Tag Archives: random thoughts

Melanie searches for her bliss

Ernest Hemingway's 1923 passport photo

Ernest Hemingway’s 1923 passport photo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I feel great today!  Yesterday I was coughin’ my way into a coffin, but today the sun is shining and I feel fantastic.  I don’t want to be here in work.  Think Santiago, think Madrid.  This is why I’m here today.

Arggg……work…..

I’m in the dungeon of my office building.  Amy called it the rape room.  I’m trying to figure out if I truly want to do this for the rest of my life and the answer is no – heck no!

Follow your bliss Melanie.

I’ll always have this office.  It’s a good thing having a trade to fall back on – And it puts me in a perfect place in my timeline where I can afford to spread my wings.

I came across a really great quote by Rumi the other day;

“Knock, And He’ll open the door

Vanish, And He’ll make you shine like the sun

Fall, And He’ll raise you to the heavens

Become nothing, And He’ll turn you into everything.”

If I were to break it down Melanie style, it would go something like this:

“Knock, And He’ll open the door”

You want change, but don’t know what direction to take.  If you pay attention to the signs and follow your heart, doors will open.

“Vanish, And He’ll make you shine like the sun”

Lose your ego.  Lose all negativity and sense of control.  Want nothing and desire nothing and it’s there where you’ll feel as radiant as the sun.

“Fall, And He’ll raise you to the heavens”

Let yourself go and have trust and faith in knowing that everything will always be okay.  

“Become nothing, And He’ll turn you into everything.”

Don’t be caught in the illusion of believing that you’re more special than everyone else.  Be clear, simplify your mind – be humble.  Lose your ego and you become one with everything.

My first client just canceled.  There goes $75 bucks…

I have one more today so it’s not a complete loss.

You know what my problem is?  I’m too damn interested in everything!  I want to do and become everything and everyone.  I want to travel, to write, be a psychologist, take a class on philosophy, ancient myths, learn chemistry, biology, archeology, learn how to be an EMT, be Hemingway, be Picasso, be rich.

The friction of the duality rub is what slows me down.  What’s in my heart can’t happen in the physical – it’s too much work, too much time that I don’t have, too many excuses such as, “will this truly make me happy?  Is it worth it?”

I want to learn basically.  I want to learn enough where I can create something amazing.  The question is, what do I want to create?  That’s a question I’ll take with me on the Camino – it’s the perfect question!

What do I want to create?  What will truly make me happy for the rest of my life?

I love games and puzzles.  I need to find a job that requires putting pieces together.  I love games because I love having a purpose.  The purpose is to win.  You conquer the game, you conquer yourself.  It takes knowledge to do it.

The reason why I’m probing this is because one of my clients told me about edx.org.  It’s a non-profit online college that’s offering free classes.  Everything is free and available to anyone with an internet connection.  You don’t get credits, but you get certificates of mastery.  The participating colleges are spending millions of dollars to teach people who want to learn just for the sake of learning.

I’m not a fan of higher education these days.  They made it into one big money making industry.  People get stuck with tuition bills for the rest of their lives!  Not only that, but they land in a job they’re stuck with indefinitely.  It’s like signing my own prison sentence.  No, no thanks.  Not for me.  But neither is marriage and kids, so I’m an odd ball.

But it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to learn, or am incapable of learning.  I just do it in a real world way, you know?  If I’m curious about something, I go out and participate in it.  Classes are too contained and conventional.  It’s not real – it’s all about money.

But this free online thing is perfect!  I can get a glimpse of these subjects before I commit my life to any of them.  And isn’t that what I’m most afraid of?  Commitment?

After Spain, I’m going to invest in rental properties, sign up for free online classes, work on mastering watercolors and I’ll take it from there. By the time I figure out what makes me happy, I’ll have enough money to invest in the cog of higher education.

And believe it or not, that plan makes me truly happy.

“The only Zen you find on tops of mountains is the Zen you bring there.”

From the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

by Robert M. Pirsig

(I read it, it’s a really good book!)

Okay client where are you?  I’m ready.

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Learning is Believing and Seeing is Creating

I only have one more watercolor class left until it’s all over.  I love this class –  I really love it.  I love the ladies, the instructor, and the woman sitting next to me who can’t handle criticism.  I can see myself in all of them.

People become vulnerable when learning or doing something new, and if you look close enough, you can see your own reflection in their fears and weaknesses.

I’m only able to see myself with the help of others.  It’s like I see myself in them and understand that if I don’t like what I see, I can change it in myself.  I can change it because I know myself.

My mother was the first person whom I learned this from.  I was only a kid, maybe 6 or 7.  I learned that she was unable to see the person she became.  I kept thinking over and over, “If only she can hear herself.  If only she can see herself…..”

I became enamored with our old Sony camcorder bought in 1988.  I was 8 years old lugging that big thing on my thin bony shoulder.  I wanted to capture the true nature of people – the parts they miss out seeing while being in their first person perspective.  I became the one responsible for recording video at all family functions.  My high-pitched squeak voice narrated.  I was rarely seen in our home video’s, only heard.

Creating yourself is about seeing yourself, whether you like what you see or not.

That’s why I believe art to be self-actualized.

I’ve always been somewhat good at artsy things.  I don’t consider it being a natural talent – there’s no such thing as natural talent.  Natural talent can’t be explained, but the way we learn can be explained.  It’s not only about how we learn that brings about talent, but also the passion we have for our endeavors mixed with the belief in knowing that we’re good enough.  No limits.

However, ayahuasca told me that I do possess unique talents.  Perhaps she was talking about my ability to understand how to create.  Patience and a steady hand, but the most important thing being:  Don’t take it seriously!

I hate to bring up ego again but, seriousness breeds itself in the ego.  It’s judgment of yourself and of others.  It’s void of trusting and believing in yourself – it’s your fears incarnate.

It’s only when you let go of being serious, you are able to play and have fun.

All the ladies in the class are taking watercolor too seriously.  They’re afraid of every brush stroke, while I’m sitting there cross-legged on my chair, thumbs in the thumbholes of my hoodie, daintily daunting the paper with the tip of my brush and thinking – “whatever happens, happens.  I’m having fun!”

This is the part of my personality that can be annoying.  My ability to just not give a shit, and at the same time, showcase talent.  Why can’t people put these two together?!

Relinquish your need to control.  You will never be able to control your fears.  Let it go.

Everything will be okay in time.  In time, I will get good.  Also, when you let your ego govern you, you’re not learning anything.  All you see are mistakes and frustration – that’s not playing and when you’re not playing, you’re not learning.

Anyway, my big trip is approaching.  Peyote in Arizona and then hiking 500 miles in Spain.  All I want to do is sit on the toilet to stop myself from shitting my pants.  I’m not a traveler – I don’t do things like this.  Especially not alone or without a guide.  I’m 33 years old and I still live downstairs from my parents!

They don’t know I’m going by myself.  And I assure you, I am NOT smart.  But stupid people have the best adventures, right?

On top of all that, my stupid-ass managed to get uninvited to go on vacation with my old friends – the same friends I grew up with thinking that they were the only friends I would ever need.  I was uninvited as quickly as I was invited.  Why?  Because I wanted to make sure they actually wanted me to go.  And as it turns out, they don’t.

My heart feels the physical pangs of hurt (even though I didn’t think that was possible anymore), isolation and fear.  Unwillingness to believe it’s possible to be abandoned all over again – how can it be?  What did I do?  I have to accept it.  I have to deal with it.  But shit, it hurts.

But I also feel courage.  I have courage and faith.  And I know for certain that there’s nothing more important to me right now than going on this trip.  This is my life – this is exactly what I want to do with my life.

I flipped thru my journal from Colombia earlier today.  I wrote while I was toked up on ayahuasca and another time with yopo.  Why not share some pages with you?  Hell, you know everything else there is to know about me….20130403-020703.jpg20130403-020621.jpg

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Huh I just re-read a paragraph and it makes me think once again that everyone here living on this planet are here because they are fearful.  EVERYONE!  The only way out of it is faith.  To have faith, suffering to attain that faith, and become strong and light.  My faith is still shakeable, but I’m getting there.  Compassion Melanie.  Must remember compassion, being humble and open.  This world is fantasy.  Believe.

I am a light spirit.  No no scratch that.  I am thee light spirit.

Okay, being thee light spirit isn’t humble, but I’m playing in my ego which is totally okay so long as I know it’s just a delusion.

I know I sound crazy but I’ve been reading other spiritual teachers and let me just tell you hole-lee-shit it’s everywhere.  It ain’t just me.  And the SAME insights no less!

It’s profound.  Completely profound.  My heart thumps in awe after having crawled out of its slimy container of grief.  I really am beautiful.  We all are.

So hang in there old girl, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

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I’m 33 in this year of the black snake

Love ? I love love love you.

Love ? I love love love you. (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

Yesterday was my birthday so one of my near and dear’s called me up to wish me well.

I’m not big on birthdays.  I feel that I should not be celebrated or held on high.  When people get together to celebrate me, I groan in guilt knowing that I don’t deserve any of it.

My friend on the phone yesterday said so many nice things to me.  Before she called, I was feeling down and having a hard coping day with unwarranted feelings of loneliness.  I kept telling myself “It’s only because it’s my birthday.  That’s why I’m feeling like this.  Calm down and let it pass, let it pass.  It doesn’t help that it’s Valentines day either.”

But then she called and filled my lonely heart with love and praise.  Praise that I don’t deserve, praise that I don’t trust or feel entitled to.  After talking to her, I got off the phone feeling bigger than the sun does shine.

“Don’t feel big Mel, let yourself feel good, not big.  That loneliness and worthlessness can come about again and it only comes about when the feeling of big wears off.  It’s not real, it’s not lasting.  Love’s lasting.”

Birthdays give me the jitters.  They make me anxious.  I went out to dinner with a few friends who were all being so nice and loving, and again, I was having the feeling that I don’t deserve them.  Dave was there, and L – the girl I wrote horrible things about.  Both of them loving me and forgiving everything because that’s what friends do, they let go and forgive – it’s easy when real love is there and not just the illusion of it – the apparitional love that’s formed by fear and need.

