Tag Archives: Religion and Spirituality

The Truth About Honesty

Lies

Lies (Photo credit: Gerard Stolk (vers l’Ascension ))

Hi I’m Melanie and I’m walking the path of awakening.  It ain’t easy.  It involves confronting my truest intensions and facing my deepest fears.  This is a process that I have to stay diligently aware of.  This can be done by reflecting on my actions.

When you embrace your dark side, you accept yourself AS IS.  To know your dark side, it transforms itself into light.  Love, acceptance and compassion for yourself arrises.  Any negative thoughts left-over should be processed and accepted – not fought.  The ego merges with the soul and it’s all done through self-compassion.

Layers of understanding start to unfold.  You can find the answers inside because you are part of the infinite.  When you’re ready for a new layer, it will be shown to you.  You feel a shift in perception and in seeing truth.  It may not always be the truth you were hoping for, but a truth that sets you free.  Know your hopes, and you know your fears.

Empty your beliefs to see truth – no one can tell you what’s true.  You have to get there on your own.  Memorizing the advice of Guru’s is not the way.

If you are unhappy with your life, you become stagnant.  Your soul becomes shrouded in a hard-shelled rigor mortis box.  Debris collects on your superficial surface to try and mask whats inside.  Your fears hold you back and your comfort zone becomes a crypt.

I feel at this time in my progression, the small negative thoughts are barely noticeable.  But I still have fear.  I fear my own limitations as a functioning adult.  I don’t have enough experience with being an adult, and so I fear it.  My fear holds me in my comfort zone of security. Tethering myself to video games, beer and my parents.

A new layer into my awakening is just around the corner.  I feel that the only way to break free from my parents is to be honest with them.  Any form of lying is in truth, a hidden fear in the liar.  The liar can not let go (or confront) something, and so must lie in order to protect it.  I’m protecting my comfort zone of being a non-adult.

I lie to myself by saying “it would kill them if they knew the truth.  It would hurt them…etc.”  It would hurt them because they also need to let go.  Letting go feels like dying.  Like a part of you is breaking off – a shard from your soul becomes tethered to another.  You can see where you’re tethered if you’re able to see your lies.

The lie protects the person lying, not the one being lied to.  There is no progress in lies, only anger, confusion and darkness.  When you’re working out negative thoughts, I’m certain there is a lie being told to yourself that you’re not seeing.  But guess what?  It doesn’t matter!  Once you see the lie, you come to find out that Holy Crap no, it truly does not matter.  It can then be released into the ether.

I can say with forthright conviction that everything I write here in my blog is the authentic truth of a girl piecing the pie together.  I lie to my parents, and I know it’s wrong in many ways, but I’m not there yet – but I’m close!  I get closer and closer to telling them the full truth and they are getting closer and closer to accepting it.  My mother today told me that she feels herself accepting my freedom to own my own life.  It has to happen at her own pace, and I keep pushing her forward.

My parents know everything I’m doing in Spain except for the fact I’m doing it alone.  They also don’t know about the peyote ceremony.  They’re just not ready, and neither am I.

How odd it is to see all this happening.  My awakening is my therapist.  It’s different for everyone, but this is my personal journey with it.  The familiarity of these insights are all congruent with others walking the path.

Everyone’s running from something.  This world is shaped by fear, people are fundamentally shaped by fear.  I want to embrace it (within reason).  I want to confront it.

Every emotion we have, every thought we make, is a choice.  I choose my suffering – I don’t hide from it.  I’m not running anymore.  And from where I’m standing, my strength outweighs my fear and my love for myself makes me shine through any heartache.

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A brief history lesson

20130503-195217.jpg

This is an example of a serendipitous occurrence.  I had no previous knowledge that a peyote ceremony had anything to do with readying my soul for transition or a long journey.  It just sort of happened without my knowledge.

It goes to show that the universe is on my side so long as I’m willing to listen and let it guide.  To trust it basically.  I HAVE to trust it.

I’m a believer in ancient rituals involving spiritual enhancement.  This Indian ceremony that I’m going to, is real.  The universe know’s that it’s real – and that’s why I’m being led there.  You don’t need to know why or how it’s important, just know that it’s happening for a reason.

I leave in four days.  On Miercoles, Wednesday.  The day that celebrates Mercury, the patron saint of travelers (amongst other things).  The reason why it’s placed in the middle of the work week is said to convey the message of  “getting over the hump” as in, “Yay we made it over the hump and it’s easy going from here.”

It’s all easy going after Wednesday.  It’s the anticipation that kills me.

Sitting in work is killing me.  It’s so hard being here right now.  I need some Echkhart Tolle.

In-between clients today, I went and picked up a large suitcase from K’s house.  I asked to borrow it.  After having gone through everything that we went through, I wonder if I’m being one of those girls who has “some nerve” in asking.

“Pfff, Melanie’s got some nerve……”

I don’t know where the line is or even if there is a line.  I’m bad at taking hints.  A person can go years without talking to me and I would still think that everything’s hunky dory.  A person has to literally slam the door on me in order for me to “get it”.  And the last time I saw K, it seemed like everything was ok, so…..

If I’m wrong and everything is still shit, it would take yet another door slam for me to get it – although I won’t get it, I never did get it, and at this point it’s highly unlikely that I ever will get it.

Kristie for instance, had to slam the door.  Matt hung up on me, the Haters made me cry on numerous occasions and Amy verbally assaulted me.  That’s what it takes to have me “getting it.”

Why is this?

I’m so awkwardly sentimental.  I cry at family gatherings when someone taps a wine glass and raises it for a toast.  I get sentimental when people are united.  It’s my sentimental side I cry for.  I cry when that unity is gone.

Not being able to see what’s really happening is like having a wash over my eyes.  It catches me by surprise every time.

I used to think that everyone had my best interests at heart.  I always thought I was being looked after and cared for.  This was my innocent side – the side people saw as naive or stupid.

Unfortunately, my spiritual journey has taken me to a place where I see truth.  The truth that not only do people not have my best interests at heart, but they care for and see only themselves.

I was an innocent sentimental sap.  Dependent on the care and consideration of others.  I trusted them more than I trusted my own knowledge.  I trusted their word over my own.

This knowledge hasn’t hardened me like you would think.  Hardening happens to those who don’t see the light.  No, instead I became wiser.  I’m wiser, but my patience for those who are in the dark has shortened.  Both my patience and my interest in them are gone.  It feels like I’m stepping into the danger zone of getting ruthlessly attacked for no reason other than it makes the other person feel better.

