.  No ground, no real safety – only the facade of safety.  No matter how hard they try, they can’t recreate their carefree days of childhood.

Everyone is so scared to trust themselves.  That’s what my karma is trying to teach me.  To be confident and have faith in myself.

Me – “But wouldn’t that just make me a stubborn asshole that refuses to listen to other people?  Isn’t that what I want to avoid?”

Karma – “You will not become a stubborn asshole as long as you remain compassionate.”

Me – “But wouldn’t that just make me a patronizing pedantic asshole that pities people who aren’t as “evolved” as myself?”

Karma –  “Stay humble and compassionate.  Don’t talk too wise or think you know it all because honey, no matter how smart you think you are, you still don’t know shit.”

Karma will always find a way to humble you, and it will always find a way to show you your strength.  If you seek change and answers – the universe will provide it by handing you your customized learning experience.  But you have a choice.  There is always a choice.  Do you want change?  Are you brave enough to seek truth?  Do you really want to know your demons?

Once you’re out there living, getting your hands dirty and pushing your faith in God – the world opens up and things begin to loosen and fall.  You fall apart completely and wholly.  Are you ready for that to happen?  Are you ready to face a catastrophe?

The more stuck you are, the more emotionally dammed up you feel – the bigger the catastrophic event.  It needs to happen.  Like tension building on an elastic.  And it will keep happening until you are truly free.  But you have a choice….

So in a nutshell, that’s my take on karma.  For me personally, I’m starting to live by it whether it be fact or fiction.  It brings a new perspective on life and why things happen the way they do – and by seeing everything as a grand learning experience, makes life (to me) absolutely amazing.

Keep asking yourself why.  Why to everything.  Why do I feel this way?  Why am I doing this or why am I not doing that? Why is this happening?  It’s happening for a reason and it’s always for your benefit – always!

I didn’t exactly make all this up.  When you make something up, there’s no substance or belief behind it.  If an author decides to write a book without any feeling put into it, or a shred of truth involving our fallible human ways – the book will suck.

But this is one of those occurrences where I feel it.  It’s again, pulling from the channel that ayahuasca opened in me.

Being compassionate towards others brings them joy, believing in yourself brings you joy.  This is the way of karma, the universal way of finding God.

There’s this thing called the Higgs Boson.  It can be both a particle and a wave which has always baffled me and still continues to baffle me – but I won’t get into that.  The Higgs is a theoretical energy field that permeates everything including the vaccuum of space.  It’s what gives particles their mass (energy).  It basically brings everything into existence.  Many physicists call it the God particle, and many others say “It’s not God!  It’s just another damn particle that happens to tie everything together and explain once and for all why and how we exist – but it’s not God!”

I hate to ramble, but I just want to point out that when physicists look for a particle, they find it – like it intentionally pops into existence just for them – just by the weight of their thoughts.  As long as they have the right tools to detect it, they find it.  This Higgs field, in theory, connects EVERYTHING in the universe.  There is no gap between space.  It’s the field where prayers are heard and answered.  It’s the immaculate design of existence.

I agree with the scientists who say it’s only another particle yet to be discovered.  Just a tool, another building block to get closer to understanding.  Thats all true, but like with anything – this particle can be whatever you want it to be.  Just the same as a blade of grass is proof enough that life is a miracle, or it can just be another blade of grass with its existence being rather common and explanatory.  The only dividing factor is, do you feel numb to this spectacular show?  Or does everything deeply touch and move you?  I choose to be touched.  I choose to feel.

What gives grass its life?  The atoms and the particles, the energy from the sun.  What gives those particles their energy?  We don’t know, but for some reason, it’s not considered a miracle because everything we see can be explained with science.

It’s so funny to watch these scientists go deeper and deeper into understanding, and the deeper they go, the more curious and passionate they become.  It’s not just about seeking answers, but finding out the true nature of existence – we are so close!  And the scientists feel it, they know something is looming over the horizon.