When real love is present, there can be no resentment, no jealousy, no war or judgement.

We went to Billy O’s after dinner.  I knew almost everyone there, and all of them wishing me a happy birthday and buying me drinks and shots.  I felt so big, so loved.  I showered everyone with appreciation and gratitude because that was all I had.  If I didn’t give back, I wouldn’t be able to receive anything.  There would be a blockage, no flow or exchange.  I wouldn’t be able to let anyone into my heart.  And isn’t that what matters most in life?  Isn’t that the stuff that keeps darkness at bay?

Love is all there is.  All that really matters.  And I’m slowly learning how to let others love me.

I mulled this over while massaging my last client.  I let myself slip in and out of being with ego and then being without.  It was trippy.

Holy shit I’m tired.  Good lord.  I massaged my ass off along with everyone else’s today.  I made $280 today – SHIT!  I mean seriously, you got to be shitting me here.  Can it really be this easy?

I’m so tired, so unbelievably hungry since I hadn’t had time to eat today and I have to go to the bathroom so bad that I’m starting to smell like an old diaper.  Gross.

I don’t want to move.  I drank the entire ocean last night and then some.

I have so much to write, but it’s not going to happen tonight.  It’s for the best anyway.  I’m being super cheesy and sentimental these days.

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Today Melanie discusses the “real” world and feelings of loneliness

I blew off a friend last night.  I always end up carrying a tremendous amount of guilt whenever I do this.  I usually cave in and meet them out just to avoid the weight of guilt.

This part of my personality always bothered me.  Everyone else can seemingly ditch others without batting an eye or thinking twice.  Why is it me who suffers more than the person I’m ditching?  And why is it so easy for others to do this?

A while ago I wrote about my friend Dave.  He’s living in a crappy apartment, barely scraping by with minimum wage work, doesn’t own a car, and his mother brings him McDonalds for dinner.

I think about this guy every single day.  Every day that goes by without me calling him, I feel a tug on my heart and my conscience.  But he is a person who needs and wants too much.

Dave’s father was and still is a scumbag who abandoned his family when little Dave was maybe 10 years old.  This abandonment cost him his childhood and exposed him to the harsh “real” world that I myself don’t wish to experience.  He got a glimpse early on.

Dave was never able to let go of his past and forgive his father, thus creating the life he has now – reaching out to anyone who can comfort and hold him.  He sets high expectations and standards from those he considers closest to him as a way to avoid being hurt again.  The person who can hurt him the most, is the one he loves the most.  He asserts his power and control just as it was with Amy (only not as harsh).

I came to realize that this so-called “real world” that people claim to live in, is actually a world based on fear.  It has nothing to do with going to school and getting a decent job so you can work the rest of your life just to survive and pay bills, although most people think that’s what it is, it really isn’t.  Working to pay bills in order to survive is not the reason why this world is considered harsh.  It’s bandaid logic.  It covers up the wound that’s festering beneath the facade of superficial status of power and control.  Or in Dave’s case, the facade of being stuck and helpless.

Let’s step back a minute and look at what’s really happening here.  Why does the world get harsh all of a sudden?  It happens to most people when they graduate and take on responsibilities such as paying rent and dealing with work woe’s.  They experienced loss of youth, loss of friends and family.  Their safety net is no longer there to catch them.  They feel extreme loss of their original contained world, and are now left to fend for themselves.  They hold onto the past for comfort, never letting go of the pains and joys they experienced during a time when life still made sense.  They suffer from a loneliness that can only be remedied by a person who makes them feel complete and whole.  Their world makes sense again and they feel safe in knowing that they are loved and not alone.  They form their own safety net to catch them when they fall.

The stronger the love, the easier it is to get through the day.  But for most people, the fear never leaves.  They become consumed with work.  They are rewarded with status and so they work more.  They take the love of their spouse (or from whomever feeds them power) and uses it to fuel their esteem and confidence, making them feel special and that they matter.

But it will never be enough for these people.  They’ll always keep reaching out for more and more, never defeating the fear.  It’s circular.  It’s like the temporal causality loop that theorizes one thing can not exist without the other.  We work hard at our jobs thus feeding the fear, the fear makes us work hard to feed the fear.  Once you understand this, you can step out of it.  Especially if you’re in a miserable job that you hate waking up to everyday for the rest of your life.

The world doesn’t have to be this way!  This IS a cruel hard world if you view and treat it as such.

I’m still very much a child that never grew up into this “harsh” world I hear so much about.  I experienced loss, isolation and being cast aside, but I never let it consume me.  I never caved into it.  I felt the fear of having no safety net – I envisioned it and felt it’s power and that the only stable thing there is in the world, is family.  Love your brothers and sisters because they’re the only one’s who’ll be there in the end.  I felt all that!

But anything that grows out of the fertilized soil of fear, is an illusion.  Feeling alone and helpless is also an illusion.  We are NEVER alone!  And each one of us matters despite what others might think or tell you.

I haven’t spoken to Dave after that night I went over his place.  I’m busy, yes, but I’m also nobody’s savior.  No one should be a savior to anyone.  Feeling important only because a person makes you feel important, is using the ego that binds us here.  If you feel important simply because others define you as important, you’re also giving them power to define you in a negative light.  If a person despises you and thinks little of you, you also let that in – and you believe it.  You take the good with the bad and pray the good wins out and keeps you on top.  It becomes a game.  You try to control your environment and the people in it.  You feel entitled to your slice, feeling you earned it.  But in all actuality, you earned it off the backs of those who loved you the most.

I see this so clearly.  So profoundly clear.  I also see that it’s in everyone to do this.  We are all sinners not trusting God.

Our thoughts are consuming.  They are repetitive and feed emotions, feeding into fear, hate, love, despair.  If everyone can only stop thinking!  That’s the one thing I always told Amy to stop doing.  Anytime she started laying in on me, I would tell her to stop thinking about it because none of it was real.  But her past experiences were so ingrained that they taken over and did the thinking for her.  She tried to stay in control, stay on top, work hard to live in this real world that I’m not seeing.  She wanted me to see it so badly, so I can feel the fear that she feels.  If I felt the fear, I can cling to her for guidance so neither of us would be alone and we can be strong for each other, always there.

I don’t play that game.  I never played by the rules anyway.

Ayahuasca told me that I’m strong.  So unbelievably strong and talented.  So I asked her, “then why aren’t I smarter?”

Aya – “Your brain wouldn’t be able to handle the overload.  You would lose your mind.  Do yoga.”

My roommates from the ayahuasca Colombian retreat are there again as I sit here writing.  They wanted me to join them so badly.  Even the organizer of the group called me telling me he’d give me a discounted rate – all of them just really wanted me there.  But it’s not my time yet.  After the Camino I feel will be my time again.

This is an example of how we should never be thought of as being alone.  I met these people one time and lived with them for 7 days and a family developed.  And this family will always be here.  They will always be here regardless if I ever see them again, they are here and there’s a connection.  I don’t need them, I don’t want anything from them, but they are always and will be forever in my heart and I in theirs.  With this understanding, we can never be truly alone.

Everyone I meet, I carry with me forever loving them.  Dave may think I abandoned him again and so now I must pay the price, I must be punished.  But in heart, I’m still here with him, will ALWAYS be here with him and love him.  Same goes for Amy and everyone else I don’t see day to day.  I never leave.

My deceased relatives never leave either.  The memory of them, the past that is still alive – that love never dies, never fades.  What happened in the past can never be taken back and that’s including any love you experienced.  It stays in you.  And that’s the stuff worth keeping, worth remembering.  It’s what strength and courage are made from.

So, this guilt I have over ditching people, I feel the guilt of hurting them and exposing them to that harsh world they created through their own fears of abandonment.  I aided in creating that world.  I made them feel alone.  I contributed to that cycle of fear – but it’s a fear that can never be satiated.  No matter what I do, no matter how much I give, it will never be enough.

I’m tired world.  Let me walk these 500 miles in solo.  On my long walk, I shall carry you in my heart.  I walk for us all.  I walk for us sinners and sufferers.

Wow Mel….You are such a bullshitter!

Did I just call myself out on my own bullshit?  Can that happen?  Oh damn I am a bullshitter aren’t I?

Let’s just pretend I’m not bullshitting here and I’m being totally honest, what would be the point of dedicating my walk to all those assholes anyways?  What would it accomplish?  I’m not doing it, I changed my mind, screw that shit.  It’s my camino, I’m walking it for myself.

I just got done massaging for the last 3 hours non-stop and I’m completely drained.  I told myself over and over after my last client left;

“Just go home Melanie, go home.  Put clean sheets on the table, shut off the heat, iPod, salt lamp, table warmer, pack up your dirty sheets, collect tips out of tip box..go home.  Just go home.  You need sleep.”

“Damn I’m hungry I just want some crackers right quick.”

“NO!  If you stay for crackers, you’ll stay for your blog.  DO NOT EAT THE CRACKERS!”

“Oh I forgot I brought strawberries to work yesterday!  I need to at least bring them home before they are forgotten.  I should probably eat them before they go bad.”

“Okay, you can eat the strawberries.”

“And a few crackers?”

“Yes and a few crackers.  Screw it, screw everyone and fucking type you scribbling idjit!”

And that’s where I am right now.  My client left 20 minutes ago, and now I’m hungry and pissy.

Anyway, all that bullshit I written, is any of it truE?  The one and only truth so help me God?  No, of course not.  To me it feels true, but what the hell do I know?  I don’t know anything, or believe in anything.  My perceptions are not chiseled in stone.  But they do however, make me feel better.

It might not be your way, or the right way, the true way, but it’s my way.  It’s my Camino way.  I’m ready for it lock, stock and barrel.  Bring it.

Oh and by the by, feeling guilty sucks.  It’s feeling like you’ve done something wrong.  It’s feeling like I’m harming people, and something must be changed about me.  But I noticed that it’s all those idjits out there who replace their feelings of guilt with anger.  They place the blame on others to lift their own burdens.  I know this because I felt myself going there, trying to reason it out.  It’s that damn pesky brain with its wheels churning (or in my case, a hamster running on his wheel) and spewing out shit.  Reasoning things out to your own liking, is not mindful, respectful or considerate.  Placing blame on others in order to deflect responsibility is what starts wars!  Where there is blame, there is anger and then eventual hate, prejudice, inequality, division of classes….