And so I have her suitcase.  Do I have “some nerve”?  I don’t know and I don’t care.  All I know is that I need a suitcase.  If it’s not okay, she has to take the initiative by saying “fuck you Melanie” and slamming the door because otherwise, I won’t get it.

I’ll never get it.

                                 *********************

Okay, I just got home from hanging out with guy friends from high school.

This would be the time where I get all sentimental and innocent by thinking that we have deep roots, so these guys have my best interests at heart (like brothers).

Call me crazy, but why do guys seem more sane than girls?  Guys are still nuts, don’t get me wrong, but I clearly connect better with them.  Or maybe it’s the whole male / female attraction thing taking place?  Maybe I’m genetically inclined to connect better with the male populace?  No.  No, that’s not it at all.  Men aren’t as catty.  They are dogs and I happen to be a dog person.

Men lie in the way of making them look better while women lie in the way of making them feel superior.

Women always lacked power, so we are genetically inclined to seek it – manipulating others for it.  It works, but really it’s all just a game of cat and mouse.  Tom and Jerry to be more precise.  Brains over brawn.

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Random thoughts about the Camino

Señal del Camino

Señal del Camino (Photo credit: gabsiq)

I’m in work waiting for my client to show.  She’s my pretend sister, my brothers fiancé.

I’m still sick.  All I want to do is go home and put my pajama’s back on.  I feel a type of exhaustion I only felt one other time while I was suffering from altitude sickness when hiking up the goddamned Himalayas.  Unable to move or function.  It’s stress induced, I know it.

And when I am home, I feel bored.  I never get bored!  I’m bored because I’m too exhausted to do anything.  It’s frustrating.  And so I mess around with iMovie and make YouTube video’s like an asshole.

Experiencing boredom makes me understand people better.  They push themselves everyday just to escape this kind of boredom – escape the meaningless of it.  Nobody wants to be alone with themselves.

Time is approaching for the Camino launch.  It really is a big deal.  Not to anyone else, but for me it’s huge.

People go on the Camino expecting to find miracles, insights, to find God, secret cults….etc.  They think it’s some prolific journey and are let down when all they’re up against is walking on blisters.  They can’t find the spirituality they seek.

People need to realize that spirituality happens when you’re alone with yourself.  And just like it is with boredom, it can scare the shit out of anyone.  Make them itch off their skin.  Wanting to get out.

This is the world I live in – the world of reflection.  I’m at ground zero in fighting my own bullshit.  I crave solitude and being alone as a way to find faith in myself, a way to find my ground.  However, with such a big journey approaching, I’m feeling that I need others support more than my own courage.  It’s like reaching for a life raft before sinking into my fears.

I’m not brave enough on my own.

This is why I’m sick.  This is why I felt boredom for the first time in years.  Right now I need to be around people, but unfortunately I’m stuck in bed.  I stretched myself out too thin over the past few weeks and it all caught up.

Now I’m stretching myself out on my bed with my laptop on my crotch.  It’s 9:10 pm.  I downloaded three audiobooks for the Camino.

Ellen DeGeneres – Seriously….I’m Kidding

Tina Fey – BossyPants

Mindy Kaling – Is everyone hanging out without me?

They are all safely stored on my iPhone awaiting day one of the Camino.  In all honesty, I’m looking forward more towards listening to those books than I am to the actual walking part.

I’m having second thoughts about this whole thing.  No no, wait, am I?

I can’t stop sneezing.  My coughs are coming from the bowels of my spleen.  The spleen is a dark slimy green, loud, mucus organ.

Omg I need nightquil.  I have a tear rolling down my salty hot cheek.

Why am I doing the Camino anyway?  I already went through all that spiritual crap, I get it.  Let go, go with the flow, hold no negativity, be compassionate, all suffering is self inflicted.  Yep, got it.  I don’t need to walk across Spain to gain understanding!

My laptop is getting all germy with my hot sweaty hands all over it.

I’m walking it for pride, for ego.  So I can someday look back on it and say “Hell yeah I fucking did that.”  There is no other purpose other than that.

That seems to be the reason why I do everything.  Or is it?  Do I really care about seeing the world and what’s out there?  Or is it all just an attempt at filling that empty space in me that yearns and yearns?  Am I yearning for a proud moment?  Is there meaning in pride?

This is how the camino humbles people.  They see themselves as the horse asses they are.  Possibly once they transcend their arrogance, transcend hiding their weaknesses or lying to themselves, that’s when they reach their ground zero – the true person they really are.  And no, there’s no meaning in pride – it’s only yet another illusion of ego.

You have to stand directly in the light in order to see your own dark shadows.  The camino physically puts you there in that light whether you want it to or not.  That’s the spiritual part of it.  When your physical body gets pushed, so does your soul.

It’s all about thinking, getting yourself good and humbled and asking yourself while looking down that endless road, “is this really all there is?”

Yeah buddy, that’s everything.

You are it!  The zen is already in you.  Which brings me back to the beginning, why oh why the hell am I doing this?

Most people choose to walk alone because they haven’t reached an understanding in themselves.  They need to think more on it.  Think about what?  The why, that’s what.

“Why, why why?”

Me – “Cause it just is man.  Let it go.”

I let everything go.  I let everything go and now I want to walk and leave it all behind.  I want to vanquish even more shit hidden in me.  I want to be both the water and the rock.  Unable to ever be hurt again, but soft enough to embrace change.  My soul is the rock, my physical self and mind are like water.

I want to get there – the foundation, the answer.

In moments such as this, when I find peace – I feel I have it, but then as soon as I’m around people, it gets ripped from me.

Ayahuasca told me I need to be strong for others – maybe this is what she meant.

I need to sleep.

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Melanie’s Epic Epiphany Part 2: Courage, Duality, Faith, Belief, Karma, Feedback Loop and all that jazz

Fear terror eye

Fear terror eye (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

Hang on tight to your sanity stockings ’cause shits about to get deep up in here.

Okay, so what I’m about to tell you might be very hard to grasp, but try to stay with me.  I’ll go slow and write concise.  I’m learning this stuff as I go along, so nothing is settled in me as I type.  I write and then it becomes settled.

I experienced an epiphany while I was playing in a poker tournament last week.  The epiphany was about knowing where your limits are and finding the courage to move past them.  Whenever you test your faith, that’s when you learn where your limits are.  Poker is a game where you get to play around with this.

I’ll get into all that in just a little bit, but first I need to tell you about an out of body experience shared by four separate travelers.