Many scientists believe that the Higg’s has to exist.  They even use it in the standard model equation that can precisely calculate anything in the universe other than gravity.  It can tell you why the sky’s blue, or why our DNA is shaped the way it is – all can all be explained with this equation.  And it uses the God particle to fill in the missing blanks.  The God particle that does not go against the Newtonian laws of energy that states it cannot be created or destroyed.

This stuff is cool isn’t it?  Come on now, I’m an undereducated massage therapist who admits she has her failings.  I may not be able to understand the exact science of it all, but the simple idea of it – the simplicity is there and I understand that.  Can’t I marvel at the possibility that yes, we are all gods, all creators of the universe that just recently found our paintbrush – we found our medium that coalesces our souls into interstellar oneness.  Can’t I have fun with that idea without sounding like a bible thumping, narrow-minded, unilluminated believer of fantasy?

I’ll end this post by explaining to you how a particle can also be a wave.  When particles are in wave form, essentially they are smudged in a non-local dimension of possibilities.  They take on the shape of particles only when they are being watched by the human eye.  The person looking at it brings it into existence and localizes it, unsmudging the possibilities.

And this isn’t science fiction, it’s fact!

Anyway, that’s a hell of a lot to think about.  What’s the point of thinking about any of this?  I like to think it makes us lucid.  More able to shape our lives.  It also puts us in a place where we can understand the great philosophers and poets.  We become awake as they are.  We become as creative as they are.

I have an unnerving amount of clients for the next 14 days.  I’m averaging over 6 hours of massage a day.  No time for anything except work.  I love my job, but hate it when it’s on this high of a caliber.  It has taken me at least 5 days writing this post.  I can only do it five minutes at a time in-between clients.

My entries may be spaced out and sparse until March 6, when my groupons expire.

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Filed under random thoughts, Self help, Strange & Unusual

To drink like a fish…

I’m an affable gal.  Extremely social, personable, and a great listener (probably everyone thinks that about themselves, huh?).  I love people, I really do.  But on the antithetical end, I love – LOVE solitude.  For these last two days being snowed in, I relished it.  It wasn’t just me that was snowed in, but the whole world!  Okay, not the world, but my little town of Cheshire was.  Americans think the world is us, it’s a bad habit, sorry.

But tomorrow I’ll be birthed once again into that cold, snowcapped, civilized society.  Glistening with the juicy remnants that come with the culmination of saturated thinking.  But I don’t want to venture out.  I’m not done meditating.

And that’s just the thing!  I crave solitude because I love being alone with my thoughts.  If I don’t catch up to them, the water tension pulls too taut and I end up slipping and sliding from one day into the next.

Being around people, work, addictions, distractions, all help with keeping me in place.  Like cramp-on’s being strapped to the bottoms of my flat-ass feet.  I stop slipping, but I end up starving.  I can’t fish for those nuggets of personal refection that lay beneath my feet frozen in nonexistence.  The only reflection I see is when I look down at that shiny surface and view myself also frozen.  Unchanging.

To catch a fish, I catch myself.

Right now, if someone were to call me, I would roll over in a fetal position and throw the covers up over my head.  Possibly moaning.  My body going limp if anyone tugged on my arm.

And if they did pull me up, all I would want to do is drink.  It’s only when I’m around others, do I feel like drinking.  Why?  Because it’s a great way to transition myself into that other world – the people world.

I know it’s completely selfish and megalomanic to say this but, it feels like everyone lives their lives differently than I do.  That they all possess something I don’t have, or I possess something they don’t have, I  don’t know.  I don’t know what it is.

I’m spontaneous, don’t take anything seriously, and want nothing more than to relax and have fun.  When I’m around others who can’t do this, it pulls me down.  My childlike curiosity to explore the world and enjoy it, diminishes.  I lose my happy.  I like to make everything, everywhere I go, everyone I’m with, I like to make it lasting and meaningful.  To make everyone around me feel loved and special.  And it’s for this very same reason that has me wanting to curl up in a ball under blankets.

I feel like I can’t do enough, or that I’m not enough.  It’s only when I take the time to delve into the crystal blue waters of my psyche, do I find that yes, I am enough.  But I keep forgetting.  People make me forget.  I forget, but their expectations of me don’t change.  They want me to keep going and going, giving and giving.

