I’m in work waiting for my client to show. She’s my pretend sister, my brothers fiancé.
I’m still sick. All I want to do is go home and put my pajama’s back on. I feel a type of exhaustion I only felt one other time while I was suffering from altitude sickness when hiking up the goddamned Himalayas. Unable to move or function. It’s stress induced, I know it.
And when I am home, I feel bored. I never get bored! I’m bored because I’m too exhausted to do anything. It’s frustrating. And so I mess around with iMovie and make YouTube video’s like an asshole.
Experiencing boredom makes me understand people better. They push themselves everyday just to escape this kind of boredom – escape the meaningless of it. Nobody wants to be alone with themselves.
Time is approaching for the Camino launch. It really is a big deal. Not to anyone else, but for me it’s huge.
People go on the Camino expecting to find miracles, insights, to find God, secret cults….etc. They think it’s some prolific journey and are let down when all they’re up against is walking on blisters. They can’t find the spirituality they seek.
People need to realize that spirituality happens when you’re alone with yourself. And just like it is with boredom, it can scare the shit out of anyone. Make them itch off their skin. Wanting to get out.
This is the world I live in – the world of reflection. I’m at ground zero in fighting my own bullshit. I crave solitude and being alone as a way to find faith in myself, a way to find my ground. However, with such a big journey approaching, I’m feeling that I need others support more than my own courage. It’s like reaching for a life raft before sinking into my fears.
I’m not brave enough on my own.
This is why I’m sick. This is why I felt boredom for the first time in years. Right now I need to be around people, but unfortunately I’m stuck in bed. I stretched myself out too thin over the past few weeks and it all caught up.
Now I’m stretching myself out on my bed with my laptop on my crotch. It’s 9:10 pm. I downloaded three audiobooks for the Camino.
Ellen DeGeneres – Seriously….I’m Kidding
Tina Fey – BossyPants
Mindy Kaling – Is everyone hanging out without me?
They are all safely stored on my iPhone awaiting day one of the Camino. In all honesty, I’m looking forward more towards listening to those books than I am to the actual walking part.
I’m having second thoughts about this whole thing. No no, wait, am I?
I can’t stop sneezing. My coughs are coming from the bowels of my spleen. The spleen is a dark slimy green, loud, mucus organ.
Omg I need nightquil. I have a tear rolling down my salty hot cheek.
Why am I doing the Camino anyway? I already went through all that spiritual crap, I get it. Let go, go with the flow, hold no negativity, be compassionate, all suffering is self inflicted. Yep, got it. I don’t need to walk across Spain to gain understanding!
My laptop is getting all germy with my hot sweaty hands all over it.
I’m walking it for pride, for ego. So I can someday look back on it and say “Hell yeah I fucking did that.” There is no other purpose other than that.
That seems to be the reason why I do everything. Or is it? Do I really care about seeing the world and what’s out there? Or is it all just an attempt at filling that empty space in me that yearns and yearns? Am I yearning for a proud moment? Is there meaning in pride?
This is how the camino humbles people. They see themselves as the horse asses they are. Possibly once they transcend their arrogance, transcend hiding their weaknesses or lying to themselves, that’s when they reach their ground zero – the true person they really are. And no, there’s no meaning in pride – it’s only yet another illusion of ego.
You have to stand directly in the light in order to see your own dark shadows. The camino physically puts you there in that light whether you want it to or not. That’s the spiritual part of it. When your physical body gets pushed, so does your soul.
It’s all about thinking, getting yourself good and humbled and asking yourself while looking down that endless road, “is this really all there is?”
Yeah buddy, that’s everything.
You are it! The zen is already in you. Which brings me back to the beginning, why oh why the hell am I doing this?
Most people choose to walk alone because they haven’t reached an understanding in themselves. They need to think more on it. Think about what? The why, that’s what.
“Why, why why?”
Me – “Cause it just is man. Let it go.”
I let everything go. I let everything go and now I want to walk and leave it all behind. I want to vanquish even more shit hidden in me. I want to be both the water and the rock. Unable to ever be hurt again, but soft enough to embrace change. My soul is the rock, my physical self and mind are like water.
I want to get there – the foundation, the answer.
In moments such as this, when I find peace – I feel I have it, but then as soon as I’m around people, it gets ripped from me.
Ayahuasca told me I need to be strong for others – maybe this is what she meant.
I need to sleep.