Category Archives: rant

A brief history lesson

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This is an example of a serendipitous occurrence.  I had no previous knowledge that a peyote ceremony had anything to do with readying my soul for transition or a long journey.  It just sort of happened without my knowledge.

It goes to show that the universe is on my side so long as I’m willing to listen and let it guide.  To trust it basically.  I HAVE to trust it.

I’m a believer in ancient rituals involving spiritual enhancement.  This Indian ceremony that I’m going to, is real.  The universe know’s that it’s real – and that’s why I’m being led there.  You don’t need to know why or how it’s important, just know that it’s happening for a reason.

I leave in four days.  On Miercoles, Wednesday.  The day that celebrates Mercury, the patron saint of travelers (amongst other things).  The reason why it’s placed in the middle of the work week is said to convey the message of  “getting over the hump” as in, “Yay we made it over the hump and it’s easy going from here.”

It’s all easy going after Wednesday.  It’s the anticipation that kills me.

Sitting in work is killing me.  It’s so hard being here right now.  I need some Echkhart Tolle.

In-between clients today, I went and picked up a large suitcase from K’s house.  I asked to borrow it.  After having gone through everything that we went through, I wonder if I’m being one of those girls who has “some nerve” in asking.

“Pfff, Melanie’s got some nerve……”

I don’t know where the line is or even if there is a line.  I’m bad at taking hints.  A person can go years without talking to me and I would still think that everything’s hunky dory.  A person has to literally slam the door on me in order for me to “get it”.  And the last time I saw K, it seemed like everything was ok, so…..

If I’m wrong and everything is still shit, it would take yet another door slam for me to get it – although I won’t get it, I never did get it, and at this point it’s highly unlikely that I ever will get it.

Kristie for instance, had to slam the door.  Matt hung up on me, the Haters made me cry on numerous occasions and Amy verbally assaulted me.  That’s what it takes to have me “getting it.”

Why is this?

I’m so awkwardly sentimental.  I cry at family gatherings when someone taps a wine glass and raises it for a toast.  I get sentimental when people are united.  It’s my sentimental side I cry for.  I cry when that unity is gone.

Not being able to see what’s really happening is like having a wash over my eyes.  It catches me by surprise every time.

I used to think that everyone had my best interests at heart.  I always thought I was being looked after and cared for.  This was my innocent side – the side people saw as naive or stupid.

Unfortunately, my spiritual journey has taken me to a place where I see truth.  The truth that not only do people not have my best interests at heart, but they care for and see only themselves.

I was an innocent sentimental sap.  Dependent on the care and consideration of others.  I trusted them more than I trusted my own knowledge.  I trusted their word over my own.

This knowledge hasn’t hardened me like you would think.  Hardening happens to those who don’t see the light.  No, instead I became wiser.  I’m wiser, but my patience for those who are in the dark has shortened.  Both my patience and my interest in them are gone.  It feels like I’m stepping into the danger zone of getting ruthlessly attacked for no reason other than it makes the other person feel better.

And so I have her suitcase.  Do I have “some nerve”?  I don’t know and I don’t care.  All I know is that I need a suitcase.  If it’s not okay, she has to take the initiative by saying “fuck you Melanie” and slamming the door because otherwise, I won’t get it.

I’ll never get it.

                                 *********************

Okay, I just got home from hanging out with guy friends from high school.

This would be the time where I get all sentimental and innocent by thinking that we have deep roots, so these guys have my best interests at heart (like brothers).

Call me crazy, but why do guys seem more sane than girls?  Guys are still nuts, don’t get me wrong, but I clearly connect better with them.  Or maybe it’s the whole male / female attraction thing taking place?  Maybe I’m genetically inclined to connect better with the male populace?  No.  No, that’s not it at all.  Men aren’t as catty.  They are dogs and I happen to be a dog person.

Men lie in the way of making them look better while women lie in the way of making them feel superior.

Women always lacked power, so we are genetically inclined to seek it – manipulating others for it.  It works, but really it’s all just a game of cat and mouse.  Tom and Jerry to be more precise.  Brains over brawn.

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Sacrificing myself for the greater good? Yeah sure, why not?

I’m having a bad case of the mean reds.  Mean reds are when you’re scared.  Sometimes I don’t know why I’m scared, but tonight I know why.  My heart is palpitating because it know’s why.

I had a draining day.  I confronted a Melanie Hater (I don’t like using that term anymore, but that’s how you know them by) earlier for brunch.  We talked about everything.  I knew that the waterworks were going to hit me sooner or later, so I surrendered myself to it.  I openly weeped while sitting in a booth in Grace’s diner.  I tried not making a scene, but it needed to come out.

She told me that I was not welcomed to go on vacation with them to Maine.  She didn’t feel comfortable with me being there.  She kept trying to cycle back to everything that I did, or said – taking the blame off of herself and being unable to empathize with how much she hurt me.  She’s not able to see it.  Like she’s not strong enough or doesn’t know herself enough to know others.  Compassion starts with the self.

She lacks the ability to see herself in others.

I saw everything that was happening and understood it.  I was being open and honest, baring everything, not hiding myself, not getting angry.  I used nothing but compassion and love.  Compassion and love.  I took everything I learned over this past year and used it to strengthen my faith, my courage and my love.  I used my knowledge to try and describe what it feels like to just lift the veil up over your eyes and to live a life of compassion, empathy and forgiveness.

She can’t do it.

“I feel like there’s a block in you.  Like you’re just not able to empathize with me.  I feel like the block is from something inside you that’s stopping it from happening.  Like you don’t have enough love for yourself or self-confidence.  You don’t see other people, you only see yourself and what you’re thinking.”

I wasn’t saying this to be harsh in any way.  I said it because I care about her and I wanted her to see the awesome person that she is.  If she opens up her channel of self-actualization, the love and confidence will follow and with it would come the ability to forgive others.  She’d be able to forgive others because she can accept and forgive herself.

She’s just not there yet.  She’s not there yet and I’ll continue to go through the ringer, but I choose it.  I choose to do it and in all actuality, it’s worth it to me.  It’s worth it to me because she’s my friend.  She’s my friend, so of course it’s worth it.

I told her that I’m sorry for everything I’ve done.  I told her that I loved her.  And then she told me one last time that I wasn’t welcomed to go to Maine with her before getting up and leaving me sitting there with my bitter sweet coffee of tears.

Except I had no more tears at that point.  I sat there nodding my head.  I was tapped out for the day.

But afterwards, I felt truly wonderful.  Completely head over heals in love with myself.  I felt like a rock, like an unshakable rock of truth and love.  And I knew at that moment that it’s in these moments that define my purpose.  I’m a giver, a healer, but I’m also the sign on your back that says “please kick me.”

I kick you awake beeyoch.

No, just kidding….

I can’t make anyone see what I see.  I can’t make them see what they’re not ready to see.

Losing the ego is the death of self – it’s completely terrifying.  Not only are you suffering loss, but also embarking on the unknown.  It’s an experience that must be felt, not told.  And the best way to help a person understand is only through love and compassion.  All I can do is give my love and compassion.  I can’t tell people anything, only show and give.  I baptize them with my own tears.  I embody the loving energy of Christ.  The same Christ that people intellectually know about, but feel too weak to embody forgiveness in themselves.

I’m there!

That monk really did do something to my brain.  Am I sure I really want this?  It’s a lonely path after all.  It’s lonely when being defenseless and laying my heart on the line.  I can feel it in my chest.  Pumping beneath my sternum – virtually unprotected.  But I can’t deny the strength I get from it.  It’s iridescent.

Today I hiked, cleaned my room, finished a painting and watched Lost.  I watched the episode where Julia dies by falling down a shaft and smashing the nuclear bomb with a rock.  I cried.  Then I watched a foreign documentary about a druggy prostitute called Loving Sophie.  I cried.  Then I tried watching a documentary about dying and grief – why did I do that?  I emptied myself out before shutting the movie off.