Even when they don’t get me, will never get me, they want to feel that I get them.  It’s so hard.  I make a big catch, take it off the line, lay it out in front of the feet of an amused audience, and with all of us standing there, we watch.  We watch it flap around gasping for air.  I feel helpless.  The fish loses its’ life and the last thing to stop moving is its’ little mouth opening and closing.  Death of Mel.  She needs another beer.

Oh man, is this really the life I want?  Why can’t I just be normal!?

Me #1 – “Okay, stop it you whiny little bitch.  You are NOT the only person living, look around!”

Me #2 – “You’re right, I  know.  Damn.  I’m placing blame on others aren’t I?”

Me #1 – “Yes!  Own up to your freak mind, be a woman.  It’s not them, it’s you!”

Me #2 – “I know, but damn…I don’t know how else to be.  I’ve always felt this way.”

Me #1 – “Than accept it.  Just accept it and let it go.  Stop blaming others.”

Me #3 – “Can you guys shut the fuck up, I’m trying to sleep!”

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Filed under All about me, journal, random thoughts, Self help

When Solome kisses the head of John the Baptist…

I’m laying in bed on a Friday morning at 10:30am.  It’s snowing like a bitch outside.  I feel enjoyment and relief that I don’t have to massage asses today.  I made a grand total of just over $20,000 between the months of September thru December 31.  $20,000 in four months.  If you piece that together, that’s a lot of ass rubbing – A LOT!  How did I do it?  One cheek at a time my friend, one cheek at a time….

I want to blog, but I have no aim.

Let me just get one thing straight, I don’t care about money.  It comes and it easily goes just as quick (if not quicker).

I massaged a man with parkinson’s the other day.  He wasn’t a cute little man like Michael J Fox, no, he was big.  Tall, big-boned and overweight (making his disease harder to cope with).  His breathing sounded labored like he was in a deep sleep.

I looked at him and then at my massage table.  I couldn’t fathom it being comfortable for him.  This guy came to me for a relaxing, caring touch and my narrow table couldn’t fit his requirements.  It’s not his fault, it’s my fault.  I’m a care provider who can’t provide.

Once I get back from Spain, I really need to consider buying a wider table.

But we managed the massage anyhow.  His feet hung off the edge and he had to fold his arms over his stomach because there was no room for them.  His left leg kept spasming and contorting in what looked to be a painful leg cramp.  I placed my hands on it to say “shhh, calm down, shhh….” My efforts were fruitless.

He was in his late 50’s, no hair, a red splotchy swollen face.  When he talked, it sounded like his tongue was numb and enlarged, making him very hard to understand. He had no ring on his finger.  When I write about how important it is to not rely on anyone for your own happiness – this guy is the perfect example of why that is.  In his condition, it would be hard to find someone, anyone, unless he settled.

But what if he never finds his match – his loving safety net?  Does that mean he will never be as happy as a married man can be?  That we should all cock our heads to one side and say “aw poor guy” and move on with our lives?  No!  We are not entitled to place judgment.  We are not the standard – the mold that one size fits all (like with my massage table).  If someone doesn’t match up to your requirements or “level”, that doesn’t mean they can’t be happy like the rest of us.

Judgement brings with it inequality (even in the form of pity), inequality leads to blame, and blame triggers anger.  A  man in his condition can get angry at both himself and the world if he lets society, or any outside influence determine his ability to find peace and happiness.

He has to let all that go.  Everyday he’s faced with it, he needs to let it go.

It’s a casserole of nonsense.  I don’t pity him.  It’s his lot in life and it’s for a reason.  I respect him for choosing his bold journey.  No one makes it out of this world alive.  Who am I to say he can never be happy or find peace?

It’s the ego’s illusion is all that is.  When Solome kisses the severed head of John the Babtist.  We kill the things we love when we can’t control, understand, or have them.  We kill the things we judge when we place ourselves higher.  We kill ourselves when we can’t find love and the world rejects and pities us.

