English: Calcified cyst of pineal gland in CT. Deutsch: Verkalkte Zyste der Glandula pinealis in der Computertomographie. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
My Mother has a 30 pound tumor growing out of the lower right side of her abdomen. It just hangs there like an obese unborn fetus.
Mom – “I’m finally getting rid of this damn thing! Isn’t that great?”
She grabs it and jiggles it around.
Me – “Yeah Mom that’s great! It’s about time.”
Mom – “Have you ever touched it?”
Me – “Ew no I never touched it. Why would I do that? No way.”
Mom – “Oh come on now don’t be a baby, just touch it, come here touch it.”
Me – “No I don’t want to touch it! I don’t wanna! Please oh please god no, Momma NO!”
As I was struggling and saying this, she grabbed my hand and pressed it up against her belly.
Just me and a thin piece of sweater separated us. I could almost feel the mutant fetus inside her stomach communicating to me telepathically. “It’s okay dearie, I’m not going to eat you. Please be a pal and make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I’m a growing girl.”
I was reminded of the YouTube video of the fat lady with three demons in her stomach.
Me – “Ugh, no waahaa. No wh-wh-why-eee-eee.”
I literally squealed as if I was being tortured by a sadist putting my finger in a cigar cutter. Seriously, I sounded no different than if I was about to have my finger severed. I squealed, stomped my feet and turned my head away.
Again, is it my inhibitions holding me back? If I learned to let them go, would I actually enjoy feeling my mother’s obese 30 pound fetus monster? Or is it about people disrespecting my boundaries?
These are some heavy questions.
Mom – “Geez you’re such a baby. You’re just like your father.”
Anywho, in other news…
Today was an unexpected treat out of the ordinary. I had the entire day off! My phone rang like an angry bitch, but still – an entire day off!
I hung out with my adorable peruvian client last week. I get these strange premonitions where I feel it’s important for me to attend certain events. Like it’s a calling, a destiny or a benchmark in time that will lead to innumerable events that change my life forever. I felt it when I was asked to go to the Gold Club, I felt it for just about every job I ever had, and now I feel it for the camino.
And it doesn’t just effect my own future, but can effect everyone in my radius.
Or maybe I just have nothing better to do and have nothing holding me back.
Anyway, my little pal wants to do charity work. That’s an example of what a great person she is. She asked me to volunteer at a shelter in the Bronx with her today, but it was called off last minute hence the free day today.
So, this free day was a blessing. It’s already 6:08pm and the day is flying by way too fast.
“What can I do today that I’ve been putting off? Oh I know, smoke pot!”
Okay, I’m going to make this quick. Cannabis Sativa is having a very strong pull on me recently. You know, the Mary Jane, the Devils Lettuce, the wacky tobaccki that Mathew Mcconaughey smoked in that one movie he was actually good in. Yeah, that stuff.
There are so many healing benefits to smoking weed. It is shown to grow new brain cells and even fight cancer!
The main reason why I want to romp around with Cheech & Chong is for the spiritual benefits. When I was doing ayahuasca, the DMT from the medicine activated my pineal gland. People from all around the world has singled out the pineal gland as being the third eye (it actually has a lens, cornea and retina). Descartes described it as the seat of the soul. It’s said to be the place where the soul enters and leaves the body.
Can this also be said about Mom’s monster tumor fetus? Only the fetus know’s that answer.
I’m very sensitive to what goes on in my pineal gland. I have crazy experiences that happen without any facilitator let alone ayahuasca. Weird things happen to me and I have no idea why.
Pot is one such facilitator in activating the pineal gland. It facilitates it by raising melatonin up by 4000%. Melatonin is the pre-cursor to DMT which is released in the pineal gland naturally.
Basically when I smoke pot, I feel I have access to a higher level of awareness. A place where I can easily read people’s thoughts, emotions and intensions. I can also visualize stories I’ve never seen, only heard. I can fully grasp and feel exactly what is happening inside a persons head. I can whole-heartedly understand them to the point where I can no longer separate myself from their own thoughts.
Weed has a very powerful effect on me, and I’m curious to see if I can manage these higher states of consciousness. And if maybe I can learn from them. It brings meditation to a whole new level. Honestly, I’m just plain old curious.
So I went to Lifestyles today in Waterbury, the armpit of Connecticut, to buy a bong. On the way there, Bob Marley played on my radio and I felt so hungry that I went through the drive-thru window at taco bell. I NEVER in my life went to taco bell out of my own volition. I’m not yet a pot smoker and already I’m morphing into one.