If only people can open their effin’ eyes and take responsibility for their actions, this world would be a better place.  I mean come on now, it’s common sense, right?  Inequality breeds violence!

Sheeeit….

People are buffoons, complete idjIts I tell you, IDJITS!

This post wouldn’t be here if I didn’t forget to bring my book with me to work today.

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Melanie the nerd talks about boobs in her face. This is from a nerds perspective. She also talks about idiots and a whole bunch of other stuff. Enjoy!

English: Nerd Deutsch: Nerd

English: Nerd Deutsch: Nerd (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m on page 100 of “To the Field of Stars” and it’s an awesome book to say the least.  It does its job of painting whats in store for me on the Camino road ahead.

I’m sitting here waiting for my next client.  They’ll be here any minute.  I don’t want to massage!  I want the entire day to myself to read and bullshit on my blog.

The man who wrote To the Field of Stars sounds an awful lot like me.  He’s a friendly chap, loves a good chat, loves humanity and compassionate people, but he, like myself, gets annoyed by others.

Here’s the dark truth to my nature;  Do you want to hear it?  Are you ready?  People annoy the fuck out of me to the point where I can’t stand their company unless I pour a shit ton of liquor down my pie hole.  The more differences we have, the more I want to distance myself. And I’m talking about good, wholesome people too.  Not just the assholes.

The thing is, in order for me to connect with a person, they have to be themselves.  They have to be authentic, genuine, self-aware and considerate.  It’s simple to connect with me as long as you’re being who you are.  The farther you stray from yourself, the farther I stray from you.  It’s that simple.  I can’t stand liars, stubborn people, complainers, buyers of $600 purses, people who talk endlessly about themselves who don’t let me get a word in edge wise. I can’t stand people who take and keep taking, whose needs are impossible to meet.

I move away.

As crazy as it sounds, my buddy Dave and I connect.  Despite everything he does.  I mean it when I say I can connect with anyone as long as they’re being themselves.  And Dave is always himself.

It’s so easy, but people make it complicated.  Everyone needs to let go of their fear of embarrassment.  By judging themselves less, they are more open to others.

I meet a lot of people in my profession.  I mean, up close and personal kind of “meet.”

“Hi I’m Melanie it’s nice to meet you.  Now take off all your clothes and lay on my bed while I give you a thorough touching.”

Okay, I don’t actually say that.  I don’t actually call my massage table a bed.

It’s just that I meet so many people, that it’s starting to feel as if I’m becoming more of a fixture than an ever-evolving person of substance.  I’m a barometer when it comes to people’s authenticity – a GPS in telling just how far away they have moved from reality.  I am the immovable line, like a horizon.  I become the base point, the listener, the teacher.  I don’t flinch while other people’s shit pass over me.

I sit quietly listening to them with the stillness of my lucid, forgiving eyes and assess their anxieties, their stress, their emotions – I see it all.  I see everything.  And I know exactly what everyone needs.

I just want to shake them until they come to their senses.

“Okay stop.  Please just stop.  I know, I know, I hear ya, life sucks.  But please shut up.  Come here.  Right here and look me in the eyes and stop looking inward.  Just shut the fuck up and look at me!  This is all there is.  Right now.”

I don’t like to be needed by anyone, and I don’t like people disrespecting my need for solitude.  The people most damaged are usually the ones who sap up all my gravy.  I can only handle them in small doses.  Like, one hour increments.

Not everyone is crazy, and I don’t always need to liquor myself up.  But people have untouched places inside of them.  A place that forms their intentions, a place where need and fear stem.  If they ignore that place in them, they will never know true freedom or true honesty.

I can see these blind spots.  I can see people’s true intentions, know their stresses, their needs,  and secret manipulations.  When a person is unable to see this part of themselves, and continue in their grand illusion of “controlling” what’s around them, I can’t be around them.  I shrug my shoulders and say “whats the point?”  There will never be a point.  There will never be a connection.  The relationship has no meaning, no substance and instead, becomes a game of who’s on top – who has power – who’s needed more, loved more.  This game people play ultimately leads to resentment. When resentment happens, all is lost and everything’s taken away.  Both parties lose because both are at fault.

I can’t hang out with idiots.  They drain me.  I physically feel my energy being pulled away.

Amy was authentic, she was herself and didn’t care what people thought of her.  But she didn’t have control over that blind spot in her.  It consumed her until it became too painful hanging out with me.  She was so blind to that spot, that she didn’t see the true reasons as to why I upset her.  She unconsciously filled in the blanks.  Her brain was trying to make sense of her uneasiness towards me and filled in the missing pieces as to why I was no good, or why I made her feel unsettled.

She was so blind to her own fears, her pain, her needs, that it became impossible for her to ever know the real reasons as to why I hurt her.  But these made up reasons, to her, those reasons were fact – they were very real.  She wasn’t lying and meant every word regarding my inadequacies of being a true, loyal friend and an irresponsible business owner.  And because she believed this so vehemently, made me feel like I should listen and take heart.  I listened until it escalated to the point where all sense was lost.  I snapped back to myself and confronted my own emotional neediness to cling to others out of my own fear of being alone, having no meaning or purpose to living.  I learned once and for all, I learned how to let go.

It’s because of Amy that I gleamed these insights.  I still love her.  She still teaches me.

Dave is authentic and completely aware of everything he does, but does it anyway whether it hurts someone or not.  He ends up hurting himself.  He hurts himself with his own guilt.  But I believe he can change and he know’s that he should.  There is room for improvement in everyone.  The ultimate goal is to achieve happiness and peace of mind.

I’m surprisingly tranquil for someone who is in constant repair.  That’s how I know I’m on the right path.  I am tranquil godammit!

People can learn so much from each other.  Mindful communication, intentional listening, an authentic connection that can only be achieved by allowing yourself to be free.  This is where creation comes from.  It’s love, it’s inspiration.

I just want to be a good person.  No, not just good, but the very best version of myself.  In order to do that, I have to confront my own blind spot.  I have to learn my pain, why I hurt, how maybe it’s possible that I, myself, manipulate out of fear, hurt, need – it pains me to go through this with myself.  It would be so much easier to not see and to just live and float each day hoping to stumble upon meaning (since the meaning has no substance, it’s replaced with control and power).  The way into this undefined meaning, is to steal it from others so you get ahead of the game.  You have a place and a purpose.

But what the hell do I know…..

I’m just a hungover chic who went out to a nudy bar last night and got slapped in the face with fake tits.

It’s so bizarre.  I’ve been asked to go to the Gold Club by two separate people on the same night.  This never happens!  I found it extremely odd, so I had to go.  I just had to.  I never been there before.

I sat up front near the stage in a comfy red swivel chair.  When I leaned back in it, it made me feel like I was a king presiding over important matters in my kingdom.  Sitting back in that chair also made me feel like I was a sleazy scumbag throwing the lowest denominations at a poor dancer who desperately needs the money.  It was empowering me with illusions of having wealth and power.  It’s like wiggling a dollar bill in front of me like a worm on a hook – having no compassion for the girls themselves, only seeing what they can do for me.  It was such a weird feeling.  I felt like an anthropologist learning the ways of human behavior.  It was completely new to me.

And for the record, I WAS compassionate.  I didn’t want anything from them.  I wanted to give them money because I was sitting in the red comfy chair near the stage, it would be rude not to contribute.  I felt like I was at a slot machine and needed to feed it money.  I wanted to give the girls money, but didn’t want them to dance for me.

But they danced for me anyway.  The more they danced, the guiltier I felt for not giving them more.  I was so conflicted.  I knew if I gave them more, they would continue to dance for me.  I was so confused, and during this confusion, a latino woman on stage said to me, “come here baby doll” and she guided my head into her breasts and shook them around.  I felt so guilty and awkward.  I hate that about me.  I unconsciously turned my face away, and as I turned, I felt guilty.  I felt guilty and wanted to give her yet more money.  I shouldn’t have been sitting up there in that big red swivel chair.

I absolutely hate this side of me.  This side of inhibitions.  It’s nearly impossible for me to let go of my inhibitions.  But the question is, if I let them go, would I actually enjoy having boobs in my face?  This question, along with all those other thoughts were occupying every facet of my brain.

“Would I enjoy this if I let go?  How would I know?  What’s keeping me from letting go?”

Shit, that is a whole other topic – a HUGE topic and quite honestly, I’m not up for the task.  But my inhibitions ARE embarrassing me.  They are childish, really.  They are a divider.

By setting your inhibitions scale, are you actually setting your common decency beliefs?  Not letting go out of respect for others?  Or is it about boundaries?  Aren’t setting boundaries a good thing?  I’m just so confused.  Not confused sexually, I know I’m pretty much straight (especially after feeling absolutely no sexual arousal), but I don’t want to be uptight.  Uptight is not fun, it’s not real and it’s limiting.

I want to take a bite out of all this world has to offer.  There is so much of it!

My head hurts.  I’m done thinking out loud for today.

Oh no wait, I just want to point out that strippers actually really like stripping!  They feel powerful, in control, wanted.  While the men, depending on their emotional maturity, also feel powerful, in control and wanted.  The strippers and the watchers feed off each other.  I never knew this about strippers before I seen it for myself.  It makes me feel better about the whole thing.  It makes it okay to let go of my inhibitions because it’s a win win situation and nobody’s getting hurt or degraded (depending on maturity level).

But I can’t let go…

Writing is like sex.

“Yes that’s it oh yeah baby thats the mark right there you nailed it!  Yes yes YES!”

And now just for you my friendly readers, I shall climax (hit the publish).

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Once upon a time there was a meme…

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I discovered a meme maker.  I can sit here for hours playing with it.  I posted the above on my business’ facebook page.

My next client doesn’t arrive for another two hours.  Shall I nap?  Read?  I feel more like reading then writing today.  My brain needs a rest.

