Tag Archives: Thought

The Truth About Honesty

Lies

Lies (Photo credit: Gerard Stolk (vers l’Ascension ))

Hi I’m Melanie and I’m walking the path of awakening.  It ain’t easy.  It involves confronting my truest intensions and facing my deepest fears.  This is a process that I have to stay diligently aware of.  This can be done by reflecting on my actions.

When you embrace your dark side, you accept yourself AS IS.  To know your dark side, it transforms itself into light.  Love, acceptance and compassion for yourself arrises.  Any negative thoughts left-over should be processed and accepted – not fought.  The ego merges with the soul and it’s all done through self-compassion.

Layers of understanding start to unfold.  You can find the answers inside because you are part of the infinite.  When you’re ready for a new layer, it will be shown to you.  You feel a shift in perception and in seeing truth.  It may not always be the truth you were hoping for, but a truth that sets you free.  Know your hopes, and you know your fears.

Empty your beliefs to see truth – no one can tell you what’s true.  You have to get there on your own.  Memorizing the advice of Guru’s is not the way.

If you are unhappy with your life, you become stagnant.  Your soul becomes shrouded in a hard-shelled rigor mortis box.  Debris collects on your superficial surface to try and mask whats inside.  Your fears hold you back and your comfort zone becomes a crypt.

I feel at this time in my progression, the small negative thoughts are barely noticeable.  But I still have fear.  I fear my own limitations as a functioning adult.  I don’t have enough experience with being an adult, and so I fear it.  My fear holds me in my comfort zone of security. Tethering myself to video games, beer and my parents.

A new layer into my awakening is just around the corner.  I feel that the only way to break free from my parents is to be honest with them.  Any form of lying is in truth, a hidden fear in the liar.  The liar can not let go (or confront) something, and so must lie in order to protect it.  I’m protecting my comfort zone of being a non-adult.

I lie to myself by saying “it would kill them if they knew the truth.  It would hurt them…etc.”  It would hurt them because they also need to let go.  Letting go feels like dying.  Like a part of you is breaking off – a shard from your soul becomes tethered to another.  You can see where you’re tethered if you’re able to see your lies.

The lie protects the person lying, not the one being lied to.  There is no progress in lies, only anger, confusion and darkness.  When you’re working out negative thoughts, I’m certain there is a lie being told to yourself that you’re not seeing.  But guess what?  It doesn’t matter!  Once you see the lie, you come to find out that Holy Crap no, it truly does not matter.  It can then be released into the ether.

I can say with forthright conviction that everything I write here in my blog is the authentic truth of a girl piecing the pie together.  I lie to my parents, and I know it’s wrong in many ways, but I’m not there yet – but I’m close!  I get closer and closer to telling them the full truth and they are getting closer and closer to accepting it.  My mother today told me that she feels herself accepting my freedom to own my own life.  It has to happen at her own pace, and I keep pushing her forward.

My parents know everything I’m doing in Spain except for the fact I’m doing it alone.  They also don’t know about the peyote ceremony.  They’re just not ready, and neither am I.

How odd it is to see all this happening.  My awakening is my therapist.  It’s different for everyone, but this is my personal journey with it.  The familiarity of these insights are all congruent with others walking the path.

Everyone’s running from something.  This world is shaped by fear, people are fundamentally shaped by fear.  I want to embrace it (within reason).  I want to confront it.

Every emotion we have, every thought we make, is a choice.  I choose my suffering – I don’t hide from it.  I’m not running anymore.  And from where I’m standing, my strength outweighs my fear and my love for myself makes me shine through any heartache.

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Activating People into Awareness

I woke up today feeling absolutely amazing – I mean happy, not healthy.  I’m still under the weather.  But I keep having awesome dreams about prosperity.

Last night before lights out, I was watching a documentary about mammals.  It was profound.  Just the way us mammals evolve.  Predators evolve to out-smart / out-run their prey, and their prey evolves to out-smart / out-run their predator.  It’s the great almighty rock tumbler that shapes us into our higher, stronger selves.

During mating season, all the males coral into the center of the flock, marking their territory, holding their ground, while the females peruse which males they like best.  While all the weaker males on the fringes get attacked by predators.  The process both weeds out the weak, but also has the opportunity to strengthen them.  It’s perfect harmony – all harmonizing to the beat of evolution.

Evolution never ceases to amaze me!

I feel that we are at a new stage in our evolution.  A kind of evolution that isn’t based on environment or global changes.  It’s an evolution in consciousness – we are so aware of ourselves, aware of how the environment and circumstances can shape us – so aware of the process that we are able to leap out of it for the first time in history.

There are no “bad guys.”  People who attack others are the ones still living in that animal kingdom of survival.  They’re a necessary evil for evolution.  But now things are shifting.  Compassion is weighing more than revenge.  Justice is prevailing over hatred and apathy.

Lose all hate and gain awareness.  That’s all there is to it.  If you choose to join in the action, it’s like going back into the game.  Playing a game that best suits you until you gain that next evolutionary leap – but the game itself does not matter.  It doesn’t matter if you win or lose – it’s a means to an end.  Anything in-between is all a delusion of ego.

The world we live in is a direct construct of what’s in our conscious minds.  If we all gain awareness, there will be peace – but are we ready for that?

It’s so easy to talk like this now that I made peace with the Melanie Haters (don’t like that term anymore).  I’m not a contradiction to anything I write.  It’s true freedom and true forgiveness.  It’s all so simple – really simple!  How can people not see it?  If the Haters are not at peace, it’s all within themselves and has nothing to do with me.   I am outside looking in – no longer in it – no longer affected.

I’ll tell you why they can’t see it.  It’s hard to put it in words because it’s still so young in my guts – in my feelings.

We can’t escape one an others realities.  We get sucked in.  It’s because of the conscious energy that shapes our world – we shape it unknowingly.  And on a smaller scale, we shape each other unknowingly.  Just with our thoughts!  Our judgements, beliefs, accusations – it becomes REAL.

That’s why it’s so important not to judge / blame people – we feed into that hatred or war.  Everyone’s at their own level of progression – you must respect their progress (this was a heavy insight told to me by ayahuasca).

Guru’s will tell you this stuff and everyone’s like, “yeah yeah we know….”, but to actually understand and see it!  People can’t understand it yet.  They’re still caught in the game, the delusion.  Caught in that mass conscious energy that they’re not aware of.

Sheeeit yo….