I like to read about peoples experiences with going out of body.  On several occasions I came across stories about astral travelers ending up in places where they can choose to go deeper, but fear holds them back.  Their bodies become immobile.  The places they described were mostly all different, but their experiences are eerily the same.

For one woman it was a hallway.  The further she walked down the hallway, the more scared she became.  She knew there was something important at the end of the hallway, but she couldn’t get there.  She wasn’t brave enough.

And in another story, there was a man at a cinema.  He went inside a dark theater and started walking towards the movie screen down the long middle isle.  The further he moved down the isle, the more frightened he became.  He looked around at all the others sitting in their seats as you would expect in a regular theater, but only there in that particular theater he knew that those people picked those seats because they were unable to progress further down the isle.  They went as far as their courage could take them.

With each step, terror rose in him until even just the slightest inch forward sent him into panic.  He could move no further.  He had to take his seat in the nearest row.

Two other people experienced this test of courage with a pyramid.  They were not traveling together, but arrived at the same pyramid by chance.  And as luck would have it, I stumbled upon both articles.

They started walking towards a pyramid made out of crystal.  At first it was effortless, but then became increasingly difficult.  There were obstacles in the way.  They became stricken with fear the closer they came to the pyramid.  One made it, while the other did not.

These stories are scattered everywhere on the net.  They’re hard to find if you specifically look for them, but if you read enough OBE’s they pop up.

I connected the poker tournament with the fear of walking down that dark corridor.  I saw it so plainly – I seen and felt it.

Poker is a microcosm of human behavior and interaction.  You are dealing with raw emotion, concise purpose, and have little control over what cards you’re dealt – at least you think you have little control.

It’s been a while since I had this epiphany, but I remember duality playing a huge role in your luck.  The duality of physical reality over spirit. The abrasive rub that shapes us and makes us stronger.

Everybody wants to win – you want to win.  If the law of attraction is real, than why can’t you win?  It won’t happen because you don’t have the courage in yourself to make it happen.  You don’t believe.  You don’t have enough strength.  You don’t have the trust or faith in taking that next step.  And if you tried taking that next step, you would become terrified of the unknown possibilities – losing your ego and sense of control.  Going deeper feels like death.  Unless you’re confident or don’t care about winning, you will feel a looming dread every time you rely solely on faith.

The imagery and knowledge seeping into me was inescapable.  If felt so real.  As real as the pocket 10’s in the folds of my hands.

I reached enlightenment as I sat there holding my cards and staring at all the other players.  I saw them plain as day.  All their tells, all their thoughts, fears, anxieties.  The room became hazy and misty, my head felt light and dizzy.

Me thinking – “Holy crap this is real.  This is so real.  I can feel my own fear.  I can see my own distrust, my own limits!”

I physically felt blocks in front of me preventing myself from moving further.  I hadn’t the faith or the courage.

I understood.  I understood everything.

Okay, now let’s take it a step further.  This dualism that we see everywhere is actually a feedback loop from one unifying, underlining entity.  The “dualistic” part is merely our perceptions trying to rationalize one thing.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction (karma).  The reactions will keep happening until there is homeostasis – peace.  In order for these exchanges to happen, it must sprout from one continuous, harmonious cycle of energy in flux and flow and in communion with itself.

This is done with the help of a feedback loop.  Our current actions shape our futures and those futures direct our present moment.  It feeds back into itself.  Like an ouroboros.

If we are aware enough to visualize our futures and take the appropriate actions needed to achieve those visualizations, the feedback loop will reciprocate and good karma will come of it.  You don’t have to be compassionate, giving or enlightened – as long as you believe in yourself and have faith, you can achieve anything.

When faith outweighs the fear…

But if you do achieve success while being unenlightened, you won’t have peace.  You’ll still have to deal with the universe throwing you curve balls trying to wake you up – but at that point you’ll have so much success that your ego blocks everything out.  You may even end up losing your entire empire if it’s being loosely held together with ego, fear and control.

Inside all physical reality exists a piece of the spiritual and inside the spiritual exists a piece of the physical.  They exist simultaneously.  The physical acting as a mirror, a shadow from the infinite expansion of the spiritual.

We can effect the feedback loop because the feedback loop is dependent on the sum of it’s parts.  It is a living, breathing mechanism that we are all a part of.

If God creates everything in the universe, and we stop worshiping the teapot instead of drinking the tea – we can create too.

Skeptic – “Why would God create poison berries and plant them next to edible berries?”

Me – “That’s the duality that shapes us.  Fear shapes us and keeps us alive, aware and evolving.  You can never have one without the other.  You should never judge one as being “bad” while the other “good.”  They are both one and the same energy of nature.

Skeptic – “But what about all that garbage you said earlier about having faith and no fear?  You would end up eating the poison berries yourself you fool!”

Me – “Okay shut your pie hole and listen up.  You have to accept and respect natures process.  It humbles you by doing so.  Being knowledgeable and utilizing that knowledge is how we evolve our brains.  The poison berries serve their purpose in the world.  If you want to test your faith, go ahead and eat them.  It weeds out all the arrogant gluttons.”

The meek shall inherit the earth.

Skeptic – “Okay wise ass what about parasites?  All they do is feed off their host.  How’s there any purpose in that?  What do they give back?”

Me –  “A parasite feeds for survival and by them feeding, subtle changes take place in their host that leads them into developing a series of complicated evolutionary leaps that both evolves and strengthens their immunity. And as we evolve, so does the parasite.”

(That’s why antibiotics are bad.  We stop evolving and the parasite keeps growing.  And our eyes are getting weaker because we insist on wearing sunglasses!  Our DNA actually changes when we put on a pair of shades and that DNA is passed down to our children.  Do I personally wear sunglasses?  Of course I do!  They make me look cool and mysterious;)

There is no good or evil, nothing is ever all black or all white.  There’s only awareness and using that awareness to see how everything fits into place.

Contrasts create beauty.  Contrasts teaches us choice and free will.  They form our individuality, our self-awareness and our ability to create.  Contrasts helps us in distinguishing what’s what.

The illusion of duality is necessary to sharpen us, or to smooth us – depending on your role in the great almighty rock tumbler.  Labeling something as being evil is a sharp judgement and an arrogant unaware reaction to an undesirable retribution of karma.  Learn to let it go.  Let go or make war.

Judgement serves in protecting ourselves.  Whether it protects our ego’s or our lives – we manage to stay ahead and in control.  This is how all species survives.

We must separate ourselves from the animals by using our self-awareness.  That is the only thing that separates us from them.  And once we find it, there will be peace.

