Tag Archives: spirituality
Melanie’s Epic Epiphany Part 2: Courage, Duality, Faith, Belief, Karma, Feedback Loop and all that jazz
Hang on tight to your sanity stockings ’cause shits about to get deep up in here.
Okay, so what I’m about to tell you might be very hard to grasp, but try to stay with me. I’ll go slow and write concise. I’m learning this stuff as I go along, so nothing is settled in me as I type. I write and then it becomes settled.
I experienced an epiphany while I was playing in a poker tournament last week. The epiphany was about knowing where your limits are and finding the courage to move past them. Whenever you test your faith, that’s when you learn where your limits are. Poker is a game where you get to play around with this.
I’ll get into all that in just a little bit, but first I need to tell you about an out of body experience shared by four separate travelers.
I like to read about peoples experiences with going out of body. On several occasions I came across stories about astral travelers ending up in places where they can choose to go deeper, but fear holds them back. Their bodies become immobile. The places they described were mostly all different, but their experiences are eerily the same.
For one woman it was a hallway. The further she walked down the hallway, the more scared she became. She knew there was something important at the end of the hallway, but she couldn’t get there. She wasn’t brave enough.
And in another story, there was a man at a cinema. He went inside a dark theater and started walking towards the movie screen down the long middle isle. The further he moved down the isle, the more frightened he became. He looked around at all the others sitting in their seats as you would expect in a regular theater, but only there in that particular theater he knew that those people picked those seats because they were unable to progress further down the isle. They went as far as their courage could take them.
With each step, terror rose in him until even just the slightest inch forward sent him into panic. He could move no further. He had to take his seat in the nearest row.
Two other people experienced this test of courage with a pyramid. They were not traveling together, but arrived at the same pyramid by chance. And as luck would have it, I stumbled upon both articles.
They started walking towards a pyramid made out of crystal. At first it was effortless, but then became increasingly difficult. There were obstacles in the way. They became stricken with fear the closer they came to the pyramid. One made it, while the other did not.
These stories are scattered everywhere on the net. They’re hard to find if you specifically look for them, but if you read enough OBE’s they pop up.
I connected the poker tournament with the fear of walking down that dark corridor. I saw it so plainly – I seen and felt it.
Poker is a microcosm of human behavior and interaction. You are dealing with raw emotion, concise purpose, and have little control over what cards you’re dealt – at least you think you have little control.
It’s been a while since I had this epiphany, but I remember duality playing a huge role in your luck. The duality of physical reality over spirit. The abrasive rub that shapes us and makes us stronger.
Everybody wants to win – you want to win. If the law of attraction is real, than why can’t you win? It won’t happen because you don’t have the courage in yourself to make it happen. You don’t believe. You don’t have enough strength. You don’t have the trust or faith in taking that next step. And if you tried taking that next step, you would become terrified of the unknown possibilities – losing your ego and sense of control. Going deeper feels like death. Unless you’re confident or don’t care about winning, you will feel a looming dread every time you rely solely on faith.
The imagery and knowledge seeping into me was inescapable. If felt so real. As real as the pocket 10’s in the folds of my hands.
I reached enlightenment as I sat there holding my cards and staring at all the other players. I saw them plain as day. All their tells, all their thoughts, fears, anxieties. The room became hazy and misty, my head felt light and dizzy.
Me thinking – “Holy crap this is real. This is so real. I can feel my own fear. I can see my own distrust, my own limits!”
I physically felt blocks in front of me preventing myself from moving further. I hadn’t the faith or the courage.
I understood. I understood everything.
Okay, now let’s take it a step further. This dualism that we see everywhere is actually a feedback loop from one unifying, underlining entity. The “dualistic” part is merely our perceptions trying to rationalize one thing. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction (karma). The reactions will keep happening until there is homeostasis – peace. In order for these exchanges to happen, it must sprout from one continuous, harmonious cycle of energy in flux and flow and in communion with itself.
This is done with the help of a feedback loop. Our current actions shape our futures and those futures direct our present moment. It feeds back into itself. Like an ouroboros.