Anyway, when I was in my early 20’s, I became aware of how other people’s energies effected my own.  If they saw something in me (can not be put into words, but felt), I felt what they saw  – I truly felt it.  If they thought I was cute, my cuteness would shine.  If they thought I was funny, I became a laugh riot.  I became what people believed about me.

I turned this over and over in my head.

“How can I still be that person without the help of others to see it in me first?  What if they start seeing something bad that isn’t true?”

It’s about strength, belief and self-actualization.

People inevitably activate certain characteristics in others.  Everyone’s multi-faceted, highly complicated personalities having depth and emotion.  If you’re around someone goofy, and if they also see the goofiness in you – you will in turn act goofy.  Even if you’re depressed as shit, it won’t matter.  It won’t matter because someone saw something in you that wasn’t depression – it was fun and laughter.

You become who you hang out with.

I learned this at a young age – possibly in high school.  And when I turned 21, I realized I could easily use this insight to manipulate people however I wanted.  I actually had this discussion with that girl I was in love with when I was 21 and she said to me, “That’s not you.  You don’t want to use people.”

And her words to this day, put that question out of my head.  No, of course that’s not me.

How simple life is when you know who you are.

How simple life is once you learn the formula’s.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that everyone has the capacity to activate beliefs in others.  If you see something in a person, just by you seeing it (it doesn’t need to be verbal or communicated in any way), your conscious energy is a trigger that pulls on their hidden facet.  And the more people you have believing in you, the easier it is to be shaped by that belief and make it stick.  It can make you feel powerful, or can make you feel weak.

Just remember that strength is beauty in both the animal kingdom and in the spiritual kingdom.  If you’re going to evolve, do it right – be brilliant at it!

Goddamn I feel wonderful today.  Super sick, but super happy.  I feel the potential in me swelling up and expanding my ribcage.  There’s not enough of me to go around, and I can’t be contained any longer.  I feel large and inside I feel rock solid.  I want to share myself with others.

This is all part of my solitude cycle.  I always do this.  I figure shit out by being alone with myself and as I do this, it’s like revving up my engine.  Maybe at first I need to repair my engine, but then once I get her started, the old girl rev’s and heats up and bucks around like a wild horse on a lasso.

My thoughts keep me tethered.  And when my thoughts aren’t tethering me, my body is.  There’s not enough of me for everyone everyday.  There’s not enough of me for ME.

I get worn out so easily it seems.  People wear me out because they are like friction – not compatible with myself.  They are the velcro that sticks to me when all I want is for them to be on the same side of fury.  Fury, not hookie.

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The Foundation of Creative Thinking Part 3: Maslow

Physicists are coming to realize that this world is a hologram built upon tiny sporadic influxes in an infinite sea of potential possibilities.  And our minds play a huge role in manifesting our thoughts into reality.  It is however, a group effort.  We are all but one being of conscious energy working together to create the world around us.

Do you know what this means in regards to our creativity?  Limitless potential!

An American pastor named Robert Schuller once posed the question: “What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”

Take your time and understand that quote because its truth is deeply embedded in the gossamer strands that entangle you with the infinite.  YOU are special.  YOU have gifts.  Natural talent is both equal to and the same as natural passion.  There is nothing in this world you should fear – not even death.  YOU are loved.  YOU embody strength.  All you need to do is find your awareness – your self awareness.  And believe.  All you have to do is believe in yourself.  The real question is, do you really want to?  Or do you not have time for that nonsense?

maslow's pyramid

Many people know about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  I agree with it, how can I not?  It seems straightforward enough.  But if it were my pyramid, I’d replace the need of Love/Belonging with Appreciation, Gratitude and Compassion for others.  Then I’d replace the Esteem section with Love, Compassion and Acceptance of yourself.  The tippity top would include all that other stuff he lists, but he left out the most important component –  complete and unfailing belief in yourself.

His Love/Belonging and Esteem layers tells us that we need others for validation.  Having this belief will make you dependent on external sources and therefore cripple the understanding that you are in fact an already perfectly whole person.

The middle parts are where people get tripped up.  If you stay dependent on external sources, you will find yourself digging for power, for control – manipulating others for approval.  You enter into a lifelong game of struggle to stay on top.

But nothing will fill you up as well as you can fill yourself.  And this is where solitude comes in.  Know thyself and know that only YOU can fix YOU – although you’re already perfect just as you are.

I had my watercolor class tonight.  I love this class – I love the lady’s in the class.  They are so freaking adorable that I want to cry just watching and listening to them.  They set up their little paint set with their brushes and expensive Aqvarelle Arches paper that the instructor insisted we buy.  They do their very best in attempting to paint as the teacher gives instructions.

We are all there trying to create art and learn.  It’s really a beautiful thing to behold – not the paintings themselves, but the women’s efforts are what make it beautiful.  Their quirks bring out the compassion in me.  I want to cradle them in my arms and say “Hey now you can do this.  Don’t worry about messing up, you can do this!”

The woman sitting next to me takes criticism very hard.  I feel her energy, so I know.  She’s trying to get better by laughing it off – she laughs at herself and started accepting that her work is no good, and can therefore be more accepting of criticism (but accepting and reception are not the same).  The fact that I can feel this happening all within her kind of freaks me out.

The woman sitting behind me is a sweetheart.  She loves everyone and wants to make everyone feel good.  But I also feel her energy – it calls out to me saying that she’s not as good or as talented as everyone else.  And the more crappy she feels about herself, the more she wants to make others feel wonderful.

I can see people plainly.  I intuit things and feel them.  It’s all emotion, all imagery without words to hold any of it down.  And it’s only through imagery and emotions where you start to believe in your potential – don’t try, Do.  Don’t act, Be.  See it, Paint it.

Writing about how to unlock your creativity is hard to do since the way into it is not through logic and reason.  There are no words for it.  It’s the part in you that doesn’t know language.

Think about it for a minute.  Can you tell yourself to believe in yourself?  No!  You have to actually embody it, you have to feel it.  Do you see what I’m saying?  Words have no power over what you truly feel or believe.  It’s like painting with water having no pigment.  You write with invisible ink.  If there is no belief behind your words, they are meaningless.

But then again once you know this, are you too scared to use it?  If you are, then you don’t believe in yourself.

Let go man, it’s simple.