It got me thinking about how important it is to have supportive friends and family in times of crisis.  I thought about the Camino and I hate to say it but, what if something happens to me out there?  I’m not strong enough to do it on my own.  I need all the prayers I can get.  I need to know that people will be here for me when I get back.  That’s why going to Maine was so important to me.  To feel like I have something to come home to.  It’s unbearably scary knowing that I have nothing to come back to.

Hence the reason for the Mean Reds.

I’m so tired.  That rock tumbler is something else I tell ya.  Okay, I’m going to step out of the big almighty tumbler for the time being and look at it for what it really is.  It’s shaping me, evolving me and strengthening me.  I have to let it do what it does.  I asked for this.  There is nobody to blame but myself.

Unconditional surrender to the process requires unconditional love for others.

I will never forget this, never revert back to the old Melanie.  All thanks to you.  My memory bank blog.  My tender silent comrade.

This stuff is real, and if you pay enough attention to it, it might save your life some day.  Or somebody else’s.  Ah hell, it may save all of goddamned humanity.

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It’s 3AM and yeah….I’m blogging.

It’s 3am on a Saturday night, or Sunday morning depending on if you’re just going to bed or waking up.

I ain’t gonna lie, I was out drinking.  I’ve been out drinking a lot lately.  Ever since I found out that I’m not invited to Maine with the people I’ve known for the greater portion of my life, I’ve been out drinking everyday.

Okay so here’s the thing….

As long as I know that it’s not me being the asshole, I can live with myself.  That’s why I painted that picture in my last post.  Just in case it IS me being the asshole, the one who’s hurting people.  I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that it’s me doing harm to people.

One of the people I’ve been hanging out with this past week is a girl whom I was practically in love with 12 years ago.  I’ve never been so enamored with a girl and that’s the truth.  We had an awesome friendship until things got weird and she completely dropped me which left me completely devastated.  There was no fight, no explanation, no goodbye.  Little 22 year old me became heartbroken and prone to panic attacks.  I couldn’t understand it.  It’s the not knowing part that killed me.

Now she has two kids, no husband, she’s getting obese, does drugs, has no job, no money and has a gimp leg.  The feelings I had 12 years ago when we were young and fresh, thinking that she’s awesome and perfect in every way – all that dropped away.  All that’s left is reality.  There’s no need for explanations anymore.  It doesn’t matter and really it never should have mattered. 

And tonight I hung out with Matt.  The guy who ditched me after I got back from Colombia.  It was our first time seeing each other again.  He’s a lot of fun and he know’s he messed up, but hanging out with him made me want to contact Kristie – the girl who cast me aside because I’m friends with Dave.

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In all honesty, I don’t really care.  I can no longer be hurt simply because her choices have nothing to do with me.

And her boyfriend is totally gay, I mean literally, the dude likes dudes…..

And tonight when I was hanging out with Matt, I ran into an old flame of mine.

When I was in my mid-twenties, I was confronted with two very awesome young men whom I fell for and both of them broke my heart (which never happens).  I spiraled and never actually recovered from that first hit.  It hit me late in life (after adolescence), so that may be why.  But anyway, this guy that used me like a puffs plus was at the bar tonight being all friendly and smiley with me.

And I didn’t care.  I didn’t care that he was hitting on me.  I didn’t care that he wanted attention, I couldn’t make myself give a shit.  I was nice to him the same way I’m nice to all old friends I run into.

So….

Three people that I once cared about.  Kristi, The girl from 12 years ago, and the douche at the bar tonight, all of them – I don’t care anymore.

And you know why I don’t care?

Because people are nuts.  That’s why I don’t care.  As long as I know that it’s not me being crazy, I’m happy.  My true essence of awesomeness has no obstructions in the way.  It’s just me in all my happy splendor whether you want to join me or not.  I don’t care and I don’t need explanations.

Tomorrow I’m going to confront a Melanie Hater.  She’s the girl I painted the picture for just in case it really was me being the asshole.

That’s the thing that’s important here.  As long as I do what’s right, all else doesn’t matter.  I have to let go of finding out the reason for things.  It’s not important and in time, it won’t matter anyway.

I can’t get angry, hurt, or feel powerless.  As long as I do what’s right, I know I’ll always be okay.  Just because the world is insane, doesn’t mean I have to be insane along with it.

I totally immersed myself in the big illustrious rock tumbler.  Getting tossed around like a rag doll with her stuffing falling out and her button eye missing.

Why don’t people realize how much they hurt others?  I feel like I keep throwing myself in it just to show people what they do.  How what they do doesn’t make any sense.  I’m the one who gets hurt, but I keep doing it anyway.  I keep doing it until I stop caring.  Until all my abrasive edges are rubbed clean off.

And that’s just the thing, I haven’t stopped caring about this one particular Melanie Hater.  I just need to know why.  I can’t let go.  I know I’m supposed to let go, but I can’t.  Not until I’m certain that it’s not me with the problem.  I just have to do what’s right and doing what’s right always involves putting my heart on the line.  That’s how people get me, it’s like I ask for it.  Amy used to say that I like pain.  She said I liked pain because I liked hanging out with her.

People are nuts.  I need to stop caring and instead just focus on causing no harm and doing what’s right.  And if nothing works out, at least I’ll know that it wasn’t me.  I can move on with no anger or guilt in my heart.  And explanations won’t matter at that point because their choices and reasons are of their own making and have nothing to do with me.

I can’t please everyone.  I can’t live up to expectations.  I disappoint people.  But who I am is who I am.  I can’t allow rejection to hurt me.  I only hurt myself when I hurt others.  I’m not going to allow myself to turn into them.  I’m better than that.

People who hold grudges are crazy.  Jealous people are crazy.  Anger and hate are both crazy.  Obsessing over finding explanations is crazy.

I’ll never know why.

I’m about to embark on a journey that very well may change my life forever.  It scares the pants off of me.  It would be nice knowing that I have a support group in spirit walking beside me.  It’s like losing a parent, or getting diagnosed with a terminal illness – you need support from others to go on and face your fears.

That’s why life is too short to hold grudges.  That’s why compassion is a HUGE part of my life.  I see the pain and loss in others – I want to be there!  Knowing that I’m one of the only few to see this is a lonely job.  It’s a lonely existence.  Nobody understands and that’s the kind of pain I have to live with.  But it will polish me, and I refuse to become like everyone else.

I will always strive to be better – always.

I’m going to hold off on publishing this post.  I’m tired and cranky.  Best wait till the light of day.

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Melanie’s Pervert Policy

Okay, so I’m a massage therapist with my own practice and few days ago an old man exposed his withered manjigglies to me.  I’m not embellishing when I say that my stomach contents rose up to touch my tonsils.  I became worried that once the vomit passed my tonsil threshold, it will land on his own two dangling tonsils that lay between his legs under a flap of flab.

He came in bearing his own washcloth from home.

Dirty old man – “I have restless leg syndrome so I can’t have anything on my legs.”

Me – “Huh….”

Dirty old man – “I brought my own towel for draping.”

He had a folded washcloth in his lap.

Me – “How big is it?” (I meant the washcloth)

Him – “Well, I brought two different sizes in case you’re not comfortable with this one.”

Me – “Do you wear underwear?”

Him – “No.”

I told him there’s no way I’m going to massage him using only a towel for a barrier, and he clearly got upset but wanted the massage anyway.  It was during the massage when he exposed himself.  It’s horribly disrespectful and annoying.  It’s more annoying than anything to deal with someone like that.

I had a cancelation in work today, so I made a few improvements to my business’ webpage.  I added a few new pages, one being a Pervert Policy.  I don’t care if it’s not professional.  I don’t give a shit quite honestly.  I’m someone with little patience and can get quite aggravated and snarky – actually making fun of these people to their faces.  This is something that I have to NOT do.  I must avoid bringing this frustrated Melanie to life.