If we are aware enough to visualize our futures and take the appropriate actions needed to achieve those visualizations, the feedback loop will reciprocate and good karma will come of it. You don’t have to be compassionate, giving or enlightened – as long as you believe in yourself and have faith, you can achieve anything.
When faith outweighs the fear…
But if you do achieve success while being unenlightened, you won’t have peace. You’ll still have to deal with the universe throwing you curve balls trying to wake you up – but at that point you’ll have so much success that your ego blocks everything out. You may even end up losing your entire empire if it’s being loosely held together with ego, fear and control.
Inside all physical reality exists a piece of the spiritual and inside the spiritual exists a piece of the physical. They exist simultaneously. The physical acting as a mirror, a shadow from the infinite expansion of the spiritual.
We can effect the feedback loop because the feedback loop is dependent on the sum of it’s parts. It is a living, breathing mechanism that we are all a part of.
If God creates everything in the universe, and we stop worshiping the teapot instead of drinking the tea – we can create too.
Skeptic – “Why would God create poison berries and plant them next to edible berries?”
Me – “That’s the duality that shapes us. Fear shapes us and keeps us alive, aware and evolving. You can never have one without the other. You should never judge one as being “bad” while the other “good.” They are both one and the same energy of nature.
Skeptic – “But what about all that garbage you said earlier about having faith and no fear? You would end up eating the poison berries yourself you fool!”
Me – “Okay shut your pie hole and listen up. You have to accept and respect natures process. It humbles you by doing so. Being knowledgeable and utilizing that knowledge is how we evolve our brains. The poison berries serve their purpose in the world. If you want to test your faith, go ahead and eat them. It weeds out all the arrogant gluttons.”
The meek shall inherit the earth.
Skeptic – “Okay wise ass what about parasites? All they do is feed off their host. How’s there any purpose in that? What do they give back?”
Me – “A parasite feeds for survival and by them feeding, subtle changes take place in their host that leads them into developing a series of complicated evolutionary leaps that both evolves and strengthens their immunity. And as we evolve, so does the parasite.”
(That’s why antibiotics are bad. We stop evolving and the parasite keeps growing. And our eyes are getting weaker because we insist on wearing sunglasses! Our DNA actually changes when we put on a pair of shades and that DNA is passed down to our children. Do I personally wear sunglasses? Of course I do! They make me look cool and mysterious;)
There is no good or evil, nothing is ever all black or all white. There’s only awareness and using that awareness to see how everything fits into place.
Contrasts create beauty. Contrasts teaches us choice and free will. They form our individuality, our self-awareness and our ability to create. Contrasts helps us in distinguishing what’s what.
The illusion of duality is necessary to sharpen us, or to smooth us – depending on your role in the great almighty rock tumbler. Labeling something as being evil is a sharp judgement and an arrogant unaware reaction to an undesirable retribution of karma. Learn to let it go. Let go or make war.
Judgement serves in protecting ourselves. Whether it protects our ego’s or our lives – we manage to stay ahead and in control. This is how all species survives.
We must separate ourselves from the animals by using our self-awareness. That is the only thing that separates us from them. And once we find it, there will be peace.
The crazy part is, we NEED those sharp people in the tumbler as much as they need us! They need to feel loved and accepted as much as we need to be polished from the pain they inflict. It’s the yin and the yang, the snake eating its tail. David would not be David without Goliath. Goliath was just as much a part of the sacred, blessed light as David – so much so that he can be hailed as a martyr. His death created a great man and all he got in return was hate, judgement and blame for all of eternity. Who’s the real hero in the story?
Once you see duality as being the one infinite conscious energy that it is, you’ll be out of the blame game of hate. You will learn and understand compassion in its entirety.
And seeing how all this fits / plays together so simply, astounds me. There is no longer a blank day in my life where I don’t find myself being astounded over something. I’m blessed. I’m freaking blessed!
Anyway, I made it into being one of the last 7 players in the poker tournament. There were about 40 of us at the beginning. Not bad for a first timer.
Mellie likey poker.