The power of suggestion is profound.  If we believe what others think about us, we become it.  We become it because of our neediness (letting others blame and resent us).  We become it out of the fear of loneliness (relating to fear of death).  We let circumstances shape us, relinquishing all control we had to empower ourselves. We let the fear of becoming an outcast overrule our inner strength and potential for greatness and happiness.

We end up running away from our own individuality, our inner God of wisdom.

I can see all this in the microcosm of human behavior.  When we are asleep (unaware), the nightmares and darkness take hold.  The gravity in the absence of light sucks us all in.  Like a black hole, an imploded star.  It’s death – it’s dying because of the fear of dying.  It’s the temporal causality loop of unawareness.  Everyone is asleep.  Everyone is afraid to die.

If you’re afraid to die, then you’re afraid to live.  Fear of anything is the root of ego.  The ego attaches itself and refuses to let go of anything dear to us, anything we believe will bring comfort and safety.  When we believe in our appointed religion using only the ego, we believe only through our fears.  And those fears can warp our religion to fit our own needs and beliefs, shunning all who disagree.

I know how crazy I sound, trust me, I know.  The worst part is not being able to know if I’m crazy.  I feel like if I know I’m being crazy, than I’ll get sucked back into my fears and weaknesses, letting them dictate me.  I’m teetering on the edge of reality.  Being the girl I once was, and this new, aware woman.  Or is this “aware” woman merely a decompensation of my original, true self?  Is my true self deteriorating?  And in the fear of that happening, I’m grasping at gossamer threads of reason that no human soul could possibly understand?

Am I crazy?

I see the crazy in everyone.  It’s a lot like when I smoke pot – I smoke pot and listen to others talk and it sounds like they’re the one’s on drugs, not me.  I can actually feel their insecurities and why they act a certain way or say what they say – I see all that, I FEEL it.  I want to grab them by their shoulders and shake them, pointing out who they are and what they do, but I know they won’t be able to understand.  They’re unable to see it.  The only thing that would come of it, is that they will  protect their character and defend who they are.  Anger and blame will transpire from their view of me making them feel unequal to myself.

Everything must be done mindfully and respectfully.  We learn at our own pace.

I can only help others by casually asking the right questions.  In time, perhaps they will see.

This isn’t the case with everyone however.  Some people I listen to while I’m stoned, make perfect coherent sense.  It’s the people who aren’t afraid to be themselves, the one’s who share their hearts to others – those are the people that make sense.  Unfortunately, there aren’t many of them.

I can’t smoke pot around most people because it makes me see them for who they really are.  It’s depressing and isolating.  Alcohol does the complete opposite in that it let’s me glide right into their world – I become one of them and it’s easy and fun to fit in.  And I excel at it!

I’m still lying in bed.  I really should brush my teeth and eat something.

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Melanie on Emotional Abuse

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I love psychology.  I really do.  It’s so important when it comes to understanding people and how they operate.  Once you understand, you can identify it – raising you above the emotional components and onto the higher objectionable view.  By not personifying the situation (getting emotionally involved and tangled in its web), you can see it for what it really is;  A bonafide clusterfuck.

There’s a diagnosis for just about everything and everyone.  There are as many mental disorders as there are bodily diseases.  No one is safe.

I was talking to my client the other day, a spiritual man seeking truth and awakening, and he told me more about Hindu beliefs.

Client – “Can you tell me what it felt like when you did ayahuasca?”

His massage was over and he was putting on his shoes.  I inhaled deeply and exhaled into a stream of conscience rhetoric.  I told him about the layers of awareness and that we are all here to learn.  We learn through suffering, we must let go of everything, there is a heaven, a hell, a God, yadda yadda blah blah, stuff I already wrote about several times over to the point where my ears bleed ayahuasca remnants.

Me – “And I didn’t know anything about the Hindu religion when I did ayahuasca, but I learned a little bit about it after coming back and everything Hinduism says, is exactly what I felt and understood when I was doing ayahuasca.  All the different unmaterialized worlds, the levels of awareness, learning through suffering, reaching Dharma, the highest peak, it was all information that was coming into me.  I was only able to understand the things I was ready to understand, or able to understand.  I would have to gain more levels before I can understand more.”