For your exercise tonight I want you to think of something you want to do, but are too afraid to try.  You’re afraid of failing, being hurt or being judged, afraid of embarrassing yourself.  For me personally, one thing I’m afraid of doing is going to an auto dealership and test driving the car of my dreams.  I don’t want to do it because I’m a poor girl, a loser who still lives at home with her parents.  The salesman would see right through me and not give me the time of day, feeling like I’m wasting his time.

The thing with manifesting your reality is that you have to believe you already acquired all of that you wish for.  You have to act the part accordingly, exuding confidence and knowing.  If I believe I’m a person deserving enough to attend an open house mansion, or take a $200,000 car out for a test drive, then no other reality exists.  The universe will comply.  Your beliefs will bring all this into fruition – but you have to be diligent in fighting back those naysaying thoughts (and people).

Really look deep for those hang ups.  The one’s that seem to be the most “common sense” notions are the most powerful and very hard to release.  Remember that you have to feel it, not just say it, but feel it.

YOU are deserving!  You matter in the world.  If that salesman won’t humor me with a test run, that’s his own shit, not mine.  Don’t become the beliefs of what others think you are.

Think Maslow, think self-actualization.  Keep these thoughts steadfast through-out the day and don’t slack off because if you do, you’ll fall back into the dough of circumstance.

And now for your enjoyment, here’s what I painted in class today:

watercolor beach

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The Foundation of Creative Thinking Part 2

In my last post I wrote in a round-about way that you should let go of any unnecessary thinking and be mindful of your habits.  This has to be done in order for you to discover your true depth.  And in order for you to find your depth (path), you must listen to your heart – your emotional intelligence.

I love my solitude so much because I long for some deeper meaning in life.  I never knew this about myself.  I craved solitude not for privacy, not to hide away from the world, but to discover what’s hidden in my heart.  When I’m around others, they take my heart, take my attention and corral my daydreams into believing they are wasted time.

Once I believe that my daydreams are a waste, I slip into addictions to sustain my well being.

I label these addictions as the things that don’t nourish or feed my soul.  Addictions hold me in a place where there’s a false sense of security.  They are devolutionary and not mindful. You have no control over your well being while it is being held by outside influences.  Those outside influences put distance between you and your true passions.

I go in and out of solitude.  When I don’t want to think, I hang out with friends.  I drink beer so I can easily slide into their company and transition myself into the dough of drifting.  When I crave solitude, I distract myself with books, games, or getting sucked into the bottomless (inter)web.  I distracted myself because I never knew what my solitude wanted from me.  I never knew until now.

The reason why I love being alone with my thoughts is because my dreams are not yet realized.  And it really is that simple.

The heart is not rational, it’s not literate in any language.  It speaks to you only using images and emotions.  You can’t teach yourself to get better at anything if your heart does not follow.  By feeding your heart emotionally packed images, it will proudly respond back in ways to help you further your journey (or destroy it).

This is why myths stick to us for thousands of years.  This is why they are seared into the flesh of our souls.   Myths use imagery and emotion as a key to our subconscious.  If the bible was written plainly as a “How To” manual, it wouldn’t have sold so many copies, and it wouldn’t be as remembered as it is today.  We respond and learn best when the whole brain is involved, not just the rational thinking parts, but the right hemisphere as well.  Unlocking your creativity is a whole brain process.

I’m not a believer in natural talent.  I believe in natural passion.  It’s only when we utilize raw emotion and passion to propel ourselves to that visualized outcome, do we reach the heights of creative genius.  And anyone can do this!

The first step (as vaguely stated in my last post), you have to quell the babble of your thinking mind.  Drop everything, just stop thinking and start feeling.  Let yourself daydream.  Let yourself feel things without having to analyze everything.  No matter how bad, or how good your thoughts make you feel, let them pass through you like a hollow reed.  If you don’t let them pass, you will be stuck in a place much like addictions hold you in place.

A pilgrim sets out on a solo journey completely unaware that he is really trying to escape the minds babble and find transcendence, his true purpose, his true passion.  It is a journey unwittingly taken to find your creative self, your true self.

Being able to think creatively, to me, is finely interloped with awareness – your souls blueprint.  It puts you in-line with creation, it puts you in-line with God.

I’ll write Part 3 as soon as it is unfolded to me.

I’m trying to keep these posts short because if I explain every little detail, it gets boring to read.  Use your imagination!

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The Foundation of Creative Thinking Part One

For the past two days now, I’ve been going to sleep at 4 am.  Not because of insomnia, but because I’m manic in reading and watching internet stuff.  I can’t stop myself from doing it.  I get this tunnel type vision of focus where I stop being rational.  I just keep searching and searching, but nothing comes of it.  Except for last night.  For the first time after writing it, I re-read my “I’m Teething” post.  It was such a long ramble of nonsense, and while reading it I was thinking to myself, “this is all bullshit, what was I thinking?”

Clients put me in a weird mood.  They’re all so nice, and they all love me.  Some go so far as to actually praise me, calling me a healer and what-not.  Some seek guidance and comfort, and the little bit of knowledge that I do have, I share with them.  To be constantly bombarded with appreciation and gratitude from others can really put me in that manic tunnel vision mode.  A  mode no different from the state of mind I was in last night while staying up reading articles on the net till 4 am.  It’s no different from writing rediculously long posts where most of what I write is wishful thinking – but at the time felt real because of that tunnel vision.

My watercolor teacher says that when you paint, you should know exactly what you want, know exactly what you’re going for.  Otherwise you will teach yourself bad technique by using the same style over and over again.  It’s not mindful.  It’s a sloppy learned behavior.

This is an area of my life that needs improvement.  I need to let go.  It’s all ego, it’s all fear.  I’m not trusting life and instead I control my fear with explanations.  But all the explanations are too much physical brain thinking and not enough of the emotional side.  Part of unlocking your creativity involves letting go of that thinking part, and seeing the visual, emotional parts.  Accepting them and not trying to control them.

Using your thoughts to make sense of the world, is like holding yourself together with plastic zip-ties.  It’s the emotional, subconscious side that is the root.

And once you let that part take the wheel, your vision becomes crisper, technique mindful, and whatever artful activity you partake in, will show your true self, not just the self that your sloppy habits created, but your mindful self.

This is part of creating and imagining.

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Melanie’s all over the place today. In today’s entry: Why People are compelled to get married, being enlightened, and the meaning behind Bob Marley’s song lyrics.