Today I woke up at 8 am, arrived to work at 11 and massaged for two hours.  Now I get to sleep or read for 2 hours until I massage for another hour, then go home to my moms home-cooked meal and being $160 richer.  God I love my life.

When I was working at the spa in Cheshire, I would sit there answering phones and washing sheets being completely miserable.  I sat there and became tired, stupid, cranky.  My mind couldn’t focus and I felt helpless – lethargy and melancholy overtook me.  But now I’m sitting here in my own office answering phones and making memes, and yes I’m sleepy, but I’m happy.

Following my heart energizes me and makes me happy.  Progressing and taking action is all that is needed to revitalize.  The same thing happened to me at Massage Envy.  I would sit on the couch waiting for my next client to check in, and I would get extremely tired.  The only thing that refreshed me was taking a break and blogging at Starbucks.  It brought me back to my source, my core – my hidden energy to tap into.

I just need to go to bed earlier.  I stayed up late last night watching new episodes of Merlin on Netflix.

I’m not sure if any of you out there watch Merlin (great show), but there’s a part in it that trouble’s me.  In the first few episodes, Prince Arthur was assumed to marry Morgana, a ward of the castle.  She was believed to be the daughter of the Kings close friend.  But then come to find out Morgana was actually the Kings daughter, princess Morgana and sister to Arthur.

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This troubles me because the King knew the whole time Morgana was his daughter, but still allowed Arthur to pursue and flirt with her.  And the show never addressed this issue!  Why would the King allow his kids to hook up with each other?

Lord I’m such a dork.

But I love mythical shows like this.  I can’t help it.  There’s always a hero and always a villain.  There’s no grey area.  There’s too much grey in real life, too much confusion.  But in shows like this, if you grasp the back story of the villain, you can see what turned them. It’s always greed, or fear, vengeance, envy – lots of envy!  And the villains try to take down the happy good people.  They want what they have.

Show’s like these are a simplified version of reality.  You can relate to the characters and what they’re feeling because their feelings are universal.  Everyone in real life is both good and evil – only a handful are hero’s.  Every person on earth has all the bad qualities of a villain, and the more they deny them, the more pronounced they become and the more they let these bad emotions control them.  They do it out of self-preservation.  It’s nearly unavoidable.

So yeah, I would like life to be more cut and dry like the fantasy world of middle-earth.  Turn greedy people into Golem’s, the envious into evil witches and the sadistic into those siamese cats on cinderella.

I’m an escapist into fiction fantasy.  My imagination allows for this form of entertainment.  I shall continue my RPG’s, enjoy the latest Disney and Pixar films, and escape into a world that is less deceitful than our own.

Nap time!

P.s

Here’s the link to the meme maker:  http://www.quickmeme.com

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A lovely post for a lovely day

I’m thinking that I might be bipolar.  But I’m also a hypochondriac so I’m never 100% rational about any ailment or psychosis I think I have.  It’s like saying I’m paranoid, but maybe I’m just paranoid about being paranoid.  See what I mean?  I’m a nut job.

I feel bipolar because lately I’ve been getting astounded by everything.  Well, everything always astounds me, but now it’s different.  I feel aligned with the universe and I’m tumbling into the cosmos taking notes on everything I find.  And everything I find is beautiful and amazing. So am I bipolar?  Yes, undoubtedly I am.

I’m sitting in work waiting for my next client.  He might be a full paying client, but I’m not sure.  This week I had 7 full price paying clients.  2 of them come every week! 7 X 70 = shit tons!  And that’s not including tips or all the groupon people.  Life is awesome these days.

I signed myself up for Linkedin last night and became a member of a few massage therapist groups.  Many therapists on there can’t get clients, can’t retain them and are about ready to give up.  This is yet to be another thing that astounds me.  There are limitless ways to get clients and keep them!  I have about 50 idea’s to do it, but I’m so busy right now and comfortable with my income that I’m starting to slack off.

Within the next few days I plan on mailing out a newsletter to all my existing clients and writing up a memo to stuff into all my fellow tenants mail cubbies giving them a neighborly tenant discount.  By doing those two things alone, will bring me business.  And that’s just common sense marketing idea’s – there are more creative ways than that!

I strongly believe that people set themselves up for failure.  They are so miserable, carrying around baggage they can’t let go of, that it makes them karmaticaly (sp? word?) energized to fail.

I could not be any more happier than I am right now with my business.  And you should see it!  It’s just a small room without it’s own reception area or bathroom – just a plain room in an old, cold, creepy building!

But people keep coming back.  They love it.

I’m so happy these days, but in high demand.  I barely have any time for friends, and the little time that I do have is spent with Amy who has verified herself as a true and loyal buddy.  I forgot what it felt like to have one of those.  During the span of my life, I always had a best friend.  I don’t pick these people, they just topple into my life and I fall for them.

Dave was a best friend, but we linked together in the way of sensual activities that we both equally enjoyed.  He somehow knew my feelings better than most, but we are not ethically compatible.  He has different beliefs than I do.  It’s like being best friends with a girl who cheats on her husband with a married man – it’s hard to truly connect with someone like that.

But Amy not only likes the same sensual pleasures as me, her heart is golden as well.  I found her at a time in my life when I needed her.  Before I met her, I thought about all the times when I felt the love of a true friend, and so I wished it into existence.  I made it happen again.  Just like I did my business – I imagined what it would feel like being successful and happy, and wished it into existence.  This shit is furrealz yo.  Just have to keep your eye on the prize, plan, meditate and action.  Action is 90% of the game.

I feel like reading.  I want to hole myself up for a month and read all the awesomeness that’s ever been written.  I want to think, ponder and evaluate until I reach the limits of my thinking capacity, and then think some more.

In five months time I will be leaving for an extraordinary adventure, and once I come back, I’m buying a house.  My life is just starting to take shape.  And I’m the one who’s shaping it!  I’ve spent so many months being depressed, sad and drunk, that all this good stuff is totally new territory.  It’s always been here, I was just too downtrodden to see it.

Many of my clients are into real estate investment.  They buy houses and rent them out.  And those same people buying houses, some of them, not all, but some are looking to get rich quick.  These are the same people buying into pyramid scams.  The Mona Vie wine for instance (huge pyramid scam) has been offered to me several times by clients.  Same with selling electricity for some elusive lighting company, selling vitamins, makeup and the like – these are the people also buying real-estate.

That time I went to the real estate investment meeting and I was listening to Larry Goins make his sales pitch, half of the people there bought  it.  They were all suckers.  These people are down on their luck, looking for a quick miracle – there is no quick miracle.  Again, it seems like fear is driving them, not common sense.  Fear of not having enough, fear of dying broke and miserable having nothing.  It’s not cognizant.  It’s taking without giving.  These people will never gain the edge by being driven by fear and greed.

I’m not praying for a miracle, I’m making one happen.  The real miracle already transpired – I’m here!

I have a good head on my shoulders.  I always had a good head.  I’m able to keep in balance my new found insight into the fragile, sometimes cruel psyche of the human condition, but keep my own heart good and pure.  Knowing the depths of the ugly shadows people hide, but not letting it overshadow my own beauty.  Most people are weak.  I choose myself.  I choose to look at my own light and by doing that, it comes out in others.

Life is too short to be afraid of self-inflicted demons, my own or anybody else’s.  If what I feel is a bipolar high, than god bless this condition and screw meds!

I said: what about my eyes?
God said: Keep them on the road.
I said: what about my passion?
God said: Keep it burning.
I said: what about my heart?
God said: Tell me what you hold inside it?
I said: pain and sorrow?
He said: ..stay with it.
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.

~ Rumi

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I’m Teething!

Man thinking on a train journey.

Man thinking on a train journey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I never had my wisdom teeth removed so now I have to deal with them breaking out of my hard adult gum line.  Last night it was the upper left tooth that wanted out.  I was actually chewing on my finger drooling all over the place while watching Stargate Universe and playing spider solitaire on my laptop.  I’m 32 years old.

I’m 32 years old living at home and planning on spending my hard earned ass massaging income on a trip – A TRIP!

I refuse to grow up.  You can’t make me.

Teething feels painfully good.  Chewing on things is strangely satisfying.  Planning a courageous oversea voyage feels the same as having that itch to chew.  My spirit wants out of the confines of my bedroom.  It’s both a childish and wondrous feeling of satisfaction.  Chew and you shall be free.  Painfully good and painfully necessary.

Yes, I am still very much a child.

I have to give an exorbitant amount of massages today.  Here’s the rundown:

11 am – 90 min

1 pm – 60 min

2:30 pm – 90 min prego

4:30 pm – 90 min

6:30 – 60 min

7:40 – 60 min

I’m at the 6:30 mark.  Any second now she’ll walk in.  My back hurts.  I’m massaging for 7.5 hours today, but my record is 8 so I know I can handle it.  I can handle anything.  Bring it.

Last Monday Amy and I trekked up Bear Mountain (the highest point in CT).  We taken the long way up and trekked down the short way, spanning a total of 5 miles.  We finished it in 2 hours.  We are good.  I mean seriously now, come on.  I haven’t exercised in at least 75 days since groupon started and here I am trekking like a champ.  We were jogging on the way down.  Jogging!  It was awesome.

bear mountain highest point ct

I’ve kept my word by checking off things on my to do list.

I hung up my ceiling mural.

Finished my wall decal.

Conquered my vision board.

vision board

Input 200 emails, did my gift certificates and I’m selling them online, I started a Facebook page for my biz and I’m almost done reading Rich Dad Poor Dad.  I’ve been very productive and it feels great!

I also let one of my clients take me out to dinner.  I usually say no to these offers, but this guy is different.  He has no chance in hell with me, but he’s super smart and funny.  Plus he’s a real estate investor so I figured I could pick his brain.  He’s a chubby italian born in the 1960’s and insisted we check in on Facebook.  He’s hysterical.

One thing I’m learning from real estate investors is that they have no actual money.  All their money is tied up in real estate.  They shop at old navy, save money and not spend.  The true die hard investors invest every penny into buying assets and keep the ball rolling by upgrading their assets.  By constantly trading up, they avoid paying capital gains tax.  They keep the snowball rolling and very rarely do they purchase something for themselves.  They rather buy assets than fixing their teeth.