People think of me as a hippie. I have that hippie vibe. But I’m not a believer in free love, The Grateful Dead, or floating around everyday in an amniotic fluid haze. No, I’m not a stereotypical hippie sprouting peace signs and unshaven armpits. But I am in essence, a true hippie. I believe in love, peace and higher consciousness. I’m not bound to greed, power, ego – I don’t care what people think of me, or how they view me. I’m the real deal. I want to smoke pot not to escape from anything, but to enhance everything.
However, if I was enhanced when I touched Momma’s chub monster tumor, I don’t think I’d ever recover from that.
Okay I’m High. It’s 1:23 am and I’m high. I have to be up at 8am to give 5 massages. Weird. Weed is so weird. I want to eat. I want to vape my e cig. I feel like i have to be eating or something. I’m watching family guy. okay, so am I meditating and focused? Am I closer to understanding god? weed is nothing compared to ayahuasca. diffinately not the same thing. I can not think straight when i smoke weed. i got caught up with too many distractions. i feel i can reach zen right now because i know exactly what would clear my mind. I know every thought that pops up. Wow insane. do I want to reach zen? so crazy how our minds are so caught up in this physical doo that we can’t let ourselves go. I see it so clearly. I cant clear my mind because I’m too scared. I can’t pin what I’m scared of. slipping into death is what’s most frightening.
this is strong stuff. I bought a bong today, never used it before now. Never had this weed before or any weed for that matter. I’m a lightweight and very sensitive.
weed takes you wherever you want to go. whatever you want to think about, it takes you there and immerses. ripping apart any topic. Why did I take so many hits? I’m such an idtiot. Really.
I know that I’m not typing that well. I’m not spelling correctly. I don’t feel like caring. Stupid weed makes me think way too much. Okay, so far too me, it feels like weed is a tool for meditation. To have no thought. Man I’m so tired! Weed knocks me out.
Anyway what was I saying? Oh yeah, total meditation man. It’s nothing to do with focus though. Impossible to focus right now. but weed is helpful in seeing where you’re mind takes you when you aren’t looking. My real fears in life, my face feeling like a mask as I grow older.
I can hardly keep my eyes open.
What do I really want to do right now? lets think about this! It’s 1:40 am and I’m awake. Why? I’m exhausted completely, can pass out any minute and yet I’m here typing. Shit blows my mind. Shit BLOWS my mind! I feel I havent consumed enough of the the day yet. I must eat, I must drink, I’m not satisfied quite yet. That’s why people have insomnia! They are unhappy in their lives so they stay up until they feel safe enough to sleep.
Damn I’m having these nutty thoughts that seem so mind blowing, things I wouldve never even considered important, and I’m seeing them now like for the first real time ever. Like, certain muscles in my body tense up for no reason. Why? why those muscles? Like right now I’m finding it impossible to relax my neck muscles. I’m afraid to let go. Afraid very similar to letting zen happen, the nonthought of your brain. As long as I have thought that I need to get out, or need to consume, I will never be able to loosen my neck muscles. Holy shit I can type fast! I mean seriously! I never noticed this before, but I can type faster than the computer can keep up. I type a sentence, and there is a small delay to what comes on the screen.
I’m faster than the computer I’m faster that the computer i can see myself typeing faster that the compter can keep up.
Okay, I’m not that fast. Well, I don’t know. It’s not happening now becuase i’m thinking about it too much. Now it’s not happening.
Super sleepy. I want to go to sleep, I really do. So why am I still up? I’m sorry, call me crazy but this is blowing my mind! There is not one reason why I should be up. The fact that this is happening astounds me.
I havent consumed enough. That’s what it is. I’m not satisfied.
I need to breathe.
Weed lets me see things differently. Any way that I want really. My self, this girl we call Melanie is all jumbled, so I don’t see things the typical Melanie way anymore. It’s freeing, but confusing as hell. What to think about is the thing? Do I have any questions to ask the great and mysterious cannabis plant?
Thats the thing, can’t focus. My mom made ham and pickle and thats all I can think about.
A while ago I went to Ocean state job lot. For those not familiar with Ocean State job lot, its like the Ritzy version of a dollar store. It has the cheapest possible items for the lowest quality. I bought crackers there last summer and those crackers are sitting on my shelf, opened many months ago and they are gross! Why am I thinking about eating them? I worked at a cafe once where I was in charge of cleaning my half of the kitchen. I had opened boxes of crackers up in the cabinet stored there for maybe two years. Someone ate them and vomited immediately after. It was a banquet staff, so it was okay. I didn’t feed them to a customer. lOl Omg why does that make me laugh? I couldvn’t fed them crackers to customers! If that happened you know how much trouble I would be in?