The crazy part is, we NEED those sharp people in the tumbler as much as they need us!  They need to feel loved and accepted as much as we need to be polished from the pain they inflict.  It’s the yin and the yang, the snake eating its tail.  David would not be David without Goliath.  Goliath was just as much a part of the sacred, blessed light as David – so much so that he can be hailed as a martyr.  His death created a great man and all he got in return was hate, judgement and blame for all of eternity.  Who’s the real hero in the story?

Once you see duality as being the one infinite conscious energy that it is, you’ll be out of the blame game of hate.  You will learn and understand compassion in its entirety.

And seeing how all this fits / plays together so simply, astounds me.  There is no longer a blank day in my life where I don’t find myself being astounded over something.  I’m blessed.  I’m freaking blessed!

Anyway, I made it into being one of the last 7 players in the poker tournament.  There were about 40 of us at the beginning.  Not bad for a first timer.

Mellie likey poker.

Muah ha ha.  Is this my angle for world domination?  Eh hem, I mean living a quiet peaceful life?

If you’ve read all this than bravo.  You get a lolly.

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Melanie on Growing Up

20130330-135347.jpgI admire his straightforwardness – I really do!  It’s the people who skirt around truthfulness that piss me off.  I am more apt to respond nicely to this text, then I am to someone who’s hiding their intentions.

He showed me respect by being honest, I’ll give him that.

The real creepers out there developed a way of asking these questions without actually having to ask them.  And if I call them out on it, they get all defensive like I’m the bad guy.

You will be less of a creeper if you’re honest.  And respectful even!  I know how crazy that sounds, but it’s true.

People who aren’t honest, judge themselves more than anyone else.  They control the situation with  their ego, hiding the truth from others and even from themselves.  Whenever anyone’s not being honest, friction is bound to happen.  Friction, judgements, accusations, anger….

How do you find your honest self?  With self-actualization.  And how do you become self-actualized?  Confronting your true intentions.  The ego keeps us from ever really knowing ourselves.

The ego is essential for spiritual growth and evolution.  It is the reason for all our suffering and without suffering, we will not strengthen or ever know the true meaning of bliss.

And bliss to me, isn’t about giving hand jobs.

And hey, I’m not one to judge.  If people are into that sort of thing, let them be into it!  There’s nothing wrong with it as long as nobody’s getting hurt.

For me personally, it’s just not my thang. It really doesn’t matter if I do or don’t, all that matters is that that’s not how I want to define myself (or be remembered).  It’s like taking away that special something, and turning it into something mechanical and bodily, not spiritual.

I’m a mind, body and spirit kinda gal.  The universe won’t synchronize to my beat otherwise.

Anyway…

That monk from my dream really did do something to me.  My heart is open, my faith untouchable, my compassion expanding.  It’s like I’m sitting back with a cold lager in one hand, my blog in the other, and I’m just sitting back taking in the show.

We all need each other to remind us to let go.  We are learning from one another how to love and respect.   No one can ever hurt me again, no matter how bad it gets, nobody will ever be able to cause me pain.  I have too much compassion and understanding for any of it.  And even if I do manage to get hurt again, I roll with it.  I roll with it and it polishes me somehow.

None of it matters.  None of it matters simply because nobody see’s the truth.  If you’re on the receiving end of emotional abuse, you are no better than the abuser – you are both playing the same game.  Compassion is what keeps you tied, but it’s also the answer for stepping aside.  Self-actualization shows you where you are attached and where to let go.  Compassion for yourself is the thing most liberating.

One of my old friends called me up today.  One that I haven’t spoken to in years.  She told me that I sounded more mature, like I was all grown up.

Me – “Really?  I feel more mature.”

I haven’t thought about it until today, of how my awakening is showing on the outside.  I still act like my normal self – I’m still the same person.  But there are subtle changes taking place.  So subtle even to me.

It makes me think that we’re all children until we learn how to take responsibility.  And for us to take responsibility, we must conquer our hidden fear of those who hold authority or power over us.  We must become the person of authority (authority over ourselves).  Growing up is about believing in yourself.  To feel that you’re entitled to be here.  You have a voice and every right to be heard.

This is the reason for my inability to speak in public.  It’s also the reason why I get nervous on my birthday.  I feel that I don’t deserve to be celebrated, or that I don’t have any right to speak in front of a large group of people.  Believing that I do have a right, is tied in with spiritual awakening.

Stop asking permission when it comes to matters in your own life.

Once you get over the hump, you are free to play with it.  You start to see yourself crisper, to be fully connected with the movements of your body and verbal expressions.  You are in the drivers seat.  You can dance and sing better, communicate better, create anything…better.

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Another Facebook Encounter With an Old Friend

It’s a cold grey day out.  It’s the first time all winter where the weather has actually effected my mood.  Sucks….

I hung out with a friend from high school the other day.  He contacted me thru Facebook and we hung out.  The last time he contacted me, about 5 years ago, I messaged him back a few times but then ignored him – not on purpose, just that I didn’t have time.

I respond to people out of guilt.  If it weren’t for my guilt, I’d never go out.

I’m someone who doesn’t like having a lot of friends.  Give me one or two good ones and I’m happy.  Everyone else can make cameo appearances.  But as fate would have it, people like me.

This poor guy though, he likes me a LOT.  He looks and acts like Ducky from the movie Pretty in Pink – super sweet and super nice.  He always had a thing for me, and me being the asshole that I was, used him to cheat off of.  He gave me test answers and I copied his homework.

For our tenth year reunion, I was skunk drunk out of my mind and made out with him.  I did it because I thought it would be nice of me to fulfill his high school fantasies and yes, I really am that vain.

I regretted it ever since.

So anyway, we hung out.  We got pizza and then went to Billy O’s after.  A place where everyone know’s me.

Him – “You must come here a lot.”

Me – “I used to….”

He is such a nerd.  I relate well to nerds, being that I am one.

The whole time he was looking at me with those puppy eyes, you know the one’s I mean?  Eager, expectant, excited – but not about getting laid, just about spending time with me.

Was it a bad choice to see him?  What horrible things are in store for him if I continue to hang out with him?

I push people away.  I do it so they won’t expect much from me and if they don’t expect much, I feel less guilt.  There’s a certain kind of freedom in that.  And all I seem to care about is freedom.

Now he’s texting me to go hiking with him and asking me what I’m doing Friday and Saturday.  Ahhh it’s starting!  I’m just so stinkin’ nice is what it is.  I’m nice but in a sincere way – and you know how hard that is to find?  It’s bloody hard.