Client – “Well part of Hinduisms’ teaching is that earth is purgatory for us.  All of us have problems to work through.  We can’t go anywhere else, we keep reincarnating and coming back.”

I don’t know if I believe that.  It can’t be everyone, I don’t believe it’s everyone.  Come on now…And also I believe we have the choice to be reincarnated.  This place is hell compared to heaven (besides ending up in an actual hell world).

Most people adapt and form their character around circumstances.  They don’t know psychology or the terms used to identify their problem(s).  They don’t know philosophy or how to find truth without personifying it.  People grasp at translucent hairs of reason through use of emotions whether they be healthy or damaging emotions.  They rely and base their reasons using the same emotional level of the very thing they’re tying to understand.  It’s a loop that goes round and round.  People don’t know how to let it all go in order to see.

When you’re facing inward looking for answers, you’re not strong enough to see the bigger picture and all it’s profundities.  All you see are the circumstances you’re dealt.  The same circumstances that control your emotions and form your beliefs.  Nothing is done consciously.  Everything is done for survival.

I let my circumstances shape me, I’m not above it.  This is the letting go part.  I found a hidden aspect of my belief system that I have to let go of.  I have to let go of the chemical responses that I became addicted to.  I had a brisk awakening into who I am yesterday while I was massaging somebody’s scalp – it always happens when I massage the scalp!

My mother, when I was growing up, was emotionally abusive.  My brother was emotionally abusive as well.  Now, I love these people, I always loved them, but I was a tormented troubled kid.  They loved me and cared about me, so they tried to control me.  But they did it with emotional abuse.  By keeping me small-minded and tamed.  They wanted me to cling to them for safety.


That’s a picture of me and my tyrannical mother.  If I had a kid that cute and sweet I would go a little ape shit too.  You always hurt the one’s you love.  And I totally understand where my mom was coming from.  She herself survived an abusive childhood.  I won’t get into her story, but it was intense to say the least.  She know’s how harsh this world can be and wanted to protect her little one with a few slaps to the head.

I grew to believe that taking abuse meant people cared about me, so I let it happen and willingly taken the blame for everything.  I always reflected on my mistakes and where I can change.  I listened to peoples criticisms because I thought they knew better.  I thought they knew better because I was never respected as a kid.  I grew into having an inferiority complex.  And started believing every negative thing ever said to or about me.

It’s because of my inferiority complex that keeps me in abusive relationships.  Their dominance over me somehow satisfies my desire to be controlled and cared for.

It was only during the start of last year when I began to break free and gain control of myself.  It was the great purge of 2012 is what I’m calling it.  It entailed great suffering on my part.

Anyway, things are looking clearer and brighter.  Now that I’m reading more about psychology, I have linear definitions to psychosis’ – not just my own elusive thoughts and reasoning.  I can stick a pin and diagnose what it is.  Diagnosis and terminology are very powerful antidotes to confusion.  The way K treated me in Nepal was text-book emotional abuse.  Humiliation in front of people, insults, verbal abuse, feeling worthless, walking on egg shells, feeling like I should be blamed, that I’m a burden and should be thankful to even be included in such a “wonderful” experience.

I scrolled through some topics on emotional abuse last night and it was like going through a check list – ALL were checked off.

Me – “Hole – lee – shit.”

They also said it starts with resentment.  K resented me and it built up over time leading to an explosion.  I felt like I needed to please her, to show that I’m trying and that I care – I became emotionally needy of her approval just as it is written in several articles about emotional abuse victims.  The person being abused becomes emotionally needy – not able to give enough or prove enough, always striving to please.  It’s what keeps me in the cycle of abuse.  It’s how they hold me in their web.

That’s what these people wanted most – for me to need them.

All my life I’ve dealt with these people.  Why?  Are they everywhere or am I just attracted to them because of my own childhood abuse?