My face feels hot and I’m headachy and tired.  I’ve had insomnia for two days now.  I can’t sleep for two reasons, 1) I’m no longer going out getting shit faced and 2) I’m excited for my trip.

I’m in “work” waiting for my next client.

I looked up video’s about the Camino on YouTube and for some reason the exorcism of Annaliese Michel popped up among the Camino video’s.  And so I clicked on it – how could I not?  Then I clicked on a weird baby sliding around on a kitchen floor, clicked on a fat lady who had 3 demons in her stomach.  And after the fat lady, I clicked on the sounds of hell recorded from a 9 mile deep hole in Siberia.   YouTube is scary.  Why do I always end up in the scary part of YouTube?

Finally I got to the Camino video’s and watched.  So much walking!  The people in the video’s were all so happy, radiating smiles and hospitality.  Singular travelers both men, women, boys and girls, partnered up to continue their journeys together.

I’m an affable gal, that’s one thing I’m sure of.  I can make friends with a drop of a hat.  It doesn’t matter who you are or how crabby – you’d still want to be around me (always!).  I don’t know why this is.  I have no idea actually.  I’m so shy, but at the same time, so likable.  Being lonely on this trip has never entered my mind.

The thing is, I want to do it alone.  I feel like I need to, or that I’m supposed to rather.

Since I let my emotional abusive friend end the friendship, it has freed up so much of my time that now I get to focus on myself and learn exactly who I am and what I can/should be doing.  I have no attachments to anything, no distractions.

When I let go of my friend, I let go of everyone, not just her.  My emotional bind to people had been cut.  I was free from it all and just as I suspected, slid back into enlightenment and peeled back another layer of awareness.  I detached myself from the emotional dough of people.  The same emotions that manipulate and steady my focus to places I’m not consciously directing myself.  It’s hard writing about this stuff because nobody will understand me, or believe me even.

I don’t believe that a person can remain in the enlightened state for long.  We are too connected to this world physically that no one has the power to sustain it.  Words are part of this world, our five senses are too, along with emotions and thought.  All physical and organic biological substances.

We are not our thoughts.  Our thoughts arise out of the left hemisphere of our brain – they are an organic byproduct of our physical brain and nothing more.  Our brain is separate from the soul.

Thoughts spur emotions.  Chemical responses that feed our thoughts and make them deeply felt.  We are not our emotions.  Emotions are hormones and chemicals that are also a byproduct of the organic brain.  Meditation helps quell the babble of the left hemisphere so we can become more aware – to think and connect differently.  With meditation there are no thoughts, only a clandestine understanding of who we are.  Meditating on this very moment can ebb the babble.  Focusing on the here and now – nothing else matters.

When I was under the influence of ayahuasca, I asked her “what is love?”  She never responded.  She never responded because I still understood it at the physical level, the mental and emotional aspect of it.

This time while I was enlightened, after letting my friend go along with all the others, I asked the question again.  “What is love?”

“Compassion is love.”

I was in work waiting for my first client.  That’s when all this happened.  It started with our daily texting escapades.  It was hard to let one hour go by without texting each other.

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This happened nearly everyday.  She would make up at least one reason to end our friendship – sometimes it happened more than once a day.  On this particular day, it happened twice before 11am.

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(She doesn’t read my blog anymore so I can get away with this.  But still, I might die.  You never know.)

I’m not going to post pics of all the texts, it would take forever.  I bet reading it from an outsiders view makes it all look childish.  And it WAS childish.  I was sucked into her warped world by defending myself day in day out.  Trying to explain myself was like adding fuel to the burn, the cycle of manipulation that held my strings.

I became enlightened before my first client of the day, and remained enlightened after the massage and for the next hour.  I was hungover tired, so I turned off the bright lights, lit my ambiance lamps, lit some candles, turned on my table warmer and laid down on the massage table.  It was heaven laying there.  I wanted it to last for the rest of the day.

“Wow so this is what clients feel when they lay on my table?  No wonder they keep coming back!  I don’t even need to touch them.”

The enlightened state of mind made the world seem like a dream.  My head felt light as if drugged.  My physical body felt as it did after consuming ayahuasca – but without the sickness.  My surroundings were swishy, my head weaved side to side.  You don’t have to believe me, but it’s true.  These were my physical symptoms of enlightenment.  It could be different for everyone, who knows.

After learning that love is compassion, I went deeper.  I wanted to know why people couple up and get married because at that moment, I felt whole.  I had no desire in finding that “special” someone.  I had no desire to be in that emotional weighted dough that drags on our souls.  I was out.  And I felt free.   So why then, do people get married?

The response to this question was powerful.  So powerfully felt and understood that it was unmistakable.  And I didn’t like what I was being told.  I didn’t like the answer to why people form relationships.  Enlightenment taught me that it’s the product of three things:  Fear, need and lust.

I’m a sucker for love.  I love romantic movies, love songs, the feelings of euphoria.  I’m looking forward to the day when I will be “rescued” and have my happy ever after.

“No, no it can’t be.  It can’t be everyone.  Not every relationship is like this.”

It’s everyone.  Well, at least for 90% of them it is.

Then the enlightenment went a step further and explained why.

Fear:  Fear of being alone and fear of death.

I didn’t understand how the fear of death relates to relationships.  And because I didn’t understand, I was shown.  The visualization happened rapidly and vividly.  I had no control over what I was seeing.  I saw myself aging rapidly, then I became a corpse that was also deteriorating rapidly.  I was hit with sheer panic of knowing that someday I will die.  I WILL die.  I was stricken with panic and terror.  Not only terror, but of loneliness.  I wanted to grab hold of someone, anyone.  I didn’t want to do it alone, and I didn’t want my life to end without having purpose or meaning.  A person would bring it meaning.  A person could save me from death.

It makes me think of the red ants that live under ground in rain forests.  When flash floods happen, the ants only way for surviving is by clinging to each other.  They form a life raft and float on the water.  They would sink by themselves.  They need at least one other ant to hold them up.

It’s instinctive to hold onto life – hold onto somebody to save you.

Need:  Everyone’s needs are different.  But mostly everyone feels like a whole person when they are partnered up with someone.  People can marry for ego, having a trophy wife or husband.  Some marry for money, security, a sense of well-being and being taken care of.  They have babies to secure the relationship and bring meaning into their lives – to have something to love and protect.  Some marry to fulfill their narcissistic need for gaining love and admiration.