Here’s what my Pervert Policy looks like on my business site:

PERVERT POLICY

me and mom

See that?  That’s a picture of me with my Mother when I was a wee little lass.  Aren’t I cute?  If you look close enough, you can see that I’m actually somebody’s daughter.

I’m also somebody’s kid sister.

me and fran

Please keep that in mind if your intensions are not pure and you’re planning on taking advantage of this wee little runt.

Pervert Policy #1 – I will NOT answer calls from blocked phone numbers.  You can leave me a message with your name and number so I can call you back.  This is my first line of defense since perv’s typically don’t leave numbers.

Pervert Policy #2 – If you do get me on the phone, questions about draping is a RED FLAG that you are a perv.  I don’t and will NEVER drape using towels.  I use sheets and only sheets.  Haranguing me about this only amplifies your pervertedness and you will get hit with snarky remarks because I can do that.  I’m the business owner.  Also asking me what kind of lotions or oils I use, I found to be an indicator of perversion also .  Why this is?  I have no idea.

Pervert Policy #3 – I can refuse service to ANYONE at any time before or during the massage without giving an explanation.  If you want an explanation, please refer to my Pervert Policy.

These policies are enacted as a way to preserve the sweet innocence of the child pictured above and below.

cute lil me

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Melanie goes to a psychic! Her name is Bonnie and she’s located on the Silas Dean Hwy, Rocky Hill, CT

The Catcher in the Rye

The Catcher in the Rye (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I bought a psychic reading on Living Social for 30 bucks because I figured why not, right?  I was hoping to glean some insights into my upcoming Camino trip.

Anyway, she was a complete charlatan!

I can’t leave a review for her anywhere because she doesn’t have a website and her business isn’t listed in any directory.  I’m guessing it’s because of the mass flood of people leaving one star reviews telling others to stay away.  She doesn’t even have a business card and claims she’s been doing readings for 22 years.

If I can’t leave a review anywhere, I’ll leave one here on my blog.  If I’m specific enough, people will find this post when googling her.

Her name is Bonnie and she’s located on the Silas Dean Hwy, Rocky Hill, CT.  She also works out of her home in New Milford on Danbury Rd.

Before you read this post, please note that I am in no way bias towards tarot readings.  I believe in synchronicity and alignment with the universe unfolding itself in small markers that respectfully guide us along our paths.  I’ve been to two readings before seeing her, and both psychics (especially the first), were kind and genuine.  They told me both good and bad, not asking any questions or seeking responses, only reading directly whats on the card in front of them and using intuition to decipher the meanings.  This woman however, did none of that.

All Bonnie did was ask me questions and see how I responded to them.  It was only from my responses, was she able to direct her “reading”.  She laid out ALL (72 I believe) the cards, one after the other without even really looking at them or telling me what each card meant.  She started going at it, like reading from a script.

Me thinking – “Oh come on, she’s one of these hoaxers?”

2 minutes into the reading she announces that I have a problem that can only be fixed if I let her do a diagnosis and chakra balancing.

Me – “Um okay, so how much does that cost?”

She ignored my question and continued telling me that something was wrong with me.  She told me that I give all my love to people, and don’t get any in return – basically telling me that I was unloved.  She said I wake up everyday without any excitement, and that I’m depressed and wondering hopelessly (she actually said I have no hope!) through life.  My soul vacated my body because there is so much negativity in there that the soul lost all hope for me.

Bonnie – “You’re weak and need help.  When you first walked in here I was like, ‘this poor girl needs help!'”

She said the man in my life can’t be trusted and talks horribly behind my back but is nice to my face.  She said there are girls who also say horrible things about me behind my back.

Me – “So what do I do about it?”

Bonnie – “You’re in a fog.  I can see you trying to push the fog away but you can’t push away fog.”

She giggled as she mimed me caught in a fog.

Bonnie – “I don’t know exactly what the problem is without doing a diagnosis.”

Bonnie – “Do you know why you’re feeling this way?”

Me – “Uhhh……”

Bonnie – “Do you know what’s causing this?”

Me – “I think things happen to make me a stronger person.  To learn from it.”

I shrug my shoulders.

She shakes her head and brushes it off.

Bonnie – “It’s because a dark entity has attached itself to you and is sucking out all your energy.”

Me – “Is it a person?”

Bonnie – “No, it’s an entity.  A dark entity.  They are orbs.”

Me – “How do I get rid of it?”

Bonnie – “You’ll need a diagnosis and chakra cleansing.”

(Completely unrelated, but I’m sitting here in work eating lunch / dinner and I just have to ask myself, why must I put salad dressing over everything?  I’m eating white rice for cripes sake!  I’m gross, I know….)

Anyway, back to to Bonnie.

Bonnie – “Why am I sensing you’re scared for a baby?”

Me – “I don’t know, that’s weird.”

Bonnie – “It could be that you want kids or have kids, or know someone with kids….”

Me – “No idea.  I don’t think much about kids.”

Bonnie – “I’m seeing you looking at yourself in the mirror and not knowing who you are.  You don’t know who you are because your soul is no longer in you.  It’s just behind you.  You notice how I keep looking behind you?”

Me – “Huh, that’s interesting.  I really only came here to get a reading about my upcoming trip.  Do you see anything in there having to do with travel?”

Bonnie – “Oh yes I see travel in here.  Nothing will happen in your travels and you will come back and have these same problems.”

I wanted to slap her so bad.

Me – “Uhh….”

The whole act was a sales pitch for me to buy a chakra cleansing for $275.  Completely unbelievable!  I mean come on now, you got to be kidding me with this shit, right?

I’m not saying that she was a horrible con-artist, I’m not saying that at all.  She was very engaging and played her role perfectly, only she was up against me – a girl who takes absolutely nothing seriously, and can’t be touched by outside influence.

They call these types of con’s, mentalists.  Magicians often use mentalism in their acts to woo the crowd.  And honestly, it can be really amazing and inspiring to watch.  Like it really IS magic.

I think it’s cool – it’s really neat to see how our brains work.  And witness how incredibly strong the power of suggestion is.  However, this kind of trickery doesn’t work on someone like me.

Bonnie – “If the chakra cleansing doesn’t work on you, I will pray for you.”

Me – “Oh thanks, does prayer help?”

Bonnie – “Yes prayer helps a lot, but you praying for yourself won’t work.  You’re not strong enough.”

Me – “So how do I get stronger?”

Bonnie – “By keeping the negativity out and keeping your chakra’s in balance.”

Bonnie – “I’m sensing trouble between your crotch area up to your sternum.  There’s something going on there.”

Me – “Really?  I feel completely healthy.”

Bonnie – “It can be an unbalance.”

Me – “Oh…..”

Bonnie – “I’m feeling things are unhealthy at home.  There’s no happiness there.  Care to share that with me?”

Me – “Strange, I’m completely happy at home.  I like where I live.”

She was reaching from every angle.  Trying out an assortment of bait until she hooked me.  I didn’t give her anything though.  Sure I should move out of my parents house, but I really am happy living here.  That’s why I won’t leave!  Society wants me out, but I’m beyond that rhetorical reasoning.

I was entertained with watching her efforts.  I was also being passively aggressive by not calling her out on her bullshit.  There’s so many fakes and phony’s out there, that I find it necessary to pick my battles because most are not worth it.  Besides, relating too much to Catcher in the Rye caused Mark Chapman to kill Lennon and also there were said to be many copies of that book in Lee Harvey Oswald’s hotel room when he shot JFK.

Focusing on the fakes and phony’s will drive you crazy.  Its paranoia and delusion.

Bonnie – “What religion are you?”

Me – “I’m Catholic, but I believe there’s truth in all religions.”

Bonnie – “Yes Catholic, I knew that.  It feels to me you lost your faith.  You pray and feel that no one listens.”

Me – “Uhh…..”