Matt has been texting me wanting to hang out.  He’s the guy who blew me off when I got back from Colombia.  Telling me that I’m irresponsible and I don’t care about my friends or the people I hurt.  And he’s the one who dropped ME!  None of it makes any sense.  People are crazy.  They baffle me and I given up trying to understand them.

I’m in work.  My last client was a cute old man who comes to see me once every two weeks.  My next client won’t be here until 4:30, a full two hours away.  So you know what that means?  It’s time for this worn out girl to lay on her table with the lights turned low, candles lit and listen to her spiritual teacher explain how to block a psychic  attack – a person who sends you hate energy.

I don’t feel any hate coming my way, or maybe I just gotten used to it.  My OCD cousin living in my house is a swarm of hate energy.

Anyway, I don’t believe everything this guy says.  Some of it hits home, but a lot of it he’s just making up.  I can tell the difference when a spiritual teacher is intuiting knowledge from a higher source, or if they’re just making it up.  I can tell because I been there myself.

If you have two spiritual teachers that disagree on something, one of them is a fake.  The answers these teachers intuit are the same answers that are fundamental, undebatable truths.  And when I go on YouTube and listen to these teachers, my jaw drops listening to them because everything they say are the same truths that I learned during my spiritual awakening.  All written here in my blog before ever even listening to a spiritual teacher.  It’s really freaky – you’re just going to have to trust me on that.

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The Foundation of Creative Thinking Part 4: The art of mastery

I’ve never experienced a real day of solitude in my life.  Real solitude is having you all to yourself.  Absolutely no worry or stress.  Having no outside influences that derail you from your self.  And you feel no guilt for choosing your solitude over others pressing for your time.  It is truly yours.  Having no desire, no wants.  You are at perfect peace in the moment and find bliss in just being.

Material objects become part of us.  They become an extension of ourselves.  A man is just a man, but a man with a stick is a man with a stick – he becomes more than just a man.  True solitude is placing yourself outside the desire of acquiring things.  If a simple stick can change a man, imagine what a gun can do.  Or imagine what attachment to a person, or people in general can do.  You become not your true self, but the property of outside influences.  Once dependent, always dependent.  You will never acquire the highest peak of realization.

If you are dependent on your job, you will find more ways to become even more dependent on it.  You attach yourself to different places that offer security.  The more places you attach yourself to, the safer you feel.  If you are dependent on seeking power, you will find more ways of attaching yourself to power.  But power is just another thing.  It’s not real freedom.

You stop owning yourself and let your fears own you instead.

I have one client today at 7 pm.  The day is completely wide open for me to explore and find a small fragment of solitude.  My last full work day was Saturday and now it’s Wednesday.  The last 3 days I spent with friends, so these last three days were not my own.  But today is a break – a true break.

This is my time, I have no stresses.  My life is truly a brilliant hue today and will remain a brilliant hue from here on out.

When you desire something for the sole reason being that it satisfies a selfish ego need, it does not contribute to your overall well-being, nor does it contribute to others well-being.  It is enclosed in itself, feeding off others (or objects) like a parasite.

But art is desire absent of acquiring.

I have a strong passion to write – I am in a way, attached to my blog.  I feed off experiences I acquire, but I give back by trying to make sense of it all.  I write for my own well-being, and in turn, possibly effecting others as well.  Here in my blog, I turn experiences into knowledge, and if I’m lucky, knowledge into wisdom.

Art is both finding and creating your true self.  And in my experience, this is done through….experience.

Critics who depend on inspiration but can not receive it from the creations of others, critique.  They are in fact artists themselves, forming the perfect ideological masterpiece from bits and pieces that their critiques acquire.  But they are dependent upon other people’s mistakes to feed their own inspiration and vision.  As long as they are dependent, they will never be able to create anything of beauty.  It doesn’t matter how much knowledge they have, or how much art they seen – once dependent, always dependent.  Always dependent until they step out of the mode of critiquing and find their own source of light.  Critic’s can become the greatest masters.

There’s a saying that goes “You either got it or you don’t.”

I’m trying to understand the ways of “getting it”, and if I “get it”, then maybe you will too.

To recap my Foundation of Creative Thinking series, it all starts with the ability to let go of all thought.  Let go all the struggle’s that are listed in the lower tiers of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  Once you find yourself in a stress-free zone, you are primed and vulnerable to start creating your true self.  Don’t create and pull from outside sources, pull from within and have faith in nothing but yourself and what the universe brings your way.  Trust it is there to guide.  Find your solitude and place all desires aside.  Be mindful of your thoughts, but know they are thoughts that don’t belong to you, but are a product of your physical brain doing what it does.

The place I want you to attain is the place of feeling, knowing and believing.  It’s a place void of language.  This is where you find your true self and passions, but it’s also a place of creation.  The warm juicy center that is ripe for progress – for evolutionary progress.  You hold it in your hands.  You are the creator of all that you are.

You can find this center in almost every endeavor you practice.  Any form of art, you can find this center.  A sandwich maker, a plumber, landscaper, surgeon, someone who cleans houses – they are all forms of art.  Art can be found in anything that serves others – but you have to look at it in not the lower tiers of conscious, but of the higher – it’s there you will understand.

If you don’t have a vision to create, you can find it in serving others.  You can see the vision of what you hope for, and bring it to life with care, patience and passion.  Perfectionists are all artists to me.  To have that vision in your minds eye, and see it out.

Ikebana, the Japanese art of flowering arrangement, looks simple, but to the true master, they will tell you it’s really mastery of the mind.  To acquire the highest peak of vision and arranging it in a flower display, is true consciousness at its highest.  It’s mastery of minimalism.  What’s simple is true, and finding that simplicity takes practice.  You don’t practice by arranging flowers, you practice by mastering your mind.  If you can grasp the concept of what exactly Ikebana is, then you can grasp what creativity is.

You will be on the path to your higher self.

I can go on and on, but these posts really need to be short and simple.  It’s my own form of mastery I guess.  To capture the exact vision of what I’m trying to convey in my head – it’s hard!

Find your solitude and there you will find your true passion and true self.  If you can’t be passionate about being a sandwich maker, change it.  But maybe the answer lies in the sandwich….

If you can’t find yourself in the small things, you certainly won’t find it in the larger, or anywhere else for that matter.  It all starts with the sandwich.

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Melanie tackles karma and the Higgs Boson. What’s the Higgs you say? Only the answer to everything!