Having a mate can satisfy emotional and primal needs.  It forms a completion of self.  Without that other person, your world falls apart.  You fall apart.

Some people get married simply because they’re supposed to or because it’s natural and expected.  In many countries people get married and have kids simply for the security of being taken care of when they get old and feeble.

Some of these needs make sense, but they are driven by fear.  Fear is what breaks the feeling of completeness – the circle of awareness breaks and must be replaced.  They replace it with a person who can supposedly “save” them.  They cling to strength – a person who is stronger than they are.  Or cling to an equal – to team up and navigate life together.  Or cling to a weaker individual as a source of feeling needed, powerful and in control.

If a person is not whole on their own, they thirst for a companion, a counterpart.  The void gets filled and they no longer have to face the existential reasons of existence.

Lust:  People lust with their eyes and not with their hearts.  The eyes like what they see and they want a piece.  They want a piece of the candy.  It’s like viewing a beautiful masterpiece and wanting to take it home to hang between your legs.

To lust without love is selfish.  It’s taking or giving without mindfulness or understanding.  It’s not a soul connection, but a body connection.  The lust becomes a need, a desire.  And the lust also becomes fear – fear of losing that which you desire most.  Lust ties everything up nicely to make these three components vital ingredients for the euphoria of being in love.  And it can make you unconditionally blind.  You can lose yourself and your awareness.  You can lose your sense of self and of doing whats right or necessary for yourself and for others.

But then there’s the feeling of fate.  When you meet someone and intuitively know you were destined to meet.  You know that somehow they will be in your life.

Everyone is placed in our lives for a reason.  Some radiating a stronger purpose than others.  Now, take that feeling of fate coupled with the euphoria of being in love, it’s something that is far too intense to ignore.  It’s kismet, it’s love and it’s the happy ending you’ve been waited for.  It’s the happy ending you deserve.

Being in love doesn’t apply to the spirit world.  Not the love nor the hurt that stems from it.  Once you’re out of body, you are truly free (unless you end up in a hell world, then you’re pretty much screwed).

Marriage is good in the way of teaching transcendence.  The marriage will only work if you’re able to put your primal needs aside, and have compassion for your spouse at all costs otherwise it will take your sanity.  The weight of fighting off addictive primal emotions will crush you.  Transcending human need/fear is the only way.  Lust, need and fear will no longer be an issue.  You don’t need your spouse, but love them.  And you want them to be happy.  Their happiness is all that matters to you.  Hopefully by that point, both spouses still have their wits and have not spiraled into madness.  If one of them goes crazy, it’s hard to undo crazy.

The love you have for a pet, that is compassionate love.  The love you have for your family, your kids, an old lady hobbling down the street with her arms full of groceries, the bald leukemia kids you don’t want to see when you turn on the tv – that’s all compassion.  That’s real love.  It’s love without need or desire – just pure soul.  Pure heart.  It’s like Bob Marley says, One Love, One Heart.  Bob Marley was an enlightened individual who knew truth.

There aren’t different kinds of love, there is only one real love.  Bob knew that.

Person #1 – “Have you ever been in love?”

Person #2 – “No but I have lots of love to give.  I know what love is.”

Person #1 – “Who have you loved?”

Person #2 – “My nieces and nephews.  They taught me what it feels like to really love someone.”

Person #1 – “I love my boyfriend, but not in that way.”

Person #2 – “Why not?  There is only one way.  One love.”

All else is need, lust and fear.  An incompleteness of self.

I’m not saying I don’t believe in romantic love, only that it’s dangerous to need and depend on anyone.  You should never feel that you have to, or that you’re obligated.  No one can ever complete you and you should never put that on anyones shoulders.  No one should put that on your shoulders either.

I would like to believe in soul mates, but most of us don’t end up with them.  We have too much baggage, too much learning to do before we are able to meet them.  We’re not polished enough to slide into happiness and comfort because if we did, we wouldn’t appreciate it as much.

And as for me, I chose the single life simply for the reason of not wanting to depend on anyone.  I’ve stayed single this long because I didn’t feel like a whole person yet – I didn’t want my void to be filled with a person, but to find the transcendence on my own to avoid future suffering from divorce, or a stifling marriage that holds back my journey and my real purpose.

This time in my life, for the very  first time, I’m absolutely free.  It’s exhilarating and liberating.  Opportunities are endless, I see endless inspiration from all creative endeavors I encounter.  Whether it be a simple sentence, a persons face….It’s everywhere I turn.  Beauty and art is everywhere and in everyone.

After years of going out socializing, being in the thick of things, the emotional dough of fun and tears, I’m out.  I’m out and I want to take a sabbatical from it all.  I want to spend this time with myself and witness my dreams come true.  They will never come true if I spend all my time with a controlling person, or crying over the shit show of 2012, dulling my pain with pint after pint, no.  To do so would be a delusion – the illusions that emotions play – they are not real.  None of that stuff matters, it never mattered.  Letting myself get bullied, controlled, resented, hurt, blamed, betrayed, forgotten – none of it is real, it was never real.  It’s the base level of spirituality.  It’s being at the same emotional level that feeds the offense.  And from an outsiders perspective, it IS childish!

I know as I write this, nobody’s going to believe any of it.  But hey, maybe someday you will.  You’ll get there yourself.

As of now, I have put my old friends on the back burner while I played the game of emotional punching bag.  I fooled myself into thinking everything was peachy.  But from my new standpoint, I don’t want to go back in.  Those people are so adversely different from me.  The way they think, how they act, what drives and motivates them, their callousness, their inability to see what I see…

People call me wanting to hang out.  My phone remains on silent.  Even my adorable peruvian genius client wants to get together, but that will be like going back into the mix.  I don’t think I’m ready for that.  When and if I do go back, it won’t be the same.  I’m not the same person anymore.  The only one driving me is myself.

Anyway, I originally wanted to write about the Camino and if I should partner up with others on the journey, or remain a lone traveler.  That was the original intention of the post, but all this other gunk came out.

I decided that if I’m meant to meet people, I should let it happen.  If it’s meant to be a lone journey, I should roll with it and surrender.  Don’t fight anything and let the universe take care and guide me.

I have to go back to that Bob Marley song…

The guy was truly enlightened!  I hear it in his music.  His songs resonate with me.  I’ll decipher the meanings for you.  I’ll highlight them in red.

One Love! One Heart!

Let’s get together and feel all right.

We all possess and experience the same love.