Bonnie – “No one is there listening to your prayers.”

I felt like such a douche.  Everything she said was the complete opposite of what I believe.  My faith is unshakeable!  I’m going on a Goddamned holy pilgrimage to see the remains of St. James for chrissake.  I believe in God, in holy places, in suffering and humility – I live it!  I own that shit.

Bonnie was fishing for details.  She needed more info from me.  I wasn’t giving her anything to work with.

Bonnie – “Why do you feel that way?  These cards are very accurate.  I picked them just for you.  They were blessed in the Vatican and painted with gold.”

Me – “I feel that God is always there, but it’s up to me to take action.  I have to rely on myself.”

God helps those who help themselves – this is cemented in my head as fact.  I see it everywhere, in everyone.

Bonnie – “But you’re too weak…”

Bonnie – “I see no happiness in your future, not in romance or anywhere.”

This marked the time when I had heard enough.  I was no longer being entertained.  My patience level was in the red.  She tried so hard to hook me, that she was reaching way too far.  She wanted to play on my weaknesses, to get me in that low place where she can easily manipulate and have me rely solely on her for cures and answers – much the same as it was with Amy.  Seeing it play out in new form was remarkable.  Everyone’s out to get something whether it be control or money (often times both!).

Me – “Okay, well thanks for opening my eyes.  Sorry for bringing bad energy into your place.”

I said this as I stood up and flung on my coat

Bonnie – “It’s okay, that’s what the crystals are for.”

I understand that people have to make a living and all, we all have to do what we gotta do, but to prey on the kindness and gullibility of unsuspecting, trusting souls is NOT the way.  If I believed even just one word of any of that, I would be traumatized.  Words are damaging!  People usually seek out mediums for guidance or help in their lives, and that alone marks them for being vulnerable.  Vulnerable people want to believe, they want explanations, answers and cures to their troubles.

It’s a perfect trap for them to fall victim to.  And these con-artists will never admit to anyone that what they do is a hoax.  They will defend themselves tooth and nail until they’re blue in the face.  It’s all ego, self-preservation, uncompassionate, disrespectful.  They might even go so far as to rationalize it, fooling themselves and their victims into believing it’s not fraud.

“Well if they’re agreeing with what I’m saying, then it MUST be true.  They’re allowing it to happen so what I’m doing isn’t wrong.  They have full control.  I’m just the one guiding it.  I’m helping people confront their demons.”

Vulnerable people don’t have full control.  They can get sucked into abusive relationships, believing every negative thing said about them.  It happened to me!

And even if I did call her out on all her bullshit, just by calling her out, she would take offense.  It wouldn’t matter whether or not what I was saying was true, she would only hear that I’m calling her a liar.  In her mind, I have no proof for those accusations and therefore it’s uncalled for.  To be called a liar, a con (even when it’s fact), is a huge insult.  She would defend her character, because in her world, she can never be wrong.

This experience was exactly what I needed to remind myself of those 90% of malleable idiots in the world.  They are idiots, yes, but I don’t believe it’s who they truly are.  These people are blind to who they really are, they’re just too far away to see.  But I see it.  I see the good in everyone, including the charlatans.

There is goodness in everyone.  We are all the same, made up of the same material, the same psychic energies that create life.  No one is better or worse than anyone.  Are some wiser?  Yes, absolutely.  Are some more awake and lucid?  You damn well believe it!  But no one is more entitled than their fellow man.  We are all equal, and equally here together.

Imagine the growth and healing that would take place if only Bonnie allowed herself to admit that what she’s doing is wrong.  The weight of guilt will lift,  God will be let back into her heart.  It’s a purge, a letting go.  It’s so easy to let go, but people are intimately intertwined with their ego’s – a huge illusion.  Ego exists only in the mind, it’s not real.

I never understood exactly what ego was before ingesting ayahuasca.  I thought it was all about narcissism and personal identity, and far from being the key into awareness.  If you never felt its true meaning, you won’t understand anything I write about it.  You won’t get it.  The true sense of what ego is all about, is so much deeper than what we believe it to be.  The literal definition can be easily understood and processed, but its true meaning can only be felt.  To actually feel it and see it, you’re able to detach from it.  The enlightened being can do this.

The ego is so deep in us, so embedded that you don’t know yourself without it.  It’s like a fish swimming in water not knowing he’s wet.  That’s the best way I can describe it to those of you who don’t understand.  And please remember that I’m no better or more knowledgable than any of you out there reading this.  I’m only able to understand and see it because I taken ayahuasca.  Ayahuasca is the only dividing factor and it’s something we all can experience.

I see in so many people, all their fears, needs, self-esteem, I see exactly where they need to let go, but I’m incapeable of doing it for them.  All I can do is see their good, and hope they come around in seeing it too.

I’m posting this mainly for those poor individuals who get duped into believing nonsense.  I’m posting Bonnie’s info not out of spite or anger (well, it was that at first), but to help others avoid any pain or trauma caused by this woman, or anyone similar.

I see all this so clearly.  I only see truth in the absence of my ego and fear.  It’s like, all clutter has filtered out of me and left no sticky residue.  Understanding flows through me without any hooks plugging it up.  Why can’t others see what I see?  It’s not hard!  And no, I’m not fully detached from my ego.  It takes a lot of strength and energy to let it go (although it seems to be getting easier).  I’m attached to it, but it’s different now.  It’s different simply because I’m aware of it.  But still, it’s a slippery little bugger.

I’m sure I sound like a complete crazy person to those of you who don’t understand.  I sound crazy, but I don’t care.

Anyway, enough on that.

I had an awesome day in work today!  I had two full paying clients, two re-books and a few new regulars added to my repertoire.  And you know how I did it?  By being compassionate, living in the moment with my clients and focusing entirely on their needs.  And oh man, people love this!

I learned from yesterdays tarot reading, I learned to do the complete opposite of a charlatan.  It’s not unfathomable for a massage therapist to be a charlatan.  There are different degree’s of it.  Where there is no compassion for your clients, customers, or whomever you may be serving (we are all serving someone) and only doing what you do for money – that is a form of a con.  People over-look it because 90% of us do it.  We gain people’s confidence with the intention of being paid, or gaining control, power, prestige, etc…

It’s so crazy that it was only yesterday while I was massaging (before going to see Bonnie), I was thinking about this exact same thing!  I thought of myself as an asshole just doing my job for money, my heart not being fully in it.  And today, I completely understand.  The universe never ceases to amaze.  Honestly, it’s amazing!

And for all of you out there who need guidance, no one can help you.  It hurts to hear, but it’s true.  Just by reading this, I’m not helping you, I can’t help you.  It’s only in your power to ultimitely believe what you want to believe.  Just the same goes for finding the strength to help yourself.  No one will save you.  God isn’t “out there,” he’s in you.  He was there the whole time.  The minute you open your eyes to him, tap into your hidden strength, you’ll come to realize that you are the only person you’ll ever need.  You’re the only person who can save you.  Taking responsibility for your life and your actions are a sure-fire way to do this.  Only you can create your life and be held responsible for it.  By placing blame on the absence of God, or other people, will indeed drive you crazy.  You lose yourself, spiral, and eventually you can fall completely, or linger on in that mid-zone where most people live.  They control their defects as best they can.  Holding onto any small happiness they encounter, however fleeting, they hold on.

If you’ve fallen, there will always be a hand to pick you up.  Where no hand is given, you lend it to yourself.

Disclaimer:  No conversation can be accurate when relying solely on memory.  Bonnie wouldn’t let me record the session (yet another proof it was bs).  What claims have been made here are entirely subjective to my view and what I got out of the reading.  If I was able to leave a review elsewhere, I would be entitled to these statements being that they are true to my knowledge and ability to recall what was said.

Please don’t sue me.

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Another reason to hate Obama

English: Barack Obama delivers a speech at the...