According to Rich Dad Poor Dad, it doesn’t matter how much a person makes.  If they are constantly in debt, constantly struggling, it wouldn’t matter how much they got paid, they will always spend a little more than they can afford.  They can never get ahead, they buy liabilities rather than assets.  Owning a house to live in is not an asset, it’s a liability.  People have kids, get raises, spend more and the bills really roll in.

It’s the rat race I became aware of as a kid.

This is probably going to be a long boring ass post, but it’s important in understanding my way of thinking.  It’s boring for me because it’s old news and I don’t feel like writing about shit I already figured out.  It’s boring for you because, well, why the hell would you care about any of this anyway?

My thought process as a kid was not normal.  I had no one to talk to, no one that understood me.  Everyone just thought I was a shy little kid with chipmunk cheeks who doesn’t say much, never any trouble – and yes that’s all true, but the shit coming and going through my head before I reached double digits was ceaseless.  I questioned everything.  My CCD teacher hated me.

I honestly had no one to talk to growing up.  I had two younger twin cousins that I had endless fun with, but I could never talk to them about anything.

Me – “I’m 8 years old now, and they’re only 6.  If I wait 2 more years, they will catch up to me and I’ll be able to talk to them.”

Me – “I’m 10 now, they’re only 8.  I’ll just have to wait 2 years until they catch up to me and understand.”

Me – “I’m 12, they’re 10 and still don’t get it.  2 more years, that’s all…”

Me – “I’m 14 and…..ah, screw it.”

When I was a kid riding passenger in the back seat of my parents cadalac, I would stare out the window at all the houses going by.  My family was not a part of those worlds.  My family was a self-contained microcosm that instilled fear of strangers in my heart.  We were the only true family that existed in an otherwise cruel world.  My brother called everyone gay, my father told me not to trust anyone, and as for my mother, well, let’s just say she was the leader of our self-containment.

Anyway, we drove by houses and cars that were separate from us.  These things were parts of an outside world that I was not allowed to know.  I looked closely in at those other families traveling beside us and felt I was intruding on their own little microcosm universe.

Me – “How can we be the only family that matters?  Everyone has a family, how can they be so different from mine?  Do they fear us like we fear them?”

I specifically remember thinking this.  My family literally drove it in my skull that it’s not safe anywhere else but at home in my own house with my own people.  Any venture out was a gamble.

This led me into a perpetual state of wanting to break free of their self-contained prison.  I wanted to eliminate my family’s fear and hate. I wanted them to love and accept others and to show my family that we are not alone in this world, others can care for us just as much as we care for each other. And we are not the only one’s that matter.  People feel hurt, and can need us someday – let’s be there!

Spreading the love and feeling included in a family always held great importance to me.  I feel a sense of togetherness and safety in someone else’s home.  They don’t have to love me, but they do anyway! They don’t have to care about me, but the humanity in them lets them.  I see the humanity in everyone.

And because I wanted my family to see the love in others, I looked for it in everyone.  I’m a non-stop seeker of love.  I see it in everyone.  My love of people runs so deep and pure, that if you’re not accustomed to feeling it, it will knock you off your feet.  I give 100 percent of myself to others and love unconditionally.

I lift people up.  I feed their ego’s and they start needing me, wanting more of what I give them.  I give give give until they are able to detach themselves from me and fly on their own.  Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes the fact that they needed me in the first place can cause resentment.  They detach, fly away and kick the very person that made them feel wonderful.

People tend to crush on me.  When I was 18 waitressing at Damons in Cheshire, I had a sweet boy crushing on me.  It felt great, absolutely wonderful to be liked, but it felt even more wonderful that I didn’t like him like back.  It made me feel powerful and in control.

The poor boy gave me all his power, all his love, and I fed off it like a vulture.  I was 18 when I realized what I was doing.  I became aware and wanted it to stop, but was scared of losing that self-assured feeling of confidence.  I would be back at square one feeling like a nobody, a loser.  So I let him feed my ego.  And because I needed a guy like that – I needed him to validate who I was, the fact that I needed him made it hard for me to look him in the eye. I behaved shy and coy, leading him to believe that I liked him when in actuality, I had all the power – I held all the cards, and when I was done feeding off him, I could detatch myself and see him for who he really is.  Just a sad lonely busboy who crushed on the wrong gal.

I was in the act of doing evil and didn’t even know it.  I don’t think anyone’s aware of when that slippery moment of evil creeps into them – who would admit to that?  Weak people let evil take over, not mindful smart people like us…

I hated myself.  I was draining him of everything he had, using him up only to stick it to him in the end.  I was being a succubus, a woman monster eating guys hearts.  I would grow to resent him simply for liking me.  He was creating a monster.  And I was stealing pieces of him.

I sought for ways to end my behavior before it progressed any further.  I looked for ways to help me stop.

I saw my weakness, my fear of being a nobody – my need of him was validating only that.  I saw myself as a textbook narcissist – a thing that I constantly have to keep aware of and in check.  Narcissism is rooted in having a fear of death (that’s according to me, so don’t take much stock).  You go around as an empty shell, finding no meaning in your small existence, until another person see’s something in you and makes you believe that you really are somebody, and that you really do matter and you’re special.  Because if you matter, that means your life matters, and if your life matters, it has a purpose. There’s a purpose to your living and as long as you have purpose, the end darkness of death can never eat you alive.  Without purpose, you die leaving nothing but debt and fast food wrappers in your wake.  The death of a nobody is a death that no one cares about.  It’s ending a battle that you given up fighting a long time ago – a battle that only existed in yourself.  Your death becomes just as meaningless as your life.

But with someone seeing substance in you, you find strength in yourself to face anything!  Your hopeless weary soul see’s a glimmer of reflection in their eyes.  What a wonderful feeling it is to be a somebody to someone.

So yeah, peoples love of me give’s me strength and purpose.  I can’t get around that.  But what I can get around is being heartless and using people.  That busboy who liked me became my friend.  I was thankful and appreciative of him and genuinely loved the guy.

He used to teach skateboarding lessons to people, and one of his buddies whom he taught ended up dying in a fatal skateboarding accident.  I listened to him telling me this, I watched the details of him rubbing his eyes as if he was dreaming, his shoulders slumped forward.   Speaking slowly as if he couldn’t believe it himself.

That’s when the switch flipped.  Life is so precious, everyone feels loss.  This boy gave me strength, and now I have to be strong for him.  It’s a cycle of giving back.  Never just take, but keep recycling it back out.  Who am I to power over him? Who am I?  What gives me the right?

I’m a giver of genuine affection, and that alone can piss off the angry mob of Melanie haters.  I taken everything I ever learned, faced my greatest weaknesses, faced my evil harsh cruelness and fears and taken it all in and learned from it and out spits me, someone who can easily love and be loved.  Someone who can create beauty out of shadows – who can pull out substance from nothingness – someone who can create and think beyond what has ever been thought before.  Narcissism is not self-love, it’s needing others to love you because you can’t love yourself.  Self- actualization, as painful a process as it may be, let’s you fall completely head over heels in love with yourself.

I love me!  And if others love me great, and if they don’t, that’s their prerogative.  There is nothing more freeing and satisfying than to be at your core being, in the thick of your essence, and feel perfectly whole.  Unabridged, shameless and true – a feeling of utter eye-wellling wonder and awe of existence.  Of your existence.  Of everyone’s existence.  It’s amazing.  Absolutely butt-fucking amazing.  Shit, did I just say that?

I boundlessly give out.  I infinitely recycle whats been given to me.

So, I’m a giver.  I turned myself into the busboy at Damons  and started showing affection to everyone.  I have no shame, no anger, no resistance, but I feel it in others.  Will everyone suck me dry and spit me out in the end?  I don’t care, let them.  I’ll love them anyway.

Hole-Lee-Shit!  This post taken on it’s own agenda.  Damn I love when that happens.  I still have an unbelievable well of thoughts to pour into this post.  I can write like Dickens today.  Ultimately inspired and alive.  My heart wants to burst in rainbow colors.

Okay shut up Mel.

Shut…

Up.

What I originally wanted to write was that as a kid riding in the backseat of my parents Caddy, I watched the houses that went by my window.  Each house serving the same purpose, each house the same, but having different occupants.  And I thought to myself,

I thought – “All these people work just so they can live in these houses.  It’s a place to put yourself and your stuff.  It’s just a house no different from any other.  What’s the point?”

I saw no point in working only to afford a house.  It’s like working to build the walls of your very own prison.

Me – “I hope these people like what they do, otherwise whats the point?  How is it rational to only live for the weekends?”

Me – “They’re doing it for their families.  They work hard to feed and clothe their families.”

Me – “I’m not going to have a family until I can be sure I’ll never get stuck living for the weekends.  I’ll only buy a house when I know it won’t be like the other prison houses, it will be paid in full and I’ll own it, instead of it owning me.  But how?  How can I do this?”

It was a question I could never answer.  I didn’t go to college because of not knowing what I wanted to do.  Learning about a trade or profession simply because it was the safest bet, felt like the cement mix pouring into the foundation of a self-made prison sentence.

I knew I wanted to write, but felt too inferior and too stupid to believe I ever could.  But the crazy thing is that this wild adventure ride of life has taken me into self-discovery and imagination.  The choices I made fueled a foundation into self inquiry.   Priming my dreams into existence – gaining courage and strength to succeed and yes, if I want to write than I damn well can!

I’m different from everyone.  I was never normal.  At least by writing about myself, you can understand why I am like I am.  ( I’m pretending like you care and I’m not really talking to infinite cyberspace nothingness).

I’m constantly seeking answers to questions that aren’t even properly formed in my head.  I ask transient questions and obtain answers to questions I wasn’t aware of.  The shitty thing about this process is not knowing if the answers are real, or only emotionally charged responses that are directed by my already existing beliefs.

I wrote about politics a few posts back.  It was a lengthy spell that sucked you into my madness.  My beliefs while writing that post were not to trust anyone who has power  and control over me, people are stupid and can be brainwashed, and that everyone is blind to the truth.  These were the beliefs I was fervently working with.  Are they true?  How the hell do I know whats true?  I’m only human.  But one belief feeds off another, I stumble on unaware answers to questions I didn’t even know I was asking – answers that validate my beliefs.  A proof that tells me I’m right.  Seek and you shall find.  You will always find that which you seek.