Muah ha ha. Is this my angle for world domination? Eh hem, I mean living a quiet peaceful life?
If you’ve read all this than bravo. You get a lolly.
I had a very big break thru while playing in a poker tournament Sunday. It was one of my greatest epiphany’s of all time (besides my awakening with ayahuasca). It has to do with duality, going deeper into your fears, belief, faith, courage and trust.
The framework needed to be able to deeply feel this epiphany on a profound level is to have absolute belief in the existence of a spirit realm and to know that us human beings create the reality we see around us. That we all possess Godly knowledge and power. Understanding this fundamental truth is the basic principal into awakening. Knowing that this world is an illusion built upon karma, ego and duality – all necessary to further our evolutionary process.
Our collective consciousness is the medium in which we all paint.
But in order for us to process this understanding, we must take the leap of faith and separate ourselves from the ego bound nature of physical reality.
What people do to each other is insane. The further you are from compassion and non-judgement, the more insane you become. This is what evil is. And it’s this rub that shapes us. By adopting consciously aware and mindful choices, you choose the path of stepping away from circumstances that are out of your control. You evolve into a more blessed being – a wise guide that contributes to our one collective soul body.
This is where duality comes into play. The friction between the spiritual and the physical. The light from the dark. Very few people are even aware they have continuous access to the light.
I dubbed the dark ego-bound emotional reality as being the big almighty rock tumbler. We are thrown into this big vat of abrasive cohorts to shape and polish us. Both sides fighting for what they believe is right. But what they fail to realize is that fighting is fighting regardless of the cause. In the dark and almighty rock tumbler, all that exists are perceptions, not truths. No one can see the light in front of them while being shrouded in darkness and tumbling in the emotional upheaval of insanity. Grasping at whomever is near for stability and reason.
If you’re awake, you can choose to step out of the rock tumbler and see it for what it really is, a learning playground. And when you throw yourself back into it, getting your knee’s scraped up and suffering a bit, you actually feel better and stronger because of it. But you have to remain aware while you’re in there. Aware of the insanity and aware that all negative abrasive emotions are just insanity battling against even more insanity.
Staying aware is difficult because the gravity of others beliefs can suck you in. People normally take the side of the person they have more contact with simply because they get sucked in and stop seeing alternate perspectives. They are not aware and not in control (although they think they are). This is why children become the byproduct of their environment and of their parents fears. Until they break free and see the outside world on their own, they will fall victim to their circumstances and narrow perspectives. You become your environment and you want to protect those same circumstances that shaped your beliefs albeit whether they are wrong or right. They are you and you must defend yourself.
If you’re an awake individual, you become the polished gem inside the tumbler. One who uses compassion over abrasiveness, understanding over judgement and blame. You are humble enough to not have to protect yourself from attack. Stubbornness doesn’t exist in you, only understanding. Understanding of the process itself and seeing people’s inability to see the light. And having compassion for those who don’t see it and instead continue to suffer. You suffer along with them until you step out of the tumbler and dust yourself off. Feeling even more glorious than ever.
Very much like the feeling after having accomplished a long harrowing pilgrimage.
When you’re standing on the outside looking in, you can see the arial view of reality. You see the components, the insanity, the progression. If everyone were to lay down their arms, there would be no more progress. No evolution would take place. If we were all to stop fighting, hold hands and sing a church hymn – lose our ego, lose our duality, become one with nature and each other. If we were to do all that, reach nirvana, then a vital step in our evolutionary process would be missing.
It has to do with free will and conscious choice. We are individuals and because we are individuals, we must integrate our ego with the spirit in order to keep in tact the option of free will. We will lose our awareness if we’re not able to hold steady our individuality. We can not become powerful conscious creators if we lose our self-awareness. The rock tumbler is the process into gaining self-awareness, strength and courage.
The stronger you become, the less of the world you will fear. And without fear, you step into the portal of unwavering faith in yourself and God. You are consciously aware of the choices you make because of your integration with ego and spirit. We are no longer puppets, but the puppeteers. We become our adult higher selves instead of the slaves of fear. This is walking the path of greatness. And in walking this path, we consciously create our reality in our wake.