Hear the children cryin’ (One Love!); 

Hear the children cryin’ (One Heart!),

This exposes the one love that is compassion.  To “hear the children cryin'” brings out compassion.

Sayin’: give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Sayin’: let’s get together and feel all right. Wo wo-wo wo-wo!

Giving thanks to the Lord in the Rastafarian sense is to offer the sacred herb, canibis, by smoking it.

And by doing so, it will make you feel all right.  Wo wo wo – wo.

Let them all pass all their dirty remarks (One Love!);

He doesn’t judge or get angry at the Haters.  Dirty remarks can’t harm him.  He’s above it because he feels compassion for them (One Love!).

There is one question I’d really love to ask (One Heart!):
Is there a place for the hopeless sinner,
Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own beliefs?

This completely hits home with me!  I wrote about it before.  People don’t want to give up their beliefs, and by not giving up,  they go way too far to preserve them and prove to everyone they are right.

One Love! What about the one heart? One Heart!
What about – ? Let’s get together and feel all right

He’s pleading with those stubborn people to go towards the light of compassion.

As it was in the beginning (One Love!);
So shall it be in the end (One Heart!),
All right!

Basically to me this means God created man.  We sprang from compassion and love.  God created man and man created the devil.  The only evil in the world is that of our own fear and ignorance.

Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Let’s get together and feel all right.
One more thing!

Let’s smoke it up and feel all right.

Let’s get together to fight this Holy Armagiddyon (One Love!),
So when the Man comes there will be no, no doom (One Song!).
Have pity on those whose chances grows t’inner;
There ain’t no hiding place from the Father of Creation.

Holy Armagiddyon is upon us and will wipe out all the sinners.  Bob is giving the message that we have the power to stop this.  We stop it with love and forgiveness.

And if the sinners continue to sin, we need to take pity on their souls because they have nowhere to run.

Sayin’: One Love! What about the One Heart? (One Heart!)
What about the – ? Let’s get together and feel all right.
I’m pleadin’ to mankind! (One Love!);
Oh, Lord! (One Heart) Wo-ooh!

Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Let’s get together and feel all right.
Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right;
Let’s get together and feel all right.

The thing with Bob Marley is that he brought out the best in people, and the worst in people.  He wanted everyone to know themselves and what monstrosities they are capable of.  He purposely never wrote a will or allocated his belongings after learning his cancer was terminal.  He wanted his friends and family to face their own demons of possession and greed.  At least, that’s according to the Bob Marley biography on Netflix.

Wow my last client was a bitch!  This hardly ever happens.  Ugh.  Whatever dude..

Speaking of bitch, I’ve done a bad thing.  Not intentionally though I swear!

A while back I wrote about why and how I resigned from Massage Envy.  This involved a pic of the lead therapist.  I love that post, absolutely love it.  It’s hysterical and well written.  Everything in it is factual.  So anyway, I copied her profile pic off of FaceBook and stuck it here on my blog.  Little did I know that her name was attached to that photo.  File names are extremely sensitive to google searches, every SEO knows this.

Now I have people searching her name and sure enough, they’re directed here to my blog to read the full scale of what kind of woman she is.

I never meant for this to happen!  I went in and changed the file name, but I’m still getting hits off of her.  It’s a big world, there’s got to be more than one person out there with her name.  I pray she never googles herself.

Everything you do has consequences.  The universe works in the way of karma.  It’s not to keep things in balance, but to teach and guide you.  Nobody learns.  People need to meditate!

Did I do something wrong here?  Should I take into account my own callous actions?  I’m no great neutralizer, I’m not the karma God.  What gives me the right to sully her name all over the net?

Oh well too late….

I have to put my blog down for a while.  I ordered two new books on Amazon about the Camino that I need to read.  They should be coming today (yay!).  I also want to touch up on my Spanish.  I have a weird adaptation to languages, I can learn them in a jiffy (math however, I’m a complete dunderhead).  I still need to go to the bank to deposit my Camino money and book my flights and hotel and all that jazz.  Figure out what historic sites I want to see.  Basically, I have a lot of work ahead of me.

So farewell to you dear blog.  You’re amazing, never forget that!

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Malleable, Amicable Me

I had a long day yesterday.  I massaged five clients in a row, one of them being an obese unhygienic man.  As soon as I opened the door to the little massage room, his smell smacked my nose buds like a fist (or a bag of Starbucks coffee).  He had shorts on and was laying on top of the sheets forming no barrier between me and his smell.

I happily massage obese people all the time, however they usually don’t stink.  This guy smelt like old sweat.  The kind of sweat that is forgotten between the crevices of your butt cheeks.  Left unchecked, this sweat grows and adheres to the fibers of your skin and builds colony’s of stench rodents.

It exhausted me to no end.

After work I went straight to a fancy little restaurant in the Watchfactory plaza to meet Brie, Paul and Holly for a $50 dinner.  I don’t usually bat an eye when doling out cash for a good meal, but I’m thinking that maybe I should start budgeting better.  I want to move out of my parents house, but I’ll talk about that later.

I went to a toga party after dinner for my friend Caryl’s birthday.  I known Caryl since the seventh grade.  She just turned 32 and has pink hair – she’s awesome.

I drank quite a bit and went to another party after that.  I was so tired.  I was in a dreamy state and highly susceptible to suggestion when my friend Maureen called me wondering where I was and asked if I wanted to come over.

Let me tell you a little bit about my friendship with Maureen.  We met at the Aquaturf club ten years ago when I was 21 and she was 25.  We worked banquets together at a huge facility that employs hundreds of people.

I thought she was the coolest person I ever met.  She was beautiful and smart and everyone loved her and somehow she adopted me into her world of impenetrable coolness.  We became quick best friends, hung out everyday, and I felt that everyone wanted to be around us. I felt I was on the top tier of the social ladder – untouchable, funny, witty, in high demand.

She had this way of looking at me and knowing exactly what I was thinking.  I had other friends who also have this ability, but nothing as profound to her level.  Nobody knew me like she did.  And I mean NOBODY.  And when she looked at me, I knew she was looking at me even when my back was turned.

Anyway, I looked up to her and admired her and she would take me out and we’d get good and drunk together until one day it all just stopped and I never knew why.  I still don’t know why, actually.  I like to keep people.  I like to know they are a phone call away and I have them when I miss them, but some people just fade me out completely and it breaks my heart.