English: Barack Obama delivers a speech at the University of Southern California (Video of the speech) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I took a big risk in writing that last post.  If she were to read it, that would be the end of your dear old pal.  No more Mel.  Finito.  The end.  And what’s worst of all, I wouldn’t be able to write about my own death!

You think I’m joking, but I’m not.  My office building just got a hell of a lot scarier at night.

But anyway, what can you do….

I should be reading about the Camino.

Damn it I forgot what I was going to write about!  Oh no wait, I remember.  It’s yet another reason why I hate Obama.  The guy wants women to fight on the front lines along side the men!  Obama don’t give a shit.  China’s been letting their women fight on the front lines for years because it’s all a numbers game to them, China don’t give a fuck.  Does China care if a man is left behind or a man is down?  Hell no!  We are becoming China!

It’s one thing to fight for your country when it plays out in your own backyard (unfortunately by that time Americans will be unarmed) – I would want to fight!  But to send our young girls out there to be slaughtered and raped, where is the sense in that?  It’s not about equality, it’s about numbers and power.

Reality is NOT a G.I Jane movie, it’s real and it’s brutal.  Women have a hell of a lot more to lose other than just a hard blow to the head, or a severed limb.

We already fought for and earned our equality, we are tough and smart.  There’s equality and then there’s stupidity.  Lightweight boxers are separated from the heavyweights for a reason!  Every pound makes a huge difference in the ring.

This whole thing gets me so upset.  They’re going to smudge our pretty faces in camo, shove a huge gun in our thin arms and kick us out the door into a wild, screaming bunch of horny armed men with broken souls.  Gnashing their teeth and drooling over the free for all sexcapade.

“You’re a man now baby doll.  Let’s see what you’re really made of.  Ha ha ha.”  Says the commander in chief as he folds his arms over his big scarred chest and sucks in the smoke of his stogie.  His red oily face gleaming in amusement.

There will be no special treatment.  No remorse.  No nothing.  We can all be drafted now.  The governments drafting lottery can skip over my future husband and land on me.  How does that make any sense?

“Forget the big brawny stud, let’s pick the lass!”

Can anyone please tell me where and how it’s right for the government to take half my income, making it nearly impossible for me to get ahead, take away my right to bear arms, and then send me off to a war laden country to fight for them on the behalf of the United States of America?  Even though I have no experience with guns?  We’re talking about me here!  Lil’ ol’ naive idiot Mel who doesn’t agree with killing anything not edible.  People are not edible!  Scary and dangerous, yes, but not worth killing.  Nothing is worth killing for, but if it’s worth dying for, than it’s worth killing now isn’t it?  That’s where people go wrong.  Everyone’s insane!

And this is freedom?

Obama is using the glory of equality for his own benefit, masking his hidden intentions.  Just as he uses our altruism to make it okay to take half our earnings to give to the poor.  He uses our goodness against us, he uses our morals against us.  And you know who buys into it?  The small minded idiots that are unable to think for themselves.  And they are EVERYWHERE!

Here is the article I read:  http://jhaines6.wordpress.com/2013/01/24/presstv-pentagon-lifts-ban-on-women-in-combat/

Here is my reply:

Aww I was rather fond of that decade old policy. I mean, hand to hand or knife to knife, whichever it is, a woman going up against a crazed terrorist with no guilt in his eyes stands little chance. You can’t deny that.

Guys are big, lets face it. Especially crazed terrorists who were brought up in violence.
I’m a believer in women’s rights and equality, but when it comes to certain things such as brute muscle violence, equality gets a little blurred. They are also responsible for all their fellow squad members if one were to fall injured.
But of course, choice should always be given. It’s just that if a fresh faced little 18 year old girl were to be jettisoned into live combat with killer mercenaries hiding in the bushes, she sounds more like a liability. And whats worse, there is rape! Something far more brutal than death.
I say lets keep woman as snipers. We have a killer dead-eye! But hey, that’s just my opinion.

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I Want My Heater!

I admit I was not on my best behavior for the following pillow talk, but before you judge, please understand that all her emails and texts prior to this were disturbing.  I was sympathetic and understanding as I listened to her spew wretchedness at me.  

I’ll post them eventually, there’s just so many….  

Anyway, I pretty much had my fill of it.  I give up.  Here is me giving up.

Here’s Melanie unabridged (it’s not pretty): 

Amy:

Any way I can get my heater back?

Me:
Damn I was hoping you would ask for it back after winter.  Do you want to pick it up today after work?  I can leave it out in the lobby upstairs, but if you don’t want to pick it up today then let me know cause it’s helpful to have here.
I hope you’re doing okay fuckface. Miss you.

Amy:

I can’t today, I don’t go by your work on the way home, only in the am..but maybe I can pick one day at your house or you can drop it off at my house…?

Me:
Okay which day would you want to pick it up at my house? I can leave it with my parents to give to you.

Me:
Actually that’s a bad idea. No offense, but I don’t trust you with my parents. I don’t know what you are capable of telling them. It’s just a precaution.
I’ll drop it off at your house tonight when I’m done here. Ill just leave it outside your door and scram.

Amy:
What I’m capable of telling them?? Really, you are so fucked up….

Amy:
Delusional and paranoid…not a good combo. What would I tell your parents??? Lol. You don’t tell them the truth, I certainly wouldn’t…

Me:
Can’t I just mail you $50 for it? You don’t even need it and you’re only doing this out of spite because you hate me so much.

Amy:
I was letting you borrow it because I was your friend and I cared. We aren’t friends anymore, I figured you would return it. At the time I didn’t need it and now I do. I love how you assume it’s about you and me hating you. I hate no one, not even George….I do feel bad you are so far off and misguided. It’s sad to see who you are to who you represented yourself as., had I known I would have steered clear. Thankfully I have fallen back in my old groove of hanging with old friends and having awesome adventures in the mountains. As I said before, I forgive you and some day you will see what you did and how you betrayed a good hearted friend for your own benefit. Please bring me the heater. I don’t want the money. A new heater costs more and I need it. Ask my sister if you don’t believe me…

Me:
How the hell did I betray you? YOU ENDED THE FRIENDSHIP! You ended the friendship and said horrible, rotten things to me just like a sociopathic person would do. You are FUCKED up in the head!

I’m not going to your house, fuck that shit. You’ll set me up for something, I know it. You can drag your ass down here and get it your damn self.

You never cared about me, Not ever! You’re incapable of that emotion and probably will never feel what its like. Oh and Amy, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS! Gee, I wonder why that is you fucking douche.

Goddamned it. This isn’t me. I don’t do this. Just do me a huge favor and stay the hell away from me. I’ll leave your heater downstairs in the lobby.

I wish you weren’t so fucked up. I hope you get better, I really do. For the sake of other people at least. I feel sorry for whoever gets involved with you because you are a vengeful hateful person. I wouldn’t be surprised if you called the cops on me for some made up shit.

How can you be so blind to the way you are? How can you not see your hate?

Amy:
Wow. Again showing your colors. Telling me to drag my ass down to your building as I let you borrow the heater??? Typical narcasistic answer, your mommy has failed to teach uour morals and manners. My sister needs the heater, I’ll show her your email. And I ended our friendship because you are crazy and drama filled. Period. Read your email, nuts! So I will go in the am to get it since my sister needs is and wanted it tonight…will it be there?

I have nothing more to say to you. I don’t have the need to explain or defend myself. I can prove my friendships with pictures, phone calls,vacations planned, ice climbing trips like last weekend, hanging at bills for patriot game, next month gounf 3 days to jersey..hung at connies last weekend and had dinner. had dinner with a date on saturday. Hanging with dirty Fred and his baby 2 weeks ago, planning on 4 days of snowmobiling in march with him and his woman..I think you are confusing you not having friends with me…I want my heater. It’s not yours and you need to give it back please.