I understand Karma and it’s not as simple as you may think.  Well, it IS simple, but the way we learn it is far different from what it actually is.  We understand the simple definition of karma which is that by doing good, good things happen.  But that’s just the tip, and nobody likes just the tip of anything.  If people knew what’s really going on behind the curtain, life gets a hell of a lot more interesting!

I’ll try to explain it as simply as I can for my sake, not yours.  Complicated crap never sticks in my brain.

Doing good deeds solely for the prospect of being rewarded is not how karma works.  If you do good only to gain respect and admiration from people, that is the false illusion of ego, not the transcendent ways of karma.

When I was in the spirit realm with ayahuasca, she told me that we are all here to evolve.  We are here to grow and strengthen.  There’s no other purpose other than that.

Me – “No other purpose?”

Aya – “No other purpose.”

Me – “But why?”

Aya – “To be strong for others on their journey.”

Me – “But why?”

Aya – “We can only evolve together.”

Me – “But why evolve?  What for?”

Aya – “……”

I was starting to piss her off.

This is a karma-based universe.  All laws of physics are born and reproduced using karma’s universal law that guides us towards God.  We are pre-programed in our souls DNA to reach the heights of our higher being.  The more curious we are, the more answers we seek, all the more sooner we reach our collective destination.  But we have to do it together.  There is no other way because we are in essence, an integral part in shaping the realities of those around us.  Our worlds collide and our perspectives can either clash, maintain, or evolve into a fruitful understanding of each other and seeing the true face of existence.

Cultivating compassion-driven relationships with the common goal of having a win-win friendship, aligns your soul with good karma.  When one person dominates, it becomes win-lose.  Where there is judgement, there is blame and anger – absence of compassion.  To have unconditional love for others is what aligns your soul towards reaching a higher conscious state.

Actually, there is no such thing as good or bad karma, karma is only karma.  If things go bad, it’s merely a push, a reminder for you to get back on path.  If the bad karma persists, it means you have not learned your lesson yet.  What you resist persists and the universe wishes to teach and strengthen.  It will keep pushing and pushing, digging you deeper and deeper until the turning point of release – relinquishing you of all control and fear.

Karma tries to teach you to release the things that don’t matter.  Releasing the fear-bound needs of the ego.  It does so by using emotions.  The stronger the emotion, the more you need to let it go.  Enjoy happiness when it comes your way, but that too needs to be released.  But you can only release it with knowledge.  Humbly learning and admitting to your fears and weaknesses, not trying to control anything, or hold onto things.  Learning your deepest intensions is the best medicine for curing any negative karma.

Self awareness is key.

The deeper you go into awareness, the more of the world  you see.  You take the blinders off and start seeing the real miracle of us being here.  You appreciate merely existing.

Anyway, I need to figure something out here and the best way to do that is by writing about it.  I feel like my eyes are open, but my physical self is holding on too tight.  Hinduism believes that undergoing a pilgrimage cleanses the soul and allows in good karma.  It’s like a walking confessional.  Each step you take gets you closer to liberation, closer to your primal, universal soul.

I feel I’m so close, only inches away from everything.  My life is formless, it’s a vapor of evolution.  What I want it to be, whatever I want it to represent – I can manifest.  I only have to believe.  I have to believe in myself.

Karma has a way of telling me that I don’t think much of myself.  That I don’t have a whole lotta self esteem or confidence.  That’s partly why I allowed in emotional abuse and why I stayed so long in crummy jobs.

There was this one job I had at Lavender Fields day spa where I was paid $10 an hour to give massages and when I wasn’t giving massages, I cleaned the bathrooms, made phone calls and sent out mailings.  All for ten stinking dollars an hour – before taxes!  The owner was a bizarre woman on top of everything else.  She tried being funny by being vulgar.

Her – “It smells like rotten vagina in here!”

Me – “…….”

She is no Sarah Silverman.  Sarah Silverman isn’t even Sarah Silverman all the time.

I worked there out of fear.  Fear of not having a job – any job.  And so I settled for shit.  I settled for shit because that’s what I thought I was worth.

Finally I put in my two weeks, and started work at Massage Envy for $15 an hour.  $15 an hour is still shit, but everybody was super nice and I was comfortable there.  Plus it was the birth place of my blog.

I stayed there and sunk into my laziness and contented self.  My addictions and going out with friends depressed my creativity and spiritual growth.  I knew I couldn’t stay there forever.  Nothing was happening, I wasn’t progressing. I gotten lazy and became lost in knowing what to do next.  I was going to go back to school, but K begged me to go to Nepal with her.  So I put off school and went to Nepal.  I went there to seek answers, maybe find my path.  I sought answers, and those answers came in the form I was not expecting.  Those answers wanted me to change my beliefs, change my entire perception of myself and people.  The answers wanted me to change my life.

It’s so strange looking back on everything.  Like it was slowly snowballing.  My whole life was snowballing into a climax.  I climaxed on the threshold of pain, of not seeing reality, of feeling like I was nothing to nobody.  Every day I built my house of cards that collapsed on the slightest tremble.  And I was trembling.

Beer made it possible for me to keep rebuilding my house of cards.  Beer made it easier to deal with everything collapsing over and over again.

Now there’s nothing to collapse.  It’s not an absence of anything – it’s more like having an acceptance of the things I can’t control.  The deck of cards represented my beliefs – my limiting beliefs in thinking that my answers and salvation are only to be found from an outside source.  I built my house in order for others to see my potential and swoop in to rescue me.  I was not a whole person yet.  I didn’t believe in myself.

Life is truly amazing once you start seeing the patterns.  And once you see the patterns, you can see where you need to change.  You can see what limiting beliefs you have to let go of.  The problem with all that is that people are too lazy to change.  They get stuck in a routine, becoming animatron drift woods of habit.  Finding solace in addictions and finding their worth in the eyes of others.  Their lives have no fundamental equilibrium.  No ground, no real safety – only the facade of safety.  No matter how hard they try, they can’t recreate their carefree days of childhood.

Everyone is so scared to trust themselves.  That’s what my karma is trying to teach me.  To be confident and have faith in myself.

Me – “But wouldn’t that just make me a stubborn asshole that refuses to listen to other people?  Isn’t that what I want to avoid?”

Karma – “You will not become a stubborn asshole as long as you remain compassionate.”

Me – “But wouldn’t that just make me a patronizing pedantic asshole that pities people who aren’t as “evolved” as myself?”

Karma –  “Stay humble and compassionate.  Don’t talk too wise or think you know it all because honey, no matter how smart you think you are, you still don’t know shit.”