It’s like everyone is caught up in a delusion.  And that delusion can destroy a person.  Resentment is a plague upon the mind – it eats up your time, eats up your heart and makes you crazy and mean.  If only people can lift the veil up over their eyes so they can see and take part in happiness and well-being.  Happiness and well-being is NOT boring.  It free’s your mind to let the good stuff in.  You become smarter, younger, able to solve problems because you can see them from a higher perspective.  And you’re able to laugh!  You can laugh at all those idiots wanking on each other in a cynical abusive circle-jerk.

Sure makes me want to drink beer though…

I’m sure there are moments when abusers are able to unveil and let go – to see reality.  But then something triggers them and they fall back into abusing as if that other world was the illusion, not their world.  The “illusion” world felt too good to be true.  It doesn’t fit into the matrix of their past experiences.  The matrix of their past see’s patterns everywhere.  It pulls the wool over their eyes, dampers reality, and they submit to their pattern-seeking survival mode of self-preservation.  Everything is relative and everything connects.

If there’s an emotionally abusive person reading this, ask yourself why?  What triggers your mood swings?  From what I read last night, anything that compromises your self-worth is a trigger.  Any time you feel humiliated, degraded, over-looked, threatened, treated poorly – all spur extremely high negative emotions that spiral into anger, hate, resentment.  These are not pleasant things to feel, so why do people feel them?  Because they feel they are right and their world is whats real.  They end up living everyday in pain and delusion.

How did this happen to them?  Because they are victims themselves.  They were belittled and emotionally / physically abused at some point in their lives.  They had an abuser that got in their head and made them feel worthless, stupid, or ugly.  They became emotionally needy of others, and started lashing out whenever they felt they were being mistreated.  Instead of taking abuse, these people flipped the coin into the far opposite end of the spectrum and became the abusers.  Their victims became an outlet to place their own resentment.

And being the victim is no better.  When a victim is caught in their web, being emotionally needy, believing they are unloveable – they are essentially using the same emotional level that their abuser is using.  They are fully in it.  It’s a cycle.  An endless tug of war.

We are living in the entitlement era.  Everyone’s self-worth has skyrocketed beyond politic humility.  Everyone feels they deserve to be happy, to be treated good and fair and that everyone should pitch in to ensure their entitled well-being.  They blame others for their own mistakes because it’s not feasible that a sensible person such as themselves can ever be wrong.

It’s a fast paced world of instant gratification.  No time for reflection, just the next scoop of ice-cream, change the channel on the tv, masterbate to whatever hits your fancy on the discreet inter-web of limitless entertainment and folly.

Everything is instant.  No room for new thought or self discovery – just survive and be happy and whoever takes away your self-worth must suffer the consequences.

Abusers usually hide their abuse and only take it out on a special few, but in their world, anyone can be a target.

These people like to judge.  Judgement puts them in a higher position and they are able to control and navigate better.  If they see someone below them, whether the person is ugly, stupid or unsuccessful, the abuser feels contempt for them.  A sort of disgust.  If a person is equal to them in status, they feel anger.  And if a person has higher status, they feel resentment.

In today’s society, this behavior is prevalent everywhere.  The more entitled we feel, the further we move away from compassion and God, our source of self-love and awareness.

If a person is deemed ugly, heavy, or inelegant – that person will feel their self-worth plummet and they too will become abusive people seeking higher status and self-worth.

If a person is deemed handsome or beautiful, they will feel above everyone and feel entitled to be treated better than average.  And no one of lower status should get the same treatment as they do.

It’s insane!  Am I just being nuts here or what?  This shit is  E V E R Y W H E R E.

And of course it leads into narcissism, needing a supply and what-not, but that’s yet another fecal fest.

Shit just got real here people.  Open your eyes and take a good hard look at your crapulous self and ask if you’re the person you think you are.

Whew, okay I think I’m done for the night.  Stick a fork in me.  I either spewed truth and righteousness or I’m a ranting raving lunatic, it’s hard to tell.

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Filed under All about me, random thoughts, rant, Self help