Me:
Holy fuck your crazy! I didn’t even read all that cause it’s too crazy. Shit man. Holy shit! Lol

After these emails, I get these texts:

Hate texthate textmean hate texts20130124-125104.jpg20130124-125116.jpg20130124-125127.jpg20130124-125141.jpg20130124-125208.jpg20130124-125218.jpg

One day I’ll post all her crazy texts and emails for you, but for now it’s too much effort (there are lots!).  This was the first time I was actually mean to her in my responses.  I was being mean, but amusing myself and actually laughing from the idiocy of the whole thing.  I felt guilty shortly after, and will probably feel guilty for posting this to my blog, but hey, it’s my freaking life online.

During the 6 or 7 months that I’ve known her, I only met two of her so-called “friends.”  They are a married couple that live up in Vermont five hours away.  And both of them refused to prosecute against George, her ex-boyfriend, who supposedly tried to kill her.  They refused because they didn’t know who or what to believe (and these are her “core” friends!).

George insists that he was set up and is now going through great lengths to prove his innocence.  I listened to the poor guys voicemails and he sounded like a broken man.  Broken from taking emotional abuse and becoming dependent.  His words were drenched in tears.  I truly felt sorry for the guy, and I think Amy knew I felt sorry for him.

She is the type of person to do that shit.  That’s why I’m scared of her, thats why I didn’t want to go over her house or for her to come to mine.  She always threatened to tell my parents how “undisciplined” I am in my business, who the hell know’s what she would say to them now!  And she’s been to court more times than I could pay attention to.  She’s dangerous and armed to the teeth!

Is this the last time I’m going to hear from her?  Probably not.  She joined the ranks of the Melanie Haters and is now hell bent on destroying me.  People are absolutely insane!  I see so clearly that compassion can cure everything.  It’s the cure-all for all your hurts.  I’m 100% NOT hurt by anything she says or does to me and it makes me feel sorry for her even more!  She’s in so much pain and a world of hurt – she wants to spread it to me but it’s not working and I point and laugh instead.

I’m truly an asshole, yes.  It’s like calling a mentally challenged person retarded to their face.  She has the same emotional problems you would find in a mental patient.  And would you give them a hard time?  No, of course not.  It’s not their fault.

Even just writing about all this, sounds childish.  I’m too old for this shit and lived through it all before, only not with a person so wacked.

I’m inhumane, I know.  But I’m not going to take harassment bending over.   And I can’t hide my true nature of laughing and poking fun at everyone – it’s who I am.  I laugh at peoples inability to see themselves and call them out on it.  Not in a bully way, but a good way.  I just want everyone to learn how to love.  Very few people know how.  They have trouble with acceptance, and instead focus on their own needs.  And I obviously did NOT do my part in fulfilling her needs.

Anyway, a typical day in the book of Mel…..

I’m only on page 65 of my Camino book.  I just can’t find the time.  I have 81 unchecked Facebook notifications and a few messages.  I love Facebook, I think it’s the bee’s knee’s  but how the hell do people find the time to live on it?  Facebook, as fantastic as it may be, is absolutely mind numbing to me.  I’m at the point now where it’s just too much.  Too overwhelming, too time consuming.  I mean come on now, 81 notifications?  My Facebook page for my business is also in the dumps of abandon.

I’m not the status update kinda gal.  I’m more of the essay type.  A small status update is like a tiny dog yipping for attention, while I on the other hand,  am Cujo.  Ripping out my own rabid tormented insides.  And no, my blog is not nor will ever be affiliated with my Facebook page.  Can you blame me?

I’m a closet writer, a ghost writer.  I paint a picture of who I am, and sometimes I’m not proud of who I am, but there you have it anyhow.  Hey, I told you I’m no angel.

I need to publish this post.  I don’t like it when they get too long.

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Another day, another post about crap

Cover of "To the Field of Stars: A Pilgri...

Cover via Amazon

I purposely laid off blogging for the time being so I can focus on the Camino.  It’s been four days and I’m only on page 45 of “To The Field Of Stars” by Kevin A. Codd.  I like it, it’s a great book, but I get easily distracted.

I get distracted by playing spider solitaire and watching documentaries on Netflix.  That’s what I’m doing right now, well, before I started blogging that is.

It was my Pop’s birthday a few days ago, so me and my fam all went out to eat at the new Mongolian restaurant that replaced our beloved Buffet 2000 on Queen street in Southington.  This is where I first learned about idcapthat.

My 13-year-old niece has an app on her phone that automatically adds captions to pictures.  She had taken a picture of her Nana’s big smiling face with a caption underneath that reads:  My favorite popsicle is Dick.

She showed the pic to her father who burst out laughing hysterically.

My bro – “That’s not right.  That’s just not right.  Something is majorly wrong with you.”

Me – “What?  What is it?”

Me – “Oh good lord Alexis!”

Alexis – “Should I show Poppy?”

Me – “NO!”

My bro – “No, don’t show Poppy.”

And what does she do?  She show’s my dad anyway.  He could only shake his head and laugh.

Here are two other pic’s that made our little table in the quiet restaurant cry in laughter:

My mom was serenely enjoying her morning banana…

20130120-214335.jpg

20130120-214348.jpg

My family members are a bunch of redneck indecent weirdo’s.  I love them.

My blog juices are starting to flow big time.  Where does it all come from?  Why the hell can’t I stop?  If only I can step away and actually read more instead of write, then maybe I can get better at it.  If only I took the time to read books or other blogs, I can improve drastically.

Let’s make this a short post Mel.  It’s late anyway.

I have an unnatural love for Australian style hats.  I adore them!   But they are unacceptable where I come from.  Here in the northeast, it’s not natural to wear them under any circumstances.  Stupid Connecticut.  I’m sure other countries would scoff at them too – not just the uppity’s here in the states.

But this is just another demonstration of how free we are not.  What we wear matters.  It matters to anyone with two eyes and living in a populated consumer driven culture.  I hate this, I really do.  I hate it that I can’t even wear a stupid hat because it’s not considered fashionable.

If I were to wear it, people would think I’m crazy or really eccentric.  Maybe an attention whore even.  That’s how messed up our society is.  I wear a hat and I’m labeled a reject.  Anybody different is deemed wrong, or offensive.

But this is who I am.  I whole-heartedly put myself out there, all my vulnerabilities, all my weaknesses and hurts – I lay it all out like smoothing the wrinkles out of an old road map.  I unfold myself and stare hunched over a desk (or in this case, laying in bed), I stare at this mess of lines connecting one fate to the next.  I stare and I don’t know what I’m looking at.

It’s just a hat Melanie!  Really?  Come on now, road map over a hat?

Give me a topic, any topic.  I’ll write the shit out of it.  It doesn’t even have to make sense.

I see the plain truth to the world, and it weakens my heart.  There are so few people out there who just don’t give a fuck – I want to meet those others!  How freaking cool would that be!  Well, they give a fuck about the important things.  Things that matter.  A persons hat choice should not matter!

Everyone’s scared to be individuals.  How am I the only one who see’s this?  Screw queer eye for the straight guy.  Those fashionably expensive clothes are made by little cut up fingers under the pounding needle of a sewing machine for under 20 cents an hour.  And that’s the irrefutable truth!

People hide their shame with nice clothes and with buying new cars, big houses and earning fat paychecks, paying for trophy spouses.  I wear my shame like a proud badge of honer.  No, I’m not perfect despite popular belief but guess what?  I don’t give a fuck.

Free the world of ridicule and liberate my hat!

australian hat

Sad lonely women wear wedding dresses in the secrecy of their homes.  Staring longingly into a full length mirror and into their unrealized dreams of being loved for life.

While I on the other hand, write a bunch of shit that anyone can read, beat my fists against this inhuman cage we call reality and of course, wear my hat and backpack and stare longingly into my mirror with the unrealized dreams of understanding the world and myself.  I’m already loved for life, so screw that crap.