Karma will always find a way to humble you, and it will always find a way to show you your strength.  If you seek change and answers – the universe will provide it by handing you your customized learning experience.  But you have a choice.  There is always a choice.  Do you want change?  Are you brave enough to seek truth?  Do you really want to know your demons?

Once you’re out there living, getting your hands dirty and pushing your faith in God – the world opens up and things begin to loosen and fall.  You fall apart completely and wholly.  Are you ready for that to happen?  Are you ready to face a catastrophe?

The more stuck you are, the more emotionally dammed up you feel – the bigger the catastrophic event.  It needs to happen.  Like tension building on an elastic.  And it will keep happening until you are truly free.  But you have a choice….

So in a nutshell, that’s my take on karma.  For me personally, I’m starting to live by it whether it be fact or fiction.  It brings a new perspective on life and why things happen the way they do – and by seeing everything as a grand learning experience, makes life (to me) absolutely amazing.

Keep asking yourself why.  Why to everything.  Why do I feel this way?  Why am I doing this or why am I not doing that? Why is this happening?  It’s happening for a reason and it’s always for your benefit – always!

I didn’t exactly make all this up.  When you make something up, there’s no substance or belief behind it.  If an author decides to write a book without any feeling put into it, or a shred of truth involving our fallible human ways – the book will suck.

But this is one of those occurrences where I feel it.  It’s again, pulling from the channel that ayahuasca opened in me.

Being compassionate towards others brings them joy, believing in yourself brings you joy.  This is the way of karma, the universal way of finding God.

There’s this thing called the Higgs Boson.  It can be both a particle and a wave which has always baffled me and still continues to baffle me – but I won’t get into that.  The Higgs is a theoretical energy field that permeates everything including the vaccuum of space.  It’s what gives particles their mass (energy).  It basically brings everything into existence.  Many physicists call it the God particle, and many others say “It’s not God!  It’s just another damn particle that happens to tie everything together and explain once and for all why and how we exist – but it’s not God!”

I hate to ramble, but I just want to point out that when physicists look for a particle, they find it – like it intentionally pops into existence just for them – just by the weight of their thoughts.  As long as they have the right tools to detect it, they find it.  This Higgs field, in theory, connects EVERYTHING in the universe.  There is no gap between space.  It’s the field where prayers are heard and answered.  It’s the immaculate design of existence.

I agree with the scientists who say it’s only another particle yet to be discovered.  Just a tool, another building block to get closer to understanding.  Thats all true, but like with anything – this particle can be whatever you want it to be.  Just the same as a blade of grass is proof enough that life is a miracle, or it can just be another blade of grass with its existence being rather common and explanatory.  The only dividing factor is, do you feel numb to this spectacular show?  Or does everything deeply touch and move you?  I choose to be touched.  I choose to feel.

What gives grass its life?  The atoms and the particles, the energy from the sun.  What gives those particles their energy?  We don’t know, but for some reason, it’s not considered a miracle because everything we see can be explained with science.

It’s so funny to watch these scientists go deeper and deeper into understanding, and the deeper they go, the more curious and passionate they become.  It’s not just about seeking answers, but finding out the true nature of existence – we are so close!  And the scientists feel it, they know something is looming over the horizon.

Many scientists believe that the Higg’s has to exist.  They even use it in the standard model equation that can precisely calculate anything in the universe other than gravity.  It can tell you why the sky’s blue, or why our DNA is shaped the way it is – all can all be explained with this equation.  And it uses the God particle to fill in the missing blanks.  The God particle that does not go against the Newtonian laws of energy that states it cannot be created or destroyed.

This stuff is cool isn’t it?  Come on now, I’m an undereducated massage therapist who admits she has her failings.  I may not be able to understand the exact science of it all, but the simple idea of it – the simplicity is there and I understand that.  Can’t I marvel at the possibility that yes, we are all gods, all creators of the universe that just recently found our paintbrush – we found our medium that coalesces our souls into interstellar oneness.  Can’t I have fun with that idea without sounding like a bible thumping, narrow-minded, unilluminated believer of fantasy?

I’ll end this post by explaining to you how a particle can also be a wave.  When particles are in wave form, essentially they are smudged in a non-local dimension of possibilities.  They take on the shape of particles only when they are being watched by the human eye.  The person looking at it brings it into existence and localizes it, unsmudging the possibilities.

And this isn’t science fiction, it’s fact!

Anyway, that’s a hell of a lot to think about.  What’s the point of thinking about any of this?  I like to think it makes us lucid.  More able to shape our lives.  It also puts us in a place where we can understand the great philosophers and poets.  We become awake as they are.  We become as creative as they are.

I have an unnerving amount of clients for the next 14 days.  I’m averaging over 6 hours of massage a day.  No time for anything except work.  I love my job, but hate it when it’s on this high of a caliber.  It has taken me at least 5 days writing this post.  I can only do it five minutes at a time in-between clients.

My entries may be spaced out and sparse until March 6, when my groupons expire.

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Time to whip my butt into shape!

Yoga Class at a Gym Category:Gyms_and_Health_Clubs

Yoga Class at a Gym Category:Gyms_and_Health_Clubs (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Micky is on the phone talking over invincible air raids.  I’m sitting here on my bench in the office.

I’m starting to get to that comfortable feeling again.  You know what I’m talking about?  It’s the feeling you get when you like your job, you’re making good money and you have absolutely zero things to stress about.  I spent the majority of my life being in this feeling.  This is where I belong – yes, really.  It’s where I belong….

I talked before about me being like a coin; one side is all daffodils and daisy’s but on the other is prickly cacti.  Why do I have to choose a side?  I don’t want to choose to be happy or good anymore, I don’t want to choose to be anything.  I’m just going to Be and see what happens.  I’ll be the serrated edges of a quarter instead.  Jagged and jaded but not fooling herself or nobody.

This is where I’m most content.  This is where I feel like myself.  The problem is, I lose all my professionalism and clients become friends I never met.  But they seem to like this!  At first people act all old and adult, but then they loosen up a bit and I see how they were in high school – they act young again.

I haven’t been doing anything lately accept work.  Camping was the last time I did anything.  It was fun, I had a blast.  I smoked pot and drank myself 6 beers by the fire.  I slept like a baby.

I signed myself up for birkram yoga.  I start on Monday.  Amy went for the first time last week and said it was hard.  Very VERY hot.  I’m going to tough it out.  Doing hot yoga was part of my awakening – I saw how much our bodies are connected to our spirits, and was shown how important yoga is for keeping that connection healthy.  I don’t know how or why, but yoga especially.  And it should be easy dragging myself there every week if Amy’s counting on me to be there.