I still need to talk about duality, faith, going deeper into your fears and courage but I don’t want to make this post too long. This post is just a primer. My epiphany was so large making it super hard to explain. I felt it and then intuited the knowledge of how and why I was feeling it. There’s so many layers and parts to it.
I need to write it all down so I can incorporate it into memory. Honestly, I don’t know how it’s possible for people to not want to write. How will they remember things? How will they ever get better?
I had this post in my draft folder for days. I’ve been busy with other things. I threw myself back into the rock tumbler and tried being friends again with one of the Melanie Haters. The one who planned a vacation with my bff and purposely left me out of it.
It hurts being in the tumbler, I get scuffed up in the process – but I jumped back in using compassion as my guide instead of my defensiveness and trying to understand why. I will never understand why and not knowing the answer is all part of the tumbler. A part that bruises and scrapes against my ribcage aiming for my heart – both my greatest weakness and my greatest strength. It hits in waves and I let it do what it does until the tears come I say, “Okay enough,” and it subsides, slipping back into the tumbling chaos without me to follow suit.
I am out looking in and saying to myself, “Holy crap what a ride.”
I love the fact that I can feel so deeply. I love that I have a choice in letting myself feel it. It will only make me better – it has made me better. Ayahuasca told me that I’m special and I have gifts. Perhaps having such a big heart is one gift that is absent in others. I want to cry because I love this person I am. I see my ego self and I love her – I love that she feels so much.
I painted a picture for the Melanie Hater as a peace offering. I couldn’t think of anything else I could get her. Flowers, chocolate, bath soaps are all lame and so I painted a picture of us during happier times. When we were dressed up as Goldie Locks and the Three Bears on Halloween.
This is the product of 7 adult ed watercolor classes.
I was terrified of seeing her again. Afraid of hearing lies, being judged and blamed, looked down upon. These are all abrasives that left a scar. It can only be smoothed away with compassion and that compassion is what polishes me into a gem. Buffing out all my scuffed abrasive scars in the process.
So yeah, I’m fucking awesome….
I only have one more watercolor class left until it’s all over. I love this class – I really love it. I love the ladies, the instructor, and the woman sitting next to me who can’t handle criticism. I can see myself in all of them.
People become vulnerable when learning or doing something new, and if you look close enough, you can see your own reflection in their fears and weaknesses.
I’m only able to see myself with the help of others. It’s like I see myself in them and understand that if I don’t like what I see, I can change it in myself. I can change it because I know myself.
My mother was the first person whom I learned this from. I was only a kid, maybe 6 or 7. I learned that she was unable to see the person she became. I kept thinking over and over, “If only she can hear herself. If only she can see herself…..”
I became enamored with our old Sony camcorder bought in 1988. I was 8 years old lugging that big thing on my thin bony shoulder. I wanted to capture the true nature of people – the parts they miss out seeing while being in their first person perspective. I became the one responsible for recording video at all family functions. My high-pitched squeak voice narrated. I was rarely seen in our home video’s, only heard.
Creating yourself is about seeing yourself, whether you like what you see or not.
That’s why I believe art to be self-actualized.
I’ve always been somewhat good at artsy things. I don’t consider it being a natural talent – there’s no such thing as natural talent. Natural talent can’t be explained, but the way we learn can be explained. It’s not only about how we learn that brings about talent, but also the passion we have for our endeavors mixed with the belief in knowing that we’re good enough. No limits.
However, ayahuasca told me that I do possess unique talents. Perhaps she was talking about my ability to understand how to create. Patience and a steady hand, but the most important thing being: Don’t take it seriously!
I hate to bring up ego again but, seriousness breeds itself in the ego. It’s judgment of yourself and of others. It’s void of trusting and believing in yourself – it’s your fears incarnate.
It’s only when you let go of being serious, you are able to play and have fun.
All the ladies in the class are taking watercolor too seriously. They’re afraid of every brush stroke, while I’m sitting there cross-legged on my chair, thumbs in the thumbholes of my hoodie, daintily daunting the paper with the tip of my brush and thinking – “whatever happens, happens. I’m having fun!”