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Melanie on Emotional Abuse

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I love psychology.  I really do.  It’s so important when it comes to understanding people and how they operate.  Once you understand, you can identify it – raising you above the emotional components and onto the higher objectionable view.  By not personifying the situation (getting emotionally involved and tangled in its web), you can see it for what it really is;  A bonafide clusterfuck.

There’s a diagnosis for just about everything and everyone.  There are as many mental disorders as there are bodily diseases.  No one is safe.

I was talking to my client the other day, a spiritual man seeking truth and awakening, and he told me more about Hindu beliefs.

Client – “Can you tell me what it felt like when you did ayahuasca?”

His massage was over and he was putting on his shoes.  I inhaled deeply and exhaled into a stream of conscience rhetoric.  I told him about the layers of awareness and that we are all here to learn.  We learn through suffering, we must let go of everything, there is a heaven, a hell, a God, yadda yadda blah blah, stuff I already wrote about several times over to the point where my ears bleed ayahuasca remnants.

Me – “And I didn’t know anything about the Hindu religion when I did ayahuasca, but I learned a little bit about it after coming back and everything Hinduism says, is exactly what I felt and understood when I was doing ayahuasca.  All the different unmaterialized worlds, the levels of awareness, learning through suffering, reaching Dharma, the highest peak, it was all information that was coming into me.  I was only able to understand the things I was ready to understand, or able to understand.  I would have to gain more levels before I can understand more.”

Client – “Well part of Hinduisms’ teaching is that earth is purgatory for us.  All of us have problems to work through.  We can’t go anywhere else, we keep reincarnating and coming back.”

I don’t know if I believe that.  It can’t be everyone, I don’t believe it’s everyone.  Come on now…And also I believe we have the choice to be reincarnated.  This place is hell compared to heaven (besides ending up in an actual hell world).

Most people adapt and form their character around circumstances.  They don’t know psychology or the terms used to identify their problem(s).  They don’t know philosophy or how to find truth without personifying it.  People grasp at translucent hairs of reason through use of emotions whether they be healthy or damaging emotions.  They rely and base their reasons using the same emotional level of the very thing they’re tying to understand.  It’s a loop that goes round and round.  People don’t know how to let it all go in order to see.

When you’re facing inward looking for answers, you’re not strong enough to see the bigger picture and all it’s profundities.  All you see are the circumstances you’re dealt.  The same circumstances that control your emotions and form your beliefs.  Nothing is done consciously.  Everything is done for survival.

I let my circumstances shape me, I’m not above it.  This is the letting go part.  I found a hidden aspect of my belief system that I have to let go of.  I have to let go of the chemical responses that I became addicted to.  I had a brisk awakening into who I am yesterday while I was massaging somebody’s scalp – it always happens when I massage the scalp!

My mother, when I was growing up, was emotionally abusive.  My brother was emotionally abusive as well.  Now, I love these people, I always loved them, but I was a tormented troubled kid.  They loved me and cared about me, so they tried to control me.  But they did it with emotional abuse.  By keeping me small-minded and tamed.  They wanted me to cling to them for safety.

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That’s a picture of me and my tyrannical mother.  If I had a kid that cute and sweet I would go a little ape shit too.  You always hurt the one’s you love.  And I totally understand where my mom was coming from.  She herself survived an abusive childhood.  I won’t get into her story, but it was intense to say the least.  She know’s how harsh this world can be and wanted to protect her little one with a few slaps to the head.

I grew to believe that taking abuse meant people cared about me, so I let it happen and willingly taken the blame for everything.  I always reflected on my mistakes and where I can change.  I listened to peoples criticisms because I thought they knew better.  I thought they knew better because I was never respected as a kid.  I grew into having an inferiority complex.  And started believing every negative thing ever said to or about me.

It’s because of my inferiority complex that keeps me in abusive relationships.  Their dominance over me somehow satisfies my desire to be controlled and cared for.

It was only during the start of last year when I began to break free and gain control of myself.  It was the great purge of 2012 is what I’m calling it.  It entailed great suffering on my part.

Anyway, things are looking clearer and brighter.  Now that I’m reading more about psychology, I have linear definitions to psychosis’ – not just my own elusive thoughts and reasoning.  I can stick a pin and diagnose what it is.  Diagnosis and terminology are very powerful antidotes to confusion.  The way K treated me in Nepal was text-book emotional abuse.  Humiliation in front of people, insults, verbal abuse, feeling worthless, walking on egg shells, feeling like I should be blamed, that I’m a burden and should be thankful to even be included in such a “wonderful” experience.

I scrolled through some topics on emotional abuse last night and it was like going through a check list – ALL were checked off.

Me – “Hole – lee – shit.”

They also said it starts with resentment.  K resented me and it built up over time leading to an explosion.  I felt like I needed to please her, to show that I’m trying and that I care – I became emotionally needy of her approval just as it is written in several articles about emotional abuse victims.  The person being abused becomes emotionally needy – not able to give enough or prove enough, always striving to please.  It’s what keeps me in the cycle of abuse.  It’s how they hold me in their web.

That’s what these people wanted most – for me to need them.

All my life I’ve dealt with these people.  Why?  Are they everywhere or am I just attracted to them because of my own childhood abuse?

It’s like everyone is caught up in a delusion.  And that delusion can destroy a person.  Resentment is a plague upon the mind – it eats up your time, eats up your heart and makes you crazy and mean.  If only people can lift the veil up over their eyes so they can see and take part in happiness and well-being.  Happiness and well-being is NOT boring.  It free’s your mind to let the good stuff in.  You become smarter, younger, able to solve problems because you can see them from a higher perspective.  And you’re able to laugh!  You can laugh at all those idiots wanking on each other in a cynical abusive circle-jerk.

Sure makes me want to drink beer though…

I’m sure there are moments when abusers are able to unveil and let go – to see reality.  But then something triggers them and they fall back into abusing as if that other world was the illusion, not their world.  The “illusion” world felt too good to be true.  It doesn’t fit into the matrix of their past experiences.  The matrix of their past see’s patterns everywhere.  It pulls the wool over their eyes, dampers reality, and they submit to their pattern-seeking survival mode of self-preservation.  Everything is relative and everything connects.

If there’s an emotionally abusive person reading this, ask yourself why?  What triggers your mood swings?  From what I read last night, anything that compromises your self-worth is a trigger.  Any time you feel humiliated, degraded, over-looked, threatened, treated poorly – all spur extremely high negative emotions that spiral into anger, hate, resentment.  These are not pleasant things to feel, so why do people feel them?  Because they feel they are right and their world is whats real.  They end up living everyday in pain and delusion.

How did this happen to them?  Because they are victims themselves.  They were belittled and emotionally / physically abused at some point in their lives.  They had an abuser that got in their head and made them feel worthless, stupid, or ugly.  They became emotionally needy of others, and started lashing out whenever they felt they were being mistreated.  Instead of taking abuse, these people flipped the coin into the far opposite end of the spectrum and became the abusers.  Their victims became an outlet to place their own resentment.

And being the victim is no better.  When a victim is caught in their web, being emotionally needy, believing they are unloveable – they are essentially using the same emotional level that their abuser is using.  They are fully in it.  It’s a cycle.  An endless tug of war.

We are living in the entitlement era.  Everyone’s self-worth has skyrocketed beyond politic humility.  Everyone feels they deserve to be happy, to be treated good and fair and that everyone should pitch in to ensure their entitled well-being.  They blame others for their own mistakes because it’s not feasible that a sensible person such as themselves can ever be wrong.

It’s a fast paced world of instant gratification.  No time for reflection, just the next scoop of ice-cream, change the channel on the tv, masterbate to whatever hits your fancy on the discreet inter-web of limitless entertainment and folly.

Everything is instant.  No room for new thought or self discovery – just survive and be happy and whoever takes away your self-worth must suffer the consequences.

Abusers usually hide their abuse and only take it out on a special few, but in their world, anyone can be a target.