Oh man. So high. Do I really want to write right now? It’s 2:04 am. I’m going to vape my e cig for a minute and watch another family guy. Hold on.
I’m a one hit wonder. One hit is all I need. I think I taken about 5 tonight at least.
What is it about weed that makes me want to accept everything about me? If I accept myself right now, I can enjoy myself and be happy. If I think too much about what i can’t control, I can never be happy. I have to let it take me and not be ashamed. I think this has to do with those inhabitions I was talking about earlier. Yes I knew they were important! I mean, important in letting go. You have to let go to be happy.
I wish I can be in someone’s else’s brain for a while. So I can see how they’re thinking process differs from my own. But thats kind of impossible isn’t it? Does this pot alter my state or just amplify my own existing personality? Nothing is different, only more of the same, but amplified.
Yawn. I have not vaped yet. It’s 2:12 and I have no concept of time. This was a bad idea. No, no I’ll be fine don’t be silly. It usually wears off after an hour or so.
Oh just remember that I bought a bunch of quinoa on amazon. They are already cooked and I can eat it right out of the container. I’m thinking yeah. Oh yeah quinoa. But then I have to put my blog down. Will I miss anything if I put it down?
WTF I always get insomnia when I write at night! Why did I start this? I’m going to save this draft and I’ll re-read it tomorrow. Or why don’t I publish it now? What am I scared of? No, no I’ll wait. I’m not scared to hit the publish, it’s not about that but to write well, it’s all done in the editing.
Here’s what I’ll do, I’ll edit the part where I was sober and I’ll leave this part where I’m high. I won’t edit the high part. Besides, I’m doing this as an experiment anyway, right? How will I ever know the difference if I don’t keep the original of high Mel?
Crazy, I just went back and re-read what I wrote and everything makes perfect sense to me. Will it make sense to me tomorrow? I stand by everything I written as making sense.
Family guy is freaking funny. I need to eat my quinoa. Hold on.
Pot is definitely nothing like ayahuasca. I had complete control and focus of my thoughts. Honestly, ayahuasca was the best experience of my life. Complete clarity. No ego. I have ego now, I’m all ego. Weed has you’re brain rewiring and thinking differently, but it only rearranges, doesnt add anything or take away. With ayahuasca, you’re ego is no longer present, just pure knowledge. Weed is not giving me pure knowledge. Only making my brain work more it seems. It’s working more, and less at the same type. All because I can’t focus! It’s skipping around everywhere, working profusely and yet it’s not fully in control. It’s working less in that its coming to no conclusion. There is no final conclusion to any thought. My mind feels its working less because it can’t figure anything out. I know nothing.
Well, I like writing when I’m high. I really like it! The problem is, it will no doubt keep me up at night. This hugely sucks.
Okay, weed is good, totally awesome. But it’s a substance that I’m not able to control like I control myself with beer. I zone out and think and forget everything That I’m supposed to be doing.
I’ve been sleeping okay lately because I got myself in a routine. Habit makes things easy. Pattern seeking drift wood is what we are. But if people only knew how they’re own addictions and unsatisfaction in life can keep you up. If people were awake for that and not drifting, than maybe if they listen to what they’re thoughts are telling them, they can figure their shit out.
Writing helps me sleep. Well, as long as I don’t write near bedtime. I sleep better when I write a post during the day, like I accomplished my something creative for the day. It’s satisfying. Food doesn’t have that satisfying effect on me like writing does – thank god! I would be in trouble. I was up to 150 one year when I was hooked on chips and salsa every single night of the week being unemployed – oh man, bad times those were.
Okay I should really sleep.
I’m gaining slight control over my thoughts. Not sure if it’s because I’m coming down off the high or I’m just getting better at adjusting. Still not the same as ayahuasca.
I need to remember to breathe. Is it breathe or breath? Have I ever thought about that before? Yes, yes I have and I always forget. I think its the breathe that has the long e. Wow can’t believe I don’t remember. I remember remembering but now I forgot.
I can totally choose how I would react to pot. I can be the experience, just as my dream foretold. And now all I can think about is sleep. I wish I didn’t have 5 clients today.
Chris Griffen is hitting on a girl with down syndrome. Oh man this show is bad.
I feel like I need to empty my thoughts. Weed will help me in getting it all out.
Meg just queefed in the bath tub with Stewey. So bad.
Okay, its 3 am. This stuff was supposed to put me to sleep. I drank a few beers tonight too.
Wow the down syndrome girl is a bitch.
Okay, going to bed now. Nighty night y’all.