Is there substance to my findings?  Do they have any validity?  I’m sure in some aspects yes, but that doesn’t make it an ultimate truth.  I know nothing, same as everyone else.

I watched a documentary about 9/11 being a conspiracy and honestly they did make some irrefutable discoveries.  But by me buying into their paranoia, only feeds into my own and any belief conjured out of fear, should not be taken as real.  It should only be taken as a possibility, but never for real.

Ask and you shall receive.  Patterns upon patterns everywhere until it’s completely senseless.  It’s pure madness believing in things that aren’t real.  Seeing things that only exist in ink blogs.  It’s lunacy.  I strive for truth and justice, the good ol’ American way.  Taking small pleasures in sipping down copper, formidable brews, digesting the amber waves of grain and munching on a hotdog, chugging the fluoride laced tap water.   American dumb downing – love it.

By believing in that documentary about 9/11, that makes me no different from the rest of the dumbasses.  I have to face not knowing the truth, and I’m not about to go digging around.  That’s how people get killed.

I just got done massaging the Peruvian genius girl again.  This was her fourth visit to me and now we are buddy buddy.  No actually, I feel like her mentor.  She’s a girl who loves listening to me talk on and on – she loves it and asks me real questions that lead to even more of my senseless ramblings.

Peruvian genius – “I’m quitting my job tomorrow and going on a pilgrimage.”

Oh shit.  This didn’t come out of nowhere.  I’ve been priming her by telling her to follow her heart, to live and enjoy life and that “you’ll never truly know yourself until you’re out in the world in an unfamiliar place and an unfamiliar situation that calls forth your true spirit.  You can create who you are if you gain self-awareness.   Putting yourself somewhere you never been, opens up your perspective.  You learn more about yourself.  That’s why I’m trekking 500 miles.”

And today she dropped that bomb on me.  She doesn’t have another job lined up, but she’s so excited and scared and completely ready and willing to start her spiritual journey.  I should have warned her about the painful purge that’s ahead.  Any type of developmental growth happens with pain.  First pain than understanding.  Some people get caught up in the pain and stop progressing, they regress to their comfort zones and carry with them their hate and anger, unable to let it go.  But I didn’t need to warn her.

Peruvian genius – “I feel like everyone has to have something traumatic happen to them before they change.”

Me – “You’re absolutely right.  Our spirits evolve and become stronger when we suffer loss, or something like it.  I believe we are all here to learn and we learn through pain.”

Peruvian genius – “Yes, that’s so true.”

Talking to her is like talking into my blog.  In a way, I’m teaching her lessons that I lived through, realizations that I came to grasp.  It’s the only real thing I have to teach.

Me – “Where are you going to go?  Have you decided?”

Peruvian genius – “I’ve always wanted to go to Jeruselum.  I know it’s dangerous with the bombs, but I always wanted to go there.”

Oh shit no no no no.

Me – “Are you going with anyone?”

Peruvian genius – “No.”

Me – “Oh man you’re going to make me worry.  I’m sorry I know you’re following your heart and everything and you should definitely go if it’s calling you, but please be careful.  Trust no one.”

Peruvian genius – “I’m not trusting anyone.  My mother is scared too.”

Her mother was sitting in the lounge reading a book.  One look at her I could tell she was the sweetest lady ever.  I tried showing her how to work the Keurig machine, but she didn’t speak a lick of English.

Me – “Is that your mom sitting in the lounge?”

Peruvian genius – “Yes she’s here helping me.  She know’s my arms are sore and she’s been helping me with stuff around my house.  She’s really wonderful.”

This little girl who’s about two years younger than me, looks to be 12, she’s going backpacking through Jeruselum, quitting her awesome bio physic’s job and moving out of her apartment.

Her – “I’m not going to have a place to live when I get back.  That’s what I worry most about.”

That’s the thing I worry least about.  She has her mother to go home to.

I did this.  She is a product of my creation and if she dies out there, it’s on my head.  I will hate myself, never forgive myself.  My words have weight and the illusion of wisdom, but that’s all it is – an illusion!  I’m not wise, I’m not of brilliant mind.  I know nothing and she eats up everything I tell her like gold nuggets.

I’m such an asshole, such an asshole….

You see how dangerous beliefs are?!  I have so much passion when I talk, like some salesperson or a freaking televangelist.  It’s dangerous!  I believe so strongly in what I say, and speak from the heart and connect with the person and that’s exactly the formula for a persuasive, charming televangelist who wants his wisdom to be heard.  To bring meaning with legacy and change.

I don’t want that to be me.  I have no ego, I know nothing, don’t listen to me – not ever!

Holy shit this is a long post.  She said she’s preparing for her journey by taking Krav Maga classes which is a deadly line of defense.  She bought the classes on Living Social.  It sounds like a great idea, and me being the kung fu lover that I am, signed myself up as well.  The classes are in my hometown!  Weird…

If I see her in class, maybe I can coax her into having a better plan.  But the thing is, she’s wicked smart and seems to know exactly what she’s doing and know’s exactly what she wants.  I want to support her, not scare her.  The best advice I could give is for her to use common sense.

So that’s that.

Shit I still have so much I need to get out.  I’m home now still in my work attire, super headachy from drinking too much beer last night (which was a way awesome fun night btw).

I still haven’t eaten dinner yet.  I’m so shaky and cold.  Tomorrow is Monday, my day off and it’s bikrum yoga day.  Amy doesn’t want me to go because of what happened to me last time.  I almost died last time.  It was serious, no joke.  I don’t know what happened to me.  It was a compilation of things.  I drank heavily two days before the class, and I think that had a lot to do with it – if not everything to do with it.  I was  dehydrated and lacked electrolytes.

Towards the latter half of the class, I started feeling sick – like I was going to vomit.  I sucked it up and kept going.  Than I started getting lightheaded.  This lightheadedness phase happened very quickly.  My symptoms piled on so swiftly that I was sent into a whirlwind of panic.  You must never panic while taking this class – it’s a huge deal to panic, and there I was, panicking.

Feeling the initial shock of lightheadedness, I had little time to think about the repercussions to continue, instead of thinking, my vision darkened and my brain stopped comprehending what was happening around me.  Then came the shortness of breath, feeling unable to breathe – feeling unable to breathe was the last bit that sent me over into the realm of panic.  I was unable to hear the instructor explain poses.  I saw everyone around me doing the poses, and I couldn’t comprehend what they were doing.  It felt like I was having an ayahuasca flashback of hearing people speak and being fascinated they were able to do that.  I was unable to do anything.

I wobbly made my way to the exit.  It takes EXTREME conditions to get me to leave and give up on anything, and I mean extreme conditions as in life and death.  I thought I would literally die by staying in there.  This is in no way an embellishment.  I’m tough as nails and if anything, I’m downplaying all this.

Instructor – “What are you doing?”

(I don’t remember this conversation exactly.  My brain wasn’t working.)

My hand was on the door handle.  I heard her speak to me and tried to guess at what she was saying.

Me – “I’m okay, I just feel lightened.”

I must have sounded drunk.  I felt I was slurring my words.  I was about to drop at any second.

Instructor – “No you can’t leave.  You have to stay.  You have to lie down on your mat.”

I had no clue what she was saying.  No clue.  Finally it dawned on me that she wanted me to stay.  Was she freaking crazy?  At this point my legs were immobile.  I could not walk.  I tried moving back to my mat, but each step felt like I was walking on a rocky boat bobbing up and down making me sick.

The instructor ran over to me and grabbed me by the arm and led me back to my mat.  I silently found it hysterical that I was being that girl.  I wasn’t doing it for attention, I wasn’t doing it to be dramatic, I was truly in a stupor.

I got back to my mat and couldn’t sit down.  If I went to sit, I would pass out.  The instructor had to push my shoulders down.  I sat finally, than she had to push me back.  I was laying eschewed on my mat, not perfectly laying on it but it was the best I could do.  She fed me some coconut water and I took in some deep breaths.

And no joke I was up and at it again in less than five minutes.  I was doing the yoga as if nothing had happened.  But now Amy is terrified of me going back.  I don’t think I ever had a friend that cared so much about me.  She even worries about me being alone at the office late at night.  Like tonight for instance, I was the only person there.  It’s Sunday and even the attached restaurant on the other side of the building was deserted.  I was completely alone.

Amy – “Why don’t you go home?”

Me – “I want to blog.”

Amy – “You can blog at home being comfortable in your pajama’s, don’t stay there.”

Me – “Okay, I’ll leave.”

I’m such a schlep.

There’s a long dark hallway outside of my office.  I’m terrified of this hallway.  In the movie, The Shining, there’s a part where two twin little girls are standing side by side, faces expressionless and staring at you at the end of a very long hallway.  I’m tempted to snatch a pic of them to post, but I really don’t want to see that image.  Screw it, I’m facing my irrational fears and kicking it in the balls!

Here’s a pic of my scary hallway.

I wish I taken a better pic than that, but I wasn’t looking.  I was too scared to look.  I know how pathetic I sound, trust me.  I’m not proud of it okay?

Come on now, spooky right?  This next image makes me remember that it’s fake.

And here are the girls all grown up.

But what makes me feel totally better is seeing this asshole having them as a tattoo.  What an asshole lol.

All-righty then, I think I’m done for tonight’s gibber jabber.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  Mine was good.  The highlight being my brother standing up at the table during dinner, pulling down his pants exposing his butt cheek and asking my Dad, “is this a tick or a pimple?”

Sorry for the long-ass post.  You seriously don’t have to read this shit….

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A Simple Quote Sprung This Leak

Everything inspires me.  Every second of every day I’m either hit with an inspiring thought or chewing over an old one.  It never ends and it’s driving me crazy!

Me – “Holy shit I have to write this down!  Like, right now I have to write it down!”