These people like to judge.  Judgement puts them in a higher position and they are able to control and navigate better.  If they see someone below them, whether the person is ugly, stupid or unsuccessful, the abuser feels contempt for them.  A sort of disgust.  If a person is equal to them in status, they feel anger.  And if a person has higher status, they feel resentment.

In today’s society, this behavior is prevalent everywhere.  The more entitled we feel, the further we move away from compassion and God, our source of self-love and awareness.

If a person is deemed ugly, heavy, or inelegant – that person will feel their self-worth plummet and they too will become abusive people seeking higher status and self-worth.

If a person is deemed handsome or beautiful, they will feel above everyone and feel entitled to be treated better than average.  And no one of lower status should get the same treatment as they do.

It’s insane!  Am I just being nuts here or what?  This shit is  E V E R Y W H E R E.

And of course it leads into narcissism, needing a supply and what-not, but that’s yet another fecal fest.

Shit just got real here people.  Open your eyes and take a good hard look at your crapulous self and ask if you’re the person you think you are.

Whew, okay I think I’m done for the night.  Stick a fork in me.  I either spewed truth and righteousness or I’m a ranting raving lunatic, it’s hard to tell.

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Melanie on Gun Control

This is a huge topic now-a-days since the elementary school shooting that took place 10 days ago.  Shootings happen all the time, in malls, colleges, post offices, but the people slain have to be really short and really cute for gun control laws to spark a debate.  I don’t often write about politics, but I can’t resist this one.

Um Okay, where to start…..

Basically, I believe in individualism.  To each his own.  The more the government intervenes, the more power they have over us.  And without our freedoms, people will evolve into dependent slaves seeking their “entitled” cut.  Everyone becomes spoiled and stagnant.

I’m not a fan of government intervention, or changing the Constitution.  Unless of course we’re talking about that unlawful 18th amendment.  Women bitched and moaned about not having any rights, while the men lollygagged and drank themselves silly.  But as soon as the alcohol ran dry, women could no longer be tuned out.  So I guess the 18th amendment served it’s purpose after all.  After a long struggle with many bitch slaps, we got our way two years after the start of prohibition.  It’s easier to give women what they want rather than listening to them bitch while you’re sober.

Anyway, this post is dedicated to our second amendment.  The right to bear arms.  Call me crazy here, but have you seen the guns of the 1780’s?  They took about five minutes to load.  One bullet at a time.  If the founding fathers saw our guns today – would they still say everyone has a right to them?

There are approximately 300,000,000 guns in the US.  One per citizen.  About 99.99% are never used lethally.  40% of these guns are sold on the black market by private owners who don’t do background checks.  Something about these numbers irks me.  There are way too many guns circulating!  The more guns, the more fatalities.  Just like with cars – the more cars on the road, the more accidents.  It’s simple math – simple statistics. People should not need/want/feel they should own more than one gun.  And if they do own a gun, it shouldn’t be a military assault rifle!

Why would anyone want to own more than one gun?  Let’s look at those people.  When buying more than one gun, is it still purchased for safety reasons?  Or is it purchased out of some delusional paranoia?  These people can very well be paranoid fear breeders.  The kind of person who would actually use a gun to harm somebody – anybody who messes with them.  They are power and control seekers.  It’s not about safety anymore, it’s about control.  Gun shopping on the weekends, hoarding bullets, bullet proof vests….What are these people expecting to accomplish by accumulating a small arsenal of highly deadly weapons?  These are the people that should be monitored.

Sure there are responsible adults out there that respect the power of guns, but accidents do happen.  Carelessness happens, fear and paranoia happen to the best of us.  The more guns, the more accidents and violence.

It’s one thing to have a cool interesting hobby, but the intentions and motivation for their “hobby” is what troubles me.

I know there are collectors out there, and people who inherited guns owned by their deceased relatives, sure that’s fine.  There’s always a story and way to explain all the guns in your house.  But when does it get to the point where they can’t be explained?

In our current American culture, guns will not be abolished.  They will never be abolished because we are not peaceful people.  As long as we are driven by fear – locking our doors, keeping kids inside to play, being scared of a passerby walking down a dark deserted alleyway, we will continue to bear arms.

From my viewpoint, I don’t see abolishment happening anytime soon.  I’m being realistic.  Our culture is chock full of scumbags.  We are a violent and deranged society.

When the government intervenes, there will always be an opposing, equally powerful force that counter-acts.  It’s all a game really, when you immerse yourself in a narrow-minded belief system, it becomes a game of tug of war – two opposing forces.  Using force, not peace to solve the problem.

When the government intervenes, they fail to see the circular logic.

Statistically, the poor show more gun violence, so let’s spread the wealth.  But spreading the wealth entitles people and makes them lazy – it keeps them poor.  Plus they have all that extra money now for even more guns and drugs….

The government cracks down on the fight against drugs, incarcerating people and ruining their future – keeping their families poor violent gunslingers waiting for their entitled handouts.

If they got rid of automatic military-grade assualt weapons, people will counter-act with buying up an arsenal of small legal guns.  But no matter what gun they use, whether it be assault rifles or single shot pistol, it still only takes one bullet – they are equally deadly.  Their house can still be broken into and have those little single shot pistols allocated to the kids that broke in.

It’s circular logic.  They need to stop fighting and start educating.  Many people say these massacre’s happen because God is no longer in the classroom.  I believe if God is placed back in the school’s curriculum, they need to teach all religions, not just the one.  Which I can’t foresee happening, so let’s keep reasonable here.

I think psychology and philosophy are HUGE.  Psychology being the science of how our brains work, and philosophy is the study of why our brains work.  Philosophy is the substance, while psychology is the tool.  Psychology is truth and philosophy the meaning.

They should teach psychology as soon as the kid enters pre-school.  Psychology should be part of a students curriculum from day one.  Nothing is more important than to learn why/how/and who we are.  It’s actualization, it’s creativity and knowing.  It’s creating yourself before the circumstances you are born into has the chance of shaping you unknowingly.  The child can learn to love and accept their parents once they can see and understand their faults.  They can love them instead of fight them because they understand and gain compassion.

And quite possibly it can even derail bullying.  Bullying is a form of abuse and it’s way overlooked.  The bully can learn psychology so they won’t need a psychologist.  That’s my reasoning at least….

Philosophy can let the child think freely and creatively on their own.  Giving them power, choice and meaning.  Everyone has a little philosopher in them waiting to emerge.

The government needs to stop fighting, stop controlling and start educating.  The pursuit of knowledge should be taught as the most vital currency.  The more knowledge a person has, the more compassionate.

The government plays on our hearts – pulls our heart strings with altruism.  They use our own guilty conscience against us.  That’s why many of us say it’s okay for them to spread the wealth, it’s okay to abolish guns – it’s being an altruistic American.  But I strongly believe it should be our choice.  We should want to help the poor and we should feel safe enough to not want a gun.  Taking our choices away does not change what’s in our hearts.  It only reinforces our lack to exist for ourselves.

No one ever existed for their own good.  It’s always “exist for the church, exist for the military, exist for the poor, exist to feed your family” – when do we exist for ourselves?  Altruism is not realistic unless you, yourself chooses to starve and live on the streets.

Ayahuasca taught me “To each his own.” But she also taught me that giving is everything.  The way I deciphered these two independent epiphanies is that I should treat others as I would like to be treated, and that person has the free will to do as they please with what I give.  I can not force, can not judge, only hope they choose what’s right.  What’s right for them, not what’s right for me.

That is the answer there.  To educate and not force.  To allow choice and freedom because the alternative is a narrow-minded trap of illogical circular control.  We have to rise above it, not immerse ourselves in the battle (endless tug of war), but rise above.  With each new generation, we can change, grow and evolve into a loving safe world.

We are not the government, we are people.  The government should be the people.  We should be given the respect and the rights to control ourselves.

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