I have to start exercising for the Camino.  I’m also going to start a running program in the morning before work which means that I have to go to bed early.  No more late night video games or watching one show after the other on Netflix, and absolutely no – and I mean NO Billy O’s.

I’m going to try out the 5K Runner app on the iPhone.  While you’re listening to music, a voice cuts in to tell you when to walk or run.  It may sound silly, but for anyone who ever tried running, it’s a huge lifesaver to be told when it’s okay to slow down for a bit.  It’s a pain having to time everything yourself.

And I quit smoking again.  I love to smoke, I really do, but I don’t need it anymore.  My stress is long gone and I’m relatively happy these days.

I’m just really tired.  It might be from the leftover Chinese food I had for breakfast, or the turkey sandwich for lunch.

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Menstrual Mel

Understand The Chaos

I liked being alone when I was little, but I never was. There were always people around watching over me, hovering above me, wondering what I was up to. “When I grow up”, I thought to myself, “I want to be alone and think. Just sit and think until I understand.” I was a weird kid, but I actually had this desire. I was really little too, like maybe seven? I couldn’t understand why people talked so much and why they were always angry or sad. I just wanted to understand, but I felt I had to get away from all the noise first, to be able to do it.

This yearning to be alone followed me all the way into my twenties. “Just for a little while,” I thought, “just enough time for me to clear my head and understand better.”

I had an experience when I was a kid. I may have written about it already, but my head is so foggy tonight that I can’t remember.

I was talking to my Dad. I was about 6 or 7 years old. We were talking about the universe and how it all started.

Me – “What was here before the universe?”

Pop – “Nothing was here.”

Me – “Was it just blackness?”

Pop – “There was no blackness. Blackness didn’t exist yet. There was nothing.”

That’s when I experienced my first zen moment. My mind became quiet, clear, still. It became blank and empty. It was the feeling you get when listening to an empty conch shell. Well, almost that feeling.

A split second later, I was back to reality. I had no idea what just happened – had no name or knowledge of it, but I knew I had experienced something, just no idea what. I tried to do it again. I called it “blankness,” and I could only obtain the “blankness” if I thought about the blankness before the universe started. I was able to control it. I was able to go in and out of Zen.

Are these two things normal for a kid to experience?

I had another zen moment a few weeks ago. I hadn’t had one in maybe 10 years.

What brought on this zen moment were thoughts about energy. The fact that it can never be created or destroyed, only change form. I thought about the time before the universe began – the timeless blankness – and wondered that because energy could never be created or destroyed, than it must have always been here, but since nothing existed before the universe, energy had no form to take. If it had no form, than what was it? If it had no purpose, no place to go, what form was it in? Does matter make energy, or does energy make matter?

This type of unanswerable question is called a Koan. It can’t be figured out or understood using rational thought, but can be intuitively felt and realized. It’s something that can’t be described (though, you can try), only felt. And it induces a state of meditation. Zen Buddhists use Koan’s as a way to obtain enlightenment. It is possible to find an answer to a koan, but the answer is only true if it’s a personal realization and not a rationalized one.

With all that said, I’m pretty sure I was a Zen Buddhist in a previous life. I mean seriously! I read that the Dalai Lama has no tolerance for insincere people – and neither do I! And I intuitively sense when I meet an inauthentic human being. I’m not sure tolerance is the right word. Maybe no patience, or no time to be wasted by conversing with them.

I also get an insane amount of anxiety when I feel that I’ve hurt someone. Whether they are genuine or not, I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt Christina for being how she is. You can’t make a person understand by hurting them, it’s just a cycle of anger and sadness. I would hurt her, and she hurts me back. Nothing is gained.

I’m going through a rough time. It’s not just because I want to quit my job at a time when I could really use the money (for Nepal), It doesn’t have anything to do with Christina or the man-baby. It has to do with my Mother. I still haven’t told her about Nepal and it’s tearing me up inside. I feel I’m being dishonest with her – this dishonesty is throwing me off balance. My guilt is wreaking havoc on me. I want to cry. I want to stay home just to appease her, but I know that’s the wrong thing to do. It’s the wrong thing for both of us. I’m hurting my Mother without her knowing I’m hurting her.

I’ll no doubt still lie to her about buying a resort package with a guided tour of Nepal. I have to lie. But it make me feel worse by telling her nothing at all. In this situation, I rationalize, that by me lying to her, I’m only hurting myself with guilt – but by telling her the truth, I’m relieving my guilt, and hurting her instead. Telling the truth to a person who will never understand, is hurtful. However, telling the truth to someone who would understand, is the liberating, respectable thing to do. Well, in this situation at least. Shit, I’m rambling.

But by lying to her, I’m secretly conveying the message that she’s incapable of changing herself or understanding. That she will always be a control freak and not expect much else out of her. This is a paradox. Did I just create another Koan?

I guess the best thing to do in this case is compromise. To grow by gaining small levels of understanding at a time. I’ll tell her I’m touring Nepal, but with a large group of tourists. She’ll become enlightened in increments.

I’m PMS’ing. This type of thought ALWAYS happens to me when I’m PMS’ing. I hate it. Absolutely hate it. Okay, so I was a Zen buddhist in a past life – whatever you say menstrual Mel!

I bought a book about meditation. This is the book:

This guy’s meditation technique is that there is no technique, no effort. It just simply is was it is.

I mix a little of my own technique with his no effort/no control way, and it seriously works. It works to quiet and untangle my brain.

When I meditate to find “quietness,” I feel a physical barrier. A wall. This “wall” feels like a fist that tightens the closer I come to it. It’s stifling, claustrophobic and has the same kind of pressure that you may feel from a headache, only it doesn’t hurt.

My technique to this fist in my head is to approach it lightheartedly without effort, and to visualize it tightening and then loosening. It doesn’t lose the shape of a fist when it loosens, but every time I squeeze it and release it, it’s able to relax slightly more after each pass. I tighten and loosen, tighten and it loosens some more. I do it to the rhythm of my breath. As I inhale, the fist tightens and on the exhale, loosens. And that impenetrable wall and pressure dissipates. It’s left open and free for idea’s to float in.

Of course as soon as I figured this out, I had to jump on my blog to write about it. My mind is a fist once again. I need to learn how to let go. That’s what it is with me. I have trouble letting go. It’s hard to let go of something when you don’t know what it is. I’m guessing it’s fear, or doubt maybe? I don’t know.

Am I done yet? Hmmm, I think so. Sorry for the weird post.

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Filed under All about me, random thoughts, Self help