So last night she called me up out of the blue and told me all this stuff about how we are different from everybody else.  She said that her and I are the same and that everyone else are sociopaths.  Sociopaths!  When she said this I felt it was completely true and explained a lot.  Or maybe I was being too empathetic and letting her project her emotions onto me.  I mean I REALLY felt it – every word.

“Nobody care’s about you, they only care about themselves.  But I care about you.  I know you.  We are the same.”

It broke my world in two.

Me – “You just pissed on my candyland.  You poured acid rain on my sugar-coated fairy land.”

Mo – “Sorry to do that to you, but you’re 30 now and need to learn this.”

It depressed the hell out of me.  I mean here is a girl that I was practically in love with, who admitted that she know’s me like no other person can ever know me and telling me that everyone is a sociopath and have total disregard for my feelings.  It all felt so true.  It seems like people really DO have total disregard for my feelings and I’m truly alone in this wretched world to only find happiness in the occasional laugh and the swimmy thoughts of alcohol induced comfort.

We talked on the phone until close to 4 in the morning.  I’m still a little shaken.

It got me thinking though.

I started thinking about all the great works of art in the world.  All the great novelists out there who can capture an emotion and paste it up and bring it to light and make us all feel better and not alone with our dark, lonely thoughts.

I thought about all the great artists who create beautiful works on their talent.  For people to create such beauty, how can people be devoid of love and hope?

I thought of classic movie’s, opera’s, plays and music that moved emotions in me to the point of tears.

Such beauty, togetherness, connectedness and love everywhere – how can everyone be sociopaths when there’s so much beauty in the world?

Then I thought about all the time’s other’s have hurt me, even the most miniscule types of hurts.  Those small fly by comments made by close friends that hit my heart like a sack of bricks (or two bags of Starbucks coffee).  Things said so flippantly, yet so erroneous and damaging.  These small hurts have nothing to do with me, it has to do with the person saying them.  These people are hurt in some small way and it might be my fault they are hurt, but I don’t realize that – I don’t know how or why.

We are all damaged.  Our brains work by damaging it – deconstructing and reconstructing over and over, never to be perfect.  Nothing is ever perfect.  Down to the quantum mechanics of space there exists quantum foam of complete chaos.  Even time itself isn’t perfect.  If you keep zooming in on time, you will find small  quantum wormholes popping in and out of existence – traversing time and space (according to Steven Hawking).

Beauty can be found in our imperfections.  Harmony is found in our imperfections, somehow is works.

So, I have deconstructed and managed to construct myself all over again.  That’s what I did today.

I’m thinking about why people aren’t honest and why they’re too afraid to just let spill everything in them and I think maybe they’re scared to be hurt.  If people knew the truth, I mean the WHOLE truth, they would learn what hurts others and use it to push their buttons or steal their thunder.  At least that’s why I’m so guarded…..

Of course all this is a needless hyperbolic rant and probably means nothing to anybody in the grand scheme of things.  Thinking this way brings with it a belief that maybe everyone really is sociopathic.  I mean, how can I write all this and it means nothing to everyone?

This is a self-delusional neurotic thought.  And I see that plain as day.  It’s such a contrast in perspective.  It reminds me of that old lady illusion.

I’m sure lot’s of people share my thought’s, but maybe they’re not written down or organized.  What I share with the world already exists in the world with or without me.  I’m just a regular girl amongst many.

Maureen certainly rattled my cage, but in a good way.  If she didn’t, I would never have written this post!  She’s still super cool in my book.

But anyways, this is me; bored, tired, confused Melanie trying to seek ways to arouse my spirit instead of doing drugs or partying till my pants fall down.

Thanks for the listen!

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Filed under All about me, journal, random thoughts, rant, Self help

Conscious thought and the power of self awareness

"Gathering the Light" from the Taois...

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“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

– Albert Einstein

Before I go to bed most nights, I ask myself a question. It sounds silly, but I always find the answer to the question the next day.

My last question I asked was, “what is meditation?” I read books on the subject, taken yoga, went through massage school without ever really grasping the point of it.  My teacher’s would tell me to be aware of the thoughts floating in my mind, then let them go. That is meditation.  The coming and going of thought.

Their explanations left me disappointed. I knew there was something more to it, and so last week I asked it as my bedtime question in hopes that my subconscious will find the answer.

However, it might not be my subconscious finding the answers, it might be something bigger.

I believe in this thing called “Global Consciousness.” It’s when people in your immediate surrounding (or as much as the whole world) share the same thoughts, emotions, and experiences as you do – it creates a psychic bridge between people, where their thoughts become your thoughts. Their knowledge becomes your knowledge.

Many inventions happen at the same time because of this, also senseless mass hysteria can happen, insane mob mentality, and why funny movie’s are funnier when you’re in a room with a bunch of people laughing.  Shared experience permeates the air and leaves a karmic imprint.

Anyway, I believe there exists outside of us, a vast array of knowledge of the past, present and future events and information living in juxtaposition alongside us. All we have to do is reach out and ask it specific questions.

“What is meditation?”

When I woke up the next day, I started thinking over my theory about effort – how the amount of effort you put into something is in perfect ratio with its rewards. “This is wrong,” I thought. You have to see the bigger picture. You have to be aware of what you’re doing. You have to be aware of yourself and your actions. You have to meditate on what you’re doing.

Meditation is finding self-awareness.

A good example of this can be seen in watching the first few rounds of contestants on American Idol. They put so much effort into what they’re doing, but they fail to hear themselves sing. They are not self-aware.

This reminds me of robots.  One reasson why robot’s can never be human is because they lack self-awareness.  Self awareness is in direct connection with what makes us human – what gives us soul.  Do the first few contestants on American Idol lack soul?  They’re lacking something it seems, just don’t know what.

I think teenagers go through a phase of self-awareness where they transform out of their little kid phase and into adulthood. They notice parts of themselves that are construed as being stupid, or childish.  And so they also judge others on their uncoolness or stupidness.

In meditation, you need to be aware of these thoughts, then let them go. Embrace them, then let them go. If you don’t let them go, you will be a grown adult still holding onto adolescent judgements and discriminations from your younger years.  Vanity and buying name brands come to mind.  Any type of shallow thought, if not let go, can hinder your ability at seeing things on a deeper, more meaningful level.  Holding onto learned judgements puts the ego in charge thus hindering your ability to make conscious choices (I’ll discuss that in a moment).