Not having time to write it all down to mull over, pains me.  Blogging takes up so much freaking time.  It’s not good when being a newly appointed business owner who has awesome idea’s to expand and grow but chooses to blog instead.  All my efforts are dusted off my business and onto my blog.  My blog that nobody reads.

I have serious priority issue’s.

Every morning I wake up, go to the bathroom and get excited about reading my bathroom book.  So excited in fact, that I get disappointed when my bathroom visit only lasts two minutes.  Today during those two minutes, I got inspired by a quote I read.  I forgot whose quote it was, possibly Spinoza, but not sure.

Anyway, it goes something like this:

“People believe they are free because they are conscious of the choices they make.  But they are not aware of the reasons behind their choices.”

Bah, I butchered it.  I can’t quote him exactly, but that’s the gist.

During my last massage, I started chewing this over and seeing how it ties in with my whole human philosophy theory.  During the last few weeks, I’ve been developing an ever-evolving theory about shit-heads (90% of the world).  The basis of the theory is basically that people are unaware and work in ways of self-preservation.  They find patterns so they won’t have to think, trusting their old idols beliefs rather than thinking for themselves, and being void of compassion and understanding by way of a habitual habit of putting themselves before others.  At their worst, everything they encounter becomes a personal attack, including things they don’t have (money).

I strongly believe that people who know their core (the true reasons behind their actions), are awake and aware.  They know how others see them, have the ability to see themselves,  and can bypass the muck of ignorance and denial.  They know the truth of their choices and know they are being directed by a belief system.  Having this knowledge allows them to be free and to actually think for themselves.  To exercise their free will and create outside the mold.

Instead of seeing a shrink to find out why they do what they do, or feel what they feel, they already have access to that knowledge.  When a person moves farther and further away from their core, the more a shrink is needed.

It’s all about stillness and calm.  Patience and a loving attitude towards yourself.  That’s where it begins.

But what’s at the base of beliefs?  In my theory, I feel that morals are at its base.  The further a person moves away from their center, the further away they get from their morals.  Small rights and wrongs differ from person to person, so childish people like to test.  They test mostly for their own amusement, or maybe out of frustration.

In my philosophy, I believe we are all connected to each other and that we have the same infinite knowledge to tap into.  To me, this connection entails a congenital moral compass of innately knowing right from wrong.  When we’re younger, we test this out – seeing what we can get away with.  It’s only through compassion and understanding do we start to realize why these things are wrong.

When a child asks why it’s wrong never say, “because it just is,” or “because I said so.”  These are unaware responses said by a fed-up survivalist piece of driftwood (analogy taken from previous post).  A question about morals always merits an explanation.  Especially when it’s being asked by a child!  By providing empty responses, it can shape your child’s future into garnering empty beliefs having no substance.  Kids have to be taught substance more than rules.  Otherwise they will listen to their idols telling them what to believe well into adulthood.

My father taught me substance at a young age.  He teaches me substance still.  My mother teaches me patience and compassion.

People have to learn from experience.  When they are young, they can experience, understand, and change.  But as they get older, it gets a lot harder.  It gets

online entitlement formula

online entitlement formula (Photo credit: marioanima)

harder because they forget everything they learned as a kid, and switch to survival mode.  They don’t need a reason to change, they’re just trying to make it through they day at this point.  And when I say survive, I mean that in the broadest sense of the word.  Protect themselves and protect their character (flaws and all).  The time for being a child has ended.  Welcome to the real world dirtbag.

When you’re cold, starving and tired, you don’t have the capacity to help others.

That’s the same as moving away from your warm nutrient-rich center.  You move away from the warmth love you can give to others and yourself.  You wouldn’t have the capacity to help anyone, same as when you’re hungry, cold and tired – you are away from your source.  You have nothing to pull from.

The older you get, the more you lack beginners mind and start to see patterns in everything.  You become trusting of an illusionary moral compass that lost its substance ages ago.  Empty driftwood….

Morals and compassion go hand in hand, using morals without your heart is like a cold judgement, a cold war.  A prejudice, a hatred, a discrimination.  To know proper morals, you have to know compassion.  Filling yourself with substance so you don’t become empty.  It’s hard when you can’t forgive others and take everything personally, feeling no gratitude, only entitlement – it feeds the cycle.  It gives your beliefs  credibility by relying on old thought patterns and others who also share your discriminations.  Awareness of this process will bring the suffering to an end, as long as you’re able to let go and learn.  Most of all, forgive.  Just forgive.  And forgive yourself for not being perfect.  The ego is the last thing to shed, it’s the hardest.

Some people gain perspective (substance) with small experiences.  Small learning experiences that take place can be a microcosm of the larger.  If it takes only a small experience to gain perspective and substance, the closer you are to your center.  Everything can be relative when close to the core.  Like a friend sharing a big chocolate chip cookie during lunchtime that their mom packed for lunch.  It feels great to receive, but better to share.  This small gesture can expand your heart forever if you let it.

The closer you are to your center, the more gratitude you feel when someone is kind.  If no gratitude is felt, or that you feel entitled rather, entitlement is going the wrong way.  Gratitude is expanding your experience to envelope perspective.  To see and know clearly right from wrong.  Entitlement brings you to believe that only you are right, or it’s only you that matters.

All of what I’m saying feels so very real to me.  Like, common sense kind of real.  It’s like hitting the nail, you know?

We are all the same at the core.  At the heart of everyone, is a kindred spirit.  An evil person is evil because they’re lost, so far away.  How to bring them back?  Suffering?  Finding humility through shedding of the ego?

It always comes back to suffering.  Suffering brings awareness, takes you to the core, but it’s more than that.  It makes you stronger.  Stronger for what?  More levels of awareness?  That’s what Aya told me.  According to Ayahuasca, there are many layers of awareness.  The deeper you go, the freer you become.  The more lucid you get, the more you see what this world really is, an illusion.

How much more can I wring out of my noggin’ today?  Have I said enough?  I know that as soon as I hit the publish button, I’ll think of something else.

No, I’m not going to publish it until my last client is out of here.  I usually think up all this shit while massaging.  It gives my brain something to do.

Self-awareness is a direct line into your powerful core being, but it’s not the same as being compassionate.  It’s the Yin and the Yang.  You have to be morally aware, not just self-aware.  Let’s say that ethics is the soil, then that would make you the flower.  The hardest part is figuring out which one to listen to.  But the good thing about being awake is knowing these things don’t work without each other, when you’re connected to your source, you won’t have to choose which side to listen to because they become one thing.  Awareness.

Okay, so let’s organize and summarize.  At your center awaits the Yin and the Yang.  Yin is the self, and Yang is God.  However, stating back to previous posts, the self IS God and God IS self.  All-righty, let’s think about that…Nope, too hard.  My head might explode.  The two are dependent on each other.  The closer you’re aware of this Yin & Yang, the more gratitude you feel.  And the more lucid and compassionate you become.  Moving away brings with it entitlement with no change, and I bet it’s a lack of inspiration too.  People must be inspired to grow.

I have never not once in my life been this inspired over every little thing.  When I was younger, in my early 20’s, I would go on wild philosophical tangents while being drunk at a bar, but I stopped out of embarrassment.  I could never remember what I was rambling about the night before and I felt like a complete moron for talking drunk dumb philosophy with a guy who wants nothing more than to jam his tongue down my throat.  But now here I am starting her up again.  Where have you been wacky brain?  Good to see you again.

I’m not drunk, but that doesn’t mean somethings not majorly wrong with me.  It’s possible that all this is pretend.  All a pretend story that I made up out of boredom.  It feels real because I see the patterns in it that are congruent with my beliefs.  Damn….it still ties in.  Even when I’m trying to be objective, it still all ties in nicely.  My perspective is the only perspective I see.  I can’t take myself out of it.  Damn, I’m an unaware rambling, narrow-minded idiot.

I honestly did pull all of this gibberish out of my ass.  Crazy, huh?  Well, the quote that sprang this on was not of my ass, but of an others.

Do flea’s fly?  I think I just seen a flea flying around my office.

If I am right about us having an interwoven moral compass braided into the fabric of our souls, then how can I practice what I preach?  Am I big enough to do it?  Am I close enough to my core being?  Eh, I don’t know.  My last client is a No-call / No-show.  Bastards…

I think something just bit me on my back.  Little bastard shit.

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Into The Mind Of Mel. You Ready?

Human after all

Human after all (Photo credit: – tsumi -)

I just got done massaging for the day and now I sit here at my desk listening to Pandora and blogging.  I can’t blog for long though, I’m meeting Amy at her house to go over plans for the Camino.  She’s coming with me!  I’m super stoked.  She’s actually meeting me for the last two weeks of the pilgrimage which means I have the first two weeks in solitude under the Spanish sun with my blistered feet.   Two weeks of me time!  Imagine the blogging possibilities…I’m going to do a video blog.

I never spent more than 2 days alone by myself, but here I am undertaking two weeks – in a foreign land no less!  I’m so excited she’s meeting me.  I’m not sure what state of mind she’ll find me in.  My mind may be gone by then.

Anyway, what to discuss in today’s entry?  Hmm….

I’m always trying to form connections with people.  The easiest connections are of the sensuous kind.  Like drinking, movie’s, concerts, food, games, you know, that sort of stuff.  Then there’s the spiritual connections where you find like-minded individuals with a similar thought process (which is hard to find!).  But now I’m learning how to connect with everyone – not through sensuous activities or because we think similar,  I’m looking to find the nexus that is prevalent in connecting us all.  It’s a deeper, less egoistic bond.  It’s the soil in which we all sprout.

When I was under Aya, I asked if we were all connected.  She said yes, but we are not.

We are each solitary entities embarking on this journey alone, but still connected to each other.

Me – “How is this?  I don’t understand.”

Aya – “Everyone is separate and deserves respect.  Everyone has their own path and you must respect everyone’s progress.”

Me – “How are we connected?”

Aya – “…..”

Nothing.  That bitch wouldn’t tell me.  But now I get it.  At least, well, it really feels like I got it anyway.  It’s so hard to explain!