This is the part of my personality that can be annoying. My ability to just not give a shit, and at the same time, showcase talent. Why can’t people put these two together?!
Relinquish your need to control. You will never be able to control your fears. Let it go.
Everything will be okay in time. In time, I will get good. Also, when you let your ego govern you, you’re not learning anything. All you see are mistakes and frustration – that’s not playing and when you’re not playing, you’re not learning.
Anyway, my big trip is approaching. Peyote in Arizona and then hiking 500 miles in Spain. All I want to do is sit on the toilet to stop myself from shitting my pants. I’m not a traveler – I don’t do things like this. Especially not alone or without a guide. I’m 33 years old and I still live downstairs from my parents!
They don’t know I’m going by myself. And I assure you, I am NOT smart. But stupid people have the best adventures, right?
On top of all that, my stupid-ass managed to get uninvited to go on vacation with my old friends – the same friends I grew up with thinking that they were the only friends I would ever need. I was uninvited as quickly as I was invited. Why? Because I wanted to make sure they actually wanted me to go. And as it turns out, they don’t.
My heart feels the physical pangs of hurt (even though I didn’t think that was possible anymore), isolation and fear. Unwillingness to believe it’s possible to be abandoned all over again – how can it be? What did I do? I have to accept it. I have to deal with it. But shit, it hurts.
But I also feel courage. I have courage and faith. And I know for certain that there’s nothing more important to me right now than going on this trip. This is my life – this is exactly what I want to do with my life.
I flipped thru my journal from Colombia earlier today. I wrote while I was toked up on ayahuasca and another time with yopo. Why not share some pages with you? Hell, you know everything else there is to know about me….
Huh I just re-read a paragraph and it makes me think once again that everyone here living on this planet are here because they are fearful. EVERYONE! The only way out of it is faith. To have faith, suffering to attain that faith, and become strong and light. My faith is still shakeable, but I’m getting there. Compassion Melanie. Must remember compassion, being humble and open. This world is fantasy. Believe.
I am a light spirit. No no scratch that. I am thee light spirit.
Okay, being thee light spirit isn’t humble, but I’m playing in my ego which is totally okay so long as I know it’s just a delusion.
I know I sound crazy but I’ve been reading other spiritual teachers and let me just tell you hole-lee-shit it’s everywhere. It ain’t just me. And the SAME insights no less!
It’s profound. Completely profound. My heart thumps in awe after having crawled out of its slimy container of grief. I really am beautiful. We all are.
So hang in there old girl, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
The Camino, facing your fears and contributing to healing the world, and the benefits of pot – all in todays entry
I smoked pot last night and started looking up info on the Camino. I was high and mellow, letting the herb do what it does until I saw this picture:
“Oh shit what if something happens? What if I twist my ankle or get so tired that I can’t go on? I’ll be all alone in a foreign country looking down a road like that!”
Then it got worse. I looked at several more roads and imagined myself on them.
“Oh shit oh shit oh shit I can’t do this!”
Then I watched this trailer for a documentary about the Camino:
(They say they have a new and improved trailer, but I like this one more.)
After that, I became excited again.
When looking down that lonely road what I’ll really be looking at are my fears, mostly my fear of death. Pilgrims have no choice but to rely on one another for support and strength. Being around people can make you feel courageous and strong. It’s your love and their love that cuts through fear.
My pot addled brain told me that by walking the Camino, I’m helping the world heal itself. By helping others along the way, by conquering my own demons, I’m adding to the bravery of others and in truth, I’m instilling bravery into the world. It’s humbling down to the point of facing the truth in that we all need each other.
I can say that I’m walking the Camino for myself all I want, but I can’t get away from the truth of it effecting the infinite energy body of our one human spirit. It’s unavoidable. Last night I came to this realization that no matter what I do, how solitary or secluded I keep to myself, or how much I give – the world will be effected either way.