Anyway, what am I going to do with my knowledge about Self-awarness?….Hmmmm.  I can’t think of a damn thing.

I watched a Nova documentary about making choices.  There are two types of choices;  There is the “Ego’s choice” and then there’s the “Conscious choice.” The Ego’s choice stems from learned desires and conditioned thinking with very little free will involved. It’s not thinking creatively.

Then there is making a Conscious choice.

I wrote a while back that the hard thing to do is often the right thing to do. Like for instance, having good posture. We are naturally inclined to do things the easy way. It’s when you put in the effort and self-awareness to make conscious choices that impact your life for the better.

Think about it, God may have made us all equally lazy, but it’s the conscious people with their eyes open that lead brilliant lives and help the most people.  They know it takes a little extra effort, a little dash of soul, to do whats right for them and the world.

Those of us with our eyes still shut are just brilliant little lumps of unmolded clay – waiting expectantly for some light to be shone on us.  Being an unmolded lump doesn’t make us bad people.  I’m pretty lumpy and wouldn’t say I’m all that bad.

Want to know my lumpiness?  I’m still laying in bed at 4 p.m on a Tuesday. Is this a conscious choice to lay in bed at 4 p.m on a Tuesday?  I think so. Maybe. It’s certainly not the hard thing to do. I want to nap.

What I should be doing is starting a write-up for my new website and make paintings to sell on that website, but instead I’m laying in bed wanting to nap.

**********************************

A couple days ago I went to Sushi Sunday with some girlfriends I haven’t seen in a while. I drank one large and one small sake, then went to the bar with them afterwards. At the bar, I ran into people I used to work with at Stop and Shop 15 years ago.

Our relationship is unchanged. Our lives are basically unchanged….

One of the guys kept giving me pecks on the mouth. He had a crush on me when I was 16 working as a cashier.  I was 16 and I think he was 21 or 22.

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We drank a lot of beer, played some pool and then Kristina text me asking me if I wanted to go over to Dan’s for a campfire.  After asking her repeatedly if there was any alcohol there, we finished our pints and headed to Dan’s.  Sarah had to drive my car.  She picked up a cute 23 year old at the bar who was tailing behind us.

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I drank two vodka cocktails.  I was inebriated to the point of wanting to close my eyes and sleep in front of the fire.

I made it home somehow, ate Sarah’s left over hibachi dinner she forgot in the back seat of my car, and went to bed.

I woke up around 5 am feeling absolutely horrid.  My head was pounding like never before, I was cold and had to throw up.  I was desperately craving seltzer water, or club soda as I always do when hung over.

I laid in bed and didn’t move.  I laid there in misery for what seemed like at least an hour, maybe two.  I wanted to avoid throwing up because I hate hurling after eating – it’s gross.  I figured that if I put it off long enough, Sarah’s dinner would be almost all the way digested and the only thing that would come up is all the water I drank before going to bed.

Finally, I could no longer hold it off.  I was going to ralph, to retch, to toss the nasty cookies.  Sarah’s hibachi dinner wanted out.  I ran to the bathroom and stayed there for a while.  It wasn’t just water that came out of me.

When I was done, I went upstairs for some Advil, a tall glass of seltzer, a cold towel for my head and laid back down in my bed.  I felt better, but still sick.

I fell back to sleep and woke up at 2 pm, showered, dressed, and left the house to go give a massage to a man down the street at my other job who’s been coming to see me for the past four years.

I went home after the massage and played video games for hours and hours.  Yes, I am mighty lumpy indeed.

I still feel like crap.  I don’t know how alcoholics do it.

Here’s your moment of Zen.

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I’m an emotionless indigo girl

One of my friends yesterday told me that she thinks I’m an indigo child.  It’s probably one of the best compliments I ever gotten even though I don’t believe in it.

I read over the characteristics, and I fit some of the description, but I can see that anyone can fit the description if you look hard enough.

Some of the characteristics are:  Creativity, empathy, telepathy, curious and strong-willed.

The telepathy one is a little crazy and hard to cultivate, but I do have this odd ability to know what others are thinking at anytime.  Sometimes I feel their thoughts with my entire body, and other times I get a vision.  If they are thinking about a memory, I can sometimes see that memory in my mind.  The visions don’t happen a lot.

But still, it’s hard to believe that I’m special – anyone can be empathetic or creative if they want, some people just don’t want.

They also possess a strong sense of entitlement – that they deserve to be here.

We all deserve to be here, so it doesn’t make much sense to dwell on that.

Still, it was an awesome compliment and I appreciate it, but I think all children are special.

It is weird though, when I was a kid I always wanted to grow up and save the world, and that’s one of the characteristics – that these kids are on a mission to save the world.  It’s also a characteristic of a super hero, and who wouldn’t want to be a super hero?  Funnily enough I still have that wish.  I’m only 31 years old, I can still save the world.  I got time.

Yesterday, another really good friend told me that I’m a hard person to read.  She can read me only because she’s known me for so long, but that I’m not one to wear my heart on my sleeve, I don’t express my emotions.

Me – “How can you not read me like a book?  I write a blog.  You can read my blog.”

Her – “No, it’s not the same.”

I don’t like emotions, I never liked them.  I think they cloud people’s judgement and stop them from seeing the truth.  Emotions are chemicals firing off in the brain that are easily manipulated with the right foods, drinks or drugs.  How can anyone trust something so unstable?  I’m highly intuitive, but can hold off on emotions.

I feel like I convey my feelings well-enough to people.  It’s possible that I’m just not capable of articulating the exact feelings that I have, and so I hold off on saying anything at all for fear of sounding dumb.  Also, there’s a slim chance that anyone would have any idea what I’m talking about. 

Besides, emotions can be repetitive and circular – what knowledge can you gain from them?

I’m like a robot.

When she told me I wasn’t good at showing emotions, I started crying.

Me – “How can you say I’m not emotional?”

Her – “Don’t cry, I still love you.  That’s just who you are.”

I was very confused.  I wasn’t really crying, but she didn’t know that.

I deleted an entire post the other day, but people who subscribe to my blog via email still got it.  It sucks for me.  I’m always changing and updating posts, but my subscribers always get the original post.  I want to delete all my subscribers.  Is that horrible?  If I drop them, I’ll lose reader-loyalty.  I’m just going to have to think twice before hitting the publish button.

It’s 7:48 am.  Why the hell did I wake up so early?  I’m going to back to sleep.

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