Okay, so during the big bang theory when we were all unrealized fragments of stardust imploded into one tightly compacted singularity ball of energy(which was infinitely small and dense), everything, and I mean every possible life form that would ever exist, was quantumly intertwined.  And that ancient indestructible energy that formed our universe, is the same energy running in us now.  Think about it!  It’s amazing if you actually think about it.  All of us coming from the same energy source.  It courses through us and out of us.  In essence, we are all the same being.  All created equally and at the same time.

And that’s not all!  According the the theory of quantum entanglement and big bang, the universe is expanding, but everything in it still touches.  It is scientifically proven that when two electrons are created together, they are forever entangled.  What happens to one, happens to the other simultaneously across the universe pond.  Their connection never separates.  The two connected electrons are actually one electron in two different places – this is not a hypothesis, it was tested over and over again.

Human’s were all created together, we are cosmically intertwined.  The plants on earth were created together, the tree’s, the animals – all congruent.  All able to exist simultaneously because of that connection.  Having an ecological balance is not an accident, it’s on purpose.  Everything is deliberate.  The smallest of animals knows how to survive not because they learned it from their parents, but because they fully connect to their species and gain the infinite knowledge of what their species learned through evolving.  It’s how birds migrate, how animals adapt and thrive.  It’s how we progress.

Some religions preach that evolution doesn’t exist.  Evolution becomes EVIL-lution.  It’s funny to me because the entire meaning of why we are here in the first place is to evolve.

Physically, we can all trace our family tree down to the same caveman.  Yes, all of us have the same relative.  140,000 years ago in Kenya, there lived a woman named Mitochondrial Eve, and every person existing today can trace their lineage back to that (slutty) woman.  We are all distant cousins.  Every person we have sex with, share our bloodline.

That’s a scientific fact in the physical world, which is pretty cool (not the sex with cousins part), but in the spirit realm it gets even weirder.

Think of the human race as a fungus.  Fungus starts growing from one spore, then reproduces until it covers everything.  Never dying, only continuing.  If you look at us as a fungus, you can understand that that one spore grew in size but it’s still the same spore, only different.  We are all the same spore, only different.  Existing in different times and different circumstances.  All individuals, but the same.  Confusing?  Damn right it is!

It’s no wonder Aya kept her mouth shut.

We were all formed together from the same energy source allowing us to intertwine.  If you’re religious, it’s like saying that God is in all of us.  We are all God, and we are all one being.

It gives a whole new meaning to the golden rule of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  If we are all the same being, you hurt yourself when you hurt another person.  If you feel guilt, that’s the reciprocal of the hurt you have caused.  And if you can’t forgive yourself, it hinders your growth and learning.  And hinders your connection with others for if you can’t forgive yourself, you can’t forgive others.

We are all here to learn from each other.  Everyone is a teacher.  We are raised in different families, educated in different area’s of life, have our own experiences and feelings, genetics can shape a person, too.  We are all on separate paths with our own power of free will.  However, having free will is lost if you’re not awake to use it.

We let conditions define who we are.  We are all good, all the same being, but the less awake we are, the more we let outside influences shape us.  And the more we let circumstances control us, the less connections we make with fellow travelers. We become isolated, trapped in our own illusionary world.  We’re unable to love another completely, unable to feel empathy or spirit.  We lose ourselves to the rat race.  We get fatigued, forget who we are, stop seeing other people’s true colors.  We are drift wood.  And we are empty.

Some people say you can never really know a person until you see them in a fight.  Violence is a base survival tool that allows us to witness our true inherent nature.  And we are witnesses when we’re not mindful.  A witness has no say.  A person can either let their self-preservation assume control over them, or they can act on their own volition.  Over-riding fear, over-riding envy, over-riding any selfish conditioned behavior so they can assume control and become the person they set out to be.

Self preservation is an outdated survival tool.  It’s using your small mind, letting animal instinct direct you.  Self preservation causes subliminal beliefs in people.  Seeking and using patterns that work, therefore not having to think.  It’s not aware of itself, it’s only aware of survival.  Sex is a tool for self preservation.  It lets your DNA survive outside yourself to live again, plus all the animal instincts involved in the act – not having to think, just meditative bliss of having no thought and enjoying a base pleasure.  Emptying your mind of thoughts to reach zen.

Sex is awesome, but it can take over a person.  Every action made is a progression towards scoring.  It becomes a low form of awareness.

Just think about how much better sex would be if you override that empty drift wood parallel and become aware of the love, how your touch sends shivers through the other person – being fully aware of everything they feel, being fully aware of yourself.  The whole act becomes meaningful – your care and sincerity becomes a gift to the other and they know it.  Feeling thankful, empowered and loved.

Sex, violence, money and envy can show a person’s true colors.  These things are at a base level awareness – small mind, big blind.  And no one know’s they’re letting these things dictate them.  They don’t know until they reach a pinnacle turning point where they are faced with themselves.  They can deny their truth till they’re blue in the face, never changing, always feeling they are right.  It’s when a moment of empathy occurs when the higher mind connection is made.

If all of us are aware of being the same being, all God, the killing would stop.  The theft would stop, the hurt and heartache would end.

Some people are fixated on finding themselves.  When I was in my teens, I started writing from the heart.  One of my questions was to dig deep and find out who I am.  But I ended up staring blankly at the page, my pen hardened in my frozen hand.  I felt as though I was looking into a mirror.

“How can I find myself when I am myself?  I’m myself looking in.  I don’t exist.  There is no me.”

It sent my brain into a damp soggy place.  I felt weighed down with my lenses fogged up.  I learned there is no me to find, only a me to create.  You can never find yourself, only create yourself.  Creating is awareness.  Art is cognizant.

During my last massage I had an epiphany that communism is the antithesis of creativity, but I forgot how or why!  This is going to drive me crazy.  Maybe it’s because it strips people of their free will to choose, entitling everyone, fleeing from any individualistic self-aware thoughts.

I started thinking that if China filled their streets with art, packed modern expressionist art into museums, communism will end.  Both can’t exist side by side.  Art is a connection.  It connects people like a good song envelops dancers on the dance floor.  It’s a bridge that inspires and what inspires, evolves.  Affecting and evolving us all.  Communism keeps everyone in place.

Shit yo…..

Whew…

God dang my brain – stop brain!

I’ll admit that since my awakening in Colombia, I haven’t hit enlightenment again until yesterday.  Yesterday during a one hour massage is when all this information seeped into me.  It was compiling itself overtime, and yesterday was the maximum capacity needed for me to break through.  I hit awareness while I was massaging my clients scalp.  It happened while I was forming the understanding that in all actuality,  I’m really massaging myself.  I thought, “this is me, how can I help this other me?”  I gave all of myself to please myself and felt a warm gush of warmth shoot out the palms of my hands.

Ayahuasca told me that giving is everything, this is what she meant.

I saw the illusions our minds play in order to keep us stuck in place.  I understood stubborn people and self-preservation.  I saw this world for what it is – an illusion, all pretend.  I became more lucid than ever before.  And I got the realization that this world is a play land.  I can have astounding fun and enjoyment in experiencing this world.  I had the sudden urge to run and play, to explore.  Exploring was the biggest ambition I felt.

The more awake I became, the more this world felt like a dream.  I felt like I was home, sleeping safe and sound in my bed, and having a lucid dream where I can do anything, create everything –  have anything.  I became awake to my full power and what I wanted mostly was to explore the world and enjoy it.  Maybe after a time, I would explore the world and change it.

But all of that happened yesterday.  This is today and I have a headache, I’m sleepy and a little hungry.  I went out last night to Billy O’s for my friends birthday party.  It was actually a zombie wedding/birthday party.  She had all her guests dress as zombies and her and her boyfriend got married.  They had the ceremony and everything at the bar and then sang karaoke after.  It was funny and inventive.  They took the zombie theme very seriously.

But anyway, I’m super tired today.  My next client doesn’t arrive for another half hour, then I can go home at 4:30 to sleep.  I need to revise this post before I publish it.  I have no idea if it makes any sense, just felt like writing and sharing.  But now it’s so freaking long I don’t feel like revising it.  My head hurts too much.

Why would a girl like me be granted these insights?  I’m a drunkard, a jaded soul.  I don’t contribute much to society.  Why me?  Is it simply because I’m curious?

Eh, I don’t know.  I’m glad this post is nearing its end so I don’t have to think about it anymore.  I’m too damn tired.

I at least understand now, why Ayahuasca refused to tell me how we’re all connected.  If she said, “we are energetically connected,” I wouldn’t have understood.  There’s more to it than that.  You can’t be told we are energetically connected, you have to go out and feel it.

Last night Amy told me that she would never think it was me whom authors this blog.  She said I was shallow in person.  Someone you wouldn’t expect to write the shit that I write.  If she read my blog, and then met me, she would never have put the two together.

The thing is, when I have a blank page in front of me, my mind becomes still and quiet.  It’s still, quiet and waiting for the meandering thought bubbles to make their way to the surface.  Like a still pond, my mind lays in the quiet.

I’m also this way in person if you give room for it to happen.  In here, in my space, I have ample room.  It’s just me here waiting for the thought bubbles to break through the surface of realization.  When I’m around others, there becomes too many ripples in the pond.  Pebbles being thrown in left and right, some skipping stones causing the most disturbance, but never sinking in.  If a thought bubble does arise, it’s too noisy to see.  But if you back away from the waters, be calm, be still, I can emerge.

Buying this little MacBook was a great idea.  If I didn’t buy it, all these posts would not be here.  I’d be a different person if I never bought this contraption.

I’m a firm believer in expression.  Not just any expression, but mindful expression.  When you express yourself, you invent yourself.  People need to find their own way to do this.  It’s inherent in everyone to possess the power of expression.  But people get scared.  They listen to others telling them what to do, how to act, what to think.  Nothing will ever change, nothing will ever happen, and you will never meet the person you can be.

That’s the opposite of giving yourself.  It’s selfish, and no one benefits from it.

Am I done now?  Can I zone out and watch Netflix?

Holy crap it feels so good to be lying here in bed at 7pm.  I’m beyond tired.  I need to stop going out.  My vision board sits on the floor of my bedroom half finished.

In numerology, I’m a number 7.  That sure explains a lot.  Troubled mind?  Hell Yes.

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