Then I told myself not to question this new insight once my high wore off. There’s no logic to it, or words to describe it, but it was an unmistakable feeling of true reality. It was a feeling – taking place in the deepest part of me. If I were to try and break it down for my rational brain to accept, it won’t happen. It’s true. Leave it.
You have to trust these feelings as real and not argue.
I thought about Amy and how her perceptions seemed so real to her, but not real to the rest of the world. And it made me wonder if all this I’m feeling is only in my head. But then I realized it was her own fears coming to life. She was projecting them onto me. That’s why it’s extremely important to let go all fear – fear is absent of light, it’s evil all in itself. It’s seeing the world through fear-laden goggles. And you will never know what you’re afraid of until you become self-aware.
Honestly if you want to be humbled and forgiven, try facing your truest intentions. There you will find your fears (or desires). If you don’t know whether or not your intensions are honest, ask yourself if it’s the compassionate way, or merely your ego talking. Compassion is the road to sainthood, and saints change the world for the better!
So why do people not choose compassion? Because of their ego’s.
Ego’s keeps us in the “fun” zone.
When I was under Aya, she told me that the ego can be fun. But to keep in mind that it’s not real. It’s only a delusion, or illusion. Ego makes you feel like you’re in control and you can play the world like a game. She also said there are many games in the world to choose from, and they are all there as learning experiences.
I’m in work waiting for my last client. Einstein, the dog, just licked the inside of my mouth – how do dogs know the exact place where you don’t want to be licked?
Maybe the mouth is the most vulnerable place. That’s what makes it so sensual. Oh man, am I still high?
I’m using pot as a tool to acquire these insights (it stimulates the pineal gland which is the gateway into the spirit realm). But with pot, you have to cut through the boundaries of your ego whereas with ayahuasca, she detaches it with ease (unless you don’t surrender and trust). In my experience with smoking weed, you have no choice but to let go of everything – when you don’t let go, the babble in your brain goes into hyper drive.
I don’t see the point in smoking it with others who treat it as a recreational drug. The point of the experience will be lost if all you do is giggle and get silly. Not to mention it makes me unbelievably lazy. Before I smoke, I make sure everything is done for the day. That I’m fed, I have water next to me, sheets are washed, alarm clock set – everything must be done otherwise I’d forget, or fall asleep.
I’m getting acquainted and familiar with the feeling of being high and so I’m able to guide it into my higher state of being – of course my body and language center are tuned out during this time, giving pot its bad rep. Plus people abuse it. But it’s just another tool, another sacred herb to reach us in ways that our everyday brain can’t understand. We are so hard-wired and pattern-seeking survivalists that in order for us to get out of our patterns, we have to think differently.
Pot was calling to me for a reason, I knew it! But how deep will I go with this? How many layers and insights are there? Am I strong enough to hold it together?
There’s a reason why we are in the dark. People just aren’t ready. They’re not strong enough – hence the importance of evolving. The first step to evolving? Self actualization. Then there’s facing your fears, suffering, compassion, etc… and another layer of strength unfurls.
I learned all this on my own, but if you go on YouTube and listen to spiritual teachers for yourself, you’d see that this stuff is EVERYWHERE! It’s strange I never noticed it before. I’m 33 years old and I finally found my true religion. More like it found me.
I’m finding that spirituality is a religion. The truths are all congruent to the point where I can call it organized. But unlike with other religions, Spiritual believers don’t fight or cause wars. We don’t worship anything but ourselves. We bow our respects to Jesus, Moses and the like – because ALL religions have truth, they all teach the same insights. But they were organized and made solid by the fears of the parishioners. If they let go of those fears, trust and let in compassion, they will embody God. They would have no choice but to accept responsibility for their choices and the roads they had taken. And that alone can scare the SHIT out of everybody!
Complete control and complete responsibility for all actions and all that happens to you. Who wants to admit to their faults? No one! So they blame. They are free to live a life of denial so long as they can place blame. In a crazy way if you think long and hard about it, a fear based religion can do this. Anything that places judgement, anything that places another person as being “higher” or “right”, causes war and hatred.
Again, another day not knowing what to write about turned into be a beauty. My client will be here any minute so…..